How to Respond Maturely When Someone Breaks Up With You
Your (now ex) boyfriend just told you that it's over. Your relationship is ending. You're reeling. You feel hurt, angry, and confused. Maybe you saw it coming or maybe it's out of the blue. No matter what your situation is, it's definitely true that it sucks.
Soon you'll be alone and have some time to think things through, but right now, all you need to know is how to get through the next ten minutes.
How to Act When Someone Breaks Up With You
-
Tell yourself you'll be OK.
No matter what you feel like right now (and no matter what you actually believe), tell yourself that you're OK, that you're going to live through this, and that this isn't the end of the world. You can do it like a mantra in your head: "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK." It's OK to lie to yourself right now.
-
Breathe.
Make sure you keep breathing. Focus on the air coming in and out of your nose. You could even count your breaths—keep them deep and even. This will help you stay calm.
-
Respect their decision.
Don't beg or plead for them to take you back or to change their mind. The more you beg, the worse you look, and the less likely you'll be able to salvage any kind of friendship.
-
Don't say too much.
In the heat of the moment, you're likely to say something that you will later regret. Keep your words to a minimum.
-
Don't try to force them to stay with you.
First of all, it won't work. Second of all, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Trying to get them to stay in the relationship, or even just to stay with you physically in the same room will only make you look desperate and it will make them want to leave even more.
-
Keep physical boundaries.
Don't try to get sexy with them (bad idea!) and don't let them get sexy with you. Kissing isn't going to make them change their mind, even if it might distract you both from what's happening for a little bit.
-
Don't interrupt them.
Let them say everything they want to say. After they're finished talking, ask them if there's anything else they'd like to mention. This shows that you are mature enough to let them have the floor.
-
If you want to, respond carefully.
If you need to, take a few moments to gather your thoughts to respond to what they've said. Remember that you cannot change their mind about the breakup, so in your response, simply try to give your point of view without blaming or insulting them. Keep it as positive and as short as possible. Another option is to say that you'd like to give your point of view but that you're feeling too overwhelmed to do it right now. Ask them if they'd be okay with having a conversation in a couple of days.
-
Keep your cool.
Don't get angry or defensive. If you feel like you're getting too emotional to where you can't think straight or you just want to scream at them, ask if you can continue the conversation later. Think about being the kind of person that they'll regret leaving — some crying is normal, but if you're yelling or screaming at them, or insulting them, it's unlikely that will make you look very good. -
Be grateful (if possible.)
Right now, you're probably really hurt and angry so it may be hard to try to dig out a silver lining. If you can, though, try to thank them for the good times that you had together.
-
Say goodbye.
Hug them and say farewell. Then, once they leave and you get home, you can collapse on your bed and start bawling.
-
Forgive.
Eventually, find forgiveness for them in your heart. It's hard and it may even seem impossible right now, but holding a grudge against them will only hurt you in the end and keep you from having positive dating experiences.
14 Things to Say When Someone Breaks Up With You
- This makes me really sad, but I respect your decision.
- I'm grateful for everything that we had together and I wish you all the best.
- I know we had problems and I thought we were working on them. I still think we could have a good future together, but I understand you don't see things the same way.
- I'd be lying if I said I was totally okay with this. I think you're awesome. I want you to have a happy life. I hope I can still be a part of it somehow, even if we aren't together.
- The truth is that I am sad now, but I'm going to be okay. I'm going to miss you.
- I'm just trying to keep it together right now. I didn't see this coming and—if I'm being honest—it really hurts. But I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I really care about you and if being with me doesn't make you happy, then I agree that we shouldn't be together.
- We experienced so much together, and I'm grateful for what we had. I still care about you a lot and it will make me sad to see you go.
- You're going to have to give me some time to think about this. Do you think we could talk in a couple of days?
- This hurts so much. I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad. I'm just trying to be honest. I wish this weren't happening, but I accept that you have a different vision of the future.
- I wish I were a part of your future, but I can't make you change your mind. I think it will be best if we don't talk to each other for a while, so before that happens, I just want to tell you one last time that I do love you and I want only the best things for your life.
- I don't completely understand why, but I understand that you don't want to be together anymore, and that makes me really sad. I know I'm going to be okay but it hurts a lot right now.
- I still care about you and I'm going to miss you.
- I don't hate you, but right now I do feel hurt and angry. I hope you understand that I need some time alone. I hope that we can still be friends later on, but right now I don't know.
- I didn't think that this would be happening. I wanted to stay together. But you don't feel the same way. I wish you all the best. Goodbye.
Breakups Suck, but You're Going to Be OK
Breakups hurt. Sometimes it's very difficult to know why your ex decided to end things. You may feel embarrassed, like you've lost your dignity. Or you might feel messed up, like your world is turned upside down. You might even be so confused that you feel useless. Now that your romantic relationship is over, what else is there?
People react differently during breakups. Generally the ones who get hit the hardest are those who are on the receiving end—especially when they didn't see it coming (and especially if it was a long-term relationship). That's not to say that people aren’t affected when they're the one that ends the relationship either. Especially if the relationship was very serious, usually the ones who break it off feel pretty bad about it too.
They definitely suck. But no matter what—you have a choice in how you respond to a breakup. Remember that you want to keep as much of your dignity as possible so you can hold your head high the next time you see your ex. You might be crumbling inside, but they don't have to know that.
It doesn't matter if you've gone through lots of breakups or if this is your first one—it's a good idea to be careful in your response. You'll only embarrass yourself if you act dramatically.
Also, if you have a meltdown during the breakup—no matter which side you are on—it'll take longer to heal, and there is almost no chance your ex will consider getting back together with you (if that is something that you want to do).
Here's some more detail on how you can best respond if someone is breaking up with you.
1. Pretend Like You're OK
Psychological studies have shown that acting like you're OK—doing things like smiling or staying calm—can actually help you feel better. Even though in the moment you may feel like you want to disappear, do your best to put on a brave face. At the very least, it will help you keep your dignity in front of the person who's dumping you.
2. Stay Calm. Breathe.
When we are in anxiety-producing situations, our body has the tendency to tense up. This may cause you to hold your breath, which makes you feel even more tense and emotional, and so on. Even though it may seem like you're going to lose control if you breathe, let it happen.
