How to Respond Maturely When Someone Breaks Up With You

Updated on June 18, 2019
Ben716 profile image

This is my purpose in life: to better myself through knowledge and help others do the same. I hope you enjoy my writing.

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Your (now ex) boyfriend just told you that it's over. Your relationship is ending. You're reeling. You feel hurt, angry, and confused. Maybe you saw it coming or maybe it's out of the blue. No matter what your situation is, it's definitely true that it sucks.

Soon you'll be alone and have some time to think things through, but right now, all you need to know is how to get through the next ten minutes.

How to Act When Someone Breaks Up With You

  1. Tell yourself you'll be OK.

    No matter what you feel like right now (and no matter what you actually believe), tell yourself that you're OK, that you're going to live through this, and that this isn't the end of the world. You can do it like a mantra in your head: "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK." It's OK to lie to yourself right now.

  2. Breathe.

    Make sure you keep breathing. Focus on the air coming in and out of your nose. You could even count your breaths—keep them deep and even. This will help you stay calm.

  3. Respect their decision.

    Don't beg or plead for them to take you back or to change their mind. The more you beg, the worse you look, and the less likely you'll be able to salvage any kind of friendship.

  4. Don't say too much.

    In the heat of the moment, you're likely to say something that you will later regret. Keep your words to a minimum.

  5. Don't try to force them to stay with you.

    First of all, it won't work. Second of all, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Trying to get them to stay in the relationship, or even just to stay with you physically in the same room will only make you look desperate and it will make them want to leave even more.

  6. Keep physical boundaries.

    Don't try to get sexy with them (bad idea!) and don't let them get sexy with you. Kissing isn't going to make them change their mind, even if it might distract you both from what's happening for a little bit.

  7. Don't interrupt them.

    Let them say everything they want to say. After they're finished talking, ask them if there's anything else they'd like to mention. This shows that you are mature enough to let them have the floor.

  8. If you want to, respond carefully.

    If you need to, take a few moments to gather your thoughts to respond to what they've said. Remember that you cannot change their mind about the breakup, so in your response, simply try to give your point of view without blaming or insulting them. Keep it as positive and as short as possible. Another option is to say that you'd like to give your point of view but that you're feeling too overwhelmed to do it right now. Ask them if they'd be okay with having a conversation in a couple of days.

  9. Keep your cool.

    Don't get angry or defensive. If you feel like you're getting too emotional to where you can't think straight or you just want to scream at them, ask if you can continue the conversation later. Think about being the kind of person that they'll regret leaving — some crying is normal, but if you're yelling or screaming at them, or insulting them, it's unlikely that will make you look very good.
  10. Be grateful (if possible.)

    Right now, you're probably really hurt and angry so it may be hard to try to dig out a silver lining. If you can, though, try to thank them for the good times that you had together.

  11. Say goodbye.

    Hug them and say farewell. Then, once they leave and you get home, you can collapse on your bed and start bawling.

  12. Forgive.

    Eventually, find forgiveness for them in your heart. It's hard and it may even seem impossible right now, but holding a grudge against them will only hurt you in the end and keep you from having positive dating experiences.

14 Things to Say When Someone Breaks Up With You

  1. This makes me really sad, but I respect your decision.
  2. I'm grateful for everything that we had together and I wish you all the best.
  3. I know we had problems and I thought we were working on them. I still think we could have a good future together, but I understand you don't see things the same way.
  4. I'd be lying if I said I was totally okay with this. I think you're awesome. I want you to have a happy life. I hope I can still be a part of it somehow, even if we aren't together.
  5. The truth is that I am sad now, but I'm going to be okay. I'm going to miss you.
  6. I'm just trying to keep it together right now. I didn't see this coming and—if I'm being honest—it really hurts. But I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I really care about you and if being with me doesn't make you happy, then I agree that we shouldn't be together.
  7. We experienced so much together, and I'm grateful for what we had. I still care about you a lot and it will make me sad to see you go.
  8. You're going to have to give me some time to think about this. Do you think we could talk in a couple of days?
  9. This hurts so much. I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad. I'm just trying to be honest. I wish this weren't happening, but I accept that you have a different vision of the future.
  10. I wish I were a part of your future, but I can't make you change your mind. I think it will be best if we don't talk to each other for a while, so before that happens, I just want to tell you one last time that I do love you and I want only the best things for your life.
  11. I don't completely understand why, but I understand that you don't want to be together anymore, and that makes me really sad. I know I'm going to be okay but it hurts a lot right now.
  12. I still care about you and I'm going to miss you.
  13. I don't hate you, but right now I do feel hurt and angry. I hope you understand that I need some time alone. I hope that we can still be friends later on, but right now I don't know.
  14. I didn't think that this would be happening. I wanted to stay together. But you don't feel the same way. I wish you all the best. Goodbye.

Breakups Suck, but You're Going to Be OK

Breakups hurt. Sometimes it's very difficult to know why your ex decided to end things. You may feel embarrassed, like you've lost your dignity. Or you might feel messed up, like your world is turned upside down. You might even be so confused that you feel useless. Now that your romantic relationship is over, what else is there?

People react differently during breakups. Generally the ones who get hit the hardest are those who are on the receiving end—especially when they didn't see it coming (and especially if it was a long-term relationship). That's not to say that people aren’t affected when they're the one that ends the relationship either. Especially if the relationship was very serious, usually the ones who break it off feel pretty bad about it too.

They definitely suck. But no matter what—you have a choice in how you respond to a breakup. Remember that you want to keep as much of your dignity as possible so you can hold your head high the next time you see your ex. You might be crumbling inside, but they don't have to know that.

It doesn't matter if you've gone through lots of breakups or if this is your first one—it's a good idea to be careful in your response. You'll only embarrass yourself if you act dramatically.

Also, if you have a meltdown during the breakup—no matter which side you are on—it'll take longer to heal, and there is almost no chance your ex will consider getting back together with you (if that is something that you want to do).

Here's some more detail on how you can best respond if someone is breaking up with you.

1. Pretend Like You're OK

Psychological studies have shown that acting like you're OK—doing things like smiling or staying calm—can actually help you feel better. Even though in the moment you may feel like you want to disappear, do your best to put on a brave face. At the very least, it will help you keep your dignity in front of the person who's dumping you.

2. Stay Calm. Breathe.

When we are in anxiety-producing situations, our body has the tendency to tense up. This may cause you to hold your breath, which makes you feel even more tense and emotional, and so on. Even though it may seem like you're going to lose control if you breathe, let it happen.

Focus on the feeling of breath coming in and out of your nose (a useful mindfulness technique), and taking deep breaths and counting them. This will help keep your feelings from spiraling out of control.

3. Respect Your Ex’s Decision

Accept and respect your ex's decision. Respecting the decision means you’ve heard what they've had to say and are not in denial about what is happening.

It is true that it hurts. You might cry and you will, in fact, feel hurt. What matters, however, is how you react. At first, you just need to listen and make sure your ex knows they have been heard.

4. Don't Talk Too Much

If you talk a lot, you might say things that you will regret later. Say only what you have to say, not everything that you want to say. You don't need to tell them everything that's on your mind or give them a piece of it.

You don't need to tell them how much you're hurting or if they're breaking your heart— they are no longer the person you tell everything. Don’t let them know how hurt you are. Let them see with their own eyes how strong you are by not allowing yourself to act irrationally or blab on about how much you're going to miss them.

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5. Don’t Try to Force Them to Stay

Remember that you can't force things. Don’t try to force someone to stay in the relationship when they don't want to. You should respect the decision that has already been made, regardless of whether or not you think it's justified.

You can't force someone to love you when they no longer do. If they do agree to start dating again, do you think they'll love you the same? Or do you think you will always be in doubt, thinking they are just in the relationship because you begged them to be.

6. Don't Try to Get Physical With Them (Kissing Won't Change Their Mind)

Getting physical with your ex might seem like a good idea in the moment, especially because you'll probably be feeling pretty emotional and those feelings might demand an outlet. But . . . don't do it! It's unlikely that being physical with your ex will seem like a good idea in hindsight.

7. Don't Interrupt or Argue With Them

Let your ex say everything they need to say. Listen to them and try not to interrupt, even if you're feeling angry or if you feel like what they're saying is wrong. Listening patiently will leave a good last impression (which is what you want to leave them with). You'll also be able to be proud of yourself for keeping it together and letting them have their say.

8. Give Your Point of View Thoughtfully, Without Blaming or Insulting Them

If you launch into an attack on them after they've finished talking, you'll just come off looking bad. If you choose to respond to what they say to you (which is something that you don't necessarily need to do), do so thoughtfully.

Be honest and talk about how you feel and what you think—avoid statements that blame your ex or insult them. Try talking about your relationship from a 3rd-person's point of view. This may help you put things into perspective, both for yourself and for them.

9. Don’t Plead

Even if you feel like their decision to end things was unjustified, you shouldn't beg for another chance as if your life depends it. The best you can do is tell them why you disagree as reasonably as possible.

