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What Are the Rules and Benefits of the No Contact Rule After a Breakup

This is my purpose in life: to better myself through knowledge and help others do the same. I hope you enjoy my writing.

You've broken up with your ex, and you aren't sure which next step to take - move on with your life or try to get your ex back. More so, the pain you're feeling is unbearable you are uncertain whether you'll recover from the breakup. How will you get through the breakup when the wound inflicted on your heart by the breakup is becoming sorer day-by-day. Is it possible to get rid of the pain?

The answer is 'Yes.' You can minimize the psychological pain, and eventually be free from the pain when you employ the no contact.

No contact isn't a newly-coined term. It has been practised for ages by people who have undergone a breakup. It's been proven effective in assisting an individual to heal and recover from the breakup.

In this article, we will look at what no contact is, the no contact rule, its benefits, and how you can recover from the breakup by using the no contact. It won't be easy for many, but your determination to recover from the breakup will increase its usefulness in acting as a buddy to get over the breakup.


What Is the No Contact?

No contact is the arrestment or cessation of any form of communication with an ex for a certain period of time. It implies not initiating nor responding to contact from an ex until a specific period of time has expired, or when an individual is no longer heavily-weighed down by the hurtful emotions that usually accompany a breakup.

Discipline or self-control is highly required when exercising no contact so as not to jeopardize the benefits derived from employing this technique after the occurrence of a breakup. Consequently, you should cease the following:

  • No calling your ex nor responding to his/her call
  • No texting your ex nor replying to his/her texts


  • You shouldn't stalk your ex, either in-person or on social media sites.
  • You should block your ex from the list of your friends on your social media account(s) e.g. Facebook so as to bar your ex from contacting you or being tempted to contact him/her.
  • You should not go to places where your ex frequents so as to get a glimpse of him/her.
  • You should avoid creating an environment where you 'accidentally' bump on your ex, and act as if you're surprised to see them.
  • Don't use a friend or friends you mutually share with your ex to get updated details about him/her e.g. is he/she seeing another man/woman?

How Long Should No Contact Last?

The suggested minimum period of exercising no contact is two weeks. However, the preferred minimum period is one month. How long you should exercise no contact depends on several factors. They include:

  • Has the healing process begun its course?
  • Are you still living in the fantasy world with your ex in it?
  • Are the hurtful emotions still causing havoc in your life?
  • Do you feel your life is still empty without your ex in it?
  • Are you depressed?
  • Have you become addicted to drugs and alcohol to make it through the day, or find sleep?
  • Are you still needy or desperate to get back with your ex?

It's recommended the maximum period of enacting no contact should be between three to six months, with an exception of one year (particularly for relationships that spun many years).

Does the No Contact Rule Work?

The answer depends on whether it's effective in aiding you to recover from the breakup or in enabling you, somehow effortlessly, to get your ex back. If it's the latter, there are some reservations. There are reports of individuals who reunited with their ex through the use of no contact. The percentage of the successful stories of exes getting back together is low indicating it doesn't work for the hundreds of breakups that occur yearly; worldwide.

It should be noted that the no contact doesn't in itself assist an individual to get his/her ex back. Instead, it's to work in collaboration with other factors outlined below. How healthy and stable the relationship was, and the manner of breakup, can work in favour of an individual in getting back his/her partner, or turn out to be disadvantageous. Sometimes, luck might play a hand in the success of reunification.

Other than than how healthy and stable the relationship was, and the implementation of the no contact, other factors that might propel the possibility of a reconciliation between you and your ex are:

  • The length of the relationship.
  • The personality of your ex.
  • Whether your ex is exercising no contact.
  • The reason for the breakup.
  • Whether your ex is seeing another person.
  • Whether both of you share a child, property, business, and so on.
  • How the relationship ended - did it end on a good note, or was it characterized by dramatic reactions from either your or your ex, or both of you.
  • Your ex's decision never to get back with you.

The Benefits of the No Contact Rule

1. It Gives You Time to Heal

According to psychologist Jill Weber, staying out of contact with your ex is one of the most important things you can do when recovering from a breakup or from a divorce.

Healing occurs through recognizing the negative emotions that sprout from a breakup for what they're, experiencing them, and dealing with them by getting rid of them - not entertaining the emotions anymore e.g. not being angry at your ex or yourself).

When you keep in contact with your ex, you're in essence trying to suppress the emotions so that you don't feel the pain that emanates from experiencing them.

An untreated psychological pain can complicate a relationship (be it the reunion or new relationship) or intensify the worsening condition of a relationship. Something said or done by your reunited or a new partner can trigger the suppressed emotions in the subconscious mind leading to eruption of new problems or worsening the present ones.

Healing doesn't occur quickly depending on various factors such as the length of the relationship, how much you invested in the relationship, how the relationship was like (e.g. if your ex was abusive), was the breakup dramatic, whether you've family and/or friends support, and so on. However, your determination to recover from the breakup will shorten the length of healing because it's all about taking the necessary steps to heal and recover from the breakup.

2. It Gives You Time to Reflect

Given that you're not in contact with your ex, your mind won't be distracted by focusing on your ex instead of the relationship.

By keeping your ex at a bay, your mind Will be free to analyze the relationship both from the positive and negative side, and come up with an informed decision - move on with your life without your ex, or try to get him/her back.

Reflecting on the relationship involves analyzing the failed relationship from the third person point-of-view. This is to avoid being based in analyzing the relationship which might compromise making an informed decision.

You shouldn't let the hurtful emotions join you in contemplating about the relationship.

3. It Helps You Regain Control and Power Over Your Life

It might feel as if you're not in control of your life, particularly if you're the one who was dumped, or your partner is abusive. The hurtful emotions can overwhelm to the extent you feel you can't free yourself from their grasp.

A breakup has the capacity to break you down to the point you feel you can never recover from the breakup. You wish to end your life so that you can relieve yourself from the intense pain you're feeling.

You can achieve your dignity, worthiness, and a hold of your present and future life by taking back control of the steering wheel. You become the driver of your life by not letting the powerful and negative emotions, the images of your ex, the good times you had with your ex from imprisoning your mind, and heart.

It might appear using no contact is a means of revenging against your ex, but far from it, the purpose of no contact is to help you not to drown in a sea of negative emotions; never to rise out of the breakup.

Other Benefits of No Contact and Reasons Why It's Effective

  1. It helps keep excess negative emotions from affecting your life physically, psychologically, and spiritually. When you’re still in contact with your ex, it’s hard to get rid of the negative emotions that you associate with them.
  2. It helps you relax. Though it will be difficult (especially at the beginning), the determination to keep No Contact will help you become calm. You will have peace of mind and heart.
  3. It will keep you from seeming desperate. It's not good to seem desperate or needy since your ex may try to take advantage of you or manipulate you. You could also lose the chance of getting back together with them if you annoy them. It will seem as if you don’t have a life of your own and that you need someone else to be happy.
  4. It helps you focus. You don’t want to be thinking about your ex and your previous relationship all of the time. You have a life. Be aware of your goals, ambitions, and dreams. Stop living in your ex's world.
  5. It will re-energize you. After a breakup, some people feel emotionally crippled or drained, which can affect the physical body. The distance will make space for new energy in your life.
  6. It helps you see both the positive and negative parts of the relationship so you can better judge whether or not you should get back together.
  7. It helps you rediscover the hobbies that you had neglected. Hobbies help you appreciate life, heal from hurt, have a positive mentality, get rid of negative emotions, and have hope.
  8. It will keep you from trying to convince your ex that the decision they made was wrong. That will only make you keep getting into fights with them, and it will not earn you the respect of your ex.
  9. It helps you regain self-esteem. You will feel proud of yourself for being able to go for a prolonged period of time without contacting your ex.
  10. It helps you erase the image of your ex. When you let images of your ex form a major part of what you think about, you are letting your ex control your mind. As long as they control it, you will not heal, and you will be unmotivated to move on with your life.
  11. It will prove to you that you can be happy and survive without your ex. Happiness does not come from having a relationship with someone else. It comes from within.
  12. Lastly, it helps you realize that begging doesn't get you anywhere. You’ll realize you have your dignity and that you don’t need to lower your self-worth for someone to accept you. NC will open your eyes so you can see that you don't need to beg.

Tips on How to Recover from a Breakup

When you have applied the no contact, you can work on the following suggested tips which will propel you towards the road to recovery.

a) Admit the Reality of the Breakup

Don't encosurage yourself the breakup didn't occur. It's a small understanding. In a few days we will get back together, and the relationship will sail on without any huddle. Sure you might salvage the relationship by getting back together. However, are you sure the reason(s) that led to the breakup won't lead to another breakup?

You shouldn't wave off the reasons that led to the breakup as insignificant it or will be soughted with ease; and the relationship will be back on track. Also, you should not pretend us if the breakup isn't a big deal. Don't reply to the concern voices of your loved ones or friends, "The breakup hasn't affected me in any way."

When the reality of the breakup hits you - a few days to weeks after the breakup - the pain you'll feel will be unreasonable; and you'll take a lengthy to heal.

b) Embrace the Hurtful Emotions

Emotions are conscious manifestations of a wounded heart. Suppressing or escaping from the emotions doesn't mean you've dealt with the emotions for good. In essence, you've pushed them to your subconscious mind. This can prove catastrophic when an event, or something having been said your partner (current or previous) triggers the emotions that you locked in your subconscious mind. The emotions might drive you to react devilishly, might lead to a breakup (with your current or previous partner), or mess with your mind e.g. becoming diagnosed as clinically depressed.

The body has to experience the hurtful emotions so that it can become aware something hurtful has occurred. This will arm it with the knowledge that it needs to deal with the emotions so that it can break free from them.

c) Don't Entertain the 'Sweet' Thoughts

They aren't helping you other than making your life miserable. Stop reliving the memorable days, or thinking so much about your ex. Extinguish the desire of thinking about your ex, and they good moments you had.

By doing so, you're suppressing the emotions. Furthermore, you're hurting yourself the more thereby increasing the wound in your heart as the reality doesn't agree with your thoughts or the fantasy world you've created with your ex in it.

d) Get Rid of Them

It doesn't benefit you when you browse the photos of your ex, or the shots of your ex and you. Don't open that video, and relive the past. You should only do this when you've recovered from the breakup.

For now, put the photos of your ex away from you. You might tear them into pieces or even burn them. The same goes for videos. Store them away or delete them.

You might be tempted to have a look at the photos or look at the videos.

e) Unfriend or Block Your Ex

There is nothing wrong in informing your ex of your decision to unfriend or block them. It shows you do care about your ex.

By unfriending or blocking your ex from your social media accounts, you're saving yourself of the pain you'll feel by reading their posts, browsing your ex's photos and videos.

f) Stop Blaming

Your ex might have been the cause of the breakup. Or, you might have caused your ex to end the relationship. However might have been the cause of the breakup, or whatever reason might have to the end of the relationship, blaming yourself or your ex won't make you feel any better.

If you're the one in the wrong, admit it. And pledge, you'll change for the better by rectifying the behaviour(s) or attitidue(s) that might have led to the breakup.

g) Forgive and Forget

It's a difficult undertaking to forgive your ex or yourself as the cause of the breakup. Maybe, you weren't the cause of the breakup. However, you feel bad about yourself thinking you're the factor in the demise of the relationship.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you're in agreement with your ex having hurt you. It doesn't mean you condone what he/she did to you. It doesn't mean you give him a foothold to hurt you again. Forgiveness is for your benefit; not his/hers unless he/she asks for your forgiveness.

Forgiveness is for your benefit because it's the door through which the negative emotions find their way out. It entails opening the doors of your heart, and letting the emotions fly away.

Simply, forgiveness is accepting your ex hurtyou (or you hurt your ex), and determined not to hold a grudge or hatred towards him/her (or yourself).

When you forgive; try to forget.

Remember, if you don't forgive your ex, you'll never heal and recover from the breakup.

h) Let It Out

Have someone to share what you're feeling. Don't suffer alone. Your loved ones and/or friends are a reliable support since they want the best from you.

If you don't feel in confiding to your loved ones or friends, you can always seek professional help. You can also join social groups that help people overcome their breakup.

i) Jot Down

How are you feeling since the breakup? Are you making any progress? What lessons have you learned from the breakup? What can you do alleviate pain, and ensure you've recovered from the breakup? These are some of the things you should note in your notebook, journal or even on your smartphone, tablet, iPad or even a laptop.

J) Enjoy Your Life

Don't close yourself for long in your room. Go out and feel the beauty of the world. Visit an animal orphanage, a national park or reserve. Meet with friends. Watch movies. Listen to inspiring songs. Go and play with your friends. Read a book. Walk down the street. Engage in your hobbies. Exercise (at home or a gym centre). Enjoy your favourite food. Play with your pet, or get one.