Focus on the feeling of breath coming in and out of your nose (a useful mindfulness technique), and taking deep breaths and counting them. This will help keep your feelings from spiraling out of control.
3. Respect Your Ex’s Decision
Accept and respect your ex's decision. Respecting the decision means you’ve heard what they've had to say and are not in denial about what is happening.
It is true that it hurts. You might cry and you will, in fact, feel hurt. What matters, however, is how you react. At first, you just need to listen and make sure your ex knows they have been heard.
4. Don't Talk Too Much
If you talk a lot, you might say things that you will regret later. Say only what you have to say, not everything that you want to say. You don't need to tell them everything that's on your mind or give them a piece of it.
You don't need to tell them how much you're hurting or if they're breaking your heart— they are no longer the person you tell everything. Don’t let them know how hurt you are. Let them see with their own eyes how strong you are by not allowing yourself to act irrationally or blab on about how much you're going to miss them.
5. Don’t Try to Force Them to Stay
Remember that you can't force things. Don’t try to force someone to stay in the relationship when they don't want to. You should respect the decision that has already been made, regardless of whether or not you think it's justified.
You can't force someone to love you when they no longer do. If they do agree to start dating again, do you think they'll love you the same? Or do you think you will always be in doubt, thinking they are just in the relationship because you begged them to be.
6. Don't Try to Get Physical With Them (Kissing Won't Change Their Mind)
Getting physical with your ex might seem like a good idea in the moment, especially because you'll probably be feeling pretty emotional and those feelings might demand an outlet. But . . . don't do it! It's unlikely that being physical with your ex will seem like a good idea in hindsight.
7. Don't Interrupt or Argue With Them
Let your ex say everything they need to say. Listen to them and try not to interrupt, even if you're feeling angry or if you feel like what they're saying is wrong. Listening patiently will leave a good last impression (which is what you want to leave them with). You'll also be able to be proud of yourself for keeping it together and letting them have their say.
8. Give Your Point of View Thoughtfully, Without Blaming or Insulting Them
If you launch into an attack on them after they've finished talking, you'll just come off looking bad. If you choose to respond to what they say to you (which is something that you don't necessarily need to do), do so thoughtfully.
Be honest and talk about how you feel and what you think—avoid statements that blame your ex or insult them. Try talking about your relationship from a 3rd-person's point of view. This may help you put things into perspective, both for yourself and for them.
9. Don’t Plead
Even if you feel like their decision to end things was unjustified, you shouldn't beg for another chance as if your life depends it. The best you can do is tell them why you disagree as reasonably as possible.
In the end, if they don't change their mind, you need to accept that the relationship is over. Don’t plead. It makes you seem needy and desperate.
You will not die if they leave you. Your world will not come to an end even if you love them very very much.
People break up and move on with their lives every day—even people who have much more at stake. It may not seem like it now, but you're going to be fine. Besides, there are plenty of guys out there for you to meet.
10. Be Grateful
Yes you heard correctly. Thank your ex for the time that you've had—even if the relationship is over for good and there is no hope of getting back together. Thank them for the good things that they offered and for the things that you learned with them.
This may feel impossible to do right away, and that's understandable. At some point, though, it will be best for you to figure out the things that you liked about your relationship. Remember that there was a reason you two were together in the first place. It didn't just happen randomly. Find and appreciate the good times.
Also, telling them that you're grateful for what you had makes you look really good. It shows that you have more in life to live for than the relationship, and that you're going to carry the good things forward with you as you move on.
11. Forgive Them
This might seem impossible at first and it might not happen right away. At some point, though, you'll need to forgive them. Holding onto a grudge — no matter how much you were wronged — only does you harm in the end.
Perhaps you've heard the comparison of how holding a grudge is like a person holding onto a hot coal in order to throw it at someone else. In the end, only the person holding onto the coal gets burned. Even though it may take time, you need to let your anger go. It will only harm you and will do nothing to them.
Why You Should Try to Keep Your Cool
When you respond positively to a breakup—as much as it hurts—it shows several things:
- You show that you're not in denial about what's happening. It will show your ex that you are also capable of moving on and that you don't need them to survive.
- Reacting well shows that you are able to handle yourself even if you are hurting. This shows maturity. Though there's nothing wrong with feeling sad (and in fact, you should take time to feel through the emotions of a breakup), behaving with dignity with your ex will help you feel stronger, and may even help you get over the breakup faster. It also makes you look good in front of them. The last thing you want is to come off looking pathetic.
- Even though you feel hurt, the breakup will end on a good note and you'll earn your ex's respect.
- You might surprise your ex. They'll wonder why you didn't react negatively, which is something many people expect. When you don't beg and plead for them back, you'll show them that you still have a life to live without them and that you're going to be fine.
- You will not regret your actions or feel ashamed because of what you did and you'll feel good about yourself.
Things to Remember During a Breakup
- Give yourself some time to think things through and time to sort out your thoughts regarding what happened. Maybe it was for your own good.
- Not all relationships are meant to survive forever. There are many people out there that will be a good fit for you.
- Things don't always go to plan. Hurt is inevitable. Sometimes there is nothing more that you could have done. Maybe you did everything you could have. Either way — the relationship is over now. Try not to spend too much time rehashing the past.
- If you live in denial or stay angry, you'll only make it harder for yourself to recover. You'll be letting your ex live on in your life when neither of you deserve that. Let them go.
- You probably know this already, but it doesn't hurt to repeat: do not contact your ex for at least two weeks. This gives you and your ex-boyfriend both some time to think and recover.
How to Respond If They Broke Up With You Over Text
-
Re-read the text message.
Let's be honest—you're probably going to do that a bunch anyways. It's OK to read (and re-read, and re-read, and re-read). But whatever you do, don't respond just yet.
-
Stay put.
Don't respond to the text yet and stay off social media!!! Do not vent there. The chance you'll say something that you regret later is pretty high. Instead . . .
-
Journal.
Write down all of your feelings and what you'd want to say to your ex if you could tell them anything in a journal or a paper letter and do not send it to them. This is just for you to vent. Honestly it will help.
-
Wait to respond.
Wait 24 hours until you're feeling a little more level-headed. If you're still so mad you just want to text them "I HOPE YOU DIE," wait a little longer.
