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The Benefits of No Contact Rule After a Relationship Break Up

Updated on August 5, 2017
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An expert in relationship matters, the following are articles which I've written which touch upon relationship issues.

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You are grieving the death of the relationship. You don’t know what to do and not to do, what to think and not to think. Thoughts, thoughts, you are asking yourself a lot of questions. The answers, the answers aren’t satisfactory. Why? Why? Questions, questions but the answers aren’t comforting or plausible. Should you be happy you broke up with your partner or the relationship came to an end? No, you aren’t really happy the relationship came to an end. Should you try to get back your ex, to revive the relationship or should you move on?

What about the emotional pain? You are hurting. The pain, the pain is enormous trying to articulate it in words is next to impossible. Why me? You keep asking yourself. What did I do to deserve this? You are unsure if you will ever heal from the hurt. You feel you’re the only one experiencing the pain and you’re convinced no one will help you to heal and recover from the breakup. All you need is your ex, to feel the warmth of the relationship. No, what you’re wishing is for the ground to swallow you.

What should you do? You need to apply the No Contact Rule. It might be hard to put into effect this rule. You might think No Contact rule is something that cannot work out; you will not benefit from it. This is not the case. There are benefits to be derived when you employ this rule.

What Is No Contact Rule?

No Contact means you are not going to initiate any form of contact or communication. You are not going to get in touch with your ex in whatever form until you benefit from applying this rule.

Consequently, No Contact means:

  1. You are not going to initiate any form of call or text – both normal calls and texts and online calls and texts such as Skype, Whatsapp, Facebook and through other social media sites.
  2. No stalking your ex. You are not going to act like a hunter trailing your ex through social media sites and physically. You are not going to spend your time tracking your ex because you’re desperate and needy.
  3. No accidental bumping. They aren’t accidental bumping but intended bumping. The reason they are called accidental bumping is because when you meet your ex face-to-face you’ll give out a lot of stammering excuses and convince him and yourself it’s an accidental bumping.
  4. Don’t frequent spots you know you won’t miss your ex because he likes visiting those places. It is not that you want to talk to him but the sight of him in order to feel you’re still together with him or to ‘kill’ the loneliness you feel. You feel a little bit satisfied by carrying out this action.
  5. No using your mutual friends to get information about your ex. You are doing this to gain more information such as whether he has a new girlfriend, whether he is thinking of getting back with you or he no longer wants to see you.

Some conditions may warrant you to initiate contact or respond to your ex’s texts and/or calls. In case of an emergency or there is an urgent message you need to deliver to your ex, don’t refrain from telling him. If he sends you an emergent text, do respond. However, ensure the communication doesn’t revolve on the failed relationship.

It is imperative to note there is a difference between No Contact and Limited Contact. If you contact your ex for a few days or less than two weeks, then it cannot be said you’re applying No Contact. In essence, you’re implementing Limited Contact.

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The Limited Contact Rule

Also known as Minimal Contact or Low Contact, generally, this rule applies to individuals:

  1. Who are not able to endure for more than two weeks without fighting off the urge to contact their ex. A week appears like one year, being patient is impossible, thereby they fall short of reaching the two weeks required of No Contact to at least benefit as a result of putting into effect this rule.
  2. Who conditions they’re in, they will have to meet their ex on daily basis, for example, if they work in the same place or study at the same class with their ex. They will be required to be in contact with their ex.
  3. Lastly, if the individual has a child with her ex. the person wants to talk to his child and the only possible way to do so is through her ex if she is the one who is taking care of the child.

In spite of the above circumstance you might find yourself in, it is possible to affect the No Contact rule. For instance, in the first situation you have to be determined to not contact your ex for a period of two weeks or more until you feel it is time to end the No Contact rule. In the second situation you can talk with your ex but as long as you don’t touch on the failed relationship, the two of you and the coming back together of the two of you. In the third state, only call your ex to talk to your child. You can decide not to call your ex in order to get to your child but do let your ex know that.

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How Long Should The No Contact Proceed

There are no express rules. You will have to determine for yourself if it is time to end the No Contact or you should continue to apply it. The NC might run even for months or years. In fact it can run indefinitely.

Generally, NC should not be applied under the duration of two weeks. It should start from two weeks onwards. The average period recommended is one month. This is because by this time, one month, the healing process will have commenced. Once the healing process has begun, it will be easier to think constructively without hurtful emotions dictating your decisions or line of thoughts.

In addition, the duration of NC might depend on how long you have been in relationship with your ex. Apparently, if you have been in relationship with your ex for six years applying NC for one month is a short period of time. The longer the relationship the more length of time you will need to affect No Contact rule.