In short, find anything that can will distract your mind from thinking about your ex, and the failed relationship all the time. Find an activity that will help you appreciate your life, and the world you live in (even though it's full of heartache, there's still enough to behold). You can even volunteer.

Closing off, "NC is a means of mentally emotionally and physically distancing yourself from somebody so that you can gain perspective, grieve the loss of the relationship and take back control if yourself and rebuild your life so that you can move on. You give yourself space and time to do this by eradicating/limiting all of your contact with the other person so that you can face the loss without disruption that will otherwise set you back and potentially keep you stuck in a cycle of unhealthy behaviour." (Natalie Lue, author of The No Contact Rule)

Closing off, Natalie Lue, in her book, 'The No Contact Rule' states, "NC is a means of mentally emotionally and physically distancing yourself from somebody so that you can gain perspective, grieve the loss of the relationship and take back control if yourself and rebuild your life so that you can move on. You give yourself space and time to do this by eradicating/limiting all of your contact with the other person so that you can face the loss without disruption that will otherwise set you back and potentially keep you stuck in a cycle of unhealthy behaviour."

Your Take

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: Should I do no contact if it was a 2-year relationship and she broke it off because of constant fights? If so, how long do you recommend for no contact?

Answer: I apologize for taking long to respond. You are right. You should exercise the No Contact Rule. A month is preferable but you have to let her know you won't talk to her for a month. Since two years is a lengthy period, a month is preferable so as to gain the benefits of this rule.

Question: My boyfriend stopped contacting me out of the blue. I have sent text messages and I can see he has seen them but does not reply. Two weeks later, I sent him another text asking for a reason for disappearing on me, I need closure. It has been a month, nothing. What can I do?

Answer: Your boyfriend has used a method known as the silent treatment. This is when a person either doesn't care or doesn't have the courage to tell his partner he has ended the relationship. Don't mind him again. Move on. Wait after two weeks, a month is preferable, then contact him through text. Ask him if he doesn't want to continue in the relationship he should tell you so you can move on with your life. If he responds or doesn't, wish him all the best and thank him for everything. I advise that even if he gives an excuse for his silence after you've contacted him, you should not get back with him. During this period of no contact, don't think about him. Do your own thing. Unfriend or block him from your social media accounts, store away his number or delete them. You have to move on even though it hurts. Life has to go on.

If he cared he should have responded but lack of response shows how he doesn't mind you. Thus, you shouldn't worry yourself about him. But don't forget to forgive him. I have written an article about forgiveness, no contact rule, and how to heal & recover from a breakup. You might want to check on them.

Question: My girlfriend broke up with me because she said she wasn’t mentally in the relationship anymore. What does that mean?

Answer: It means she has given up being in the relationship with you. She does not feel she has the energy, the will or desire to be in the relationship anymore. She wants a break from the relationship. She is tired of being in the relationship and does not feel she wants to be in the relationship anymore.

Question: My girlfriend said she’s not in love with me. We had no drama, cursing nor fighting. I was good to her. Do you think no contact will win her back?

Answer: No contact is a 50-win or a 50-lose game. It is as if you are playing wild-card game or poker. You don't know if there is a chance of getting her back or not if your main idea is to try to win her back. You can try what is referred to as "Limited Contact." Do not contact her for a week to test the water. If she is not bothered with your silence then you will no longer she no longer has any feelings for you. You would have exercised no contact which runs for a minimum period of two weeks but in your case, it might not work properly because she said she no longer loves and you haven't done anything to cause it. It might be good to not contact her for a week and try to reflect on what might have led her to utter such a statement. It might be something not related to you. Is she seeing another person or does she have a second opinion of you?

Question: Should I initiate No Contact? Our relationship was 3-years old but she broke up with me because she didn't have feelings for me anymore. After 20 days of having broken up, we had a little fight. Do you think it will work?

Answer: It might work because it appears there is an issue or problem that led to the breakup. No contact will enable both of you to distance yourselves from each other, have some peace of mind and heart. It will enable you to reflect on the relationship and what you need to do to save the relationship. After ending NC find an appropriate way of asking her to meet each other with the intention of solving the issues which during the NC you saw are contributing to the fights. You should approach her in a manner it won't create another fight.

Question: My boyfriend left me because he thinks that I won't be happy with him and I deserve a better guy but the fact is that I love him and he loves me too. I haven't contacted him for the last 2 weeks. Till now no sign from him. Will it really work? We had a relationship of 2.5 years.

Answer: You shouldn't continue with the no contact rule for long in your situation.

From your description, he feels unworthy of you. He feels you're better off with another guy. He might be suffering from low self-esteem or you're quite a beauty or something about you that makes him feel you deserve a better guy; not him.

You need to convince him that you're okay with him and it does hurt for him to tell you that. You chose to be with him thus he means a lot to you. There are many things that can make an individual end a relationship because he/she feels unworthy or fit to be in a relationship with another person.

Don't carry the no contact rule for long. It might register in his mind you've accepted his proposal thus the end of the relationship.

Plan on how you'll convince him that you love him as he does love you; and you're happy to be with him and he means everything to you. Something quite striking about you makes him feel that way.

Question: My boyfriend and I were in a relationship for 10 years. We started as friends and fell in love for the past 2 years. When I asked him about marriage, he said the marriage between us cannot work out but still loves me. I accepted his reasons and was okay with no marriage. But within 2 days of this issue, he got possessive over me going out with my friends and got angry with me. I called him and texted him multiple times but he is not responding. What should I do about my boyfriend's lack of response?

Answer: Leave him. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't want to get married. You want to get married but he is okay with the idea of not get married. It would have been okay if he had said that you wait for a period of time. By saying marriage won't work out between the two of you, he is saying that he isn't committed to the relationship.

A partner being possessive of another partner isn't a good sign of a healthy relationship. Again, he is going out with your friends and doesn't respond to your texts.

Your boyfriend lacks respect. He doesn't respect you or your relationship. I can't believe his assertion that he loves you. If he loves you, he can't behave in that manner.

It's time to call the shots - end the relationship. I wouldn't advise you to continue with the relationship Ben if he pleads for another chance or for the relationship to continue.

He is using you. That is not love.

Question: I just got dumped after 8 months. I came to America to visit my family for the holidays and she went to Australia. Within the 5 weeks that we haven’t seen each other, she tells me she doesn’t feel the same and is afraid of being in a long term serious relationship all of a sudden. She said she is confused and doesn’t want to lose me but she still ended it. We’ve never fought, and we get along very well. I’m 25 and she’s 20. She’s meant to fly here in a week what do I do?

Answer: As I can deduce from her age, she is afraid of committing herself to a long-term relationship at her 'tender/younger' age. She isn't prepared and dreads at the thought of committing to the relationship. Again there are many things that might be confusing her regarding relationship and anything else related to romantic relationships. She is overwhelmed with the realization what is involved in relationship.

In your case, you shouldn't exercise no contact immediately. If you do so, she might become more confused and think you no longer have any feelings for her.

After she arrives in a week's time, do welcome her the normal way you do without touching about the relationship. Then, you should give her a few days to settle before you call her to arrange when to meet. This is when you should discuss the relationship to get a good picture. You might need to adjust on your side if you feel the need to do so by assessing what was discussed.

Only employ no contact if she wants to be left alone. When she arrives don't pressure her. Before you meet, talk in a casual manner to give her some time before you ask her to meet together when she feels comfortable.

Remember her decision to end the relationship isn't certain because as she said, she's overwhelmed.

Question: Should I go for no contact rule if it was a 6 year relationship and he broke up because of trust issues? If yes, how long should I implement it?

Answer: Since he broke up with you because of trust issues, no contact won't assist you in getting him back. It will paint a picture in his mind he was right concerning you - you can't be trusted.

I would say, wait for a few days then send him a message. In it include that you hope he will forgive you (if you were the one in the wrong) and you're patiently waiting for him to give you another chance. Let him know how much you love him. Then, wait for his response. It might take long but that's how far you can go - waiting without irritating him with many texts.

Question: He broke up with me a week ago after an amazing three months of dating because he thinks I'm too emotional. I know that he was happy spending time with me. We have had 2-3 arguments in the past over my emotional nature. He has my house key which I had asked him to return when we broke up, but he never returned it after I texted him asking if we could make things better. It has already been a week and neither of us has contacted the other. What do you suggest that I do?

Answer: You should exercise no contact rule for another two weeks. Don't contact him in any way. During this period, reflect on the failed relationship, let the healing process begin and work on the emotional thing.

If he contacts you during the period don't break the exercise. Later, you can send him a text telling him the reason you didn't reply - you wanted to heal from the pain that resulted from the breakup and to ponder on the failed relationship. If he responds you can work things out with him and how to solve the cause of the breakup. If he doesn't respond wait for about three days call or text him. If he doesn't respond it's time to move on with your life.

If he doesn't contact you during the no contact period move on with your life. But before you move on with your life, send him a text and thank him for everything and let him know if he doesn't want to return the key it's alright. You won't force him. You love him and hoped you would spend the rest of your life with him, but you have to move on with your life. However, if he comes to your house you will have nothing to do with him because he decided to end the relationship.

By not returning your key it signifies he has feelings for you, he still loves you. When his mind is made up, you will find him in your house when you arrive at your house from work. If it ever happens, at first it will come naturally of your insistence for him to leave but in time you will come calm and can discuss about the relationship. However, if you had already made up your mind to move on it acts as a stamp you have already decided you will never get back with him which is still okay.

You will have to way your choices carefully when he comes back: accept him or not.

Question: My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for six years. He has intense feelings for me for one week and the next week he says he wants to break up. Now he says he doesnt love me. But, I'm still in love with him. Will no contact rule help?

Answer: I feel for you. No contact will not help in getting him back or to make him miss you. He might miss you when you exercise no contact but his feelings for you won't change. He won't come back to you.

I pray you forget him. Don't hurt yourself anymore. You need to forget him. It's a sad thing to love someone but that person has mixed feelings for you.

Your ex's feelings for you are not constant. You have been hurting for six months. You need to rearrange your life by deciding to stop chasing after him.

A relationship is a two-way traffic or communication. You can't say in a relationship with someone who loves you one day and the next day he no longer has feelings for you. You can't stay in a relationship where you love the person but the person's feelings for you changes and wants a breakup.

I feel for you. I feel sad for you because you love the person too much but the person doesn't love you in such a manner. His love for you fluctuates. It's not constant.

Please, move on. Don't waste your precious time (life) trying to live with a person whose love for you is unpredictable. Life is short. Forget him and move on with your life.

Question: I’ve cheated on my ex wife and she no longer loves me because she’s hurt, and now she’s asking for a divorce, actually she started with the papers. We’ve been separated for 7 months but the problem is that we have four kids and we must communicate almost daily. I want her back! Could the NC rule work here, and could I get her back?

Answer: The NC might not play a big role in getting your ex back. Actually, it might appear to her it's the case you're still cheating on her. Again, it depends whether your ex is resolved to go through with the divorce.

I think it would be better to exercise NC in a period of two weeks which is the minimum. Then, you can contact her.

NC is ineffective in getting an ex back if the ex has resolved not to get back with his/her significant other. But you can always try your chance through NC. Some work, some don't. How you contact her after not contacting her for some time does matter a lot. So, tread carefully when you contact her.

Question: My ex broke up with me after almost nine years of being together, in which we had a long-distance relationship for three years and open relationship agreement. When we came back together, he broke up with me because I had a friend with benefits while living separately. He told me he doesn't see us together anymore in the future and that he doesn't love me anymore. I was trying everything to get him back. Can no contact help in this situation and for how long should it last?

Answer: Breaking someone's heart by betraying the trust he had put in you, it's usually difficult to get him back. The man does love you, and he can swear to his friends but getting back together is in most cases, hard. Even though he said there's no future between the two of you, one fact is he loves you. So, will no contact help you in getting him back?

It depends on your boyfriend. For now, it will be better if you stop contacting or pestering him. You're only making matters worse than they're. It's better to send him a text asking for forgiveness that he'll find in his heart the need to forgive you and that you're patiently waiting for him; then go no contact. If in the two week's period, the minimum time of exercising no contact, he doesn't respond then know it's over. During that period of silence, he'd have at least responded. Give him another two weeks, if he doesn't respond then contact him. He might respond positively or maintain there's no future between the two of you.

Question: I used no contact rule. It's been two months now. He's with his ex and I think they are happy. Should I unblock him or should I let it be? And also most guys ask me out but I think I'm not ready and scared they might do the same. I'm also scared to move on because he might come back, please what should I do?

