21 Lessons Learned In Relationship Break Ups
Every person who has undergone relationship break up has a story to tell. Whether it is the dumper or dumpee, breaking away from a relationship isn’t fun. When people fall in love, no one ever thinks their relationship will end. However, when one partner ends the relationship it feels like hell for both parties (in some cases).
Despite the fact of dumping our partner or us being dumped by our partner, many times we jump into another relationship not having sat up to think things through as regarding to our previous failed relationship(s). We never sit down to examine the reasons for the breakup and what we have learned from it. After the end of one relationship we jump to the next one finding ourselves in the same situation – breakup.
Some of us have undergone several breakups and we wonder why we usually end up on the wrong side of the relationships. Nonetheless, if we took time to scrutinize the relationship(s) and the subsequent breakup(s), then we would have learned invaluable lessons. The lessons would have helped us in our next relationship. You see, most of the breakups can be avoided.
Below are the lessons I have learned from the failed relationships with some resulting from research.
First Lesson: Don’t Fall In Love Too Easily
Love is a wonderful feeling. By nature we want to love and be loved. There is nothing wrong.
When a person confesses his love for you and you jump in directly, it poses as a problem. You have not taken time to get to know the person in the friendship stage. Not knowing enough of your ex is dangerous. Or, you are attracted to someone and seem to have strong feelings for him. You immediately fall in love with the person when you barely know him.
Before you fall in love take good time to know your-to-be-lover. Falling in love too easily and cheaply is the greatest reason for relationship breakups. You fell in love easily believing your partner would be your future husband or wife. Times have changed so has love. Be careful with your heart. Take good care of it. Don’t fall for anyone too easily until you are sure he is the right person to fall in love with.
Second Lesson: Don’t Withhold Important Things
It is usually advised don’t tell your partner everything about yourself. As much as it’s the truth is as much as it will cause problems in the relationship if you tell your partner the unimportant things. There are important stuff you should tell your other significant before you two become more significant.
Imagine you haven’t shared with your partner important things and now your relationship is hitting the third year. What happens when your partner learns you never told him about this thing, let’s say, you are unable to bear children? Will he be forgiving? Yes, but it might lead to the end of the relationship.
If you are not earning good money it is better you tell your partner early on. If she decides to leave you because of that at least the hurt would not be great. You will recover quickly. Don’t give all of your heart to your partner before you have told him the most important things about yourself. There are things worth keeping but there are things worth telling early on in the relationship or before your hearts become mended.
Third Lesson: Trust Issues
In the world of today trusting anybody is hard. Relationships break up because of lack of trust. As far as it goes it is wise not to put all of your trust on your partner. What if he betrays your trust? There is a reason why in the Holy Scriptures – Bible- it says not to put your trust in man only in God. Man will fail you.
When you fall in love don’t put all of your trust on your partner. It doesn’t mean you need to put more of suspicious towards your partner. When your partner says “Trust me,” do trust him but not one hundred percent.
A person can be trustful but something little can lure a person ending up betraying your trust. Always hold your right hand on your chest meaning don’t let your heart trust your partner one hundred percent. When you do so, you have given your partner your whole heart and he can do with it whatever he wants. Don’t leave the whole of your heart to your partner. Reserve a portion of it for yourself.
Fourth Lesson: Don’t Put All Your Thoughts On Your Partner
One factor about relationships is we usually forget who we are, the goals we would like to accomplish and that we have dreams to fulfill. Normally, we end up living our partner’s lives than ours. When the relationship comes to an end we find out there are things we had neglected. Why? We were living our lives to please our partner. Yes, there were good changes that resulted from the relationship but No; we didn’t have our own individual lives in the combined life.
As far as we are sharing our hearts is as far as we have to understand we still possess our individualities. Even couples who are married even if they are one they are still two individuals. There are situations whereby even a partner’s comfort is not needed. Let’s say there is a problem and you have told your husband. Your husband will comfort you but you will agree with me there are times you will say, “Thank you for your comforting words but I need my own space.”
When you are in relationship don’t forget who you are, the important things you need to do to fulfill your dream. It’s true in relationships there should be sacrifice but don’t surrender all of yourself to the point you are no longer visible in the relationship.