-
Reach out.
Contact friend or family member ASAP and tell them what happened. Texting or calling is good, but it's even better if you hang out with them in person.
-
Respond carefully.
When you're ready, and you choose to respond (which you do not have to), you can text them back. Here are some options for what you could say:
"This makes me sad to hear. I wish we could have had this conversation in person. I am grateful for the times that we've shared and I wish you all the best."
"I don't agree with the way you've decided to end things but I'm not going to try to change your mind. Goodbye."
"This was really shocking for me to see. I know that breaking up is hard but I wish we could have done this in person. I think we could have had a good future, but I respect that you don't see things the same way. I wish you all the best."
"Really sad about this—hope you have a good life."
-
Be nice.
Even if you're faking it, it is important that you are polite to them because it shows them that, unlike them, you are not a loser. You are a mature adult who can have hard conversations.
-
Forgive them.
Then, start the slow process of forgiving them and moving on with your life. You have so much to give. You're an awesome girl and your ex doesn't deserve any more of your time.
How to Move On After a Breakup
-
Feel the feelings.
Let yourself be sad, angry, hurt, shocked, heartbroken. Don't try to suppress the emotions. They need to be felt and appreciated. They are real, and what you had was real. Listen to sad breakup songs, watch sad breakup movies (avoid romances!!), and watch raindrops on window panes.
-
Write it out.
Journaling is a great tool for you to better understand how you feel. Make a commitment to journal every day even if you don't feel like it and even if you just end up writing their name over and over again. Another helpful tool is writing letters to them (that you don't end up sending). It's a way to trick your mind into getting closure.
-
Remember the good times.
Even though you might be hurting right now—and even if it's better that you're broken up—don't forget that there were good things about your relationship. Don't let yourself become bitter. It will only hurt you in the end.
-
Let them go.
Ceremonies can be powerful tools to help recover from heartbreak. You could do something like write their name on a piece of paper and then say all of the things that you loved about them, and all the things that you hated about them. Then, you could (carefully!) burn the paper, symbolizing releasing them from your life. Or you could make up your own ceremony.
-
Give yourself space.
Hide their pictures and mementos (or give them to a friend for safekeeping—sometimes they're nice to have later on and you'll regret destroying them). Unfriend, unfollow, and block them from social media. Do it. You do not need to know what's happening in their lives. Do not call them, text them, email them, "bump" into them, or otherwise try to contact them for as long as you need to (many people say 30 days). You don't have to just ghost either—you could tell them that you need some space from them for a while and that you'll reach out when you're ready (if you want to).
-
Instead, reach out to friends and family.
Hang out with your pals and with the people that love you. They want to support you and help you through this, especially right at the beginning. Let yourself lean on their shoulders.
-
Take care of yourself.
You've probably heard this a million times, but that's because it's true. Get enough sleep (8 hours every night!), eat good food (avoid chips, ice cream, candy—anything high carb or high fat), don't try to use alcohol or drugs to make yourself feel better (being sad and hungover is horrible), exercise (there are so many great workout videos on YouTube—try something gentle like yoga), and go outside! (walking is great). Even if you want to curl up and die, your body still needs you to take care of it. You might not feel like it, but just go through the motions at first and trust that eventually you will feel better. You could also try meditating—start with just one minute and try to work your way up to 10 minutes, adding one minute every day. This will help you learn how to sit with your emotions and tune into what your body is feeling.
-
Make new memories.
Invite your friends to do something new together. Go on a trip. Read a new book. Go to a concert. Try a new hobby or get back into an old one. Making new memories will help you get started on a new life without your ex. Also, try volunteering or doing something nice for a friend or family member—a great way to forget about how miserable you are is by helping others.
-
Forgive your ex.
In time, find a place in your heart to forgive your ex. Remember that, like you, they are just human and just trying to do the best they can. Whether or not you think they were in the right for breaking up with you, what has happened has happened, and the only thing you can do is appreciate what you had together and move forward into the future.
-
Forgive yourself.
Maybe you're mad at yourself for not seeing the breakup coming, for not trying hard enough, for hurting them, or for making the same relationship mistakes that you've made before. No matter what—you need to forgive yourself too. Take what you can from this past relationship and learn from it. Know that you are also imperfect and just trying to do your best. You should know that you deserve wonderful relationships full of love, and that you are capable of achieving them.
You Will Get Through This
As hard as breakups are and as much as they suck, you are going to make it through.
Good luck and stay strong.
Have Your Say:
Do you think it matters a lot how you react during a breakup?
Questions & Answers
I was in an 8-year-long relationship but my boyfriend says he needs freedom and wants to talk with other girls. So what should I do?
Time to pack and go i.e leave the relationship. It shows he doesn't respect you as his girlfriend. The fact he says he wants freedom indicates you are obstructing him from talking to other girls. He wants to flirt with girls however he wants while still in a relationship with you.
Once a person commits in a relationship, there are some things he needs to stop doing. He is no longer single with no strings attached. But, the fact is that he considers you as a jail whereby he can't breathe or move.
If your boyfriend lacks respect for who you are in his life, then why bother to continue in the relationship with him? Let him know you no longer want anything to do with him - the relationship is over. You should settle with a man who respects you and understands that some things or behaviors need to be done away once committed in a relationship.
He might have been a nice guy and you've been in the relationship for long; but remember people change and they develop a different perspective pertaining to relationship.
I hope you will find your feet and move on. Don't cling to the fact he is still the nice guy you knew.
Helpful 60My boyfriend broke up with me because I sent him a message saying he hurt me when he didn't call me on my birthday. He sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday and told me we would talk later but he didn't call. He broke up with me via text message because I sent him a text telling him how I felt. Was I wrong to do this?
It is well-known that women feel hurt when their significant ones or husbands don't wish them a happy birthday. Were you wrong in letting him know how you felt when he didn't wish you a happy birthday? You weren't wrong. He should have apologized and wished you a happy birthday. However, out of anger after letting him know how you felt, he dumped you through a text. That is not a mature manner of solving such an issue in a relationship.
In relationships, a partner may hurt his/her partner directly or indirectly. Thus, it is proper to let your partner know he hurt you by not doing something which means a lot to you.
