CL Grant has authored many relationship books, including "30 Day No Contact Rule," "The Reality of Being the Other Woman," and "Ex Addict."
What Is the No Contact Rule?
The No Contact Rule is simplicity itself: it just means not having any communication with your former romantic partner for a specified period of time. This includes:
- No telephone calls
- No text messages
- No instant messaging or emails
- No contact via social media
- No "accidental" meetings
- No contacting your ex's friends or family
- No stalking
Going no contact is particularly useful after a relationship's breakup, especially if you were the one who was dumped or betrayed. It can also be used to detach yourself from a narcissistic or abusive partner.
Of course, if you and your ex-partner have children together, then you will inevitably need to discuss issues regarding your kids. While this type of dialogue is unavoidable, you should do your very best to keep these interactions to a bare minimum. The same rule applies if you have joint business or business interests.
Nonetheless, if you are prepared to implement no contact, then there are significant benefits to be gained.
- What Is the No Contact Rule?
- Why Use No Contact?
- 7 Reasons Why the No Contact Rule Works
- 1. No Contact Gives You Time to Grieve
- 2. You Can Wallow in Self-Pity
- 3. No Contact Prevents You From Demeaning Yourself
- 4. You Can Regain Perspective on Your Life
- 5. No Contact Lets You Reconnect With Yourself
- 6. It Allows You to Set Healthy Boundaries
- 7. No Contact Gives You Time to Reinvent Yourself
- What Is the Goal of No Contact?
- Why No Contact Fails to Work
- How Do I Go No Contact on Social Media?
- What If I Break No Contact?
- Is No Contact the Same Thing as Breaking Up?
- Is No Contact the Same Thing as the Silent Treatment?
- How Long Does No Contact Last?
Why Use No Contact?
All relationships are not created equal. Thus, it is not uncommon for one person to be more emotionally invested in a partnership than the other. When relationships end, one partner will typically harbor feelings for their ex and struggle to come to terms with the separation.
When this happens, the distraught party is often likely to want to maintain contact with their former lover, even if it delays healing. One of the main dangers with continuing to see your ex is that this stops you from moving on with your life. Even when you find a new partner, research confirms that the new relationship will feel less rewarding if you continue to try to talk to your ex and that you will likely feel less committed to your new partner as a result.
Dr. Tara Marshall of Brunel University in London, in a study entitled Attachment Styles and Personal Growth following Romantic Breakups: The Mediating Roles of Distress, Rumination, and Tendency to Rebound, concluded that the best way to recover from a split was to avoid all exposure to an ex-partner, whether that be face-to-face or online communication.
By continuing to contact your ex, you are not only exposing yourself to extreme distress, but you are also adding fuel to the fire of your longing for reconciliation, hindering your emotional recovery, and sabotaging your future relationships.
7 Reasons Why the No Contact Rule Works
- It gives you time to properly grieve the death of your relationship.
- You can let yourself wallow in self-pity (that's the first stage of recovery).
- It prevents you from demeaning and embarrassing yourself unnecessarily.
- It enables mental clarity and puts things back into perspective.
- You can reconnect with your independent life and self.
- It allows you to rediscover the distinction between you and your ex and set healthy boundaries.
- It is an opportunity to recover, redefine, and reinvent yourself.
Each of these benefits is described fully below.
1. No Contact Gives You Time to Grieve
When a relationship ends, the heartache can be so traumatic that it mirrors the grief you might experience following the death of a loved one. After all, you have suffered the loss of someone whom you loved dearly, even though technically your ex is still alive.
Coping with a breakup can be excruciatingly painful and harrowing. Betrayal, humiliation, bitterness, bewilderment, anger, depression, anxiety, and panic are all perfectly normal emotions to experience. Even the most rational-minded individuals can be pushed to a breaking point.
Grieving takes time and the process cannot be fast-tracked. If you had suffered a serious injury in a motor vehicle accident, you would not expect to be recovered within a matter of days. In addition to receiving emergency medical care, you may well be expected to undergo a period of rehabilitation, and there may well be emotional trauma to contend with. The same is true for mending a broken heart. Emotional healing can take just as long—if not longer—than some physical wounds. You will not feel better overnight and must allow yourself time to rest and recuperate.
There are several phases to the grieving process, and you need time to allow nature to take its course and work through these stages in turn.
The Grieving Process for a Relationship
The grieving process for a relationship can be broken down into different stages. The following are the three main phases you will experience.
Stage 1: Shock, Denial, and Numbness
This is when you will be at your most vulnerable. You won't believe it's true. You will let your heart rule your head and hold onto false hopes of a reconciliation.
Stage 2: Fear, Anger, and Depression
After a period of time, you will eventually come to realize that your relationship really is over. For several different reasons, this can also be a rather destructive phase. You may want revenge on your ex. You may also have a tendency to over-divulge information about your relationship in an attempt to portray your ex in a bad light. (Believe me, you will come to regret this at a later date.) Moreover, you may wish harm to befall your ex. Or, which can sometimes be even worse, you may turn all of these negative feelings on yourself.
Stage 3: Understanding, Acceptance, and Moving On
Eventually, you will progress to the acceptance phase and begin to come to terms with your loss. Whilst you may still feel sad about what has happened, you are more likely to have come to accept what you cannot change.
One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is to grieve the loss of someone who is still alive.
2. You Can Wallow in Self-Pity
Have you ever watched the opening scene in the film Bridget Jones' Diary? Still in her pajamas, smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of wine, a forlorn Bridget is lip synching to the song "All By Myself." She then proceeds to check her answerphone, only for it to tell her, "You have no messages."
Anyone who has ever suffered a breakup will no doubt be able to empathize with Bridget's character. Well, just like her, you have permission to throw your very own pity-party. Lock yourself away, wallow in self-pity, cry your heart out, and totally indulge yourself. Take the time you need to get your ex out of your system.
Nevertheless, whilst we all deserve a little self-indulgence from time to time, there will reach a point when you really must get your act together. So, after a few days, you need to put on a brave face and get on with your life. Hence, if you haven't made it out of bed for several days, then make today the day when all that changes.
3. No Contact Prevents You From Demeaning Yourself
Rejection and desperation can make you do silly things like calling, texting, and begging your ex to take you back. You might begin obsessively checking your messages to see if he or she has been in touch. If they haven’t, it makes you feel a million times worse. You may lash out at your ex—aggressively or passive-aggressively—or you may try to hurt yourself by neglecting your health or indulging in misery. Your mind goes into overdrive and you begin to imagine them out partying while you are confined to your bedroom, heartbroken. Worse still, they may have moved on with their life and found themselves a new partner. Contemplating these thoughts sends you into an even deeper state of despair.
When you are in such an irrational state of mind, you are inclined to do things that, ordinarily, would never enter your head, like overindulging in food or alcohol to drown your sorrows, drunk-dialling or texting, repeatedly driving past your ex's home or place of work, stalking them, or even worse.
In the long-term, maintaining a dignified silence will save you from a considerable amount of embarrassment.
4. You Can Regain Perspective on Your Life
Following a breakup, it is perfectly natural to be in such mental turmoil that you do not know which way to turn. Creating space between you and your ex can help improve your mental clarity and enable you to solve your problems more effectively.
Writing down your thoughts in a journal will also help you to put recent events into perspective. Don't worry about what you write, just get all of your thoughts out of your mind. Transferring your feelings and problems to paper helps free the mental clutter in your head and leaves you with a greater capacity to think clearly.
Without any external influence, you can begin to reassess your life by asking yourself questions such as:
- Who is the most important person in my life?
- Who are the people who are always there for me?
- What irritating habits did my ex have?
- What did my relationship prevent me from doing with my life?
- What new opportunities does your breakup give me?
- What five things am I most thankful for today?
- What five things am I going to achieve today?
As you gain perspective, you will begin asking yourself other questions that are specific to your personal set of circumstances, things you never allowed yourself to ask before. Gradually, you will begin to realize who and what is most important to you. Often, we tend to forget about our family and close friends whose loyalty and support we take for granted. People suffering from a serious illness may simply be grateful to wake up in the morning. So start appreciating your life and be truly thankful for all that you have.
5. No Contact Lets You Reconnect With Yourself
Let's be perfectly honest: we are all more than capable of getting into a rut with our relationships. We tend to give up hobbies, that we once so enjoyed, in order to spend time with our partner. Friends, that we were once so close to, have long since disappeared off the radar.
Well now, you have time to do whatever you want. Ring up those old friends and reconnect with them. By all means, let them know that you are going through a breakup, but don't solely use them as a shoulder to cry on. Rekindle old friendships and begin doing those hobbies that you once so enjoyed.
6. It Allows You to Set Healthy Boundaries
While it is important to set healthy boundaries in all aspects of your life, boundaries often become blurred within relationships, especially when you are feeling vulnerable. When your self-esteem is low, you are more likely to let your boundaries slip. This is often due to fear of rejection or abandonment. However, it is important to remember that healthy boundaries can protect you, both on a physical and emotional level.
Boundaries are all about being treated with respect and letting others know what you are—and what you are not—prepared to tolerate. From time to time, your ex-partner may test these boundaries. For example, if your ex sends you a drunken text at 2 a.m. asking you to pop over to see him, is that treating you with respect? Do you honestly believe that he is desperate to have a deep and meaningful conversation with you? My guess is probably not and you should not let your relief at hearing from him cloud your judgement.
Use the period of no contact to draw up a list of relationship boundaries. When enforcing these boundaries, be assertive but remain calm. You do not need to apologize or justify your reasoning to anyone.
7. No Contact Gives You Time to Reinvent Yourself
One positive aspect about being single is that you have more time to focus on what you want: You can do what you want, dress how you like, and eat what you want. So spend that extra time focusing on and improving yourself.
- It's time to take that spin class you never had time for or pull your bicycle out of the back of the garage. Walking, yoga, dance—find an activity that makes you feel good. I don't suggest cosmetic surgery (although if you find Botox and fillers appealing, then go ahead), but start with baby steps—possibly a new hairstyle, new makeup, and a wardrobe overhaul. If you are unsure of how to go about this, then simply book a consultation with a specialist.
- Also, take a good look at your home. Clearing clutter can be extremely therapeutic. If your ex has left any belongings hanging around, make sure you box them up and put them out of sight. Why not examine your finances while you're at it? What steps can you take to improve these, so that you can feel more secure with your life and your future.
- Finally, there is nothing to stop you from embarking upon new activities and hobbies, no matter how outrageous they may seem. Now is the time to do that crazy thing you always wanted to do. I know of a woman in her seventies who, following the death of her husband, took up belly dancing. Try to step outside of your comfort zone a little. Trying something that you think you cannot do and it will give you a great sense of achievement.
Also, the harder you focus on yourself, the less time you will have to think about your ex. Whatever happens following your breakup, you need to make sure that time does not stand still for you.
No matter how you feel: Get up, dress up, show up, and never give up.
— Genevieve Rhode
What Is the Goal of No Contact?
There are some critics who believe this method is nothing more than a manipulative mind game for scorned ex-lovers. In part, this is true, since many embark upon no contact with hidden false hopes and expectations for reconciliation.
Many mistakenly start no contact with the wrong attitude. Instead of viewing it as a healthy way of recovering from a breakup and helping yourself become stronger, they become obsessed with getting back together with their ex. Some even start to think that the goal is to punish their ex. Losing sight of the goal—which is healing—will only lead to more pain and heartache.
Don't get confused: The goal is recovery, not reconciliation. In order for it to work, it is vital that you stay focused on why you're doing it. To clarify, no contact is not...
- a game
- about punishment or revenge
- about getting your former partner back
- about making your ex jealous
It's about refocusing on yourself and getting your individual life back on track.
Why No Contact Fails to Work
There are two main reasons no contact fails to work:
- You forget the purpose. The rules exist for a reason. They are there to help you rebuild yourself. Sitting at home for 30 days, wallowing in self-pity, is not going to cut it. You must take positive steps to reinvigorate yourself and your life.
- You break the rules. Maybe you reached out to your ex. You tell yourself that you really had to, but you kid yourself. You tell yourself that a little interaction doesn't count and that you can resume no contact where you left off, but you can’t. Sporadically breaking no contact is probably the worst thing that you can do. If you don't say true to yourself and follow through on your initial plan, no contact probably won't work for you.
If you want no contact to work, it might be smart to read 7 Dumb Mistakes People Make After No Contact. Being aware of the mistakes will help you avoid them.
How Do I Go No Contact on Social Media?
Hopefully, most adults should know by now how ugly, awkward, and painful it can be when someone uses social platforms like Facebook or Twitter to air their relationship problems. Don't do it. In fact, if you are in contact with your ex on any social media, you need to take some extra steps to extend your no contact to the internet.
- Temporarily hide or unfollow your ex's posts. Every platform has a way for you to unsee the posts of a specific contact without breaking contact with them entirely. Do a quick Google search to find instructions for all of your social media platforms. You can decide later if you want to unfriend or unfollow them permanently.
- Refrain from broadcasting any details of your breakup. You don't have to lie about it, and you certainly don't have to keep it all bottled inside you, but instead of making grand announcements about your new relationship status, dramatic posts about your pain, or posting selfies of your recovery, find a real-world friend to talk to in the flesh.
- Don’t use social media to take revenge, make your ex jealous, hurt their feelings, or try to get them to love you again. Whatever you do, do not rant, drunk-post, whine, brag, gloat, stalk, or look at photos of your ex.
- Take a break from using all social media if you can't control yourself.
- If you need to see a therapist, then do. Don't use social media as a cheap alternative to therapy.
What If I Break No Contact?
No contact means no contact. Although some contact might be permissible under an extreme circumstances (like if something scary happens to your shared child), contacting your ex because you can't find your favorite sweater violates the rules. If you break no contact, then you really need to start again from the very beginning.
Is No Contact the Same Thing as Breaking Up?
Just as a separation is not a divorce, going no contact is not quite the same thing as breaking up entirely. Sometimes, it follows a tentative breakup, but sometimes it's not entirely clear if you have broken up or not. Regardless, if it's going to work, you both need to understand what "no contact" means and what its purpose is. That means the terms should be spelled out before you break contact. Tell them exactly what you're doing, why you're doing it, how long it will last, and why.
Is No Contact the Same Thing as the Silent Treatment?
No, it's not: No contact is not the same thing as the silent treatment. Why? Because it follows a break in the relationship, because you are doing it to heal yourself rather than punish another, and because you are being completely transparent and up-front about your motives. No contact is a powerful tool for healing, but the silent treatment is a form of punishment or abuse. Read 7 Facts About the Silent Treatment in a Relationship if you want to learn more.
How Long Does No Contact Last?
For most, 30 days is enough to gain perspective, although those who have been in a relationship for quite some time might need longer—even 60 days—to detox and clear the mind. However, if you have an addictive personality and fail to take positive steps to move forward with your life, you may find yourself pining for your ex, many years after your breakup. Always remember that by implementing the no contact rule, you are adopting a strategy to help heal yourself.
- Field T. Diego M. Pelaez M, et al (2009). Breakup distress in university students. Adolescence, 44: 705–727. [9 April 2016]
- Rodriguez, L. M., Øverup, C. S., Wickham, R. E., Knee, C. R., & Amspoker, A. B. (2016). Communication with former romantic partners and current relationship outcomes among college students. Personal Relationships, 23: 409-424. [9 April 2016]
- Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, 15(10): 521-526. [9 April 2016]
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Questions & Answers
Question: My boyfriend dumped me, and now has a new girlfriend. I'm totally heart broken. What should I do?
Answer: You should implement no contact and allow yourself time to heal. Read through the rules again and make sure you follow them. Give yourself a little time to grieve, but then you have to begin planning for your future.
Question: My boyfriend asked me to give him space to figure out his feelings between me and his ex. He said he wants to be with me without thinking of anybody else. Should I wait for him or should I move on? Does the no contact rule mean removing him from my social media accounts?
Answer: While your boyfriend has been honest about still having feelings for his ex, it is unreasonable to keep you dangling by a thread. Yes, you should give him space, but you also shouldn't put your life on hold.
Undertake a modified form of no contact as regards your social media accounts. Don't block or unfriend him, but unfollow him and make a pact not to look at any of his social media profiles. Furthermore, maintain radio silence and refrain from posting anything on your social media account.
Question: My girlfriend broke up with me seven days ago. I was obsessed with contacting her for the first six days. However, she told me she needed some space. Yesterday was my first day of no contact, and it was painful. My birthday is coming up in four weeks time. What advice can you give me in case she texts me to wish me happy birthday?