In the end, if they don't change their mind, you need to accept that the relationship is over. Don’t plead. It makes you seem needy and desperate.

You will not die if they leave you. Your world will not come to an end even if you love them very very much.

People break up and move on with their lives every day—even people who have much more at stake. It may not seem like it now, but you're going to be fine. Besides, there are plenty of guys out there for you to meet.

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10. Be Grateful

Yes you heard correctly. Thank your ex for the time that you've had—even if the relationship is over for good and there is no hope of getting back together. Thank them for the good things that they offered and for the things that you learned with them.

This may feel impossible to do right away, and that's understandable. At some point, though, it will be best for you to figure out the things that you liked about your relationship. Remember that there was a reason you two were together in the first place. It didn't just happen randomly. Find and appreciate the good times.

Also, telling them that you're grateful for what you had makes you look really good. It shows that you have more in life to live for than the relationship, and that you're going to carry the good things forward with you as you move on.

11. Forgive Them

This might seem impossible at first and it might not happen right away. At some point, though, you'll need to forgive them. Holding onto a grudge — no matter how much you were wronged — only does you harm in the end.

Perhaps you've heard the comparison of how holding a grudge is like a person holding onto a hot coal in order to throw it at someone else. In the end, only the person holding onto the coal gets burned. Even though it may take time, you need to let your anger go. It will only harm you and will do nothing to them.

Why You Should Try to Keep Your Cool

When you respond positively to a breakup—as much as it hurts—it shows several things:

  1. You show that you're not in denial about what's happening. It will show your ex that you are also capable of moving on and that you don't need them to survive.
  2. Reacting well shows that you are able to handle yourself even if you are hurting. This shows maturity. Though there's nothing wrong with feeling sad (and in fact, you should take time to feel through the emotions of a breakup), behaving with dignity with your ex will help you feel stronger, and may even help you get over the breakup faster. It also makes you look good in front of them. The last thing you want is to come off looking pathetic.
  3. Even though you feel hurt, the breakup will end on a good note and you'll earn your ex's respect.
  4. You might surprise your ex. They'll wonder why you didn't react negatively, which is something many people expect. When you don't beg and plead for them back, you'll show them that you still have a life to live without them and that you're going to be fine.
  5. You will not regret your actions or feel ashamed because of what you did and you'll feel good about yourself.

Things to Remember During a Breakup

  1. Give yourself some time to think things through and time to sort out your thoughts regarding what happened. Maybe it was for your own good.
  2. Not all relationships are meant to survive forever. There are many people out there that will be a good fit for you.
  3. Things don't always go to plan. Hurt is inevitable. Sometimes there is nothing more that you could have done. Maybe you did everything you could have. Either way — the relationship is over now. Try not to spend too much time rehashing the past.
  4. If you live in denial or stay angry, you'll only make it harder for yourself to recover. You'll be letting your ex live on in your life when neither of you deserve that. Let them go.
  5. You probably know this already, but it doesn't hurt to repeat: do not contact your ex for at least two weeks. This gives you and your ex-boyfriend both some time to think and recover.

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How to Respond If They Broke Up With You Over Text

  1. Re-read the text message.

    Let's be honest—you're probably going to do that a bunch anyways. It's OK to read (and re-read, and re-read, and re-read). But whatever you do, don't respond just yet.

  2. Stay put.

    Don't respond to the text yet and stay off social media!!! Do not vent there. The chance you'll say something that you regret later is pretty high. Instead . . .

  3. Journal.

    Write down all of your feelings and what you'd want to say to your ex if you could tell them anything in a journal or a paper letter and do not send it to them. This is just for you to vent. Honestly it will help.

  4. Wait to respond.

    Wait 24 hours until you're feeling a little more level-headed. If you're still so mad you just want to text them "I HOPE YOU DIE," wait a little longer.

  5. Reach out.

    Contact friend or family member ASAP and tell them what happened. Texting or calling is good, but it's even better if you hang out with them in person.

  6. Respond carefully.

    When you're ready, and you choose to respond (which you do not have to), you can text them back. Here are some options for what you could say:

    "This makes me sad to hear. I wish we could have had this conversation in person. I am grateful for the times that we've shared and I wish you all the best."

    "I don't agree with the way you've decided to end things but I'm not going to try to change your mind. Goodbye."

    "This was really shocking for me to see. I know that breaking up is hard but I wish we could have done this in person. I think we could have had a good future, but I respect that you don't see things the same way. I wish you all the best."

    "Really sad about this—hope you have a good life."

  7. Be nice.

    Even if you're faking it, it is important that you are polite to them because it shows them that, unlike them, you are not a loser. You are a mature adult who can have hard conversations.

  8. Forgive them.

    Then, start the slow process of forgiving them and moving on with your life. You have so much to give. You're an awesome girl and your ex doesn't deserve any more of your time.

How to Move On After a Breakup

  1. Feel the feelings.

    Let yourself be sad, angry, hurt, shocked, heartbroken. Don't try to suppress the emotions. They need to be felt and appreciated. They are real, and what you had was real. Listen to sad breakup songs, watch sad breakup movies (avoid romances!!), and watch raindrops on window panes.

  2. Write it out.

    Journaling is a great tool for you to better understand how you feel. Make a commitment to journal every day even if you don't feel like it and even if you just end up writing their name over and over again. Another helpful tool is writing letters to them (that you don't end up sending). It's a way to trick your mind into getting closure.

  3. Remember the good times.

    Even though you might be hurting right now—and even if it's better that you're broken up—don't forget that there were good things about your relationship. Don't let yourself become bitter. It will only hurt you in the end.

  4. Let them go.

    Ceremonies can be powerful tools to help recover from heartbreak. You could do something like write their name on a piece of paper and then say all of the things that you loved about them, and all the things that you hated about them. Then, you could (carefully!) burn the paper, symbolizing releasing them from your life. Or you could make up your own ceremony.

  5. Give yourself space.

    Hide their pictures and mementos (or give them to a friend for safekeeping—sometimes they're nice to have later on and you'll regret destroying them). Unfriend, unfollow, and block them from social media. Do it. You do not need to know what's happening in their lives. Do not call them, text them, email them, "bump" into them, or otherwise try to contact them for as long as you need to (many people say 30 days). You don't have to just ghost either—you could tell them that you need some space from them for a while and that you'll reach out when you're ready (if you want to).

  6. Instead, reach out to friends and family.

    Hang out with your pals and with the people that love you. They want to support you and help you through this, especially right at the beginning. Let yourself lean on their shoulders.

  7. Take care of yourself.

    You've probably heard this a million times, but that's because it's true. Get enough sleep (8 hours every night!), eat good food (avoid chips, ice cream, candy—anything high carb or high fat), don't try to use alcohol or drugs to make yourself feel better (being sad and hungover is horrible), exercise (there are so many great workout videos on YouTube—try something gentle like yoga), and go outside! (walking is great). Even if you want to curl up and die, your body still needs you to take care of it. You might not feel like it, but just go through the motions at first and trust that eventually you will feel better. You could also try meditating—start with just one minute and try to work your way up to 10 minutes, adding one minute every day. This will help you learn how to sit with your emotions and tune into what your body is feeling.

  8. Make new memories.

    Invite your friends to do something new together. Go on a trip. Read a new book. Go to a concert. Try a new hobby or get back into an old one. Making new memories will help you get started on a new life without your ex. Also, try volunteering or doing something nice for a friend or family member—a great way to forget about how miserable you are is by helping others.

  9. Forgive your ex.

    In time, find a place in your heart to forgive your ex. Remember that, like you, they are just human and just trying to do the best they can. Whether or not you think they were in the right for breaking up with you, what has happened has happened, and the only thing you can do is appreciate what you had together and move forward into the future.

  10. Forgive yourself.

    Maybe you're mad at yourself for not seeing the breakup coming, for not trying hard enough, for hurting them, or for making the same relationship mistakes that you've made before. No matter what—you need to forgive yourself too. Take what you can from this past relationship and learn from it. Know that you are also imperfect and just trying to do your best. You should know that you deserve wonderful relationships full of love, and that you are capable of achieving them.

You Will Get Through This

As hard as breakups are and as much as they suck, you are going to make it through.

Good luck and stay strong.

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Questions & Answers

  • I was in a nine-month relationship, but we broke up. It is hard for me to move on with all of the memories of the relationship. What should I do?

    You should cease any communication with your ex if you're trying to make any contact with him. By not communicating with your ex, you'll allow the healing process to begin. As you continue to exercise No Contact Rule the images of your ex and the relationship will no longer bother you - they will fade away. You should engage in activities that will distract you from thinking about your ex but don't become too busy. I have written several articles on what a partner should do after a breakup so as to be able to move on. A breakup can incapacitate somebody making it hard for that person to move on or confused on what to do.

  • I was in an 8-year-long relationship but my boyfriend says he needs freedom and wants to talk with other girls. So what should I do?