Helpful 51I have been in a 20-year relationship. My boyfriend broke up with me through text that contained insulting or abusive words. How should I react and reply?
From your description, it appears your boyfriend has ended the relationship because you have prioritized your family above him. However, he has gone to such an extreme in insulting you in such a manner considering you've been in the relationship for 20 years.
Don't respond in anger nor use abusive words as a retaliation or to give him a piece of your mind. Let him know you've pondered on his text the reason you've taken time in responding. Let him know even though you're in a relationship, you can't ignore your family as they are part of your life as he is.
I know you're hurting considering how long you've been together. However, for him to throw such insulting words at you shows he lacks respect for you. If you would like to get back with him or not, let him know you'll accept his proposal that you won't call or text him. It will be hard to restrain yourself from contacting him but in time you'll get used to it.
Don't write a long text. Be brief. Tell him even though he has insulted you, you won't retaliate in anger or insult him. If he doesn't want to be with you it's alright. In time you'll find your foot though your enjoyed your time together. Wish him all the best and thank him for the things you shared together.
Helpful 33She just broke up with me. We have been through this process on and off - getting back together then breaking up. But this time it wasn't a mutual decision. I feel as if it came from nowhere but she still wants us to be friends like we were before, only this time I don't think I can do that anymore. What do I say to her?
You have realized that if you allow yourselves to be platonic friends you'll end up in the same game, an on and off relationship game. Let her know it won't be a good idea to be platonic friends. If it happens so you'll be wasting each other time as the two of you would end up together then break up. Thus, you should stop communicating with each other. You should cease communication because it's evident you were never meant to be together. While friendship is a good thing - returning to the state of friendship before you began dating - it is different now. It will bring back the memories and it will be hard to move on. In the months to come, the feelings for each other will have died thus you'll become casual friends since that is what you are meant to be. But, if you become platonic friends you'll be hurting each other and wasting each other's time.
Helpful 22My on/off boyfriend of 10 years broke up with me. Two days after that he started dating a girl at work that I was concerned about anyway, and a week after that I caught them at the flat we shared together. I have struggled to cope with losing him. I have done the No Contact Rule for two weeks now and it hurts me that he just seems to be perfectly okay and has no interest in talking to me. I'm trying to be strong and confident but is it all a wasted effort because that's how I feel?
You shouldn't mind your boyfriend anymore. There is no need of doing No Contact Rule to get your ex back. After breaking up with you, he starts dating a girl at work. Worse still, it happens two days after the breakup. What does this signify?
He hasn't any feelings for you. He doesn't want to be with you. You have to forget him and move on with your life. It is all a wasted effort doing the no contact for the sole purpose of getting him back. He looks satisfied where he is.
Maintain the two qualities of being strong and confident. Realize he is no longer yours. You'll get another one who treasures you. Not like your ex who dumps you and straight away gets into another relationship.
I know you love him so much but You've to stop thinking about him. You've to concentrate on your life. It will hurt seeing the two but you can get over the pain.
Employ the No Contact Rule to enable to heal and recover from the breakup.
I have written an article on how to heal and recover from a breakup: Steps to Heal and Recover from a Breakup. That's what you should be aiming for.
Helpful 2
© 2016 Benny Njuguna
Related
Comments
Me and a guy were talking for a few months and getting to know each other. However, every time I suggested we go out on a date he came up with excuses as to why he couldn't make it, etc. He stopped talking to me for a few days and replied to a message I sent with a breakup text. He told me he didn't want to "break my heart" and that he knew "we wanted different things," that I wanted a relationship and he didn't. He said he still wants to talk and meet with me and that he likes me. I'm so confused.
- AUTHOR
It's evident your ex boyfriend came up with excuses why he no longer wants to be in the relationship with you. What he said about isn't true as you have said. The reasons were only excuses to get out of the truth. Also, there isn't any truth his love for you will always remain fresh.
You have to forget him. You have to tell yourself over and over you are no longer on relationship with him. The relationship is dead thus you have to move on. Your heart needs to be retold every time the relationship failed thus it has to move on.
Whenever you think about him, stop yourself from thinking. Don't entertain any thoughts about him or feel sorry for yourself because you're no longer in the relationship.
Deleter his numbers from your phone, block or unfriend him from your social media accounts and tear/store away his pictures.
Forgive him if you are still angry at him. Don't entertain the negative emotions - hatred, anger.
Focus your mind and heart on your life and where you're heading. Don't think about the relationship anymore.
It will take time to finally find the strength to move on but when you're determined and disciplined you want to move on, you will surely move on. Within 2-4 weeks, you should have recovered from the breakup. Let that be your aim, that you won't be remorseful, you won't feel sorry for yourself, you won't wish the relationship was still alive.
hi.. my boyfriend brokeup with me two days ago, he said i take him for granted , i give no importance and i off my mood in small small things and he has to say sorry all the time . but the truth isnt that, i love him a lot and gave him importance and never took him for granted, he says he loves me but we arent compatible , he also says his love for me will remain fresh always. we were in relationship for 1.5 years. i begged him to stay but he didnt . what should i do, i cant move onn!
- AUTHOR
Your girlfriend is employing silent treatment. This is whereby she doesn't tell you if she has left you for another person. While I might be wrong, it might be she seeing another person as a form of revenge, to show is better off with the person she's seeing or her intentions might be true - she has left you for another person.
One technique you might use is exercising no contact rule. Don't contact on whatever form an average of two weeks. While you meet in the class, let your conversation be greetings and discussion about an assignment if you happen to be in the same group.
After two weeks, send her text and tell her that she's remained silent towards you for long. You have tried contacting her but she's been ignoring you. Is the relationship still active or has she opted out of it? What is the status of the relationship? Or you might tell her you love her but why has she remained silent towards you? Ask her to meet so you can discuss about the relationship. Either way she will respond.
Don't push if she doesn't respond. Wait for a few days then tell her because she hasn't responded, you won't force her to tell you.
I have this girlfriend and we are not good, I tried clearing things on WhatsApp buh she ignored me, we saw in school buh we did not talk and she is already following someone else. How do I know if she wants to break up with me?? And what do I ask her that will cause her to make her intentions known to me??
Thank You.
