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How to Respond Maturely When Someone Breaks Up With You

This is my purpose in life: to better myself through knowledge and help others do the same. I hope you enjoy my writing.

Your partner has told you they no longer want to be in the relationship with you. They're breaking up with you. Questions swirl in your mind. You're reeling. "But, why?" is the question that troubles you the most.

The initial shock emanating from the announcement of the breakup is replaced by confusion, and the accompaniment of hurtful feelings resulting from a heart that's been hurt.

Maybe you saw it coming or maybe it's out of the blue. No matter what your situation is, it's definitely true it sucks. Soon you'll be alone and have some time to think things through, but right now, all you need to know is how to get through the next ten minutes.

How to Act When Someone Breaks Up With You

  1. Tell yourself you'll be OK.

    No matter what you feel like right now (and no matter what you actually believe), tell yourself that you're OK, that you're going to live through this, and that this isn't the end of the world. You can do it like a mantra in your head: "I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK." It's OK to lie to yourself right now.

  2. Breathe.

    Make sure you keep breathing. Focus on the air coming in and out of your nose. You could even count your breaths—keep them deep and even. This will help you stay calm.

  3. Respect their decision.

    Don't beg or plead for them to take you back or to change their mind. The more you beg, the worse you look, and the less likely you'll be able to salvage any kind of friendship.

  4. Don't say too much.

    In the heat of the moment, you're likely to say something that you will later regret. Keep your words to a minimum.

  5. Don't try to force them to stay with you.

    First of all, it won't work. Second of all, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Trying to get them to stay in the relationship, or even just to stay with you physically in the same room will only make you look desperate and it will make them want to leave even more.

  6. Keep physical boundaries.

    Don't try to get sexy with them (bad idea!) and don't let them get sexy with you. Kissing isn't going to make them change their mind, even if it might distract you both from what's happening for a little bit.

  7. Don't interrupt them.

    Let them say everything they want to say. After they're finished talking, ask them if there's anything else they'd like to mention. This shows that you are mature enough to let them have the floor.

  8. If you want to, respond carefully.

    If you need to, take a few moments to gather your thoughts to respond to what they've said. Remember that you cannot change their mind about the breakup, so in your response, simply try to give your point of view without blaming or insulting them. Keep it as positive and as short as possible. Another option is to say that you'd like to give your point of view but that you're feeling too overwhelmed to do it right now. Ask them if they'd be okay with having a conversation in a couple of days.

  9. Keep your cool.

    Don't get angry or defensive. If you feel like you're getting too emotional to where you can't think straight or you just want to scream at them, ask if you can continue the conversation later. Think about being the kind of person that they'll regret leaving — some crying is normal, but if you're yelling or screaming at them, or insulting them, it's unlikely that will make you look very good.
  10. Be grateful (if possible.)

    Right now, you're probably really hurt and angry so it may be hard to try to dig out a silver lining. If you can, though, try to thank them for the good times that you had together.

  11. Say goodbye.

    Hug them and say farewell. Then, once they leave and you get home, you can collapse on your bed and start bawling.

  12. Forgive.

    Eventually, find forgiveness for them in your heart. It's hard and it may even seem impossible right now, but holding a grudge against them will only hurt you in the end and keep you from having positive dating experiences.