Answer: Look at this scenario: He's back with his ex. They seem happy to be back to each other's arms. Here you are hurting and waiting hopefully for him. But, why would you want to get back with him when he reverted to his former relationship? You're afraid he might come back. But, don't you think you're doing yourself injustice? Don't you think you're treating yourself as a last resort for your ex if his relationship with his former girl hits a dead end?

Since he broke up with you and he saw it wise to get back with his former girlfriend, you should move on with your life. Don't imprison yourself or act as a consoling machine. Forget him and move on with your life. Don't wait for someone who's happy in another relationship. Whether he's happy in it or not, don't wait for him for a chance to he will be back. He ended the relationship and two months is a long time to wait.

Don't unblock him because you might be tempted to have a look at his status page and his profile to look at his photos and how he's doing with his girlfriend.

There are guys asking you for a date. Don't close the door of opportunity to them but don't be in a hurry to do accept their invitation.

You dream of having a hubby and a family. Don't let a breakup cause you to remain single or wait for your ex. In this life, life is inevitable. The most important thing is to learn how to deal with the hurt. Take it from someone who has undergone more than four breakups. You have to learn how to deal with hurt when a relationship comes to an end. According to scientific studies, in today's world it takes two to three breakups to settle with a partner.

When you are sure you have healed from the hurt and recovered from the breakup, and you are ready to move on; you can accept an invitation from one of them. You will know you're ready when you've healed and recovered from a breakup. For now, concentrate on yourself. You have to forget your ex. Maybe in future you'll find a man different from the ones asking you out.

A thought: Don't ever trust a person with all of your heart. Reserve a portion of it for yourself.

Question: My ex is very angry at me and she left me because I'm immature. Will she come back?

Answer: The probability of her coming back is slim. It will be very difficult because she sees you are not mature in a relationship.

Why don't you work on yourself by improving the things you are lacking? Don't do it to show off but for your own good. Who knows, she might come back when she notices the changes?

Question: My ex boyfriend and I haven’t spoken for 3 months. Before he just stopped contacting me, he said that I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had. Is there a chance of him contacting me again, or is he gone for good?

Answer: When someone tells you you've been the best girlfriend he's ever had, it is a clear sign he is gone for good. The statement means, "I will never find a better girlfriend than you. You will always remain special in my heart for the rest of my life."

You will have to move on with your life because that's just a compliment.

Question: My boyfriend of 5 years ended our relationship because he lost his love for me...What should I do to get him back? Will no contct help me?

Answer: NC might help you to some level. You will need to think or reflect why your boyfriend ended the relationship, and how the relationship was like. After the NC period, don't approach him out of neediness or desperation. Don't force if he doesn't want to be with you again. This is after you've tried twice or thrice during texting and calling. You will need to exercise NC for a month to get the desired effect.

The reason I have said NC will help you at some level is because he lost his love for you. When someone loses love for his partner, it's usually hard to get him to love his partner again the way he did. It's very difficult.

Question: My boyfriend hasn't spoken or contacted me for a month, I also haven't contacted him. What else should I do?

Answer: If you want to get him back, you should give yourself another week or two then contact him. If he doesn't respond or responds negatively when you contact wait for another few days then contact him. If he doesn't respond or responds negatively, it's better you move on with your life. It will appear as if you don't have a life of your own - desperate or needy by contacting him often.

Or, you can decide to take a somehow difficult path. Don't contact him at all. Since he's the one who ended the relationship and you didn't do anything bad, and he hasn't contacted you in any way for a month; it's better you move on with your life. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe not.

Question: My ex broke up with me after a year and a half of a relationship that was deep and connected. I went no contact for 2 months but he ke keeps contacting me whenever he gets a chance now. For example, he will say he's in a military break which is totally not my business. I don't want to speak to him nor break my no contact. He ignored me a million times before and treated me like trash. What should I do?

Answer: Whenever your ex sends a text or calls you don't reply or receive the call. When you do so even out of frustration because you want to tell him not to bother you, you give him the hope which he wants to cling to. He analyzes if you can respond there's a chance of you accepting him and reuniting.

When he dumped you and ignored your many texts and calls, and treated you like trash; he didn't feel a pinch of pain, regret or remorse. Now, he is feeling the pain of losing you. Thus, you shouldn't encourage any glimpse of hope which he might think it exists but isn't the case.

Send him a text letting him know what he had wanted from you, you had delivered to him. Now, it is his time to respect yours. You need space and time which is necessary which he shouldn't interfere with. You need time to reflect, heal and recover from the breakup. When you have gained the strength to move on, you will contact him when you feel the need to do so. At the moment, you want to restructure your life because you're hurting, unsure and want to make sense of things and arrange the things in your life.

When you send him such a text, don't respond to his texts or calls. At the last minute he will give up.

Question: Should I try out the no contact rule? I just started to. My boyfriend broke up with me because he claimed it felt different. He said I didn’t do anything wrong that I was good to him - he just feels weird. He told me to give him space, and maybe his opinion would change. I think we have a chance, but I need some advice.

Answer: You should exercise the no contact rule mostly for your own benefit. Some words that your ex muttered are worth reflecting. He said he feels different, weird and maybe there is a chance of the two of you getting together. This translates to he no longer wants to be in the relationship. Thus, don't exercise no contact to try to get him back. Move on with your life. Mind your things and work on fulfilling your goals and dreams. Let him contact you. If he does is because he's noticed you're moving on with your life. If he doesn't, there's no need of contacting him. You just go on with your life. I wouldn't advise after a period of not contacting him, you should contact him and try to get him back. He should be the one to chase after you. After all, he's the one who dumped you for no wrong on your side.

Question: My ex broke up with me and wants to immediately be friends. I think this is sick of him to ask and I put no contact in place. Yet he sends me an email talking about how he doesn't want us to break up on bad terms and he's ok with us talking from time to time. I see this as he doesn't want me to fully move on from him. Am I right?

Answer: You're right, being immediate friends will hinder you from moving on. There are a number of reasons why he wants to be immediate friends e.g he doesn't want to feel guilty of moving on, he always wants to hear your voice and doesn't want to feel alienated. Also, in some instances, an ex may not want his/her partner to move on after realizing he/she hasn't moved on - kind of jealous.

Whatever the reason, being friends immediately shouldn't be allowed. After you've moved on - many months later you can be friends but casual ones. For now, if you accept it, you'll never recover thus preventing you from moving on.

Question: How long should I go no contact after the end of a 13-year old relationship?

Answer: In your case, you will need to go no contact for more than one month because you were in a lengthy relationship. I would say between two to three months so as to heal and recover from the breakup.

If your intention is to reunite with your ex, a month would be sufficient.

Question: My boyfriend of six years ended our relationship. Is it possible to get him back if I do no contact?

Answer: No contact isn't a 100% guarantee of getting one's ex. It depends on various factors e.g why he ended the relationship. Later on, he might feel guilty of ending the relationship and so on.

However, by not contacting your ex, you'll pass the message it's alright, you've ended the relationship but I won't plead. It pains me, but I have to go on with my life.

Lastly, you can try your luck. Some individuals have been lucky in getting back their ex after exercising no contact. Thus after 2-3 weeks of no contact, you can contact your ex. Start smoothly and don't be needy or desperate. If it doesn't work you should admit there isn't more to do than to move on your with your life.

Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 months, long distance but see regularly each other and FaceTime daily for hours. He is insanely jealous. He constantly wants to know what I am doing 24x7 and when I don’t update nor call, he assumes I am two-timing or flirting. I am in love with him and very loyal. He broke up with me. Do you think the no contact rule is better for me to have him realize his mistakes or better for me to move on with my life?

Answer: Small doses of jealousy in a relationship is healthy but the kind of jealousy your boyfriend exhibits has gone overboard. It's unhealthy in a relationship and it will be disastrous when the two of you get married. You will be limited in whatever you do such as arriving early at home, staying indoors all weekend and even chatting with your male friends.

No contact will help to an extent. He will see he was on the wrong, will miss you and probably will contact you. With NC it doesn't necessarily mean he will contact you unless you take the first step. After the NC, will he have changed or will you be wasting your time and hurting yourself the more? Again, when you contact him after NC he might continue to see you as the one in the wrong.

I would suggest you move on with your life. But before you do so, don't contact your boyfriend for a month. Afterwards, send him a text that you have always loved him and still do. Let him know how jealousy is unfounded and it has hurt you and you still feel the pain and he has labeled you for something you have never done. You can't continue in the relationship with him not trusting you and if he doesn't deal with his jealousy, he will never succeed in any romantic relationship. He has to deal with it. As for your case you will move on with your life because he doesn't trust you. Wish him the best and let him know you wish to get back with him but until he does something about his jealousy, you can't continue in the relationship with him.

Question: After being married for twenty-five years, I've just now I have discovered my husband's infidelity for ten years. Is the no contact rule applicable?

Answer: Yes, you should exercise no contact. You need to have your own space to think things through, to make sense of your emotions, to know which way to go, to allow the healing process to begin and to find peace of mind and heart which as for now you're lacking.

Let him know you don't want to talk to him for some time. If you have children, it is better you stay with them but don't live together with him. Find another place.

Question: I was courting a girl for about seven months. She said that she loves me and won't get back with her ex. I started courting her one month after their breakup with her ex. They had been in the relationship for three years, and now she is back with her ex who cheated on her. What should I do? Is there a chance that she will come back to me?

Answer: The fact she went back to her ex indicates how much feelings she still has for her ex. It's very hard to get her back.

It's evident she had forgiven her ex after he apologized, and now they are back. Pleading, trying to tell her you love her won't make her return. What you can do is move on with your life.

If you've been trying to contact her, stop. Concentrate on yourself. It will be fruitless trying to get her back as it will lead to more heartbreak and regret.

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me. He was crying and very emotional when everything was loving days before. I was not the most supportive and loving partner even though he said I did nothing wrong. Will a no contact rule help me get him back?

Answer: It might help but not really. Unless you know the real reason why he broke up with you, NC might not help. However, you might want to improve in the areas he mentioned when exercising NC. It is preferable you use NC for more than 2 weeks. When you call him don't be desperate or needy and be ready if the answer is No. You will need to move on if the response is not positive.

Question: My girlfriend left because I asked her not to call a friend who she claims is a sister but that friend is influencing her negatively. Will no contact work after 4 years?

Answer: It might work as it will create the impression, "Okay, I asked you not to call your friend because she is influencing you in negative way but instead you left me. Then, I do not see the need of bothering to continue communicating with you."

Remember, with no contact, it might work or it might not. In your instance, it will create the desired effect which will make her think hard why you are not talking to her. During the no contact you can assess whether there is a chance of getting back. If not, it will be good to call her and mend things. Try for a minimum of two weeks.

Question: My boyfriend and I dated for 6 years. How long should we have the no contact? We broke up because he said he needs time for himself.

Answer: A month is preferable because the relationship spanned for more than one year. It will give him enough time to be himself. Also, it will afford you enough time to reflect on the relationship and whether you would like to continue in it or not.

Question: How long should I wait to text my ex?

Answer: A month is preferable. If you exercise no contact for too long you might miss her as she will have moved on. If you text her earlier after the breakup you will irritate her the more. So, between 4-6 weeks is preferable though in your case I would recommend 4 weeks.

Question: My boyfriend asked for a break. He said he wants to be doing some stuff and he would appreciate if I don’t contact him. He also said we shouldn’t talk for 2 months and if he doesn’t reach out to me, I should move on. So, should I delete him from my WhatsApp like having this no contact rule?

Answer: It is obvious he wants a permanent break. There is no need to wait for two months for his decision which might be positive (though it doesn't appear the case) or negative.

It would have been understandable of he had involved you and worked out what ails him.

Before he calls the shots, make the first shot. Delete his number from your WhatsApp. Unfriend or block him from your social media accounts, and restrain yourself from calling him. If you can't restrain yourself from calling him, delete his number from your phone book.

You'll have to, as you have said, exercise no contact rule. It might be a positive step to let him know you've already moved on after doing no contact for a month.

Question: I dated a guy for two months, we hung out twice but we used to work together during the weekends. He is in graduate school and he broke it off because he said I gave him too much pressure and was not understanding that he is busy sometimes. I begged and it made it worse. It's been 10 days, I don't know if he will ever consider me again. What do you think about my situation?

Answer: It is obvious he is dedicating most of his energy/attention on his job with little to spare for the relationship. He is involved so much on the job he felt he couldn't keep up with the relationship.

It appears you demanded so much attention, he couldn't continue with the relationship. When you begged after he broke up with you, it got into his nerves. I know the situation isn't good.

You have to concentrate on your life and move on. If you beg again you will worsen the situation.

It's better to apologize for your neediness through text, and thank him for the short time you had and wish him well. Let him know you love him and if you can't solve it, it's okay. But,you wish it was the case. If he replies or doesn't, move on.

