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How to Date an INFJ

I'm a Midwesterner with a background in writing and media. My articles are mainly about relationships, dating, and heartbreak.

how-to-date-an-infj

Connecting With the Psychic Type

If you are certain that you have an INFJ in your life, you should know that this is a complicated waltz. It's not that an INFJ wants to be complicated, They're just kind of a perfectionist — and particularly so in relationships. They're looking for the best match possible. So if they're giving you ANY time, that most likely means they have thought about it in advance.

On the other hand, sometimes an INFJ goes through a phase where they really just don't care — and might be three sheets to the wind about who they date. This is an undesirable INFJ experience for you. It means they're unstable, and the reason why may be loaded.

The Mystic

INFJ folk are natural mystics. Their calling card to life is their intuition and their feelings. They're meant for people, but unlike ENFJs who automatically will be in a relationship, like from birth, INFJs can be religiously single, focused on their careers, or religiously monogamous. If they are stuck on someone in their head, they may refuse even thinking about anyone else, even if this person is only a crush.

INFJs go through phases of wanting to be in love, wanting to be entirely single, and also just putting a bag on their head and forgetting the whole ordeal. Why might they have this paradox etched eternally onto their soul? Why are they being so dramatic underneath a disguise of inner calm?

The Complicated Soul

A big part of it is because INFJs are more complicated than most people know. They are full of energy, brains, and emotions. When they like someone, it is heavy. Maybe not in a carnal way (though that can happen) but in a more ethereal way that catches their otherworldly brain and heart. It's an experience that is great if kindled properly, but if an INFJ goes unrequited, this experience can not only suck, but it can be distracting to maintaining their (likely) busy life.

The Seeker

An INFJ longs for a relationship that most people don't have built into their software to be seeking. It is an exceptional experience that happens to them, and it may sound great if you've never had such a high burst of energy . . . but it can also be a burden. This is why after dealing with a heartache or two, the INFJ may throw romance to the side for a long stretch of time, especially if they can reasonably see that settling down is not required of them anytime soon . . . or at all.

So what an INJF craves is trust and peace. They are sharks for knowing when they have been two-timed, and they hate it with an intense passion when seeking their mate. They can forgive, but they hate being required to forgive. They can also be baffled because grace is something that just comes out of them, and they're surprised by how generously they'll give that grace, and at other times they suffer in trying to find any of that grace to share for a human being who has somehow gotten on their black list.

The Patient Romantic

If you want an INFJ, 9 out of 10 times you need to take it slow — slow as in months or years. This will help them to do a background check on you. This will come from the conversations you have with them, and they'll be watching you and taking note. They actually enjoy this process. It's the "J" part of their personality working for them. They prefer that you befriend them before you date them. It's very weird to many of them to consider dating out of the blue. Many might not believe in the concept of dating. Or they may succumb to it out of necessity.

They don't like to force romance. They want it to unfold naturally, as graced by the universe, as if by destiny. You need to be a little aggressive with an INFJ and also . . . don't be too aggressive. That will make them question you. Eventually, an INFJ calms down from their perfection-seeking. They realize everyone is human, including themselves. The more they understand the principles of forgiveness, the more ready they are for a relationship.

INFJ is worth your affections. It's like winning the king or queen. Not only do they make for some of the best relationships (if you have the wit for it), they are excellent parents. They don't want to be screwed over by people. They especially don't want to waste their time on someone when they could be working on creative projects that help propel them forward in the world. Wasting time on a person seems backwards to the INFJ.

The Virgin

INFJs do connect well if you touch them. This is one way they can tell whether they trust you or not. However, this is one of the most unusual things about an INFJ — they're obsessed with virtue and character, and probably are more on the side of waiting until marriage. You probably are not going to meet that many adult virgins nor INFJs. However, they'll all know each other because they've probably studied similar things in college and hung out together . . . and are still confused why they're all single. INFJs tend to be together in herds. They like writing, music, creativity, and spirituality. You'll probably find a whole herd of single INFJs at a church . . . or a library.

The Sensitive Adventurer

This particular personality is sensitive, even more so in dating than in friendship. They can write off the things of friends, but when it comes to dating — do not cancel on them, avoid being late, do be interesting, do be random, and do be spontaneous.

