BreakupsCompatibilityDatingFriendshipGender and SexualityLovePhysical IntimacyRelationship AdviceRelationship ProblemsRelationshipsSingle LifeSocial Skills & Etiquette

7 Powerful Benefits of the No Contact Rule After a Breakup

Updated on April 19, 2017
Marketing Merit profile image

C L Grant is the author of several relationship books including: 30 Day No Contact Rule, The Reality of Being the Other Woman and Ex Addict

The No Contact Rule can help you to recover from a breakup.
The No Contact Rule can help you to recover from a breakup. | Source

What Is the No Contact Rule?

The No Contact Rule is simplicity itself: it merely means not having any communication with your former romantic partner, for a specified period of time. This includes:

  • No telephone calls
  • No text messages
  • No instant messaging or emails
  • No stalking
  • No contacting your ex's friends or family

This method is particularly useful following a relationship breakup, especially if you were the one who was dumped or betrayed. It can also be used to detach yourself from a narcissistic or abusive partner.

Of course, if you and your ex-partner have children together, then you will inevitably need to discuss issues such as welfare and access. While this type of dialogue is unavoidable, you should do your very best to keep these interactions to a bare minimum.

Nonetheless, if you are prepared to implement no contact, then there are significant benefits to be gained.

Why Use No Contact?

All relationships are not created equal. Thus, it is not uncommon for one person to be more emotionally invested in the partnership, than the other. When relationships end, one partner will typically harbour feelings for their ex and struggle to come to terms with the separation.

When this happens, the distraught party is more likely to want to maintain contact with their former lover. This is borne out by research undertaken by the University of South Florida, which also revealed that the seriousness of a relationship had little impact upon whether a couple wished to stay in touch post-breakup.

One of the main dangers with continuing to see your ex, is that this stops you from moving on with your life. Even when you find a new partner, research confirms that this relationship will feel less rewarding and you are more likely to feel less committed to your new partner. By continuing to see your ex, you are not only exposing yourself to extreme distress, but you are also hindering your emotional recovery and increasing your longing for a reconciliation.

Moreover, a study undertaken by Tara Marshall, also concluded that the best solution for recovering from a split, was to avoid any exposure to an ex-partner, whether that be via face-to-face communication or any form of online interaction.

Fundamental Ground Rules

There are some critics of no contact, who believe it to be nothing more than a manipulative mind game, played by scorned ex-lovers. In part, this is perfectly true. Many people embark upon no contact with false hope and expectations of a reconciliation.

Therefore, it is vital that you familiarise yourself with some basic ground rules. This will help you avoid becoming disenchanted with this strategy and hopefully, achieve many positive benefits.

To clarify, no contact is not:

  • A game
  • About punishment or revenge
  • About getting your former partner back
  • About making your ex jealous

Benefits of Using the No Contact Rule

1. You Can Wallow in Self-Pity

Have you ever watched the opening scene in the film, Bridget Jones' Diary? Still in her pyjamas, smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of wine, a forlorn Bridget is miming to the song,'All By Myself.' She then proceeds to check her answerphone, only for it to tell her, "You have no messages."

Anyone who has ever suffered a breakup, will no doubt be able to empathise with Bridget's character. Well, just like her, you have permission to throw your very own pity-party. Lock yourself away, wallow in self-pity, cry your heart out and totally indulge yourself. It is important that you take the time to get your ex out of your system.

Nevertheless, whilst we all deserve a little self-indulgence from time to time, there reaches a point when you really must get your act together. So, after a few days, you need to put on a brave face and get on with your life. Hence, if you haven't made it out of bed for several days, then make today the day when all that changes.

No matter how you feel: Get up, dress up, show up and never give up.

— Genevieve Rhode

The Grieving Process

The grieving process can be broken down into a number of different stages. However, the following are three of the main phases, that you will experience.

Stage 1: Shock, Denial and Numbness

This is when you will be at your most vulnerable. You will tend to let your heart rule your head and hold on to false hopes of a reconciliation.

Stage 2: Fear, Anger and Depression

After a period of time, you will eventually come to realise that your relationship is over. For several different reasons, this can also be a rather destructive phase. You tend to want revenge on your ex. You may also have a tendency to over-divulge information about your relationship, in an attempt to portray your ex in a bad light. Believe me, you will come to regret this at a later date. Moreover, you may wish harm to befall your ex.

Stage 3: Understanding, Acceptance and Moving On

Eventually, you will progress to the acceptance phase and begin to come to terms with your loss. Whilst you may still feel sad about what has happened, you are more likely to have come to accept, what you cannot change.

2. Gives You Time to Grieve

When a relationship ends, the heartache can be so traumatic, that it often mirrors the grief you experience following the death of a loved one. The raw emotions are particularly similar. In both instances, you have suffered the loss of someone whom you loved dearly although, the circumstances are extremely different: your ex is still very much alive.

Unfortunately, coping with a breakup can be excruciatingly painful and harrowing. Betrayal, humiliation, bitterness, bewilderment, anger, depression, anxiety and panic are all perfectly normal emotions to experience. Even the most rationally minded individuals can be pushed to breaking point.

Grieving takes time and the process cannot be fast-tracked. If you suffered a serious injury in a motor vehicle accident, you could not reasonably expect to be fully recovered within a matter of days. In addition to receiving emergency medical care, you may well be expected to undergo a period of rehabilitation. There may well be emotional trauma to contend with. The same is true for mending a broken heart. Emotional healing can take just as long, if not longer than it does for some physical injuries to repair themselves. You will not feel better overnight and must allow your body time to rest and recuperate.

There are several phases to the grieving process and you need time to allow nature to take its course, and work through these stages in turn.

One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, is to grieve the loss of someone, who is still alive.

— Anon

3. Prevents You From Demeaning Yourself

Rejection and desperation can make you do silly things such as: calling, texting and begging your ex to take you back. You begin obsessively checking your messages to see if he or she has been in touch. When they haven’t, it makes you feel a million times worse. Your mind goes into overdrive and you begin to imagine them out partying, whilst you are confined to your bedroom, heartbroken. Worse still, they may even have moved on with their life and found themselves a new partner. Contemplating these thoughts makes you sink into an even deeper state of despair.

This is why you must give yourself some space. When you are in such an irrational state of mind, you become inclined to do things that ordinarily, would not enter your head. Taking time-out can help prevent you from partaking in foolish activities such as: drunk-dialling or texting, repeatedly driving past their home or place of work and, worse still, stalking them.

In the long-term, maintaining a dignified silence will save you from a considerable amount of embarrassment.

4. Puts Life into Perspective

Following a breakup, it is perfectly natural to be in such mental turmoil, that you do not know which way to turn. Creating space between you and your ex can help improve your mental clarity and enable you to solve your problems more effectively.

Writing down your thoughts in a journal, will also help you to put recent events into perspective. Don't worry about what you write, just get all of your thoughts out of your mind. Transferring your feelings and problems to paper helps free the mental clutter in your head and leaves you with a greater capacity to think clearly.

Without any external influence, you can begin to reassess your life by asking yourself questions such as:

  • Who is the most important person in your life?
  • Who are the people who are always there for you?
  • What irritating habits did your ex have?
  • What did your relationship prevent you from doing with your life?
  • What new opportunities does your breakup give you?
  • What five things are you most thankful for today?
  • What five things are you going to achieve today?

As time goes by, you will develop your own set of questions, that will be specific to your personal set of circumstances. Gradually, you will begin to realise who and what is most important to you. Often, we tend to forget about our family and close friends, whose loyalty and support we tend to take for granted. People suffering from a serious illness may simply be grateful to wake up in the morning. So, start appreciating your life and be truly thankful for all that you have.

Use your newfound freedom to reconnect with old friends.
Use your newfound freedom to reconnect with old friends. | Source

5. Lets You Reconnect with Your Old Life

Let's be perfectly honest: we are all more than capable of getting into a rut with our relationships. We tend to give up hobbies, that we once so enjoyed, in order to spend time with our partner. Friends, that we were once so close to, have long since disappeared off the radar.

Well now, you have time to do whatever you want. Ring up those old friends and reconnect with them. By all means, let them know that you are going through a breakup, but don't solely use them as a shoulder to cry on. Rekindle old friendships and begin doing those hobbies that you once so enjoyed.

6. Allows You to Set Healthy Boundaries

Whilst it is important to set healthy boundaries in all aspects of your life, these often become blurred within relationships, especially when you are feeling vulnerable. When your confidence and self-esteem is low, you are more likely to let your boundaries slip. This is often due to fear of rejection or abandonment. However, it is important to remember that healthy boundaries exist in order to protect you, both on a physical and emotional level.

Boundaries are all about being treated with respect and letting others know what you are, and what you are not, prepared to tolerate. From time-to-time, your ex-partner may test these boundaries. For example, if your ex sends you a drunken text at 2 o'clock in the morning, asking you to pop over to see him, is that treating you with respect? Do you honestly believe that he is desperate to have a deep and meaningful conversation with you? My guess is probably not and you should not let your relief at hearing from him, cloud your judgement.

Use the period of no contact to draw up a list of relationship boundaries. When enforcing these boundaries, be assertive but remain calm. You do not need to apologise or justify your reasoning to anyone.

No Contact gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself.
No Contact gives you the opportunity to reinvent yourself. | Source

7. Gives You Time to Reinvent Yourself

One positive aspect about being single, is that you don't have to please anyone. You can dress how you like and look how you like. So, take some time to start improving your life. I'm not talking drastic steps here, such as cosmetic surgery, although if you find Botox and fillers appealing, then go ahead. It is important to begin taking baby steps. Possibly a new hairstyle, new makeup and a wardrobe overhaul. If you are unsure of how to go about this, then simply book a consultation with a relevant specialist.

Also, take a good look at your home. Clearing clutter can be extremely therapeutic. If your ex has any belongings hanging around, make sure you box them up and put them out of sight. Why not examine your finances? What steps can you take to improve these, so that you can feel more secure with your life and your future.

Finally, there is nothing to stop you embarking upon new activities and hobbies, no matter how outrageous they may seem. I know of a woman in her seventies who, following the death of her husband, took up belly dancing. Try to step outside of your comfort zone a little. Trying something that you think you cannot do, will give you a great sense of achievement. Also, the harder you have to concentrate on achieving this task, the less time you will have to think about your ex.

Whatever happens following your breakup, you need to ensure that time does not stand still for you. Whilst we may all have an element of sympathy for Charles Dickens' character, Miss Havisham, none of us us really wants to be her.

Have You Ever Had Success With The No Contact Rule?

See results

Sources

  1. Field T. Diego M. Pelaez M, et al (2009). Breakup distress in university students. Adolescence, 44: 705–727. [9 April 2016]
  2. Rodriguez, L. M., Øverup, C. S., Wickham, R. E., Knee, C. R., & Amspoker, A. B. (2016). Communication with former romantic partners and current relationship outcomes among college students. Personal Relationships, 23: 409-424. [9 April 2016]
  3. Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, 15(10): 521-526. [9 April 2016]

© 2011 C L Grant

Your Comments Are Most Welcome!

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      meh 5 years ago

      Wow I really like that advice I'm on 5 week w no contact and I am feeling better. Though still I feel things are not exactly right... :0

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 5 years ago from United Kingdom

      I don't think anything can completely take away the pain...that usually diminishes with time. The No Contact Rule is about maintaining your self respect and re-building yourself.

      Sometimes, break-up's are for the best, but this is often something that we don't come to realise until many years later.