    Time to pack and go i.e leave the relationship. It shows he doesn't respect you as his girlfriend. The fact he says he wants freedom indicates you are obstructing him from talking to other girls. He wants to flirt with girls however he wants while still in a relationship with you.

    Once a person commits in a relationship, there are some things he needs to stop doing. He is no longer single with no strings attached. But, the fact is that he considers you as a jail whereby he can't breathe or move.

    If your boyfriend lacks respect for who you are in his life, then why bother to continue in the relationship with him? Let him know you no longer want anything to do with him - the relationship is over. You should settle with a man who respects you and understands that some things or behaviors need to be done away once committed in a relationship.

    He might have been a nice guy and you've been in the relationship for long; but remember people change and they develop a different perspective pertaining to relationship.

    I hope you will find your feet and move on. Don't cling to the fact he is still the nice guy you knew.

  • My boyfriend broke up with me because I sent him a message saying he hurt me when he didn't call me on my birthday. He sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday and told me we would talk later but he didn't call. He broke up with me via text message because I sent him a text telling him how I felt. Was I wrong to do this?

    It is well-known that women feel hurt when their significant ones or husbands don't wish them a happy birthday. Were you wrong in letting him know how you felt when he didn't wish you a happy birthday? You weren't wrong. He should have apologized and wished you a happy birthday. However, out of anger after letting him know how you felt, he dumped you through a text. That is not a mature manner of solving such an issue in a relationship.

    In relationships, a partner may hurt his/her partner directly or indirectly. Thus, it is proper to let your partner know he hurt you by not doing something which means a lot to you.

  • I have been in a 20-year relationship. My boyfriend broke up with me through text that contained insulting or abusive words. How should I react and reply?

    From your description, it appears your boyfriend has ended the relationship because you have prioritized your family above him. However, he has gone to such an extreme in insulting you in such a manner considering you've been in the relationship for 20 years.

    Don't respond in anger nor use abusive words as a retaliation or to give him a piece of your mind. Let him know you've pondered on his text the reason you've taken time in responding. Let him know even though you're in a relationship, you can't ignore your family as they are part of your life as he is.

    I know you're hurting considering how long you've been together. However, for him to throw such insulting words at you shows he lacks respect for you. If you would like to get back with him or not, let him know you'll accept his proposal that you won't call or text him. It will be hard to restrain yourself from contacting him but in time you'll get used to it.

    Don't write a long text. Be brief. Tell him even though he has insulted you, you won't retaliate in anger or insult him. If he doesn't want to be with you it's alright. In time you'll find your foot though your enjoyed your time together. Wish him all the best and thank him for the things you shared together.

  • She just broke up with me. We have been through this process on and off - getting back together then breaking up. But this time it wasn't a mutual decision. I feel as if it came from nowhere but she still wants us to be friends like we were before, only this time I don't think I can do that anymore. What do I say to her?

    You have realized that if you allow yourselves to be platonic friends you'll end up in the same game, an on and off relationship game. Let her know it won't be a good idea to be platonic friends. If it happens so you'll be wasting each other time as the two of you would end up together then break up. Thus, you should stop communicating with each other. You should cease communication because it's evident you were never meant to be together. While friendship is a good thing - returning to the state of friendship before you began dating - it is different now. It will bring back the memories and it will be hard to move on. In the months to come, the feelings for each other will have died thus you'll become casual friends since that is what you are meant to be. But, if you become platonic friends you'll be hurting each other and wasting each other's time.

© 2016 Alianess Benny

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    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      3 days ago from Kenya

      I'm grateful to hear that, Dave.

    • profile image

      Davegusain 

      3 days ago

      Its really was so helpful for me☺

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      9 days ago from Kenya

      @Arrows, I sympathize with you. I have been in that road. I know how it feels.

      Your emotional state has been worsened by lack of a job. Losing the woman you love to another man and having no job makes life worthless to live.

      However, it doesn't need to be the case. You can get over the breakup. You shouldn't let it dictate your destiny. Not having a job is another problem. I can feel for you too pertaining to this. I don't have a job but am pressing on, knowing I will get one sooner. Keep on looking for a job, even on the Internet. Don't give up on finding a job.

      And, most importantly, don't give up on yourself.

      Recovering from the breakup can only happen when you allow the healing process to begin its cause. This entails accepting the fact that your lady is no longer yours - she's with another man. It's painful to admit it but it's the only way of emphasizing to the heart that it needs to forget her, and move on with life.

      Look back before you met her. You were living your life. Therefore, her not being in your life shouldn't be a sign it's the end of you. True, she wasted your time . You would have gotten married to another woman. But, it has happened. You can't rewind things back.

      You've to stop immersing yourself in sex and alcohol. You aren't dealing with the issue. You're just escaping from the pain. You've to face the pain however hurtful it is.

      It will take time to heal and recover. It might take between 6-12 months because of how long you've been together. But, persevere through determination to come out of the breakup in one piece.

      It took me six months to heal and recover from the first breakup because of the duration of the relationship and how strong I was emotionally bonded to her.

      Remind yourself that many people have recovered from their breakups, so can you. Remind yourself that a person can't decide how you should live your life, or end it.

      You see, you're allowing your ex to control your mind. By thinking about her, wishing, and hoping she'll return; you're letting her take control of your life.

      Delete her contacts. Block her from your social media accounts. Fight the urge to contact her.

      You'll have to find in your heart the need to forgive her. This will release the bitterness and hatred you have for her. And, don't pray God to bring her back. Pray to God to give you the strength to come out of the breakup in one piece. Pray to God to heal you, and allow His peace to reign in your life. Hold on to God, and you'll see His power working through you.

      I have undergone more than four breakups. I know how it feels. You can make it. You won't recover in a shorter time. Nonetheless, when you purpose to do something then you'll see its accomplishment. Be determined to heal and recover from the breakup.

      Don't contact her anymore. Work on finding a job. Don't look back or try thinking about the relationship. Don't jump in another relationship.

      I have written two articles that might also help you: What are the rules and benefits of no contact rule, and Steps to Healing and Recovery from a breakup.

      Let me know how you progress.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      9 days ago from Kenya

      @Ama, I had replies to your comment but noted today that my response wasn't published. I apologize for that error.

      Your ex ended the relationship because he didn't want to hurt you anymore. Instead of breaking up with you, he should have provided a room for both of you to discuss about it. And since the relationship is too young, it was easy for him to end it. I can understand his decision to do so but it wasn't an appropriate response to your concern.

      If you desire to have him back in your life, there is still a chance. I suspect you haven't communicated since the break-up. If that's the case, you can contact him and try to explain what you meant. The silent period will have served as a reflective moment for both of you.

      Looking on the other side of the coin, breaking up with you in such a short period raises several questions: Does he really love you? How could he have broken up with you that easily? Why didn't he try to understand what you meant? Thus, you need to reflect on the relationship, as short as it was, and decide whether you'd like to continue with it or not.

      Some breakups like yours are, at most, easy to mend. Also, considering that it was a very short relationship. However, breaking up in such a shorter term paints a picture if the relationship was ever meant to be. If a person really loves you, he can't break up with you in such a short period of time.

    • profile image

      Arows 

      9 days ago

      It's been 2 months now and I am still miserable no doubt. I can't move on. I have had tons of sex and all. Indulge in alcohol just to forget her, yet I relapse by calling her..the thought of her being with another man now and she couldn't have the guts to tell me rather she showed it in her actions, that thought of knowing her for so long and in the end, my value to her is nothing. She so de valued me...all of these thoughts are killing me inside ...i can't function well...am at the a point in my life that nothing makes sense....i mean losing her shouldn't be the worry but not having a good job too is messed up in my head. She quit me it was not a mutual break up, and now she is with another man and can't even tell me...her actions speaks well...how can I move on from a girl that emotionally cheated on me once, twice and now? What's my own problem? Everytime I reach her I end up getting hurt...she hardly calls me aside she wants something...why did we have know each other for this long? 2months and she is already happy and cool with the guy and I am here miserable and she knows and yet nothing! Nothing!!! Have tired no contact...i wish karma could take its course now ...she is ghosting me, making me feel very needy...what can I do to erase this girl out of my life Benny? I know my problem and I can't seem to work on it

      Sometimes I consider ending my life. nothing seem to make sense again...am tired!

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      3 weeks ago from Kenya

      @Anon, you've to let go. You've to stop contacting him. It appears rude and being inconsiderate, but it is the fact. The more you try to reach out to him, the more he gets irritated (annoyed). This is the reason why he is ignoring you.

      You did what he had told you to do, and I'm sure you'd explained about your past and that the past doesn't have anything to do with the present. The fact is that you can't make or force him to trust you again or to reconcile. He has to deal with it, and dealing with it will produce two outcomes: reunite with you or break up with you forever.