Nonetheless, you can deduce whether it’s time to end the relationship when:

  1. The hurt is no longer too painful.
  2. You are able to think clearly without the hurtful emotions dictating your line of thoughts.
  3. The healing process has already begun.
  4. You’re confident you won’t come out too needy or feel like crumbling down when your ex contacts you out of the blue, or when you contact your ex.
  5. When the negative emotions don’t dictate your decision making, seem to have a large control of your mind or it appears the emotions are controlling of your life.

Determination In Applying The Rule

Some people will find it hard to apply the No Contact rule. Nonetheless, if you are determined, that is, focused knowing the reason of affecting this rule, you can be able not to contact your ex for more than two weeks. There is no impossibility when the possibility exists.


What You Need To Do When Applying No Contact Rule

When applying the No Contact Rule:

  • Ensure you have stored your ex’s number far away so as to avoid the temptation to call or text him. As long as his number is in your phone list, you’ll always feel the urge to call or text him. You can decide to delete his number(s).
  • Also this applies to social media sites. If you have a social media account and your ex is one of your friends, it is better to unfriend him. This will prevent you from stalking your ex or the need to say “Hi, I thought of stopping by to say Hi.” You can decide to block him. Later if you want you can unblock him then send him a friend request.
  • Lastly, ensure you’re not idle. You should involve yourself in different activities in order not to allow your mind to become idle. It doesn’t mean you become too busy you don’t have time to rest. You do need time to rest your mind and body but refrain from entertaining the thoughts of your ex and the good side of the failed relationship.


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Benefits of No Contact Rule

There are three major benefits of undertaking this path. They are:

a) Time To Heal

When a break up happens, a person feels hurt. It signifies this person is feeling a form of pain similar to physical pain. In this case he is feeling emotional pain. In essence it denotes a ‘wound’ has been created in his ‘heart.’ In order for the wound to be healed it needs to be treated.

No Contact will aid you in healing from the hurt that was caused as a result of the breakup. Since you are no longer in contact with your ex, day-by-day the images of your ex will begin fading. The thoughts of him will begin dwindling and you will not be missing him a lot. As long as you’re in contact with your ex is as long as you’ll never heal. The contact will keep reminding you of the failed relationship and that he is no longer with you.

When you’re not in contact you’ll be in a good stand to think clearly and know what is required of you in order to ease the pain and finally to ensure you no longer feel pain in your ‘heart.’ You will learn the importance of forgiveness, of not escaping from hurtful emotions and the importance of dealing with negative emotions and so forth.

Click on this link > Steps to Healing & Recovery from Hurt < to learn how to heal from hurt and recover from the breakup.


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b) Time To Reflect

Given that you are not in contact with your ex, it will be easier to think clearly about the failed relationship and the direction you want to head to. You cannot think clearly by analyzing and evaluating the failed relationship if you’re still feeling the pain at its maximum level. It is until the pain has subsided it is possible to think without a doubt concerning the failed relationship, where you are, about your ex and what to do next.

You don’t want to run back to your ex blindly neither do you want to carry out hasty decisions. You want to carry out decisions which you will not regret later of having followed them through. You don’t want hurtful emotions to aid you in your thinking and decision making.

You want to be sober, judging the failed relationship clear-headedly – not controlled by hurtful emotions – and knowing which steps you need to embark on without any predisposition.

If you remain in contact with your ex you will become more confused. In addition, the hurtful emotions will make it hard to think clearly leading you to carry out hasty and undetermined decisions.

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c) Control Power

No one wants to be controlled. This is the reason why every person has free-will. It doesn’t feel good to be controlled. When your ex ended the relationship it felt he had control of the relationship. You were like a slave or a luggage in the back seat steered this way and the other way. It felt like you had no say in the relationship.

In another case it felt like your ex was controlling the steering wheel the reason you ended the relationship. The continuous hurt – it was too much you couldn’t endure it any longer. Thereby, you decided to end the relationship.

When you apply the No Contact rule you regain control of your life. Now, no one is controlling your life. You don’t feel like a prisoner or caged animal. The NC will aid you in regaining your self-esteem if you developed low self-worth as a result of the breakup or during the relationship. The NC will help you to appreciate yourself.

It is not revenge but a fair game of win-win. As long as you feel you’re the winner on justifiable or honest grounds is as long as you will feel good about yourself. When you are in control of your life and in a situation it will be easier to know which necessary steps to undertake.

Why The No Contact Rule Works

No Control Rule in Getting Your Ex Back

Is it possible to get back your ex by applying this rule? It is possible. There are reports of individuals who got back their exes as a result of using the NC rule. Be that as it may, the figures aren’t too large. This indicates it is not a hundred percent guarantee once you use NC with the intention of getting back your ex, you will indeed get back your ex.