14 Things to Say When Someone Breaks Up With You

  1. This makes me really sad, but I respect your decision.
  2. I'm grateful for everything that we had together and I wish you all the best.
  3. I know we had problems and I thought we were working on them. I still think we could have a good future together, but I understand you don't see things the same way.
  4. I'd be lying if I said I was totally okay with this. I think you're awesome. I want you to have a happy life. I hope I can still be a part of it somehow, even if we aren't together.
  5. The truth is that I am sad now, but I'm going to be okay. I'm going to miss you.
  6. I'm just trying to keep it together right now. I didn't see this coming and—if I'm being honest—it really hurts. But I can't make you do anything you don't want to do. I really care about you and if being with me doesn't make you happy, then I agree that we shouldn't be together.
  7. We experienced so much together, and I'm grateful for what we had. I still care about you a lot and it will make me sad to see you go.
  8. You're going to have to give me some time to think about this. Do you think we could talk in a couple of days?
  9. This hurts so much. I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad. I'm just trying to be honest. I wish this weren't happening, but I accept that you have a different vision of the future.
  10. I wish I were a part of your future, but I can't make you change your mind. I think it will be best if we don't talk to each other for a while, so before that happens, I just want to tell you one last time that I do love you and I want only the best things for your life.
  11. I don't completely understand why, but I understand that you don't want to be together anymore, and that makes me really sad. I know I'm going to be okay but it hurts a lot right now.
  12. I still care about you and I'm going to miss you.
  13. I don't hate you, but right now I do feel hurt and angry. I hope you understand that I need some time alone. I hope that we can still be friends later on, but right now I don't know.
  14. I didn't think that this would be happening. I wanted to stay together. But you don't feel the same way. I wish you all the best. Goodbye.
  15. I don't know what to say or think. I never thought our relationship would end like this. I'm heartbroken to hear that. I wish you'd reconsider your decision. If I can't make you change it, then I'll have to accept it.
  16. Why not give ourselves a week or two to discuss about our relationship, and see if we can salvage it. If, after that period it amounts to nothing, then we can part our ways; knowing it's for our own good.

Breakups Suck, but You're Going to Be OK

Breakups hurt. Sometimes it's very difficult to know why your ex decided to end things. You may feel embarrassed, like you've lost your dignity. Or you might feel messed up, like your world is turned upside down. You might even be so confused that you feel useless. Now that your romantic relationship is over, what else is there?

People react differently during breakups. Generally the ones who get hit the hardest are those who are on the receiving end—especially when they didn't see it coming (and especially if it was a long-term relationship). That's not to say the initiators of the breakup aren't affected by it, particularly if the relationship was very serious. Normally, the ones who break it off feel pretty bad about it too.

They definitely suck. But no matter what—you have a choice in how you respond to a breakup. Remember that you want to keep as much of your dignity as possible so you can hold your head high the next time you see your ex. You might be crumbling inside, but they don't have to know that.

It doesn't matter if you've gone through lots of breakups or if this is your first one—it's a good idea to be careful in your response. You'll only embarrass yourself if you act dramatically.

Also, if you have a meltdown during the breakup—no matter which side you are on—it'll take longer to heal, and there is almost no chance your ex will consider getting back together with you (if that is something that you want to do).

Here's some more detail on how you can best respond if someone is breaking up with you.

1. Pretend Like You're OK

Psychological studies have shown that acting like you're OK—doing things like smiling or staying calm—can actually help you feel better. Even though in the moment you may feel like you want to disappear, do your best to put on a brave face. At the very least, it will help you keep your dignity in front of the person who's dumping you.

2. Stay Calm. Breathe.

When we are in anxiety-producing situations, our body has the tendency to tense up. This may cause you to hold your breath, which makes you feel even more tense and emotional, and so on. Even though it may seem like you're going to lose control if you breathe, let it happen.

Focus on the feeling of breath coming in and out of your nose (a useful mindfulness technique), and taking deep breaths and counting them. This will help keep your feelings from spiraling out of control.

3. Respect Your Ex’s Decision

Accept and respect your ex's decision. Respecting the decision means you’ve heard what they've had to say and are not in denial about what is happening.

It is true that it hurts. You might cry and you will, in fact, feel hurt. What matters, however, is how you react. At first, you just need to listen and make sure your ex knows they have been heard.

4. Don't Talk Too Much

If you talk a lot, you might say things that you will regret later. Say only what you have to say, not everything that you want to say. You don't need to tell them everything that's on your mind or give them a piece of it.

You don't need to tell them how much you're hurting or if they're breaking your heart— they are no longer the person you tell everything. Don’t let them know how hurt you are. Let them see with their own eyes how strong you are by not allowing yourself to act irrationally or blab on about how much you're going to miss them.

5. Don’t Try to Force Them to Stay

Remember that you can't force things. Don’t try to force someone to stay in the relationship when they don't want to. You should respect the decision that has already been made, regardless of whether or not you think it's justified.