Answer: Firstly, continue with no contact. Your ex has already explained that she needs some space and will begin to feel emotionally suffocated, if you don't respect her request.
Also, it is best not to focus on receiving a text from her on your birthday. Instead, make plans with family and friends to keep yourself busy on that day. If your ex does contact you on your birthday, then you can acknowledge the message in the same way as you would anyone else. However, don't reply straight away. Ideally, leave it until the following day. You should be so busy that you won't have time to check your texts in any event.
Question: I had a relationship with a lady for a year. Everything was okay until three months ago when she became difficult to deal with and made excuses not to meet with me. I recently realized that she's been dating another guy behind my back. I dumped her a week ago, but she maintains that she still loves me and we should maintain contact. What do you think I should do?
Answer: You need to give yourself some space to process what has happened. Your ex is asking you to stay in touch for her benefit, not yours. She is essentially playing the 'friends' card and, in doing so, is keeping her options open. Remember, most cheaters don't regret the cheating, they just regret getting caught.
Follow the no contact rule for 30 days then assess how you feel about your ex then. I'm not advocating that you don't forgive your ex, but you do need to set boundaries and ask yourself if you deserve to be treated with more respect.
Question: My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago, but keeps messaging me. I want to start the no contact rule. What should I do? I don't want to tell her I want to start the no contact rule because she might think I am being childish?
Answer: You don't say why your ex is messaging you, but I guess it is not to get back together.
You do not have to mention the no contact rule. If she contacts you again, just politely let her know that you would appreciate some space to gather your thoughts and move forward with your life. If she messages you again, after this, then it is reasonable for you not to reply.
Question: My boyfriend broke up with me one week ago, moved out and left the key. However, he has now messaged me to say he left a few things behind. He wants to come back when I am at home and wants to watch a movie together. What should I do?
Answer: Gather any remaining belongings of his together and put them in a box. Ideally, leave them with a mutual friend for him to collect. Alternatively, tell him that you will put them in the mail.
Question: How will I know if my ex still has feelings for me? He keeps saying that he still wants to be in contact with me, yet he has already moved on and is dating another woman. How will I know?
Answer: The fact that he is dating another woman should tell you everything that you need to know. Saying that he wants to stay in touch is just a way for him to keep his options open. Stop wasting your time and move on.
Question: My girlfriend dumped me by text nearly two weeks ago. I asked her if we could meet for a chat to try and sort things out. Everything had been going really well until a week before she broke up with me. Should I forget about her and try to move on?
Answer: You don't say if she responded to your request to meet up. I guess that she didn't.
Do you really think that someone who dumps you by text is worthy of your love? I certainly hope not!
As you say, forget about her and move on. It's her loss.
Question: After six weeks on the no contact rule, my ex contacted me with a link for a depression app. Should I respond to her ?
Answer: No. It seems a rather passive-aggressive way of making contact with you.
Question: Is it possible to live another life happily after a breakup?
Answer: Absolutely! It's important to focus on the positive aspects of your life and keep as busy as possible. You are now in a position to take advantage of the many opportunities that life has to offer. Set yourself 100 goals that you want to achieve. Don't hold back: let your imagination run wild! Then focus on achieving them, one at a time. You'll amaze yourself with what you are capable of achieving.
Question: Two weeks after our breakup my ex texted me to thank me for a gift I sent her. I replied and tried to enter into dialogue with her. She replied once but didn't respond to my second text. The following day, I sent her another short text. Have I messed up again?
Answer: Yes. Why would you want to send her a gift? The beauty of no contact is that you can recommence it at any time. So, start again today and remember that no contact means exactly that!
Question: My girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I tried to do no contact, but texted her after 2 weeks saying that I hoped that she was doing well. She responded with a cold, "thanks, you too." Is there still hope? Do I have to re-start the no contact period?
Answer: Yes, you should restart no contact from the beginning. However, you need to remember that this is all about you reaching a place where you feel emotionally stronger and able to live your life without her.
Question: I'm three months into my no contact rule. I forgave my ex twice and twice he hurt me. I am determined to recover from this. My question is why is he on my mind when I don't want to think about him?
Answer: As irritating as it may seem, thinking about your ex is perfectly normal. As your partner, he played a significant role in your life. When you broke up, it left a void. You are in the throes of grieving not only for him, but the life you had together, and the future you thought had. Acknowledge these thoughts and then let them go. The sooner you accept and come to terms with your breakup, the sooner you will be able to move on.
To help overcome this period of 'grief,' you must keep yourself as busy as possible. This is an essential element of no contact. If you find yourself thinking of him when you should be sleeping, download some free relaxation apps and focus on them instead. You need to identify solutions that work for you, but stick to a routine and fill up your diary with positive activities.
Question: I went 3 years no contact with my ex. However, we now have limited contact. I still feel the same way about him and know I still love him. I'm unsure if this is the type of contact I want with him. Do you think it's best to stay clear or have contact and remain polite?
Answer: Many people mistakenly believe that no contact simply means ignoring your ex. It doesn't. It is about rebuilding yourself and becoming emotionally stronger. While it is not uncommon to have some feelings for your ex, you clearly want more from him than he is able to offer.
Maintaining contact with him appears to be hurting you. Stay clear and move on with your life.
Question: My boyfriend cheated on me earlier this month. At first, I would call, text and message him constantly. I have now completed no contact for four days. No phone calls, messages or texts. Nothing. Do you think that the no contact rule could still work? What if he is dating the girl he cheated on me with?
Answer: No contact is about wiping the slate clean so that you can forget about your initial reaction to the breakup. However, no contact is there to help you get through the breakup as painlessly as possible. It is not a tool for punishing your ex, nor should it be used solely with the aim of getting back together.
You are only four days in. There is a long way to go. Also, don't forget that there are several elements to no contact. You need to focus on yourself.
Finally, if your ex cheated on you, why would you want him back anyway? Sure, it hurts, but have some self-respect. You deserve to be treated far better than that. It's his loss, not yours.
Question: I am in the no contact period but only two days passed. My ex has already contacted me on the phone and we had a conversation that lasted for one hour. We only spoke about things in general and didn't discuss our breakup or anything related to it. Is it fine to talk when he was the one who called me?
After that, I was feeling compelled to text him and was left feeling confused as to whether to contact him or to let him contact me.
Answer: You need to think carefully about this. Unless your ex had a specific reason for calling you, there is no justification for you to spend an hour on the phone chit-chatting with him. As you have discovered, this has only served to leave you feeling extremely confused.
You need to question his motives for calling. If he had rung to say that he was extremely sorry, didn't want to break up with you and could you meet up to discuss what had happened, then fair enough. That is logical. However, he didn't do that.
My advice would be not to contact him and to refrain from any further conversations that serve no useful purpose. You are still in a vulnerable state of mind and the last thing you need is to be kept dangling on a piece of string. This only gives you false hope.
Good luck with this.
Question: My ex dumped me after 13 years but keeps texting every couple days to ask me if I'm okay. I have told him that I need my space and will reach out when I am ready. He says he can't stop caring about me instantly but is dating someone new. Should I ignore his texts or respond in a certain way? I just want to move forward with my life.
Answer: This is a classic case of your ex wanting to keep his options open. It also sounds as if you haven’t given him the ego boost he expected, by begging him to come back to you. So well done you!
Despite the situation, you have adopted a mature approach and explained why you don’t want any contact with him at this time. You don’t owe him any further explanation, so don’t respond to these wholly unnecessary text messages.
He is simply looking to weaken your resolve and it is vital that you don’t allow him to manipulate you any further. Re-read the article for guidance and block his phone number. It is also advisable to block him on social media sites also.
Question: My ex and I broke up last week, and I tried pleading with him today, but he says the feelings just aren’t there. Will the no contact rule work?
Answer: It depends on what you expect the no contact rule to do.
Reading between the lines, it seems that you want to get your ex back. While this is perfectly natural, it is not what no contact is about.
The no contact rule is all about you. It will work in the sense that it will help you emerge from a breakup as painlessly as possible. It's about making you emotionally stronger. By all means, start no contact, but please re-read the article to gain a better understanding.
Question: My ex dumped me and said I didn’t enhance his life or make it better. I want to get back together with him. What should I do?
Answer: Firstly, you need to successfully complete at least 30 days of no contact.
If, after this period, you still feel the same way, then you should follow the steps outlined my article 'How to Contact Your Ex After the No Contact Rule': https://hubpages.com/breakups/after-no-contact-rul...
Question: What happens if we are both doing the no-contact rule? My husband cheated and says he feels bad that he hurt me. He said he needs help and time to figure out his mind. He claims he doesn't want to lose me. However, he has not contacted me and I haven't contacted him. What if we are both following the no-contact rule? Can that harm us even more?
Answer: It is usually the injured party who adopts the no-contact rule, as a means of recovering from the breakup. You husband has admitted cheating and advised you he wants some space to figure out what he wants. This is why he has not contacted you.
You should also be using this time constructively, to consider how you feel about his infidelity. Do you truly believe that you can forgive him and, if so, will you ever be able to trust him again? You also need to consider any underlying problems in your marriage and determine if these may have led him to stray.
If you do decide to reconcile, I strongly recommend you both attend marriage counseling, to help you overcome your husband's cheating. In the meantime, use the time wisely and ask yourself if you really want him back.
Question: My girlfriend and I broke up after nine years. Her family did not like me. The relationship went downhill fast, once we got engaged, eight months prior to the breakup. I was verbally abusive as I tried to push her away. I screwed up and made every breakup mistake possible, including yelling and cursing at her whole family. She was barely responding to me, so I started the no contact rule seven days ago. I've heard nothing from her yet. Do I have a chance getting her back?
Answer: No, not unless you address the issues that caused your breakup. It sounds as if your ex had a lucky escape.
You need to seek impartial professional advice and question the following: Why didn't her family like you? What changed after you became engaged? Why were you verbally abusive? Why did you push her away? Why did you blame her family and behave aggressively towards them?
On the face of it, you appear insecure and controlling. Emotional abuse is often worse than physical abuse. You need to seek professional help to determine why you behaved as you did, and also, how you can prevent the same behavior occurring in the future.
Question: I found out that my ex-boyfriend had an emotional relationship with a girl at work. When I broke up with him, he had sex with her. Knowing what I know, should I stop talking to him for good? I feel like he wants the other girl, and he hasn’t shown any interest in fixing the relationship.
Answer: Many people believe that you have to have sex to commit adultery. This is not true. As you have highlighted, being unfaithful to your partner has many disguises, and this includes forming an emotional attachment to someone else.
Even though you broke up with him, this is one occasion when you can and should implement no contact. Your gut is telling you that he wants this other girl, and he hasn't shown any interest in getting back together with you.
It's time to let him go and move on with your life.
Question: Should I tell my ex about the no contact rule? So we are both aware of it?
Answer: Yes, if you are still communicating with your ex, it is sensible to let them know that you need to take some time out, to gather your thoughts. Remember, no contact is all about you and is not a means of punishing your ex.
If you are not in contact, there is no need to let them know, as it will have no immediate impact on them.
Question: I have six kids with my ex, and we had been together for twenty years. He went straight into a new relationship with another woman the day he left me. It's only been two weeks since this happened, and I can't even think about the no contact rule. I know we won't get back together, but I still need to see and call him. How can I start the no contact rule in my situation?
Answer: I'm sorry to say this, but I doubt very much that your ex started a relationship with another woman on the very day he left you. In reality, he has probably been involved with this woman for some considerable length of time. You don't walk away from a 20-year relationship and six kids at the drop of a hat. Please don't allow yourself to be in denial over this.
When children are involved, you obviously need to have some contact with your ex. This is typically referred to as a modified form of no contact. So, the only communication that occurs relates solely to the welfare of your children or any joint financial matters that you have. Nothing else.
All other conditions stay the same. Don't make excuses to contact him and certainly don't use your children as pawns. Twenty years is a long time, but focus on the new opportunities that this affords you.
Question: Two weeks before we were due to get married, my fiancé called it off following an intense fight. We love each other very much, but every time we see each other, it ends in a fight. There is a lot of hurt and resentment on both sides. He still wants to marry me but wants relationship counseling first. However, I feel that I need some space in the hope it sheds light on everything. I want to do 30 days no contact. What do I do if he calls me to go to counseling before the 30 days is up?
Answer: In fairness, your fiancé does appear to be adopting a mature and responsible approach to your relationship. He doesn't want to throw away what you have and is prepared to take steps to make it work.
Equally, you want to take some time out to think things through.
Your situation is more suited to a modified form of no-contact. If you want, you can attend the counseling sessions while maintaining no-contact outside of these times. However, your counselor may advise differently. If you feel strongly about waiting for 30 days, then you should let your fiancé know this, and ask him to make an appointment after this time.
Question: I believe no contact makes you bitter. All it does is bring out the worst in people, and doesn't heal at all. What are your thoughts?
Answer: Bitterness and resentment arise as a consequence of the breakup. No-contact detaches the individual from the person whose actions precipitated these toxic emotions. Its purpose is to heal and rebuild self-esteem. Time is often the greatest healer, but taking positive steps to accelerate the healing process can be extremely beneficial.
Question: I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago. I didn't have any intention of breaking up with him, but he had been secretly seeing and texting another woman. This makes me feel insecure, and I really want him to commit to our relationship and minimize contact with these other women. I even asked him to put our photo in WhatsApp to reassure me, but he simply ignored me. What should I do? Should I implement the no-contact rule? I am totally lost.
Answer: You don't say how long you were together, but it is clear that you want to be in an exclusive relationship, whereas your ex does not. He's not ready to commit and you need to accept this. If you don't, you will continue to feel insecure and potentially worthless.
Your ex is neither ready nor willing to give you what you want. Use the no-contact rule to rebuild your self-esteem. In time, you will find someone who is worthy of your love.
Question: I successfully applied no contact for 20 days. He contacted me, but I didn't reply. Now 8 days have passed since he last sent me a text. I feel I'm ready to re-engage and want to talk to him. I'm in agony in case he doesn't want to get back together. Also, how do I initiate contact?
Answer: What you need to remember is that 30 days no contact is an average duration to recover from a breakup, assuming you have followed it correctly in the first place. Your question implies that you are not emotionally strong enough to re-engage with your ex. You clearly recognize the trauma that his rejection will cause you and this indicates that you are still in a vulnerable state of mind.
I would not recommend you initiate contact with him just yet. Let it run for another few weeks and reassess how you feel then. If he contacts you in the interim, and you feel strong enough to see him, then that has to be your decision. However, please consider how you will feel if he gives you the, 'let's stay friends' spiel, or alternatively, breaks the news that he is seeing someone else. While couples do reunite, don't pin all of your hopes on this happening.
Question: My ex-boyfriend broke up with me earlier this year. Chatting with him on Whatsapp was giving me false hope that maybe, he would want me back, so last week I told him to block me and delete my number. He did it, but now I regret my decision and feel horrible. Is calling him to unblock me a good idea?
Answer: No, is the simple answer to your question.
As you say, you maintained contact with your ex in the hope of getting back together. This is a common mistake which only serves to prolong the pain of the breakup, as you have experienced. The reason you feel horrible is because you are feeling the anguish of the breakup, all over again.
By asking him to block you, you were in effect giving him an ultimatum. You wanted to see if he would actually go through with it. Sadly, he didn't choose you. You also handed him control, by asking him to block you, instead of taking that step yourself.
One of the benefits of the no contact rule is that it stops this type of 'false hope' behavior. At least you've been honest with yourself, about why you kept in touch with your ex. Nonetheless, it is now time to forget about any chance if a reconciliation and move forward with your life.
Question: I had not had any contact with my ex for over a year. Then out of nowhere he shows up. I still love him, but he has a new girlfriend. I want so much to stay away from him and forget all about him. What can I do to make sure he stays away from me?
Answer: There's not a lot you can do to make sure he stays away from you, but YOU can take steps to stay away from him. In short, you follow the no contact rule. Often, an ex makes contact out of curiosity and not to get back together. He has a girlfriend. Focus on yourself and make every day count.
Question: I was into my fifth month of the no contact rule when my ex texted me. I got excited and texted him back, and we ended up meeting. Why does he keep texting me and how do I make him stop?
Answer: You don't say what happened when you met up, but it would appear that he didn't ask you to get back together with him.
It sounds as if he is just making sure that he can reel you in, whenever he wants. He clicked his fingers and you went running. He may have been at a loose end or in between girlfriends. If he genuinely wanted to get back with you, then he would have said.
If you want him to stop texting, then you have several options: don't reply to his texts, block his number, or change yours.
Question: Can you still do no contact rule after a year of breakup, even if you have been talking in between?