Good article especially about Forgiveness. Learn you cannot control another person.
- AUTHOR
There is nothing wrong in asking him that question though you shouldn't hold your hopes too high. Simply, he doesn't want to be or committed in a serious relationship and feels it's better to be alone than be in a serious relationship.
You want to be in a serious relationship so that you can settle together and afterwards get married. Unless you want to be in an open relationship.
Thus, it's proper to ask him that question. Does he mean he's broken up with you and everyone should part ways or does he want some time off?
My boyfriend broke up with me over email. At least I guess he broke up. He says he wants to be alone and not feel pressure of a serious relationship. Should I ask him if he just wants a break but then be together again?
- AUTHOR
No contact won't help in getting her back. She doesn't want to commit and she doesn't know what she wants.
It's hard to get back someone who doesn't want to commit to a relationship until future. That's why she wants to be friends so that you can always be in contact. The fact she doesn't know what she wants also makes things worse.
Your relationship has only spanned for two months. That's little time to have known each other well and to have developed emotional bonding. This also will make it hard for NC to assist you in getting her back.
In any case, when you use no contact she might see you are ignoring her or you've seen it's better not to be friends.
What I can advice is that you should treat each other as casual friends. Don't contact her always. Don't be platonic friends. Don't talk for each other for long. Maybe it will work out in your favour in the long run but don't keep your hopes to her. Gaze your eyes in other places. Time will tell.
My ex and I are both in college right now and we were dating for 2 months. She just broke up with me stating that she wasn't ready for commitment and she doesn't know what she wants. She said she wants to stay friends over the summer and see what happens after summer. I'm trying to play the NO Contact rule and hopefully see if we can get back together but is there even a chance of us getting back together? Even if we somehow keep connected over the summer.
- AUTHOR
@Saikoumarron, the distance relationship won't work out if she's found another man. This is the disadvantage of distance relationship. One partner will get tired of it very quickly.
You'll have to respect her decision unless you can convince her you'll be visiting her frequently.
You can also talk with her how you can work out on this matter. If you're able to visit her, let her know and after how long you'll be visiting her. The fact you're far makes her wonder whether the relationship will ever develop to the point you're staying together.
I meet a girl on his holiday and we arr far way from each other lonh disnstan relationahip. We love each other we arr in relationahip for month but this days she send me massage that she need a break up first i ask why she said she dont tbibk she can continue this and i thank her and respect his decision she said but i love her and she say that she found someone at the festival she hangout with that guy what can i say to her please help me i lover very much thays wju i am over this comment
I am in long disnstan relationahip for a month i meet a girl on his holiday we do write send pic ect we both have feeling for each other and we arr palning for our future ect. She send me a massage saying that she dont thibk she can maintain this long distance which i dont understand what can i say to her
She say she need a break up
- AUTHOR
@Carol, that is not a healthy relationship. Every time he breaks up with you because he's mad at you then reconcile when his anger has subsided, in the long run you'll be affected negatively.
You might develop depression and low self-esteem. Whenever he breaks up with you, you get hurt. You haven't healed enough to return to the same relationship when again he dumps you. You will ignore the heart being optimistic things will be different but what you might not know, your heart is 'bleeding' because of the continuous heart resulting from frequent breakup.
Since this is a cycle, you have to stop it. Again, he is cheating on you. It's something you've noted. He has to know your heart isn't a toy to be played with it.
You'll have to let him know you need your own space to think things through. You need your own space, not in a relationship with him, to make sense of the relationship and to let the healing process take its course. You have to heal before you engage in a relationship for your own healthy benefits.
I'm not sure if you're the one who has to move out or him. But, one of you has to do that. In this instance, I'm not sure which is which but you'll know which steps to take.
Someone cannot dump you because he's mad at you then get back because he's no longer mad at you or possible has suppressed his anger. Think how it will be when you get married and have children. It will be a disaster. He has to manager his anger and has to differentiate who you are in his life - not a toy.
My boyfriend and i have been dating for two and a half years...He broke up with me just because i got to know that he sneaked out food to a girl in the same apartment in the night while i was in the house...when i found out about that, i argued with him about it...He claims that the girl is her friend whereas the doesn't even say hi to me,knowing that am dating him..After he broke up with me,he now wants us to be together again...he always breaks up with me whenever he feels angry at me
- AUTHOR
Thank you, Victoria
Nice
- AUTHOR
@IB, I agree with you. It's possible for an individual to win back his/her ex as long as one acts maturely.
Even if an individual won't win back his/her ex, acting maturely will help a lot in dealing with the breakup and when engaging in another relationship.
- AUTHOR
Hi Sophy. Yah, you will have to take one day at a time. You will have moments when you'll think a lot of him, moments when you'll wish and moments when you'll be unsure of anything.
But, if you take one day at a time as you've noted you'll fair on well. You'll have to work out on concentrating on yourself and taking the necessary steps to heal and recover from the relationship.
It's sad the relationship ended up because of misconception on the part of your ex.
My boyfriend n I have been dating for over three years now. The last time we saw each I was visiting him at his place and then one thing lead another like nomarl relationship while we were busy I told him to get off me cos I was feeling pain since we were both drunk . Then boom in the morning he told I was acting like someone who is cheating jst because of that moment. He left the house without saying anything and then I sent him a text asking him Y he left without saying anything then his response was " you are a cheat n I'm done, for real" I was left speechless I packed my bags n told him I was ready to leave. He asked if I want to leave n then I told him wats the point of staying if he was done with me. Then later he came with a friend called me a cab then I left. Dat was da end we haven't spoke since that day. I'm still struggling to get over it Bt I'm taking it one day at a time. We've been through alot together dats Y it is so hard for me to accept
My ex texted me i dont want you to text me nowadays, and i replied why and she just said she doesnt like it, so after a few munites she texed and said may i tell you something, i said ok and she said can we end this relationship, i asked why and she said no reason, i started to nag so she could tel me the reason and she keep saying no reason, so after i texted again she ignored my textes, i called she didnt pick, so i texted and say we didnt met by mistake and it shouldnt end like this but she still ignored me, after 10mins i reasoned and text her dearest i respect your decision and i agree tp the break up, and i thanked her for the memories, so after a 20mins i saw a missed called from her and a text, so i replied by saying is there anything left to say and she said no but asked me if am angry and i said no, so she started to explain to me why she asked for break up, so i told her let's meet up the next day and we did and she expressed herself, and claimed that it was a joke, i know she lied but didnt want to upset me, actually all i want to conclude with is that you can win back your partner in a break up by just been mature, maturuty entails alot.
