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The Benefits of No Contact Rule After a Relationship Break Up

Updated on December 24, 2016
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Benny is both a professional tutor and writer. He likes writing on subjects that touch on human heart.

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I bet you have heard it or come across the No Contact rule. It is a rule advised to a person who has been at the receiving end of a relationship. Before we go into details about this rule let’s first of all have a look at your situation.

You fell in love. You gave your whole heart to your partner. Every single day wouldn’t pass without thinking about her. She was everything to you. She meant everything to you. She was your East and West, your compass. She was the apple of your eye.

You knew without a doubt she would be your future wife. Maybe you had introduced her to your family or were about to, and/or maybe she did or was about to introduce you to her family. Then, when you thought everything was sailing smoothly you receive the shocking message. The message leaves you speechless for a moment. It can’t be so, you keep reassuring yourself.

Did she give the reason as to why she decided to end the relationship? Yes! The reason might be justified or not.

You are hurt. You feel like crying. You feel your world has come to end. You seem to have no mood for anything. You want to be alone. You seem reserved in conversations. Your friends can sum up your behavior as being out of touch with the world.

What do you do after your partner ends the relationship? You have begged, you have pleaded, you have justified why her reasons aren’t justified so it holds no place as the reason for ending up the relationship. She has insisted no more. It’s over. And she emphasizes once more that it’s over. It’s hurting. It is at this point when No Contact rule applies.


What Is No Contact Rule

This is whereby you decide not to engage in talking, calling or texting your ex in whatever form including through social media sites. You are going to remain tongue-tied, as silent as a church mouse, or as dead as a doornail. You might bump into each other frequently, but as far as it goes it’s only greetings; nothing more. If you are in the same class and have been given group work, you only discuss about the topic; nothing more. If you work at the same place, just behave like both of you don’t know each other well; nothing more.


How No Contact Rule Works

The No Contact Rule works by ensuring you don’t communicate with your ex. You stop talking to him/her for a period of time. You can do this by deleting his/her numbers (or storing your ex’s number somewhere where you might not be lured to call/text your ex) in your phone contact list. This will place you in a better position of not being tempted to call or text her. When you try to call or text her, you find you don’t have your ex’s number. Therein, you will not be able to call or text her/him. When it comes to social media sites, you can unfriend or block her. This will stop you from stalking him/her by reading his/her statuses and the lure to comment on his/her posts and/or like them.

It is advised the NC rule should not be less than two weeks. The preferable time is from one month upwards. You can gauge for yourself whether after two weeks it’s alright to end the NC rule or you should continue with it. The ball is in your court.

Benefits of No Contact Rule

There are three benefits of NC rule:

a) Time To Heal

You are hurting. You are full of bitterness and anger. You hate her so much despite the fact you do love her very much. Other feelings associated with hurt also sail along to the extent you begin feeling lonely. Experiencing hurtful feelings isn’t something beautiful. Break up rips a person’s heart not into two pieces but into smaller pieces. You had given her your whole heart, not just a bit. The pain is too much. You feel like it’s eating the whole of you from inside out.

When you are not in contact with your ex, the healing process can take place smoothly; slowly but surely. The more you contact her after the breakup the more the hurt the sadder and sorrowful you will be. You need to have your own time to heal.

The NC rule helps you to forget your ex. It aids in erasing the memories you shared. It helps in dealing with negative emotions that sprang up as a result of the break up. You will not be staring at your phone expecting a message or a call nor will you be looking now and then at her social media accounts to have a peak at her posts.


You need to discipline yourself not to contact her. As long as you are hurting is as long as you will find no motivation to move on. You wish days will end quickly. You long to be alone. You perform poorly in your studies or at your work place. You start isolating yourself from your friends and loved ones. Your life is filled with misery. You start losing weight because of a lot of thinking, eat less and drink more.

When you are not thinking about your ex at this stage, it’s a good indication you are recovering from the breakup. A breakup can immobilize a person such that the person doesn’t have enough strength to stand up and move on. Therefore, when you begin thinking about yourself you will start feeling good about yourself. You will feel motivated to move on. You will have a reason to live and hope whether you will get back together or not, life has to go on.

b) Time to Consider

If you continue or are trying to contact her after breakup, this will pose as a problem. Why? You will be thinking of how to get her back into your life. You will be trying all you can to have her back. This is tragic. Why? You are living in denial. You don’t want to accept the relationship is over. You are acting like a person who has been thrown out of a room and the door has been locked. You are knocking at the door and yelling but the occupant is busy listening to music with her earphones on. She doesn’t know whether you are still there or not. She has already moved on with her life. In your case you are behaving as if you have left your life there.

You need time to think things through. You need time to analyze the relationship. You need to synthesize all that has happened to you from the start of the relationship to the end. Was the relationship toxic? Did you enjoy it, or were you forcing yourself into relationship because you found there was no other way out?