      Good luck and keep smiling ;)

    • Nikki Major profile image

      Nikki Major 4 years ago

      Great Article....lots of useful information

    • profile image

      Paul 4 years ago

      I used the no contact once before, after my girlfriend dumped me because she said i expected too much from her. Took only TWO weeks, until she came back begging me to take her back. You know what i did? I stupidly took her back expecting her to change and to treat me better. We dated about 3 more months after that, same stuff cropped up, like i would be the last person she would consult when she made a decision, sometimes she would just do as she pleases even if she knew it would hurt me, like stand me up on Valentine's Day!! So after a lot of me trying to reason with her, and saying you can't act like a single person when you are dating.She broke up with me again. Im going no contact, but you know what im going to say when she comes back this time?Piss off!

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Paul...sorry to hear about your experience with your ex.

      One of the most common misconceptions of the No Contact Rule is that couples live happily every after, if and when, they reconcile.

      Sadly, this is not true. Whatever problems caused the breakup need to be addressed and resolved to the satisfaction of both parties.

      My advice would be to view the No Contact Rule as a survival mechanism. It is all about maintaining your self respect and coping with the breakup as painlessly as possible.

      I note that your ex clicked her fingers after only 2 weeks and you went running. (Sorry to be blunt!) As a minimum, you should enter into No Contact for 30 days.

      On the face of it, your ex doesn't sound ready for a long term relationship. As for you Paul, you deserve much better than being stood up on Valentine's Day.

      Restart the No Contact Rule and this time, stick it out for 60 days...yes, 60!

      Also, please remember my earlier point. You are not going into no contact in order to win your ex back. You are doing it to move forward with your life and come out the other end a better and stronger person.

      Best of luck with this.

    • profile image

      tattuwurn 4 years ago

      Wow, this is an exhaustive and well-researched article. After a break up with my first boyfriend, I was in so much pain that I decided not to contact him (no texts, no calls, no emails; I also removed him from my buddy list). Unlike your suggestion for the first break-up, my rule went on for two years (but then you said we are all different, hehehehe). Of course, since it was from my first relationship, I really had a hard time coping, and felt it was all hell for me -- though I still loved him, I had to move on with my life and kept myself busy. I did get into depression for a while especially the first days and weeks after the breakup, that I neglected my appearance and my health, but I had the willpower to bounce back. Two years later, I befriended someone on a social networking site -- and eventually I found out that it was my ex, only under a different username.

      I was angry at him cos I felt he was stalking me... He said he was just shy in making contact me again in his real identity. He made the decision to contact me because just like myself, he had also been feeling really bad since we parted ways -- but he admitted to me that he didn't know how to start it that it took him two years to gather his courage to contact me. I accepted his apology. I admitted I had forgotten him for long within those two years of my self-recovery, but when I saw him again I realized I suddenly missed him.

      Luckily for ourselves, our love for each other prevailed. We were set to working out differences and repair the wounds from our breakup. Now we're ok, and doing better than before. I guess my own rule worked. :)

    • profile image

      Jo2529 4 years ago

      I followed the steps of this rule, it kindda worked... he called me but he wants to be just friends.I want to be together as a couple...what should I do next?Today we are meeting after 30 days...

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Oh no...he's playing the "friends" card? How predictable!

      Firstly, you can not be friends with an ex when you still have romantic feelings for him. It is natural to clutch at straws and to be willing to accept any little crumbs that he has to offer you. But that is all they will be. Crumbs.

      You also need to question his motives. Normally staying "friends" means that he doesn't want to commit to a relationship with you but wants to keep his options open...just in case nobody better comes along!

      Do you really want to be kept dangling on a piece of string? Potentially relegated to nothing more than a booty call? Believe me, it will stop you moving forward with your life.

      What you should tell him is that regretably, you are unable to have him as a friend, at this moment in time. Tell him you are moving forward with you life, interests and pursuing other relationships.

      Your choice really. How much do you value yourself Jo2529?

    • profile image

      Jo2529 4 years ago

      Thank you so much!!! Unfortunately he didn't call yesterday to tell when and where to meet. Initially he asked me to go at his house but I refused and told him that we can meet but for a walk... he accepted but it will be better later , I said : just tell where and when....he didn't send me no other message...sorry for my bad english.

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      No problem. I understand what you mean Jo2529.

      Your ex is playing games already.

      He asks to see you. You agree. He thinks he can still 'have' you. So, he pushes his luck a little bit further. This time, he asks you to meet at his house. Thankfully, you say no!

      All he wants from you is sex. But on his terms, not yours.

      Please don't contact him. Move on with your life and keep busy, busy, busy!

      Please be strong. You deserve 100% commitment from him. If not then walk away.

      Take care and best of luck!

    • profile image

      butus 4 years ago

      happy to meet people like you on this site

    • Nationette profile image

      Jackie DelMonte 4 years ago from Nashua, NH

      good stuff and i agree about a lot of what you say... with that said, i can't personally reconcile with a life venture or self-discovering journey launching out of a desire to be with someone else. i feel like the desire to be over someone should be out of bettering yourself, not to get them to run back to you. just a personal opinion though

    • profile image

      Anonymous 4 years ago

      My boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch. We've been together for 2 yra and have had a great honest relationship. For the past nearly 2 months we have started to fight a lot but over minor things, to me it's just us getting more comfortable with each other and trying to figure out where we both stand within the relationship. However my boyfriend has just completely given up on us and said its to hard we're always fighting what's the point and has ended the relationship. After 2 days I went back and asked him to think about it, saying we could make it work we just need time and to openly communicate a bit more. He still doesn't see the point but said he would think about it. I've already decided on giving him 9-12 days of space because I know he can be very stubborn once he makes up his mind and generally takes that long to be more open minded. I'm a bit lost and don't know what to really do, do I try to make him realise or do I just give up too?

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Sorry to hear about the problems that you have been having in your relationship. However, the No Contact Rule cannot fix the underlying problems that you have and your boyfriend have. You need to understand what is causing you to fight all the time. Staying in a relationship like that is not healthy and will undermine your self confidence. Some relationships are best left alone.

      Maintaining no contact will provide you and your boyfriend with an opportunity to reflect upon your relationship. Both good and bad.

      You've already realised that you need to give him some space. My concern is that you are only allowing him 9 to 12 days. This is not enough, especially for men. They are generally less emotional than women and the loss of the relationship breakup will not even have scratched the surface by then.

      Give him the 30 days and keep yourself occupied in the meantime. Think of it as going on a boyfriend detox! Also, don't let your health or appearance suffer. If anything, step it up a gear and make more of an effort to take care of yourself.

      Best of luck with this.

    • profile image

      Stronger 4 years ago

      Hello,

      We were together for almost 3 months. He broke up with me exactly 3 weeks ago. The day after, he texted me at night to check if everything was going well with my house moving. Acted weird when I took a while to respond saying that I was out. Two days later again, he texted me to check on my moving again. Since then, no more contacts. It's been ALMOST 3 weeks now with no contact. It's horrible thinking that he moved on or something. What do you think about he texting me twice? Just being nice? He was a good guy. :( No games at all

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      I think that he wants reassurance that his 'Plan B' i.e. YOU, is still available! He has not moved on. He's actually concerned that YOU may have moved on!

      You seem to be handling this really well in terms of no contact. Just carry on what you're doing and don't be too eager to text him back, especially if it's at the weekend or late in the evening. Maintain an air of mystery.

      By responding to his text messages, you've probably satisfied his curiosity, for now at least, and he's content in the knowledge that you're still there for him.

      My suggestion is to keep busy and don't be too anxious to respond to his text messages next time around...and believe me, if you maintain your silence, there will be a next time. You can even ignore a couple of his messages, assuming you have the willpower, next time he gets in touch. You don't have to jump, just because he clicks his fingers! You are far too busy living your own life.

      If he truly wants a reconciliation, then he has to work for it. He initiated the breakup and so, he has to make amends. Just hold back and take things slowly. Give yourself time to decide if your ex is the person you really want to be with or if you're simply experiencing feelings of rejection.

      Best of luck with this!

    • profile image

      Stronger 4 years ago

      Wow. Glad u responded.

      Yeah, when he first txt me a day after the breakup, it took an hour to see it. With no response he text me AGAIN, saying maybe he shouldn't have done. Finally i did respond saying that I "just" saw the message for being in a loud place. He thought I was at a movie and asked that. I took a while again to respond, and he told me to enjoy my date.

      I was NOT on a date. Funny the way he reacted right after dumping me.

      I was reading also about "get ur ex back forever" by Mathew Houston. Have u read his advises?

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      I've read far too many books on breaking up and getting your ex back! I don't recall his name to be honest. However, most of them boil down to maintaining no contact. Don't be sucked in by the sales hype.

      All I can say is, you seem to be doing just fine, on your own, and keep up the good work.

    • profile image

      Stronger 4 years ago

      Yes, I am doing fine after all the reading I have done in the past few days on this subject. They make me stronger.

      Thank u so much for this article !

    • profile image

      Confused 4 years ago

      Hello there :) first of all I just wanted to say thank you for such a great article. It really helped me in a lot of ways. So here is my story..will make it as short as possible. My ex boyfriend and I dated for 5 months. There were minor things in our relationship such as not introduced as his girlfriend in the beginning of the relationship, not being able to meet any of his friends..etc anyway, I don't know why or its just a bad habit I have..I broke up with him more than 10 times after every argument we had through anger even though I don't mean to at all. However this time, he said yeah we should not be together anymore. I can't take it anymore because I'm afraid of the future. I saw You in my future but not anymore. I can't be that person for you anymore. It surprise me to hear this because he always fought to get back with me every time but this time he said he just can't and apologize. (Note: he said all this when he was around his friend) After me crying and pleading for him to try one last time to see if we can make it work he said no. He cares enough to want us to remain in each other lives but we both need our space at the moment. After all the crying and pleading (all done through phone and text) I thought to see if I can see him in person because i thought it would be better then all this done over the phone. I was going to text and see if he can meet up 2 days after the breakup but then I wasn't feeling well and had to go to the ER. I called and asked if he can come with me because I'm scared to go alone. He refused to at first and said he'll call someone else to go with me but then after 10 mins he finally said ok with frustration or something. When he met me up at the hospital, he teared up a bit and asked if I was ok. Afterwards, he put up his guard and started acting a bit distant and cold. He just said he cares about my well being that's why he is here to make sure I'm ok. However he needs to leave in an hour for a game with his friends. When the doctor came out, he suggested I stay to get some more X-ray and blood test to make sure I'm ok to go home. However it will take 3-4 hours and I need to stay there for the results. Out of nowhere he blurted out and said I should and he will stay with me. I told him he can go but he said no don't worry about it. After a little bit alone with him..I noticed he started to soften up and let his guard down a bit. We were allowed to grab a quick bite and come back afterwards. When we stepped out for a moment, he was a bit stressed out I believe because I never saw him smoking 3 times in a row. He was very quiet walking slowly in front of me and sometimes looked back at me for a moment with some sadness across his face. I acted as if I didn't see anything. Then he asked me if I wanted to sit by the park for a bit before we head back to the hospital and I said yes. When we were there we started laughing so hard because we saw this guy dancing to a YouTube video . It then reminded me of these salsa dancing classes we wanted to try out. I told him I bought it several weeks ago and see if he would want to go sometime. He said at the moment we need our space. I said i didn't say like next week but it does expire in a month so would he want to go then..he said yes. Anyway, after we went back to the hospital the doctor said I was ok and was released. Right before we left. The hospital, I said I know this happened and I will leave you alone. If you want to try in the future, ill be here. Then after all the paperwork was done, We both walked out to find our train station. When we were on the train, I stood next to him and hugged him till I reached my stop. Every time my head was moved back a bit he placed his hand behind my head and pushed it up against his chest so I can rest my face there. As soon as my stop came, i said just rememeber what we talked about. i love you and will miss you. we kissed each other on the cheek, teared up a bit and then I left. I didn't contact for a day but before I flew out for work..I thought should I text or not because I said I'll leave him alone for the time being..but the I just went ahead and said..I know you want me to leave you alone for now.. I just wanted to say before my flight is thank you for being there for me at the hospital. I really appreciate your support and care. It means a lot to me. As for now, take care and I can't wait to hearing from you soon. Then he responded right away and said no problem. I'm glad you're ok. :) Have a safe flight and will speak soon. :) after that, I kept my distance..it's been 12 days..I feel a lot better than I did on the first day we broke up. I know since the breakup, he had several days with his friends but then has a couple days to himself this past week for work away from home..do you think this time by himself without anybody around will help as long as I keep my distance for him to think things over? I'm so confused because at first he said he didn't see me in his future but when we were talking before leaving the hospital how I will respect his request for some space..he said he doesn't see me in the future but who really can predict the future. I'm confused and lost..sorry for such a long novel.. Any advice or suggestion will hell me so much during this no contact period. Thank you

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Sorry to hear that you have gone through this Confused.