- AUTHOR
@Francis, you have to move on and forget about your ex. She had promised not to cheat on you but went ahead when her friend suggested another man and she didn't mind not telling her friend she's you as her boyfriend.
Forget about how. Stop any communication with her and move on. She doesn't mind you're her boyfriend thus it shows if you were still in the relationship and she got a good man, she would have dumped you.
I have written an article in how to heal and recover from a breakup. You might want to read it.
- AUTHOR
@Sally, you should not allow to be friends. You cannot move from instant lovers to instant friends. As long as you remain friends, you will always be thinking about the relationship and your boyfriends and wishing/dreaming/fantasizing you were still in the relationship. You should be casual friends but not for the time being. Until you've healed, recovered and moved on that's when you can become friends but not close friends.
Cease any communication if you're still communicating. Don't plead for a reunion. Take your time to sort out your thoughts, to reflect on the relationship, to initiate the healing process and to gain the peace of mind and strength to move on. After two weeks or a month of not communicating with him, wish him all the best and tell him you can't be friends for now. It will have to wait till you move on.
Don't plead with him for a reunion. Do check an article I wrote on how to heal and recover from a breakup.
My boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with me over the phone. Ive never had someone do this to me and dont know how to take it. He said he wanted to be friends
My girlfriend cheated on me with someone and she promised she won't again but she has a friend who has influence on her and has pushed to date someone else since my Girlfriend never told her friend she had a boyfriend.. I refused answering her calls and texted her I know about what she is planning to do. After few days I felt bad and wanted to apologies so I asked her if she had moved on and she said yes ... now am very hurting and heart broken because I really deeply love her.. what do I do now
- AUTHOR
Hi Lauren. It will hurt a lot when you work at the same place but live separately. If you've tried but she still insists on separation, you will have to respect her decision. Consider this, she wants a separation but you insist till she accepts. Do you think the relationship will remain vibrant or lively?
The relationship will be filled with newer problems and constant fights because of the reason that led to her decision on separation.
You will have to accept her decision. I believe it will work for good for the two of you. You will need it as much as her. You will still meet at work place. However, you should begin treating her as a friend not a lover. Only greetings and talking matters related to work. It will be hard meeting constantly with someone you love but is not in your arms. Maybe, during the separation something good may come out of it - reunite or move on with your life. The separation will afford you time to reflect a lot of things about the relationship. No contacting her in anyway unless when greeting or talking about work assignment.
i have been in 2years relationship we are living together, she go to vacation when she came back after 28 days she change a lot like i dont know whats happened and what is the reason why she want a separation. its very hard for me because until now we are living in a same room same work still together but there's a lot of changes. what should i do?
- AUTHOR
There are various things you can do instead of relying on sleeping pills and wine.
Always reaffirm to yourself the relationship is over, you need to work out on how to get over it. Next time you feel like taking pills or drink wine, ask yourself why you're depending on these which aren't making the situation better. When you feel the need to use them to comfort or relieve yourself, resolve not to take the pills or drink wine.
Don't try to contact your ex or converse with him in any form. Connect with your family and friends by spending time with them. Whenever an image of your ex pops up in your mind, snap out of it.
Do the things you love doing and promise yourself you will not destroy yourself because you have a life to live.
PS: I have written several articles on how to heal and recover from a relationship, things you should and should not do after a breakup.
I can't cope with the pain of my break up. Can't eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can't sleep without the sleeping pills or wine. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?
Wat should i do if he just says he doesnt feel the same, then says we can just be friends, but ignores me imedietly after? we broke up a few months ago and m deleting some fles and found our pictures, im crying lol right now. And he hasnt talked to me since our breakup, even told me how weird i am in one point when i was with my friends. He doesnt talk to me andwhenever i arrive to my friends and hes there, he just stops talking or just leaves. Im hurt! and crying, and i dont know wat to do!
- AUTHOR
It is so sad he blames you for everything when the fact is a relationship is not one-sided. You have described how the relationship is like and how he blames you for things which aren't true. You have committed into the relationship and have gone as far as to provide economically.
At this time you need to settle your mind, let peace reign in your heart and mind. You are hurting and the one you thought was your husband is now saying bad about you. I recommend you cease communicating with him. Do not contact him in any form so as to allow the healing process to begin and find the strength to move on. By not contacting him you will be able to reflect on the relationship clearly and it will help you to heal and recover from the breakup.
It is time to move on with your life. That would be my advice. You will find a better man whom you will work out in a relationship because no one is perfect.
NB: I have an arricle about No Contact rule.
My bf broke up with me and told he he was no longer happy and he wanted freedom. We have both made mistakes in the past and we have been working towards a better us but now he blames me for everything, he tells me I’m insecure that I should love myself that I don’t let him breat, which are all lies I let him have his space and hang out with friends all the time. He is currently in law school and give him as much time and space to study. I honestly thought he was going to be my husband. I helped him economically with everything and I feel like now since he is getting a loan he wants to put me on the side leave and have his fun. While breaking up with me he said horrible things about my self esteem and how everything was my fault and I needed to change.
Idk what to think about all this
- AUTHOR
You did stand your ground by not accepting his proposal of a polygamous family which is good. It is evident he wants it which will only create more problems in the relationship. By sleeping with your friend shows he does not respect you and you are blocking him from satisfying what he desires.
If you have tried to talk to him after he called quits but you feel he is not responding positively then you should cease any contact with him. During this period reflect whether you should move on with your life or try once to tell him you do love him but do not want a polygamous family. A month of no contact will help. After this period approach him. If he does not respond positively decide to move on. It is better to remain single than being in such a relationship.
