How to Date an INFJ
Connecting With the Psychic Type
If you are certain that you have an INFJ in your life, you should know that this is a complicated waltz. It's not that an INFJ wants to be complicated, They're just kind of a perfectionist — and particularly so in relationships. They're looking for the best match possible. So if they're giving you ANY time, that most likely means they have thought about it in advance.
On the other hand, sometimes an INFJ goes through a phase where they really just don't care — and might be three sheets to the wind about who they date. This is an undesirable INFJ experience for you. It means they're unstable, and the reason why may be loaded.
INFJ folk are natural mystics. Their calling card to life is their intuition and their feelings. They're meant for people, but unlike ENFJs who automatically will be in a relationship, like from birth, INFJs can be religiously single, focused on their careers, or religiously monogamous. If they are stuck on someone in their head, they may refuse even thinking about anyone else, even if this person is only a crush.
INFJs go through phases of wanting to be in love, wanting to be entirely single, and also just putting a bag on their head and forgetting the whole ordeal. Why might they have this paradox etched eternally onto their soul? Why are they being so dramatic underneath a disguise of inner calm?
The Complicated Soul
A big part of it is because INFJs are more complicated than most people know. They are full of energy, brains, and emotions. When they like someone, it is heavy. Maybe not in a carnal way (though that can happen) but in a more ethereal way that catches their otherworldly brain and heart. It's an experience that is great if kindled properly, but if an INFJ goes unrequited, this experience can not only suck, but it can be distracting to maintaining their (likely) busy life.
An INFJ longs for a relationship that most people don't have built into their software to be seeking. It is an exceptional experience that happens to them, and it may sound great if you've never had such a high burst of energy . . . but it can also be a burden. This is why after dealing with a heartache or two, the INFJ may throw romance to the side for a long stretch of time, especially if they can reasonably see that settling down is not required of them anytime soon . . . or at all.
So what an INJF craves is trust and peace. They are sharks for knowing when they have been two-timed, and they hate it with an intense passion when seeking their mate. They can forgive, but they hate being required to forgive. They can also be baffled because grace is something that just comes out of them, and they're surprised by how generously they'll give that grace, and at other times they suffer in trying to find any of that grace to share for a human being who has somehow gotten on their black list.
The Patient Romantic
If you want an INFJ, 9 out of 10 times you need to take it slow — slow as in months or years. This will help them to do a background check on you. This will come from the conversations you have with them, and they'll be watching you and taking note. They actually enjoy this process. It's the "J" part of their personality working for them. They prefer that you befriend them before you date them. It's very weird to many of them to consider dating out of the blue. Many might not believe in the concept of dating. Or they may succumb to it out of necessity.
They don't like to force romance. They want it to unfold naturally, as graced by the universe, as if by destiny. You need to be a little aggressive with an INFJ and also . . . don't be too aggressive. That will make them question you. Eventually, an INFJ calms down from their perfection-seeking. They realize everyone is human, including themselves. The more they understand the principles of forgiveness, the more ready they are for a relationship.
INFJ is worth your affections. It's like winning the king or queen. Not only do they make for some of the best relationships (if you have the wit for it), they are excellent parents. They don't want to be screwed over by people. They especially don't want to waste their time on someone when they could be working on creative projects that help propel them forward in the world. Wasting time on a person seems backwards to the INFJ.
INFJs do connect well if you touch them. This is one way they can tell whether they trust you or not. However, this is one of the most unusual things about an INFJ — they're obsessed with virtue and character, and probably are more on the side of waiting until marriage. You probably are not going to meet that many adult virgins nor INFJs. However, they'll all know each other because they've probably studied similar things in college and hung out together . . . and are still confused why they're all single. INFJs tend to be together in herds. They like writing, music, creativity, and spirituality. You'll probably find a whole herd of single INFJs at a church . . . or a library.
The Sensitive Adventurer
This particular personality is sensitive, even more so in dating than in friendship. They can write off the things of friends, but when it comes to dating — do not cancel on them, avoid being late, do be interesting, do be random, and do be spontaneous.