He can't leave his job for you or dedicate more time on the relationship than his job. This is obvious.

If you were meant that be together, you will know when you have moved on. When you have recovered from the relationship.

Question: My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago after 10-years of being in arelationship. We were together since freshman year. She said she needed to know what's it like to not be in a relationship and that she has a negative outlook on our future. During this time, I've realized the mistakes I've made and would like to apologize and show her that I have changed. How long do you recommend no contact?

Answer: In your case, it should be a month. Since you have been in a relationship with her for a lengthy period, it would be appropriate to exercise no contact for 2-3 months. However, doing so might have negative ramifications in your situation. She will have moved. A month is preferable to give each other enough space for reflection and changing one's attitude that may have lead to the breakup.

Question: My boyfriend and I had our second major breakup. The first time I didn't apply no contact. It annoyed him and resulted in me being served with nasty words everytime I sent him a text . Eventually we got back together when he thought I had moved on. In this second breakup, I have applied no contact for 17 days and he has not contacted me either. What should I do? We broke up this time again because of too many fights in the relationship. He always asks for breakups even for the smallest fights.

Answer: You have indicated your boyfriend asks for a breakup even for small fights. This signifies your boyfriend doesn't want to deal with issues that arise in the relationship. He wants to escape from a problem the instance it crops up in the relationship. The relationship will never survive for long. He has to learn to find a solution (together with you) to the fights or issues that arise in the relationship. This is something worth reflecting upon.

I suggest you continue with no contact for a month. This will afford to you enough time to reflect on the relationship and whether you would like to get back or not. What about the numerous fights?

You should also consider whether your ex-boyfriend has changed his attitude or his reaction/response to issues that arise in the relationship.

Question: I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and 5 months because he has no job at all for almost 2 years. He is always telling me to just trust and support him but I feel hopeless that he will get a job. I broke up with him for the thought of maybe he will change and realize things. It's been 2 months without communication at all. He deleted his old facebook account and made a new one and I was blocked in that new facebook account. What should I do?

Answer: It seems your boyfriend didn't want to look for a job knowing you would cater for his needs. You did the right thing to break up with him after noticing he wasn't doing anything to get a job e.g. searching for a job.

I would suggest you move on with your life. You have tried to get him back but he doesn't want to. It's obvious he's still angry at you. You didn't end the relationship for the wrong reasons. You wanted him to realize the importance of looking for a job but it appears he was comfortable in the situation he was in with you.

Move on. Don't bother to contact him. If he didn't realize your worth, you can't force him to understand how you assisted him financially.

Question: My 15-month relationship has been broken due to us leading separate lives. She told me she loves me and if this were any other part of her life we would not be splitting. Could this just be a phase that I need to give her space for?

Answer: Yes, you need to give her some space of no interference. She might need that time to consider things clearly. Also, you need your own space to ponder concerning the relationship. What if she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, what will you do. Both of you need your own space to reflect on the relationship and your future in it.

Question: My boyfriend blocked me a week ago. He thought that I had cheated on him when it wasn't the case. What should I do? Should I wait again for another week? I really love him unconditionally. He also loves me. He is always jealous of me.

Answer: Yes, you should wait another week to give him time and space to reflect on some things such as his jealousy. After waiting another week, you should confront him about his jealousy e.g telling him a relationship isn't built of jealousy that has gone overboard. He will need to work out in reducing his unnecessary jealous otherwise it will create problems in the relationship when you reunite.

Question: She broke up with me over my commitment issues and how l never talked about taking the relationship to the next level. Do you, the writer of this article, think no contact will work with my ex?

Answer: No contact might or might not work. According to your previous question where you provided more information, it's evident she still loves you. But don't exercise no contact for too long because she might take it you've moved on thus she needs to move on.

Question: My boyfriend and I have been on a no-contact break (and not seeing other people) for 1.5 weeks. He wanted space because he was overwhelmed in life and not happy in the relationship anymore. I have gained a new perspective during this time. Is it too soon to break no contact?

Answer: It depends on the new insight you've gained. If you've reflected and came to the conclusion you need to move on, you can break the no contact. But if you want for the relationship to go on because you've learned of some things you need to change in your life or correct in the relationship and so on; you shouldn't end it unless you're absolutely sure of such a decision.

In any case, carry on the no contact for the rest of the days till you reach the recommended minimum period of two weeks.

Question: Should I use the no contact rule with my ex? We lasted only 4 months. We broke up once before and no contact worked perfectly. Should I try it again? We broke up because of fights.

Answer: Yes, you should try it again. But, during the no contact you have to reflect on the causes of fights and how the two of you solve the issues that lead up to the fights. If you don't find a way of solving them, you'll find yourself in the situation you're in now. It can become a rebound relationship - breaking, coming together breaking - where the cycle of breaking up and reuniting is becoming a common phenomenon.

Question: My ex-boyfriend broke up with me because he has another girl. Should I apply no contact rule even though we have a child already?

Answer: In your case, you will have to apply the limited contact. This involves staying a few days without contacting your ex. The maximum duration of limited contact is two weeks. However, you can employ no contact for a month.

On another hand, you don't need to exercise limited or no contact rule. You will have to determine what you want to do next. Do you want to get back your ex or do you want to move on? If he has another girlfriend is the reason he broke up with you, why would you want to get back with him when he knows very well he has a child with you? Even if he comes back, are you sure he will stick in the relationship because he loves you?

It's evident you're still communicating with him. I would suggest you employ no contact rule for a month since you're the one in custody of the child. He might call you to talk to the child but you should make it clear to him that you shouldn't communicate to each for a month. Let him know you need time to reflect and heal. A month is preferable as it will enable you to heal and reflect on the failed relationship: move on or try to get your ex back.

If you decide you want to move on after no contact rule, know if you would want your ex to contact you to talk with his child, if you would also want him to support the child financially or you would take care of your child in all aspects including financially.

Question: It has been 3 months since my girlfriend broke up with me after she looked at my phone the one night a girl sent me some photos. She seems pretty clear that she doesn't won't to get back together. It has been 2 weeks of no contact. Should I continue? I'm afraid she'll move on if I don't.

Answer: One thing about no contact is that it's not a hundred percent guarantee it will aid you in getting back your ex. Again, when you exercise no contact rule you might lose her. It might appear to her you don't care and she was right about you. That's the tricky side of no contact.

You might want to add a few days then contact her. But be prepared if it backfires. There is no telling what she had already decided even before you employed no contact. But don't appear needy and desperate.

Since you know her well, find how to approach the subject so that she's sure you don't have another girlfriend by your side.

Question: What if your ex is also doing no contact?

Answer: It will depend on the reason why your ex is doing no contact. If he exercises no contact to heal and recover, and move on then there is no chance of reuniting with him. If his intention is to get back with you then there is a chance of getting back together.

It's difficult to know why a person is doing no contact. It will become a deadlock when the person doesn't want to get back with you.

You will have to wait for more than a month to contact them because the majority of them employ no contact for a month. By then, you will know whether you're a lucky one or not.

When your ex contacts you when you're doing no contact, it's better to break the rule and receive the call or reply to his text. If you don't receive his call or reply back you'll lose the chance of ever reuniting.

Question: I have done no contact for 36 days. He broke up with me and blocked me on social media. He started University and totally changed. Will he regret it?

Answer: It's hard to say but life in university can change a person's perspective. This is especially the case when he meets new girls and is influenced negatively by the people he meets there. If he hasn't contacted you for the 36 days you've done no contact, you shouldn't bother him.

I suggest you move on. You will be wasting your time. It's time you make your decision to move on.

Maybe he will regret it, maybe not. There is no way of knowing and it wouldn't be right to waste your time waiting for him.

Question: I am in a 2-year long distance (different countries) relationship with my boyfriend. He would always call me when he had free time even if we decided on a mutual time. He wants to do everything according to him. I always stayed so he started taking me for granted. Do you think the no contact will make him realise my worth? Also, for how long should I be in NC?

Answer: You have to tread carefully on NC because it can signal different message than the intended one. He might think you've ghosted him - ended the relationship without telling him - or you're in a relationship with another person.

Another thing is that he might ignore you because as you've said, he always does things his way and has been taking you for granted.

What should you do? You should address the situation. Let him know how you feel and that you feel he's taking you for granted.

If he doesn't take into account how you feel, you should exercise NC indefinitely until he makes the first contact.

If he doesn't consider or respect your concern, you'll always end up being hurt. This will prove catastrophic when you start staying together.

He will know your worth when you employ NC after realizing you told him but he didn't pay attention thereby you resorted to remaining silent.

If he doesn't contact you during NC period, don't contact him. You will realize then if he is the man you would want to spend the rest of your life with.

Question: I cheated on my ex. He has been hot and cold with me for the past few weeks then he initiated no contact. Will I be able to get him back?

Answer: It will depend on what he has decided to do or the next step to take during the no-contact period after thinking or reflecting on the relationship. If you contact him, you will only make things worse or irritate him more. If you have read the article on no contact rule you have an idea why he has gone no contact. He wants time to think, reflect, heal and get back his 'life' which you betrayed. You should wait a couple of days then send him a text. Let him know how sorry you are, to give you another chance, and you will be waiting for him. If he does not contact you several days or weeks after sending him the text, know he has decided to move on with his life without you.

Question: My boyfriend faked up a break up drama at the last stage when we were making a decision to commit to marriage. He did that because earlier a girl had betrayed him before marriage. He wanted to make sure something like that doesn't happen again. Don't you think it is the worst and cruel plan ever? Do you think I should take him back after how he behaved like a crazy person who did not show basic manners and understanding?

Answer: His decision to fake up the break up was inconsiderate having not put into consideration how you would have felt about it. While he did it innocently, it was hurtful to the one being played upon.

There are instances whereby you shouldn't play with someone's feelings to find out about something.

Despite his actions, you should take him back. It shows he loves you even though in the process he hurt you.

You should let him know what he did wasn't right. It shows lack of basic manners and understanding.

Question: What is the best method for telling my ex that I am implementing the no contact rule? I know we both still deeply love each other but both are feeling too much pain. I am afraid of telling her that I'm implementing the NC rule will only amplify the pain. How can I go about telling her without hurting her more? We were together for 9 years and the wound is really fresh (less than 2 weeks).

Answer: The fact she won't hear from you will further deepen the pain and might aggravate the situation. However, she will need to know the NC isn't meant to distance yourself from her so that you can move on with your life.

You'll have to let her known both of you can't heal and recover from the breakup when you keep contacting each other. Thus it will affect your other aspects of life and it might induce depression and dependence on drugs to minimize the pain you feel. Not contacting each other doesn't mean each on his/her own path.

The NC is meant to allow the healing process to begin, to reflect on one's life and the relationship including the reason(s) for the breakup and to offer a person a perspective in life. Also, it allows a person to get hold of their life - to be in control.

Since you still love each other which signifies you might want to reunite, let her know the NC will provide an insight about the relationship and individually thus when you reunite you'll will have healed and recovered from the breakup thus saving yourselves from another possible breakup.

Note: No matter how one approaches your question, your ex will still feel every pinch of pain. The most important thing is to let her know you love her and would like to get back in the relationship but both of you need time and space apart (if you intended to get back together).

If you don't intend to get back, she will get hurt but she has to know the facts. Both of you need to move on with your lives.

Whether you intend to get back or not, avoid any confrontation and you'll have to comfort her but be firm. In the first few days after commencing NC, you'll have to watch out for her to ensure she doesn't do something that will affect her negatively.

Question: He broke up with me over text after a 3 months of happy dating (where we fought 3 times for the same reason). This was the 4th one and he broke up saying it won't work. I texted after 10 days of no contact to meet. He ignored it. I sent a message to return my stuff; he replied that he already gave them to my concierge, and asked me to not contact him and that he has no interest in me. I sent multiple texts, emails pleading to get back, and he got so annoyed and blocked me. Is there a chance?

Answer: The chance is so little. He seems very mad at you he doesn't even want to hear you. The intense anger he has for you makes it difficult to hope he might come back.

Why not stop contacting him for a month. During this month reflect on the relationship and what might have gone wrong. At the same time, allow the healing process to commence by letting go of anger and hatred you might have towards him. Forgive yourself if you were the cause or not, and forgive your ex too. Try to move on during the no contact which I advise you should exercise for a month.

After the duration, why not tell him you are sorry for everything if you were the cause. Let him know how much you love him and that it's evident he doesn't want to come back. Wish him the best. If he replies positively it's a sign things will get better. If he replies negatively or doesn't respond, send him another last text: "Thanks for everything and I wish you all the best." After sending him the text, it's time to move on with your life.

Change what you can in you that's not positive, and hope you'll get another man.