My husband of 4 years broke up with me because i dont want polygamy,the problem is that i agreed at first but then we have tried dating 2 girls and it was hard and whenever i told him he would stop or brush it off for a month to say he doesnt need it he was only teasing...another reason i no longer want it is because he has cheated and also slept with my friend i dont he deserves more women but today he called it quits
- AUTHOR
You have to ponder why your ex is thinking you are cheating on him. Maybe it is how you talk with your or his male friends. Re-evaluate how you act or speak in various settings or situation and see whether they are the reasons your boyfriend thinks you are cheating on him; and try to work on changing such behaviors or atttitudes if they are not good.
Set a day and approach him. Tell him, not emotionally, that you are not unfaithful towards him. Do not plead or beg. Do not engage in war of words that what you are saying is the truth. State as a matter of fact. Let him know how much he is hurting you by stating what is not a fact - an action that you are not doing because you have committed yourself in the relationship. After the end of conversation do not try to justify any other time you are not faithful again. It is up to him to make his mind to believe or not.
my boyfriend thinks im cheating on him but im not he told my best friend that is going to break up with me what do i do
- AUTHOR
Some reasons that lead to break ups aren't usually justified because they are not reasonable as is in your case.
If you have tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't respond or offer a positive response there are two things left:
1) Compose a text about your relationship with him as you have indicated here and how you don't want to be apart from him and how much he means to you. Also let him know about his jealousy which is unfounded as you love him unconditionally. Additionally if you feel strong to say this why not tell him if it is jealousy that has led to him considering breaking up with you, it is not a mature manner of arriving at such a decision because it translates to mistrust. If he considers ending the relationship because of such a decision, you will not push on. You will accept the decision because there is nothing else you can try to convince him how much you love him or there is nothing between you and one of the boys and that he means a lot to you. It will be difficult to say it but there is nothing more you can do though it will hurt the more when you tell him so. Let him know it will hurt a lot when he makes his decision to dump you because of his jealousy.
2) If he does not respond or doesn't offer the required response, cease communication, that is, exercise no contact rule. It will give both of you time to consider various things about the relationship and the two of you. It will hurt a lot when you are not communicating with him. It is what he has asked of you. During the silence he might respond or not. You should exercise no contact rule for a minimum of 2 weeks. He might respond positively or break up with you during the silence period. But, the silence will afford you the opportunity to think about the relationship and come up with a decision of what to do next.
i have been with this person in 6 years now. he is my everything, I can't describe how close we are. I really mean it when I say I have found the one, and no-one will love me like he does. the problem is that I invited boys to my birthday party. he have not talked to me in 3 days all he says is that he just need time to think if we are going to break up. someone please tell me what to do, I seriously can't live without him. im writing this crying. I don't know what to do pleas help. I just can't handle this anymore. he is the one who im gonna marry. I didn't know that he is going to end this because of this stupid jealousy.
- AUTHOR
Samuel, in the age we are living financial instability is one of the major causes of relationship breakups and divorces. You have been in a relationship for long and it does hurt especially considering she ended the relationship because you're no longer financially stable.
A partner might be wasting his/her time in a relationship if one partner is not committed in the relationship or has no vision as regards to the relationship. For your lady to dump because of money issue, it is evident she didn't have true love for you. While financial stability is important in a relationship, just because now you're not doing well financially is the reason for her to end the relationship.
I was in the same boat. Those are years wasted considering also she doesn't know what she wants in life and in the relationship. You've to do without her. Possibly, you'll get one who will stick with you through thick and thin.
My ex just broke up with me last month(we have been in a long term relationship for 3 years 8 months).. she feels that we are not meant to be together and feels that our future will be difficult due to financial issue(a friend of mine loaned money from me for a period of time from last year, up till now havent do any repayment to me yet).. i tried to explain to her this can be fixed.. she even told me money can be earned back for the next few years.. she said it cant be fixed anymore.. she dont want to continue this relationship anymore, she is tired and wish to be alone.. she said we are not young anymore, im 32 years old while she is 28years old, she wish to stop wasting each other time.. she dont see herself being happy in the future if she hang on to this relationship.. she dont have feelings for me and this relationship anymore.. she said that she still wanna find what she want to have in her life.. commitment is not the only thing she want actually.. she wanted to explore things that she never explore before..
Once a girl I barely knew tried to "break up" with me and I laughed and told her we were never together to begin with! She started crying and wanted to know why I wouldn't fight for her. That made me laugh even harder and I had to tell her she needed to get over herself.
- AUTHOR
In order to move on you've to accept you did hurt her. After admitting to yourself you did hurt her, you need to forgive yourself for that act and ask her for forgiveness. Asking her to forgive you is not so as to reconcile but to have peace of mind, both for you and her.
You need to give her time to recollect herself as she's made clear she'll be ready the following year. Thus, reduce communication with her. Let your conversations, if it's impossible to avoid, be on a basic level.
Engage yourself in activities that will keep your mind off from thinking about her. It might be a good idea to unfriend her from your online social network.
Lastly, be grateful for being in a relationship with her. Appreciate her and try to improve your personality to become a better you.
I lost my girlfriend, before I ready this, I lost my temper, and took it out on her, after that she told me she just needed to focus on school this year, and next year she would be ready, now I've ruined my relationship with her, and now I'm done for, and I can't move on, it's to hard, I need help
- AUTHOR
Neils, it is a fact no one man or woman can romantically love two people equally. It is not the same as brotherly love. Between the two of you, she was loving one person more than the other. She said it was you but from your description, it is evident she loves the other man more than you. This is evident in the change of her attitude towards you. She feels you were the cause of the breakup between her and her boyfriend.
For now you need to take things slowly. What do I mean? She's having some feelings for him and you, and the fact is you cannot share a lady with another man. You need to take a break from the relationship. You're feeling pain resulting from the betrayal and the fact she's not yet over that man.
Let her know you need a break from the relationship. You need time away from the relationship to heal your wounded heart and settle your mind. You need time away from her to think clearly about the relationship without letting emotions dictate what to think.
when the pain has subsided you'll know whether to get back with her or not.
But, for someone to engage in another relationship with another person while she is still in a relationship with someone is lack of respect and shows that love is lacking. Blaming you for the breaking up with her other boyfriend evidenced by her changed attitude towards you is 'an insult to injury.' I would not want to continue in the relationship anymore.
Am in a relationship and both of us loves each other. I personally have never think of cheating on her but all the times, I kept telling her more about relationship and they way i want us to take it... I asked her if she have any side boo, she always told me no. Am the only one.