      You're only hurting yourself by trying hard to contact him. It's time to take a break from contacting him. It's hurting working in the same place with an ex. But you've to work on yourself. You need to allow yourself to heal from the breakup so that you can recover and move on. When possible, greet him. Don't talk about the two of you or the relationship. Don't think about him. If you're in the same team, talk about the task you're doing whenever possible.

      Don't push yourself hard. You'll be dealing a blow on your self-esteem.

    • profile image

      Ama 

      3 weeks ago

      I have been in a relationship for 3weeks and he ended the relationship recently today because he doesn’t understand me since I just asked him he wasn’t giving me much attention so there he said then let’s break up since he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings the more

    • profile image

      ANON 

      3 weeks ago

      I WORK WITH MY EX AND HAVE TO SEE HIM,

      IVE TRIED REACHING OUT BUT HE JUST IGNORES ME,

      I AM FINDING IT VERY HARD TO LET GO , THE RELATIONSHIP WASNT PERFECT AND HE HAD TRUST ISSUES WHICH HE FEELS I BROKE BY NOT TELLING HIM STUFF FROM MY PAST BUT FOR ME MY PAST IS MY PAST HE JUST CANT SEEM TO SEE THAT AND EVEN WHEN IVE DONE EVERYTHING HE ASKED ME TO DO , HE HAS STILL BROKEN UP AND STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME, I KNOW HE DID TRULY LOVE ME WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND THAT HE HAS HIS OWN ISSUES BUT I REALLY AM FINDING IT HARD AND I CONTACT HIM ALOT????

      WHAT ELSE CAN I DO ???

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      5 weeks ago from Kenya

      @Ope, you're welcome. Now, you know what next step to take - move on with your life.

      No Contact doesn't always guarantee a person that by exercising it, it will enable them to get their ex back.

      As you've noted, NC can reveal whether your ex is in another relationship or not. That's the power of NC rule.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      5 weeks ago from Kenya

      @Pari, it would be better to ask her to give you time, of not contacting each other, about two weeks at a minimal, so that you can gain the strength to stand up on your feet - heal and recover from the breakup.

      This is to arm you with the knowledge you're no longer in a relationship, but friends. What if being friends doesn't lead to a reunion.

      Sometimes, exes ask for friendship to: escape pain, are afraid of losing their their ex-partners, they know they'll miss their exes so much, to avoid their exes feeling the pain that has resulted in them ending a relatively, a chance to see and hear from their exes. This doesn't always mean they want to test waters to determine if they can reunite with their exes. Sometimes, it is for convenience.

    • profile image

      Pari 

      5 weeks ago

      My gf broke up but wants to be friends as of now and said maybe later we can be together

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      5 weeks ago from Kenya

      @Arrows, during the no contact, you noted that: she would check your WhatsApp status, she wiped you out from her WhatsApp contacts and she appears to be recovering fast.

      The last one is an indication that her feelings for you had begun dwindling a long time ago, maybe after the second breakup.

      Her checking your WhatsApp status signifies that she was trying to find out (curious) whether you had recovered from the breakup and moving on. Or, she just missed you and by reading your statuses she's comforted.

      Another concept to consider is that at times we phrase our prayers in the wrong manner. For instance, the prayer should have been, "God, is it your will for us to be together for life (married)?" Not, "Please, God restore our relationship," when it's not God's intention for both of you to be together.

      The duration of the relationship and the number of breakups is a good indicator the relationship will fail if both you get reunited once again. Her reason for ending the relationship - religious differences - might be true or o cover up to the main reason. You should look back to the times you argued, what might have caused previous breakups to know whether religious differences played a role in the breakup or not. In any case, if it's because of differences in religion, she would have brought up that issue years back.

      Many people forget that no contact is not always a guaranteed means of getting back an ex. It is to prepare a person to deal with a breakup in a positive manner. For the little time you exercised it, you noted several things which you wouldn't have of you hadn't employed it.

      My advice is that you shouldn't try to get her back because another breakup is bound to occur. You have to move on with your life. You don't want to waste the rest of your life in a relationship that is filled with uncertainty.

      My suggestion is to give yourself a month of not contacting her. After the period, contact her, not to plead for a reconciliation, but to wish her well.

      Read an article I wrote about no contact that clearly explains it: What are the rules & benefits of no contact rule?

      As much hurting as it is, and as much as you love her, you have to let go of her.

    • profile image

      Ope 

      5 weeks ago

      Thank you Ben! I posted about being in 10years serious relationship with her and her 3rd time now of cutting me off. Thanks your reply and I had been on no contact since last week Monday but on Saturday last week, I relapsed and I got to know she is in another relationship and its just a month plus she dumped me. I just noticed her coldness and mean attitude to me. I told her we are not enemies and she is treating me like one. We have known each other for this long. Anyways she kept saying she needs to concentrate and focus that she is trying to be in another relationship now and she prays it works out for her. All text was through WhatsApp as she lives 9hours away from me. Distance came to play cause of working on different state.

      I cried like a baby and why did I have to break my no contact since she wasn't checking on me..she wouldn't want me to know she is dating someone else as she never for once told me not yesterday. Every time I asked her, she says no she ain't. During my 6 days no contact, I guess turned things around...well it's all good...thanks Ben

    • profile image

      Arows 

      5 weeks ago

      Am still in confusion state and I just don't know what to do. I have sleepless night over this and lack of concentration. My girl broke up with me and this 3rd time, it feels real. She doesnt contact till I did and I realized and stopped that. I have been on 6 days no contact with her but I notices somethngs about her and I can't help but think she is moving on so fast. She does check my WhatsApp status and I suddenly discovered that she private her last seen to be only her contacts and then now she deleted my number on her WhatsApp today since I wasn't online for almost 24hours. I love her no doubt and her all her behavior makes me sad ..we did almost everything together we had plans on getting married and now all is gone. She threw her 11 years of waiting for me away like that..i thought no contact helps. I needed it and I was ok not until I called her and she didn't pick up. She is 10 hours away from me and out distance just started due to where she works..i have prayed and prayed no sign other than she is doing all her best to let go of me..i didn't do her wrong. All she claim to be is religion differences after 11years? Am surprised and I don't want to lose her yet am left with no option. Advice me please

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 months ago from Kenya

      @I'll be happy if someone kill me, don't kill yourself because your life is precious. Always remember there are many people who are going through what you underwent.

      I have gone through more than three breakups. The first one hit me hard but I was able to heal and recover from the breakup.

      Cry as much as you want. It's your body's way of dealing with the hurtful event that occurred to you.

      Stop listening to depressing songs. I used to listen to sad love songs but they didn't assist me in dealing with the situation. They only made me feel more sad.

      You should listen to uplifting and inspiring songs. Try to listen to songs that will cheer you.

      If you have a close friend, ask her to delete the messages for you if it's difficult to do so.

      You've to allow the healing process to begin so that you can recover from the breakup.

      Remind yourself:

      1. There are people who have undergone this and have recovered from their breakups. You can do it. You need to be determined.

      2. That this breakup isn't the last one. Maybe you were never meant to be in it. You'll find your true-permanent partner in future.

      3. That you should start taking care of yourself. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Stop blaming yourself by accepting if you were the cause of the breakup, you've repented of it, and won't repeat it.

      Have a friend you trust to remind you that life is not all lost. Someone who can remind you that you still have a hopeful future.

      I wrote an article: Steps to Healing & Recovering from a Breakup

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 months ago from Kenya

      @Benedicta, that is a 'poor' reason for his breaking up with you. It doesn't make sense why he wouldn't accept the half you were able to give him. He should have been grateful that you offered to give him the amount you were capable to.

      If he dumps you because of this situation, it would have been worse if you're married and had kids.

      It isn't acceptable at all.

    • profile image

      ☹ I'll be happy if someone kill me...  

      2 months ago

      My boyfriend broke up with me and i won't stop crying, listen at sad and depressing songs and i won't stop see the massages and the

    • profile image

      Benedicta 

      2 months ago

      My guy just broke up with me because he ask for money and I told him I can only give him half of it

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 months ago from Kenya

      Hi Avro,

      You can't become instant friends after breaking up. Both of you need time and space from each other so that you can heal and recover from the breakup.

      The problem with being immediate friends is that you'll feel pain everytime you talk or meet each other. This is because the 'wound' hasn't healed.

      Thus, you need to tell her that you shouldn't talk or meet each other for a month so that you can allow each other to heal from the breakup.

      After you've healed, you'll.be comfortable with being friends because you won't feel the pain. The pain will have subsided.

      Check this article for more information about not contacting each other: What are the rules and benefits of no contact rule after a breakup?

    • profile image

      Avro 

      2 months ago

      I was 2 years relationship, but she broke up. Cause, her family can't except it. She still want to good friendly relation. She say me,, "sorry" a lot. We have a physical relation, like kiss. She love me much and respec. Now, how i can do?

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      3 months ago from Kenya

      Hi Amy,

      Being in relationship for 6 years, it would be you've known each other a lot to settle down as a couple. But, it is worrying that he doesn't reply your texts. Maybe it's because you've been dating online for a long time.