      Firstly, if he's not prepared to introduce you as his girlfriend, then you should not have behaved like a girlfriend. By that, I mean being intimate. Also, after dating for 5 months, it is perfectly normal to have been introduced to some of his friends. You are not in the wrong here. He is. His actions certainly contributed towards your feelings of insecurity which is why, I suspect, you ended the relationship so many times.

      How you have behaved, after the breakup, is a fairly normal reaction. However, you now have to move on and genuinely respect his space and privacy. That means not contacting him and not tracking his movements. Please don't start the habit of stalking him on social media sites or by speaking to his friends. You are not maintaining no contact if you are looking up his profile everyday!

      I know that being 12 days without him, will have seemed like a lifetime to you. But it's just a drop in the ocean. I know I've said this so many times, but keep yourself busy and do things that make you feel and look better. A long walk with a friend usually lifts my mood. For you, it may be a yoga class and some meditation. Get a new hairstyle, watch your diet and eat plenty of fruit and veg. Dump the alcohol. If you drink, that will make you feel worse. Do some exercise, lose some weight (if you need to) or concentrate on toning up. Experiment with makeup. Also, as strange as it may seem, in this situation, helping others can be extremely rewarding and fulfilling.

      Just remember that all of this is about YOU. You are not doing this pampering and preening in order to get him back. You are rebuilding yourself and improving your confidence and self esteem.

      Keep going with the no contact for at least 30 days. If you keep busy and do it properly, by that I mean no stalking, you'll wake up one morning and discover that you long stopped counting down the days!

      If he does get in touch, during the no contact period, just ignore his messages for now. I should stress that this is not about playing games. You need this time and space also to compose yourself and to begin thinking and behaving in a rational manner.

      Best of luck with this. Keep smiling and do let me know how you get on! ;)

    • profile image

      Confused 4 years ago

      Thank you so much for responding to my message :) I really appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to message me back..

      May I say it is a bit challenging to sort of counting down the days but I have to admit its gotten a lot easier compared to day 1. It makes it easier to not have any social network either because I only keep in touch with my friends that have my personal email so that's one less thing I would be concern about. However, the only reason why I knew his time apart from his friends this week and after the breakup because he sent me his work schedule for this month. I don't contact his friends because we don't have mutual friends nor do I want to know either because it will be a bit of challenge right now for me.

      I am making an effort to keep myself busy though. My friends and I went out last night and that was really fun plus we all agreed on signing up for some dance classes which I'm very excited!

      May I ask one question though...based on your experience with many people in the past and based on my Story..Do you think he would contact me in the future based on what he said on his last message of speaking to me soon...wants to remain in my life..agreed to the dance class? And let's say he doesn't contact after this space we have between him..is it ok to send a simple text? Ugh..I just realized that was more than one question..sorry :/ thank you again and hope to hear from you soon!

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi again Confused.

      Sadly, I don't have a crystal ball but, based on experience, yes, he will contact you. However, whether this is to facilitate a reconciliation or simply out of curiosity, I am unable to answer.

      After 30 days, there's nothing wrong with dropping him a simple text asking how he is doing, providing you feel emotionally strong enough. You need to consider how you will feel if he doesn't reply. If it will upset you, and set back the progress that you have been making, then you're not ready for it. Also, don't send him a text asking him to meet up though. That request should ideally come from him. Just keep it very short and simple.

      By respecting his space, you are not only showing him that you can live without him but you are also giving him an opportunity to miss you. Men are usually a bit slower than women to reach this point, so you need to bear that in mind also!

      Best wishes, as always.

    • profile image

      Confused 4 years ago

      Thank you once again and for sure :) I will keep you updated!

    • profile image

      John 4 years ago

      Hi! Great article.

      My girlfriend left me but we continued to talk and go out for a month. Now the situation become very difficult to me so I decide to close all.

      After a day on friday night, she sent me a message to ask me "if I want to talk on the phone the next day".. no reply from me.

      Then she sent me 2 messages to me on sunday evening.. she said that she miss the sensation of be fundamental on the life of someone.. and then a second message "You were who discovered my best part and my worst part and made me think while others would surrender. Thanks ^^I appreciate you"

      Now on monday no message, today no message.. what should I do?

    • profile image

      Marco 4 years ago

      I also did not answer to last two messages of sunday

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      John/Marco

      You should do absolutely nothing. Try the no contact rule and take a break for a month. That will give both of you some space to work out if you still want to be together. Although it seems the mature thing to do, in reality, it's very difficult to remain friends with your ex partner.

      If you want to get in touch with her at the end of the month, and feel emotionally strong enough to do so, then do. Simply apologise for not getting back to her sooner but explain that you have been extremely busy.

      However, I should stress that whatever problems existed previously in your relationship, will still be there. You will still need to work on these if your relationship is to be successful.

      Best of luck!

    • profile image

      someone575 4 years ago

      I am on day 2 of NC. He broke up with me 3 days ago so I'm proud of myself. I've written him long letters but didn't mail them, text messages, but didn't send them. (This was before I deleted him from my phone). The weekend is coming up and we usually did an activity together on those days & now I'm wondering if he's thinking of me. We broke up because we have different views on things like politics, religion, social issues, things that neither of us will change our views on. We both knew we had differences when we started dating, but I thought he liked that about us. I know I did.

    • profile image

      Stronger 4 years ago

      Hello again. I posted 10 days ago as "stronger". Today it's been 30 days from the breakup and 28 days from his last txt. I guess I reached the peak of missing him yesterday and today. I am dying to txt him.

      I have the feeling he knows exactly what I am doing as far as nc.

      Any tips on how should I txt him, instead a "hi how are u"?

      I would like to be more spontanous with something cool, something that used to make us laugh together in the past, instead so formal. What do u think?

      Thanks

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 4 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hello again Stronger, nice to hear from you again.

      I know it's called the 30 day no contact rule, but have you considered how it will make you feel, if he doesn't respond to your text message?

      Also, what is the true purpose of your proposed text message? Is it because you still want to get back with him? (Please don't think I'm being stupid here, I just want you to be true to yourself!)

      If you're still counting down the days, then I don't think you're ready to contact him.

      Also, don't you think that you deserve more from him? If he truly cares for you, he WILL contact you. If he truly wants you, he WILL contact you!

      You want to be Number 1 in his life. Not an afterthought or Plan B.

      Most reconciliations occur within 12 weeks of a breakup. If HE hasn't contacted YOU in that time, more than likely, he's really not that in to you...sorry!

      My advice?

      Stay strong, stay silent!

      Best wishes as always and keep me posted!

    • profile image

      Stronger 4 years ago

      Thank you again. No, you are not stupid....;) I feel the one stupid here actually!

      Yes, I have considered the rejection and the silence from him, but the mature man he was, I don't see him doing that.

      Yes, I feel like having him back. I miss him. (too bad huh)

      You are right. HE needs to contact me, BUT I get this "stupid feeling" that he is looking at it as an immature behavior from my me, since we never had a fight and he ended good terms.

      Sorry for taking your time with this, but it feels good to let it out, cause it is all so confusing. I do agree with the no contact for a while, but for some reason this thing telling me he sees me as immature behavior for this "mind games."

      I have been reading a lot about the NO CONTACT, and recently I found the point of view from a man blog who doesn't really agree with NC in all situations. There is this part which makes a little sense, and respond to my "stupid feeling" with my particular ex being mature the way I "believe"he was. It says:

      "Thinking that your ex will miss you because you're no longer contacting them is admirable confidence. We all want to believe our ex is pinning over us and spending much of their time thinking of us. That would really be nice!

      But mind games are not appealing to everyone, and your ex may either be turned off or play along to teach you a lesson."

      See, this last sentence is what I couldn't put into words. That is exactly my "stupid feeling" into words. Afraid of turn him off completely for acting like this. WHAT DO YOU THINK LOOKING AT IT THAT WAY?

      Once again, I just wanted to let it out what my fear is.

      I will try to follow your advice thou!;)

      Have a great day!!!

    • profile image

      LaRishaSun 4 years ago

      Dear reader,

      I truly believe one can find peace of mind through "the no contact rule". When decided upon by both parties, it is the ultimate form of respect for you, the other, and the relationship that got broken. It is acknowledging that whatever comes soon after the break-up is not part of your bond, and you do not wish to extend your relationship on grounds other than love. Whatever comes after is most of the times not worth the attention, because it is a manifestation of mixed emotions and thoughts, or the lack of both. Like that, both parties use their right to calm down, to focus merely on themselves by applying their energy wisely in gaining new perspectives on ... well, everything actually, including your own self and the ways in which you and others around you can "relate". It is an empowering feeling as you work towards new ways of independency. It could be a necessary eye-opener, even if you don´t want it to be so. There´s enough time for everything, and there´s no need to rush into things.

      For me, the "no contact rule" is all about learning how to get rid of the addiction to share love in the most intimate and intense way, and to give it all to yourself instead. That´s the tricky part for those, like me myself, who know they can only feel whole when sharing with someone you think deserves to feel the greatness you feel when being around them.

      I instinctively chose not to have any contact whatsoever when the 6.5 years relationship ended in a somewhat open stance (with him getting lost in existential worries, losing grip on reality and falling into a dark zone of negativity, mainly about himself but also consequently about his feelings towards the relationship). I stood by him for a while, offering the patient support I thought he needed, but without any result. I could not make any difference in this personal battle of his. The sudden silence between us, when still together, burned up the oxygen between us, and I chose not to get seduced by this dominant darkness. Because I dare to care too much, I pulled myself away on time. We´re almost 4 months later, and yes, it has been tough.

      We walked into one another on "month 3" and chose silence as a way of saying everything. Words are useless in these circumstances. Instead, you sense and you trust your gut (not the mind, not the heart). Although he wrote me that same night, I felt the time was still not right to reconsider the "us part". Mainly because his writing reflected the fact that, as of yet, his mind and heart are in conflict. He feels strongly for me, but negative thoughts dominate. Like that, the last line says "I will re-disappear from your life, convinced that it is the better way for you to be fine." It all sounds heroic and cowardly at the same time, doesn´t it? I wrote him back using a poem of Pablo Neruda, which also ends with an open stance, and treats silence and distance as new founded ways of love and communication between the two of us. For me it was a way of showing I appreciate his decision for being honest and reaching out, even if only for a moment. Although I have the will and the power to move on without him, I very much sense "the us" in the air. I say this without wanting to sound too high-fly. Fact remains I feel as if we´re not yet done. Although I chose not to wait, and I am living my own life, this opening makes it rather unnatural for me to be doing so. I believe he should reach out once more, but I also at times feel perhaps I should make a step towards him. Some advice is more than welcome…

    • profile image

      Stronger 4 years ago

      OMG...dear friend!