You can't force someone to love you when they no longer do. If they do agree to start dating again, do you think they'll love you the same? Or do you think you will always be in doubt, thinking they are just in the relationship because you begged them to be.

6. Don't Try to Get Physical With Them (Kissing Won't Change Their Mind)

Getting physical with your ex might seem like a good idea in the moment, especially because you'll probably be feeling pretty emotional and those feelings might demand an outlet. But . . . don't do it! It's unlikely that being physical with your ex will seem like a good idea in hindsight.

7. Don't Interrupt or Argue With Them

Let your ex say everything they need to say. Listen to them and try not to interrupt, even if you're feeling angry or if you feel like what they're saying is wrong. Listening patiently will leave a good last impression (which is what you want to leave them with). You'll also be able to be proud of yourself for keeping it together and letting them have their say.

8. Give Your Point-of-View Thoughtfully, Without Blaming or Insulting Them

If you launch into an attack on them after they've finished talking, you'll just come off looking bad. If you choose to respond to what they say to you (which is something that you don't necessarily need to do), do so thoughtfully.

Be honest and talk about how you feel and what you think—avoid statements that blame your ex or insult them. Try talking about your relationship from a 3rd-person's point of view. This may help you put things into perspective, both for yourself and for them.

9. Don’t Plead

Even if you feel like their decision to end things was unjustified, you shouldn't beg for another chance as if your life depends it. The best you can do is tell them why you disagree as reasonably as possible.

In the end, if they don't change their mind, you need to accept that the relationship is over. Don’t plead. It makes you seem needy and desperate.

You will not die if they leave you. Your world will not come to an end even if you love them very very much.

People break up and move on with their lives every day—even people who have much more at stake. It may not seem like it now, but you're going to be fine. Besides, there are plenty of guys out there for you to meet.

10. Be Grateful

Yes you heard correctly. Thank your ex for the time that you've had—even if the relationship is over for good and there is no hope of getting back together. Thank them for the good things that they offered and for the things that you learned with them.

This may feel impossible to do right away, and that's understandable. At some point, though, it will be best for you to figure out the things that you liked about your relationship. Remember that there was a reason you two were together in the first place. It didn't just happen randomly. Find and appreciate the good times.

Also, telling them that you're grateful for what you had makes you look really good. It shows that you have more in life to live for than the relationship, and that you're going to carry the good things forward with you as you move on.

11. Forgive Them

This might seem impossible at first and it might not happen right away. At some point, though, you'll need to forgive them. Holding onto a grudge — no matter how much you were wronged — only does you harm in the end.

Perhaps you've heard the comparison of how holding a grudge is like a person holding onto a hot coal in order to throw it at someone else. In the end, only the person holding onto the coal gets burned. Even though it may take time, you need to let your anger go. It will only harm you and will do nothing to them.

Why You Should Try to Keep Your Cool

When you respond positively to a breakup—as much as it hurts—it shows several things:

  1. You show that you're not in denial about what's happening. It will show your ex that you are also capable of moving on and that you don't need them to survive.
  2. Reacting well shows that you are able to handle yourself even if you are hurting. This shows maturity. Though there's nothing wrong with feeling sad (and in fact, you should take time to feel through the emotions of a breakup), behaving with dignity with your ex will help you feel stronger, and may even help you get over the breakup faster. It also makes you look good in front of them. The last thing you want is to come off looking pathetic.
  3. Even though you feel hurt, the breakup will end on a good note and you'll earn your ex's respect.
  4. You might surprise your ex. They'll wonder why you didn't react negatively, which is something many people expect. When you don't beg and plead for them back, you'll show them that you still have a life to live without them and that you're going to be fine.
  5. You will not regret your actions or feel ashamed because of what you did and you'll feel good about yourself.

Things to Remember During a Breakup

  1. Give yourself some time to think things through and time to sort out your thoughts regarding what happened. Maybe it was for your own good.
  2. Not all relationships are meant to survive forever. There are many people out there that will be a good fit for you.
  3. Things don't always go to plan. Hurt is inevitable. Sometimes there is nothing more that you could have done. Maybe you did everything you could have. Either way — the relationship is over now. Try not to spend too much time rehashing the past.
  4. If you live in denial or stay angry, you'll only make it harder for yourself to recover. You'll be letting your ex live on in your life when neither of you deserve that. Let them go.
  5. You probably know this already, but it doesn't hurt to repeat: do not contact your ex for at least two weeks. This gives you and your ex-boyfriend both some time to think and recover.