      Telling you as a stranger that he has a girlfriend means two things. Either he is referring to you or another girl.

      When he doesn't respond to your texts means his feelings for you is dwindling or he has no feelings for you anymore. This is called silent treatment when he ignores your texts or doesn't respond to you. Sometimes, this silent treatment known as ghosting is an indication he doesn't want to be in a relationship but doesn't want to tell you.

      How can you know he still loves you or has feelings for you? I suggest you remain silent too for two weeks at a maximum. This is to know if he had feelings for you. It is difficult because your heart would be aching as a result of not hearing from you but it is the safest and the least hurtful way to know. I presume you are living thousand of kilometres or miles from him.

      If he doesn't respond within the two weeks, you will know he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. By that time, you can tell him because of him being quiet and not responding to your texts, you thought he didn't want to talk to your for various reasons. Therefore, you decided to give him time. But why have you not responded for two weeks? If you no longer want to be in relationship with me, please tell me instead of hurting me with your silence. Or tell me what you're thinking about our relationship.

      If he doesn't respond, you'll have to move on. If he tells you doesn't want to be on relationship, you still need to move on

      If he tells you to wait a few days, be prepared for positive or negative news.

      During this two weeks of silence, don't concentrate so much about him or the relationship. Do your things, and always tell yourself even if things don't go right, I will be strong. I will come out of this situation strong. I will have to heal and recover from the breakup and move on if it reaches that point.

    • profile image

      Amy 

      4 months ago

      hi there im Amy and i just got in a relashionship and me and my boyfriend are good but our relashionship is awkward when were not texting and it feels like an online relashionship but i dont want him to think that and i mean yes its kinda awkard because we have liked eachother for 6 years straight and now that our dreams have came true about you know us getting in a couple i dont know how to talk to him in person or try not to make him worry so much about me and i do love him but i... i think hes maybe cheating on me even tho he keeps on telling me he would never and everytime i text him goodnight he sees the message but dosent replie me back it nearly breaks my heart and then he just turns of his phone im really sure he does that because on the WhatsupApp it shows when ur online and when ur not i then got a plan and called him from one of my old phones he responded and i didnt say a word then i haunged up and he started texting me things on that phone number like who this and stuff so i acted like i was a stranger and i said im was sorry i got the wrong number and then he said its okay dont worry (he didnt know it was me texting him tho) i then asked him a few hours later by text and told him to tell me things about himself and we started to know eachother more and ofcourse all i told him were lies because i was pretending to be a stranger right? okay 2 days later we were still in contant and then me as a stranger i asked him out and do you know what he said... UM WELL IM ACTIALLY TAKEN I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND THEN HE SAID BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME I WILL

    • profile image

      Xavier Gavin 

      6 months ago

      You can't do anything to stop her from leaving if her mind's already made up. There may be issues with your communication style that result in you being unable to convey your emotions to your girlfriend. I've read in one article about Can You Stop Your Girlfriend From Leaving You? https://www.davidtianphd.com/relationships/how-to-... which I think it will give you an idea how to do it.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      7 months ago from Kenya

      @ Luke, from your brief description it's difficult to know why your ex-girlfriend is treating you in that manner. There are several questions you need to ask yourself to gauge why she is behaving like that towards you:

      1) When the two of you feel in love, how was her feelings towards you back then? Did she love you for who you are and not for what you had/have?

      2) Are there things about you (negative) that she used to complain about but you never worked in correcting such behaviors/attitudes?

      3) Your ex making fun of your best friend dying shows that there is something you did or always did that irritated her. Can you think of anything that makes her complain about you? Think about it. Why did she keep complaining about it?

      4) Telling you that you cannot have friends shows there is something about you that she didn't like. It might not be your disability because she loved you. This is evident in that the two of you had a relationship. It's something about you (behavior/attitude) or something you did/din't do that made her react in such a negative manner.

      5) Reflect on the relationship. Look at it on all sides and analyze your ex like you would a literary work. Don't look only on the good aspects of her. Also, look on other things especially before and during the first weeks of the relationship. How was it like? What about towards the end of the relationship?

      Since you were in a relationship since in high school, I don't think she hates you because of your disability. She would have refused to get in the relationship. It is something concerning you that makes her react negatively towards her.

      I suggest you wait 2-3 weeks then ask her politely why she broke up with you. There is a good chance she will reply why she broke up with you. If she did tell you, connect her reason and the reflection of the relationship (analyzing both her and you) and you'll find out why she broke up with you.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      7 months ago from Kenya

      Ask the question, Gianna. Don't worry how stupid it might look.

    • profile image

      gianna 

      8 months ago

      I have a stupid question, but are tough to look the best you’ve ever been, or really crap or something else the day after the breakup

    • profile image

      Luke 

      8 months ago

      I have a question, why does my girlfriend put me down and say that i cannot have friends? she tells me i don't love her when i do and she thinks that im putting her down and idk what to say everytime i try to say something and complment her she tells me no and then later on tells me i don't do anything she told me were gonna be together forever and i feel like she dont like me for who i am cause my disablity cause i met her in high school and when we gradwated she told me she wanted to be with me forever now she just tells me i cannot have friends she always looks threw my things i cant even she even made fun about my best friend dying and he was my best friend may i please get more talk to you please so i can help understand this if you can thanks

    • profile image

      Luke 

      8 months ago

      I am very comfuesd about this cause i have a disablity and i still dont understand why my girlfriend broke up with me i always know that i say bad words sometimes and tell her to chill and lsiten but it makes it worse she does not allow me to have frriends but i still love her but why does she hate me? this makes me really sad and i would like some help please to understand better thank you :)

    • profile image

      Kate 

      8 months ago

      Okay thank you so much

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      8 months ago from Kenya

      You did the right thing, Kate. It's understandable as you didn't want to escalate the matter. You prevented the breakup from worsening as is common in many breakups whereby the partners shout at each other, insult and so on which results in the partners being affected negatively (psychologically).

      However, I would suggest you respond by text after a week or two. This is because the silence will have a negative psychological effect on your ex. Just tell him you didn't respond immediately since you didn't want to escalate things. You've already accepted his decision and you wish him all the best.

    • profile image

      Kate 

      8 months ago

      My Boyfriend broke up with me And I simply gave him the silent treatment I avoided him and ignored him it wasn’t because I was upset or mad it was because I really just didn’t wanna start anything do you think I did the right thing?

    • profile image

      Gigi 

      10 months ago

      Me and a guy were talking for a few months and getting to know each other. However, every time I suggested we go out on a date he came up with excuses as to why he couldn't make it, etc. He stopped talking to me for a few days and replied to a message I sent with a breakup text. He told me he didn't want to "break my heart" and that he knew "we wanted different things," that I wanted a relationship and he didn't. He said he still wants to talk and meet with me and that he likes me. I'm so confused.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      14 months ago from Kenya

      It's evident your ex boyfriend came up with excuses why he no longer wants to be in the relationship with you. What he said about isn't true as you have said. The reasons were only excuses to get out of the truth. Also, there isn't any truth his love for you will always remain fresh.

      You have to forget him. You have to tell yourself over and over you are no longer on relationship with him. The relationship is dead thus you have to move on. Your heart needs to be retold every time the relationship failed thus it has to move on.

      Whenever you think about him, stop yourself from thinking. Don't entertain any thoughts about him or feel sorry for yourself because you're no longer in the relationship.

      Deleter his numbers from your phone, block or unfriend him from your social media accounts and tear/store away his pictures.

      Forgive him if you are still angry at him. Don't entertain the negative emotions - hatred, anger.

      Focus your mind and heart on your life and where you're heading. Don't think about the relationship anymore.

      It will take time to finally find the strength to move on but when you're determined and disciplined you want to move on, you will surely move on. Within 2-4 weeks, you should have recovered from the breakup. Let that be your aim, that you won't be remorseful, you won't feel sorry for yourself, you won't wish the relationship was still alive.

    • profile image

      .. 

      14 months ago

      hi.. my boyfriend brokeup with me two days ago, he said i take him for granted , i give no importance and i off my mood in small small things and he has to say sorry all the time . but the truth isnt that, i love him a lot and gave him importance and never took him for granted, he says he loves me but we arent compatible , he also says his love for me will remain fresh always. we were in relationship for 1.5 years. i begged him to stay but he didnt . what should i do, i cant move onn!

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      14 months ago from Kenya

      Your girlfriend is employing silent treatment. This is whereby she doesn't tell you if she has left you for another person. While I might be wrong, it might be she seeing another person as a form of revenge, to show is better off with the person she's seeing or her intentions might be true - she has left you for another person.

      One technique you might use is exercising no contact rule. Don't contact on whatever form an average of two weeks. While you meet in the class, let your conversation be greetings and discussion about an assignment if you happen to be in the same group.