      I know I should not be any happy about this, but TODAY he contacted my friend who introduced us! He never does that. Never!

      My friend will talk to me later tonight of what he said. Briefly, she said he is NOT with anybody right now. He said good things about me, and that he is not ready yet for a commitment.

      Well, I will let you know better once I find out.

      30 days TODAY the last contact from him via txt.

    • profile image

      Liza 3 years ago

      Hello there, my names Liza, Im 20 years old and recently left my boyfriend. We were very happy and very much in love, were both 20 years old however Im slightly morrow mature. He recently went to Germany on a course with his friends and was very selfish whilst he was a way and came back a different person, someone who had very little time for me and just wants to go out. I think personally its just a phase, however shortly after this i found out i was expecting a baby. Since he's known he's fluttered between how much he loves me to saying he can't do this, he's confused not only about the baby but about us. After trying pleading and begging i couldn't take anymore rejection i don't want him to be with me out of sympaathy which he is basically trying to communicate. However before me expecting we were planning to get a house together for the 2nd time. Im hoping this is just fear and a phase. Im currently on day 3 of no contact and have heard from once only to say my dad has tried to get through to me. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • profile image

      Confused 3 years ago

      Hello..I have a few updates and any advice or suggestions is appreciated..

      After hanging out with some friends...I gave in and contacted my ex after 2 weeks of NC... :/

      I texted him a funny video I ran into and thought he might like it. He replied right away and laughed and said he seen that before then he asked...how are you? :) we then texted back and forth a bit...then built up some courage and said if he's not busy we should catch up for coffee. He said sounds good. :) Will let you know when I'm free. Talk to you soon. :)

      Then when I texted him a few days later..he texted me back..

      Sorry i just heard my phone ring. I have to be honest, I'm not sure im ready to meet up for coffee yet. I still feel strange thinking of you as a friend, I hope you understand. Don't worry I'm sure I will come around. I just need more time. I hope that's not selfish of me. I was thinking about it last night and wasn't sure how I was feeling. :) I'm sorry if this is disappointing. :( I'm being a big sensitive woossy lol

      I replied and said no worries! He then said lol thanks for understanding :)

      Then after rereading his text again..made me wonder what he really meant behind this message..

      I just need more time. I hope that's not selfish of me. I was thinking about it last night and wasn't sure how I was feeling. :) I'm sorry if this is disappointing. :( so I texted him AGAIN after a couple hours..

      he replied and said just meant I wasn't ready to meet up yet. Lol. I just need more time :)

      I didn't respond back to his text. Then 5 days later to my surprise, he texted and said

      Hey there, just want to say I hope everything goes well these next couple days if you still have to go to court. :) hope you're well :)

      I texted him 2 days later - thanks :)

      Now he kept quiet again..should I remain silent until he reaches out again? I feel like I reached out and he rejected my offer. I'm so lost right now because I'm not sure what he is thinking...

    • profile image

      Stronger 3 years ago

      Dear friend, updates... (no contact between us yet. Missing him, but hanging in there ;))

      HE contacted my friend (which is not usual), the girl who introduced us to each other. He was asking about ME:

      - he wanted to know if I was going to be at the event last weekend, which is about 30 miles away. He usually does not go to these events, but he did when we were together, cause it was part of what I was doing. Competition stuff.

      - he asked her if I am competing any time again;

      - he said he feels bad for what happened. He wish I would not be said;

      - He asked about my new house, if she has seen it yet. (he broke up a day before my moving)

      - He wanted to go to that event last weekend, but did not want to make me feel uncomfortable. He didn't want or was afraid of ME to break down;

      Looks like he is thinking I will put up a show asking to come back. I believe he is afraid to contact me. Afraid of drama. (I will never do that)

      And the bad or good part is that he mentioned: "I wish we could be at least friend so he could be around." That just killed my expectations for having him back as boyfriend. The "friend" word.

      BTW, I did NOT see him at the event, but he mentioned to my friend at the phone that he was not sure if he would go, BUT he would go to another one in a few days closer to our location. (so it means he has been CHECKING THE CALENDAR for these events, where he knows I will probably be).

      Well, hope to hear your thoughts.

      Thanks,

    • profile image

      jennismit 3 years ago

      Hi, my ex broke up with me 1 week ago. I contacted my ex the day after we broke up and begged him to take me back, but he said no. I know I should not have done that. So I started with the no contact rule. The 1st day of NC, I did not contact him, however he contacted me! And we did talk. Not anything serious though. The 2nd time, day 5, it had been 26 hrs since we talked, and he contacted me wanting to talk, again with nothing serious. But he did say that he still loved me, and wanted to hear from me, and that he wants to be friends and hang out. I am still using the no contact rule towards him, because I do not want to appear desperate. But what does it mean when the ex keeps contacting you? We have been talking, and I finally asked him if he thought we could ever have another chance. he told me yes, but only if it felt right... I am really confused. Your advice is greatly appreciated Thanks!

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Jennismit, sorry to hear about your breakup.

      The truth of the matter is that people treat us how we allow them to treat us. You really need to establish some boundaries. Your ex is simply keeping his options open. Don't you deserve more than just being 'friends?' I know this will hurt, but he probably wants to 'hang out' because he hasn't replaced you yet. Do you really think he's going to want to do that when he has a new girlfriend? Remember, you want to be the leading lady in his life, not the understudy!

      Try to step back from it all and don't have any contact with him. It's not about punishing him, it's about giving you both the space to evaluate your relationship and establish what it is you really want. As you seem to be on talking terms, you can even let him know what you're doing, if you want. The No Contact Rule is not intended to be divisive. Just explain that you're feeling a little confused about your feelings for him and would like to have some time to yourself, to think things through.

      Use the 30 days wisely and keep busy. Make sure you take good care of yourself and throw in some beauty treatments. Spend time with your friends and do things that will make you laugh...laughter is an amazing cure for a broken heart!

      Take care and let me know how you get on.

    • profile image

      dam I'm hurt 3 years ago

      I'm 28 and I dated my girl for 5 years. I love her to death but I took her forgranted. She has a problem with me doing bad things and not being there for her cause I live 6 hours away and she juss graduted from school n now working. I feel that even tho I do bad things just to make a living (hustle) I am not a bad person. And when she met me I was doing it to put her thru school. Now that she found her career she wants to be a different person. Which led to her mom not accepting me. Which led me to talk shit.bOut her mom. I made a mistake from wat I said and crossed the line. She was mad at me for 3 weeks den she gave me an altimatum. Either we break up or u move here with me. I said I can't juss move there and have no sour e of income. So it was like wateva. Then we agreed to see each other and I bout her a plane ticket o c me. The day bfore her flight we got into an argument regarding her moms disaaproval of me. I said ur moms a golddigger and such such . She was pissed said she wants to date other people n don't c her marrying me. I'm hurt ryte now and don't kno wat to do. But I kno one thing I want her back but how and wen. Please help me. And juss bcuz a person do bad things does it mean he's a bad person?

    • profile image

      dam I'm hurt 3 years ago

      O ye I forgot. Her bday is n 5 weeks. Should I wait till den to contact her. While I work on myself to b a better person?

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      @ Dam I'm Hurt,

      I think you already have the answer to be honest. You have 5 weeks to sort yourself out, if you want her back. I tend to agree with your girlfriend that you can't maintain a relationship indefinitely, when you are 6 hours apart. Lasting 5 years is incredible to be honest but the time has come for one of you to make the sacrifice.

      Even if you are not a bad person, you are doing bad things and your girlfriend feels uncomfortable and possibly embarrassed by this. Sometimes, people do bad things out of sheer desperation. However, for you, it is a way of life and all seems perfectly normal. I can only guess at what you do but ultimately, you could end up getting hurt or even sent to prison.

      Well, the time has come to make some changes! You need to decide how important your girlfriend is to you. Are you prepared to re-locate? Are you prepared to find a steady job? Also, how important are YOU to you?! Is this really what you want with you life? Is this all that you think you are worth? Don't you deserve better?

      Realistically, these changes are not going to happen in 5 weeks. You need to think about what it is you would like to do and how you can achieve that. Break it down into baby steps. Hustling may be working for you at the moment, but it is not a long term career option. Your girlfriend is looking ahead and probably thinking about creating a stable family environment. She can't envisage that with you 6 hours away and with no steady job.

      Give your girlfriend some space and don't hassle her for the next 5 weeks. It sounds as if her mother is constantly on her case about you and she is stuck in the middle. So, let her breathe.

      Meanwhile, start making plans. What job opportunities are there. What training is available and what are the future prospects. Alternatively, if you want to remain where you are and continue hustling then that is your choice. However, your girlfriend is setting boundaries of her own (quite correctly in my opinion) and is letting you know what it is she expects.

      Finally, never ever criticize her mother, even if you think she is in the wrong...rookie mistake!

      Best of luck and let me know how you get on.

    • profile image

      dam I'm hurt 3 years ago

      Thank u for replying. U r the professional I'm new to this stuff. But ryte I feel like pissed and wanting to go c her n give her beat down. Dats how I feel. Not gonna do it. The week bfore the breakup I asked her n a text do u love me. She texted yes and I care. On the day of the breakup I asked he r again. This tyme she said no. Then the next day sje goes on facebook and n a pic with her girlfrind. Says single ladies. After 1 day. I don't have facebook so I got to hear from my friend which was embarrasing. I'm pisssed. Is she serious? How can u love 1 week and the next be a cold hearted bitch like that. Give me your opinion on wat she is tryn to do. I kno that sjes educated and all. But she treatn me like I'm a nobody

    • profile image

      woundedwarrior33 3 years ago

      Sorry, this is a long one but a lot of important details…

      My girlfriend and I were together originally for 15 months. We knew each other for years and were good friends before we decided to start dating. We were even talking marriage and our future. We broke up for two months because we needed to hash out some issues and I guess we kind of did, but it was hard because during those two months we still always saw each other and hung out (my girl roommate is a good friend of hers and therefore was always around). When we got back together, I had the mentality that I was going to do all I could to make sure she was always happy and never wanted to leave me. So, a month into being back together we found out her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (this was Jan. 2013). She is an only child with a single mother who dad left her when she was really young. I was there for her support emotionally and mentally, even went to all her mother’s pre-appointment meetings with doctors and did everything I could. I stayed around the weekend of the surgery. I even, went as far as to clean my ex’s room, shovel snow when it came, and any other chores they had me do. I did everything for her during these months.

      She told me she felt like this was God’s way of telling her that “we were meant to be together”, and I felt the same way. We even went looking for rings, discussing a marriage budget and looking at potential houses to buy. After, the surgery her mom went through about 16 weeks of chemo treatments. My ex also worked full time at a daycare and took some online graduate classes. During these 16 weeks, I was there for her and offered support in everything, did everything with her and her family and even made sure she could have a good time. Through this time period, there were times were she would get really drunk and yell at me for literally no reason and say very mean things, and I would sweep it under the rug until the next morning. Even smacked me in the face when I decided to finally stand up for myself and tell her she was being ridiculous. I know she was taking out her anger with her mom on me. The sex also withdrew because I know how stressed she was and I wanted it to be on her terms rather than mine. But she was never in the mood and tired (understandably) and only wanted to when she could, so therefore I felt a lot of pressure and never was really good (at one point it was AMAZING). Anyway, I looked for an escape in sports gambling and therefore paid a lot of attention to my phone then her. She brought this up and I made conscious efforts to change and not be on it when she was around. Otherwise, I was always around and helpful for her.