Answer: Yes, no contact can be used any time you need to get over your ex.
Question: I had four dates with a nice man I met online. On the fourth date, he said he wanted us to go our separate ways. I said ok. However, he keeps looking at my online dating profile. Why is he doing this?
Answer: He may not be doing this deliberately. Perhaps he has a tab on his web browser open, with your profile on it and it registers that he has been looking at your profile, when he hasn't. Maybe he's checking to see if you're still online and looking for another date. Who knows? Either way, it doesn't matter. He was mature enough to tell you that he didn't see a future for the two of you, now you have to be mature and let him go. If it bothers you that he is looking at your profile, then use the dating site's security options to block him.
Question: After breaking up with my girlfriend, I used the no contact rule for one month. My ex recently joined Facebook and commented on a photo my friend posted of me. She wrote,"never mind." Should I be the first one to make contact now?
Answer: You shouldn't make contact on the basis of that comment alone. You are reading too much into it. Also, your question is a little ambiguous as it is unclear which one of you initiated the breakup. If it was your ex, then ideally, you should let her contact you. In the meantime, stop focusing on social media posts and start enjoying your life!
Question: I have unfollowed my ex on Facebook. Should I unfriend too?
Answer: Ideally, yes. Accept that it's over and this person no longer has a part in your life.
Question: I’m the bad one in the relationship who hurt him, but can I still do this no contact?
Answer: Yes. However, the person who instigated the breakup usually does this automatically. If you have no intention of getting back together with him, then you should leave him alone.
Question: I was following a "no contact" rule for 4 days after my breakup and on the 5th day, she contacted me. I did not reply, but after 2 days, which is today, I called and chatted. Was it a mistake?
Answer: In short, probably yes. Unless you are following a modified form of no contact, which is essential if you have children together or perhaps joint financial assets, there is absolutely no need to contact your ex.
The main issue for you is how you feel right now and whether or not the conversation gave you false hope. People reconcile all the time and no contact is not suitable for each and every breakup. Nonetheless, what you need to ask yourself is: why you chose to follow no contact and what you hoped to achieve in doing so. If you still consider that it is the right option for you, then you'll need to start again from day 1. Good luck!
Question: My ex cheated on me with another woman in our sports club. The club means a lot to me and is a big part of my life. This makes no contact tricky. What should I do?
Answer: Ideally, you should not frequent places where you know he may be. However, I appreciate that this appears to punish you for what he did.
Firstly, ask yourself how you would feel if you saw your ex or the other woman at the club. If you do not feel emotionally strong enough, then give the club a wide berth for now.
When you are ready to go back, avoid times when he is likely to be there and try and take a friend with you for moral support.
Question: My boyfriend broke up with me one week ago. I think about him constantly, and wonder if he is as sad as I am. How can I stop using all my energy on him?
Answer: You can do this by following the no contact rule and putting all of your energy into yourself.
Question: I'm on my first day of the no contact rule. I want to get back with my ex, and so I am trying to revive her feelings for me. What should I do if she calls me?
Answer: As a general rule, no contact should only be used as a last resort, and shouldn't be put into effect after every single disagreement. It is perfectly natural for couples to argue and to work their way through their problems. No contact should never be used to punish your ex, and it is unclear if this is why you have chosen to implement it.
Remember, no contact is all about helping you heal during the breakup process, after dialogue has ceased.
Without knowing more details about your breakup, it is difficult to advise you. You are only on your first day, yet are anticipating receiving a phone call from your ex. This suggests that you don't think the breakup is permanent.
If you are maintaining no contact for the right reasons, then my advice would be to stick to this. However, if you feel that you and your ex can talk through your differences, then this is usually the best course of action to take.
Question: He left me two weeks ago, and our wedding is in May. We have known each other for 40 years, and have lots to sort out. How can I go 30 days no-contact with the wedding date so close?
Answer: In short, you can't. If he's left you so close to your wedding day, then it sounds as if he is having second thoughts about getting married and may want to call everything off. However, it's unclear if you are assuming that the wedding will go ahead as planned.
You need answers. If the wedding is to be cancelled, then you will need to commence the cancellation process as soon as possible. Give yourself a week or so, to come to terms with this, then you will need to reach out to him to agree what needs to be done and who is going to do it.
Question: I have had no contact with my ex-girlfriend for seven weeks. She rang last night to have a go because her friend is not speaking to her. Is it an excuse?
Answer: Quite possibly. I'm uncertain as to why she holds you responsible for her friend's actions. Nonetheless, people make up all kinds of excuses as a reason for contacting their ex.
Question: I have two kids who are staying with my wife. Can I contact her about the kids? Should I call her or message her or just use the kids as a proxy? The children are aged 8 and 4.
Answer: In these circumstances, which are quite common, you cannot avoid contacting your ex about the welfare of your children. Therefore, you need to adopt a modified form of no contact. This means only contacting your ex to arrange access to see the children or to discuss any matters regarding their welfare. Don't use excuses to make contact just so you can speak to her or check up on her.
Your children are far too young to act as go-betweens. In any event, it is never a good idea to put them in this position. It places undue pressure on them at a time when they are trying to come to terms with the breakup of their family.
Question: My ex-boyfriend and I go to the same school, and I'm trying the no-contact rule with him. Will it work? Will he come back?
Answer: You don't say how old you are, but if you are still in school, then you really shouldn't be dwelling on this. Dating is a process of trial and error. It helps you discover which character traits you like and which you don't. You will have dates with other boys and also experience more breakups. It is all part of life.
With regards no contact, it will be difficult as you are likely to see him in school. You should also not be doing this because you think it will get him back. No contact is all about helping you get through the breakup.
If you are hurting, minimise contact with your ex and hold your head up high if he walks past. Focus on your studies, your family, and friends. Don't dwell on the past. You have a great future ahead of you.
Question: Following my divorce 1 year ago, 3 months later I tried the no contact with my ex-wife, which did not last long. I still help her with day-to-day stuff and she texts me all the time, sending me pictures of our daughter or asking me to come over to help her with stuff around the house. Should I stop doing that? She says she doesn’t want to reconcile but she wants to be good friends with me.
Answer: You have a daughter together and it is vital that you maintain a dialogue with your ex. You should also assume your share of the childcare responsibilities. It's a positive sign that your ex is sending you photos of your daughter so that you are still actively involved in her life.
What I'm a little concerned about, is you "doing stuff around the house." If it's for your daughter's benefit, then all well and good. If it's not, then you need to consider saying no. Your ex cannot cherry-pick which parts of you she wants and doesn't want. Keep yourself busy and don't rush around there at a drop of a hat unless, of course, your daughter's welfare is at stake.
Question: My boyfriend of 1.5 years broke up with me recently. He wants to do no contact. Unfortunately, we are co-captains of a co-ed team together, and we play all of the same sports. We’ll be seeing each other up to four times every week, and traveling to camps and tournaments together several times a year.
How is this even going to work? What should I do?
Answer: Firstly, I'm surprised that your ex says he wants to maintain no contact. Typically, it is for the person who has been dumped. What exactly does he hope to gain from it? Unless you have been stalking him, which doesn't seem likely, then it's an unusual step to take.
You are in an awkward situation, and you shouldn't feel pressurised into giving up your sporting activities. You will need to carry out a modified form of no contact. This is usually what people do if they work together, have children, or have joint financial assets.
Keep contact to an absolute minimum and only speak to him if it is absolutely necessary. Same rules apply. Don't stalk him and don't make excuses to speak to him. It's going to be difficult as you will see him on a regular basis. Unless one of you finds a different team, that's all you can realistically do.
Question: Me and my wife broke up last year although we kept in touch. She says she wants to fix things but something does not add up. I want to introduce the no contact rule. Should I tell her or just cut links between us?
Answer: This is a tricky one as you do not say if you have children together or any joint financial assets or liabilities. If you do, then you will need to adopt a modified form of no contact.
As you have been keeping in touch with your ex, it would only be polite to let her know that you want a clean break for a short while. Explain that this is something that you need to do for yourself and is not intended as a punishment for her.
Question: My ex boyfriend and I work in the same office and I am in the no contact period. I will have to see him every day. I am avoiding him completely. Is there anything in particular that I should keep in mind?
Answer: Yes. You must maintain a professional attitude at all times. The last thing you need is to lose your job. Ideally, don't discuss him, or what he did, with any of your work colleagues and never, ever, discuss personal matters during working hours. Focus solely on your work.
This may also be the impetus you need to look for a new job or undertake training, with career advancement in mind.
Question: My ex-girlfriend has a new partner. We broke up a month ago. Should I implement the no-contact rule?
Answer: Yes, if you are still struggling to come to terms with your breakup. Your ex has moved on and you need to find a way to do the same.
© 2011 C L Grant
Your Comments Are Most Welcome!
Covidapdap on June 12, 2020:
After 4months from break up. Suddenly my ex called and he doesnt say anything.. like he is just listening my voice . What does it mean?
Hero on January 22, 2020:
I used no contact rule- it's for the best - for the perfectly right reason and when you do something right you feel good. Specially, If I do this I hurt only myself (which is sad- but it's a courageous action ) but at least I know I save everyone else in the long term.
It hurts starting day 1, 2 and then 3 and continue the process - there are times it hurts more than others, but as time goes by you keep busy, keep active and involve with other positive aspects of your life. It gets better and better and better and after many days....your heart will heal and then you feel stronger and stronger and so proud of yourself to make yourself stronger. So don't let you weakness, fear, loneliness fool you - they don't last. Your inner strength will win and some days when you look back you said - thanks God, I've saved myself from so much trouble and heartache. No contact rule is just a short term heartache. So don't be afraid.
From experience of a heart break. I am the one who use the no contact - I am the one who calls off this not right relationship.
Best of luck. Love yourself by doing that.
Dy from Alcalá de Henares, Spain on January 04, 2019:
I had a crush with an English teacher who was lovely and endearingto me. Then he asked me twice to hAng out but i wasnt available and messed up everything. He then gave me the cold shoulder, belittling me and showing in class some emojis I'd sent him, saying i was his spam. He flirted with every silly girl till I stopped attending with some nice pretexts. Then I snidely led him to believe I'd send him more photos, but finished by asking him to not repeat his ill-bred performance because it showed he didn't know whom he was dealing with (a dignified lady). He got furious and cut off our communication. I said farewell, but about a month later tried to be more conciliatory without results. So now I'm applying the No Contact with great suffering but strictly. I realize he is a jerk but i still like him a lot.
Brie on November 01, 2018:
Each day is excruciating to get by during the start of the no contact rule. It is painful as you try not to get in touch with them. I'm so hurt because we used to talk to each other everyday and sharing our day and problems, and all of a sudden it all stopped. Felt like silence and emptiness was bigger than anything else.
Dany on September 14, 2018:
My ex ask for some space so i helped her move out i had rent a car to move her things in the new apartment. I helped her fix the apartment even gave her cash to pay the rent cause she did had no money one of our big problems. Our relationship was going trough rough stages. O.k after all that she decide to cut strings totally i panicked try to get things back but did not help! We were busy with building a house and i am an engineer so i am busy finishing all plans etc. So the only contact we have is for that i got like 30 days without talking to her i am applying the no contact rule. But will it help to get her back i have been doing great working on myself
AJSimpsonx on September 12, 2018:
Yeah this is spot on. Many people make the mistake of making exceptions for the no contact rule. Remember, no contact means absolutely no contact. Doesn't matter if they really want to talk to you, don't give in!
Blindsided on August 03, 2018:
My girlfriend on 1.5 years abruptly (and seemingly reluctantly) ended our relationship 5 days ago literally the day after we returned from a fun two week vacation with her family who I am also very close with. We are all shocked. She was even calling me "babe" the night before in texts. Anyways, she asked me to let her go, we cried in each other's arms for ten minutes as we hugged goodbye, and she said she still loved me and was heartbroken to break it off. Um...okay. I did contact her sister and brother in law to tell them how much I love and appreciate their acceptance of me and have written a goodbye letter to her mom that I have not yet sent as I did not get a chance to say it in person . I have not contacted her and plan on not for 30 days, but in all honesty I feel entitled to at least give her another chance to reconsider. I realize that I am probably just in the throws of accepting a dying relationship. Is it really a bad idea to send a goodbye to her family? Her brother in law wants to meet for a beer. Is that also breaking the no contact rule?
Asia9 on July 08, 2018:
I had a drawn out breakup but the communication ceased 2 weeks ago. I found out he was going through a divorce that ended 5 months into our relationship. We had been together for 17 months. Even though we had already broken up when I found out, we were trying to be friends and I confronted him. I was civilized on my end and only wanted an explanation. He blew up and asked that I never contact him again nor reached out to him at all. Prior to this he explained he may have a serious medical issue. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him but I am concerned with how he is doing. What would you suggest?
SadLady on July 02, 2018:
I was in a relationship with my best friend for two years. We got engaged four months ago. He lives in the United States and I live in Canada. He can’t come to Canada which made it very difficult. I saw him every weekend with my two children. We wanted to get married so that I could live there and not have to travel. Our relationship got strained for various reasons and he ended it. Neither of us cheated and he knows me to be a very loyal and loving person. We did everything together. He has tried to remain in contact and I’m finding it difficult. I have started no contact as of one week ago. I unfollowed him and his family and his friends on Facebook. He has sent three separate texts. One was just an article that I sent to simple reply “thanks”
The second was asking for my address ( I thought because he was sending me my stuff back )
So I simply replied with the address. The third was him letting me know that he has sent me something in the mail that I’m not expecting because he thought of me. I replied with a simple thumbs up emoji. He loves my stuff on Facebook and I know that he loves me but he doesn’t believe we are right for each other. Why does he send me things? I love him and want to get back together but I’m curious as to why he’s doing this
Roxy on June 03, 2018:
Hey i finished the no contact rule. A week ago i got a call from my ex i didnt know it was him as for i didnt know the number he then said something i couldnt make out , he changed the tone of his voice i thought it was creepy and said wrong number. I then made my number private and called back the next day well it was his work number and he picked up.
Well the thing is he has a girlfriend and they have a child .
We also have child together.
Im at the nxt step where i must send him a letter or text after no contact but im scared she will find it . And how do i ask him to go drink coffee with me while they always together. Advice pls
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on April 08, 2018:
Do you know why your boyfriend wants to break up with you? Did you talk this through with him?
If he is refusing to see you, then there is little you can do. Yes, do not contact him and follow the no contact rules. Good luck!
priya on April 08, 2018:
hi there. my boy friend wanted to breakup with me. now this problem is going on all most 3 moths. I initially stooped contacting him for almost one month. he said he will give a chance to meet me. but now he is not giving a chance to see him again. what should i do now. Stop contacting him again
Rachel on March 13, 2018:
Hello, I used the no contact rule with an ex-boyfriend and it worked perfectly. We went our separate ways for a while, which allowed me to heel (he broke up with me) and later got back in touch and now we're actually good friends. But the thing is, I was never head over heels in love with the aforementioned boyfriend, which I think made it a lot easier in the end.
But how about when you need closure from someone whom you weren't actually in a relationship with? Last year, I fell in love with this guy who was also interested in me, but not in that same way (he had a girlfriend at the time, in a sort of open relationship). There was A LOT of flirting and I know I shouldn't have gotten involved with him, but I was too weak to resist it and we were together a few times. He eventually broke up with his girlfriend, but because he met someone else, which shattered my heart. He is now in a loving exclusive relationship and, although we kept in touch, nothing physical ever happened again. The whole thing started over a year ago and I am still obsessed with him and still feel attracted to him when we meet (which is very rare). I had hopes we could still be friends, since I enjoy talking to him and he's already helped me when I needed it. He also never broke contact, which I believe shows he wants to stay friends too. But I still get anxious when waiting for a reply from him and really nervous if I actually meet him in person, so I still need closure. I didn't write for two months one time and one month another time and still all the same feelings came back in exactly the same way when contact was restored (either by him or by me). I don't want him to disappear from my life, but I still don't know how to deal with his presence.
What should I do?
Thank you so much!
a on January 11, 2018:
Thank you for this article. I am currently going through this heartbreak, and needed this guidance.
james bond on November 11, 2017:
hi, recently my ex gf is broke with me for another guy, but looking at him he is not matured and looks unattractive, still, she enjoyed his company. what can I do? I follow no contact rule??