How to Respond If They Broke Up With You Over Text

  1. Re-read the text message.

    Let's be honest—you're probably going to do that a bunch anyways. It's OK to read (and re-read, and re-read, and re-read). But whatever you do, don't respond just yet.

  2. Stay put.

    Don't respond to the text yet and stay off social media!!! Do not vent there. The chance you'll say something that you regret later is pretty high. Instead . . .

  3. Journal.

    Write down all of your feelings and what you'd want to say to your ex if you could tell them anything in a journal or a paper letter and do not send it to them. This is just for you to vent. Honestly it will help.

  4. Wait to respond.

    Wait 24 hours until you're feeling a little more level-headed. If you're still so mad you just want to text them "I HOPE YOU DIE," wait a little longer.

  5. Reach out.

    Contact a friend or family member ASAP and tell them what happened. Texting or calling is good, but it's even better if you hang out with them in person.

  6. Respond carefully.

    When you're ready, and you choose to respond (which you do not have to), you can text them back. Here are some options for what you could say:

    "This makes me sad to hear. I wish we could have had this conversation in person. I am grateful for the times that we've shared and I wish you all the best."

    "I don't agree with the way you've decided to end things but I'm not going to try to change your mind. Goodbye."

    "This was really shocking for me to see. I know that breaking up is hard but I wish we could have done this in person. I think we could have had a good future, but I respect that you don't see things the same way. I wish you all the best."

    "Really sad about this—hope you have a good life."

  7. Be nice.

    Even if you're faking it, it is important that you are polite to them because it shows them that, unlike them, you are not a loser. You are a mature adult who can have hard conversations.

  8. Forgive them.

    Then, start the slow process of forgiving them and moving on with your life. You have so much to give. You're an awesome girl and your ex doesn't deserve any more of your time.

How to Move On After a Breakup

  1. Feel the feelings.

    Let yourself be sad, angry, hurt, shocked, heartbroken. Don't try to suppress the emotions. They need to be felt and appreciated. They are real, and what you had was real.

  2. Write it out.

    Journaling is a great tool for you to better understand how you feel. Make a commitment to journal every day even if you don't feel like it and even if you just end up writing their name over and over again. Another helpful tool is writing letters to them (that you don't end up sending). It's a way to trick your mind into getting closure.

  3. Remember the good times.

    Even though you might be hurting right now—and even if it's better that you're broken up—don't forget that there were good things about your relationship. Don't let yourself become bitter. It will only hurt you in the end.

  4. Let them go.

    Ceremonies can be powerful tools to help recover from heartbreak. You could do something like write their name on a piece of paper and then say all of the things that you loved about them, and all the things that you hated about them. Then, you could (carefully!) burn the paper, symbolizing releasing them from your life. Or you could make up your own ceremony.

  5. Give yourself space.

    Hide their pictures and mementos (or give them to a friend for safekeeping—sometimes they're nice to have later on and you'll regret destroying them). Unfriend, unfollow, and block them from social media. Do it. You do not need to know what's happening in their lives. Do not call them, text them, email them, "bump" into them, or otherwise try to contact them for as long as you need to (many people say 30 days). You don't have to just ghost either—you could tell them that you need some space from them for a while and that you'll reach out when you're ready (if you want to).

  6. Instead, reach out to friends and family.

    Hang out with your pals and with the people that love you. They want to support you and help you through this, especially right at the beginning. Let yourself lean on their shoulders.

  7. Take care of yourself.

    You've probably heard this a million times, but that's because it's true. Get enough sleep (8 hours every night!), eat good food (avoid chips, ice cream, candy—anything high carb or high fat), don't try to use alcohol or drugs to make yourself feel better (being sad and hungover is horrible), exercise (there are so many great workout videos on YouTube, and go outside! (walking is great). Even if you want to curl up and die, your body still needs you to take care of it. You might not feel like it, but just go through the motions at first and trust that eventually you will feel better.