      So, come June 1 at our two year anniversary of all days, she decided it wasn’t working out anymore and broke up with me. Mind you, this was about a week before her mom’s last chemo treatment, so I couldn’t even see her get better! She said she didn’t having feelings for me anymore and didn’t think we were compatible. I was in shock. After all I did for her, she was going to dump me like this? I ended up buying an engagement and even told her I was going to propose to her. She broke down crying…so for the next month she kept initiating texting me off and on seeing how I was and just wishing me a “good day” and finally about a month after the break up we met up for some drinks and I told her how I was feeling i.e. “emotionally abused and used for the last 5 months during everything that was going on” and she said she was “the happiest she has been since an adult” and wanted to “continue to find her happiness on her own” since she has been in and out of relationships for years. She and her friends know that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and treated her better than anyone EVER will (she has a lot of baggage and was very promiscuous before we were together, which I knew and accepted her and forgot her past). After a little fighting during the convo, I accepted the decision and hoped one day we would be together in the end. So, after this encounter I have decided to go NC and it has been about 3 weeks. I am still deeply in love with her in spite of everything. I understand the break up was needed as we both lost each of our identities and needed to take care of our selves and figure out our happiness. I became insecure, dependent (obviously due to how close we were with her mom) and lost some self confidence as I always felt I was walking on eggshells when I was around her. I have been working on myself and my confidence is higher than it has ever been. But I still absolutely unconditionally love her.

      Does this sound like a relationship worth fighting for and do you think she will eventually realize what she is missing and come back to me?

      I was so loyal and loving to her at her worst and during the hardest time in her life and don’t get why she would give up that easily on us

    • profile image

      jnick91776 3 years ago

      ex is going to las vegas with his family next weekend. I want to break the 30 day rule to say “win the big bucks” which I did every time he went there. It will only be day ten,,,,is this ok?

      thanks

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      No, because you will be sending out the message that everything is normal. The NC clock will be set to zero and you will have to begin all over again.

      The No Contact Rule is not about doing what you've always done. If you do that, expect to be treated as you always have been.

      Best wishes.

    • profile image

      jnick91776 3 years ago

      thank you. I'm conflicted on this because I've read that people use the no contact because they believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you are still together or are a couple that is fond of each other it makes sense that a little distance from each other will make the heart grow fonder. They say the key word is fond...like in warm, caring, etc.

      When you are broken up, absence doesn't necessarily translate into fondness because many if not most break ups happen because one person or both, is no longer fond of the other or hasn't been fond for a long time. Absence only makes the heart that is already fond grow fonder. If there is no fondness in the heart no amount of it will make the heart fonder. Because occasionally there's a chance that no contact will make your ex miss you. But missing you is not the same as becoming fonder, especially if they are dating someone else. That's why I'm so confused, I see the point from both sides.......... :(

    • profile image

      Sandy 3 years ago

      Trust the No Contact Rule, it really works. The longer you manage to maintain it, the better!

    • profile image

      Heart Broken 3 years ago

      Hi

      I read your article, and it has really helped me a lot! I was together with my ex for 5 short months, but I felt like we got really close, and I fell really hard for her.

      She broke up with me 1½ week ago on the phone, but she started to push me away even before that. Already at the end of december I could feel something had changed. She told me it was because I had stronger feelings for her, than she had for me... She didn't think that her feelings would change the same way mine did, and therefore couldn't see a future together. I think I might have come on to her too strongly and shown too much affection, which could have scared her... She was crying while talking to me on the phone, and I almost broke down as well.

      So after we broke up, I went into NC to try and clear my mind. I have thought a lot about it and I still want her back. I think I can suppress my feelings towards her and slowly show more affection at the same rate she opens up for me. If given a second chance...

      A little extra info before I get to the problem. She texted me this saturday to ask, if I was at the asian new years party, where she was performing a dance. I did not answer as I was at a birthday party and didn't have my phone on me. I didn't want to write her the day after and explain either because that would go against my wishes for the NC rule (I haven't told her about it...)

      Anyway, the problem I am now facing is that, the night we broke up, she texted me saying that she would like to see me to talk things through sometime in the future. That sometime in the future happened yesterday. She texted me asking about my schedule, so it would be possible to find a day where we could meet up. I answered her shortly and politely...

      Was this a mistake? Should I have kept the NC rule even then? Or did I do the right thing, since we did agree to meet sometime. How should text with her to find a date? Just keep it politely? Act a little cold?

      Another question would then be. How should I act when meeting with her. Should I avoid talking about the break up, even when the subject of our meeting is the break up? Should I stick to all the ground "rules" about meeting the ex?

      Extra info. I am the first guy she ever kissed or dated, which was also one of the reason my affection for her was so high. It made me feel special, but I forgot, that she does not have any experience...

      Thank you for taking the time and reading this. If there are any question about the situation ask away.

      Brgds.

      The heart broken

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      You only did NC for a week or so. That really isn't long enough and is partly why you are uncertain how you should act.

      Being apart gives you time to reflect, gather your thoughts and get your feelings under control.

      Your ex is clearly having second thoughts. However, if you go running to her, whenever she wants, then it is highly unlikely that she will respect you, or your relationship.

      She ended the relationship, so she needs to make the effort to repair the damage that she caused.

      My advice would be to keep busy and not to contact her again, at least for another 2 weeks or so. If she contacts you after that time then you can arrange to meet her for a coffee. Keep the meeting short, say 30 minutes, and just behave casually.

      Your ex has to realise that she cannot just walk in and out of your life. You have feelings and she needs to respect them.

      Good luck and take care.

    • profile image

      katie 3 years ago

      I haven't been with my boyfriend for over 6 months, but for 4 months after the break up we still met up, we just weren't officially together, a few months ago we decided it was a bad idea to keep meeting up as my heart was getting even more broken! I find it hard to stop texting him but recently I have made myself more distant and not text him first.

      He text me a few nights ago, but he had been drinking.

      I don't think he even has any feeling for me anymore, he just texts me when he's bored and there's no one else to talk to.

      I feel that I shouldn't reply but I find it really difficult.

      I really want him back, it's been so hard without him but I'm not sure if it's been too long to use the no cantact rule now? And if he texts me when he's drunk shall I reply??

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Katie.

      It's never too late to start the no contact rule. You openly acknowledge that your ex only contacts you when he is bored or has been drinking. Don't you think that you deserve to be treated far better than just a 'booty' call?

      Even if you aren't in the throes of no contact, it is never a good idea to answer a meaningless text or one that arrives late at night.

      No contact isn't easy. It is simply a way to get over your ex with your dignity in tact.

      Start the no contact rule from today. It may be a good idea to change his contact name, on your phone, to 'lying ****'' or 'cheating *****' or something else which sums up his bad behaviour. That way, you will always be reminded of what he is, when he texts. Depending upon your phone, you may even be able to assign a 'silent' tone to his calls and messages so that they do not disturb you whilst you are moving on and enjoying your life.

      Remember, never look back because you are not traveling that way!

      Best of luck with this, and stay strong.

    • profile image

      dayita 3 years ago

      HEllo! I wanted to tell you that I really liked your article as you stayed always hopeful and positive but still honest. So my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up about 34 days ago. Well I had asked him where the relationship was going and even though he has talked about kids in the past he seemed that it was something he didn't want to do just yet. I'm not from this country and I only have so much time here on a student visa. Long story short we had a very good relationship and I honestly know he loves me but the fact that he can't make a decision drove me up a wall and I gave him time to think and still didn't know. After the holidays I told him that I needed to know where we were headed. He said that it wasn't fair that I had to keep waiting so he had to let me go. I said fine and gave him his keys and took my keys back from apartment and left him in tears while I didn't even look back. I was very hurt but couldn't let him see me cry. I told him not to ever contact me again and that I could never be friends with him. His mom has contacted me and his parents and family adore me and even though she has told me that he is hurting I just find it hard to believe since he hasn't reached out to me. On the 30 th day I contacted him via text because there was a horrible storm and since he works outside I was genuinely concern so he told me that he had been thinking about me non stop and that if I needed anything he could bring it to my place after work. Then I told him that I didn't do the friend thing and to take care. He just said it was good to hear from me and to also take care. This is killing me inside but he is the one with doubts and sometimes I feel like too much time has gone by and he is not ever going to contact me. I'm keeping busy working out and meditating. There are good days and bad days. I'm also not dating other people, I just can't see myself with anyone else :(. What's your opinion? Do you think he is going to contact me?

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      I honestly don't know if he will contact you Dayita.

      Saying that he was 'letting you go' is something of a cliché. Similar to saying, 'it's not you, it's me.' A coward's way of ending a relationship.

      Inside, you know that by not reaching out to you, something is wrong. If he truly wanted you, he would be beating on your door and doing everything possible to win you back...but he's not. Sorry, I know that hurts, but reading your message, I think you are intelligent enough to realise that too.

      Sometimes people do love each other, but want different things out of life. Sometimes people may want the same things out of life, but not at the same time. In short, you may both be reading the same book, but you are certainly not on the same page.

      Please don't rush to date someone else, especially when you feel like this. Keep working on building your inner strength and concentrate on your studies/work. You may not like this, but it is advisable to distance yourself from his family and friends, however close you were to them. Each time you hear from them, you are simply re-opening wounds that have started to heal. Returning home when your visa expires may also give you a fresh start, if that's what you want.

      Take a deep breath, accept that the relationship is over, and that your ex is unable, or unwilling, to commit to a future with you. Don't accept second best. There are plenty of men out there who will fulfill your dreams. My very best wishes to you.

    • profile image

      Heart Broken 3 years ago

      Hi

      I posted something 2 weeks ago, and you told me back then, that I should keep No Contact for another 2 weeks (it was because I broke No Contact after only 1 week when she contacted me back then).

      Those 2 weeks are now up, and she haven't tried to contact me since. Should I wait a little longer and see if she contacts me again? Or should I initiate contact with her my self? I know that she is very busy this month (we are in the same dance group, so I kind of know her schedule).

      Personally I don't feel ready to face her yet... I don't feel that she misses me in any way. I feel that she moved on so quickly and doesn't have time to miss me with her busy everyday life, and it hurts... It hurts just as much now, as it did 2 weeks ago.

      Hope you can give me some advice again.

      Once again thanks in advance.

      Brgds.

      The Heart Broken

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Heart Broken...sorry to hear you're still hurting.

      The reason it is suggested that you maintain no contact for 30 days, is because that is how long it typically takes to break a habit.

      When you break the cycle, the 'cravings' return with a vengeance, and can often feel much worse than when you first started NC.

      Due to all the hype on the web about NC, many begin it with the sole intention of winning their ex back. While that is a perfectly normally reaction, it is not a healthy way to view or start NC.

      You have actually stated the solution to your heartache in your post! You've said that your ex 'doesn't have time to miss' you with her 'busy everyday life.' This is what you should be emulating. If you have too much time to brood then it is normal to keep thinking of your ex. You shouldn't be sitting at home, clock-watching, waiting for your ex to call.

      Get your diary out and fill it up! Arrange to meet friends, start new hobbies, go to the gym, stay on late at work, start that D.I.Y. project that you have been putting off, get your hair cut, etc etc. You need to concentrate on what's next, rather than what has gone.

      Hope this helps, but you have to take control of your life. NC is not about your ex, it is all about you!

      Take care.

    • profile image

      featherhead 3 years ago

      Hey!

      I found your article very insightful and helpful! Hopefully, I'll take your sound advice on board, but at the moment, getting out of the bed seems like a mammoth task!