Question: I have been married for 2 years, separated for 6 months with brief reconciliations that blow up again. We have blended family issues and different financial boundaries with our grown daughters. I dont enable and he does, which leads to fighting. I filed for divorce but I love him deeply and want things to work. How long should I keep no contact rule in place?

Answer: You shouldn't exercise for more than a month. A month is preferable to give each other enough space and time to reflect on the marriage as a whole, each other, your children (daughters) and the issues you disagree on.

You should notify your husband of your intention not to contact him for a month providing the reason why.

© 2016 Alianess Benny Njuguna


Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on August 10, 2020:

#Sushmitha, the no contact may help but it's not a guarantee it might work out in getting your ex back. However, there are some steps you can take which might make it possible to have him back.

I suggest that you don't contact him for a week. In that period of time, work out on your personality i.e. how not to be possessive.

After one week, contact him and ask him to give you another chance. Let him know you're working on your personality. Don't beg. Just state the facts. If his response is not positive, don't plead. Let him know you'll be waiting for him then exercise no contact between 2-4 weeks.

After 2-4 weeks, contact him. If his response is still negative, it's time to move on.

It will be better then to move on because it indicates he had enough, and his feelings and love for you had subsided.

When contacting him, don't appear needy or desperate. Control yourself. Don't be very emotional.

Sushmitha R on August 09, 2020:

Hi, I am recently suffered from breakup , me and my guy were together for 9 years we dint cheat each other but i had hurted him i was very possessive . Now i realize my mistake a lot but by then he has blocked me everywhere but i miss him still i love him still im not able to move on i dono wether he will comeback....but i cnt forget him . Do u think should try no contact rule ? Will it be helpful , my situation is complicated where he cant trust me anymore what should i do?

Emily on July 01, 2020:

My boyfriend and i were in a relationship for 3 years.Throughout the relationship i didn't have feeling for him.but i didn't broke up because he loves me and care for me a lot.i said him about my feelings sevral times.last time when i tell him about my feelings he was hurt so much and brokeup with me.now i miss him so much and did NC work on this?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on June 08, 2020:

@Rarelight, there is possibility of getting your ex back.

However, it is important to know that it's usually difficult to get back an ex who has no feelings or whose feelings for their partner has diminished. Thus, when all fails you should purpose to move on. You shouldn't fight to get him back if he insists he doesn't want anything to do with you. You'll only worsen things and increase his anger, and somehow hatred, towards you because of frequently contacting him (nagging).

Another thing to consider is that you shouldn't appear desperate or needy. Don't plead or beg. It'll worsen the little emotional attachment he has for you.

The 2 weeks is the minimum recommendable time to use no contact rule. You have to choose the best means of contacting him. He might ignore your call or text. Be prepared for this.

If you don't contact him within one month, there is the possibility he might move on (or think you've moved on that's why you haven't contacted him thus he too should move on).

You have to provide a hint to him that you still love him, and are waiting for him. Therefore, two weeks is a good time to apologize , let him know you're doing well with your anger after completing an anger management therapy, and that you will not contact him again but will be patiently waiting for him.

If you call him but he doesn't take the call or it doesn't turn out as expected, follow it up with a text (several hours later).

Don't fix your mind fully on trying to mend the failed relationship. You should also take care of yourself and move on with your life. Things might turn out different.

Rarelight on June 07, 2020:

My boyfriend used to adjust a lot before and I had anger management issues so have used a lot of harsh words on him before so before a month(during last fight) he said he can't handle me and he is scared coz I might show up my anger even in front of his mom.I begged him for 2 weeks through mine and his friends.

But Wt he says is he doesn't feel the same feelings for me so he can't come back,WE WERE IN RELATIONSHIP FOR 6.5 MONTHS.and he always had the intention of marrying and now I went to doc for anger management issues and I am ok now.

He broke up over phone.Anf and I didn't texted him since 2 weeks.He is very strong person too since he had many tragedies in childhood.

Will he come back after one month or should I contact him and convince him(he said But the more I convince the more he moves apart)

Pl help me to get him back

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 11, 2020:

Hi Jo,

The No Contact Rule will be effective in your situation in clearing your minds concerning the relationship and where both of you (especially him) stand in the relationship.

However, before you employ NC you should discuss about the issues that affect the relationship.

Due to the nasty breakup your boyfriend had, his feelings for another woman might have become minimal. Adding the issues that affect the relationship, his feelings for you is not remaining constant or increasing.

Another thing is that you're from different caste. He knows his mother want accept you to get married to him and your parents won't accept him to marry you.

How have you dealt with these issues? If he truly loves you, he will not wait for his mother's approval. I do know about this issue in your country - the possibility of a marriage depends on the family. Thus, you've to sit down and talk to him about it. It will be a waste to be in the relationship only to be told his mother didn't want you to get married to him (or your parents didn't want you to get married to him).

When you blocked him then unblocked him, it brought out a positive result. He began talking more with you than before when he talked less.

So, should you employ the NC? Yes! You should use NC but you should tell him you won't to cease communication for a period of time. Let him know that you want the time apart so that you can reflect on the relationship and the issues that are facing it. Let him know you love him and that you're not doing this for yourself but for his sake (since the major decision of getting married depends on him). Tell him after the period of NC, you will get in contact and talk about what had been decided.

Be prepared because the decision arrived during the period might be positive or not. He might not want to continue with the relationship. Maybe you might want it might not want to continue in the relationship.

If he decides not to continue in the relationship, don't force him. You can talk about it but if he insists, you have let him free to leave the relationship. It might be best for you despite how much you love him and how long you've been in the relationship.

I understand how you feel. In whatever case, be strong and know there are others who have undergone many breakups (like me) and still moving strong. Don't despair. Sometimes, the one you say you were meant together might be true or not.

Jo on May 11, 2020:

Hi Benny,

We were in a 3 years relationship. Before that he had a worst breakup from his ex in a 4 year relationship. From the start, he would tell me that only if his mom agree on marrying me, he'll do. He often says that he got no love feeling but also he says that he loves me. Before a month, he kinda felt that in the end he would hurt me, if his mom says no. And we are from different castes, he also mention that in my family they'll oppose the marriage. He cared about me for the past few weeks but stopped talking too much. Finally he said that, we should not be too close, we've to accept whatever happens. I got too much anger and shouted at him for not loving me enough. And I brokeup and told him to not talk to me ever again, and blocked him in everything for a week. Then I unblocked him in everything now, and he tries to talk with me now. What should i do now? If no contact period will clear our minds and bring us together? I love him so much, we ment together. And we're also in a long distance relationship. Please reply me

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 02, 2020:

Habits or certain behaviours are difficult to get rid of if someone isn't willing and determined to change for good. Several factors might contribute to her behaviour.

Letting her choose which road to head to is the appropriate way to deal with the cheating. She has to learn the hard way to choose between the two as her future partner.

I mostly feel sorry for her children.

Pedro Diago on March 01, 2020:

Hi Benny,

Thank you so much for your advice.

She came from a poor family. She cheated also on his first partner, who is the father her first born baby. She got pregnant by her new guy and left her. She has 2 kids from a different father. When we started our relationship 2 years ago. I told her that i will accept all her mistake in the past and i will recover her from it and we will start fresh. And i will love her with all my heart.

As soon as we get started, Lies begin and i forgave her over and over and she keep on doing it over and over.

Now, she doing her past mistakes again on our time. Her excuse is, She told me that she is not my priority and i didn't love her. I don't know where she get that idea.That is her excuse why she is now cheating on me.

I support her financially also somehow. I don't know why she keeps on doing it. She is already 34 years. She should be matured enough for this stuff. I just love her so much and it so hard for me to let go.

This 23 year old is an ex convict for a Rape case. I don't know want her to get abuse by this guy. But, its out of my control. I am sad that she choose the wrong way. :(

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 01, 2020:

Yes, you should get out of the relationship. When you condone her behaviour, she finds a leverage to continue her 'love' with the other guy.

She doesn't realize she's hurting you. You have to make a realize you've emotions, you're a human.

Don't give in when she insists.

Several weeks after the breakup, you will know if she is your life partner.

Get out of the relationship and refuse her offer to get back in the relationship.

If a month goes by and she hasn't bothered to contact or make amends or hasn't left the guy, it's time you start moving on and forgetting about her.

I don't know about her kids and her financial status. You've to determine if you'll support her kids even if you'll no longer in the relationship.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 01, 2020:

It is a difficult step but it is the most positive and effective step because:

1. You will stop the agony of her hurting you the more by hooking up with the guy. The more you condone her behaviour the more you'll be hurt. This will affect your life negatively - psychologically, physically and socially.

2. You'll give her a chance to decide which side she wants because she's playing with your heart. Do forgive her when you tell her you want to be out of the relationship. Don't give in when she insists she won't continue her 'love' with the guy. Get out of it. In the long run, you'll know whether she's your life partner.

She's taking advantage of the fact you'll give in when she asks for forgiveness. Let her know it's enough, you want to get out of the relationship.

Pedro Diago on February 26, 2020:

My girl doesn't want to break up with because shes still in love with me. But, she is emotionally cheating on me with his agent who is 23 yrs old and she 34 yrs old with 2 kids. She said that she is starting to like the guy. Because this guys always brings her food and the guy wont stop courting him even if he knows that she has a bf(Me). She is now somehow emotionally attached but not in love. She even told me that she can't reciprocate what this guy is showing to her. I still love her and i know i can forgive her over and over. But, whenever i forgave her, she still keeps on answering to that guy. she keeps on accepting the food and even said that she will stop the agony of this guy. But, she still doing it behind my back. What should i do? Should let go her completely?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on January 16, 2020:

Hi Patty.

It is evident from your description that your boyfriend isn't yet ready to be be committed in a relationship - he isn't ready to settle down and start a family.

Again, your boyfriend wants to be free from a relationship because many people regard a relationship as a cage. Your boyfriend wants to live his life the way he wants without you interfering with his life.

When your boyfriend contacts you after breaking up with you, it is not mainly because he loves you but that he feels lonely thereby missing you. Being missed isn't a sign that someone still loves you.

This explains why he is the one who has to break up. You have been in relationship for 7 years but he still keeps postponing. He is not yet ready to settle down.

You might lose him when you exercise no contact but again you might lose him for good. This is a good time to think whether it is profitable to continue in the relationship. You might return to the relationship only to end up where you are.

You don't want to waste more of your years only to regret later why you had never moved out of the relationship. It does hurt and you might lose him. In some cases, it is better.

Patty on January 13, 2020:

Hi! My boyfriend and I broke up after 7 years of on and off relationship. We were at the point of marriage and kids, and then it fell apart when he said that he wants to start over.. sell the house, get a new job, sell his truck and being without me. He said he can’t commit to big things like that yet. He’s always been the one to break up with me and then be the first to text me. I’m afraid this time, that if I don’t contact him, he’ll forget all our time together and just move on.. I thought we were going to have it all after we broke up last time. We talked about all our issues and agreed on a lot! There’s just something holding him back. We are on week one of no contact and it sucks..

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on January 12, 2020:

Yes, giving space equals no contact. This is because when you give him space it means there will be no contact till the person feels it's time to contact the person.

While you've given him space also give yourself space to ponder on the relationship. When you get together, you've to discuss the issues that are threatening the relationship.

During the no contact you've to reflect whether it is okay to move on with him or without him.

It should be noted when someone asks to be given space, it can mean it's either a limited (less than 2 weeks) or no contact (more than 2 weeks).

Kimmy on January 11, 2020:

My ex and i ended the relationship on bad terms we got into a huge argument outside his house. Than he continued to text me rude things such as “ nobody wants you” “ i never wanna see you again” ect.

I have been very hard not to text him or call him and iv just been crying non stop. Are last text conversation i told him i will give him space for the time being

Was that the right thing to do? Dose giving space equal to the NC?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on January 06, 2020:

Wait for a few days before contacting her - less than a week. In this period of silence reflect whether you want to meet her demands or not. If you don't want then you better move on - leave the broken relationship behind you. You will have to decide whether the demands are justifiable to meet.

It will be difficult to convince her to return to the relationship if you don't meet her needs. You can try to explain to her. If he she still insists and you don't want, you have to move on.

victor gideon on January 06, 2020:

my girlfriend and I dated for 3 years but she broke up with me because she demanded for something and I could not provide it for her and she also felt that I insulted her because of the words I used on her as a result of her frequent demands. what should I do now

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 08, 2019:

The no contact rule is usually not effective when you want your ex to miss you or to contact you or to get back to you. It does work but not in all cases.

Your ex might be feigning he is happy without you or he feels he is happy without you.

Reflect on the failed relationship. What led to the breakup? How was the relationship like? During the no contact, what things did you come up with about the relationship (both good and bad)?

