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Why Complex People Seek Simplicity in Their Relationships

What is a complex person? What do complex people need from a relationship?

What is a complex person? What do complex people need from a relationship?

When Complex People Date Simple People

I have learned that most people with complex brains and/or hearts search for mental and emotional simplicity. Complex people seem to believe that the intellectual differences in these mismatched relationships will relieve some of the burden of the perplexing depths of their own hearts and minds.

Likewise, they feel as though if their partner shares the same intellectual or emotional depths, this will only add to their already existent burden of all the complexities constantly resonating in their minds and/or hearts.

I wholeheartedly disagree.

Complexity Requires Understanding From a Like-Minded Partner

You are complex, and that is beautiful. The multiple layers of which you are composed are presented to you as a gift that you should cherish. You should accept those layers. You should study them. You should spend your life evaluating them and figuring them out. You can’t do this with a simple person by your side.

Simple people “dumb you down,” so to speak. They will force your layers to the back of your mind. You will inevitably, slowly, become simplistic yourself.

Even still, you will eventually regain your layers once this relationship fails—and, trust me, it will fail.

“Abandon the urge to simplify everything, to look for formulas and easy answers, and to begin to think multidimensionally, to glory in the mystery and paradoxes of life, not to be dismayed by the multitude of causes and consequences that are inherent in each experience—to appreciate the fact that life is complex.”
M. Scott Peck

Complexity Is a Gift, Not a Problem

Complex people have problems. Well, society labels them as problems. I think they’re gifts. They may cause suffering, but they’re attributes that only you possess. They create your uniqueness. PTSD? A simple mind can’t comprehend this. A simple mind will freak out and run at the first sign of your PTSD. Depression? A simple mind will label you as weak, a fake, a pill-popping lunatic.

Men, especially, seem to run away from complex women. It’s true that men can “fake” life on a superficial level. Obviously, some women can too. I am a woman, however, and I honestly can’t comprehend this ability. I was married to a simple person for almost nine years. He is a hard-working, smart man. However, intelligence doesn’t mean complex.

Complex people require more understanding of their partners. Simple people will simply never understand. Pun intended.

“Man is not born to solve the problem of the universe, but to find out what he has to do; and to restrain himself within the limits of his comprehension.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Don't Let Other People Limit You

Restrain yourself by the limits of your own comprehension. Don't make the mistake of restraining yourself by the comprehensive limits of other people.

What Is a Complex Person?

A complex mind and heart are certainly not interchangeable. A person may possess one without the other. The most complex people, however, possess both.

Traits of a Complex Person

  • You find beauty in things that no one else even notices.
  • You stay up late at night. Sometimes, you don't sleep at all. Your brain is in overdrive when everyone else's brain is fast asleep.
  • You are creative. Maybe you're a songwriter. Maybe you're a poet. Maybe you paint beautifully. Maybe you're an actor. Maybe you're an architect.
  • You're capable of reading people, and you do it quite well. Most likely, you're interested in Criminal Justice, Psychology, or Sociology. You profile people because you're naturally accurate at doing so. However, you are likely to be frequently misunderstood. People can't read you.
  • You're smart and naïve at the same time.
  • You're equally introverted and extroverted. You need people just as much as you need solitude.
  • You're full of self-doubt and self-confidence simultaneously.
  • You seem to defy gender stereotypes. You have all the qualities of your own gender, but you have many qualities of the opposite gender as well.
  • You are so opinionated and blunt that you unknowingly offend other people.
  • You long for someone to actually understand you.
  • If you give your true opinion on something, people look at you like you're an alien. They have no idea what you said.
  • Your thoughts are over-powering.
  • Though you've tried for years, you simply can't fit in with other people, but you don't actually want to fit in with them. You want to find the people who are just like you. After all, the law of probability assures you that at least one other person is just like you.
Left Brain and Right Brain

Left Brain and Right Brain

The Complex Brain

Most people are vaguely aware of the "left brain/right brain" theory. This theory, in my opinion, is irrelevant to complex, gifted individuals. People who are mentally and emotionally composed of a single layer may indeed be able to evaluate themselves using this theory; however, complex people will most likely find inaccuracies in the theory.

This is because complex people use a greater percentage of their brains as a whole. There is simply no need to dissect the brain directionally. Think about it like this:

You've seen the images of brain testing that show highlighted areas of the brain that react to particular situations, words, images, etc. These images depict the brains of normal, simple people. Picture yourself and your own brain participating in such a study. You know already that there wouldn't be an area of your brain that lacks the evidence of increased brain function. Your whole life and everything you've ever known and felt is indicative of your brain function being in overdrive.

The Denial of Giftedness

As a gifted, complex individual, I can honestly say that we feel so much more than most people. We are incapable of denying our emotions. We can't lie. We can't fake things. We can't hurt people.

While I am proud of my level of morality, sometimes I truly wish I possessed the capacities of the average-minded human being. This is a defensive mechanism that I'll never be able to utilize. I'm simply not capable of it, and it is discouraging to me that most people are capable of prioritizing their own selfishness over the idea of treating people as human beings. Am I overly-empathetic? Yes. Would I change this? Never.

When someone else hurts, I hurt equally as much. Sometimes, I hurt even more. I put myself into his or her situation. My brain produces all of the hypothetical thoughts that must be going through his or her mind. My heart follows suit, and I am in agony.

This is why complex people truly are capable of understanding other people, regardless of similar personal situations or a lack thereof. Maybe we haven't experienced what you've experienced, but we felt the heartache you felt, and we can't stop feeling it.

We are the definition of complex. We are good-hearted. We are intellectual. Some of us are emotionally intelligent. If you are wounded, we feel your pain. We are caretakers. We think we can fix everybody. We are naïve. We never learn. We never change.

We're not supposed to change. We are necessities. We are self-sacrificing polymaths. We are the backbone and the armor to the rest of society. We are the only ones capable of love in every extent of the definition. The emotional walls we portray are facades. We are open books, and we allow everyone the opportunity to destroy us. But we pick ourselves back up. We put ourselves back together. We find someone else, and we give them the optimistic benefit of the doubt. It's a constant cycle.

No matter how negative this may sound to you, my fellow complex individual, you must not give in to the temptations of simplicity. Remember, you can hide your layers for so long, but you'll never be happy while doing so.

Read those philosophy books. Take pictures of storm clouds while standing in the pouring rain. Don't swallow any of your beautiful words. Share them freely. Do weird things for which you'll be judged. Stand alone or don't stand at all. Eventually, your realism will be recognized by someone capable of comprehending you.

The journey to find this person is long, hard, and torturous, but it is definitely worth it.

“Her complexity is a glorious fire that consumes, while her simplicity goes unapproachable. But if one takes time to understand her, there is something beautiful to find, something simple to be loved. But she goes unloved, for being misunderstood.”
Anthony Liccione