      Myself and my boyfriend had our first break up about a month ago as he really let me down. I suggested we call it quits in the hope that he would fight for us and prove to me that his actions could speak louder than his words. However, he agreed and said he needed to be on his own indefinitely. I was devastated and pushed him for a reason and he said he didn't love me anymore. Yet, the next day, he messaged me and said he'd made a huge mistake and that he did love me and I was his best friend. I was delighted to hear this, but also so upset that he could lie about something so important. We struggled through for a couple of weeks, until I realised that things hadn't really changed. The same problem was there; he still wasn't making enough of an effort.

      So thinking I was making the right decision, I broke up with him again, citing reasons such as nothing had really changed and that I loved him too much for him to resent me for always nagging him to do better and for me to resent him for not making enough of an effort.

      However, a couple of days later, I texted him, telling him I loved him and missed him so much it hurt and I was willing to fight for what we had, give him the time he needed to work through his anxiety issues and show me he loved me. But he said he needed to be his own and that it wasn't right that I was willing to get back with him, when he hadn't shown me that he deserved it. So I said I respected that and I'd leave him be.

      A few days later, I got in touch and asked could he pop out of work for a few mins for a chat. I just wanted to see him to give him a hug and wish him well as everything to do with the breakup had been done over the phone up to this point. If I'm to be completely honest, I was hoping once again that he'd fight for me/us, but he didn't. He didn't say much at all.

      Nearly a week later, I got in touch again and asked could we meet up to talk as I felt I couldn't move on/start the no contact rule till we thrashed things out. He agreed. However, it was awful. He was incredibly cold and hurtful towards me. So out of character for him! When I said I'd never had a bond with anyone like I had with him, he told me he'd a similar bond with a n ex that he'd never mentioned before till then. When I asked him, did he miss me, he told me he didn't. When I told him I loved him, he looked me in the eye and said he didn't. I was crushed and in order to make sense of what was happening, I lost control and got crazy!

      I insisted on leaving with him, even though he didn't want me too! Before he left, he said he needed to go to the toilet so I followed him there and went to the toilet myself. We both came out together and understandably, he was getting freaked out. I was about to leave with him, when I realised I'd left my hat where we'd been seating. When I went to get it, I realised I was being CRAZY and to that I need to respect his wishes ans leave him be.

      I am so mortified and ashamed that I behaved with such little dignity! I cringe every time I think about it. And feel I may have ruined our chance of ever getting back together! Do you think I have? The fact that he never initiated contact after the break up should have made it clear to me that he was done! It kills me that he seems to have got over me so quickly and is so much better than I at the NC rule! However, I feel that by behaving so desperately, I have been able to better understand that for now it is over and I don't have the same urge to contact him as I did before. I haven't contacted him in over a week (seems so much longer!) But it's hard, so hard.

    • trying2bestrong profile image

      trying2bestrong 3 years ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

      3 years I was with my ex and best friend. We called it quits 1 year ago. He had a hard time with my teenage son. For good reason. My son dropped out of school and had legal problems. He strained our relationship. We continued to see each other and talk regularly. My new found freedom got the best of me and before I knew it I was in a new relationship with a much younger man then myself. My ex found out and went off the deep end. I felt horrible. We still continued to talk and go to lunch on Fridays. I would lie and say I wasn't in a serious relationship. I truly didn't even want to be in one! My new boyfriend is very sweet to my and my family. Then things took a turn for the worse. New boyfriend kept catching me talking to my ex and now the trust is gone. I've tried to breakup with him and even going into violent rages to get him to leave. He won't.

      Not wanting to lose contact with my ex we continue to talk and laugh as usual but don't see each other. I recently found out he has a new girlfriend. I text him and said, good for you. I hope you are happy. He calls me crying to the point he can't breath and tells me he misses me. I asked where his girlfriend was? He said, right here, want talk to her? She is fine with it. I was shocked and hung up. I called him the next day and he was fine. I told him we can't talk anymore, I think its best to move on. He asked me to please not shut him out. He wants me in his life. I said it is hard for me to see him with another girl. We didn't speak for a week and then I started freaking out cause I wanted him back.

      I ran into them at a local bar (him with hid new lady) my friends made me stay and pretend I was fine with it. It was awful. My ex paid no attention yo his lady and played pool right in front of me instead of with his woman. She was mad! I left and we didn't speak again for anothet week. I text him and said, it was good to say goodbye to you in person. He responded and said, yea I suppose it was good. I panicked and asked him to tell me that we have no chance of getting back together. It was hard for him to say it but he did. Another week goes by and nothing from him. I got drunk last week and called him crying and he listen to me and was crying too. I said I miss you and I know we will never get bsck together (among other things) he said, lets just take it one day at a time. He said he would call me the next day to check on me cause he was worried. Snd of course we would tslk again soon "silly head" He never did. It will be one week tomorrow that we spoke.

    • trying2bestrong profile image

      trying2bestrong 3 years ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

      I moved out of my ex boyfriends house of 3 years a year ago the end of March last year. We decided to call it quits after numerous arguments about MY teenage son's attitude. He had dropped out of school and was in legal trouble. It put a lot strain on our relationship.

      We continues to see each other and even be intimate at time. Until I started to take more advantage of my freedom and started ditching him. All of a sudden I found my self in a relationship with a younger man that I really didn't even want. I was till in love with Mike and couldn't seem to fully commit to this new man. Although he is really nice I just don't love him like he loves me. My ex and I continues to speak and go to lunch on occasion. We spoke on the phone and laughed, caught up on our lives and spoke of the good times. At this point I knew I needed to breakup with my new boyfriend. BUT he isn't going without a fight. I would lie to my ex and say I wasn't in a relationship but he differently of course. I just hated hurting his feelings. My ex would call me crying all the time and even when we met for lunch it was always a tearful goodbye for both of us. He spoke less and less, but I would always hear from him once per week. A text that said hello hope your day is good and I miss you. I MISSED HIM TOO! I hated the situation I was in.

      I wanted to be single and try and work things out with my ex! Recently I discovered he was dating someone new. He told everyone he could, even my Nephew that he has a new girlfriend but still loves me. I text him and I said, good for you , I hope you are happy. He then called me bawling so hard he couldn't breath and said I miss you so much! I asked, Where is your girlfriend? He said, She is right here, want to talk to her? I was floored! WTF?! I called him the next day and he said his new girlfriend is fine with us talking. I said we need to call it quits on out friendship. He asked me to please not shut him out, he wants to be in my life. We didn't speak for a week.

      I ran into him and his new girlfriend out at the bar. My friends convinced me to stay and pretend to fine with that fact he was there with his lady. He ended up NOT paying any attention to her and was in front of me the WHOLE night. His lady was PISSED. I was so uncomfortable that I finally left. NO word from him for another week. I sent him a text. I said it was nice to see you and be able to say goodbye in person. His response was, yea I suppose it was good. Then I panicked! I said I miss you and I will never get over you! I know totally pathetic. The tables are turned now. He use to call me crying and now im doing it to him! SO after that we didn't speak for another week. I called him drunk and BAWLING, and he started crying also. I said I know we can't get back together again and he responded saying, lets just take it one day at a time. He was so worried about me that he said I will call and check on you tomorrow. His last text after we hung up said, we will talk soon Silly head, You are an amazing woman. He never called or text me the next day or since. It will be a week tomorrow since we have spoke. We have never gone more then a week before he would text me. I know I can't be the reason if him and his lady breakup. I want them to play it out, in the mean time IM so depressed and literally sick. He has control right now, I lost it when I begged him back. The rejection is HORRIBLE! I miss him and I know he cares about me. Do you think this NC will work for me?

    • trying2bestrong profile image

      trying2bestrong 3 years ago from Idaho Falls, Idaho

      I double posted. sorry

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Trying2bestrong.

      In all honesty, it sounds as if neither you nor your ex know what you really want and both appear afraid to cut the apron strings for good.

      You both need time and space, to clear your heads, in order to work out what it is you both really want and no contact is ideal for this.

      Just because you love and care for someone, does not mean that you can or should be with them. Some relationships are not healthy and can be toxic at times. They can also stop you from moving on with your life.

      From what you've written, it sounds as if you don't actually want your ex, but you don't want anyone else to have him either. I also think the same thing applies to your ex, as far as you are concerned.

      So far, your ex has always come running whenever you've clicked your fingers. This time he hasn't and it's your turn to feel the hurt that rejection brings. However, relationships are not about power and control. That is unhealthy.

      In your case, I'm not sure that 30 days of no contact would be sufficient, and you may need to extend this to 90 days or more. You both need to break the habit of using each other as a fall-back and take the time to work out, once and for all, what it is you both really want.

      Hope this helps and take care!

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Featherhead.

      As you say, you have been acting crazy, which is perfectly normal and is often referred to as breakup distress. The effects of a breakup tend to be a lot slower to impact on men than on women. In 30 days, you may well be feeling a whole lot stronger than your ex.

      You can't turn the clock back, so just 'own' what you did and move on. He hasn't been knocking on your door trying to woo you back and you deserve much better than that.

      No contact is hard, but it is about building inner strength and valuing ourselves.

      Take care and good luck with this!

    • profile image

      u8908 3 years ago

      Hi,

      Thank you so much for your article. It is very helpful to clear my head of negative thoughts since I have started a NC period with my ex for a week. We broke up last October because there were lots of fights and we weren't on the same pace. He had lots of intense feelings for me which was why all of the fights between us hurt him very badly. At first he asked me for a space which I gave him a few days. Then we were back together for a day and we decided to call it off since he was still hurt and he said it prevented him from investing in me wholeheartedly. After that we were friends but the emotions has always been there, very deep and strong. We cared about each other deeply and were very sensitive and concerned about each other well-being. Hence why I was certain that we would be together again when he is ready/back on tracks.

      But around a month after when we discussed our feelings due to me feeling sad and depressed that we were still not together, he said that he wanted us to be friends and he was still in the process of self-transformation and not ready to be in relationship. At first I felt rejected and hurt so I went NC for a week and completely ignored him when we had to met in common social circle. But I was aware of how bad it made he felt so I decided to talk to him again. And we were back to being close (but not in a relationship). From then we were always by each other side, very closely connected.

      However recently I had a gut instinct that he wasn't telling me everything. So a week ago, I finally determined to get an answer from him. And he admitted to have gone on to a few "not so good" dates and he kept saying they weren't anything serious, and if they were he would have told me. I couldn't bare it any more so I told him that he made these decisions of going on dates and not telling me based only on himself and didn't even take into accounts of how I feel, while I fully deserve to know what is going on. I didn't choose to date any one else because I thought we were emotionally-committed to each other at least (it really felt like it was, but it could just be me), and i wasn't ready to see anyone else because I wanted to love him. I was largely disappointed. So I told him that I wished the best for him and being friends is not working for me. He kept saying sorry and said he felt like he was losing me now and he didn't know how to deal with it. To which I replied "it is actually a relief", which is honest because I was emotionally exhausted by the whole thing. He didn't response. And we haven't said a word to each other than. I did see him once since we have classes together, but i was a few minute late that day and so i just walked in locked eyes with him once and completely ignored him for the rest of time. I will still have to see him twice a week and I don't really know how to act. Do you have any suggestion?

      I want him back, but in relationship. Also I don't know if ages matter but I'm a mature 22 but with few relationship experiences. He is 28 with lots of relationship experiences but lots of which didn't work out. I'm a very first person he has a very intense emotional connection to just as or even more than with his serious ex of 5 years ago

      Looking forward to hearing from you!

    • profile image

      u8908 3 years ago

      I forgot to add that our relationship was officially 10 months but the whole things dragged till now which is 1 year and 2 months. based on the way he looked at me and cared for me I know he still loves me but I don't know how to push him toward pursuing it.