The Internet is full of advice on how to get back your ex by using No Contact. Should you follow their advice? You Can. Even so, you should be aware No Contact is one of the factors which can aid you in getting back your ex. In its entirety it cannot make it possible to get back your ex. Reading the guidelines on how to use NC to get back your ex may look easy but it is not easy.

On the contrary, it is difficult. There are factors which you need to consider if you want to get back your ex.

If these factors are in your favor, then No Contact will work out but not in aiding you to get back your ex. It will assist you not to be needy and desperate once you approach your ex for the possibility of a comeback.

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First, let us see which factors you need to consider. Below are some of the factors?

  • The length of the relationship. If the length of the relationship was one month, applying No Contact will not bear any fruit. The emotional bond was and is not strong.
  • How did the break up occur? If there was a lot of drama then it is hard for NC to work out.
  • Which reason led to your ex ending the relationship? The reason matters a lot because your ex will stand by it even if you apply the NC rule.
  • What decision has your ex arrived at considering there is the possibility she is also applying this rule?
  • Before your ex ended the relationship was she seeing another man? If it is the case applying this rule to get her back is very hard.

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The best the NC can do is to make your ex miss you. Since the communication has been severed, then it is right to begin missing someone whom you’ve become familiar with.

What many forget to know is No Contact brings out the best of you. It makes you a stronger person since you’re emotionally healthy than you were before, you become more mature than you were before, you are focused since you now know which steps to undertake – what to do and not to do as the hurtful emotions no longer influence your thinking, and you’re a different person as you have noted which areas to change in your life.

In reality, NC doesn’t help you in getting back your ex. If you are intending to use No Contact for the sole purpose of getting back your ex, then it will come as a disappointment. During the period of No Contact you will have gain a deeper insight about the failed relationship and all that revolves around you and your ex thereby knowing whether you should try to get back your ex or not.

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Points to Remember

  1. No Contact aids in the commencement of the healing process. Since you have created a boundary between you and your ex, it will be possible to realize the healing process taking place and eventual recovery.
  2. It aids in getting rid of negative emotions from having negative effects in your life – physically, psychologically and spiritually. When you’re still in contact with your ex, it’s hard to get rid of the negative emotions of which it signifies you’re still experiencing emotional pain.
  3. It aids you in becoming composed, that is, relaxed. You will become calm. You will have peace of mind and heart. You don’t want to appear desperate. Being desperate shows you’re needy. It is not a good attitude as your ex may take advantage of it to manipulate you, or you will lose your chance of getting back your ex as you will become an irritant to him. In addition, it will appear as if you don’t have a life of your own – you’re living the life of someone else.
  4. It will act as a confirmation to you and your ex you can survive and live without your ex. You can make it in life without your ex. You can enjoy your life without your ex. In short, you can be independent of mind, heart and body without the need of depending on your ex.
  5. It aids you in focusing ahead. You don’t want to be thinking about your ex and the good side of the relationship all the time. You have a life. You need to be aware of it. Your goals, ambitions, dreams etc. It helps you to stop living in the world of your ex.
  6. It aids in re-energizing you. After a breakup a person loses the will power to move on. A person feels emotionally crippled – emotionally drained which affects your physical body. In order to regain psychological strength you need to apply NC rule.
  7. NC is not so much as a way of getting your ex back or to make your ex miss you. It is all about you. It is for your own benefit.
  8. It aids you in being able to analyze the relationship on the positive and negative side. After analyzing it you will be able to make correct judgment regarding it. Is it better or not to try to get your ex back?
  9. It aids you in making use of your hobbies which you had neglected. Hobbies will enable you to appreciate life, heal from the hurt, have a positive mentality, get rid of negative emotions and have hope.
  10. It holds you back from trying to convince your ex why the decision he made was wrong. What happens when you keep doing that? Your ex will get annoyed and it will cause ‘fights’ in form of words. The ex will despise you the more.
  11. It aids in regaining your self-esteem and overcoming depression. Breakups tend to affect someone’s self-esteem and the person ends up depressed and having low self-worth.
  12. It aids you in erasing the image of your ex. As long as you let images of your ex form a major part in your mind is as long as you are letting your ex control your mind. As long as he controls your mind you will not heal from the heart and you will be unmotivated to continue on with your life. You will be a living a fed-up life.
  13. It acts as a proof to you and your ex you can be happy without your ex. Happiness does not derive from having a relationship with him. It comes from within.
  14. Lastly, it helps you to realize the futility of being a beggar. You’ll realize you have your own dignity and you don’t need to lower your worth in order for him to accept your unending pleadings for another chance. NC will open your ‘inner’ eyes as to why you don’t need to beg (even if you had begged why you don’t need to beg anymore).

© 2016 Alianess Benny Njuguna

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