They don't do well with boring. They're more likely to date, or rather, jump on the back of a motorcycle with a complete stranger (because they're in their committed single phase) than spend time with a guy who is so boring that he talks about the colors he likes to paint walls.

To woo an INFJ, you should have a list of entertaining, bizarre activities to enjoy. They won't care if they go to it and hate it; the fact that it's original is so endearing and novel to them that they might not even know if the activity was a bust or not. Just the fact that it was different is perfect. It's a far cry from boring. Avoid going out and getting drinks — this isn't going to be memorable.

INFJs like to have the most interesting dates possible, whether or not they tell you this. They love dates because they get to show off the spontaneous sides that they have while also having the ability to time everything mysteriously well.

The Know-It-All

Does it seem like your INFJ has something stuck up their butt? INFJs are know-it-alls. They don't always see this, but they can ramble on about a number of various subjects for ages. If you want to have something more sensual, you'll have to help frame that. Again, they're not going to do anything behind doors with you unless there's a pretty serious commitment on the table . . . or they're out of their minds.

They're not as big of prudes as you may think. In fact, they'll probably surprise you and themselves. Again, they have an unimaginable amount of energy coursing through their veins both intuitively and in the feeling department. They're creative and know how to generally visualize and understand things. They can check off the bedroom as another activity that they've mastered.

Before that, though, you have to build your trust with them. They won't give you a chance to see most sides of them, unless they feel that you've earned it.

The Lightweight

Giving an INFJ alcohol to try to help them connect with you can backfire wildly. It's like playing Russian Roulette. You don't know what's going to happen with this random person, and nor do they. It could turn into a summersault of strange, embarrassing emotions, or the coolest and greatest thing you've ever seen. INFJs are not known for holding their liquor. It goes against their hardwiring. It's kind of like seeing a cross between a computer glitch and a freak out. It can be entertaining, but it isn't controllable. There's a lot that an INFJ is noticing about people, and when their lips are loose they can say too many things that are better left hidden.

INFJs need time to think and ponder and marinate. Each interaction you give to an INFJ will be considered by them and reviewed often. The words you say, the gifts, the way you touch them — it all will make them wonder if you are right for them.

how-to-date-an-infj

Successfully Dating an INFJ

Here's some additional tips:

  1. Compliment them. INFJs tend to be writers and word enthusiasts. Complimenting them will help start the conversation. An original one will get their attention, but be careful not to get too weird on a compliment or it'll just come off playful, not flirtatious.
  2. If you have to cancel, apologize sincerely. Get them a gift. Reschedule. If you do this a lot — consider yourself out of their interest.
  3. Write them a letter. Be classy and old-fashioned. It'll catch them off guard.
  4. If they have a pet, treat them like a queen or king. INFJs are all about cute children and animals.
  5. Get along with their families. INFJs hold a special place in most families.
  6. Take a shower. Dress nice.
  7. Be flexible. Being too strict or rigid might throw them off.
  8. INFJs have moments where they will say something sharply out of the blue. Don't investigate it too much. They're being direct with you. They're probably right about something, so don't try to shake things up too much.
  9. Treat them to a nice dinner.
  10. Do you have a bachelor pad or bachelorette pad? They won't think that's cool at all.
  11. Learn plenty of skills to impress them. Languages, musical instruments, dances, and whatever. Keep the conversation toward their interests.
  12. INFJs are great eavesdroppers. If they understand the conversation and know of anything related -- they'll chime in. Try to help them by going toward categories they understand.
  13. Asking them to help you with your homework means you're asking for homework help. They won't read into this.
  14. If they're already taken — you don't stand a chance.
  15. Console them if they're really emotional. Reassure them gently.
  16. Don't smother them too much. That will send them into introverted retreat mode.
  17. If you get too lazy and make them feel more like a maid or servant — they might drop you.
  18. They will love you to the moon and back and be obsessed with you if they see a great connection. But they are ready to cut you if you cross them, and they'll completely cut you from their lives.
  19. Probably not into sports.
  20. Give them a hug every time you see them.
how-to-date-an-infj

© 2015 Andrea Lawrence

Comments

Monica - INFJ on August 20, 2020:

I often wonder how many men came across your article before they date me : ) We are not psychic. We just use introverted intuition as our primary cognitive function and to those who don’t , probably 85% of the population out there , they have a difficult time to understand how we gather information and solve problems. It’s human nature to categorise people, if they can’t comprehend, they think you are a witch.