If you want him back in your life, what are your reasons for it? Are they justifiable? If it's the case, take another few days and contact him and let him know you wanted to heal from the breakup, and to reflect about it and to change things about you that are not good.

In any case, my advice is leave him alone and move on with your life. It is easy to say but difficult to do but it's the right decision.

In life, some times you leave what you love most because it is the most sensible thing to do.

Logi on December 05, 2019:

Our relationship just get toxic.after doing no contact and all my boyfriend told he is happy without me and dont want me anymore.what should i do?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on November 21, 2019:

Hello Mine,

I feel for you. If things were easier like taking the pill or pushing a button, we wouldn't be experiencing the pain at its maximum level. But again, it would have some consequences.

When you feel like crying when you're alone, go on and cry. Let the tears have their way. It's the body's response to a hurtful event that happened to you

It will take some time before you get over your ex. Sometimes you'll wish to get back to him even though you know it's not a good decision to undertake.

The determination to get over the breakup is what matters most even of you breakdown. When you think about him or after crying, tell yourself that you've to stop thinking about him. He's no longer in your life thus you don't need to think about him. Tell yourself that you can recover from the breakup and that you'll get a man who cares and loves you.

Why not write a letter to yourself. Take out a pen and a piece of paper and write a letter. Write why you shouldn't get back to him. Write what you can do to heal and recover from the breakup. Keep it in a place. When you think about him or after crying, take out the piece of paper and read it to yourself. This will act as a reminder that you've a future to live and you shouldn't waste it on something that's better left in the past

Mine on November 20, 2019:

Hello Benny,

I am on my 26 days of NC rule. Its very hard! I just woke up in the morning growling (deep cry) and been thinking of the person most of the time. This is like a roller coaster of emotions - now im okay reading your advices then suddenly the following day or when im alone I cant stop thinking the person and being mad at myself why cant I just move on and forget everything knowing the fact that, that person is not good at all if I have to see it in any aspects. If there is just a pill or a button to push to just move to where I can have peace right away.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on November 12, 2019:

Thank you, Mine. We can't escape from pain but we have to learn how to endure the pain and know it is possible to heal from the 'hurt' even though it will take some time. At times in life, one has to make a decision that he/she is not comfortable with but a decision which is worth it.

I know you heal and recover from the broken relationship and that you'll find the strength to move. Not only am I talking from a psychological point-of-view but also from experience.

Mine on November 11, 2019:

Thank you so much Benny for the very sincerest advice. Ive got an affirmation from you that its not really worth it my time to just cry almost everyday about the broken relationship. You are absolutely right that I have to let go and move on. I feel so hurt, Yes, but I have to endure this pain. This too shall pass. Thank you so much again. Youre such a blessings to us. Godbless you more.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on November 10, 2019:

Hi wd,

There are some things you need to ponder before contacting your ex. These things will affect your relationship and future marriage at varying degrees thus you shouldn't ignore them.

First, you can't give up your career over love. If he truly loves you, he will wait till you finish your degree. Love understands and waits. Here the most important thing is that you're studying what you love, what you've worked towards to achieve. It's something you've longed from when you were in primary or high school. If he can't wait till you finish, your boyfriend is self-seeking and selfish. Sorry for using those words but it's a fact.

2. He still has a responsibility towards his children. He has right to see them and take care of them financially. Thus, he will always come into contact with his wife when he wants to see his children. When he comes into contact with his wife, he will feel the urge to get back with her. How strong he is emotionally will determine how firm he will be in the relationship you share with him.

3. He has to get over his ex. As a father he has the responsibility to see his children and provide for them financially (and also his ex) but his romantic feelings for his ex should be nonexistent. As long as he has feelings for his ex, he will wish to be with her because he's still emotionally bonded to her. This will cause rift in your relationship and future marriage.

4. A relationship or marriage isn't a passport to leaving everything else behind to be with the person you love. Your family matter to you as much as he does. Your independence, your studies and your job matters to you as much as the relationship. Somebody shouldn't discourage, prevent or tell you to disregard, forget or disengage yourself from other things or people who/which are very important to you. You shouldn't be made to choose in these areas.

He appears possessive and self-seeking. Again, he hasn't healed and recovered from the divorce with his wife. As long as he hasn't recovered, your relationship will be faced with numerous problems. It's usually advised that you shouldn't jump in another relationship till you've healed and recovered. You don't want to carry your problems to another relationship affecting the other partner negatively.

You should wait a few weeks, less than a month is preferable. Even if he doesn't contact you, you should contact him. You do love him but also during the no contact period analyze your boyfriend like you would do a character in your book. Yiu will need to discuss with him several things e.g. prioritizing the relationship over your family, his ex, about the children and so on. Your boyfriend mentioning his ex and what he intends to do for her - buying her a house is one of the signs your boyfriend isn't over your ex.

Please reflect on the relationship, your ex and yourself. You don't want to live a regretful life.

Wd on November 10, 2019:

I met a guy online living in a different country and we chatted for 4 months before finally meeting. He was recently divorced (less than a year) with 2 kids and only saw them on alternate weekends. He was very sad and not over the divorce (wife had left him). I helped him a lot getting thru the divorce aftermath and supporting him. He ended up falling in love with me. The feelings were intense and the second day we met, he asked me to marry him. I was wary he may be on the rebound but I believed it to be more. At the time I said no because I am 1.5 years away from qualifying as a medical specialist (in the same field as him) and I want to finish my degree. He said he’d wait abit but kept convincing/pressurizing me to give it up to move there ASAP. Saying I wouldn’t regret it, the job I want isn’t the greatest, I can do other things etc.

Eventually I was convinced he was right - like i either had to choose love or career. And I loved my job (it is something I cannot do in his country, as the course is not offered in his county, And I would have to retake all the medical board exams and start from the bottom again just to work as a normal family doctor that side (+/- 5 years) . But I felt I would lose him if I didn’t give it up because he said he wouldn’t be able to wait (or rather, long distance doesn’t work out).

We applied for a fiancé visa and it came thru a few week ago (after 4 months of waiting). He had flown here to meet my parents recently and when he went back - his Ex wife contacted him out the blue after months of no contact and being rude to him. She wanted him back. Said her bf was beating her etc. he came to her rescue and did a bunch of stuff to help her out. Told me about it and told me he said no to her coz he was marrying me (although he had serious struggle about it and had to ask his parents and friends if he should take her back for the children’s sake). Eventually he decided to “choose” me. Although he will always love her and take care of her and wants to be friends with her.

I had very mixed feelings about this because he spoke about her constantly thru out our relationship and even tho he “chose” me, the fact that he even considered getting back with her, made me feel betrayed. And also the fact that he goes beyond normal limits in doing things for her and the kids. He even thought about buying her a house in the future close to where ours would be - saying it would benefit the kids in the long run.

My concerns were the fact that he was asking me to give up literally everything I have (career, family, independence) to be with him and his priorities still stood with his maintaining as much of his old life as possible (regular contact with Ex). And I didn’t understand why he didn’t want me to finish even though I told him it was important to me.

I told him I had reconsidered things and I wanted him to wait for me to finish my degree first.

He said if I loved him I wouldn’t want to be apart from him, and that I’m selfish for “choosing” career over family.

I didn’t know the two were mutually exclusive?

Anyways, so I made up my mind- decided I would finish my degree regardless - and I told him I didn’t want to break up, I asked him to wait.

He was up and down - saying he wouldn’t, saying he would then saying he lost trust in me for breaking my promise to marry him now.

I said I’d give him space . He also asked for it.

Should I wait for him to contact me? Or should I give it a few weeks and try reach out to him? I still love him..


Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on November 03, 2019:

Don't worry explaining in depth about your situation. It will assist me to better understand your situation and as you've said, it helps you to vent out which lessens the 'burden' you feel.

Let's start with you. You love the man. You care about him that you've paid for his education and that of his sister. You've been providing financially for him.

But...the person instead of being grateful says that you shouldn't tell him what to do. When he got his first paycheck, he should have thanked you for it by buying something special for you however small it is.

You found out the guy was not being honest and faithful to you, not appreciative and commanding.

But...you love him. You let it go..you agreed to his request. Why? Because you love him.

However, love shouldn't be taken advantage of. It shouldn't be mistreated. It shouldn't be abused.

You're hurting yourself for a man who wants things his way, not wanting to know how you feel. You've providing for him financially, why can't he reciprocate the same if indeed he is the head of the relationship?

He breaks up with you but agrees to stay with you if you agree to his decision which doesn't make sense.

That's an unhealthy relationship. You're only hurting yourself. You can't be living your life pleasing him all the time at your own expense when he doesn't care about you.

Leave the relationship. Let him know you can't continue in that kind of relationship. It is toxic and it's one sided.

Love hurts but it hurts when you allow it to be hurt by someone who is unmindful, uncaring, unconcerned, unfaithful, dishonest, commanding, behaving as if he the sole decision maker in the relationship.

Don't destroy your life for someone who doesn't appreciate who you are in his relationship. He isn't worthy of your love because he is treating it as cheap and unwarranted.

Please, leave the relationship. Heal and recover from the toxic relationship so that you can move on and possibly find another man who loves, cares and appreciates who you are in his life. This one doesn't deserve you.

Mine on November 01, 2019:

I had a long distance partner for almost 2 years. I am a seafarer. We almost stay together when I am on vacation. He broke up with me the day after I left our place to return to work. We had an argument when we were on vacation before I left. I came to the point that I told him I don't trust him anymore. With little lies and secrets and discovered triggered me to do it. Twice ive read sweet msgs of a guy from his messenger. His phone notification were off and I never get a chance to hold his phone unlike mine that he has a full access whenever he want. In our entire relationship I am the one who shouldered the expenses and he doesn't spent any centavos ever. Ive even came to the point to shoulder the needs of his family - sisters college tuition, food allowance etc. I ve even sent him to school for the reason that I want him to grow as well. Until such time that he found a job. Time came that he got a job. I was expecting on his first salary he would be excited sharing it to me but he doesnt. He even never ever he treated me for a date or even just a cheap sandwich etc. I felt he doesn't value me. But I overlooked all this because I love him. He has a lot of demands. My behavior bursted out the last time we were together (on vacation) told him I don't trust him anymore and don't ever ask me any financial assistance for he is not open to me about his financial whereabouts and he even told me who am I in his life to tell me about his finances. I told him that he cant ask any financial assistance anymore because he is not open to me when it comes to his finances. After that argument we were together while drove for like 5 hours us without talking. Until we arrived home I tried to forget everything and back to normal that night as if nothing happened. We still spent two days together and forgot the arguments we had. I though we were okay. Until I left to go back to work he sent me a message in messenger telling me he wanted to focus on his job and life. I assumed he is breaking up because in his statement I was not included in the plans anymore. I assumed NC for 10 days and I came back asking for clarity. And there he told me he is ending it. I still replied to his messeges that I am not giving up despite of the arguments and fights we have as I believed and told him that this is just part of a relationship and it will make us better and stronger. But he replied that If I love him I have to respect his decision. From there I just replied :" Ok I respect your decision and always remember I always love you, Im just here if you needed me". I even say a little prayer for him and for me that I hope I will be okay and recover soon from this painful heartbreak. its been like 8 days that I set a NC rule. Please let me know your thought of what I should do.

PS. He is still young and Im older 13 yrs from him.

Im sorry its too long for you to read this. Its like this is my only to vent out as well.

John on October 01, 2019:

I use the 'No Contact" rule for every woman at all times. It's great for completely avoiding all the bullshit people are constantly complaining about on this site! I highly recommend it to all guys.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 16, 2019:

Hi AH,

It's a good thing you are working in improving on getting rid of toxic behaviours and regaining the self confidence that you had before. Also, it was a good step to inform your ex you won't contact her for a few weeks or a month so that you can work on your behaviour.

Will the no contact rule work in getting your ex back? It depends. She might or she might not want to get back with you. One thing to realize is that the feelings she had for you are different with how she feels about you in the present.

Thus, you should employ the no contact rule considering two things during this period: 1) Working on your personality and 2) accepting you will never reunite with her.

When you end the no contact rule, you will contact her. Don't be needy or desperate. Let her know you have improved and ask her to give you another chance. If she doesn't want to get back with you, wait for a few days then contact her. If she is adamant she doesn't want to get back with you, then you have to make your mind to move on with your life.

There is a chance the two of you might get back together. During this silent period, she will think about you and your working on your personality. She will reflect a lot of whether it's good for her to get back with you or not.

Instead of bombarding her with texts and calls, the no contact assists both of you to reflect about each other and the relationship, and your own lives. It will aid the two of you to rest from the turmoil of the issues that led to the breakup and the resultant effects of the breakup.