Freya on November 06, 2017:
I want to talk to my ex for closure. I broke up with him because his behaviour was unacceptable but then he went to jail. I have so many questions about what happened the weekend leading up to our break up which also resulted in him landing himself in prison and I have reason to believe he may have cheated on me during this time but I'm unsure. I'm so confused. I loved him, we were supposed to get married but since he went to prison 6 weeks ago I have blocked all contact from him and his family because I needed time to process. Now I feel like I miss him and I cant imagine me moving on with someone new but he has created so many problems and as I said I have no idea if he has been faithful. If he has then part of me feels we could work through things, but I don't know if his brother has been getting women to write to him while hes been in jail to ease the heartbreak of us finishing. I'm really confused because I could contact him and he could be angry at me or even might have met someone else or I could drag myself back into what felt like it was becoming an abusive relationship. HELP
Katherine Gordon on October 14, 2017:
This guy was really sweet but bombarded me from the start. Texting calling relentlessly. I got to liking him and feeling secure with him and it felt wonderful. All the sudden he became insecure, dropped the ball and behaved indifferent. This was over the course of just 14 days. I decided to end what ever this was.....He did bring me hope and joy that life is worth living to the fullest every day. The connection felt real but too fast too unbearably much for me.
Jack on October 05, 2017:
I've been executing the "no contact rule" for 103 days now. My ex made it very clear that she did not want to talk to me again, and she has made no effort to do so, yet. I haven't contacted her yet, aswell as deleted her from all forms of social media, if she does not text me first, which I doubt she will, how long should I wait to talk to her?
DMM on September 15, 2017:
Hi, I was in a long distance relationship for about 8 years, we were able to see each other a couple times a year and the rest of the time we would skype to be together. We had a fight during our conversation in viber message a couple days ago, and well, I am not sure if we broke up, but we have not been talking to each other. I had planned a travel to go see him and I do not know if I still should go to see him. Should I? Maybe talk to each other in person, I do not know. Thanks in advance.
Lish on September 12, 2017:
My situation is quite the opposite. My friend has confessed feelings he has harboured for quite some time. I unfortunately do not feel the same way and proceeded to tell him wirh as much tact
I hoped to do the no contact as it has worked for me in numerous occassions but also hoped not to lose them as a friend. I however did not initiate contact for 2months.
When he did though he wanted to check whether I felt any different as he believed I should give him a chance. I stated nothing has changed abd honestly explained it had nothing to do with him personally but I harboured no romantic feelings. I suggested that it would be easier not to be friends as he kept on hoping to stick around and change my mind.
I proceeded to end the friendship on this grounds but he is determined more than ever to stay in my life. He talks with my parents often which annoys me now. He even surprised me on my birthday and proceeded to behave atrociously towards my company despite having said I wasn't planning any party.
I have since then explained how that was uncalled for and reiterated my disinterest further to remain friends.
He seems determined even more than before. I have a partner now but as I don't flaunt this, his continued presence is a bother. How do I have a clean break from thus person?
Thanks for your respons inadvance
realtalk247 on August 20, 2017:
Great points. Talking to your ex can also cause you to continue to be tied emotionally to someone who was not connected to you. Taking time to move on, find yourself, and begin healing is definitely needed.
Reaching out, even years have passed, can cause you to falsely romanticize the person that was the conductor of your pain. The past is the past for a reason.
nlk on August 13, 2017:
thank you from the bottom of my heart
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on August 13, 2017:
Thanks for your comment. It's difficult to respond specifically without knowing you and your ex. My best advice would be to wait until making further contact. You do need to work on yourself and why you feel so insecure in your relationship. If you address this, then you will probably find that your mood increases also. While we all want to feel needed and loved, it is human nature to feel suffocated by someone who is needy.
Also, have a read of my latest no contact hub which is "7 Dumb Mistakes People Make After No Contact." This will help you to recognize some basic mistakes to avoid.
Best of luck and keep smiling!
nlk on August 12, 2017:
My girlfriend broke up with me on 17th July with an excuse/intention of taking pause and saying she doesn't want to be in no contact so that we both could know that everything's fine. 3rd or 4th day I was really desperate and needy and sent her like 20 SMSes in that tone which just pissed her off even more. After that I'd only reply to her texts and that was the 1st week till I realized that she needed space.
She was really really angry because the last month of our relationship I was almost abusing her, taking her for granted, sometimes being jealous on the things that didn't even existed - to cut things short I was at my worst and a lot of new things were happening in my life in a short period of time. We were only together for 4 months but it was very intense. We've met each other whole families and introduced each other to our friends for the first time, which was especially big for her. Also she never brought any boy home or even made a habit of him sleeping over which were the normal things. If we exclude this 6-7 fights that we had, we were really happy. Had an amazing chemistry and overall compatibility as human beings. Of course she never opened up to anyone like she did to me and vice versa. Now, after 2 weeks of this on/off no contact (we would only text each other every 3-4 days) we've met on 31st July and broke up for real. At first she was cold (and I was weak trying to stay strong) but when we got to her house to pick up my stuff and say goodbye to everyone she started crying and basically fell to pieces with the last words:"I can't believe I came with one feelings, now I have the opposite. I don't believe this the end of us..." So I accepted the reality and tried to move on. And then got her text on 6th August. She wanted to see me. In the evening I called and we agreed I'd come in 2 weeks (20th August) because of our schedule. Day after my bus came earlier and I texted her if she could meet me for a quick talk before her work cause the bus station is near her workplace. We talked lightly, laughed, were positive, although she was more nervous and hugged me out of the blue and ran away to work and on the last step she turned to see if I was still there which I was. That was the last contact on 7th August.
Now my question is: should I ignore her and our agreement about my stuff (which I don't need) and do the 30 day NC till 7th September or do some kind of shorter version or even something else? Because on some other places I've seen advice like don't do the full NC if you did it on and off before.
So 20th August would be a month and some change of our break up, or 20 days from real cutoff. Now I know that I've been weak (before and after the breakup) and stupid and I feel sorry for her like a person because she's a good girl, hardworking and caring for everyone. She didn't deserve that kind of behavior, but also I'm aware what I've done and my mind is clearer than ever and I'm having these great happy changes exclusively because of me - because I don't want to be cranky or bad-tempered like I sometimes was in the past. And that's a big step for me. I've really opened up to people, started exercising meditating, laughing more and of course I know that I don't need anyone to make my life full. It would only be a shame because we have a chance for making it even more beautiful together if we'd give it a shot one more time. But also I'm prepared for any outcome. I see both paths I can take and I'm totally fine with both of them. I only want this to have an ending, so that's my only confusion.
Sorry for the essay
hope You'll respond
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on June 25, 2017:
Sorry to hear about your breakup.
You've approached this in a mature way and attempted to resolve your differences before breaking up. Although no contact is hard, it becomes less painful in the long run. The alternative is to keep hoping for a reconciliation and to jump every time your ex clicks his fingers. You must continue to respect yourself and establish boundaries. Better to find out now than later, when you are married and have a young family.
You have an exciting time ahead with med school. Focus on that and the opportunities that it will give you. Please don't fret about being in your 30's. You are still a spring chicken and have plenty of time to find true love. My instinct tells me that your ex will soon realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side and may want to come back. You need to think long and hard about whether he is the right man for you, and if you want him back in your life.
Remember, success is the greatest form of revenge. Focus on creating the best you and the best life that you possibly can
Take care and good luck!
Emma on June 24, 2017:
I'm so glad I came across your page today. I believe you given some really solid advice and I'm definitely going through a difficult time. My ex and I have been broken up for 5 days after being together for 9 years. We lived together for 5 yrs until last September when he got a job promotion and took a job out of state. I was in the process of finishing my degree and we agreed it would be best if I stayed. I decided to apply to med school and was accepted in a different state where our house is and where he was stationed. We agreed I go and that we would make things work. 3 weeks after I left for school my ex was transferred back to our hometown and back in our house. We were fine the first three months with me doing all the traveling to see him. He made the excuse often that he doesn't get two days off in a row to travel and I'm 7 hours away. I felt him become distant in April but he also told me that he was ready for marriage. We agreed that It would be best that he move where I am at until I finish school and I thought we were all set. I went to visit him in May to find he now had a roommate and he had removed my photos from the living room. He brushed me off when I asked if he was seeing someone and had them at our home. While I was home I found out he has been hanging with a new female coworker after work and they go drinking and clubbing. He had never mentioned her before and felt that our introduction while I was home was appropriate. She was overly flirtatious with him in front of me and he didn't stop it. I became upset and said we should end things. He told me that I was the only person for him and he wants to be together forever and asked for another chance. I gave in and returned to school. He became unavailable not answering calls and for weeks we went back and forth about his consistency and effort. We went on vacation and when he returned home disappeared again. Finally when I demanded this week that he respect me and put in effort my calling he said that he wanted to breakup because this relationship and my nagging about his effort is stressing him out and causing us both unhappiness. I explained that if we break up it's for good and to think it through. He said he is sure he wants to break up and live his life and he deserves to be happy. He said he will always love me and wants to remain friends. No contact has been really hard and I'm in a lot of pain as we are in our 30s and I thought we were headed towards a long future together.
Ital Bobbio on June 17, 2017:
Shortest version of a loooong story. We met in 1990 and immediately hit it off. We were 2.5 hours apart. She moved to me in '92 for a year, didn't like my town and she moved back. We stayed together. I moved to her in '94 until '96 when we broke up.We both had young children, so the back and forth was killer. The odds were against us and we both knew it. We did have a serious issue along the way that never really got resolved. I apologized deeply for it, but truly there was plenty of blame to go around. I maintained some contact with her child from afar since I'd practically grown up with him.
Fast forward to 2006 when she contacted me out of the blue. I'd healed at that point. We spent about 6 months together long distance as we had before. We kind of just stopped doing it. I don't really remember why. I was disappointed, but not deeply hurt. It gets better.
Fast forward to 2015. She contacted me again. We began spending serious time in 2016. We discussed the future. Most of our logistic issues were behind us. Our kids are adults now. We talked about a future and planned how to best spend it. We agreed that her moving here was the best option. We laid out retirement plans since it's only now 5 - 7 years away. We discussed our "big" issue from 25 years ago. She said she'd gotten over it and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We got engaged last Xmas eve. We haven't had much time together, VERY opposite schedules but constantly discussed it realizing that when she move here in fall '17 all would be resolved. We planned a vacation this summer and were making lists of what stuff we'd be keeping from each of our households. All this until mid-May, last month.
In the space of a couple of days she stopped all communication. We had Memorial Day weekend plans. I didn't panic, but did send 2 texts asking if all was OK? I called twice and it went to VM. I waited 10 days or so. She texted, "I'm so very sorry, I just don't want to do this". I wrote her a letter describing what I could only guess the barriers were and told her though I was shocked I'd rather see her happy without me than less than happy with me. She texted she'd call on approx. 5/23, but never did.
I haven't attempted to reach her since. Anyone have insight? I sure don't. 27 years off and on. Sort of a weird dance we've had all this time. In our off times I have loved other women, so I know I can do that. Still, she's my #1 and I miss her and our future tremendously. Help!!!
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on June 16, 2017:
Thank you Matty. Much appreciated!
Matty Navarro from New Jersey on June 16, 2017:
I am sharing this on my Facebook page. Great advice!
Maria on June 11, 2017:
Day 2. He sent twenty texts and nine voice mails so far Maybe three of them are concern that I may be sick or dead but not really because he can drive to my home in five minutes. I know this is not supposed to be about revenge, and I'm never going back, but after four years of being a doormat, if his anxiety is half of what mine was, I am pleased.
Ital Bobbio on June 04, 2017:
I'll try to condense this. Met her in 1990. Had a 6 year relationship. We lived 2 hours apart. She moved here, I moved there. Young children we both had created obstacles to anything permanent. We had been engaged thinking we could work all the moving parts out. We couldn't. We split in 1996. There was the logistical issue and one BIG issue where we both screwed up. I was devastated and probably didn't handle things ideally. Nothing regarding the law, but serious nonetheless.
Fast forward to 1996. I lightly contacted her after 10 years of NC. We spent about 6 months dating etc. It sort of fizzled and neither of us was particularly upset. Still, I was a bit frustrated and didn't contact her, nor did she in return.
Fast forward to March 2016. She contacted me out of the blue. We've spent the last 14 or so months together. All of our children are grown and on their own. We discussed a future and how it might look. We got engaged again at Xmas '16. The plan was she would move here. All this was discussed with every consideration of how we both felt and the ramifications of everything involved. She was eagerly on board and concrete plans were in place. Ex: What to keep of each's stuff, possible jobs for her here (which wouldn't be pressing. I have it handled), vacation in July, etc. and the fact that after all that time we're fortunate to have found each other again.
May 11 she texted "I'm so very sorry. I just don't want to do this." I was floored. I called and texted twice asking to speak. Call to VM, answer to text was I'll call you 5/27. No call. In the meantime I'd sent a letter basically saying I could possibly imagine what her reasons were, but was baffled she'd cut me off entirely. I sort of gave her an out in the letter, honestly stating I'd rather have her happy without me than less than happy with me. That was the last contact and would have been about two weeks ago.
I've loved other women during our years long breaks, so I know I can do that. Still, she's special in my mind over 27 years and I really would love to keep this, though I know it's not in my control. Curious... thoughts? Thanks.
Brian on May 25, 2017:
I know the no contact period is for self, i'm looking at it and executing it that way. However I can't fool myself, personally my belief is eventually whatever happens happens. My ex is a great catch, she's older than me. I am 23. Our sex life was amazing. We broke up Oct. 3rd of last year. We last had sex this year late Feb. We both have seen or are seeing other people currently. She is adamant that we'll never be together again. I believe she thinks she has summed me up. To a super clingy, irresponsible guy. I didn't have stable job in our relationship which I think was the root of our problems. I'm looking forward to healing and time for myself. I'm taking my flaws serious, and facing them head on until i'll improve. I'd be lying if said I said I don't want to start fresh with her. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. There is an old quote that says if the love is real set it free, if the love returns it was always yours. So I understand reconciled exes who end up making it are definite anomalies, even rare. I wholeheartedly rationally believe and feel my ex and I are the unique exception. Our compatibility was unusually intense, roughly for at least the first two months, our relationship was magic then. Basically what i want to know is how long should enter no contact for? Having never done it before with this individual. I'd like to ideally make a strong impression. So is a year is in the ballpark or when i feel i'm 100% insight? I'd like appreciate your insight. Also if she initiates contact, then what? Just completely undermine her?
jackson on May 19, 2017:
I didn't know about the no contact rule ,what do I do now that I've already contacted her?
Anon on October 23, 2016:
This Scorpio is on day 6 of my initiated no contact. It was easy at first, but I'm wavering now. I must keep silent....30 days is my goal
lonely on October 16, 2016:
My boyfriend and I did not break up. we dated for a month and a half. After he lost his job. A week later he stop texting and calling me. I would do all the texting and calling, and I would make the suggesting to meet up and hang out. He begin to get frustrated because he could not find and job. he begin to get distant. I would give him space for two to three days. When I text him he would be happy to hear from me. He would even text me back. Then he would get distance again. So I decided to do the nc. I did it for a week, so i contact him. He was glad to hear from me. He text me back asking if everything okay. but i didnt text him back. the next day. i wanted to see him and spend sometime. but i text him and told him that i already had plans. because i did not want him to reject me or give me an excuse. So I am back to the nc. It has been 7 days and I have not heard from him. will the nc work. Im 47 and he is 52. Any suggestion.
Danielle on September 15, 2015:
I asked my boyfriend if he loves he said he doesn't know if he loves me?i broke it off completely! He already has told he loves me I'm the past but feelings have changed due to our fights .we have had some break ups during our year together and I have always been the piece maker now i have had enough he takes no blame and now this.I started the No Contact day 5 was it the right thing?
Pain on April 05, 2015:
I need help. I dates this girl for two years. Just to put things in perspective. She is the type of person that needs her space. I always invaded her privacy and life. We would break up most of the time because i would overdo it without giving her space cuz i was scared to lose her.
Two weeks ago she started talking to a guy. She told me straight up. I cried and i begged her to not leave me. I would blow up her phone. I even blackmailed her with stuff shes done in the past cuz i felt like i got screwed over cuz i got her the job and she fell in love with a co worker.
That being said. I still want her back not cuz of the reasons people think but because shes actually a nice girl honestly and my best friend. I think shes just confuse. I think her whole family hates me and i think she does.
We hanged out one last day told me i was the love of her life but that i wouldn't change and she wants to look forward. How do i apply my NC in this situation and would it still work no matter what situation ur in?
Po_xy on January 30, 2015:
First of all i will tell you shortly my story, maybe you can understand better what happened because i don't.