However, 90% of the stuff written here is pretty accurate in my case and very entertaining to read. I have an INFJ group meetup every week basically just a herd of INFJs meet in a cafe to talk about their problems. I personally think as 1.5 % of the population we are quite disadvantaged. As a kid, I constantly sought solutions to make myself fit in. I always feel like an unicorn wearing a knitted hat with a pong pong (my favourite hat) mixing with all the other horses. From observation, horses are different. Some are wild, some thoroughbreds some grey some chestnut but whatever, they are horses and to look like a horse, I need to wear a hat. When I go to an INFJ group meeting, that’s the only time I take off my hat : ) so Ye, we are in the same herd.

I don’t do well with alcohol. Actually I am alcohol intolerant. Half a glass it’s over. Once my friends tricked me drinking some grape juice mixed with wine, I turned into a gekko trying to climb the wall the whole night.

I am semi-sexual so I really build mental connection first before I physically connect with a man. Men love using microwave, quick easy convenient. They can’t be bothered with a slow cooker. So when you are born as a slow cooker, you are disadvantaged. The girl lives next door goes clubbing every Friday night, she gets laid and I get to listen. I am very grateful to my ex boyfriend although he didn’t treat me very well because if it wasn’t him so damn aggressively pursuing, I’d probably be the oldest virgin in the world.

Things that I doubt I’d do is to jump on a motorbike with a random dude. I am very light and petite I might get blown off the back seat. My dates don’t have to be spontaneous, although parts of me are very childlike. I just need the dude to be himself, so I can make my assessment accurately whether he fits me like a puzzle or he doesn’t. I don’t like playing games and I hate hurting or refusing men.

And I am okay with sports. I don’t play but I watch :-)

Aku on July 14, 2020:

I was reading through this article and i just found it interesting. I felt as though it was written from the perspective of an INFJ in regards to their personal outlook on life. I dont mean to devalue this information tho. With INFJ being a personality type it seem likely that many things an individual would like would have a high probability of being relatable to all INFJs. Interestingly tho I would Point to the (additional tips) and read one out and simply ask. Is this tip specifically valuable to INFJ as a result of particular traits they would have or is this applicable to some, most, or all other personalities as well? Im really curious, are the suggestions and view points personal and simply shared by other like minded individuals? Or is the information based on observational information gathered from many INFJs and the commonalities between them? And how much of this information is accurate across the board regardless of the personality? Im not expecting any responses, just food for thought. Have a good day to you dear reader and enjoy

L. Sydney Fisher, Author on February 12, 2020:

Wow. Spot on! I enjoyed reading this. And as an INFJ, I found it to be 99.9% accurate. ;) lsydneyfisher.com

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on July 25, 2019:

Indeed!

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on February 27, 2019:

Yes indeed!

Yaka on May 23, 2018:

Wow, as the others already said, this is incredibly accurate, it made me smile in a silly way, thank you :)

Ace on May 23, 2018:

Awesome article! Just to let ladies know being an INTP, the whole things about aggressively pursing a woman and figuring out how to seduce them in dating is boring to me.....I'd rather pal around with a woman and be friends, maybe it's the Sagittarius in me IDK. Not every guy is into trying to get into a woman's skirt as fast as possible....and witty banter is numero uno of great things that can eventuate on a date....if each of us think the other is funny, then I say to myself, "well alright then, maybe this could be someone to hang out with, have fun and see what develops."

Clinging, being needy, crying or flaking out/cancelling in the first couple of dates, it's over before it started and I'm changing my phone number.

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on April 05, 2018:

Science and research are great, but some of these devices like Myers Briggs really cut to the point when it comes to internal logic, which isn't always easy to test or explain. Not all things can be quantified, which is why we use theory -- because theory is more dimensional and allows for interpretation of facts, experiences, and the like. Myers Briggs is still active in pockets, even if science wants to shrug it off -- but a lot of science doesn't like dealing with this type of reasoning because it's too fluid, unpredictable (by their standards), and less formulaic. You can find a great deal in Myers Briggs, if you want to find it.

