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The Benefits of No Contact Rule After a Relationship Break Up

Updated on June 19, 2017
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Benny is both a professional tutor and writer. He likes writing on subjects that touch on human heart.

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Has the relationship come to an end? Are you grieving the ‘death’ of the relationship? You don’t want to believe the relationship no longer exists. The hurt, the pain is too much you wish the ground to swallow you because you cannot bear the ache you are feeling in your heart. You are experiencing various hurtful emotions thereby you have ended up confused not knowing what to believe and not to believe, what to do and not to do.

Now that the relationship is over, what should you do? The best thing you should do is to apply the No Contact rule. The reason for applying No Contact is because of the benefits you’ll derive from applying this rule, which will be explained later in this article.

First of all, let us find out the meaning of No Contact.

What Is No Contact Rule?

No Contact means you are not going to initiate any form of contact or communication. You are not going to get in touch with your ex in whatever form until you benefit from applying this rule.

Consequently, No Contact means:

  1. You are not going to initiate any form of call or text – both normal calls and texts and online calls and texts such as Skype, Whatsapp, Facebook and through other social media sites.
  2. No stalking your ex. You are not going to act like a hunter trailing your ex through social media sites and physically. You are not going to spend your time tracking your ex for whatever reason you might want to do so.
  3. No accidental bumping. They aren’t accidental bumping but intended bumping. The reason they are called accidental bumping is because when you meet your ex face-to-face you’ll give the excuse you never knew you would meet him this way. It was an accidental bumping. You even go as far as to convince yourself it was an accidental bumping.
  4. Don’t frequent spots you know you won’t miss your ex because he likes visiting those places. It is not that you want to talk to him but looking at his face is all you want. You feel a little bit satisfied by carrying out this action.
  5. No using your mutual friends to get information about your ex. You are doing this to gain more information such as whether he has a new girlfriend, whether he is thinking of getting back with you or he no longer wants to see you.

There are cases in point whereby you will have to initiate contact, receive call from your or reply to the text your ex has sent you. This happens as a result of an urgent or emergency case. For example, if you were introduced to your ex’s parents and your ex calls or sends you a text his parent has been hospitalized, you will have to receive his call or reply to his text.

It is imperative to note there is a difference between No Contact and Limited Contact. If you don’t contact your ex for a few days or for a week, then it can no longer be termed as No Contact. In essence, you are applying Limited Contact.

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The Limited Contact Rule

Also known as Minimal Contact or Low Contact, generally, this rule applies to individuals:

  1. Who cannot be able to remain silent to their ex for more than two weeks. They concede to the urge of the yearning they feel to contact their ex. A week seems a long time thereby they fall short of not contacting their ex beyond a two weeks period.
  2. A person may find herself in a situation whereby she will always be in contact with her ex. She cannot avoid being in contact with her ex because of the circumstance they are in. An example is if you work in the same place with your ex or study at the same class.
  3. Lastly, if you have a child with your ex. You would want to talk to your child and the only possible way to do so is through your ex if she is the one who is taking care of the child.

In spite of the above circumstance you might find yourself in, it is possible to affect the No Contact rule. For instance, in the first situation you have to be determined to not contact your ex for a period of two weeks or more until you feel the calmness it is time to end No Contact. In the second situation you can talk with your ex but as long as you don’t touch on the failed relationship, the two of you and the coming back together of the two of you. In the third state, you can tell your ex you will not call her for two weeks or more explaining the reason why, or you can be calling her in order to talk to your child but don’t touch on anything concerning the two of you.

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How Long Should The No Contact Proceed

There are no express rules. You will have to determine for yourself if it is time to end the No Contact or you should continue to apply it. The NC might run even for months or years. In fact it can run indefinitely.

Generally, NC should not be applied under the duration of two weeks. It should start from two weeks onwards. The average period recommended is one month. This is because you will have allowed the healing process to begin. Once the healing process has begun, it will be easier to think constructively without hurtful emotions dictating your decisions or line of thoughts.

In addition, the duration of NC might depend on how long you have been in relationship with your ex. Apparently, if you have been in relationship with your ex for six years applying NC for one month is a short period of time. The longer the relationship the more length of time you will need to affect No Contact rule.

Nonetheless, you can deduce whether it’s time to end the relationship when:

  1. The hurt is no longer too painful.
  2. You are able to think clearly without the hurtful emotions dictating your line of thoughts.
  3. The healing process has already begun.
  4. You’re confident you won’t come out too needy or feel like crumbling down when your ex contacts you out of the blue, or when you contact your ex.
  5. When the negative emotions don’t dictate your decision making or seem to have a large control of your mind.

