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The Benefits of No Contact Rule After a Relationship Break Up

Updated on April 29, 2017
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Benny is both a professional tutor and writer. He likes writing on subjects that touch on human heart.

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I bet you have heard or come across this term ‘No Contact Rule’ in abbreviation NC. It is a rule advised to a person who has been at the receiving end of a relationship. However, it is note-worthy to know right from the on-start it does also apply to a dumper. Before we go into details about this rule, let’s first of all have a look at your situation.

You fell in love. You gave you whole heart to your partner. Every single day wouldn’t pass without thinking about him. He was everything to you. You were expectantly looking forward to the ‘Big’ day when you would be joined together. What you had been wishing and hoping of was about to come into fulfillment. You had envisioned being married, that is, having a husband and the joy of having children. Then, one day he tells you he doesn’t want to be in the relationship with you. You’re heartbroken. You feel hurt. You feel betrayed. You wish your world to come to an end. What should you do? You have mixed emotions; you don’t what to do and not to do.

In another scenario a man has ended the relationship that has spanned over two years. He had justifiable reason such as his girlfriend cheating on him by sleeping with other men. It had become too much for him he couldn’t endure it anymore. He ends the relationship as hurting as it is. He dearly loves his girlfriend. He has ended the relationship, now what should he do when it is obvious he loves his girlfriend very much?

In both cases it arrives at a time when the two different people, the dumpee and the dumper, need to apply No Contact Rule. What is this rule?

What Is No Contact Rule

This is whereby a person decides not to contact his/her ex in whatsoever manner be it calling, texting or sending an online text. You are going to remain tongue-tied, as silent as a church mouse, or as dead as a door nail. You might bump onto each other frequently, but as far as it goes it’s only greetings; nothing more. If you are in the same class and have been given group work, you only discuss about the assignment; nothing more. If you work at the same place, as far as it goes you’re only colleagues; nothing more.

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How No Contact Rule Works

The No Contact Rule works by ensuring you don’t communicate with your ex. You don’t initiate any contact talk with your ex for a period of time. You don’t initiate any form of contact nor respond to your ex’s calling or texting in whatever form unless it’s urgent.

If you want to apply No Contact you should be disciplined as it is not easy. During the relationship you were emotionally bonded to your ex. Now that the relationship is over, severing the bond is very hard. In reality, it is harder for women to apply this rule as opposed to men. If you want to reap the benefits of No Contact, then you need to be disciplined to stick with it to the end.

You should delete your ex’s number from your contact list or store it far away. This will minimize the temptation to want to call your ex. When it comes to social media sites whereby you and your ex are members, unfriend or block him from your media social accounts. This will stop you from stalking your ex online and thereby help you to realize the full benefits of the No Contact rule.

No accidental bumping. Don’t go to places where you are sure your ex frequents unless it is a place you have to go and cannot avoid it. Don’t come up with any accidental happenings so as to have a small chat, or hear his voice or see his face once more. Like a soldier, you have to be disciplined.

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How Long Should No Contact Rule Run

It is advised the NC rule should not be less than two weeks. The preferable time is from one month upwards. You can gauge for yourself whether after two weeks it’s alright to end the NC rule or you should continue with it. The ball is in your court.

The reason it’s called No Contact is because it can run indefinitely. When it does so it means there are plenty of things you’ve learned from NC, and you want to carry it until you’re no more here on earth. It is different from Limited Contact (LC). In Limited Contact you limit your contact for some time but not for long such as the case whereby you and your ex have a child. In such a situation since one of you will have a child, the other would want also to be with the child. In such a situation you cannot apply No Contact unless it is something you have decided to do.

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Benefits of No Contact Rule

There are three benefits of NC rule:

a) Time To Heal

The major benefit and the major reason of applying this rule is in order to heal from the hurt caused as a result of the breakup. When a relationship is amputated it feels like your world has come to an end. You feel like your heart has been broken it smaller pieces. In essence, it signifies a wound has been created in your heart. As a result of the wound (hurt) you feel the pain. Not physical pain but emotional pain.

The pain signals to you that you need to deal with the injury. If left untreated it may prove to affect your life negatively. When the wound is healed, you won’t feel any pain.

By not contacting your ex, you will be in a good position to allow the healing process to commence. This is because the NC will aid you in not thinking about your ex or the failed relationship but concentrating on yourself. The NC will reveal to you that you’re hurting and something needs to be done concerning the pain you’re feeling.

It is at this point you will realize the merits of dealing with negative emotions such as anger, resentment and hatred. Also, you will learn the importance of forgiveness, why you shouldn’t plead to your ex for another chance or what you need to do in order for the ‘wound’ to be healed.

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b) Time To Reflect

The NC will help you to reflect on the failed relationship. If you have taken, let’s say, two weeks of not contacting your ex; you will be in a good position to ponder on the failed relationship in a new light. You won’t judge the relationship as a result of the hurtful emotions guiding you. You will be able to judge the failed relationship at a good standpoint – on a third person point-of- view, not first person point-of-view.

By pondering on the relationship by asking questions you’ll be able to have answers to the questions such as: would I want to get back with my ex, was my ex controlling or domineering, did the relationship work for the good of me or was it oppressing, can I say on a scale of 1 to 10 that I really enjoyed the relationship? The NC will aid you in analyzing the relationship in all angles it affords you to look at it.