When i came to realized that this girl has been dating with another guy without my knowledge, told her that he will marry her but she said she is not ready for that and still he keeps on prestring her, the very day i know, it was actually sad for me because i have never expect such from her because i love her from my heart.
Now She's staying and still going out with both of us but she loves me the more, she later told me what was happening between her and the other guy and she promised to breakup him, after two days she told me she have brokenup with him but her attitude have change towards me. This is the lady i trusted and now am going through sadness, hurt, paining heartatche.. My decision right now is to quit, Please i need your advice..
- AUTHOR
I understand what you are going through Ali. I have been there. It's hard to articulate in words what you're going through.
The best you can do for now is to exercise no contact rule, that is, don't talk to her until you've healed. It's good you've deleted the social app. You should try not to think about her. Concentrate on your work and read articles that encourage you. Don't read articles on how to get her back because it will make things worse. If you like listening to songs, don't listen to sad songs.
When you no longer feel the pain and the thoughts of her no longer run in your mind, you'll which direction to head to. Cool things down and time will tell which ultimate decision will take as regards to your girlfriend.
I dont know what to write because everything i did in reaction is in sheer contradiction with what you have suggested in this article.
Two months have been passed and im still bowing to her and trying to convince her to stay with me. Even yesterday, i tried alot to talk but no response from her side, although she was online. Then i deleted the social app on which i used to talk to her frequently and sat back, had some weed and slept. Im in abroad and i dont know what to do in such situation. Idont know what has happened to me, she is all over my nerves and heart and i really miss her every where. right now im at job but still trying to console myself with her thoughts and different articles. But now after reading your article, i have decided that i wont try to talk no matter how worse my situation is. I wish i could hold these decisions for longer time as i have made same decision hundreds of times in past two months, and failed badly.
I think my talk here doesnt make any sense at all and im failing miserably to convey what i really want to speak but i dont know, i cant explain whats happening with me
- AUTHOR
I am sorry to hear about that Rafael. For now it will be better if you don't contact her because it will aggravate matters. Wait until the matter has cooled down.
This is such a great advice here. I wish I had read this two weeks ago, before responding to her breakup message. I did not reply in anger, I wanted to take the pressure off of her by expressing my understanding and that I am more the oldschool face-to-face type in these situations. And that oldschool comment caused her to get totally mad at me, as her intention was to let me know in advance should we see each other again. That comment from my side ruined it completely, as I (unintentionally) attacked her way of communicating the breakup. In her first breakup message she suggested if we could reduce it all a bit (.e.g. no intimacy and stuff), but after my response she was so hurt about my reaction in what was her last message, explaining that she just had good intentions in letting me know before we see each other again, she did not want to slap the news right across my face.
Now I haven't heard from her since 10 days and I fear I won't ever see her again. I feel shattered, we were dating for 2 months and we had such a great connection and now it is all gone. I so much wish I had replied authentically, by expressing my sadness about her message, that I had such a great time with her, respect her decision and wish her all the best. Just like it is suggested above.
- AUTHOR
You're welcomed Francis
this is all that I needed Thank you very much
- AUTHOR
Thank you Annie Roberts
This is beautifully done. I love the layout!
I love you right now! I am very grateful to you for knowing exactly what I need to read right now.
These are amazing:
You have so much to give. You're an awesome girl and your ex doesn't deserve any more of your time.
And: You should know that you deserve wonderful relationships full of love, and that you are capable of achieving them.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- AUTHOR
You are welcome Cathy
thanks for the advice its so helpful for me
- AUTHOR
You are right Sajid. If someone breaks up with us it means that person was never meant to be our permanent partner.
very lucrative. if someone is breaking up with us, it mean someone better is send from God for us.
- AUTHOR
At Alex, "Even if he says sorry nothings gonna change...." Don't allow it again if it keeps on repeating itself. It is a good decision you've undertaken to bring it to a stop. Don't allow to be treated like a doormat.
- AUTHOR
It is true, Jim, to love someone who doesn't love you is gut wrenching. It is painful, as I have felt it when my ex-girlfriend told a friend of mine she never loved me. She said it was her friend who forced her to love me - mind me, she did in fact love me. However, the pain never lasts if you'll take positive steps to ensure you heal from the breakup.
- AUTHOR
My sympathy, Joanna. It is good to know you've accepted the situation you're in though it's painful what you're going through. I was in the same boat but as days go by the pain will ease. It will not last forever. You are right, "It's worth the pain," and "I'm grateful for everything." Such are positive attitudes.
i love him. and it kills me to the inside. but its over. but im still grateful for everything. even with this pain.i know its going to end badly. but its worth the pain. so thank you
am going through a breakup at the age of 50 and it has shattered me. To love someone who doesn't love you back is gut wrenching.... I do know that i will be ok.
Even if he says sorry nothings gonna change..........
- AUTHOR
You are welcome Max
thank you for this
- AUTHOR
Thank you Alison Monroe for your comment
This is actually amazingly good advice.
- AUTHOR
I agree with you dashingscorpio. It is not good to be platonic friends due to the reasons you gave plus it will hinder the healing processing and eventual recovery.
Great advice!
It takes two people to make a relationship work.
It only takes (one person) to end a relationship.
There is no reason to pursue someone who doesn't want you.
I would also add "DO NOT TRY TO BE INSTANT PLATONIC FRIENDS!"
The person breaking up with you offers to be friends because they don't want to feel like the "bad guy".
The person being dumped hopes that by being friends there may be a chance they can get back together.
Odds are if they do hookup it will be nothing more than a "booty call" or "friends with benefits" scenario in the eyes of the person who ended the relationship. Your ex is the last person who can help you get over them!
You're better off going "cold turkey" and not dealing with your ex at all for at least a year or more depending on how long the relationship lasted.
In order for your (ex) to be "the one" they would have had to see (you) as being "the one"! At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa).
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
If someone dumps you they clearly don't think you're all that "special",
Thankfully we live on a planet with over 7 Billion other people!
Odds are in everyone's favor that there are hundreds, thousands, or possibly millions of people who would love and appreciate us.
Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you.
Every ending is a new beginning!
70