Fifth Lesson: Address Sensitive Issues
It’s imperative during the first days of relationships to let your partner know some habits need to be brought to a stop. Is he smoking and you don’t like it? Tell him. Is he a drunkard and it’s driving you crazy? Let him know. Does she like cussing a lot? Tell her. If you don’t address such issues they might cause problems in your relationship.
It is true every person has a weakness. Also, it is true we cannot change a person. This doesn’t mean we can tolerate some of their behaviors which are irritating. A good point will be telling your partner we will work on your behavior. If it continues for long I will have to part with you. Some behaviors can be tolerated but others, it is better you tell him.
It is better to let your partner know early on you will not tolerate such a behavior. He needs to change or you will not continue with the relationship. Sometimes we give ourselves false hope he will change. Come marriage, the married life turns out worse. He hasn’t changed. He is still drunkard, still smoking, still flirting at ladies and so on. Better address them early on before they become problematic in your future relationship and marriage life.
Sixth Lesson: Communication
Studies have shown many relationships and marriages fail due to poor communication. It seems we are in need of learning communication skills. The advancement of technology has really made it easy to communicate. Despite this fact majority of us are poor in communication especially face-to-face.
When a relationship is solid, communication is paramount. There should be frequent communication otherwise it may lead to fights as the other partner will start conjuring thoughts that are not supposed to be entertained, which are not true.
Nonetheless, during the initial stage of a relationship don’t communicate frequently. The more your partner gets used to your calls and texts the more familiar you will become to her the more boring you will turn out to be the nearer the end of the relationship. Don’t call or text frequently or several times a day. Variation is the key. Moderation is the recipe. Let your partner miss you. The more your partner misses you the more she will stick with you. The more she will want to be with you.
I hate familiarity because when you are familiar with a thing you tend to lose interest of that something even if it’s a new place you have been used to. It is no wonder familiarity breeds contempt.
Seventh Lesson: Looks Deceive
You have heard of the old saying, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’ The problem with many of us if not all is we go after looks. This does not mean all beautiful ladies are deceivers or after money. Neither does it mean all handsome men are the same. What it means is you should not judge a person by his/her face. His/her behavior is the most important factor you need to consider. How he/she talks and how he/she behaves. His/her heart not her beauty or his handsomeness.
Next time you come across a beautiful lady (if as a man you think some ladies are more beautiful than others) first assess her behavior. Then, can you determine whether you want to get into a relationship with her. The same applies to ladies (if you think some men are more handsome than others). Looks deceive is an advice I know you have heard for a long time.
Eighth Lesson: Money Issues
Unless you are a zillion dollar man and find no difficulty throwing money without remorse, then don’t. In a relationship we want to keep our partner happy. So, what do we do? Buy them gifts or give in to their ‘money’ demands just to name a few. I don’t mean it’s bad to buy your partner gifts or give her money for something she wants. But seriously, will you be spending all your money on her? You need to have a back up wallet to save your money.
If someone gets used to money when you end up broke, in most cases than not you will find yourself alone and single. Your partner had left. Let your partner know early on the issues of money. If you are not earning much let her know and that you are saving money for your future togetherness. If she is somebody to understand, good luck, she is a woman worth to be your wife.
Nowadays, relationships are all about money. While money is important, it is not the determining factor whether the relationship will last or be strong or not. If she loves you she will accept how much you earn and will be a companion in helping you to save money for a better future.
Ninth Lesson: Deriving Happiness
Happiness comes from within. It does not come from someone else. It’s sad to realize partners feel they will derive joy from the relationship. This is far from the truth. Relationships have challenges. You will not always be happy in a relationship.
Don’t look for happiness in the relationship. Happiness comes from within. If you are happy about something then you are happy, not if your partner is happy.
People And Relationships; The Greatest Lessons Ever Learned
Tenth Lesson: Don’t Depend Emotionally
When two people are in relationship it tends to be easy to share things that are troubling us. We want to hear their advice. Nonetheless, some emotional assistance is not needed. Some you have to solve yourself, others you can involve your partner.