Give the no contact rule a try. Since you had informed her of the reason why you want to exercise no contact rule, she might give you a chance.

AH on September 15, 2019:

It's been almost 5 days since my 4 year girlfriend broke up with me. We were serious up to the point of meeting our parents. I spent the past 2 days grieving, and started doing research online on how to change & possibly win her back despite her decision to not get back together ever again due to my toxic behaviors I developed over the past few years (overjealous, overcontrolling, ego issues, insecurity and lack of confidence in myself). I also subscribed to emails of those advices on how to get back/through this. Apart from that, I wrote myself a letter telling in full honesty each of my problems, and telling myself how I should have reacted. I am also in the process of accepting that she may give another chance, or she won't. I've been making small achievements over the past few days with my life, while also not contacting her (I told her I want to rebuild myself, then I'll contact her in a few weeks/months and she understands). Besides, I am also in the process of accepting myself as a failed bf, and reflecting on it daily, knowing she fell in love with the guy she knew 4 years ago, the confident side of me which I have lost. I have been honest with myself, and I know that I genuinely want to be with her because I know she's the one, but my toxic traits made her felt tired and eventually walked away. We broke up after a long talk about that, yet I have always emphasised on how much I still love her, but she does not feel the same anymore. Will 30 days no contact work for my case? Thanks.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 13, 2019:

You love him. You want your boyfriend to miss you so that he can contact you when you apply the no contact rule. It is possible to make your boyfriend miss you but no contact rule doesn't work in every situation or with every person.

Before you start the no contact rule, I want you to reflect on these two questions: 1) Has the issue been resolved? Does he still speak to the other girl? If he does, there is no point of the two of you reuniting. Even if you reunite, the same problem will manifest itself. Don't you think it will affect your health and your mental well-being? Living with someone who is unfaithful to you? 2) You love him. But, does he care about you? Does he care you are hurt? Does he care how you feel about the situation? Does he care being unfaithful isn't right?

My suggestion is to forget him. You are only hurting yourself. Don't be the one who is chasing after him when the fact is that he doesn't care about you.

You should exercise the no contact rule for a month if you want him to miss you. The problem with no contact rule is that your ex might think you have mov d on with your life; you don't want to get back together.

However, I want you to reflect or contemplate or ponder about your ex and the failed relationship during this period of no contact rule. Ask yourself several questions and try to find the answers. I love him. Does he love me? Why doesn't he care I'm hurt? Does he love me?

My advice is to move on with your life. If the person loves you, he would have treated you as special. He do any deserve you. You deserve a person who loves and cares who you are and what you mean in his life.

Rajanya on September 11, 2019:

Me and my boyfriend were in 4 years of relationship and for last 7 months we moved together from there our fights started on household things then boyfriend started talking to his colleague who is 2 years elder to him he use to talk to her for hrs in night I started asking qstns abt that we started fighting every day because of her. And now we are in long distance relationship and again he is talking to her the same on one day I called and asked her about the thing btw them she sound like nothing and said idek that you hav prblm talking to him because of this my bf said brkup to me I pleaded him not to brkup but he use to talk to me and again without anysense they used to talk the same for hrs in the night it went over a month with this situation and on one day I bad mouthed her through text my bf by knowing he started scolding me and when that girl is telling me that my bf and she are in a relationship my bf didn't even opened in his mouthand supported . And again he only said that we are not in a relationship idk what to believe . Next day my bf called me spoke to me in a casual way I said was hurt but he is said that the third-party is hurt or blamed because of me .he is not even thinking that I was in pain for months . He said that I don't want to talk with neither you or her I want to concentrate on my career but he didn't after that also they were both talking to each other the same way . I'm doing NC to get him back but idk he stopped caring abt me he nvr texted me or called me and also they were not talking to each other in their private times they were speaking with each other in normal day timings Idk what's going on btw them but I love my boyfriend I want him back to me . How I do to make my boyfriend miss me ?? By doing this NC ??

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on August 11, 2019:

It's sad when a person treats another one as if the other person doesn't mean much. This is how your boyfriend was treating you. He can't justify his ignoring you to his family problems and other things when he spends most of his time hanging out with his friends.

If he cared enough, he should have told you that his parents are looking for girls of which one of them will be married by him. You had requested if he will consider you but he flatly refused. If he loved you, he should have said accepted it. Actually, it was something he should have done than you asking about it - looking for a girl to be his wife.

You accepted the breakup positively. He was astonished to realize you accepted his decision, you haven't begged and you're continuing on with your life. I know you're hurting but the pain won't last for long because you reacted positively.

I wouldn't advice you to reunite with him. He should have treated you in a special manner as a princess to him.

It's time you confront him in a polite manner through text, call or face-to-face. Let him know that he ended the relationship despite how much you loved him. Let him know he refused to consider you when his parents were looking for a girl to be his wife. He should have considered you. He should have told his parents he had a girlfriend. Let him know he never loved you. If he had, it would have been evident. You wouldn't be raising the issue of him ignoring you while in the relay. Thus, he needs to stop following you because you won't accept to get back to him.

bharti parmar on August 09, 2019:


I had one year relationship and in this period he gave me so much expectations about our future and afcourse i feel that feeling was genuine. After 6 month we fought over some time issue problems actually i found he's ignoring me because most of the time i saw him with his friends and hanging out. And whenever i found he lies to me but i ignore and after some fight we get back together. And after last three month before i asked him continously about his that ignoring behaviour so he gave me some excuses about his some family problems and some bad circumstation and our conversation never complete about this topic. And suddenly when we compeleted our one year day, again i asked about his behaviour and finally he said that his family going to see girls for his marriage. When i asked will you try for me to your family so he refused and said i can't marry you because my family problems are very critical this time and i can't you anymore hope to continue this relationship and lied for everything that he did for me and about all conversation which we discuss about our future. No drama happened i just said don't you worry i am fine and it's okay you will be happy and go. But now he is following me everywhere wherever i can found so what should i can do in this situation?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on August 08, 2019:

Hi Mike,

It is obvious she does miss. There is a ray of hope because it means she has feelings for you. She loves you. However, someone's attitude can make a person not to want to get back with them.

You have a chance to prove you're willing to change. Whether she'll want to get back with you after she had noticed the changes in your life is better to speculation.

The most important thing to do is work on yourself how you interact with people including her. You took a positive step by telling her you're working on changing your behaviour/attitude. Let her see it for herself that you've changed. Then, maybe, she will give you another chance. Women can be forgiving than men.

Before doing no contact, it's better to let her know you won't contact her for 2-3 weeks because you want to work on your attitude because you don't want to lose her. Let her know you've enrolled in various training courses which are changing your perspective and helping you to change for the better. Let her know you love her, and that she will find in her heart the need to give you another chance. Then, go no contact.

Without letting her know you're going no contact, she might see you never cared, you didn't love her or it's good she broke up with you.

But, remember no contact is not a foolproof she might get back with you. It will depend with how she will react after the silence or if she had already made the decision before you exercise no contact.

Lastly, watch how you contact her after exercising no contact. How you react also matters a lot.

Mikey on August 04, 2019:


I am currently 5 days into a no contact period. My gf broke up with me 7 days ago after coming back from visiting her family. It totally blind sided me. We were together 1 amd a half years. The best relationship I have had. So much love and respect. We talked two days later. I didn't beg or anything but I layed my cards on the table and told her what I'd be willing to to do. She explained she loved me and is so grateful for the time we spent but there are differences in our personality. The way I interact with other people and sometime but not often her doesn't make her comfortable I am a bit reactive and she is absolutely not. She is much more compassionate. . She doubts our connection and common interests which I see as all connected. She said she wanted to return him in 2 years and didn't want to hurt me more so ended now.. also she said she felt she had evolved a lot in the last 1.5 years and the love we have is amazing but not enough.

Over the last few days I have reflecteda lot. It doesn't seem like such a shock. Because I realise she has been trying to talk to me about these aspects of my personality for about 6 months. I tried to listen and be aware because I respect her deeply but there was frustration like I thought we didn't understand each other. I have really embraced in the last few days and have enrolled in all kinds of courses including a non violent communication course. I want to change the way I interact with people and I'm truly grateful for her to making me aware of this. It hurts that it took her breaking up with me for me to actually really try to change it. I already suddenly feel in a better place to talk to her but I planned on waiting 3 or 4 weeks. I really want to be with her and give it another go but I am a little worried that even in a huge attempt to make these changes which are obviously not a waste of time because they will make me a better person that she will not open herselfto me. She is very sure of her decisions and is a very self controlled person. She must miss me though because we talked every day and always sent at least kissed before bed if we were not seeing each other. We talked a lot. Do you think she will consider hanging out with me when she sees how I have embraced life and made the changes from a genuine place? Is nc a good idea for 3 weeks?



Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on June 26, 2019:

You shouldn't employ no contact immediately. Send her a text (I know she won't receive your call). Tell her how you feel, you're a changed person, to give you another chance because you love her. At the end of the text, tell her you're waiting for her. Don't send her another text. You should send the text about a week of not contacting her. Then wait. Don't send her several texts because they will irritate her the more.

She needs time to rest her mind and process things without being pressured or bombarded with messages.

After you have sent her the text, wait for more than a week. If you don't contact her for a month she might feel you have moved on. I would suggest to not contact her for two weeks after sending her the text.

Tk on June 24, 2019:

Hi. I've cheated on my girlfriend of 1 year and 10months 3 times. The first time was when the relationship was new (4 months), with a girl during vacation. Second time she saw texts with my ex 4 days after sending them, nothing happened between the two of us, we never met. The most recent time she saw texts of a girl I met last year during the mini break up from the incident with the texts with my ex. I slept with the girl during that period only but we've been talking until recently but we've never met this year. She has blocked me everywhere, I sent her an email apologising to her and telling her that I want to change for her and how much I love her. I really do love her. The three instances had nothing to do with her. I was being lustful to be honest. I really don't want to hurt her again. I really want to make her happy. We haven't spoken for the past 3 days after sending her the email, what can I do to get her back? How long should the no contact period be?

Natalie on June 22, 2019:

Thanks! I was skeptical about how it can actually get him back. I hope that this will remove the negative emotions we've held towards each other. I do want to restart the relationship over without those emotions. Like a brand new relationship. Your explanation made so much sense. It is going to be my first time doing the no contact rule and I wasn't sure what's the logic behind it. I came across an article earlier that says that we can skip the no contact rule. What are your thoughts on this? http://winmymanback.com/should-you-apply-the-no-co... Looking forward to hearing your opinion. Thank you in advance.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on June 18, 2019:

Your woman is experiencing mixed emotions. It is evident she still has feelings for her ex-husband noting when she went to visit her two children she stayed there for a week. We don't know what happened there, whether love was reignited or missing her two children or confrontation with her ex-husband might have contributed to her decision to turn your relationship to friendship then to nothing.

She needs space to sort her life. You should stay away from her for more than two weeks. This will give her enough time to reflect on various things. As for now, she doesn't want to be in another relationship.

It might be she's missing her ex-husband. Maybe she has never recovered from the divorce. Maybe she doesn't want to be in another relationship at all. It is hard to tell.

I suggest you shouldn't bother her for more than two weeks, preferably a month. Buy, don't have your hopes high when you contact her after the no contact duration. She might have made her mind not to be in another relationship.

Lost and confused on June 17, 2019:

I was seeing a woman who’s husband had cheated on her. They had 3 kids, 2 stayed with the father and 1 with the mom when she moved back to her home state. Things were going great until she got pregnant and got an abortion because of medical reasons concerning her health. I wanted to be by her side for everything but she insisted on letting her handle it herself and it’s the best way for her, I didn’t agree with it but I respected it. After that was like passed she rekindled the seeing each other and we had a big talk of how she’s choosing me to become serious with in seeing someone and admitting to falling in love with me. The next day she went to visit her other 2 children for a week. I don’t know what happened but towards the end of that week she was pushing back and saying sorry that all she could offer right now is friendship. That the abortion ruined our potential. So we moved on to friends but we texted everyday, from first thing in the morning to last at night. If I wasn’t the first and last person she spoke to I had to be in the top 3. Still saw each other every week. It was going great. The last time we went out to eat we were already tossing around ideas for the next week when all of a sudden she pulls the 180 turn on me again saying that we can’t go on this way, that this isn’t working for her, that I’m a great guy and at this point in her life she needs to focus on her career, it’s real estate. And said it’s just how she feels and to respect that. Her job was important to me too and I understood she was like starting over because she had to retake the test for her license and stuff. I love her and wondering how long I should stay away for?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on June 15, 2019:

A month is preferable to give him enough time to relax and think about the relationship (whether he would like to continue in it or not). You also need ample time to think whether he still wants to live with you together with your child. You have to do a lot of digging to find out whether he's still comfortable with staying with you and your child growing up calling him daddy.

jam106 on June 13, 2019:

My boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me because he isn’t sure when (if ever) he will be comfortable with the fact that I have a 2 year old. He has known about my son from the beginning and told me it wouldn’t be an issue but he wanted to take things slowly. Our relationship was amazing: he even introduced me to all of his close friends, parents and coworkers who all really liked me. He never met my son but bought him an Easter basket. He’s stressed at work so that may be playing a part. How long should I do No Contact?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on April 05, 2019:

@JDPT, yes, you should stick with no contact. It will afford both of you time to heal and reflect on the failed relationship.