I was studying abroad for 1 year and before leaving i started looking for information about the city and a place to live etc.. so i realised i have someone on my friendlist that lives pretty close and i contacted him so we started to talk more often, nothing special just friends talk. When i moved there after some days he asked me if i don't want to go to his city and meet him, but i didn't feel comfortable yet to go alone in a new country meeting someone i don't know. Anyway after 2 months of living there we kept talking and he said he could come visit me if i want so i agreed, and we meet, it was kind of awkward but it felt nice, after couple of week he came again and so on, so i guess we started "dating" he told me i was the first woman he's ever been with. We went on holidays together and keep seeing until i came back to my country, followed that it was couple of months of silence, he wasn't fine with long distance relationship and i didn't felt like forcing him to continue with me if he didn't felt like. But one day we started talking again firstly as friends and after some weeks he told me he can come see me on winter holidays, i was happy in a way because i care so much about him and the fact that he freely decided to continue really gave me a huge dose of optimism. We talked about future holidays, he even said he would take classes in a future to learn my launguage. 3 weeks before he was supposed to come his dad passed away and we didn't know if he was able to come but in the end he said he needs a distraction so he came. We had the most wonderful days, we didn't spend more than few minutes without holding hands,caressing or kissing or talking, everything went smoothly. The day he left i took him to the airport and then i went to a friend's place because i didn't want to be alone. After he got home in the evening we didn't talk much i assumed he was tired he had to catch up with his family etc, but days were passing by and he wasn't even saying hi unless i was writing to him, i asked what was wrong, he said he has a lot of stress with classes his dad's inheritage and he checked hs callendar and he won't be able to come visit me soon. So i told him i could visit him. But i was barely reciving any reply and one day i bursted out so he finally told me he doesn't want to go on with this that he doesn't feel like he can handle it or that ths doesn't work put for him anymore. I don't understand how in the afternoon we were together and in the evening for him it was already too much. It's been almost a week since then, he is not a sentimental problem and he never liked to talk about feelings and these kinds of things so i didn't get any further information about what happened... I feel so lost because i imagined we could have a future togeher, i'm not a teenager anymore, we're both around 30. The thing that most kills me is that i don't understand the reasons...
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on September 23, 2014:
What you have identified is perfectly correct...people always want what they can't have, which possibly, is why your girlfriend isn't chasing you anymore. However, healthy relationships are a balance of give and take. Your girlfriend shouldn't have to 'chase' you for you to feel wanted. Also, I'm sure she would appreciate it, if you did your fair share of the 'chasing,' from time-to-time also.
Furthermore, I do sympathize with your girlfriend. If your insecurities are causing arguments, then I probably would not want to get in touch with you either.
You need to take control of your insecurities. If they are affecting this relationship, then they will eventually do the same to every other relationship you have, in the future.
No contact would be great to help you become more independent and begin to value yourself more. It should never be used to 'punish' the other party. Therefore, in this case, if your girlfriend does contact you, then I would be inclined to let her know that you are taking some 'time out' as you realize that your behavior is not having a positive effect on the relationship.
Once you begin to feel more independent, and confident about yourself, then you may be ready to get back in touch with your girlfriend.
Best of luck with this.
Don'tknowif... on September 23, 2014:
I don't know if my girlfriend and I have broken up. She says we are still together. She says she love me more than anything, but I must admit I have recently been allowing my insecurities to get the best of me, causing us to argue more and more and now she goes a day or two without talking to me. I was wondering if I should begin the NC for a couple weeks since we are still in a relationship? I just think we need some space so she will miss me. I don't feel like she is chasing me anymore because I am always being insecure.
Marta on September 04, 2014:
My bf of 15 months broke up with me on Sunday. He said he loves me cares for me and don't want to give me up but he has to. Why ? Because i have children. That he had been there before and done it and set up his mind to never do it again. He said he tried to change his mind but he can't....i was crying, begging...said we have a future even if it takes few years..he said no...Decided to go on NC rule straight away...didn't contact him for 3 days but gave up last night. Texted him how he can do it to us if we both love each other etc. No reply from him. Is there any chance he ever change his mind ? Should i stick to no contact rule ? What can i do to get him back ?
Anish Kumar from Mundi Kharar, Mohali, Chandigarh, (Punjab) on August 21, 2014:
That's very nice tips.After breakup,i think it is very difficult to move on.As i have no girlfriend i can't say anymore about this...but seriously your article is very interesting and great.
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on August 18, 2014:
Sorry to hear about your relationship problems. It sounds as if you would benefit from trying 'No Contact,' for a period of time. You will find a lot of guidance in my book, "30 Day No Contact Rule," which is available for download on Amazon (see link above).
He's playing the 'friends' card, and this will never work in your favour...and yes, you are letting him 'have his cake and eat it!' He will not respect or value you if you let him use you as nothing more than a 'booty call.'
He cheated on you and it's not your fault that you feel insecure about the relationship. He also has to accept responsibility for his behaviour. Infidelity is extremely difficult to forgive and forget.
The only complication, as I see it, are his children and any access that you may want to maintain with them. I don't know the details of the custody agreement and whether or not any legal rights were granted to you, or just your ex. Is it possible not to see them for a period of time while you invoke no contact? If not, is there any way that you can see them without your ex having to be there?
The children shouldn't be made to suffer but equally, you need to consider your position and what will happen if he eventually ends up with a new partner. Will you still be able to see the children then?
I cover the No Contact Rule in more detail in my book and this should help you further. However, you would benefit from implementing no contact, as soon as possible, while you gather your thoughts and strengthen your resolve.
Best of luck with this!
tori on August 16, 2014:
I am recently broke up from my ex who I was actually engaged to. We would have hit our two year mark in october. We moved very fast from the start. He cheated on me in November of 2012 with the mother of his children only one short month after we first got together in which I did not find out until months later and then i forgave him. But that did not stop me from constantly nagging and accusing him of things. I caught him in many more lies that involved women none of which I believe he cheated on me with but it really gave me insecurity issues but I always chose to stay. Over time out connection got lost and we ended up going to couples counceling where I felt he just was not trying anymore. I did not feel loved or appreciated. I ended up leaving and it's only been about a month but I have seen him every week and we have relapsed a little but it has always been on his terms. Every time I do not talk to him he says I must be out being a whore or he hates me or he calls me names but the minute I respond he just is really rude. I understand in a lot of ways I pushed him away in the end with my insecurities and accusations and I can't take that back and I am having a hard time thinking that had I trusted him again we would not be here
I know I made the conscious choice to leave but I'm really reflecting on everything as a whole. He says that he wants to be friends first and to have patience because we never were friends before we became lovers. But i feel that is just a way for him to keep me around while he goes and has his freedom. I am seeking counseling as well for additional help to stop blaming myself.. so I guess my question is when I have relapsed already and since he knows if he keeps bugging me i will cave in I'm allowing him to have his cake and eat it too right? What should I do? How would you go about your next steps. It is hard because we are under a lease until October which I have moved out... Also I am very close to his kids that we had won custody of and the mother of his children are no longer around. I took on the role of a mother to them and when I see them they don't want me to go. This has been weighing very heavy on me because I thought this was the man I would marry and he is not fighting for me at all and I just don't know how to go about the situation anymore. Please help!
Alex on June 15, 2014:
I broke up with my boyfriend on 31/5 and the last contact I had with him was the 5/6. We both said some really, really awful things to each other as we both knew the areas that would hurt the most and targetted them. We are both hot head passionate people and small things seem to grow in to large agruements. However when it's good it's near prefection and when we got back (in a matter of days) after a previous break up we both realised it. I don't know if I have a strength for a relationship with him and I have blocked him from my phone etc and I have a feeling he has done the same. However I would like to friends because I really miss that element of our relationship (or perhaps I actually miss more I don't know) .
I need to find an inner calm at present and lick my wounds sort of speak but its hard. Your thought would be welcome. Thanks
Shanmoo on June 14, 2014:
Me and my ex broke up 2 months ago, it was me who ended it initially, which was down to me being depressed and misunderstanding things and overreacting. However when I realised my mistake, he refused to work it out.
We work in the same place and we have been backwards and forwards in contact, but met a few times and had the "talk" about what happened and why. He has blown hot and cold though. He would be affectionate one minute, then next minute saying he wanted us to be friends. I tried, but it didn't work for me, I just ended up chasing after him feeding his ego and getting hurt.
Many of our friends who have been watching and listening to what's going on says it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.
You know we were together 9 months nearly and never fought until that day we broke up. He said the only thing that went wrong was when I got depressed, which was down to me not being well at that time. When I looked at our text messages from that time, it was just 3 weeks out of those nearly 9 months, when it was difficult. There was a reason for that, and that reason is now gone.
I decided to call off the friendship and told him it isn't working for me at this time, but that I will be civil if I see him (highly likely as we work in the same office!). I just want him back. I only just started no contact and already its so hard. Ive been putting positive pictures on my facebook, me out at social events etc. We arent friends anymore, but my profile is public and we have shared friends. I haven't heard anything from him since I wrote to him a week ago to say I couldn't be friends with him.
I often wondered if he is holding some kind of resentment towards me and this is why he wont get back together. Will this now just get worse ?
Dreams on June 05, 2014:
Hi, I was friend with my boyfriend more than 4 years. I had faith in him and believed that we get married. During those years we were happy with each other and didn't have real problem. 4 month ago he said he wants to get married with me, and he said before marriage lets talk about our future life, and things that you expect from me. I really didn't say anything bad to him, whatever we said, we had talked about it before. There was just a social-religious related problem, that I thought he can accept it. But after 3 months talking he said I cannot marry you because we have differences. I was shocked and told him I didn't know you have problem with this matter! OK! I accept the way you want me to be, I do whatever in this matter that you want.
But after that he said there are more differences that we have and will caused us to take divorce after marriage. He told me I am not in his heart anymore! he said I talked badly with him, an he didn't expect it from me.
His family also I know have sth. to do with our marriage! And now they also disagree with our marriage. I think they have some bad influence on him, and take me out of his heart after 4years being together. There is only one thing from the first that was hurting me. that he didn't want non of his friends know about me! He was telling me because we are not sure that we get married, I don't want my friends know about my relationship now.
But after all of these things he was too kind to me until a weak ago that he told me lets break up, your not good enough for me to be my wife and all of these happened because of your mistakes.
Now please tell me what should I have to do? i really love him. I believed him and made all my futures and dreams with him. He is my first love and I want him to be my last and forever love.
please advise me :(
m.steve on May 31, 2014:
My relationship was 4 yrs ..plzz ..feelin was a cry inside me do help ..plzz plzz ..I wil follow yur instruction sincerely ..I need her bck..why she always changing her mind plz plz help..thank u
StayingStong on May 28, 2014:
I met this handsome guy about 7 months ago, It was an instant physical attraction. I met him at my job and he immediately caught my eye. After he visited my job for a few days, the last time he was up there he told me I was a very beautiful women. I said Thank you and we went on. Anyhow we started dating, talking on the phone, texting back and forth and then we ended up having a sexual relationship. I was falling for him and was falling hard. We would see each other every weekend and then all of a sudden he said one day, I think we are getting too used to each other and told me he needed some time. I of course asked why he felt that way and he told me that he was scared and that he didn't want any commitments. I told him that I wasn't looking for a commitment myself, that I liked hanging out with him and that we could just take things day to day. Anyhow it went on like that but i eventually started to notice him getting distant. Phone calls stopped, text messages stopped and we stopped hanging out on weekends. It got to the point where he would only come over if I asked him to or late at night. Or to watch a game or to drink, we stopped having sex and said that we were going to be just friends, but every now and then he would hold me or kiss me but that was it. Anyhow recently, he came over to my house and we were cool you know, he left and said he would be coming back later that night and never showed up. The next day I called him and was pretty upset and told him that he could have called or texted to let me know he wasn't showing up. Anyhow he stood me up twice. So i decided that I was done with him. No more phone calls or texts on my part. The following day he sent an early text message asking if I was at work, and I did not reply, then he called two hours later and I did not answer, I went to lunch and while i was at lunch he showed up to my job and left me a card. Then later called again and I did not answer again so he then sent a text saying that he was sorry for everything and that he would not bother me ever again. I did not reply and that a few hours later he sent another text message. I am very thankful to have met you and thank you for everything. I again did not reply and he called again later that night. I did not answer. Question is, do you think he will call me again?? And is it really over? Don't know what to say to him if I ever talk to him again. At this point i'm so lost and so confused. I have started the NC rule.
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on May 26, 2014:
I'm sorry to hear of the problems that you have been experiencing but it doesn't sound as if your ex really knows what he wants.
Maybe he is under a lot of pressure between work and college, that is understandable, but if he really wanted to see you, then he would make time for you. If he's not prepared to make that commitment, then he's not worth your time and love.
Also, don't just let him walk in and out of your life, as and when it suits him, and whatever you do, don't become his booty call!
You haven't been dating for very long and it's far too early to be talking about loving each other. The feelings you have are most likely to be infatuation, and not love.
Probably the most positive thing you can do, is to just leave him alone and get on with your life. That's essentially what no contact is all about. Keep busy, don't stalk his every move and don't contact him. Concentrate on yourself and your own life.
Take care and good luck!
Help me please on May 24, 2014:
Me and my ex dated for a month in feb. Starting on valentines then broke up because we weren't ever able to see each other. This time we dated in April starting on my birthday and same thing a month later. Both times he was really cold, but last time we started talking again a day later and normal again 3 weeks later but this time he is a lot colder, more distant, and even told me to forget about him. That he won't hate me, he still cares, but we aren't going anywhere. I've contacted him everyday for 2 days after the break up and finally told him I'll talk to him after a while passes, but I've told him that on the day of the break up as well. Right now. I don't know if he still loves me. Because 4 days before the break up he said that I was his everything and he loves me but on break up he said that he doesn't even have time for himself work full time and college and that we weren't going anywhere. What do I do? He's my first boyfriend and I really love him. He has always been so kind and loving but so cold, distant and cruel after a breakup. The 1st break up he was nice the same him about it, but this time he is so cold.
Impatient3 on February 22, 2014:
Great article! I've been following everything you have suggested. I was with someone for about 5 months. Everything was great when we were together, we got along so well, had a lot of fun together, and never fought. Ever. He was so sweet to me, as I was to him. In the beginning he would say stuff like I'm one of the nicest girls he's ever met, never met a girl that can cook, etc. Etc. As time went on, he stopped saying stuff like that. Anyway...
We had the relationship talk, and eventually made it official. It never felt official though because he was always busy with traveling, his job, sports, his friends etc. I always felt second place. Eventually he started acting distant, and said he wasn't ready for a relationship. So we went back to dating. I don't think he was seeing other girls because he barely had time for me. I also know that about 2 months before he met me he just got out of a 2 year relationship. Apparently she lost interest and wasn't too nice to him
So time went on, and I decided I wasn't going to be his "casual girl". I'm 27, I don't have time to wait around for someone to want a relationship with me. So I had a talk with him, mature and calmly of course, no tears (ones that he saw at least haha). I asked him if we were ever going to be in a relationship and that I needed to know where it was going. He said at this point in his life, he's not ready for a relationship and doesn't know when he will be. He said it could be a week, a month, or 6 months. So I told him that I couldn't wait around and I couldn't be his friend or talk to him. He wasn't too happy about it, bit he understood. He said as I was leaving that if he changes his mind or figures things out and wants a relationship, that he'll give me a call.
It's been a little over 3 weeks and I haven't heard anything : ( I haven't called, text, or emailed him. I got rid of stuff that reminds me of him, and I avoid anything that reminds me of him. I even temporarily deleted my Facebook so I don't see anything that has to do with him. I've been keeping myself busy with work, playing the guitar, dieting, exercising, hanging out with friends, etc. I still miss him and I'm wondering if he just completely forgot about me : ( ....what do I do?
u8908 on February 22, 2014:
I forgot to add that our relationship was officially 10 months but the whole things dragged till now which is 1 year and 2 months. based on the way he looked at me and cared for me I know he still loves me but I don't know how to push him toward pursuing it.
In our last conversation, I told him that I had so much more hopes for our relationship than this (our current situation) and i thought it could have been way better than they way it is now. I don't know if it counted as an disadvantage now being in NC with him.
Thank you so much again for the article!
u8908 on February 22, 2014:
Thank you so much for your article. It is very helpful to clear my head of negative thoughts since I have started a NC period with my ex for a week. We broke up last October because there were lots of fights and we weren't on the same pace. He had lots of intense feelings for me which was why all of the fights between us hurt him very badly. At first he asked me for a space which I gave him a few days. Then we were back together for a day and we decided to call it off since he was still hurt and he said it prevented him from investing in me wholeheartedly. After that we were friends but the emotions has always been there, very deep and strong. We cared about each other deeply and were very sensitive and concerned about each other well-being. Hence why I was certain that we would be together again when he is ready/back on tracks.