      In our last conversation, I told him that I had so much more hopes for our relationship than this (our current situation) and i thought it could have been way better than they way it is now. I don't know if it counted as an disadvantage now being in NC with him.

      Thank you so much again for the article!

    • profile image

      Impatient3 3 years ago

      Hey there,

      Great article! I've been following everything you have suggested. I was with someone for about 5 months. Everything was great when we were together, we got along so well, had a lot of fun together, and never fought. Ever. He was so sweet to me, as I was to him. In the beginning he would say stuff like I'm one of the nicest girls he's ever met, never met a girl that can cook, etc. Etc. As time went on, he stopped saying stuff like that. Anyway...

      We had the relationship talk, and eventually made it official. It never felt official though because he was always busy with traveling, his job, sports, his friends etc. I always felt second place. Eventually he started acting distant, and said he wasn't ready for a relationship. So we went back to dating. I don't think he was seeing other girls because he barely had time for me. I also know that about 2 months before he met me he just got out of a 2 year relationship. Apparently she lost interest and wasn't too nice to him

      So time went on, and I decided I wasn't going to be his "casual girl". I'm 27, I don't have time to wait around for someone to want a relationship with me. So I had a talk with him, mature and calmly of course, no tears (ones that he saw at least haha). I asked him if we were ever going to be in a relationship and that I needed to know where it was going. He said at this point in his life, he's not ready for a relationship and doesn't know when he will be. He said it could be a week, a month, or 6 months. So I told him that I couldn't wait around and I couldn't be his friend or talk to him. He wasn't too happy about it, bit he understood. He said as I was leaving that if he changes his mind or figures things out and wants a relationship, that he'll give me a call.

      It's been a little over 3 weeks and I haven't heard anything : ( I haven't called, text, or emailed him. I got rid of stuff that reminds me of him, and I avoid anything that reminds me of him. I even temporarily deleted my Facebook so I don't see anything that has to do with him. I've been keeping myself busy with work, playing the guitar, dieting, exercising, hanging out with friends, etc. I still miss him and I'm wondering if he just completely forgot about me : ( ....what do I do?

    • profile image

      Help me please 3 years ago

      Me and my ex dated for a month in feb. Starting on valentines then broke up because we weren't ever able to see each other. This time we dated in April starting on my birthday and same thing a month later. Both times he was really cold, but last time we started talking again a day later and normal again 3 weeks later but this time he is a lot colder, more distant, and even told me to forget about him. That he won't hate me, he still cares, but we aren't going anywhere. I've contacted him everyday for 2 days after the break up and finally told him I'll talk to him after a while passes, but I've told him that on the day of the break up as well. Right now. I don't know if he still loves me. Because 4 days before the break up he said that I was his everything and he loves me but on break up he said that he doesn't even have time for himself work full time and college and that we weren't going anywhere. What do I do? He's my first boyfriend and I really love him. He has always been so kind and loving but so cold, distant and cruel after a breakup. The 1st break up he was nice the same him about it, but this time he is so cold.

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 3 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi there.

      I'm sorry to hear of the problems that you have been experiencing but it doesn't sound as if your ex really knows what he wants.

      Maybe he is under a lot of pressure between work and college, that is understandable, but if he really wanted to see you, then he would make time for you. If he's not prepared to make that commitment, then he's not worth your time and love.

      Also, don't just let him walk in and out of your life, as and when it suits him, and whatever you do, don't become his booty call!

      You haven't been dating for very long and it's far too early to be talking about loving each other. The feelings you have are most likely to be infatuation, and not love.

      Probably the most positive thing you can do, is to just leave him alone and get on with your life. That's essentially what no contact is all about. Keep busy, don't stalk his every move and don't contact him. Concentrate on yourself and your own life.

      Take care and good luck!

    • profile image

      StayingStong 3 years ago

      I met this handsome guy about 7 months ago, It was an instant physical attraction. I met him at my job and he immediately caught my eye. After he visited my job for a few days, the last time he was up there he told me I was a very beautiful women. I said Thank you and we went on. Anyhow we started dating, talking on the phone, texting back and forth and then we ended up having a sexual relationship. I was falling for him and was falling hard. We would see each other every weekend and then all of a sudden he said one day, I think we are getting too used to each other and told me he needed some time. I of course asked why he felt that way and he told me that he was scared and that he didn't want any commitments. I told him that I wasn't looking for a commitment myself, that I liked hanging out with him and that we could just take things day to day. Anyhow it went on like that but i eventually started to notice him getting distant. Phone calls stopped, text messages stopped and we stopped hanging out on weekends. It got to the point where he would only come over if I asked him to or late at night. Or to watch a game or to drink, we stopped having sex and said that we were going to be just friends, but every now and then he would hold me or kiss me but that was it. Anyhow recently, he came over to my house and we were cool you know, he left and said he would be coming back later that night and never showed up. The next day I called him and was pretty upset and told him that he could have called or texted to let me know he wasn't showing up. Anyhow he stood me up twice. So i decided that I was done with him. No more phone calls or texts on my part. The following day he sent an early text message asking if I was at work, and I did not reply, then he called two hours later and I did not answer, I went to lunch and while i was at lunch he showed up to my job and left me a card. Then later called again and I did not answer again so he then sent a text saying that he was sorry for everything and that he would not bother me ever again. I did not reply and that a few hours later he sent another text message. I am very thankful to have met you and thank you for everything. I again did not reply and he called again later that night. I did not answer. Question is, do you think he will call me again?? And is it really over? Don't know what to say to him if I ever talk to him again. At this point i'm so lost and so confused. I have started the NC rule.

    • profile image

      m.steve 3 years ago

      My relationship was 4 yrs ..plzz ..feelin was a cry inside me do help ..plzz plzz ..I wil follow yur instruction sincerely ..I need her bck..why she always changing her mind plz plz help..thank u

    • profile image

      Dreams 3 years ago

      Hi, I was friend with my boyfriend more than 4 years. I had faith in him and believed that we get married. During those years we were happy with each other and didn't have real problem. 4 month ago he said he wants to get married with me, and he said before marriage lets talk about our future life, and things that you expect from me. I really didn't say anything bad to him, whatever we said, we had talked about it before. There was just a social-religious related problem, that I thought he can accept it. But after 3 months talking he said I cannot marry you because we have differences. I was shocked and told him I didn't know you have problem with this matter! OK! I accept the way you want me to be, I do whatever in this matter that you want.

      But after that he said there are more differences that we have and will caused us to take divorce after marriage. He told me I am not in his heart anymore! he said I talked badly with him, an he didn't expect it from me.

      His family also I know have sth. to do with our marriage! And now they also disagree with our marriage. I think they have some bad influence on him, and take me out of his heart after 4years being together. There is only one thing from the first that was hurting me. that he didn't want non of his friends know about me! He was telling me because we are not sure that we get married, I don't want my friends know about my relationship now.

      But after all of these things he was too kind to me until a weak ago that he told me lets break up, your not good enough for me to be my wife and all of these happened because of your mistakes.

      Now please tell me what should I have to do? i really love him. I believed him and made all my futures and dreams with him. He is my first love and I want him to be my last and forever love.

      please advise me :(

    • profile image

      Shanmoo 3 years ago

      Hi there,

      Me and my ex broke up 2 months ago, it was me who ended it initially, which was down to me being depressed and misunderstanding things and overreacting. However when I realised my mistake, he refused to work it out.

      We work in the same place and we have been backwards and forwards in contact, but met a few times and had the "talk" about what happened and why. He has blown hot and cold though. He would be affectionate one minute, then next minute saying he wanted us to be friends. I tried, but it didn't work for me, I just ended up chasing after him feeding his ego and getting hurt.

      Many of our friends who have been watching and listening to what's going on says it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.

      You know we were together 9 months nearly and never fought until that day we broke up. He said the only thing that went wrong was when I got depressed, which was down to me not being well at that time. When I looked at our text messages from that time, it was just 3 weeks out of those nearly 9 months, when it was difficult. There was a reason for that, and that reason is now gone.

      I decided to call off the friendship and told him it isn't working for me at this time, but that I will be civil if I see him (highly likely as we work in the same office!). I just want him back. I only just started no contact and already its so hard. Ive been putting positive pictures on my facebook, me out at social events etc. We arent friends anymore, but my profile is public and we have shared friends. I haven't heard anything from him since I wrote to him a week ago to say I couldn't be friends with him.

      I often wondered if he is holding some kind of resentment towards me and this is why he wont get back together. Will this now just get worse ?

    • profile image

      Alex 3 years ago

      Hi

      I broke up with my boyfriend on 31/5 and the last contact I had with him was the 5/6. We both said some really, really awful things to each other as we both knew the areas that would hurt the most and targetted them. We are both hot head passionate people and small things seem to grow in to large agruements. However when it's good it's near prefection and when we got back (in a matter of days) after a previous break up we both realised it. I don't know if I have a strength for a relationship with him and I have blocked him from my phone etc and I have a feeling he has done the same. However I would like to friends because I really miss that element of our relationship (or perhaps I actually miss more I don't know) .

      I need to find an inner calm at present and lick my wounds sort of speak but its hard. Your thought would be welcome. Thanks

    • profile image

      tori 2 years ago

      I am recently broke up from my ex who I was actually engaged to. We would have hit our two year mark in october. We moved very fast from the start. He cheated on me in November of 2012 with the mother of his children only one short month after we first got together in which I did not find out until months later and then i forgave him. But that did not stop me from constantly nagging and accusing him of things. I caught him in many more lies that involved women none of which I believe he cheated on me with but it really gave me insecurity issues but I always chose to stay. Over time out connection got lost and we ended up going to couples counceling where I felt he just was not trying anymore. I did not feel loved or appreciated. I ended up leaving and it's only been about a month but I have seen him every week and we have relapsed a little but it has always been on his terms. Every time I do not talk to him he says I must be out being a whore or he hates me or he calls me names but the minute I respond he just is really rude. I understand in a lot of ways I pushed him away in the end with my insecurities and accusations and I can't take that back and I am having a hard time thinking that had I trusted him again we would not be here

      I know I made the conscious choice to leave but I'm really reflecting on everything as a whole. He says that he wants to be friends first and to have patience because we never were friends before we became lovers. But i feel that is just a way for him to keep me around while he goes and has his freedom. I am seeking counseling as well for additional help to stop blaming myself.. so I guess my question is when I have relapsed already and since he knows if he keeps bugging me i will cave in I'm allowing him to have his cake and eat it too right? What should I do? How would you go about your next steps. It is hard because we are under a lease until October which I have moved out... Also I am very close to his kids that we had won custody of and the mother of his children are no longer around. I took on the role of a mother to them and when I see them they don't want me to go. This has been weighing very heavy on me because I thought this was the man I would marry and he is not fighting for me at all and I just don't know how to go about the situation anymore. Please help!

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 2 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Tori.

      Sorry to hear about your relationship problems. It sounds as if you would benefit from trying 'No Contact,' for a period of time. You will find a lot of guidance in my book, "30 Day No Contact Rule," which is available for download on Amazon (see link above).

      He's playing the 'friends' card, and this will never work in your favour...and yes, you are letting him 'have his cake and eat it!' He will not respect or value you if you let him use you as nothing more than a 'booty call.'

      He cheated on you and it's not your fault that you feel insecure about the relationship. He also has to accept responsibility for his behaviour. Infidelity is extremely difficult to forgive and forget.

      The only complication, as I see it, are his children and any access that you may want to maintain with them. I don't know the details of the custody agreement and whether or not any legal rights were granted to you, or just your ex. Is it possible not to see them for a period of time while you invoke no contact? If not, is there any way that you can see them without your ex having to be there?