It was a good thing to let her know you should not talk for a month so she knows why you've remained silent.

The fact she's viewing your photos indicate she's feelings for you, only that she knows she can't ask you to get back or she is comforting herself by viewing your posts.

Thus, if you exercise no contact for too long you might not get her back because she'll have moved after seeing you no longer have any interest.

You should gauge how long to employ no contact. At least two weeks is appropriate but when you contact her, you should start your conversation at basic level then later discuss the root cause(s) of the problems that had faced your relationship.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on April 05, 2019:

@Moto554, I'm not sure by now which decision you've undertaken. I am late in responding as I didn't receive a notification of your message.

It's best you tell her you're living with someone if you've not already told her so. Maybe she wants the two of you to get together after things not going well on her side in terms of her love life or it could be other reasons. However, since you're living with someone it's good to tell her.

I wouldn't advice to be friends with benefits. It's like you are treating her like a machine. You should be friends but not platonic. Additionally, it will be good to meet with her to know whether her kid is yours or not.

JDPT on April 04, 2019:

My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago and I'm torn. We've broken up several times because I would end it but within a week we'd get back together. This time we got into a fight and I hung up on her and didn't contact her for a week. She then broke up with me saying that she wasn't mad and she still loves me but we weren't meant to be and wants to still remain bestfriends. We've been in a long distance relationship for 4 years and have talked about moving in together by this summer. We talked a few days after the break up but the constant snapchat videos she would send me was getting to me so I said it's best if we don't talk for a month. I know it's barely been a week but every time I post something on social media she's quick to view it. I still dream about her and have a strong feeling she feels the same way I do. Should I stick with no contact? Is it possible to have my Queen back soon?

Moto5554 on March 11, 2019:

I broke the no contact rule that I started from 30 days and it went bad and I started over and completed 60 days been writing on Instagram and also been sending my ex money who is now married. not sure if she really is she has a kid and I did too we broke up because of me cheating and I don’t know if she was, we been talking and while we both are with are rebounds I’m not sure if her kid is mine as well she at the beginning she made me doubt it but I help her with money since we start talking again as friends I promised her to lunch and dinner and etc when she reminded me she is married me and mother of child got in argument and I broke up with mother of my child for a day I know that I have feelings for my ex i just miss her I didn’t expect me getting better would help so much so I told her I was single for that one day and she didn’t respond so I stayed with mother of child and I figure shes married but don’t know if she lying because she like to play hard to get way all her picture of guy who suppose to be father and married to is not on her profile no more literally not even one out of the six pics she use to have but anyways she didn’t respond the day that I was single, then next day my she told me that she would be in town we were in same town but I didn’t see her message until I came back home it’s been 48 to three days and I haven’t read the complete message or even respond because I am intimidated . I want to see her as a friend and be able to see her and hangout one more time and see where it goes we both may have been with rebounds but it not fair to anyone I just want to follow my heart maybe we could be friends with benefits and began a new sex orientation for me since I’m more of a demisexual . Please help me should I wait longer to respond like a week and tell her what really happen that I didn’t see message to finally see her again I’m guessing she doesnt have much free time like me since we are with someone else also I lied and told her I got her a new iPhone I knew it would get her attention and that work well since I been helping her with sending her money so I don’t want her to expect anything and a bear I am waiting for in mail but wasent meant for her she doesn’t know about bear but willing to give to her she expects a phone it’s been 3 years and now she finally willing to talk in person? Should I go through and tell her I’m living with someone ?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on February 11, 2019:

For one your boyfriend was hurt after realising you had a friend with benefits. It did hurt him the reason he ended the relationship. But, does he love you? He does but the thought of you having had a boyfriend with benefits makes him determined not to get back to you. He is hurt.

You've tried to get him back to no avail. In the process you've become hurt. Thus, both of you're hurt and both of you need time from each other to heal. At the same time both of you need time from each other to reflect on the relationship and to gain the strength to move on.

Since you relationship has spanned for 9 years, you'll need to exercise no contact for one month. You'll at least have healed from the hurt you feel, have gained the strength to move on and it will help you appreciate yourself.

You have developed low self-esteem because of the action you'd taken that led to the demise of the relationship of which you've tried all you could but couldn't get the relationship back.

During the no contact don't think about the relationship. Move on with your life, do the things you like doing and forgive yourself. After the end of the no contact period, contact him. If he doesn't respond positively, wish him all the best but don't forget to ask for forgiveness. You'll need it so much to move on with your life. If he says he won't forgive at least you tried. It will assist you greatly in your moving on.

Realize with no contact the outcome can be positive or negative depending with the outcome of the breakup. How the relationship broke up, what lead to its breakup and whether your ex is thinking of getting back with you. Thus, don't hold your hopes high. You just move on with your life, doing your things, not thinking about the relationship and when or it comes to contacting him; you won't feel the pain at its maximum level.

I have written an article on how to heal and recover from a breakup. You might want to read it but remember you've to forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness so as to overcome the feeling of low self-worth. One month is enough to get the results of the possibility of moving on or there is a chance of Getty back together.

Krepalina on February 10, 2019:

My ex broke up with me after almost 9 years of being together in which we had a long-distance relationship for 3 years and open relationship agreement. When we came back together, he broke up with me because I told him I had a friend with benefits while living separately. He told me he doesn't see us together anymore in the future and that he doesn't love me anymore. I was trying everything to get him back and end up even more hurt and rejected by him. I feel so mentally exhausted and ill that I stopped contacting him for some days. Could no contact help in this situation and for how long should it last? What could I expect from it? I just want to overcome this feeling of low self-worth and hopelessness and to move on with my life no matter what will be the final outcome of this situation. I feel trapped in the sort of 'time gap'.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on January 16, 2019:

I feel for you lady in red. No contact will be applicable. It will give you time to digest this shocking revelation. Also, it will enable you to reflect on the marriage and what next step to take. Since you won't be in contact, you will be in good condition to think clearly about the marriage, and if you have been blessed with children and they are still young what to do.

No contact will also allow the healing process to commence and to still and control and make sense of the various emotions you're undergoing through.

But do make sure to let him know you want some time apart from him or to have your own space but don't give him the time period you will end the no contact. And, it is better you don't live together during this period. At a friend or a family's home is better

lady in red on January 16, 2019:

what shall I do,just now I discovered my husband had infidelity for 10 yrs.,we been married for 25 yrs..is no contact be effective?my heart is bleeding for that shock news.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on January 09, 2019:

More than two weeks is preferable though a month is ideal. This period would have allowed both of you enough time to accept you are for now friends, not lovers, to heal and recover from the breakup without exhibiting feelings of desperation or neediness.

Rohit on January 09, 2019:

What do you think is the ideal time for asking my ex out again after breakup. We've been talking as friends.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 31, 2018:

By not contacting her, you are giving her the space she needs to reflect about the relationship and things she needs to fix. There is the possibility of a future between the two of you but it will depend on the conclusion she has made during this period of no contact.

You should deduce when to break the no contact and get in touch with her, preferably in person to discuss things with her though not all of them at one go. She will be overwhelmed and confused.

Before you end no contact you should also reflect on several things such as whether you will be content with her children because she feels it will be too much to have additional children.

pxtr on December 30, 2018:

My ex lady left me because she said she has just too much going on right now (I know what she meant, for example, she has 3 kids, stressful job, she has 4 dogs and she sometimes even cried because she was so stressed for keeping 4 dogs) and she also said that she doesn't feel like we have a future together (I think she was pointing to the fact that I'm 8 years younger than her, she already has 3 kids and she most likely doesn't want any more children in the future). It still felt unfair because she is really bad at communicating and I never got to talk about future with her. I just thought we'll talk about future when she's ready...And next she just breaks up with me. I've been giving her some space now, haven't contacted her for a week. Does this look like the type of scenario where it could be possible for us to be together again in the future? Once she has fixed the things she felt she needed to fix alone that is...She did say she was happy with me.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 12, 2018:

From your description Mel Pas, it is better you remain casual friends. After some time has gone by while still in no contact period or moving on with your lives, the two of you will know. Not in weeks but months.

Mel Pas on December 11, 2018:

My recent ex tried being friend at one point doing the no contact rule, he came back feeling horrible for having blocked me. Recently we reinstated it because we keep hurting each other. We left literally only one line of communication open in case of emergencies, we were extremely close as a couple and when the break up happened, I took it poorly. Literally begging him not to go. But i saw it was inevitable. We agreed we would never be just friends, and have no idea when either of us will be ready to talk again, we know as of right now, who we are as people, currently arent good for each other. The likely hood of rekindling the friendship is there, and a slim chance for the relationship, but i dont count on either.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 02, 2018:

It is a good idea, Becky,to contact him after the holidays for the two of you would have had ample time to reflect on your relationship and work out on things that need changes in your individual life. On the issue of getting a new apartment you would know whether it is wise to do so after contacting him.

Remember,you should guard your heart when you contact him because you never know what will come out of the contact.

Becky on November 28, 2018:

I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years and the last 6 months have been really hectic (lots of visitors and time with new friends and not a lot of quality time together). He told me a month ago that he was worried about how we weren't communicating honestly with each other, as the chaos made me clingy and try to hide my feelings and opinions. I've gotten better and he's acknowledged that but it's a long process and he's beginning to realize he has some things to work out too. He says the feeling's not right anymore and thinks we need to work on ourselves outside the relationship (and maybe get more dating experience), but I see this as a chance to grow together as long as we have an honest discussion about where we see this going and what we need from a relationship. We live together but he's been staying at a friend's until Christmas so we agreed on NC but not a definite time. I don't know what to do - should I contact him after the holidays or find a new apartment?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on November 03, 2018:

Hey Ella. It is a good decision you undertook. It's better you stay friends but not platonic friends. Rarely should you communicate to each other. As long as you do so you'll miss him a lot, wishing to be together when you don't want to be in a relationship with him because he's in another one. If your friendship is not very close as it was before, the better.

Ella on November 03, 2018:

Hey its been a week and I realized I dont want to be in a relationship with him anymore. We love each other alot but many things happened and we moved on and after one year got back together.. somehow the last month he was distanced and confused thinking he just came back with me because he missed me alot. Even if he has another girlfriend I'm fine with it as I saw that we dont work out. We have alot of fun together and we care for each other. Now he told me for a while he doesnt want any contact and I really hope we both can stay friends after that as I dont want to miss him in my life. We are too important for each other and everyone knows it.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on October 28, 2018:

Your boyfriend refusing to give you your things signifies three things. The first he no longer wants you but wants to feel connected to you through your things. It will remind him of you or the things will remind him of the good times you shared together.

Secondly he might not want you now but at a later date he will want you back. He thinks once you take your things it will be difficult for you to accept to come back to him when he asks so. It's like a passport for your accepting to return to his arms.

Thirdly, he wants to feel he is control of things - you, the breakup, the relationship. He wants you to know he can do what he wants and you can't do anything.

Since you know your boyfriend very well, you might have an idea from any of the above three reasons why he is adamant in not giving you your things.

Ego on October 28, 2018:

My ex bf does not want me again and i asked him to release some of my things i left in his house but he is adamant.wht is the meaning?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on October 26, 2017:

You should take it slow. If he doesn't want to be in the relationship because he is afraid of responsibility/commitment, he wants to be a free bird; you cannot do anything to get him back. You need to continue on with your life. Do not contact him to plead he should come back. Do the things you do, concentrate on yourself and put his image on the back of your head, that is, it's time you stop conversation with him. It will be hard. You will only hurt yourself the more you contact you. Show him you are also independent, you can function without him because the reason he gave may be true or there is a hidden reason.

In short, leave him alone as hard it may be and continue on with your life. It is obvious he does not want to be in relationship with you, therefore he does not respect the time you have been together with him. You will find yours in the future. Move on with your life.

Anwesha chanda on October 24, 2017:

I am in relationship during 6 years...our relation is so strong...after completing diploma one day he has said that he wants to be single..can't take any responsibility..he wants to float in the flow.he'll not marry in future.....still there is no 3rd person in our relation..still we love each other bt he didnt want to get back into the relation..what should i do now??

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