My Husband Left Me—What Do I Do Now?
My Husband Left Me and I Don't Know Why
The sudden realization sets in: my husband left me. The day you never thought would come has become reality. Now, your one and only is gone and you're left sitting wondering where everything went wrong and why he left. You may have your theories as to why he's gone, or he may have given you a reason already, but it all comes down to one core aspect of relationships that you may not be aware of, and it's a lot simpler than you think.
Just Because Your Husband Left Doesn't Mean It’s Over
There's an overwhelming number of thoughts and emotions that you're undoubtedly feeling right now. You're likely feeling confused, abandoned, and hopeless, and that's understandable. The key here is to control your emotions and not let them control you. Although everything feels lost right now, you may not realize that this does not necessarily mean it's the end.
One thing that you may not be aware of is that married couples DO split up sometimes for a period of time, and some of them reconcile their differences and move on with their marriage with a brighter future ahead of them. The couples that do rekindle the flame and work through their issues have one thing in common:
They identified the issues they were having and came to a compromise.
So even though you may feel like a nervous wreck because your husband left, you shouldn't feel like this is the end of the road in your marriage. This time apart may actually help your marriage. Why?
When you are faced with overwhelming marital challenges, taking time apart will reduce the tension between you and give you an opportunity to organize your thoughts and emotions. Essentially, you both have the opportunity to cool off and get your emotions under control.
Why Did My Husband Leave Me?
Chances are, if your husband has left you, you've been having issues for a while, and I'm willing to bet the same topics keep coming up every time you get into an argument. This doesn't mean your husband hates you or that he's ready to call it quits. All it means is this:
He's overwhelmed with all the negativity that's found its way into your marriage, and you two have yet to find some resolution.
And who wouldn't feel that way in a marriage that's in need of some nurturing? Aren't you feeling overwhelmed as well? Of course, this doesn't justify walking out on your marriage. However, it is important to understand that your husband is feeling the same way you are.
So when your husband left, he was actually trying to tell you something:
"I want things to change."
There are two ways this will play out. Either you'll both do work to change and you'll be able to work through your issues together, or you will divorce.
The obvious preference is that you both reestablish the communication that was severed somewhere along the course of your relationship. In order to do this, you'll both have to keep your emotions in check (or move through them to get to a clearer, more rational place) so that you're able to uncover the root of all the unhappiness.
If this is something that you're both able to achieve, you'll notice just how quickly all of the negativity disappears between you two. Let's be real, this is what you both want. Even though you may think that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore, you should understand that your marriage still means something to him, and some things are just worth fighting for.
The Real Reason Why Your Husband Left
"Why did my husband leave?" This is the question that eats away at many women. He may have already given you a particular reason, or maybe just a generic 'it's not working out anymore.' Either way, you'll spend hours looking at your marriage and attempting to decode what the real reason is. It came as a shock, and to you it just doesn't make sense.
The core reason why people feel like they want out of any relationship is so incredibly simple:
It's because the individual is not getting what they need out of the relationship.
While this reason is the same for men and women, what men need out of a relationship often differs from what women need.
Take a look back at the very beginning of your relationship, when you first met and instantly hit it off. What's different between now and then? Do you still spend countless hours doing your hair and makeup for him? What about ripping through your entire wardrobe because you can't find anything cute to wear for him? How about batting your eyes and laughing at every single joke, no matter how bad it may be?
You might think, 'Well, men are just shallow. It's in their nature.' At face value, it absolutely appears that way. However, it begs the question—what is it that all these things have in common that gave your husband exactly what he needs out of a relationship?
What a Man Needs in a Relationship
The answer is some what ego-driven:
Men need to feel admired.
The second that feeling of admiration disappears, the relationship will slowly, over time, begin to deteriorate.
Think about it this way: Your man wants to be your knight in shining armor. He wants to be the only man who has all of your love, admiration, and respect.
So when you were spending more time getting ready for your date with him than you were actually being on the date, that screamed, 'I admire you.' It made him go crazy for you.
When you would be playful and flirtatious with him, smiling from ear to ear just because you were with him, that screamed, 'I admire you.' He absolutely adored you for it.
When you would leave cute little love notes just to show him that you loved him and you were thinking about him, that screamed, "I admire you." At that point, he felt he could never get enough of you.
Were you happier back then? Probably so. Why? It wasn’t just the fact you used to treat each other differently, it’s because you were both getting what you needed from your relationship at the time. Essentially, you were both catering to the other's ego.
Again, when your husband left, it was because he wanted things to change. It's because he missed the way things used to be, when you would both would really go out of your way to show love, respect, admiration, and appreciation to each other.
Reconciling with Your Husband after He Leaves
It's a simple fact that you love you husband and most likely, you want to keep your marriage together. This is easier said than done in the sense that is takes a lot of effort to really commit to making a change in your marriage. However, I'm willing to bet that you both really are willing to make whatever changes necessary in order for your marriage to work.
You may be inclined to call him up right now and tell him that you’re sorry, that you love him and miss him and wish he would come back. This actually isn't the best approach to take right now. Your best bet is actually counter-intuitive to what you're feeling right now. Don't call him, text him, or show up at the door begging him to come back. Do this instead:
Agree splitting up is best.
There's a method to this madness, even though it seems like the worst idea you could possibly imagine right now.
Your husband will begin to question whether or not he's actually making the right decision by splitting up in the first place. Additionally, you both will really benefit from taking some time apart to cool off, collect your thoughts, and get your emotions under control.
This approach comes from a fairly well-known book by the author T.W. Jackson. The book is a great resource if you are struggling in your marriage. It covers everything from learning why your marriage is rapidly falling apart to identifying and removing the issues which are damaging it and easing back into the relationship without opening the same wounds. This is what it covers:
1) Understanding Why Your Relationship Ended—And Why It's Not Over Yet
2) Don't Panic—Your Key to Winning Back Their Love (Getting Your Head On Straight)
3) Removing the Splinter in Your Relationship
4) Re-Igniting the Spark of Passion and Desire
5) Dates and Lovers—How Other People Can Actually Bring You Back Together
6) Easing Back Into Your Relationship to Solidify Your Love
7) Maintaining the Fun and Love Without Dredging Up Old Wounds and Arguments
If Your Husband Has Left You
Are you struggling to get through the work day, constantly feeling depressed about everything, feeling unable to enjoy most activities you used to love, tossing and turning, night after night, wishing he was there, and blaming yourself for everything that went wrong?
If this is what's happening to you, then it's time to dig deep and start looking at yourself. You can't mend your marriage when you're broken yourself. In other words, you can't start fixing things with your relationship until you've worked on fixing yourself. This means making a serious investment of energy and time in whatever it takes to get your head on straight: counseling, therapy, self-help books like the one I mentioned above, exercise, meditation, or whatever else helps you recognize and change old patterns.
Your marriage is very important—not only to you, but your husband as well (even if he doesn't always show it). You can follow those seven steps to win your husband's heart and solidify your marriage once more.