      The children shouldn't be made to suffer but equally, you need to consider your position and what will happen if he eventually ends up with a new partner. Will you still be able to see the children then?

      I cover the No Contact Rule in more detail in my book and this should help you further. However, you would benefit from implementing no contact, as soon as possible, while you gather your thoughts and strengthen your resolve.

      Best of luck with this!

    • Anishwebmaster profile image

      Anish Kumar 2 years ago from Mundi Kharar, Mohali, Chandigarh, (Punjab)

      That's very nice tips.After breakup,i think it is very difficult to move on.As i have no girlfriend i can't say anymore about this...but seriously your article is very interesting and great.

    • profile image

      Marta 2 years ago

      My bf of 15 months broke up with me on Sunday. He said he loves me cares for me and don't want to give me up but he has to. Why ? Because i have children. That he had been there before and done it and set up his mind to never do it again. He said he tried to change his mind but he can't....i was crying, begging...said we have a future even if it takes few years..he said no...Decided to go on NC rule straight away...didn't contact him for 3 days but gave up last night. Texted him how he can do it to us if we both love each other etc. No reply from him. Is there any chance he ever change his mind ? Should i stick to no contact rule ? What can i do to get him back ?

    • profile image

      Don'tknowif... 2 years ago

      I don't know if my girlfriend and I have broken up. She says we are still together. She says she love me more than anything, but I must admit I have recently been allowing my insecurities to get the best of me, causing us to argue more and more and now she goes a day or two without talking to me. I was wondering if I should begin the NC for a couple weeks since we are still in a relationship? I just think we need some space so she will miss me. I don't feel like she is chasing me anymore because I am always being insecure.

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 2 years ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Don'tknowif...

      What you have identified is perfectly correct...people always want what they can't have, which possibly, is why your girlfriend isn't chasing you anymore. However, healthy relationships are a balance of give and take. Your girlfriend shouldn't have to 'chase' you for you to feel wanted. Also, I'm sure she would appreciate it, if you did your fair share of the 'chasing,' from time-to-time also.

      Furthermore, I do sympathize with your girlfriend. If your insecurities are causing arguments, then I probably would not want to get in touch with you either.

      You need to take control of your insecurities. If they are affecting this relationship, then they will eventually do the same to every other relationship you have, in the future.

      No contact would be great to help you become more independent and begin to value yourself more. It should never be used to 'punish' the other party. Therefore, in this case, if your girlfriend does contact you, then I would be inclined to let her know that you are taking some 'time out' as you realize that your behavior is not having a positive effect on the relationship.

      Once you begin to feel more independent, and confident about yourself, then you may be ready to get back in touch with your girlfriend.

      Best of luck with this.

    • profile image

      Po_xy 2 years ago

      Hello,

      First of all i will tell you shortly my story, maybe you can understand better what happened because i don't.

      I was studying abroad for 1 year and before leaving i started looking for information about the city and a place to live etc.. so i realised i have someone on my friendlist that lives pretty close and i contacted him so we started to talk more often, nothing special just friends talk. When i moved there after some days he asked me if i don't want to go to his city and meet him, but i didn't feel comfortable yet to go alone in a new country meeting someone i don't know. Anyway after 2 months of living there we kept talking and he said he could come visit me if i want so i agreed, and we meet, it was kind of awkward but it felt nice, after couple of week he came again and so on, so i guess we started "dating" he told me i was the first woman he's ever been with. We went on holidays together and keep seeing until i came back to my country, followed that it was couple of months of silence, he wasn't fine with long distance relationship and i didn't felt like forcing him to continue with me if he didn't felt like. But one day we started talking again firstly as friends and after some weeks he told me he can come see me on winter holidays, i was happy in a way because i care so much about him and the fact that he freely decided to continue really gave me a huge dose of optimism. We talked about future holidays, he even said he would take classes in a future to learn my launguage. 3 weeks before he was supposed to come his dad passed away and we didn't know if he was able to come but in the end he said he needs a distraction so he came. We had the most wonderful days, we didn't spend more than few minutes without holding hands,caressing or kissing or talking, everything went smoothly. The day he left i took him to the airport and then i went to a friend's place because i didn't want to be alone. After he got home in the evening we didn't talk much i assumed he was tired he had to catch up with his family etc, but days were passing by and he wasn't even saying hi unless i was writing to him, i asked what was wrong, he said he has a lot of stress with classes his dad's inheritage and he checked hs callendar and he won't be able to come visit me soon. So i told him i could visit him. But i was barely reciving any reply and one day i bursted out so he finally told me he doesn't want to go on with this that he doesn't feel like he can handle it or that ths doesn't work put for him anymore. I don't understand how in the afternoon we were together and in the evening for him it was already too much. It's been almost a week since then, he is not a sentimental problem and he never liked to talk about feelings and these kinds of things so i didn't get any further information about what happened... I feel so lost because i imagined we could have a future togeher, i'm not a teenager anymore, we're both around 30. The thing that most kills me is that i don't understand the reasons...

    • profile image

      Pain 2 years ago

      I need help. I dates this girl for two years. Just to put things in perspective. She is the type of person that needs her space. I always invaded her privacy and life. We would break up most of the time because i would overdo it without giving her space cuz i was scared to lose her.

      Two weeks ago she started talking to a guy. She told me straight up. I cried and i begged her to not leave me. I would blow up her phone. I even blackmailed her with stuff shes done in the past cuz i felt like i got screwed over cuz i got her the job and she fell in love with a co worker.

      That being said. I still want her back not cuz of the reasons people think but because shes actually a nice girl honestly and my best friend. I think shes just confuse. I think her whole family hates me and i think she does.

      We hanged out one last day told me i was the love of her life but that i wouldn't change and she wants to look forward. How do i apply my NC in this situation and would it still work no matter what situation ur in?

    • profile image

      Danielle 21 months ago

      I asked my boyfriend if he loves he said he doesn't know if he loves me?i broke it off completely! He already has told he loves me I'm the past but feelings have changed due to our fights .we have had some break ups during our year together and I have always been the piece maker now i have had enough he takes no blame and now this.I started the No Contact day 5 was it the right thing?

    • profile image

      lonely 8 months ago

      My boyfriend and I did not break up. we dated for a month and a half. After he lost his job. A week later he stop texting and calling me. I would do all the texting and calling, and I would make the suggesting to meet up and hang out. He begin to get frustrated because he could not find and job. he begin to get distant. I would give him space for two to three days. When I text him he would be happy to hear from me. He would even text me back. Then he would get distance again. So I decided to do the nc. I did it for a week, so i contact him. He was glad to hear from me. He text me back asking if everything okay. but i didnt text him back. the next day. i wanted to see him and spend sometime. but i text him and told him that i already had plans. because i did not want him to reject me or give me an excuse. So I am back to the nc. It has been 7 days and I have not heard from him. will the nc work. Im 47 and he is 52. Any suggestion.

    • profile image

      Anon 8 months ago

      This Scorpio is on day 6 of my initiated no contact. It was easy at first, but I'm wavering now. I must keep silent....30 days is my goal

    • profile image

      jackson 5 weeks ago

      I didn't know about the no contact rule ,what do I do now that I've already contacted her?

    • profile image

      Brian 4 weeks ago

      I know the no contact period is for self, i'm looking at it and executing it that way. However I can't fool myself, personally my belief is eventually whatever happens happens. My ex is a great catch, she's older than me. I am 23. Our sex life was amazing. We broke up Oct. 3rd of last year. We last had sex this year late Feb. We both have seen or are seeing other people currently. She is adamant that we'll never be together again. I believe she thinks she has summed me up. To a super clingy, irresponsible guy. I didn't have stable job in our relationship which I think was the root of our problems. I'm looking forward to healing and time for myself. I'm taking my flaws serious, and facing them head on until i'll improve. I'd be lying if said I said I don't want to start fresh with her. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. There is an old quote that says if the love is real set it free, if the love returns it was always yours. So I understand reconciled exes who end up making it are definite anomalies, even rare. I wholeheartedly rationally believe and feel my ex and I are the unique exception. Our compatibility was unusually intense, roughly for at least the first two months, our relationship was magic then. Basically what i want to know is how long should enter no contact for? Having never done it before with this individual. I'd like to ideally make a strong impression. So is a year is in the ballpark or when i feel i'm 100% insight? I'd like appreciate your insight. Also if she initiates contact, then what? Just completely undermine her?

    • profile image

      Maria 2 weeks ago

      Day 2. He sent twenty texts and nine voice mails so far Maybe three of them are concern that I may be sick or dead but not really because he can drive to my home in five minutes. I know this is not supposed to be about revenge, and I'm never going back, but after four years of being a doormat, if his anxiety is half of what mine was, I am pleased.

    • Matty Fernandez profile image

      Matty Fernandez 10 days ago from Passaic, NJ

      I am sharing this on my Facebook page. Great advice!

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 10 days ago from United Kingdom

      Thank you Matty. Much appreciated!

    • profile image

      Emma 43 hours ago

      I'm so glad I came across your page today. I believe you given some really solid advice and I'm definitely going through a difficult time. My ex and I have been broken up for 5 days after being together for 9 years. We lived together for 5 yrs until last September when he got a job promotion and took a job out of state. I was in the process of finishing my degree and we agreed it would be best if I stayed. I decided to apply to med school and was accepted in a different state where our house is and where he was stationed. We agreed I go and that we would make things work. 3 weeks after I left for school my ex was transferred back to our hometown and back in our house. We were fine the first three months with me doing all the traveling to see him. He made the excuse often that he doesn't get two days off in a row to travel and I'm 7 hours away. I felt him become distant in April but he also told me that he was ready for marriage. We agreed that It would be best that he move where I am at until I finish school and I thought we were all set. I went to visit him in May to find he now had a roommate and he had removed my photos from the living room. He brushed me off when I asked if he was seeing someone and had them at our home. While I was home I found out he has been hanging with a new female coworker after work and they go drinking and clubbing. He had never mentioned her before and felt that our introduction while I was home was appropriate. She was overly flirtatious with him in front of me and he didn't stop it. I became upset and said we should end things. He told me that I was the only person for him and he wants to be together forever and asked for another chance. I gave in and returned to school. He became unavailable not answering calls and for weeks we went back and forth about his consistency and effort. We went on vacation and when he returned home disappeared again. Finally when I demanded this week that he respect me and put in effort my calling he said that he wanted to breakup because this relationship and my nagging about his effort is stressing him out and causing us both unhappiness. I explained that if we break up it's for good and to think it through. He said he is sure he wants to break up and live his life and he deserves to be happy. He said he will always love me and wants to remain friends. No contact has been really hard and I'm in a lot of pain as we are in our 30s and I thought we were headed towards a long future together.

    • Marketing Merit profile image
      Author

      C L Grant 32 hours ago from United Kingdom

      Hi Emma.

      Sorry to hear about your breakup.

      You've approached this in a mature way and attempted to resolve your differences before breaking up. Although no contact is hard, it becomes less painful in the long run. The alternative is to keep hoping for a reconciliation and to jump every time your ex clicks his fingers. You must continue to respect yourself and establish boundaries. Better to find out now than later, when you are married and have a young family.

      You have an exciting time ahead with med school. Focus on that and the opportunities that it will give you. Please don't fret about being in your 30's. You are still a spring chicken and have plenty of time to find true love. My instinct tells me that your ex will soon realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side and may want to come back. You need to think long and hard about whether he is the right man for you, and if you want him back in your life.

      Remember, success is the greatest form of revenge. Focus on creating the best you and the best life that you possibly can

      Take care and good luck!

    Click to Rate This Article