Noah loves to write about relationship and relationship advice. His mission is to change people's lives and relationships to the better.
Traces of desire and love are often left behind after a relationship ends and can be easily recognised. In this article, I go over several signs that may indicate that your ex wants to get back together with you.
If you can identify with at least two, if not more, of these signs, it could indicate that you might have a chance with them. This is the foundation for coming up with the right plan to reconnect with your ex to repair a once-broken relationship.
This information is not a simple guide to show you how to have a successful relationship. It is also not a get-your-ex-back guide. It is simply to help you understand more about what they might be feeling and provide some guidelines that might be helpful for you as you try to proceed.
The 12 Signs That Your Ex May Want You Back
- You still have feelings for them.
- You and your ex stay in touch.
- You talk frequently.
- Your ex contacts you first.
- Your ex waits a few weeks to get their stuff back from you.
- They contact you more than you contact them.
- They frequently show up where you are.
- They call you for random reasons.
- They seem comfortable with you when talking or ask about your social life.
- They can't look you in the eye.
- They ask you if you're okay or if you're dating anyone.
- They act differently around you.
- You continue physical intimacy with them on a regular basis.
If You Want Your Ex Back
Here are some quick tips if you want your ex back. These are all easier said than done—but their purpose is to make sure you don't leave all of the power and decision making in the relationship up to them.
- Do not be the first one to contact them. Let them reach out to you. (Especially if they broke up with you.)
- Do not offer to give them their stuff back. Let them ask for it.
- Do not sleep with or be physically intimate with them because this can get tricky later on.
- Do not initiate contact with them more often than they initiate contact with you.
Sign #1: You Both Still Have Feelings for Each Other
The longer you were in the relationship, the more of an emotional impact it will have on you when it ends. When you commit to a long-term union, you share memories and experiences that will forever be a part of you both.
In the time immediately following a breakup, it is natural for you to put all of your focus on the negative things in the relationship. However, it is very important to realize that the emotions and feelings you had for your ex will not go away immediately. Your heart is not a light switch. The emotional bond will still be present.
Focus on the Good Things About the Relationship
Getting your ex back will depend on the balance between how long you will keep allowing your feelings to grow versus your wish to allow them to disappear.
The relationship didn’t have to last long for it to have made a lasting emotional mark on you. Many people think that just because a relationship was short-lived, their ex could not possibly want them back again because there wasn’t enough time for deep feelings to develop. Try to put these negative things out of your mind and focus on the good things – like what made the two of you fall for each other in the first place.
How Your Ex Might Contact You and What It Means
|Way of Contacting||What It Might Means||Signal Strength|
Just trying to stay in the loop about your life without any commitment
Same as email
Weak – Low
They are very interested in your life
They still have unresolved issues with the relationship
Sign #2: You and Your Ex Stay in Touch
Do you keep in contact with your ex? If so, how much, and how do you make contact? The way your ex contacts you after the breakup can tell you if they're still craving a relationship with you. The more direct their communication, the better.
Often times, an ex will use texting or email to contact you. This may seem like they are just being nice and trying to keep a friendship going, but it can also mean they're keeping an eye on your life and what you’re up to. This form of communication is the easiest way they can keep you in their life without having to make any quick decisions about the fate of the relationship.
If you are getting phone calls from your ex, they have chosen the most direct form of communication—this is a great sign. This is very up front and keeps you in real and direct contact, making it feel as if the relationship really isn’t over for good. Of course, meeting in person is always best, but if they want you back it will come to that point.
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And finally, making physical contact is always the best outcome. This means that they are not ready to let you go. They may want to stay broken up, but they are also doubting the decision in the first place. This is where the face-to-face meeting is the most helpful. Seeing you may just help them make up their mind.
Sign #3: You Talk Frequently
How often your ex contacts you is a sign of how much they actually want to be with you again. Someone who still wants you in their life will find a way to keep in contact. If they keep in touch after the breakup, it is a strong sign that they are unsure they made the right decision in leaving you. Another thing to look at is who initiates contact more often. Is it you or your ex? If they get in touch with you out of the blue, you may be back together soon!
Don't Contact Them First
A sure way to help things along is to make sure you are frequently on their mind. There are a couple of ways you can make this happen. Even if your ex has not initiated contact yet, this doesn’t mean it's over. Right after a breakup there is a type of mourning period, because a breakup is one type of death. They may need some time to think things through before making contact. Let them have this time. They need to have time to allow themselves to miss you.
Sign #4: Your Ex Contacts You First
As long as your ex is second guessing their choice to leave you, they will try to keep in touch. Knowing this, the sooner they make contact, the more you know they miss you and are not sure of their decision.
If your ex is the one to contact you first, you have a great sign! This can mean that they feel that they rushed the decision and are now in great doubt. Often times, an ex will make contact for a non-specific reason, such as just wanting to say hello or find out how you’re doing. These may sound like lame excuses, but just think of what they mean! What they are really trying to do is find any possible reason to contact you.