The NC helps you to analyze the relationship in all angles it affords you to look at it. When you don’t contact her you will be in a better position to look keenly at the relationship. You will have a good outlook as to whether the reasons she gave are justified or not. If they are not, then you can decide to say goodbye to the relationship. Let’s say she left you because you were not earning good salary. She met another man who earns better than you. She fell in love with him (whether real love or not, it shouldn’t bother you). When you confronted her, she responded the relationship was over.

Why The No Contact Rule Works

When you analyze her behavior before you two became lovers, when you became lovers and after you became lovers; hey, you will come into the decision whether you want her back in your life or not. You confronted her but she gave a reason(s) why she decided to end the relationship. You are sure she lied to you. So, do you want to try to get her back into your life?

If the reason appears justified, by taking time not talking to her you will be in a good position to know whether to give a try. After duration of time has passed of not contacting your ex, you will begin to think logically, in a critical manner. Should I try once more or accept it’s over?

c) Control Power

When you bombard your ex with pleadings, your ex will see she has an upper hand. It will make her realize she is in control and you are needy. There are two things that will result from your begging as an end result of desperation. She will see you are more of a disturbing element, a confused one of which she doesn’t want to have in her life. In life there are situations when you are not supposed to show your neediness. You will end up despised and mistreated. The second one, she can manipulate you. Whatever she says you agree because you are desperate.

She had control in dumping you, now is the time to have control in showing her you’re not desperate but independent. When you don’t contact her you’re showing her as much as the breakup was hurting it doesn’t mean you have been torn into pieces that cannot be pieced together. In fact you are showing her it’s not the end of the road.

This will leave your ex with a lot of questions. Why is he/she not calling or texting me? She will begin missing you. She will not contact you during the first few weeks because she doesn’t want you to see she is desperate or has been affected by your silence. When the silence becomes too much, she might end up calling you. She may use her close friends who are near to you in order to get information how you are faring. Have you gotten a new girlfriend? Is she beautiful than her? It’s not revenge when you use NC rule, but you are playing a fair game. It’s a win-win game. She had the control, now you are the one steering the wheels.


In conclusion, after a breakup it’s important to take your time to heal before trying to contact your ex. When you have healed (though not completely), you will be able to analyze the situation and come up with a conclusive decision. It’s preferable if the NC rule should be applicable for a month and over. At this stage (duration of time) you’ll have healed pretty well, and are moving on with your life. Neither will you be thinking so much about your ex nor will you be relieving now and then the past memories. This will enable you to analyze or think critically about the relationship. Then, you will be able to come up with a conclusive answer whether to give another try or not.

Points to Remember

  1. NC aids in the healing process. You are hurting as a result of the breakup. The only way to heal from the ‘wound’ inflicted in your ‘heart’ is by applying No Contact rule.
  2. It aids in getting rid of negative emotions from controlling your life. When allowed to continue for long, the destructive emotions may affect you negatively physically, spiritually and psychologically.
  3. It aids you in focusing ahead. You don’t want to be thinking about your ex and the good side of the relationship all the time. You have a life. You need to be aware of it. Your goals, ambitions, dreams etc. It helps you to stop living in the world of your ex.
  4. It aids in re-energizing you. After a breakup a person loses the will power to move on. A person feels emotionally crippled – emotionally drained which affects your physical body. In order to regain psychological strength you need to apply NC rule.
  5. NC is not so much as a way of getting your ex back or to make your ex miss you. It is all about you. It is for your own benefit.
  6. It aids you in being able to analyze the relationship on the positive and negative side. After analyzing it you will be able to make correct judgment regarding it. Is it better or not to try to get your ex back?
  7. It aids you in making use of your hobbies which you had neglected. Hobbies will enable you to appreciate life heal from the heart have a positive mentality get rid of negative emotions and have hope.
  8. It holds you back from trying to convince your ex why the decision he made was wrong. What happens when you keep doing that? Your ex will get annoyed and it will cause ‘fights’ in form of words. The ex will despise you the more.
  9. It aids in regaining your self-esteem and overcoming depression. Breakups tend to affect someone’s self-esteem and the person ends up depressed and having low self-worth.
  10. It aids you in erasing the image of your ex. As long as you let images of your ex form a major part in your mind is as long as you are letting your ex control your mind. As long as he controls your mind you will not heal from the heart and you will be unmotivated to continue on with your life. You will be a living a fed-up life.
  11. It acts as a proof to you and your ex you can be happy without your ex. Happiness does not derive from having a relationship with him. It comes from within.
  12. Lastly it helps you not to be a beggar. You don’t need to become a beggar by begging your ex. NC will open your ‘eyes’ as to why you don’t need to beg.


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