In addition, as you reflect on the failed relationship, you will come to the realization the breakup did happen, thereby you will not live in deniability the breakup never happened. By calling or texting your ex, it signifies you’re living in denial. You’re acting like a person who has been thrown out of a room and the door has been locked. You’re knocking at the door and yelling but the occupant is busy listening to music with her earphones on. She doesn’t know you’re still outside the door knocking. She has already moved on with her life. In your case, you’re behaving as if you have left your life there.

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c) Control Power

During the NC period by analyzing the relationship and your ex, it is possible to know whether your ex lied as to the reason of ending the relationship. In such an instance, it means your ex had the control power. He felt good ending the relationship at the snap of a finger. Maybe on the side he was seeing another woman and it arrived a time when he saw you were of no use to him. Thereby, he dumped you. By not contacting him you show him there is more to life than the relationship with him. You show him you have your life, God-given life of which you’re proud of it. You’re not going to beg. He had the control of the steering wheel, now you’re the one in control.

Many dumpers who dumped their partners on shaky grounds expect their partners to beg for reconciliation. Don’t offer such an option to your ex. He will be taken off-guard. It will hit him hard he has lost a valuable treasure. It will hit him you’re not anybody but somebody. This time you’re the one steering because it’s your life, you want the best of it. Your ex will be left with a lot of questions, which is alright. It is a form of revenge but a better revenge. More so, it is a fair game. It’s a win-win game. He had the control, now you’re the one steering the wheel.

In the case of a dumper who was forced to end the relationship on justifiable grounds, you’re showing your ex by not contacting her there’s more to life than her. She betrayed you during the relationship by sleeping with another man. It wasn’t the first time you confronted her. You decided to end the relationship. Your ex had the control power of disregarding you, now by not contacting her after dumping her it means you’re now in charge of the steering wheel.

Why The No Contact Rule Works

No Control Rule in Getting Your Ex Back

It is possible to get back your ex after applying no contact rule after a few days to several months. When you don’t contact your ex, your ex will start missing you. When a person misses you, he/she will be compelled to call or text you. There was continuous communication between the two of you before the breakup. After the breakup, when the communication is severed, one feels at loss and an aching loss begins to develop – loneliness. The only way to deal with it is to get into contact with your ex in order not to feel lonely.

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There have been success stories of exes who got their ex back after applying No Contact rule. Nonetheless, you should be aware not all failed relationships can be mended. Some are broken beyond repair mainly those that ended in a dramatic manner. In others the partners aren’t compatible so the thought of getting back is beyond wildest dreams. Still, there are others getting back is difficult due to the dumper standing his/her ground he/she won’t back down from his/her decision. Even trying to convince him, even a lot of pleadings will not make him/her change his/her mind. Then, there is another instance of the real intention of a dumper ending the relationship of which the reason is fishy – doesn’t add up. Then, there is the dumpee who doesn’t want to get back with his/her ex because of being dumped. Even if the dumper applies No Contact it will not make the dumpee want to get back with his/her dumper. In short, exes get back together not necessarily due to applying No Contact rule but also owing to other factors that come to play.


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No Contact rule should not be taken as a means of getting back an ex. Solely, on its own, it cannot help you get back your ex. Some other factors must come into interplay. Use it at your discretion as it might work or not. A lot of factors need to be considered if you want to get your ex back. The major aim of No Contact is to facilitate the healing process, enable you to analyze the failed relationship from a third person point-of-view and to help you regain your identity or control of your life in terms of severing the emotional bonding to enable you to recover from the breakup, and move on with your life.

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Points to Remember

  1. NC aids in the healing process. You are hurting as a result of the breakup. The only way to heal from the ‘wound’ inflicted in your ‘heart’ is by applying No Contact rule.
  2. It aids in getting rid of negative emotions from controlling your life. When allowed to continue for long, the destructive emotions may affect you negatively physically, spiritually and psychologically.
  3. It aids you in focusing ahead. You don’t want to be thinking about your ex and the good side of the relationship all the time. You have a life. You need to be aware of it. Your goals, ambitions, dreams etc. It helps you to stop living in the world of your ex.
  4. It aids in re-energizing you. After a breakup a person loses the will power to move on. A person feels emotionally crippled – emotionally drained which affects your physical body. In order to regain psychological strength you need to apply NC rule.
  5. NC is not so much as a way of getting your ex back or to make your ex miss you. It is all about you. It is for your own benefit.
  6. It aids you in being able to analyze the relationship on the positive and negative side. After analyzing it you will be able to make correct judgment regarding it. Is it better or not to try to get your ex back?
  7. It aids you in making use of your hobbies which you had neglected. Hobbies will enable you to appreciate life heal from the heart have a positive mentality get rid of negative emotions and have hope.
  8. It holds you back from trying to convince your ex why the decision he made was wrong. What happens when you keep doing that? Your ex will get annoyed and it will cause ‘fights’ in form of words. The ex will despise you the more.
  9. It aids in regaining your self-esteem and overcoming depression. Breakups tend to affect someone’s self-esteem and the person ends up depressed and having low self-worth.
  10. It aids you in erasing the image of your ex. As long as you let images of your ex form a major part in your mind is as long as you are letting your ex control your mind. As long as he controls your mind you will not heal from the heart and you will be unmotivated to continue on with your life. You will be a living a fed-up life.
  11. It acts as a proof to you and your ex you can be happy without your ex. Happiness does not derive from having a relationship with him. It comes from within.
  12. Lastly it helps you not to be a beggar. You don’t need to become a beggar by begging your ex. NC will open your ‘eyes’ as to why you don’t need to beg.

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