But around a month after when we discussed our feelings due to me feeling sad and depressed that we were still not together, he said that he wanted us to be friends and he was still in the process of self-transformation and not ready to be in relationship. At first I felt rejected and hurt so I went NC for a week and completely ignored him when we had to met in common social circle. But I was aware of how bad it made he felt so I decided to talk to him again. And we were back to being close (but not in a relationship). From then we were always by each other side, very closely connected.
However recently I had a gut instinct that he wasn't telling me everything. So a week ago, I finally determined to get an answer from him. And he admitted to have gone on to a few "not so good" dates and he kept saying they weren't anything serious, and if they were he would have told me. I couldn't bare it any more so I told him that he made these decisions of going on dates and not telling me based only on himself and didn't even take into accounts of how I feel, while I fully deserve to know what is going on. I didn't choose to date any one else because I thought we were emotionally-committed to each other at least (it really felt like it was, but it could just be me), and i wasn't ready to see anyone else because I wanted to love him. I was largely disappointed. So I told him that I wished the best for him and being friends is not working for me. He kept saying sorry and said he felt like he was losing me now and he didn't know how to deal with it. To which I replied "it is actually a relief", which is honest because I was emotionally exhausted by the whole thing. He didn't response. And we haven't said a word to each other than. I did see him once since we have classes together, but i was a few minute late that day and so i just walked in locked eyes with him once and completely ignored him for the rest of time. I will still have to see him twice a week and I don't really know how to act. Do you have any suggestion?
I want him back, but in relationship. Also I don't know if ages matter but I'm a mature 22 but with few relationship experiences. He is 28 with lots of relationship experiences but lots of which didn't work out. I'm a very first person he has a very intense emotional connection to just as or even more than with his serious ex of 5 years ago
Looking forward to hearing from you!
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on February 19, 2014:
As you say, you have been acting crazy, which is perfectly normal and is often referred to as breakup distress. The effects of a breakup tend to be a lot slower to impact on men than on women. In 30 days, you may well be feeling a whole lot stronger than your ex.
You can't turn the clock back, so just 'own' what you did and move on. He hasn't been knocking on your door trying to woo you back and you deserve much better than that.
No contact is hard, but it is about building inner strength and valuing ourselves.
Take care and good luck with this!
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on February 19, 2014:
In all honesty, it sounds as if neither you nor your ex know what you really want and both appear afraid to cut the apron strings for good.
You both need time and space, to clear your heads, in order to work out what it is you both really want and no contact is ideal for this.
Just because you love and care for someone, does not mean that you can or should be with them. Some relationships are not healthy and can be toxic at times. They can also stop you from moving on with your life.
From what you've written, it sounds as if you don't actually want your ex, but you don't want anyone else to have him either. I also think the same thing applies to your ex, as far as you are concerned.
So far, your ex has always come running whenever you've clicked your fingers. This time he hasn't and it's your turn to feel the hurt that rejection brings. However, relationships are not about power and control. That is unhealthy.
In your case, I'm not sure that 30 days of no contact would be sufficient, and you may need to extend this to 90 days or more. You both need to break the habit of using each other as a fall-back and take the time to work out, once and for all, what it is you both really want.
Hope this helps and take care!
trying2bestrong from Idaho Falls, Idaho on February 18, 2014:
I double posted. sorry
trying2bestrong from Idaho Falls, Idaho on February 18, 2014:
I moved out of my ex boyfriends house of 3 years a year ago the end of March last year. We decided to call it quits after numerous arguments about MY teenage son's attitude. He had dropped out of school and was in legal trouble. It put a lot strain on our relationship.
We continues to see each other and even be intimate at time. Until I started to take more advantage of my freedom and started ditching him. All of a sudden I found my self in a relationship with a younger man that I really didn't even want. I was till in love with Mike and couldn't seem to fully commit to this new man. Although he is really nice I just don't love him like he loves me. My ex and I continues to speak and go to lunch on occasion. We spoke on the phone and laughed, caught up on our lives and spoke of the good times. At this point I knew I needed to breakup with my new boyfriend. BUT he isn't going without a fight. I would lie to my ex and say I wasn't in a relationship but he differently of course. I just hated hurting his feelings. My ex would call me crying all the time and even when we met for lunch it was always a tearful goodbye for both of us. He spoke less and less, but I would always hear from him once per week. A text that said hello hope your day is good and I miss you. I MISSED HIM TOO! I hated the situation I was in.
I wanted to be single and try and work things out with my ex! Recently I discovered he was dating someone new. He told everyone he could, even my Nephew that he has a new girlfriend but still loves me. I text him and I said, good for you , I hope you are happy. He then called me bawling so hard he couldn't breath and said I miss you so much! I asked, Where is your girlfriend? He said, She is right here, want to talk to her? I was floored! WTF?! I called him the next day and he said his new girlfriend is fine with us talking. I said we need to call it quits on out friendship. He asked me to please not shut him out, he wants to be in my life. We didn't speak for a week.
I ran into him and his new girlfriend out at the bar. My friends convinced me to stay and pretend to fine with that fact he was there with his lady. He ended up NOT paying any attention to her and was in front of me the WHOLE night. His lady was PISSED. I was so uncomfortable that I finally left. NO word from him for another week. I sent him a text. I said it was nice to see you and be able to say goodbye in person. His response was, yea I suppose it was good. Then I panicked! I said I miss you and I will never get over you! I know totally pathetic. The tables are turned now. He use to call me crying and now im doing it to him! SO after that we didn't speak for another week. I called him drunk and BAWLING, and he started crying also. I said I know we can't get back together again and he responded saying, lets just take it one day at a time. He was so worried about me that he said I will call and check on you tomorrow. His last text after we hung up said, we will talk soon Silly head, You are an amazing woman. He never called or text me the next day or since. It will be a week tomorrow since we have spoke. We have never gone more then a week before he would text me. I know I can't be the reason if him and his lady breakup. I want them to play it out, in the mean time IM so depressed and literally sick. He has control right now, I lost it when I begged him back. The rejection is HORRIBLE! I miss him and I know he cares about me. Do you think this NC will work for me?
trying2bestrong from Idaho Falls, Idaho on February 18, 2014:
3 years I was with my ex and best friend. We called it quits 1 year ago. He had a hard time with my teenage son. For good reason. My son dropped out of school and had legal problems. He strained our relationship. We continued to see each other and talk regularly. My new found freedom got the best of me and before I knew it I was in a new relationship with a much younger man then myself. My ex found out and went off the deep end. I felt horrible. We still continued to talk and go to lunch on Fridays. I would lie and say I wasn't in a serious relationship. I truly didn't even want to be in one! My new boyfriend is very sweet to my and my family. Then things took a turn for the worse. New boyfriend kept catching me talking to my ex and now the trust is gone. I've tried to breakup with him and even going into violent rages to get him to leave. He won't.
Not wanting to lose contact with my ex we continue to talk and laugh as usual but don't see each other. I recently found out he has a new girlfriend. I text him and said, good for you. I hope you are happy. He calls me crying to the point he can't breath and tells me he misses me. I asked where his girlfriend was? He said, right here, want talk to her? She is fine with it. I was shocked and hung up. I called him the next day and he was fine. I told him we can't talk anymore, I think its best to move on. He asked me to please not shut him out. He wants me in his life. I said it is hard for me to see him with another girl. We didn't speak for a week and then I started freaking out cause I wanted him back.
I ran into them at a local bar (him with hid new lady) my friends made me stay and pretend I was fine with it. It was awful. My ex paid no attention yo his lady and played pool right in front of me instead of with his woman. She was mad! I left and we didn't speak again for anothet week. I text him and said, it was good to say goodbye to you in person. He responded and said, yea I suppose it was good. I panicked and asked him to tell me that we have no chance of getting back together. It was hard for him to say it but he did. Another week goes by and nothing from him. I got drunk last week and called him crying and he listen to me and was crying too. I said I miss you and I know we will never get bsck together (among other things) he said, lets just take it one day at a time. He said he would call me the next day to check on me cause he was worried. Snd of course we would tslk again soon "silly head" He never did. It will be one week tomorrow that we spoke.
featherhead on February 17, 2014:
I found your article very insightful and helpful! Hopefully, I'll take your sound advice on board, but at the moment, getting out of the bed seems like a mammoth task!
Myself and my boyfriend had our first break up about a month ago as he really let me down. I suggested we call it quits in the hope that he would fight for us and prove to me that his actions could speak louder than his words. However, he agreed and said he needed to be on his own indefinitely. I was devastated and pushed him for a reason and he said he didn't love me anymore. Yet, the next day, he messaged me and said he'd made a huge mistake and that he did love me and I was his best friend. I was delighted to hear this, but also so upset that he could lie about something so important. We struggled through for a couple of weeks, until I realised that things hadn't really changed. The same problem was there; he still wasn't making enough of an effort.
So thinking I was making the right decision, I broke up with him again, citing reasons such as nothing had really changed and that I loved him too much for him to resent me for always nagging him to do better and for me to resent him for not making enough of an effort.
However, a couple of days later, I texted him, telling him I loved him and missed him so much it hurt and I was willing to fight for what we had, give him the time he needed to work through his anxiety issues and show me he loved me. But he said he needed to be his own and that it wasn't right that I was willing to get back with him, when he hadn't shown me that he deserved it. So I said I respected that and I'd leave him be.
A few days later, I got in touch and asked could he pop out of work for a few mins for a chat. I just wanted to see him to give him a hug and wish him well as everything to do with the breakup had been done over the phone up to this point. If I'm to be completely honest, I was hoping once again that he'd fight for me/us, but he didn't. He didn't say much at all.
Nearly a week later, I got in touch again and asked could we meet up to talk as I felt I couldn't move on/start the no contact rule till we thrashed things out. He agreed. However, it was awful. He was incredibly cold and hurtful towards me. So out of character for him! When I said I'd never had a bond with anyone like I had with him, he told me he'd a similar bond with a n ex that he'd never mentioned before till then. When I asked him, did he miss me, he told me he didn't. When I told him I loved him, he looked me in the eye and said he didn't. I was crushed and in order to make sense of what was happening, I lost control and got crazy!
I insisted on leaving with him, even though he didn't want me too! Before he left, he said he needed to go to the toilet so I followed him there and went to the toilet myself. We both came out together and understandably, he was getting freaked out. I was about to leave with him, when I realised I'd left my hat where we'd been seating. When I went to get it, I realised I was being CRAZY and to that I need to respect his wishes ans leave him be.
I am so mortified and ashamed that I behaved with such little dignity! I cringe every time I think about it. And feel I may have ruined our chance of ever getting back together! Do you think I have? The fact that he never initiated contact after the break up should have made it clear to me that he was done! It kills me that he seems to have got over me so quickly and is so much better than I at the NC rule! However, I feel that by behaving so desperately, I have been able to better understand that for now it is over and I don't have the same urge to contact him as I did before. I haven't contacted him in over a week (seems so much longer!) But it's hard, so hard.
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on February 16, 2014:
Hi Heart Broken...sorry to hear you're still hurting.
The reason it is suggested that you maintain no contact for 30 days, is because that is how long it typically takes to break a habit.
When you break the cycle, the 'cravings' return with a vengeance, and can often feel much worse than when you first started NC.
Due to all the hype on the web about NC, many begin it with the sole intention of winning their ex back. While that is a perfectly normally reaction, it is not a healthy way to view or start NC.
You have actually stated the solution to your heartache in your post! You've said that your ex 'doesn't have time to miss' you with her 'busy everyday life.' This is what you should be emulating. If you have too much time to brood then it is normal to keep thinking of your ex. You shouldn't be sitting at home, clock-watching, waiting for your ex to call.
Get your diary out and fill it up! Arrange to meet friends, start new hobbies, go to the gym, stay on late at work, start that D.I.Y. project that you have been putting off, get your hair cut, etc etc. You need to concentrate on what's next, rather than what has gone.
Hope this helps, but you have to take control of your life. NC is not about your ex, it is all about you!
Heart Broken on February 12, 2014:
I posted something 2 weeks ago, and you told me back then, that I should keep No Contact for another 2 weeks (it was because I broke No Contact after only 1 week when she contacted me back then).
Those 2 weeks are now up, and she haven't tried to contact me since. Should I wait a little longer and see if she contacts me again? Or should I initiate contact with her my self? I know that she is very busy this month (we are in the same dance group, so I kind of know her schedule).
Personally I don't feel ready to face her yet... I don't feel that she misses me in any way. I feel that she moved on so quickly and doesn't have time to miss me with her busy everyday life, and it hurts... It hurts just as much now, as it did 2 weeks ago.
Hope you can give me some advice again.
Once again thanks in advance.
The Heart Broken
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on February 10, 2014:
I honestly don't know if he will contact you Dayita.
Saying that he was 'letting you go' is something of a cliché. Similar to saying, 'it's not you, it's me.' A coward's way of ending a relationship.
Inside, you know that by not reaching out to you, something is wrong. If he truly wanted you, he would be beating on your door and doing everything possible to win you back...but he's not. Sorry, I know that hurts, but reading your message, I think you are intelligent enough to realise that too.
Sometimes people do love each other, but want different things out of life. Sometimes people may want the same things out of life, but not at the same time. In short, you may both be reading the same book, but you are certainly not on the same page.
Please don't rush to date someone else, especially when you feel like this. Keep working on building your inner strength and concentrate on your studies/work. You may not like this, but it is advisable to distance yourself from his family and friends, however close you were to them. Each time you hear from them, you are simply re-opening wounds that have started to heal. Returning home when your visa expires may also give you a fresh start, if that's what you want.
Take a deep breath, accept that the relationship is over, and that your ex is unable, or unwilling, to commit to a future with you. Don't accept second best. There are plenty of men out there who will fulfill your dreams. My very best wishes to you.
dayita on February 10, 2014:
HEllo! I wanted to tell you that I really liked your article as you stayed always hopeful and positive but still honest. So my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up about 34 days ago. Well I had asked him where the relationship was going and even though he has talked about kids in the past he seemed that it was something he didn't want to do just yet. I'm not from this country and I only have so much time here on a student visa. Long story short we had a very good relationship and I honestly know he loves me but the fact that he can't make a decision drove me up a wall and I gave him time to think and still didn't know. After the holidays I told him that I needed to know where we were headed. He said that it wasn't fair that I had to keep waiting so he had to let me go. I said fine and gave him his keys and took my keys back from apartment and left him in tears while I didn't even look back. I was very hurt but couldn't let him see me cry. I told him not to ever contact me again and that I could never be friends with him. His mom has contacted me and his parents and family adore me and even though she has told me that he is hurting I just find it hard to believe since he hasn't reached out to me. On the 30 th day I contacted him via text because there was a horrible storm and since he works outside I was genuinely concern so he told me that he had been thinking about me non stop and that if I needed anything he could bring it to my place after work. Then I told him that I didn't do the friend thing and to take care. He just said it was good to hear from me and to also take care. This is killing me inside but he is the one with doubts and sometimes I feel like too much time has gone by and he is not ever going to contact me. I'm keeping busy working out and meditating. There are good days and bad days. I'm also not dating other people, I just can't see myself with anyone else :(. What's your opinion? Do you think he is going to contact me?
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on February 09, 2014:
It's never too late to start the no contact rule. You openly acknowledge that your ex only contacts you when he is bored or has been drinking. Don't you think that you deserve to be treated far better than just a 'booty' call?
Even if you aren't in the throes of no contact, it is never a good idea to answer a meaningless text or one that arrives late at night.
No contact isn't easy. It is simply a way to get over your ex with your dignity in tact.
Start the no contact rule from today. It may be a good idea to change his contact name, on your phone, to 'lying ****'' or 'cheating *****' or something else which sums up his bad behaviour. That way, you will always be reminded of what he is, when he texts. Depending upon your phone, you may even be able to assign a 'silent' tone to his calls and messages so that they do not disturb you whilst you are moving on and enjoying your life.
Remember, never look back because you are not traveling that way!
Best of luck with this, and stay strong.
katie on February 09, 2014:
I haven't been with my boyfriend for over 6 months, but for 4 months after the break up we still met up, we just weren't officially together, a few months ago we decided it was a bad idea to keep meeting up as my heart was getting even more broken! I find it hard to stop texting him but recently I have made myself more distant and not text him first.
He text me a few nights ago, but he had been drinking.
I don't think he even has any feeling for me anymore, he just texts me when he's bored and there's no one else to talk to.