They don't do well with boring. They're more likely to date, or rather, jump on the back of a motorcycle with a complete stranger (because they're in their committed single phase) than spend time with a guy who is so boring that he talks about the colors he likes to paint walls.
To woo an INFJ, you should have a list of entertaining, bizarre activities to enjoy. They won't care if they go to it and hate it; the fact that it's original is so endearing and novel to them that they might not even know if the activity was a bust or not. Just the fact that it was different is perfect. It's a far cry from boring. Avoid going out and getting drinks — this isn't going to be memorable.
INFJs like to have the most interesting dates possible, whether or not they tell you this. They love dates because they get to show off the spontaneous sides that they have while also having the ability to time everything mysteriously well.
Does it seem like your INFJ has something stuck up their butt? INFJs are know-it-alls. They don't always see this, but they can ramble on about a number of various subjects for ages. If you want to have something more sensual, you'll have to help frame that. Again, they're not going to do anything behind doors with you unless there's a pretty serious commitment on the table . . . or they're out of their minds.
They're not as big of prudes as you may think. In fact, they'll probably surprise you and themselves. Again, they have an unimaginable amount of energy coursing through their veins both intuitively and in the feeling department. They're creative and know how to generally visualize and understand things. They can check off the bedroom as another activity that they've mastered.
Before that, though, you have to build your trust with them. They won't give you a chance to see most sides of them, unless they feel that you've earned it.
Giving an INFJ alcohol to try to help them connect with you can backfire wildly. It's like playing Russian Roulette. You don't know what's going to happen with this random person, and nor do they. It could turn into a summersault of strange, embarrassing emotions, or the coolest and greatest thing you've ever seen. INFJs are not known for holding their liquor. It goes against their hardwiring. It's kind of like seeing a cross between a computer glitch and a freak out. It can be entertaining, but it isn't controllable. There's a lot that an INFJ is noticing about people, and when their lips are loose they can say too many things that are better left hidden.
INFJs need time to think and ponder and marinate. Each interaction you give to an INFJ will be considered by them and reviewed often. The words you say, the gifts, the way you touch them — it all will make them wonder if you are right for them.
INFJ personalities are desirable to date because:
Successfully Dating an INFJ
Here's some additional tips:
- Compliment them. INFJs tend to be writers and word enthusiasts. Complimenting them will help start the conversation. An original one will get their attention, but be careful not to get too weird on a compliment or it'll just come off playful, not flirtatious.
- If you have to cancel, apologize sincerely. Get them a gift. Reschedule. If you do this a lot — consider yourself out of their interest.
- Write them a letter. Be classy and old-fashioned. It'll catch them off guard.
- If they have a pet, treat them like a queen or king. INFJs are all about cute children and animals.
- Get along with their families. INFJs hold a special place in most families.
- Take a shower. Dress nice.
- Be flexible. Being too strict or rigid might throw them off.
- INFJs have moments where they will say something sharply out of the blue. Don't investigate it too much. They're being direct with you. They're probably right about something, so don't try to shake things up too much.
- Treat them to a nice dinner.
- Do you have a bachelor pad or bachelorette pad? They won't think that's cool at all.
- Learn plenty of skills to impress them. Languages, musical instruments, dances, and whatever. Keep the conversation toward their interests.
- INFJs are great eavesdroppers. If they understand the conversation and know of anything related -- they'll chime in. Try to help them by going toward categories they understand.
- Asking them to help you with your homework means you're asking for homework help. They won't read into this.
- If they're already taken — you don't stand a chance.
- Console them if they're really emotional. Reassure them gently.
- Don't smother them too much. That will send them into introverted retreat mode.
- If you get too lazy and make them feel more like a maid or servant — they might drop you.
- They will love you to the moon and back and be obsessed with you if they see a great connection. But they are ready to cut you if you cross them, and they'll completely cut you from their lives.
- Probably not into sports.
- Give them a hug every time you see them.
Questions & Answers
© 2015 Andrea Lawrence