If you are the first one to make contact, you may find yourself the weak party. If you were the one who was dumped, this is especially true. You don’t want to come off as desperate or needy, so try your best to wait for them to contact you first. If you get that communication a few weeks after your breakup, this is a great sign. They need the time to see if they have a change of heart.
Sign #5: Your Ex Waits a Few Weeks to Get Their Stuff Back From You
One of the biggest reasons that exes see one another again is that they have to get things back from each other. This is your best shot at seeing how they feel about you after the breakup. You can’t avoid meeting because you need your things back, so look at it in a positive light because it is an innocent manner of running into you!
If they are still feeling emotional towards you, they will be in no hurry to break off contact. The best case scenario is that they come for their things, and in a few days they call to say they forgot an item. It is likely they “forgot” on purpose so they had an excuse to come back over.
If they want their stuff back right away, this can mean that they are still feeling hurt, bitter, angry, etc. They likely are feeling hotheaded and thinking with the pain in their heart. This is especially true if things ended very badly. So, if they wait to get their stuff for a few weeks, it is a much better sign. No matter which way this step goes, it's possible that they are still not sure what they want, and that is always a sign of hope.
Don't Rush Things and Don't Be Desperate
If it is your desire to have your ex back, never be the one to return their things to them. Once you do, then it is really over. If you want another chance, don’t burn this bridge.
Now for a positive thing; if you don’t rush things, it will play out in your favor. Desperation is not attractive and will drive them further away. Take out some time for a no-contact vacation from your ex to allow you both time to think and miss each other. The emotions are too raw right after a breakup.
Sign #6: Your Ex Contacts You More Than You Contact Them
Even though the levels of communication will be varied, it is always a good sign if your ex is the one making the most contact. There are many ways that they can do so; texting, calling, emailing, social networking, or simply showing up. If your ex is starting up more and more communication with you, then take this as a strong sign that they are clearly thinking of you and missing you!
When you are the one doing the contacting, make sure you have a solid excuse to do so. It will be difficult, but you have to do things that will make them miss you and make them wonder why you’re not contacting them all the time. This will make them contact you even more!
Now, if you are the one who does most of the contacting, it is not the best way to go about things. It may seem like you are chasing after them and that lowers your chances of getting them back. If you are sending messages, the replies you get may only be sent so as not to be rude and you don’t want to have your ex in your life out of pity. If you just have to make contact, do so once and then see where your ex takes it from there.
Sign #7: Your Ex Frequently Shows Up Where You Are
If your ex is popping up in the same places that you just happen to be, this is a sure sign that they are feeling jealous and want to keep an eye on you. These chance encounters are a great sign they want you back! The bottom line is, if they keep showing up where you are, it is either a sign of jealously or regret. Either way, it is good for you.
Many people who were once in a relationship have the same friends. This means you will likely see each other in group gatherings. They may not be checking up on you in these instances, but watch out for their body language. You will be able to tell how they are feeling by their body language, expressions, etc. Pay close attention to these things without being too obvious that you are paying attention.
When seeing you after the breakup, they may not know how to act with you. This may make them keep some distance. This doesn’t mean that they are not interested in you anymore but it does mean that they now have the chance to start missing you.
Sign #8: Your Ex Calls You for Random Reasons
Your ex typically won’t call you for no reason or out of the blue. Usually, they will first find a good excuse to make contact with you. Pay attention to these “reasons” and you will be able to figure out what they are really thinking by contacting you.
Four Reasons They Might Call
- They want their things back: If they made just one call for their things to be returned, this may not be the best sign. They may want a clean break from you and don’t feel comfortable with you anymore. The main reason they may feel uncomfortable or uneasy around you is that they are worried that things are still too fresh and they may buckle on their decision and go back into the relationship without thought. Try to figure them out after the breakup so you know how to approach them in the best way without making them uneasy.
- No real reason: On the other side of things, your ex may keep calling without any real reason for doing so, like asking about your mom, or something like that. They are not really calling to check on your mom! They are calling to talk to you and felt that they needed to come up with some kind of excuse, no matter how lame it may be. They want a reason to connect with you but don’t quite know how to go about it! Again, this is a very good sign.
- They "found" someone else: Now this part may sound weird, but honestly, some exes will call to let you know they found someone else. Chances are that they haven’t and are just trying to see how you will react to make you jealous. If they know you’re jealous, they know you’re still into them and that is what they wanted to know in the first place; asking directly would be too easy! If this happens, try not to get angry, remembering that it probably isn’t the truth. They are already questioning the breakup!
- They want your advice or opinions: Finally, one of the best signs is your ex calling you for your advice or opinions on things. This shows that they still care what you think and that they want a reason to contact you. If they are calling with a trivial question, they are not just calling for your answer. They are calling for your voice. They miss you and are thinking about turning back to you.