      After two weeks, send her text and tell her that she's remained silent towards you for long. You have tried contacting her but she's been ignoring you. Is the relationship still active or has she opted out of it? What is the status of the relationship? Or you might tell her you love her but why has she remained silent towards you? Ask her to meet so you can discuss about the relationship. Either way she will respond.

      Don't push if she doesn't respond. Wait for a few days then tell her because she hasn't responded, you won't force her to tell you.

    • profile image

      Jeffrey Phillips 

      14 months ago

      I have this girlfriend and we are not good, I tried clearing things on WhatsApp buh she ignored me, we saw in school buh we did not talk and she is already following someone else. How do I know if she wants to break up with me?? And what do I ask her that will cause her to make her intentions known to me??

      Thank You.

    • Jay C OBrien profile image

      Jay C OBrien 

      14 months ago from Houston, TX USA

      Good article especially about Forgiveness. Learn you cannot control another person.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      15 months ago from Kenya

      There is nothing wrong in asking him that question though you shouldn't hold your hopes too high. Simply, he doesn't want to be or committed in a serious relationship and feels it's better to be alone than be in a serious relationship.

      You want to be in a serious relationship so that you can settle together and afterwards get married. Unless you want to be in an open relationship.

      Thus, it's proper to ask him that question. Does he mean he's broken up with you and everyone should part ways or does he want some time off?

    • profile image

      Jeanette 

      15 months ago

      My boyfriend broke up with me over email. At least I guess he broke up. He says he wants to be alone and not feel pressure of a serious relationship. Should I ask him if he just wants a break but then be together again?

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      15 months ago from Kenya

      No contact won't help in getting her back. She doesn't want to commit and she doesn't know what she wants.

      It's hard to get back someone who doesn't want to commit to a relationship until future. That's why she wants to be friends so that you can always be in contact. The fact she doesn't know what she wants also makes things worse.

      Your relationship has only spanned for two months. That's little time to have known each other well and to have developed emotional bonding. This also will make it hard for NC to assist you in getting her back.

      In any case, when you use no contact she might see you are ignoring her or you've seen it's better not to be friends.

      What I can advice is that you should treat each other as casual friends. Don't contact her always. Don't be platonic friends. Don't talk for each other for long. Maybe it will work out in your favour in the long run but don't keep your hopes to her. Gaze your eyes in other places. Time will tell.

    • profile image

      William 

      15 months ago

      My ex and I are both in college right now and we were dating for 2 months. She just broke up with me stating that she wasn't ready for commitment and she doesn't know what she wants. She said she wants to stay friends over the summer and see what happens after summer. I'm trying to play the NO Contact rule and hopefully see if we can get back together but is there even a chance of us getting back together? Even if we somehow keep connected over the summer.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      15 months ago from Kenya

      @Saikoumarron, the distance relationship won't work out if she's found another man. This is the disadvantage of distance relationship. One partner will get tired of it very quickly.

      You'll have to respect her decision unless you can convince her you'll be visiting her frequently.

      You can also talk with her how you can work out on this matter. If you're able to visit her, let her know and after how long you'll be visiting her. The fact you're far makes her wonder whether the relationship will ever develop to the point you're staying together.

    • profile image

      Saikoumarron 

      15 months ago

      I meet a girl on his holiday and we arr far way from each other lonh disnstan relationahip. We love each other we arr in relationahip for month but this days she send me massage that she need a break up first i ask why she said she dont tbibk she can continue this and i thank her and respect his decision she said but i love her and she say that she found someone at the festival she hangout with that guy what can i say to her please help me i lover very much thays wju i am over this comment

    • profile image

      Lamin 

      15 months ago

      I am in long disnstan relationahip for a month i meet a girl on his holiday we do write send pic ect we both have feeling for each other and we arr palning for our future ect. She send me a massage saying that she dont thibk she can maintain this long distance which i dont understand what can i say to her

      She say she need a break up

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      16 months ago from Kenya

      @Carol, that is not a healthy relationship. Every time he breaks up with you because he's mad at you then reconcile when his anger has subsided, in the long run you'll be affected negatively.

      You might develop depression and low self-esteem. Whenever he breaks up with you, you get hurt. You haven't healed enough to return to the same relationship when again he dumps you. You will ignore the heart being optimistic things will be different but what you might not know, your heart is 'bleeding' because of the continuous heart resulting from frequent breakup.

      Since this is a cycle, you have to stop it. Again, he is cheating on you. It's something you've noted. He has to know your heart isn't a toy to be played with it.

      You'll have to let him know you need your own space to think things through. You need your own space, not in a relationship with him, to make sense of the relationship and to let the healing process take its course. You have to heal before you engage in a relationship for your own healthy benefits.

      I'm not sure if you're the one who has to move out or him. But, one of you has to do that. In this instance, I'm not sure which is which but you'll know which steps to take.

      Someone cannot dump you because he's mad at you then get back because he's no longer mad at you or possible has suppressed his anger. Think how it will be when you get married and have children. It will be a disaster. He has to manager his anger and has to differentiate who you are in his life - not a toy.

    • profile image

      Caro 

      16 months ago

      My boyfriend and i have been dating for two and a half years...He broke up with me just because i got to know that he sneaked out food to a girl in the same apartment in the night while i was in the house...when i found out about that, i argued with him about it...He claims that the girl is her friend whereas the doesn't even say hi to me,knowing that am dating him..After he broke up with me,he now wants us to be together again...he always breaks up with me whenever he feels angry at me

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      16 months ago from Kenya

      Thank you, Victoria

    • profile image

      Victoria 

      16 months ago

      Nice

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      16 months ago from Kenya

      @IB, I agree with you. It's possible for an individual to win back his/her ex as long as one acts maturely.

      Even if an individual won't win back his/her ex, acting maturely will help a lot in dealing with the breakup and when engaging in another relationship.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      16 months ago from Kenya

      Hi Sophy. Yah, you will have to take one day at a time. You will have moments when you'll think a lot of him, moments when you'll wish and moments when you'll be unsure of anything.

      But, if you take one day at a time as you've noted you'll fair on well. You'll have to work out on concentrating on yourself and taking the necessary steps to heal and recover from the relationship.

      It's sad the relationship ended up because of misconception on the part of your ex.

    • profile image

      Sophy 

      16 months ago

      My boyfriend n I have been dating for over three years now. The last time we saw each I was visiting him at his place and then one thing lead another like nomarl relationship while we were busy I told him to get off me cos I was feeling pain since we were both drunk . Then boom in the morning he told I was acting like someone who is cheating jst because of that moment. He left the house without saying anything and then I sent him a text asking him Y he left without saying anything then his response was " you are a cheat n I'm done, for real" I was left speechless I packed my bags n told him I was ready to leave. He asked if I want to leave n then I told him wats the point of staying if he was done with me. Then later he came with a friend called me a cab then I left. Dat was da end we haven't spoke since that day. I'm still struggling to get over it Bt I'm taking it one day at a time. We've been through alot together dats Y it is so hard for me to accept

    • profile image

      IB 

      16 months ago

      My ex texted me i dont want you to text me nowadays, and i replied why and she just said she doesnt like it, so after a few munites she texed and said may i tell you something, i said ok and she said can we end this relationship, i asked why and she said no reason, i started to nag so she could tel me the reason and she keep saying no reason, so after i texted again she ignored my textes, i called she didnt pick, so i texted and say we didnt met by mistake and it shouldnt end like this but she still ignored me, after 10mins i reasoned and text her dearest i respect your decision and i agree tp the break up, and i thanked her for the memories, so after a 20mins i saw a missed called from her and a text, so i replied by saying is there anything left to say and she said no but asked me if am angry and i said no, so she started to explain to me why she asked for break up, so i told her let's meet up the next day and we did and she expressed herself, and claimed that it was a joke, i know she lied but didnt want to upset me, actually all i want to conclude with is that you can win back your partner in a break up by just been mature, maturuty entails alot.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      16 months ago from Kenya

      @Francis, you have to move on and forget about your ex. She had promised not to cheat on you but went ahead when her friend suggested another man and she didn't mind not telling her friend she's you as her boyfriend.

      Forget about how. Stop any communication with her and move on. She doesn't mind you're her boyfriend thus it shows if you were still in the relationship and she got a good man, she would have dumped you.

      I have written an article in how to heal and recover from a breakup. You might want to read it.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      16 months ago from Kenya

      @Sally, you should not allow to be friends. You cannot move from instant lovers to instant friends. As long as you remain friends, you will always be thinking about the relationship and your boyfriends and wishing/dreaming/fantasizing you were still in the relationship. You should be casual friends but not for the time being. Until you've healed, recovered and moved on that's when you can become friends but not close friends.

      Cease any communication if you're still communicating. Don't plead for a reunion. Take your time to sort out your thoughts, to reflect on the relationship, to initiate the healing process and to gain the peace of mind and strength to move on. After two weeks or a month of not communicating with him, wish him all the best and tell him you can't be friends for now. It will have to wait till you move on.