Determination In Applying The Rule

Some people will find applying No Contact comes easy while for others it looks like as if it is impossible. It is hard. Nonetheless, if you are determined, that is, focused knowing the reason of affecting this rule, you can be able not to contact your ex for more than two weeks. There is no impossibility when the possibility exists.


What You Need To Do When Applying No Contact Rule

When applying the No Contact Rule:

  • Ensure you have stored your ex’s number far away so as to avoid the temptation to call or text him. As long as his number is in your phone list, you’ll always feel the urge to call or text him. You can decide to delete his numbers.
  • Also this applies to social media sites. If you have a social media account and your ex is one of your friends, it is better to unfriend him. This will prevent you from stalking your ex or the need to say “Hi, I thought of stopping by to say Hi.” You can decide to block him. Later if you want you can unblock him then send him a friend request.
  • Lastly, ensure you’re not idle. The idler you are the more you will tend to think about your ex, the good times you had with him and so on. This will make No Contact to be ineffective. You shouldn’t make yourself busy just don’t spend most of your time thinking about the good side of the relationship. you can involve yourself in various activities such as reading a novel, watching a movie and so on.


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Benefits of No Contact Rule

There are three major benefits of undertaking this path. They are:

a) Time To Heal

When a break up happens, a person feels hurt. It signifies this person is feeling a form of pain similar to physical pain. In this case he is feeling emotional pain. In essence it denotes a ‘wound’ has been created in his ‘heart.’ In order for the wound to be healed it needs to be treated.

No Contact will aid you in healing from the hurt that was caused as a result of the breakup. Since you are no longer in contact with your ex, day-by-day the images of your ex will begin fading. The thoughts of him will begin dwindling and you will not be missing him a lot. As long as you’re in contact with your ex is as long as you’ll never heal. The contact will keep reminding you of the failed relationship and that he is no longer with you.

When you are not in contact, as we will see the next benefit of No Contact, you will be able to think clearly and you will know what will be required of you in order to ease the pain and finally, to ensure you no longer feel pain in your ‘heart.’ You will learn the importance of forgiveness, of not escaping from hurtful emotions and the importance of dealing with negative emotions and so forth.

Learn how to heal from hurt > Steps to Healing & Recovery from Hurt



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b) Time To Reflect

Given that you are not in contact with your ex, it will be easier to think clearly about the failed relationship and the direction you want to head to. You cannot think clearly by analyzing and evaluating the failed relationship if you’re still feeling the pain at its maximum level. It is until the pain has subsided it is possible to think without a doubt concerning the failed relationship, where you are, about your ex and what to do next.

You don’t want to run back to your ex blindly neither do you want to carry out hasty decisions. You want to carry out decisions which you will not regret later of having followed them through. You don’t want hurtful emotions to aid you in thinking. You want to be sober, judging the failed relationship and what steps to undertake without any predisposition.

If you remain in contact with your ex you will become more confused. In addition, the hurtful emotions will make it hard to think clearly leading you to carry out hasty and undetermined decisions.

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c) Control Power

No one wants to be controlled. This is the reason why every person has free-will. It doesn’t feel good to be controlled. When your ex ended the relationship it felt he had control of the relationship. You were like a slave or a luggage in the back seat steered this way and the other way. It felt like you had no say in the relationship.

In another case it felt like your ex was controlling the steering wheel the reason you ended the relationship. The continuous hurt – it was too much you couldn’t endure it any longer. Thereby, you decided to end the relationship.

When you apply the No Contact rule you regain control of your life. Now, no one is controlling your life. You don’t feel like a prisoner or caged animal. The NC will aid you in regaining your self-esteem if you developed low self-worth as a result of the breakup or during the relationship. The NC will help you to appreciate yourself.

It is not revenge but a fair game of win-win. As long as you feel you’re the winner on justifiable or honest grounds is as long as you will feel good about yourself. When you are in control of your life and a situation, it will be easier to know which necessary steps to undertake.

Why The No Contact Rule Works

No Control Rule in Getting Your Ex Back

Is it possible to get back your ex by applying this rule? It is possible. There are reports of individuals who got back their exes as a result of using the NC rule. Be that as it may, the figures aren’t too large. This indicates it is not a hundred percent guarantee once you use NC with the intention of getting back your ex, you will indeed get back your ex.

The Internet is full of advice on how to get back your ex by using No Contact. Should you follow their advice? You Can. Even so, you should be aware No Contact is one of the factors which can aid you in getting back your ex. In its entirety it cannot make it possible to get back your ex. Reading the guidelines on how to use NC to get back your ex may look easy but it is not easy.

