As the only gal in a male-dominated household, Ms. Meyers knows all too well what female behaviors annoy guys and drive them away for good.
Why Do I Keep Having Trouble Attracting a Man?
Here are 3 simple questions you need to ask yourself if you are struggling to attract and keep men in your life:
- Are you getting ghosted by guys but don't know why?
- Do your friends all say "it's him, not you," but you're beginning to doubt it?
- Do you want a long-term relationship but get rejected before it ever materializes?
If shaking your head yes, you need to ask yourself a simple but ego-threatening question: What am I doing that makes guys leave? Those who can't handle blunt feedback will turn to their girlfriends for magnanimous responses that assuage their wounded pride (he's a pig, you're better off without him, you're too good for him). Instead, scrutinize your behavior and make the necessary adjustments.
What 5 Female Behaviors Wear Men Down and Cause Them to Lose Interest?
For the past 22 years, I've been the lone gal in a male-dominated household. Living with my husband and two teenage sons has resulted in me adopting many traits that are stereotypically male. I rarely talk about my feelings, never gossip, and aim to keep my conversations straight and to the point. I no longer have time and patience for drama like I once did when surrounded by females.
I now see things from a man's point of view when interacting with other women. This ability has turned me into a much sought-after advisor for my single girlfriends who want suggestions on how to keep a man happy. To guide them and others, I recommend eliminating these five common female behaviors that drive men away:
- Bringing up the same old unresolved problems
- Talking excessively about themselves
- Badmouthing other women
- Not having their own friends and hobbies
- Being thin-skinned
1. Bringing Up the Same Old Unresolved Problems
While talking to my friend, Natalie, she brought up the same problem I've heard repeatedly. I did the math in my head and figured out she'd been discussing this same issue for the past 15 years. I realized that her never-ending dilemma perfectly illustrates a huge difference between men and women.
Gals like Natalie enjoy talking about a problem, looking at it from all angles, and getting other people's input. They don't want it to go away because it's central to their identity. Most guys, though, don't understand this and get thoroughly annoyed when the issue persists. Since they're problem-solvers, their aim is to find a solution. When that never happens, they feel like a failure—tapped out and ready to retreat.
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
— Eleanor Roosevelt
2. Talking Excessively About Themselves
In my relationships with other women, I always played the role of the supportive friend: the listener, advisor, and humorous sidekick. That was fine because my pals, of course, would be there for me when I needed support, right? Wrong! Upon hearing the news that my 3-year-old son was diagnosed with autism, they took off like a gaggle of geese at the sound of a gunshot.
This life-altering experience made me keenly aware of how some women take and take and don't give back. While guys accept that gals are more verbal, they get turned off when they have a need to talk and nobody listens. It makes them feel hurt, angry, and distrustful.
Sadly, I've known women who are put upon when their guys need to open up and discuss their feelings, making offensive comments such as: “It's like he's grown a vagina!” and “He must need more testosterone!” Their callousness is a fatal flaw if their goal is to keep a man and make him happy. According to a study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, men view women who listen in a much more favorable light than those who don't. They see them as more feminine, more sexually appealing, and more suitable as long-term partners.
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3. Badmouthing Other Women
I must confess to hanging out with some mean girls when I was a teenager. We badmouthed others students about their clothes, makeup, personalities, and intelligence. It was a juvenile way to bolster ourselves at a time when we felt insecure and awkward. Yet, not surprisingly, I discovered these same mean girls were belittling me behind my back. That's when I swore off those cruel and disloyal types for good and so have plenty of guys.
Men will attest there are far too many grown-up mean girls in the dating pool today. They get turned off by these unkind women who clearly lack self-confidence. Study after study indicates that men find self-assurance an extremely desirable trait in a partner. This doesn't mean she needs to run her own business or earn a large salary. The confidence that men find appealing is when she feels good about herself, likes her job, has friends, is involved in the community, and doesn't have a need to put down others.