      Don't plead with him for a reunion. Do check an article I wrote on how to heal and recover from a breakup.

    • profile image

      Sally 

      16 months ago

      My boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with me over the phone. Ive never had someone do this to me and dont know how to take it. He said he wanted to be friends

    • profile image

      francis 

      16 months ago

      My girlfriend cheated on me with someone and she promised she won't again but she has a friend who has influence on her and has pushed to date someone else since my Girlfriend never told her friend she had a boyfriend.. I refused answering her calls and texted her I know about what she is planning to do. After few days I felt bad and wanted to apologies so I asked her if she had moved on and she said yes ... now am very hurting and heart broken because I really deeply love her.. what do I do now

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      17 months ago from Kenya

      Hi Lauren. It will hurt a lot when you work at the same place but live separately. If you've tried but she still insists on separation, you will have to respect her decision. Consider this, she wants a separation but you insist till she accepts. Do you think the relationship will remain vibrant or lively?

      The relationship will be filled with newer problems and constant fights because of the reason that led to her decision on separation.

      You will have to accept her decision. I believe it will work for good for the two of you. You will need it as much as her. You will still meet at work place. However, you should begin treating her as a friend not a lover. Only greetings and talking matters related to work. It will be hard meeting constantly with someone you love but is not in your arms. Maybe, during the separation something good may come out of it - reunite or move on with your life. The separation will afford you time to reflect a lot of things about the relationship. No contacting her in anyway unless when greeting or talking about work assignment.

    • profile image

      Lauren 

      17 months ago

      i have been in 2years relationship we are living together, she go to vacation when she came back after 28 days she change a lot like i dont know whats happened and what is the reason why she want a separation. its very hard for me because until now we are living in a same room same work still together but there's a lot of changes. what should i do?

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      18 months ago from Kenya

      There are various things you can do instead of relying on sleeping pills and wine.

      Always reaffirm to yourself the relationship is over, you need to work out on how to get over it. Next time you feel like taking pills or drink wine, ask yourself why you're depending on these which aren't making the situation better. When you feel the need to use them to comfort or relieve yourself, resolve not to take the pills or drink wine.

      Don't try to contact your ex or converse with him in any form. Connect with your family and friends by spending time with them. Whenever an image of your ex pops up in your mind, snap out of it.

      Do the things you love doing and promise yourself you will not destroy yourself because you have a life to live.

      PS: I have written several articles on how to heal and recover from a relationship, things you should and should not do after a breakup.

    • profile image

      Katelyn 

      18 months ago

      I can't cope with the pain of my break up. Can't eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can't sleep without the sleeping pills or wine. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

    • profile image

      Kitkat 

      19 months ago

      Wat should i do if he just says he doesnt feel the same, then says we can just be friends, but ignores me imedietly after? we broke up a few months ago and m deleting some fles and found our pictures, im crying lol right now. And he hasnt talked to me since our breakup, even told me how weird i am in one point when i was with my friends. He doesnt talk to me andwhenever i arrive to my friends and hes there, he just stops talking or just leaves. Im hurt! and crying, and i dont know wat to do!

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      19 months ago from Kenya

      It is so sad he blames you for everything when the fact is a relationship is not one-sided. You have described how the relationship is like and how he blames you for things which aren't true. You have committed into the relationship and have gone as far as to provide economically.

      At this time you need to settle your mind, let peace reign in your heart and mind. You are hurting and the one you thought was your husband is now saying bad about you. I recommend you cease communicating with him. Do not contact him in any form so as to allow the healing process to begin and find the strength to move on. By not contacting him you will be able to reflect on the relationship clearly and it will help you to heal and recover from the breakup.

      It is time to move on with your life. That would be my advice. You will find a better man whom you will work out in a relationship because no one is perfect.

      NB: I have an arricle about No Contact rule.

    • profile image

      Help 

      19 months ago

      My bf broke up with me and told he he was no longer happy and he wanted freedom. We have both made mistakes in the past and we have been working towards a better us but now he blames me for everything, he tells me I’m insecure that I should love myself that I don’t let him breat, which are all lies I let him have his space and hang out with friends all the time. He is currently in law school and give him as much time and space to study. I honestly thought he was going to be my husband. I helped him economically with everything and I feel like now since he is getting a loan he wants to put me on the side leave and have his fun. While breaking up with me he said horrible things about my self esteem and how everything was my fault and I needed to change.

      Idk what to think about all this

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      19 months ago from Kenya

      You did stand your ground by not accepting his proposal of a polygamous family which is good. It is evident he wants it which will only create more problems in the relationship. By sleeping with your friend shows he does not respect you and you are blocking him from satisfying what he desires.

      If you have tried to talk to him after he called quits but you feel he is not responding positively then you should cease any contact with him. During this period reflect whether you should move on with your life or try once to tell him you do love him but do not want a polygamous family. A month of no contact will help. After this period approach him. If he does not respond positively decide to move on. It is better to remain single than being in such a relationship.

    • profile image

      Boe 

      19 months ago

      My husband of 4 years broke up with me because i dont want polygamy,the problem is that i agreed at first but then we have tried dating 2 girls and it was hard and whenever i told him he would stop or brush it off for a month to say he doesnt need it he was only teasing...another reason i no longer want it is because he has cheated and also slept with my friend i dont he deserves more women but today he called it quits

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      19 months ago from Kenya

      You have to ponder why your ex is thinking you are cheating on him. Maybe it is how you talk with your or his male friends. Re-evaluate how you act or speak in various settings or situation and see whether they are the reasons your boyfriend thinks you are cheating on him; and try to work on changing such behaviors or atttitudes if they are not good.

      Set a day and approach him. Tell him, not emotionally, that you are not unfaithful towards him. Do not plead or beg. Do not engage in war of words that what you are saying is the truth. State as a matter of fact. Let him know how much he is hurting you by stating what is not a fact - an action that you are not doing because you have committed yourself in the relationship. After the end of conversation do not try to justify any other time you are not faithful again. It is up to him to make his mind to believe or not.

    • profile image

      maliyah 

      19 months ago

      my boyfriend thinks im cheating on him but im not he told my best friend that is going to break up with me what do i do

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      20 months ago from Kenya

      Some reasons that lead to break ups aren't usually justified because they are not reasonable as is in your case.

      If you have tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't respond or offer a positive response there are two things left:

      1) Compose a text about your relationship with him as you have indicated here and how you don't want to be apart from him and how much he means to you. Also let him know about his jealousy which is unfounded as you love him unconditionally. Additionally if you feel strong to say this why not tell him if it is jealousy that has led to him considering breaking up with you, it is not a mature manner of arriving at such a decision because it translates to mistrust. If he considers ending the relationship because of such a decision, you will not push on. You will accept the decision because there is nothing else you can try to convince him how much you love him or there is nothing between you and one of the boys and that he means a lot to you. It will be difficult to say it but there is nothing more you can do though it will hurt the more when you tell him so. Let him know it will hurt a lot when he makes his decision to dump you because of his jealousy.

      2) If he does not respond or doesn't offer the required response, cease communication, that is, exercise no contact rule. It will give both of you time to consider various things about the relationship and the two of you. It will hurt a lot when you are not communicating with him. It is what he has asked of you. During the silence he might respond or not. You should exercise no contact rule for a minimum of 2 weeks. He might respond positively or break up with you during the silence period. But, the silence will afford you the opportunity to think about the relationship and come up with a decision of what to do next.

    • profile image

      Help 

      20 months ago

      i have been with this person in 6 years now. he is my everything, I can't describe how close we are. I really mean it when I say I have found the one, and no-one will love me like he does. the problem is that I invited boys to my birthday party. he have not talked to me in 3 days all he says is that he just need time to think if we are going to break up. someone please tell me what to do, I seriously can't live without him. im writing this crying. I don't know what to do pleas help. I just can't handle this anymore. he is the one who im gonna marry. I didn't know that he is going to end this because of this stupid jealousy.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      20 months ago from Kenya

      Samuel, in the age we are living financial instability is one of the major causes of relationship breakups and divorces. You have been in a relationship for long and it does hurt especially considering she ended the relationship because you're no longer financially stable.

      A partner might be wasting his/her time in a relationship if one partner is not committed in the relationship or has no vision as regards to the relationship. For your lady to dump because of money issue, it is evident she didn't have true love for you. While financial stability is important in a relationship, just because now you're not doing well financially is the reason for her to end the relationship.

      I was in the same boat. Those are years wasted considering also she doesn't know what she wants in life and in the relationship. You've to do without her. Possibly, you'll get one who will stick with you through thick and thin.