Sign #9: They Talk About Themselves or Ask About Your Social Life
The way your ex talks to you and what they talk about will tell you a lot about how they are feeling. They will have a certain aura about them and their attitude will speak volumes. Hiding strong emotions in the presence of someone you have cared for is virtually impossible to do.
There are several different ways that your ex might react to you when you talk. They might:
- Be dismissive: This is not a great sign
- Talk about themselves: This might mean that they're comfortable around you
- Talk about their life: This could be a bad sign. They might be moving on!
- Ask about your social life: They probably want to know if you've found someone
Often times, your ex will not feel comfortable talking with you, even if it is a simple chat. The reason for this may be that they want to keep distance between you two, sending a message that says getting back together is not an option. This is usually true if they were the one who was dumped by you. There is no sign that is stronger of your ex not wanting to get back together then if they are totally dismissive while talking to you. But, the dismissiveness may be because they are nervous around you now. You know them best so it is you who will know which is which.
Talking About Themselves
If your ex is constantly talking about himself or herself, it may come off to you as self-centered. But think about it like this; if they are talking about themselves, this can mean that they are perfectly comfortable around you—comfortable enough to share personal things. This is a good sign. Keep in mind though, that there are several reasons why keeping your ex as a friend is not a good idea. Watch out for falling into the trap of going from lover to friend. This is a bad zone if you want them back!
Talking About Their Social Life
Play close attention to the talks you two have. If you are hearing them say things about their social life a lot, watch out! They may be preparing to move on or already have—putting you in the friend zone. Or, they are making sure you understand that just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you’re back together or will be back together.
Asking About Your Social Life
If your ex asks about your social life, it is likely they are trying to see if you are seeing a new person even if they are not prepared to take you back right off the bat. It is, however, a sign that they don’t like the idea that you may be seeing someone else.
Sign #10: Your Ex Can't Look You in the Eye
There is much you can tell just by the way your ex behaves around you. If you pay close enough attention to what they say and their mannerisms, you can tell how much they still feel for you. If they are acting in a friendly way, they are likely trying to appease the situation between the two of you.
No matter how the breakup went down, acting friendly shows that their aim is to create comfort around you again. If they cannot look you right in the eyes, it may be that they are afraid to because it makes them feel conflicted about how they still feel about you. Again, this is a good sign.
Try to look at it like this: if they didn’t care about you anymore, eye contact would be simple. Avoidance means that either they regret letting you go or that they don’t quite know what to say to you. Either way, it is a good sign.
Sign #11: They Act Differently Around You
A change in behavior is another sign that your ex may want to rekindle your relationship again. Some changes will be noticeable right away, while others will take some time to surface. Stay vigilant so you can spot these changes when they happen. Honestly, there is no good reason that you two can’t be friendly around each other, but remember, showing friendliness doesn’t always mean something. However, if the behavior change around you is a radical one, it is definitely a good sign.
When you do see your ex again, they may either be pleased to see you or they may seem like they are in a bad mood. Either can be a good sign. If they are happy to see you then they probably miss you. If they act all moody, they may be upset because they feel conflicted about the breakup. Either way, try to stay positive.
Sign #12: They Ask You If You're Okay or If You're Dating Anyone
If your ex isn’t putting any effort into moving on from you, the breakup is something that they are questioning. What questions should you be on the lookout for?
Are You Okay?
The first is the “are you okay” question. If they are checking to see if you’re ok after the breakup, they still care. They also want to know how you are dealing with the situation and if you have plans of moving on without them. If they know you’re ok, it may bring on two feelings. For one, they may be relieved if they know you’re ok and/or moving on. Or, it could be that they are worried that you will move on.
Are You Dating Anyone?
If they ask about your dating plans, it is because they fear that you are ready to see others. What this basically means is that they are seriously doubting the breakup. This is the point where you can easily convince them it may have been a bad choice.
But, don’t give away too much in the beginning. If you seem mysterious, that’s a good thing; it will keep you on their mind more. They may want to have the single life but they also want to have you. This is the point where they will choose one or the other.
Bonus Sign #13: You Continue Physical Intimacy With Them on a Regular Basis
Being intimate after a breakup can be a tricky business. It can actually put a dent in the plans you have for winning them back. Even though it may seem innocent, or even the most natural thing in the world, it can be the worst mistake you can make.
Think of it this way; you already have them in contact with you and it is possible you two are even friends. And then, you fall into bed with each other—what could possibly be better? Now the question is, what incentive do they have to get back into the relationship? They are getting sex and all without the drama of a relationship! Why would they take on all that pressure again when they can have their cake and eat it too?
After all this has been said, keep in mind if you slept with them once then you will do it again. But, if you want to look at it on the bright side, maybe it keeps happening because the two of you are so strongly pulled to each other and cannot stay away. This can lead to a full reconciliation. Also, simple flirting or even full blown make-out sessions with your ex can be a good sign. The more interest that is being shown, the better your chances are. Take care not to misinterpret what is happening though. It could just be a one-time thing, and then your heart will be broken even more.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.