I feel that I shouldn't reply but I find it really difficult.
I really want him back, it's been so hard without him but I'm not sure if it's been too long to use the no cantact rule now? And if he texts me when he's drunk shall I reply??
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on January 29, 2014:
You only did NC for a week or so. That really isn't long enough and is partly why you are uncertain how you should act.
Being apart gives you time to reflect, gather your thoughts and get your feelings under control.
Your ex is clearly having second thoughts. However, if you go running to her, whenever she wants, then it is highly unlikely that she will respect you, or your relationship.
She ended the relationship, so she needs to make the effort to repair the damage that she caused.
My advice would be to keep busy and not to contact her again, at least for another 2 weeks or so. If she contacts you after that time then you can arrange to meet her for a coffee. Keep the meeting short, say 30 minutes, and just behave casually.
Your ex has to realise that she cannot just walk in and out of your life. You have feelings and she needs to respect them.
Good luck and take care.
Heart Broken on January 28, 2014:
I read your article, and it has really helped me a lot! I was together with my ex for 5 short months, but I felt like we got really close, and I fell really hard for her.
She broke up with me 1½ week ago on the phone, but she started to push me away even before that. Already at the end of december I could feel something had changed. She told me it was because I had stronger feelings for her, than she had for me... She didn't think that her feelings would change the same way mine did, and therefore couldn't see a future together. I think I might have come on to her too strongly and shown too much affection, which could have scared her... She was crying while talking to me on the phone, and I almost broke down as well.
So after we broke up, I went into NC to try and clear my mind. I have thought a lot about it and I still want her back. I think I can suppress my feelings towards her and slowly show more affection at the same rate she opens up for me. If given a second chance...
A little extra info before I get to the problem. She texted me this saturday to ask, if I was at the asian new years party, where she was performing a dance. I did not answer as I was at a birthday party and didn't have my phone on me. I didn't want to write her the day after and explain either because that would go against my wishes for the NC rule (I haven't told her about it...)
Anyway, the problem I am now facing is that, the night we broke up, she texted me saying that she would like to see me to talk things through sometime in the future. That sometime in the future happened yesterday. She texted me asking about my schedule, so it would be possible to find a day where we could meet up. I answered her shortly and politely...
Was this a mistake? Should I have kept the NC rule even then? Or did I do the right thing, since we did agree to meet sometime. How should text with her to find a date? Just keep it politely? Act a little cold?
Another question would then be. How should I act when meeting with her. Should I avoid talking about the break up, even when the subject of our meeting is the break up? Should I stick to all the ground "rules" about meeting the ex?
Extra info. I am the first guy she ever kissed or dated, which was also one of the reason my affection for her was so high. It made me feel special, but I forgot, that she does not have any experience...
Thank you for taking the time and reading this. If there are any question about the situation ask away.
The heart broken
Sandy on January 28, 2014:
Trust the No Contact Rule, it really works. The longer you manage to maintain it, the better!
jnick91776 on January 20, 2014:
thank you. I'm conflicted on this because I've read that people use the no contact because they believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you are still together or are a couple that is fond of each other it makes sense that a little distance from each other will make the heart grow fonder. They say the key word is fond...like in warm, caring, etc.
When you are broken up, absence doesn't necessarily translate into fondness because many if not most break ups happen because one person or both, is no longer fond of the other or hasn't been fond for a long time. Absence only makes the heart that is already fond grow fonder. If there is no fondness in the heart no amount of it will make the heart fonder. Because occasionally there's a chance that no contact will make your ex miss you. But missing you is not the same as becoming fonder, especially if they are dating someone else. That's why I'm so confused, I see the point from both sides.......... :(
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on January 20, 2014:
No, because you will be sending out the message that everything is normal. The NC clock will be set to zero and you will have to begin all over again.
The No Contact Rule is not about doing what you've always done. If you do that, expect to be treated as you always have been.
jnick91776 on January 20, 2014:
ex is going to las vegas with his family next weekend. I want to break the 30 day rule to say “win the big bucks” which I did every time he went there. It will only be day ten,,,,is this ok?
woundedwarrior33 on July 29, 2013:
Sorry, this is a long one but a lot of important details…
My girlfriend and I were together originally for 15 months. We knew each other for years and were good friends before we decided to start dating. We were even talking marriage and our future. We broke up for two months because we needed to hash out some issues and I guess we kind of did, but it was hard because during those two months we still always saw each other and hung out (my girl roommate is a good friend of hers and therefore was always around). When we got back together, I had the mentality that I was going to do all I could to make sure she was always happy and never wanted to leave me. So, a month into being back together we found out her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer (this was Jan. 2013). She is an only child with a single mother who dad left her when she was really young. I was there for her support emotionally and mentally, even went to all her mother’s pre-appointment meetings with doctors and did everything I could. I stayed around the weekend of the surgery. I even, went as far as to clean my ex’s room, shovel snow when it came, and any other chores they had me do. I did everything for her during these months.
She told me she felt like this was God’s way of telling her that “we were meant to be together”, and I felt the same way. We even went looking for rings, discussing a marriage budget and looking at potential houses to buy. After, the surgery her mom went through about 16 weeks of chemo treatments. My ex also worked full time at a daycare and took some online graduate classes. During these 16 weeks, I was there for her and offered support in everything, did everything with her and her family and even made sure she could have a good time. Through this time period, there were times were she would get really drunk and yell at me for literally no reason and say very mean things, and I would sweep it under the rug until the next morning. Even smacked me in the face when I decided to finally stand up for myself and tell her she was being ridiculous. I know she was taking out her anger with her mom on me. The sex also withdrew because I know how stressed she was and I wanted it to be on her terms rather than mine. But she was never in the mood and tired (understandably) and only wanted to when she could, so therefore I felt a lot of pressure and never was really good (at one point it was AMAZING). Anyway, I looked for an escape in sports gambling and therefore paid a lot of attention to my phone then her. She brought this up and I made conscious efforts to change and not be on it when she was around. Otherwise, I was always around and helpful for her.
So, come June 1 at our two year anniversary of all days, she decided it wasn’t working out anymore and broke up with me. Mind you, this was about a week before her mom’s last chemo treatment, so I couldn’t even see her get better! She said she didn’t having feelings for me anymore and didn’t think we were compatible. I was in shock. After all I did for her, she was going to dump me like this? I ended up buying an engagement and even told her I was going to propose to her. She broke down crying…so for the next month she kept initiating texting me off and on seeing how I was and just wishing me a “good day” and finally about a month after the break up we met up for some drinks and I told her how I was feeling i.e. “emotionally abused and used for the last 5 months during everything that was going on” and she said she was “the happiest she has been since an adult” and wanted to “continue to find her happiness on her own” since she has been in and out of relationships for years. She and her friends know that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and treated her better than anyone EVER will (she has a lot of baggage and was very promiscuous before we were together, which I knew and accepted her and forgot her past). After a little fighting during the convo, I accepted the decision and hoped one day we would be together in the end. So, after this encounter I have decided to go NC and it has been about 3 weeks. I am still deeply in love with her in spite of everything. I understand the break up was needed as we both lost each of our identities and needed to take care of our selves and figure out our happiness. I became insecure, dependent (obviously due to how close we were with her mom) and lost some self confidence as I always felt I was walking on eggshells when I was around her. I have been working on myself and my confidence is higher than it has ever been. But I still absolutely unconditionally love her.
Does this sound like a relationship worth fighting for and do you think she will eventually realize what she is missing and come back to me?
I was so loyal and loving to her at her worst and during the hardest time in her life and don’t get why she would give up that easily on us
dam I'm hurt on July 28, 2013:
Thank u for replying. U r the professional I'm new to this stuff. But ryte I feel like pissed and wanting to go c her n give her beat down. Dats how I feel. Not gonna do it. The week bfore the breakup I asked her n a text do u love me. She texted yes and I care. On the day of the breakup I asked he r again. This tyme she said no. Then the next day sje goes on facebook and n a pic with her girlfrind. Says single ladies. After 1 day. I don't have facebook so I got to hear from my friend which was embarrasing. I'm pisssed. Is she serious? How can u love 1 week and the next be a cold hearted bitch like that. Give me your opinion on wat she is tryn to do. I kno that sjes educated and all. But she treatn me like I'm a nobody
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on July 25, 2013:
@ Dam I'm Hurt,
I think you already have the answer to be honest. You have 5 weeks to sort yourself out, if you want her back. I tend to agree with your girlfriend that you can't maintain a relationship indefinitely, when you are 6 hours apart. Lasting 5 years is incredible to be honest but the time has come for one of you to make the sacrifice.
Even if you are not a bad person, you are doing bad things and your girlfriend feels uncomfortable and possibly embarrassed by this. Sometimes, people do bad things out of sheer desperation. However, for you, it is a way of life and all seems perfectly normal. I can only guess at what you do but ultimately, you could end up getting hurt or even sent to prison.
Well, the time has come to make some changes! You need to decide how important your girlfriend is to you. Are you prepared to re-locate? Are you prepared to find a steady job? Also, how important are YOU to you?! Is this really what you want with you life? Is this all that you think you are worth? Don't you deserve better?
Realistically, these changes are not going to happen in 5 weeks. You need to think about what it is you would like to do and how you can achieve that. Break it down into baby steps. Hustling may be working for you at the moment, but it is not a long term career option. Your girlfriend is looking ahead and probably thinking about creating a stable family environment. She can't envisage that with you 6 hours away and with no steady job.
Give your girlfriend some space and don't hassle her for the next 5 weeks. It sounds as if her mother is constantly on her case about you and she is stuck in the middle. So, let her breathe.
Meanwhile, start making plans. What job opportunities are there. What training is available and what are the future prospects. Alternatively, if you want to remain where you are and continue hustling then that is your choice. However, your girlfriend is setting boundaries of her own (quite correctly in my opinion) and is letting you know what it is she expects.
Finally, never ever criticize her mother, even if you think she is in the wrong...rookie mistake!
Best of luck and let me know how you get on.
dam I'm hurt on July 25, 2013:
O ye I forgot. Her bday is n 5 weeks. Should I wait till den to contact her. While I work on myself to b a better person?
dam I'm hurt on July 25, 2013:
I'm 28 and I dated my girl for 5 years. I love her to death but I took her forgranted. She has a problem with me doing bad things and not being there for her cause I live 6 hours away and she juss graduted from school n now working. I feel that even tho I do bad things just to make a living (hustle) I am not a bad person. And when she met me I was doing it to put her thru school. Now that she found her career she wants to be a different person. Which led to her mom not accepting me. Which led me to talk shit.bOut her mom. I made a mistake from wat I said and crossed the line. She was mad at me for 3 weeks den she gave me an altimatum. Either we break up or u move here with me. I said I can't juss move there and have no sour e of income. So it was like wateva. Then we agreed to see each other and I bout her a plane ticket o c me. The day bfore her flight we got into an argument regarding her moms disaaproval of me. I said ur moms a golddigger and such such . She was pissed said she wants to date other people n don't c her marrying me. I'm hurt ryte now and don't kno wat to do. But I kno one thing I want her back but how and wen. Please help me. And juss bcuz a person do bad things does it mean he's a bad person?
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on July 13, 2013:
Hi Jennismit, sorry to hear about your breakup.
The truth of the matter is that people treat us how we allow them to treat us. You really need to establish some boundaries. Your ex is simply keeping his options open. Don't you deserve more than just being 'friends?' I know this will hurt, but he probably wants to 'hang out' because he hasn't replaced you yet. Do you really think he's going to want to do that when he has a new girlfriend? Remember, you want to be the leading lady in his life, not the understudy!
Try to step back from it all and don't have any contact with him. It's not about punishing him, it's about giving you both the space to evaluate your relationship and establish what it is you really want. As you seem to be on talking terms, you can even let him know what you're doing, if you want. The No Contact Rule is not intended to be divisive. Just explain that you're feeling a little confused about your feelings for him and would like to have some time to yourself, to think things through.
Use the 30 days wisely and keep busy. Make sure you take good care of yourself and throw in some beauty treatments. Spend time with your friends and do things that will make you laugh...laughter is an amazing cure for a broken heart!
Take care and let me know how you get on.
jennismit on July 09, 2013:
Hi, my ex broke up with me 1 week ago. I contacted my ex the day after we broke up and begged him to take me back, but he said no. I know I should not have done that. So I started with the no contact rule. The 1st day of NC, I did not contact him, however he contacted me! And we did talk. Not anything serious though. The 2nd time, day 5, it had been 26 hrs since we talked, and he contacted me wanting to talk, again with nothing serious. But he did say that he still loved me, and wanted to hear from me, and that he wants to be friends and hang out. I am still using the no contact rule towards him, because I do not want to appear desperate. But what does it mean when the ex keeps contacting you? We have been talking, and I finally asked him if he thought we could ever have another chance. he told me yes, but only if it felt right... I am really confused. Your advice is greatly appreciated Thanks!
Stronger on July 01, 2013:
Dear friend, updates... (no contact between us yet. Missing him, but hanging in there ;))
HE contacted my friend (which is not usual), the girl who introduced us to each other. He was asking about ME:
- he wanted to know if I was going to be at the event last weekend, which is about 30 miles away. He usually does not go to these events, but he did when we were together, cause it was part of what I was doing. Competition stuff.
- he asked her if I am competing any time again;
- he said he feels bad for what happened. He wish I would not be said;
- He asked about my new house, if she has seen it yet. (he broke up a day before my moving)
- He wanted to go to that event last weekend, but did not want to make me feel uncomfortable. He didn't want or was afraid of ME to break down;
Looks like he is thinking I will put up a show asking to come back. I believe he is afraid to contact me. Afraid of drama. (I will never do that)
And the bad or good part is that he mentioned: "I wish we could be at least friend so he could be around." That just killed my expectations for having him back as boyfriend. The "friend" word.
BTW, I did NOT see him at the event, but he mentioned to my friend at the phone that he was not sure if he would go, BUT he would go to another one in a few days closer to our location. (so it means he has been CHECKING THE CALENDAR for these events, where he knows I will probably be).
Well, hope to hear your thoughts.
Confused on June 30, 2013:
Hello..I have a few updates and any advice or suggestions is appreciated..
After hanging out with some friends...I gave in and contacted my ex after 2 weeks of NC... :/
I texted him a funny video I ran into and thought he might like it. He replied right away and laughed and said he seen that before then he asked...how are you? :) we then texted back and forth a bit...then built up some courage and said if he's not busy we should catch up for coffee. He said sounds good. :) Will let you know when I'm free. Talk to you soon. :)
Then when I texted him a few days later..he texted me back..
Sorry i just heard my phone ring. I have to be honest, I'm not sure im ready to meet up for coffee yet. I still feel strange thinking of you as a friend, I hope you understand. Don't worry I'm sure I will come around. I just need more time. I hope that's not selfish of me. I was thinking about it last night and wasn't sure how I was feeling. :) I'm sorry if this is disappointing. :( I'm being a big sensitive woossy lol
I replied and said no worries! He then said lol thanks for understanding :)
Then after rereading his text again..made me wonder what he really meant behind this message..
I just need more time. I hope that's not selfish of me. I was thinking about it last night and wasn't sure how I was feeling. :) I'm sorry if this is disappointing. :( so I texted him AGAIN after a couple hours..
he replied and said just meant I wasn't ready to meet up yet. Lol. I just need more time :)
I didn't respond back to his text. Then 5 days later to my surprise, he texted and said
Hey there, just want to say I hope everything goes well these next couple days if you still have to go to court. :) hope you're well :)
I texted him 2 days later - thanks :)
Now he kept quiet again..should I remain silent until he reaches out again? I feel like I reached out and he rejected my offer. I'm so lost right now because I'm not sure what he is thinking...
Liza on June 28, 2013:
Hello there, my names Liza, Im 20 years old and recently left my boyfriend. We were very happy and very much in love, were both 20 years old however Im slightly morrow mature. He recently went to Germany on a course with his friends and was very selfish whilst he was a way and came back a different person, someone who had very little time for me and just wants to go out. I think personally its just a phase, however shortly after this i found out i was expecting a baby. Since he's known he's fluttered between how much he loves me to saying he can't do this, he's confused not only about the baby but about us. After trying pleading and begging i couldn't take anymore rejection i don't want him to be with me out of sympaathy which he is basically trying to communicate. However before me expecting we were planning to get a house together for the 2nd time. Im hoping this is just fear and a phase. Im currently on day 3 of no contact and have heard from once only to say my dad has tried to get through to me. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Stronger on June 27, 2013:
I know I should not be any happy about this, but TODAY he contacted my friend who introduced us! He never does that. Never!