    • profile image

      Samuel How 

      20 months ago

      My ex just broke up with me last month(we have been in a long term relationship for 3 years 8 months).. she feels that we are not meant to be together and feels that our future will be difficult due to financial issue(a friend of mine loaned money from me for a period of time from last year, up till now havent do any repayment to me yet).. i tried to explain to her this can be fixed.. she even told me money can be earned back for the next few years.. she said it cant be fixed anymore.. she dont want to continue this relationship anymore, she is tired and wish to be alone.. she said we are not young anymore, im 32 years old while she is 28years old, she wish to stop wasting each other time.. she dont see herself being happy in the future if she hang on to this relationship.. she dont have feelings for me and this relationship anymore.. she said that she still wanna find what she want to have in her life.. commitment is not the only thing she want actually.. she wanted to explore things that she never explore before..

    • profile image

      John 

      21 months ago

      Once a girl I barely knew tried to "break up" with me and I laughed and told her we were never together to begin with! She started crying and wanted to know why I wouldn't fight for her. That made me laugh even harder and I had to tell her she needed to get over herself.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      21 months ago from Kenya

      In order to move on you've to accept you did hurt her. After admitting to yourself you did hurt her, you need to forgive yourself for that act and ask her for forgiveness. Asking her to forgive you is not so as to reconcile but to have peace of mind, both for you and her.

      You need to give her time to recollect herself as she's made clear she'll be ready the following year. Thus, reduce communication with her. Let your conversations, if it's impossible to avoid, be on a basic level.

      Engage yourself in activities that will keep your mind off from thinking about her. It might be a good idea to unfriend her from your online social network.

      Lastly, be grateful for being in a relationship with her. Appreciate her and try to improve your personality to become a better you.

    • profile image

      Ben 

      21 months ago

      I lost my girlfriend, before I ready this, I lost my temper, and took it out on her, after that she told me she just needed to focus on school this year, and next year she would be ready, now I've ruined my relationship with her, and now I'm done for, and I can't move on, it's to hard, I need help

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      21 months ago from Kenya

      Neils, it is a fact no one man or woman can romantically love two people equally. It is not the same as brotherly love. Between the two of you, she was loving one person more than the other. She said it was you but from your description, it is evident she loves the other man more than you. This is evident in the change of her attitude towards you. She feels you were the cause of the breakup between her and her boyfriend.

      For now you need to take things slowly. What do I mean? She's having some feelings for him and you, and the fact is you cannot share a lady with another man. You need to take a break from the relationship. You're feeling pain resulting from the betrayal and the fact she's not yet over that man.

      Let her know you need a break from the relationship. You need time away from the relationship to heal your wounded heart and settle your mind. You need time away from her to think clearly about the relationship without letting emotions dictate what to think.

      when the pain has subsided you'll know whether to get back with her or not.

      But, for someone to engage in another relationship with another person while she is still in a relationship with someone is lack of respect and shows that love is lacking. Blaming you for the breaking up with her other boyfriend evidenced by her changed attitude towards you is 'an insult to injury.' I would not want to continue in the relationship anymore.

    • profile image

      Neils Henry 

      21 months ago

      Am in a relationship and both of us loves each other. I personally have never think of cheating on her but all the times, I kept telling her more about relationship and they way i want us to take it... I asked her if she have any side boo, she always told me no. Am the only one.

      When i came to realized that this girl has been dating with another guy without my knowledge, told her that he will marry her but she said she is not ready for that and still he keeps on prestring her, the very day i know, it was actually sad for me because i have never expect such from her because i love her from my heart.

      Now She's staying and still going out with both of us but she loves me the more, she later told me what was happening between her and the other guy and she promised to breakup him, after two days she told me she have brokenup with him but her attitude have change towards me. This is the lady i trusted and now am going through sadness, hurt, paining heartatche.. My decision right now is to quit, Please i need your advice..

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      22 months ago from Kenya

      I understand what you are going through Ali. I have been there. It's hard to articulate in words what you're going through.

      The best you can do for now is to exercise no contact rule, that is, don't talk to her until you've healed. It's good you've deleted the social app. You should try not to think about her. Concentrate on your work and read articles that encourage you. Don't read articles on how to get her back because it will make things worse. If you like listening to songs, don't listen to sad songs.

      When you no longer feel the pain and the thoughts of her no longer run in your mind, you'll which direction to head to. Cool things down and time will tell which ultimate decision will take as regards to your girlfriend.

    • profile image

      F. E. Ali 

      22 months ago

      I dont know what to write because everything i did in reaction is in sheer contradiction with what you have suggested in this article.

      Two months have been passed and im still bowing to her and trying to convince her to stay with me. Even yesterday, i tried alot to talk but no response from her side, although she was online. Then i deleted the social app on which i used to talk to her frequently and sat back, had some weed and slept. Im in abroad and i dont know what to do in such situation. Idont know what has happened to me, she is all over my nerves and heart and i really miss her every where. right now im at job but still trying to console myself with her thoughts and different articles. But now after reading your article, i have decided that i wont try to talk no matter how worse my situation is. I wish i could hold these decisions for longer time as i have made same decision hundreds of times in past two months, and failed badly.

      I think my talk here doesnt make any sense at all and im failing miserably to convey what i really want to speak but i dont know, i cant explain whats happening with me

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      22 months ago from Kenya

      I am sorry to hear about that Rafael. For now it will be better if you don't contact her because it will aggravate matters. Wait until the matter has cooled down.

    • profile image

      Rafael 

      22 months ago

      This is such a great advice here. I wish I had read this two weeks ago, before responding to her breakup message. I did not reply in anger, I wanted to take the pressure off of her by expressing my understanding and that I am more the oldschool face-to-face type in these situations. And that oldschool comment caused her to get totally mad at me, as her intention was to let me know in advance should we see each other again. That comment from my side ruined it completely, as I (unintentionally) attacked her way of communicating the breakup. In her first breakup message she suggested if we could reduce it all a bit (.e.g. no intimacy and stuff), but after my response she was so hurt about my reaction in what was her last message, explaining that she just had good intentions in letting me know before we see each other again, she did not want to slap the news right across my face.

      Now I haven't heard from her since 10 days and I fear I won't ever see her again. I feel shattered, we were dating for 2 months and we had such a great connection and now it is all gone. I so much wish I had replied authentically, by expressing my sadness about her message, that I had such a great time with her, respect her decision and wish her all the best. Just like it is suggested above.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      22 months ago from Kenya

      You're welcomed Francis

    • profile image

      Francis 

      22 months ago

      this is all that I needed Thank you very much

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      23 months ago from Kenya

      Thank you Annie Roberts

    • Deb Vesco Roberts profile image

      Debra Roberts 

      23 months ago from Ohio

      This is beautifully done. I love the layout!

    • profile image

      Holly H 

      23 months ago

      I love you right now! I am very grateful to you for knowing exactly what I need to read right now.

      These are amazing:

      You have so much to give. You're an awesome girl and your ex doesn't deserve any more of your time.

      And: You should know that you deserve wonderful relationships full of love, and that you are capable of achieving them.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      23 months ago from Kenya

      You are welcome Cathy

    • profile image

      cathy 

      23 months ago

      thanks for the advice its so helpful for me

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 years ago from Kenya

      You are right Sajid. If someone breaks up with us it means that person was never meant to be our permanent partner.

    • Sajid Balawar profile image

      Sajid Balawar 

      2 years ago from Karachi Pakistan

      very lucrative. if someone is breaking up with us, it mean someone better is send from God for us.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 years ago from Kenya

      At Alex, "Even if he says sorry nothings gonna change...." Don't allow it again if it keeps on repeating itself. It is a good decision you've undertaken to bring it to a stop. Don't allow to be treated like a doormat.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 years ago from Kenya

      It is true, Jim, to love someone who doesn't love you is gut wrenching. It is painful, as I have felt it when my ex-girlfriend told a friend of mine she never loved me. She said it was her friend who forced her to love me - mind me, she did in fact love me. However, the pain never lasts if you'll take positive steps to ensure you heal from the breakup.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 years ago from Kenya

      My sympathy, Joanna. It is good to know you've accepted the situation you're in though it's painful what you're going through. I was in the same boat but as days go by the pain will ease. It will not last forever. You are right, "It's worth the pain," and "I'm grateful for everything." Such are positive attitudes.

    • profile image

      joanna 

      2 years ago

      i love him. and it kills me to the inside. but its over. but im still grateful for everything. even with this pain.i know its going to end badly. but its worth the pain. so thank you

    • profile image

      jim 

      2 years ago

      am going through a breakup at the age of 50 and it has shattered me. To love someone who doesn't love you back is gut wrenching.... I do know that i will be ok.

    • profile image

      Alex 

      2 years ago

      Even if he says sorry nothings gonna change..........

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 years ago from Kenya

      You are welcome Max

    • profile image

      max 

      2 years ago

      thank you for this

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      2 years ago from Kenya

      Thank you Alison Monroe for your comment

    • alison monroe profile image

      Alison Monroe 

      2 years ago

      This is actually amazingly good advice.

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny 

      3 years ago from Kenya

      I agree with you dashingscorpio. It is not good to be platonic friends due to the reasons you gave plus it will hinder the healing processing and eventual recovery.

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    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)