On the contrary, it is difficult. There are factors which you need to consider if you want to get back your ex. If these factors are in favor of you, then No Contact will work out but not in a way you expect.

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First, let us see which factors you need to consider. Below are some of the factors?

  • The length of the relationship. If the length of the relationship was one month, applying No Contact will not bear any fruit. The emotional bond was not strong.
  • How did the break up occur? If there was a lot of drama then it is hard for NC to work out.
  • Which reason led to your ex ending the relationship? The reason matters a lot because your ex will stand by it even if you apply the NC rule.
  • What decision has your ex arrived considering there is the possibility she is also applying this rule?
  • Before your ex ended the relationship was she seeing another man? If it is the case applying this rule to get her back is very hard.

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The best the NC can do is to make your ex miss you. Since the communication has been severed, then it is right to begin missing someone whom you’ve become familiar with.

What many forget to know is No Contact brings out the best of you. It makes you a stronger person since you’re emotionally healthy than you were before, you become more mature than you were before, you are focused since you now know which steps to undertake – what to do and not to do as the hurtful emotions no longer influence your thinking, and you’re a different person as you have noted which areas to change in your life.

In reality, NC doesn’t help you in getting back your ex. If you are intending to use No Contact for the sole purpose of getting back your ex, then it will come as a disappointment. During the period of No Contact you will have gain a deeper insight about the failed relationship and all that revolves around you and your ex thereby knowing whether you should try to get back your ex or not.

No Contact is one of the factors that aids in getting back your ex because of the changes that will have taken place during the period and the things you had learned during the period. As such, after ending No Contact, if you had decided during the NC you want to get back your ex, you will not initiate contact with your ex because you are desperate, needy, miss your ex or you feel lonely. You will want to get back your ex because you lover her. You will not be influenced by hurtful emotions on why you should get back to your ex.

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Points to Remember

  1. No Contact aids in the commencement of the healing process. Since you have created a boundary between you and your ex, it will be possible to realize the healing process taking place and eventual recovery.
  2. It aids in getting rid of negative emotions from having negative effects in your life – physically, psychologically and spiritually. When you’re still in contact with your ex, it’s hard to get rid of the negative emotions of which it signifies you’re still experiencing emotional pain.
  3. It aids you in becoming composed, that is, relaxed. You will become calm. You will have peace of mind and heart. You don’t want to appear desperate. Being desperate shows you’re needy. It is not a good attitude as your ex may take advantage of it to manipulate you, or you will lose your chance of getting back your ex as you will become an irritant to him. In addition, it will appear as if you don’t have a life of your own – you’re living the life of someone else.
  4. It will act as a confirmation to you and your ex you can survive and live without your ex. You can make it in life without your ex. You can enjoy your life without your ex. In short, you can be independent of mind, heart and body without the need of depending on your ex.
  5. It aids you in focusing ahead. You don’t want to be thinking about your ex and the good side of the relationship all the time. You have a life. You need to be aware of it. Your goals, ambitions, dreams etc. It helps you to stop living in the world of your ex.
  6. It aids in re-energizing you. After a breakup a person loses the will power to move on. A person feels emotionally crippled – emotionally drained which affects your physical body. In order to regain psychological strength you need to apply NC rule.
  7. NC is not so much as a way of getting your ex back or to make your ex miss you. It is all about you. It is for your own benefit.
  8. It aids you in being able to analyze the relationship on the positive and negative side. After analyzing it you will be able to make correct judgment regarding it. Is it better or not to try to get your ex back?
  9. It aids you in making use of your hobbies which you had neglected. Hobbies will enable you to appreciate life, heal from the hurt, have a positive mentality, get rid of negative emotions and have hope.
  10. It holds you back from trying to convince your ex why the decision he made was wrong. What happens when you keep doing that? Your ex will get annoyed and it will cause ‘fights’ in form of words. The ex will despise you the more.
  11. It aids in regaining your self-esteem and overcoming depression. Breakups tend to affect someone’s self-esteem and the person ends up depressed and having low self-worth.
  12. It aids you in erasing the image of your ex. As long as you let images of your ex form a major part in your mind is as long as you are letting your ex control your mind. As long as he controls your mind you will not heal from the heart and you will be unmotivated to continue on with your life. You will be a living a fed-up life.
  13. It acts as a proof to you and your ex you can be happy without your ex. Happiness does not derive from having a relationship with him. It comes from within.
  14. Lastly, it helps you to realize the futility of being a beggar. You’ll realize you have your own dignity and you don’t need to lower your worth in order for him to accept your unending pleadings for another chance. NC will open your ‘inner’ eyes as to why you don’t need to beg (even if you had begged why you don’t need to beg anymore).

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