My friend will talk to me later tonight of what he said. Briefly, she said he is NOT with anybody right now. He said good things about me, and that he is not ready yet for a commitment.
Well, I will let you know better once I find out.
30 days TODAY the last contact from him via txt.
LaRishaSun on June 26, 2013:
I truly believe one can find peace of mind through "the no contact rule". When decided upon by both parties, it is the ultimate form of respect for you, the other, and the relationship that got broken. It is acknowledging that whatever comes soon after the break-up is not part of your bond, and you do not wish to extend your relationship on grounds other than love. Whatever comes after is most of the times not worth the attention, because it is a manifestation of mixed emotions and thoughts, or the lack of both. Like that, both parties use their right to calm down, to focus merely on themselves by applying their energy wisely in gaining new perspectives on ... well, everything actually, including your own self and the ways in which you and others around you can "relate". It is an empowering feeling as you work towards new ways of independency. It could be a necessary eye-opener, even if you don´t want it to be so. There´s enough time for everything, and there´s no need to rush into things.
For me, the "no contact rule" is all about learning how to get rid of the addiction to share love in the most intimate and intense way, and to give it all to yourself instead. That´s the tricky part for those, like me myself, who know they can only feel whole when sharing with someone you think deserves to feel the greatness you feel when being around them.
I instinctively chose not to have any contact whatsoever when the 6.5 years relationship ended in a somewhat open stance (with him getting lost in existential worries, losing grip on reality and falling into a dark zone of negativity, mainly about himself but also consequently about his feelings towards the relationship). I stood by him for a while, offering the patient support I thought he needed, but without any result. I could not make any difference in this personal battle of his. The sudden silence between us, when still together, burned up the oxygen between us, and I chose not to get seduced by this dominant darkness. Because I dare to care too much, I pulled myself away on time. We´re almost 4 months later, and yes, it has been tough.
We walked into one another on "month 3" and chose silence as a way of saying everything. Words are useless in these circumstances. Instead, you sense and you trust your gut (not the mind, not the heart). Although he wrote me that same night, I felt the time was still not right to reconsider the "us part". Mainly because his writing reflected the fact that, as of yet, his mind and heart are in conflict. He feels strongly for me, but negative thoughts dominate. Like that, the last line says "I will re-disappear from your life, convinced that it is the better way for you to be fine." It all sounds heroic and cowardly at the same time, doesn´t it? I wrote him back using a poem of Pablo Neruda, which also ends with an open stance, and treats silence and distance as new founded ways of love and communication between the two of us. For me it was a way of showing I appreciate his decision for being honest and reaching out, even if only for a moment. Although I have the will and the power to move on without him, I very much sense "the us" in the air. I say this without wanting to sound too high-fly. Fact remains I feel as if we´re not yet done. Although I chose not to wait, and I am living my own life, this opening makes it rather unnatural for me to be doing so. I believe he should reach out once more, but I also at times feel perhaps I should make a step towards him. Some advice is more than welcome…
Stronger on June 25, 2013:
Thank you again. No, you are not stupid....;) I feel the one stupid here actually!
Yes, I have considered the rejection and the silence from him, but the mature man he was, I don't see him doing that.
Yes, I feel like having him back. I miss him. (too bad huh)
You are right. HE needs to contact me, BUT I get this "stupid feeling" that he is looking at it as an immature behavior from my me, since we never had a fight and he ended good terms.
Sorry for taking your time with this, but it feels good to let it out, cause it is all so confusing. I do agree with the no contact for a while, but for some reason this thing telling me he sees me as immature behavior for this "mind games."
I have been reading a lot about the NO CONTACT, and recently I found the point of view from a man blog who doesn't really agree with NC in all situations. There is this part which makes a little sense, and respond to my "stupid feeling" with my particular ex being mature the way I "believe"he was. It says:
"Thinking that your ex will miss you because you're no longer contacting them is admirable confidence. We all want to believe our ex is pinning over us and spending much of their time thinking of us. That would really be nice!
But mind games are not appealing to everyone, and your ex may either be turned off or play along to teach you a lesson."
See, this last sentence is what I couldn't put into words. That is exactly my "stupid feeling" into words. Afraid of turn him off completely for acting like this. WHAT DO YOU THINK LOOKING AT IT THAT WAY?
Once again, I just wanted to let it out what my fear is.
I will try to follow your advice thou!;)
Have a great day!!!
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on June 25, 2013:
Hello again Stronger, nice to hear from you again.
I know it's called the 30 day no contact rule, but have you considered how it will make you feel, if he doesn't respond to your text message?
Also, what is the true purpose of your proposed text message? Is it because you still want to get back with him? (Please don't think I'm being stupid here, I just want you to be true to yourself!)
If you're still counting down the days, then I don't think you're ready to contact him.
Also, don't you think that you deserve more from him? If he truly cares for you, he WILL contact you. If he truly wants you, he WILL contact you!
You want to be Number 1 in his life. Not an afterthought or Plan B.
Most reconciliations occur within 12 weeks of a breakup. If HE hasn't contacted YOU in that time, more than likely, he's really not that in to you...sorry!
Stay strong, stay silent!
Best wishes as always and keep me posted!
Stronger on June 24, 2013:
Hello again. I posted 10 days ago as "stronger". Today it's been 30 days from the breakup and 28 days from his last txt. I guess I reached the peak of missing him yesterday and today. I am dying to txt him.
I have the feeling he knows exactly what I am doing as far as nc.
Any tips on how should I txt him, instead a "hi how are u"?
I would like to be more spontanous with something cool, something that used to make us laugh together in the past, instead so formal. What do u think?
someone575 on June 20, 2013:
I am on day 2 of NC. He broke up with me 3 days ago so I'm proud of myself. I've written him long letters but didn't mail them, text messages, but didn't send them. (This was before I deleted him from my phone). The weekend is coming up and we usually did an activity together on those days & now I'm wondering if he's thinking of me. We broke up because we have different views on things like politics, religion, social issues, things that neither of us will change our views on. We both knew we had differences when we started dating, but I thought he liked that about us. I know I did.
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on June 18, 2013:
You should do absolutely nothing. Try the no contact rule and take a break for a month. That will give both of you some space to work out if you still want to be together. Although it seems the mature thing to do, in reality, it's very difficult to remain friends with your ex partner.
If you want to get in touch with her at the end of the month, and feel emotionally strong enough to do so, then do. Simply apologise for not getting back to her sooner but explain that you have been extremely busy.
However, I should stress that whatever problems existed previously in your relationship, will still be there. You will still need to work on these if your relationship is to be successful.
Best of luck!
Marco on June 18, 2013:
I also did not answer to last two messages of sunday
John on June 18, 2013:
Hi! Great article.
My girlfriend left me but we continued to talk and go out for a month. Now the situation become very difficult to me so I decide to close all.
After a day on friday night, she sent me a message to ask me "if I want to talk on the phone the next day".. no reply from me.
Then she sent me 2 messages to me on sunday evening.. she said that she miss the sensation of be fundamental on the life of someone.. and then a second message "You were who discovered my best part and my worst part and made me think while others would surrender. Thanks ^^I appreciate you"
Now on monday no message, today no message.. what should I do?
Confused on June 18, 2013:
Thank you once again and for sure :) I will keep you updated!
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on June 18, 2013:
Hi again Confused.
Sadly, I don't have a crystal ball but, based on experience, yes, he will contact you. However, whether this is to facilitate a reconciliation or simply out of curiosity, I am unable to answer.
After 30 days, there's nothing wrong with dropping him a simple text asking how he is doing, providing you feel emotionally strong enough. You need to consider how you will feel if he doesn't reply. If it will upset you, and set back the progress that you have been making, then you're not ready for it. Also, don't send him a text asking him to meet up though. That request should ideally come from him. Just keep it very short and simple.
By respecting his space, you are not only showing him that you can live without him but you are also giving him an opportunity to miss you. Men are usually a bit slower than women to reach this point, so you need to bear that in mind also!
Best wishes, as always.
Confused on June 15, 2013:
Thank you so much for responding to my message :) I really appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to message me back..
May I say it is a bit challenging to sort of counting down the days but I have to admit its gotten a lot easier compared to day 1. It makes it easier to not have any social network either because I only keep in touch with my friends that have my personal email so that's one less thing I would be concern about. However, the only reason why I knew his time apart from his friends this week and after the breakup because he sent me his work schedule for this month. I don't contact his friends because we don't have mutual friends nor do I want to know either because it will be a bit of challenge right now for me.
I am making an effort to keep myself busy though. My friends and I went out last night and that was really fun plus we all agreed on signing up for some dance classes which I'm very excited!
May I ask one question though...based on your experience with many people in the past and based on my Story..Do you think he would contact me in the future based on what he said on his last message of speaking to me soon...wants to remain in my life..agreed to the dance class? And let's say he doesn't contact after this space we have between him..is it ok to send a simple text? Ugh..I just realized that was more than one question..sorry :/ thank you again and hope to hear from you soon!
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on June 15, 2013:
Sorry to hear that you have gone through this Confused.
Firstly, if he's not prepared to introduce you as his girlfriend, then you should not have behaved like a girlfriend. By that, I mean being intimate. Also, after dating for 5 months, it is perfectly normal to have been introduced to some of his friends. You are not in the wrong here. He is. His actions certainly contributed towards your feelings of insecurity which is why, I suspect, you ended the relationship so many times.
How you have behaved, after the breakup, is a fairly normal reaction. However, you now have to move on and genuinely respect his space and privacy. That means not contacting him and not tracking his movements. Please don't start the habit of stalking him on social media sites or by speaking to his friends. You are not maintaining no contact if you are looking up his profile everyday!
I know that being 12 days without him, will have seemed like a lifetime to you. But it's just a drop in the ocean. I know I've said this so many times, but keep yourself busy and do things that make you feel and look better. A long walk with a friend usually lifts my mood. For you, it may be a yoga class and some meditation. Get a new hairstyle, watch your diet and eat plenty of fruit and veg. Dump the alcohol. If you drink, that will make you feel worse. Do some exercise, lose some weight (if you need to) or concentrate on toning up. Experiment with makeup. Also, as strange as it may seem, in this situation, helping others can be extremely rewarding and fulfilling.
Just remember that all of this is about YOU. You are not doing this pampering and preening in order to get him back. You are rebuilding yourself and improving your confidence and self esteem.
Keep going with the no contact for at least 30 days. If you keep busy and do it properly, by that I mean no stalking, you'll wake up one morning and discover that you long stopped counting down the days!
If he does get in touch, during the no contact period, just ignore his messages for now. I should stress that this is not about playing games. You need this time and space also to compose yourself and to begin thinking and behaving in a rational manner.
Best of luck with this. Keep smiling and do let me know how you get on! ;)
Confused on June 15, 2013:
Hello there :) first of all I just wanted to say thank you for such a great article. It really helped me in a lot of ways. So here is my story..will make it as short as possible. My ex boyfriend and I dated for 5 months. There were minor things in our relationship such as not introduced as his girlfriend in the beginning of the relationship, not being able to meet any of his friends..etc anyway, I don't know why or its just a bad habit I have..I broke up with him more than 10 times after every argument we had through anger even though I don't mean to at all. However this time, he said yeah we should not be together anymore. I can't take it anymore because I'm afraid of the future. I saw You in my future but not anymore. I can't be that person for you anymore. It surprise me to hear this because he always fought to get back with me every time but this time he said he just can't and apologize. (Note: he said all this when he was around his friend) After me crying and pleading for him to try one last time to see if we can make it work he said no. He cares enough to want us to remain in each other lives but we both need our space at the moment. After all the crying and pleading (all done through phone and text) I thought to see if I can see him in person because i thought it would be better then all this done over the phone. I was going to text and see if he can meet up 2 days after the breakup but then I wasn't feeling well and had to go to the ER. I called and asked if he can come with me because I'm scared to go alone. He refused to at first and said he'll call someone else to go with me but then after 10 mins he finally said ok with frustration or something. When he met me up at the hospital, he teared up a bit and asked if I was ok. Afterwards, he put up his guard and started acting a bit distant and cold. He just said he cares about my well being that's why he is here to make sure I'm ok. However he needs to leave in an hour for a game with his friends. When the doctor came out, he suggested I stay to get some more X-ray and blood test to make sure I'm ok to go home. However it will take 3-4 hours and I need to stay there for the results. Out of nowhere he blurted out and said I should and he will stay with me. I told him he can go but he said no don't worry about it. After a little bit alone with him..I noticed he started to soften up and let his guard down a bit. We were allowed to grab a quick bite and come back afterwards. When we stepped out for a moment, he was a bit stressed out I believe because I never saw him smoking 3 times in a row. He was very quiet walking slowly in front of me and sometimes looked back at me for a moment with some sadness across his face. I acted as if I didn't see anything. Then he asked me if I wanted to sit by the park for a bit before we head back to the hospital and I said yes. When we were there we started laughing so hard because we saw this guy dancing to a YouTube video . It then reminded me of these salsa dancing classes we wanted to try out. I told him I bought it several weeks ago and see if he would want to go sometime. He said at the moment we need our space. I said i didn't say like next week but it does expire in a month so would he want to go then..he said yes. Anyway, after we went back to the hospital the doctor said I was ok and was released. Right before we left. The hospital, I said I know this happened and I will leave you alone. If you want to try in the future, ill be here. Then after all the paperwork was done, We both walked out to find our train station. When we were on the train, I stood next to him and hugged him till I reached my stop. Every time my head was moved back a bit he placed his hand behind my head and pushed it up against his chest so I can rest my face there. As soon as my stop came, i said just rememeber what we talked about. i love you and will miss you. we kissed each other on the cheek, teared up a bit and then I left. I didn't contact for a day but before I flew out for work..I thought should I text or not because I said I'll leave him alone for the time being..but the I just went ahead and said..I know you want me to leave you alone for now.. I just wanted to say before my flight is thank you for being there for me at the hospital. I really appreciate your support and care. It means a lot to me. As for now, take care and I can't wait to hearing from you soon. Then he responded right away and said no problem. I'm glad you're ok. :) Have a safe flight and will speak soon. :) after that, I kept my distance..it's been 12 days..I feel a lot better than I did on the first day we broke up. I know since the breakup, he had several days with his friends but then has a couple days to himself this past week for work away from home..do you think this time by himself without anybody around will help as long as I keep my distance for him to think things over? I'm so confused because at first he said he didn't see me in his future but when we were talking before leaving the hospital how I will respect his request for some space..he said he doesn't see me in the future but who really can predict the future. I'm confused and lost..sorry for such a long novel.. Any advice or suggestion will hell me so much during this no contact period. Thank you
Stronger on June 14, 2013:
Yes, I am doing fine after all the reading I have done in the past few days on this subject. They make me stronger.
Thank u so much for this article !
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on June 14, 2013:
I've read far too many books on breaking up and getting your ex back! I don't recall his name to be honest. However, most of them boil down to maintaining no contact. Don't be sucked in by the sales hype.
All I can say is, you seem to be doing just fine, on your own, and keep up the good work.
Stronger on June 14, 2013:
Wow. Glad u responded.
Yeah, when he first txt me a day after the breakup, it took an hour to see it. With no response he text me AGAIN, saying maybe he shouldn't have done. Finally i did respond saying that I "just" saw the message for being in a loud place. He thought I was at a movie and asked that. I took a while again to respond, and he told me to enjoy my date.
I was NOT on a date. Funny the way he reacted right after dumping me.
I was reading also about "get ur ex back forever" by Mathew Houston. Have u read his advises?
C L Grant (author) from United Kingdom on June 14, 2013:
I think that he wants reassurance that his 'Plan B' i.e. YOU, is still available! He has not moved on. He's actually concerned that YOU may have moved on!
You seem to be handling this really well in terms of no contact. Just carry on what you're doing and don't be too eager to text him back, especially if it's at the weekend or late in the evening. Maintain an air of mystery.
By responding to his text messages, you've probably satisfied his curiosity, for now at least, and he's content in the knowledge that you're still there for him.
My suggestion is to keep busy and don't be too anxious to respond to his text messages next time around...and believe me, if you maintain your silence, there will be a next time. You can even ignore a couple of his messages, assuming you have the willpower, next time he gets in touch. You don't have to jump, just because he clicks his fingers! You are far too busy living your own life.
If he truly wants a reconciliation, then he has to work for it. He initiated the breakup and so, he has to make amends. Just hold back and take things slowly. Give yourself time to decide if your ex is the person you really want to be with or if you're simply experiencing feelings of rejection.
Best of luck with this!