Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).
A Man’s Instinct to Run Away
Has your man ever told you that he’s going fishing with his buddies or going away for a few days of camping? Well, maybe he likes the outdoors—but more than likely, he also likes taking a break from you. Don’t worry too much about it; it’s actually pretty normal for a man to get sick of a woman every once in awhile and want to be alone, even if he loves her very much.
Maybe you understand this behavior and you feel it yourself from time to time. Maybe you find it baffling, and can’t wrap your head around why he would want to be away from you for even a minute. Either way, his wanderings will usually be temporary...unless you’re doing something to drive him away. Indeed, most of the time a guy who has wandered off will show up at your door again, but if you’re repeatedly showing him your negative side, he might think twice about coming back.
Here are some of the things women unconsciously do that drive men away. Are you guilty of a few of these yourself?:
#1: Not Giving Him Space
First and foremost, men need space. If you don’t give it to us, then we will make some. The more you try to pull us in with any semblance of neediness, the more we will run away to be alone. You can’t really blame a man for this; you’re probably the same way in some capacity, and all human beings need space.
The best way to drive him off, though, is to be extra suffocating. Call him every day. Ask him where he is at every moment. Get angry if he doesn’t text you back. Show up at his job unannounced. Insist that you should have all the same hobbies. Act jealous whenever he talks to another woman. Act hurt when he doesn’t invite you to hang out with his friends.
Box him into a corner and watch how fast he’ll run.
#2: Being a Doormat
This may seem counterintuitive, but giving a man everything he wants can actually drive him away. By all means, you will want to help fulfill some of his needs, but a lot of women feel the need to bend over backwards and cater to a man’s every whim, afraid that he’ll lose interest if she doesn’t agree with him every time.
This is a huge mistake. Sure, he may be delighted at first that you are so agreeable and quick to provide him with his every desire, but sooner or later he will notice your lack of self-worth and get bored of you. People who are chronically agreeable are simply afraid of expressing their own true needs, and sooner or later this will become a huge problem in the relationship.
Unless he’s a megalomaniac, he wants to date a unique person with her own desires and thoughts, not someone who will just say “yes” to everything. Make no mistake, this is a wall of “yes” that you have built to hide your true self, because you’re afraid that he may not like you for who you actually are.
#3: Nagging Him
This goes without saying, but nagging gets old really fast. The thing is, though, that everyone’s definition of nagging is different and everyone sees different things as either petty or essential. A quick trick to know whether you are going on too much about petty things is to monitor how often you complain to your man about something. If there’s tons to complain about, chances are that you could cut down, even if you’re totally convinced that it’s justified. Ask yourself:
- Do you feel the need to correct his “stupid mistakes” every day?
- Are you a perfectionist and can’t understand why everyone else—including him—can’t live up to your superior standards?
- Does everything have to be “just right” for you around the house or else it really bothers you?
- Do you have a hard time understanding how your boyfriend or husband can just shrug his shoulders at a dirty sock on the floor or an unwashed bowl in the sink?
- Does it seem like your man is always doing something (or failing to do something) just to bother you?
If any of these applies, you’ve probably been nagging him too much about stuff. Stop it! Seriously, all those little things that seem so important in the moment probably aren’t. If you have to nag him to get him to behave the way you want, then maybe the two of you are incompatible (or maybe you have control issues).
#4: Being Judgmental
You may say that you’re not a judgmental person, but everyone is to some degree. It’s a pretty normal part of being a human who is raised and conditioned in a rather judgmental society.
However, this doesn’t mean that you have to be constantly passing judgment on your man for things that he does or has done in the past. If he makes mistakes in the relationship, it’s perfectly fine to call him out on them, but bringing them up and judging him harshly for them over and over will certainly drive him away if he has an ounce of self-worth.
If your man has done something unforgivable in your eyes—like cheated on you—then don’t waste your time judging him, either. Kick him to the curb and get it over with. Life is too short.
#5: Asking for Too Many Favors
Some guys love to be of service, and most of us at least like to help out every once in awhile to make you happy, but most of the time we don’t want to be your unofficial man-servant. Some women never get the memo on this one, and they order their men around like they’re commanding a ship.
Just because a guy might be physically stronger or might know how to fix this or that, doesn’t mean that he wants to do those things for you. Everyone’s time is limited and precious, so don’t make those assumptions. If your guy likes to be left alone and grumbles whenever you ask to be rescued from your clogged toilet or your leaky faucet, consider hiring a plumber instead.
If you make too many unfair demands on a man’s time, expect him to disappear for awhile, especially if you’re asking for favors every other time you call.
#6: Not Getting Along With His Friends and Family
Most people have a “tribe” that they belong to, and you need to respect your man’s tribe, even if it might be very different from yours. If your boyfriend or husband sees you disrespecting his friends or family on a consistent basis, he will probably start reconsidering his choice of woman.
Even if you don’t like his friends, be civil at least. Look deep inside yourself and try your best to determine whether they really are a bunch of idiots like your mind is telling you, or whether you are simply jealous of his time and are blaming the members of his community.
Your Tribe vs His Tribe
#7: Insulting the Things He Loves
Because of social conditioning and other factors, men won’t normally go around gushing about the things they love. They communicate this in a more subtle way usually, so you may have to listen closely to understand what is truly important to him.
For example, his beat-up car may be a rust bucket from your perspective and you’re embarrassed to be seen in it, but to him it may be an old friend that he’s grown attached to since college. In a case like this, if you insult his car, you may be insulting an extension of his identity. You may be insulting the years of memories and good times that he spent in that rusty old wagon.
This goes for non-material things as well. Don’t assume that just because he’s had a hard time getting along with his sister, that you have the right to say that she’s a dolt who is unworthy of his love. Just because his favorite movie got terrible reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, doesn’t mean that the storyline doesn’t have a deep significance to him.
#8: Getting in the Way of His Life Goals
Obviously, this one is more severe than probably any of the others listed so far, but if you get in the way of some major passion in your man’s life, expect him to head for the hills. In fact, he should head for the hills. No relationship is worth giving up the things that mean the most to you in life—and this goes for you and your own life, as well.
#9: Insisting That He “Talk About It”
Communication is extremely important in a relationship. We cannot emphasize this enough. Just as with compassion, self-worth, and self-awareness, communication skills are essential for making a good relationship.
Having said that, let him come to you when he’s ready. Forcing him to talk about things that he’d rather keep to himself will usually work against you and will make him clam up more. Push too hard, and you will drive him away. Instead, work on being nonjudgmental and open yourself, and he will probably feel comfortable enough to share things after a bit of time.
If, however, he never reaches that point and insists on never talking about your relationship problems, then indeed this is a huge issue. You’re probably better off finding someone who will eventually communicate, otherwise you can never solve the conflicts that will eventually come up in the relationship.
#10: Giving Him Ultimatums
If you’re at the point of needing ultimatums, then the relationship is probably over. Ultimatums are when you give someone a chance to change for you and a limited time to do it. The thing is that no one should change for you, even if they would be better off changing. Ultimatums might work in the short term and get the person to modify their behavior, but without any intrinsic motivation, nothing but external factors will change.
Worse still, if you push your man to change for you too many times, resentment will probably start to build. This will drive him away over time.
So What Can You Do?
If you have bad relationship “habits,” then it seems like it will only be a matter of time until you push your guy away. It doesn’t have to be this way, though. Focus on being kind, showing him compassion and space, and not expecting him to be responsible for your happiness. Being mindful of these things alone will go along way towards helping you avoid the above behaviors that drive men away.
© 2017 Jorge Vamos