4. Not Having Their Own Friends and Hobbies
One of the great things about being in a family is we all take off on our own adventures each morning—work, school, meetings, sporting events, activities with friends—and then meet up at the dinner table to discuss the day's events. It's that splitting apart and coming together that adds interest to our lives and makes our relationships fulfilling.
There's nothing I hate more than visitors who come to stay with us and never do anything by themselves. They act like leeches on our very existence, expecting us to entertain them every minute. They're so draining and demanding. Men don't like it when women behave this way either, finding it a big turn-off.
Having friends and hobbies is everybody's own responsibility. If you don't, you become boring and dependent—a real drag. Friends and hobbies enrich our lives, relieve stress, and promote mental well-being. A smart man will quickly realize that a woman without them will not make a healthy and happy partner.
You can't expect to have a deep relationship with a shallow person.
— Doe Zantamata
5. Being Thin-Skinned
I enjoy living in an all-male environment because it's made me tougher—willing to hear criticism and take a joke, even at my own expense. I'm a better-adjusted person than when I surrounded myself with females—less neurotic and less self-absorbed. After living in a house with guys for 22 years, one of my biggest pet peeves is thin-skinned women and I'm not alone. They're a major turn-off to men.
While a thin-skinned woman may try to put a positive spin on it (“I'm incredibly sensitive”), she's really self-focused and takes everything personally. She has narcissistic tendencies that prevent her from seeing the big picture, laughing at herself, and looking at things from another's viewpoint.
This is a hard personality type to deal with for most men. They don't want to walk around on eggshells, trying so hard to not offend. They want a woman who's confident enough to take some ribbing without her feelings getting hurt. The thin-skinned female is high maintenance and rarely worth the effort.
Okay, ladies, tell the truth!
Questions & Answers
Question: What do I, a sixty-eight-year-old man, do to let a sixty-four-year-old wife know that her illnesses and pain turns me off?
Answer: At first glance, your question struck me as quite callous. If your wife has a legitimate illness, it's your obligation as her spouse to be supportive and empathetic as stated in your wedding vows “in sickness and in health.” If she's suffering, it's extremely difficult for her to think of anything else and you should be sensitive to that. However, if you're implying that she's not taking care of herself, isn't seeing the doctor, and is just being passive and complaining, then that is a different situation, and your frustration is understandable. A negative spouse can certainly bring us down and impact our well-being.
As we age, we all suffer from aches, pains, and other health issues. We may put on weight, have a lower libido, and not feel as attractive. However, we owe it to our partners to stay as fit as possible (physically and mentally) and do what we can to look our best. With our lifespans getting longer, we no longer see our 60's as a time to wither away and prepare for our demise. We may have decades longer to live, and we want partners who are fun to be with and encourage us to be our best. When it comes to the normal, natural conditions of growing older, we all must “suck it up” because nobody enjoys hearing us whine.
I suggest you get your wife motivated to lead a healthier and happier life by starting a walking routine, yoga, hiking, biking, dancing, or whatever strikes your fancy. Exercise is the best way to make us more energetic and optimistic. Change up your diet as well. My family changed to a vegetarian lifestyle six months ago. We're all loving the new foods we're eating and the new vitality we're experiencing. We also stopped watching television and now spend more time playing board games, reading, studying, and being outdoors. When we're engaged in life and living in the moment, we're less likely to think of our problems.
“Gray divorce” has gotten a lot of attention recently as the divorce rate for couples over 50 has doubled. This can occur in a situation like yours when one spouse wants to be positive, active, and adventurous and the other one is acting like an old fogy or is suffering from a serious illness. As always, open and honest communication is critical if you want to stay together. Lovingly, tell your wife how you're feeling about her complaints. Come up with a solution that makes you both feel heard and valued. Talk about a shared vision for your senior years and make a plan. I wish you both health and happiness.
© 2016 McKenna Meyers