Paula Lovell on March 24, 2018:

INJF’s are thought to be one of the rarest personality types in the world. I am an INJF and have taken this test ad-naseum and rarely has but one character varied. Until recently this was thought a psychologically sound test. Now psychology is all about measuring, data, frequency, latency, and is it observable. This test (Myers-Briggs) was based on Carl Jung’s work, and I believe science will eventually figure many of his stereotypes and archetypes through research.

Melissa on March 21, 2018:

Love this! So much of this is spot on. Too aggressive actually sends me running for the hills, lol. I may be less flexible and spontaneous as a Taurean INFJ but yeah, this all resonates with me. Thank you!

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on November 16, 2017:

INFJ do like a good amount of conversation and mental stimulation. It's going to be hard for them to feel like they have enough room to express themselves with a slow witted partner.

Mary Katherine on October 26, 2017:

Getting drinks is good—but only if the conversation is interesting. I like low key and simple because it focuses my attention on the other person, and there are minimal distractions, allowing me to make my judgements and work out how I feel. Coming home from dates that require a lot of energy makes me feel like I haven't made any progress in sorting out my feelings, even if I've had fun. On the other hand, if we're having drinks and I'm solely responsible for keeping the conversation ball in the air and coming up with new topics, I'm going to exhaust quickly and not invite him in when he takes me home. I don't know if other INFJs are the same way, but I so prefer great back and forth conversation to any other experience. Even if he's emphatically disagreeing with me, if his reasoning is solid and interesting, I enjoy the push back.

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on September 22, 2017:

Thank you. I always love hearing when a hub like this is accurate.

Grace from far away... on September 19, 2017:

I've got to give you the hat on this article... You're either an INFJ yourself, or you should hold on to your resources with your dear life because I couldn't stop myself from agreeing with all of your points! It's ridiculously on point! Boom! after boom! I believe this article most accurately gives advice on dating INFJs, well done!

April on September 11, 2017:

I've not read an article that I recall, with more spot on descriptions & instructions

Sonya on July 06, 2017:

Absolute 100% truth I say. I'm an INFJ and I defiantly agree. Like even the details to exceptions to certain things are SO TRUTHFUL! And for any INFJ out there worries you'll never find someone willing to wait... believe me they r out there and it is worth it! My boyfriend now I've known (and where best friends) for 4 years. I say for my personality type having that best friend background and truthly knowing each other (good and bad) has made our relationship the unbrakable one it is. I haven't been able to test what personally type he is yet but we both are pretty obsessed with each other so that helps a lot too

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on June 21, 2017:

:) Glad to hear it is accurate.

Rozarrianne on June 20, 2017:

"They prefer that you befriend them before you date them." - This is correct.

And everything above is 100% accurate for me as an INFJ.

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on June 16, 2017:

I am ever so delighted to know this hub helped you out.

Antonella on June 09, 2017:

Oh this is the best! No need to justify anything anymore. I'll hand out your article and if they agree they upgrade to second base lol

In all seriousness, thank you. I thourougly enjoyed reading about myself ;)

Ax

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on April 24, 2017:

You are not the first to say this; it appears some INFJ types like sports. :)

Laura P on April 22, 2017:

I like sports! Everything else is spot on!

Eunice Simon on March 15, 2017:

I'm an INFJ and I love sports...

Samantha on January 04, 2017:

Bizarre how spot on this is.

Ava on December 26, 2016:

Found myself laughing out loud. So damn true!!

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on September 18, 2016:

Glad I could create such a manual as this!

Lola on September 16, 2016:

This is so accurate... if there was ever a manual for dating me, this would basically be it haha

Erika on April 17, 2016:

I'm an INFJ - totally agree with all of this, thank you!

Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on July 20, 2015:

It may take time, but there's definitely guys out there who would be that patient. And it's totally worth it.

Lei on July 20, 2015:

As an INFJ I agree with everything written. The problem is that I realize that I'm too much work... I don't know guys that will invest that much in a relationship and will be willing to take it slow =\

Trinity on June 22, 2015:

me to a T! Nice to be understood finally! Good job to whoever wrote this!

Olivia on April 23, 2015:

I am an infj and i never really let anyone but my fiancé hug me, like just one arm 3 pats hug for parents but it's really important to me that he does. How did you know?

Boe on March 30, 2015:

I am an INFJ and this is all 100% true! lol