The problem with becoming too emotionally dependent you will become dependent on him for every problem you are facing. You will not be able to solve things yourself. When a problem arises you rush it to your partner. In the end you are no different from a robot. Don’t involve your partner in things he is not supposed to be involved. Deal with them yourself. What when the relationship ends? How will you overcome the breakup or problems that will ensue after the breakup?
When you don’t fully depend emotionally on your partner, it will be very easy to solve the problems that arise early on or later in the relationship. Including those not related to relationship.
Eleventh Lesson: Compatibility
If you do not share a lot of things with your partner there is no way your relationship will last for long. If many things you like she doesn’t like and she doesn’t like many things of yours then how can you two enjoy your relationship? You will be more of surviving than living the relationship.
You have to be compatible. It’s impossible to share all things but you should share most of them, not some. If you find compatibility is an issue it is better you don’t continue with the relationship (if it had started). If it’s about, the better you make it clear to him/her you don’t see the relationship going anywhere. It is better you find whether you are compatible while still friends, not when the relationship has started.
Twelfth:The Pain Doesn’t Last
I learned pain doesn’t last for long. It might feel like the ‘wound’ created in my heart will never heal but the fact is, it will heal. It is hard to articulate in words how it feels when the person you gave your whole heart hurts you. Everyday seems like the pain keeps on increasing. However, if you do all you can to ensure the healing process has begun; you will heal from the hurt.
Thirteenth: The Pain Is Inevitable
I learned in every relationship and any friendship hurt is inevitable. You can ever escape from it. You learn as long as you are alive you’ll hurt somebody either knowingly or unknowingly, or you’ll be hurt. The best thing is to learn how to deal with the pain once it starts. If you deal with it positively you’ll heal well but if not positively it will be a nuisance or torture in your life.
Fourteenth:Forgiveness Is Power
I learned forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. When you forgive you gain the strength to stay on float of hurt. You will not be drown in the sea of hurt until you breathe your last breath. It takes strength to forgive and after forgiving you become stronger to face any other hurt.
Fifteenth Lesson: Change Is Necessary
Look at the man in the mirror. Make the necessary changes. Whether I was the cause of the breakup or not, I have learned there are some behaviors and/or attitudes I need to change. What part of me do I need to change for the better? In order for a person to improve in life, one needs to always make the necessary changes.
Sixteenth: Don't Change Your Partner
You can never change your partner. As much as it goes without saying you can only point out to your partner the behaviors and/or attitudes which you think are not good. A person decides to change his behaviors and/or attitudes or not. A person needs to take that initiative. You cannot force.
Seventeenth: Some Relationships Don't Work Out
Some relationships were never meant to be. Whether I know the reasons or not, it's not every relationship that has a happy ending. Some are lucky while there are others who are still lucky, or maybe unlucky, the breakup happened as much hurting as it is. Break ups happen for a reason. The reason(s) might be obvious or not.
Eighteenth: Revenge Isn't Profitable
Revenge never helps. As much as a person wants to revenge, in the end the person will regret. It does not solve the wrong done to to the person neither does it make the person feel good about it in the long run. It never helps in anything, only makes life more miserable than it is.
Nineteenth: Your Identity
Never lose your identity. You are unique in your own ways. No one can ever replace you. Don't allow the failed relationship to pull and put you down. Don't let your ex diminish your worth. Never lose the real you. Only ensure you change the bad things in you.
The last lesson I learned is some people love to be with somebody not they love that somebody. It’s tragic when someone loves to be with you. This indicates she doesn’t love you. The joy of being with you is satisfactorily. True love is when somebody loves you not they want to be with you. Be careful you don’t fall in love with somebody who wants to be with you. Don’t expect the relationship to survive.
I had forgotten one last important lesson.
Final Lesson: First Flames Are Dangerous
The first days or weeks of the start of a relationship are not determining factors the relationship will endure through thick and thin. When people fall in love they cannot contain the feelings they have for each other. Even if people look at you two they are sure you two will get married. However, the first signs of falling in love are not true indications you are in love. You will know the real person when the initial flames of love die away. When the relationship is faced with difficulties you will know whether your partner does indeed love you. Beginning is not an indication, don’t count on it.