  8. Make new memories.

    Invite your friends to do something new together. Go on a trip. Read a new book. Go to a concert. Try a new hobby or get back into an old one. Making new memories will help you get started on a new life without your ex. Also, try volunteering or doing something nice for a friend or family member—a great way to forget about how miserable you are is by helping others.

  9. Forgive your ex.

    In time, find a place in your heart to forgive your ex. Remember that, like you, they are just human and just trying to do the best they can. Whether or not you think they were in the right for breaking up with you, what has happened has happened, and the only thing you can do is appreciate what you had together and move forward into the future.

  10. Forgive yourself.

    Maybe you're mad at yourself for not seeing the breakup coming, for not trying hard enough, for hurting them, or for making the same relationship mistakes that you've made before. No matter what—you need to forgive yourself too. Take what you can from this past relationship and learn from it. Know that you are also imperfect and just trying to do your best. You should know that you deserve wonderful relationships full of love, and that you are capable of achieving them.

You Will Get Through This

As hard as breakups are and as much as they suck, you are going to make it through.

Good luck and stay strong.

Have Your Say:

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQS) on Breakups

a) How to Break up with Your Partner

Before you break up with someone you love, there are several things you should bear in mind.

  1. Satisfaction of your decision to break up.

    Are you positive this is something you want to do? Will you regret later of having broken up with your partner? Will you repent of having executed your decision; wishing you hadn't gone through with it?

  2. Justification of your decision to break up.

    What is your reason for breaking up with your partner? Is it because your partner isn't charming? Is it because she's gained weight? Obviously, you're motivated by healthy reasons in engaging in the relationship. Therefore, it makes sense, your reason(s) for ending the relationship should be sensible.

  3. Mode of the break up.

    Which break up strategy will utilize - in-person, call or text? Your choice of mode of break up will depend on the personality of your partner (or yourself), and/or the status of the relationship. For instance, if your partner is emotionally or physically abusive, you'd resort to text break up. If you're hundreds of miles away from your partner, and you're unable to meet with them, you'd opt for the less socially-accepted mode of break up - call or text.

  4. The venue.

    The choice of a location to break up with your partner will be dependent on the personality of your partner (or yourself), whether you're living together, if you're within a meeting distance or thousands of miles away. If your partner is abusive or hot-tempered, you'd choose either to break up with them over the phone, or meet in a public place (not crowded to avoid embarrassment). You might want to have a friend of of yours to accompany you, and watch from a distance. They'd come to rescue if your now-ex wants to physically harm you. When it comes to meeting in a private place - house - it's recommendable you break up with them in their place. What if your now-ex is overwhelmed by emotions that they don't want to leave your house? Will your force them to get out?

  5. Reaction to emotional responses from your partner.

    How will you respond when your now-ex exhibits a variant of emotional reactions? What if they shout on top of their voice? What if they call you names or insult you? Will you match your anger against them? Will you reiterate with a good size of your own insults against them?

    What if they respond calmly to your breaking up with them? Will you get angry at them for responding calmly to your breaking up with them? Which words will come out of your mouth in response to their calmness in that situation? How will you act in such a situation?

How to break up:

  1. Tell your partner you'd like to meet with them to talk about a sensitive issue. While you can offer a clue what the talk will be about, you should take note some partners will not show up, or if it's over phone, they will go mute - won't respond after knowing you want to break up with them. You'll be left in awkward situation of how to end the relationship because they might not even respond to your breaking up with them.
  2. When you meet, either face-to-face or on the phone, ensure they aren't busy doing something, or in a group of people. Their attention should be directed to you to avoid the uncertainties that may succeed your breaking up with them. For instance, you can't break the news of the breakup when your partner is preparing you a cup of coffee, or driving a car.
  3. Weigh in how much you should say before you break the news. This implies you shouldn't jump quickly into the heart of the matter nor take much time to arrive at it. You can choose to break the news, then offer the reasons for taking that decision, or you can build a case leading to breaking up with them.
  4. Be ready to respond to their questions politely, and patiently. You might become fed up with their many questions. You'll burst out in anger, stating you won't answer any of their other stupid questions. Your partner has a right to know what needs to be known pertaining to your decision to break up with them (including the failed relationship). You should remember they're part of the relationship; not a spectator to it.
  5. Don't victimize anyone or anything. Not your partner, yourself, someone outside the relationship, or anything e.g. a pet. Blaming never accomplishes anything. State your reason for ending the relationship without pointing a finger at anyone, or anything.
  6. Let them know you didn't have any ill intention in engaging in the relationship with them. It's heartbreaking, and it might threaten their mental health, and their view of romantic relationships, when they assume you engaged in the relationship for ulterior or selfish motives.
  7. Don't comfort them. You're the one who has broken up their heart by ending the relationship. It's unexpected the one who hurts another one should comfort that person. It might also appear as if you're enjoying the occasion. Furthermore, comforting them might propel you to get back with them.

2. How to Get Over a Breakup

You're wondering if you'll ever get past the break up. The emotional pain is too much to bear, you don't know if you'll ever heal from it. The good news is that you can recover from the break up.

The length of recovery will depend on a number of factors, but the major determining factor is what you're doing to get past the break up.

Tips for getting over a break up:

  1. Manage your emotions. The main functions of the hurtful emotions is to alert you to a threat at hand - break up - which will compel you to deal with it - get over it. Therefore, you shouldn't push the emotions to the back of your head - subconscious mind. Instead, feel the emotions. Experiencing the emotions is a means of transmitting the message to your heart that an unpleasant situation has occurred - the reality of the break up. After you've felt the emotions, release them from your mental system by disallowing yourself from experiencing them. Entertaining them for a lengthy period will inhibit the healing process from taking its course, thereby jeopardizing your recovery from the breakup.
  2. Don't contact your ex after the break up. You're longing to get in touch with them. Maybe you want to reunite with them, or hope by doing so, the pain will subside. Maybe you want to continue the friendship that existed before engaging in the relationship. Whatever the case, getting back in touch early on isn't a healthy decision to undertake. It's a time of reflection on the failed relationship, your ex, yourself, and the break up. What have you learned from the break up (and previous ones? What part of your life needs a remake over? Which things in your life did you neglect that you now need to get back to them? Exercising no contact for 30 days will enable you to know whether you should get back with your ex, or move on with your life. Most importantly, it's an effective and safest means of ushering in the healing process.
  3. Get rid of anything that'll remind you about your ex. When you entertain thoughts of your ex, and the good times you spent, you'll become more sorrowful which will deepen the emotional pain you're feeling. Furthermore, the thoughts will intensify the negative emotions you're experiencing. This will prolong the healing and recovery process. Thus, you should store away, tear or burn any remembrance of your ex. This includes unfriending or blocking them from your social media accounts. It'll prevent you from sneaking on their profile to watch their photos, videos or posts.
  4. Do what you love doing. Is it sculpting, or is it writing? Do you like playing football, or netball? Doing what you love will distract your mind, and deflect your thoughts, from the break up. Additionally, they'll feel you with happiness thereby lessening the intensity of negative emotions. You should also consider volunteering on a charity project. Sharing your knowledge or skills, and your time, will fill you with untold happiness. A good indicator you're getting over the break up.
  5. Do you've someone - a friend or loved one - you can depend on for emotional support? Sometimes, the hurtful emotions can be overwhelming, you don't know what to do. An emotional support from a loved one or friend can help in easing the intensity of hurtful emotions, and provide you with hope that it's possible to get over the breakup. If you feel shy seeking a loved one or friend for emotional support, you can join online groups dedicated to helping its members cope with various hurtful situations. Seek professional help if the negative emotions are influencing your life in destructive ways, or your mental healthy is being compromised by the negative emotions.
  6. Divine guidance. If you believe in the existence of a Supreme Being, God, you can pray to Him to help you go through, and get over the break up. The guidance, comfort, peace of mind and heart you'll get from Him will lead you towards the road to recovery. He won't remove the pain, but will guide you on how to get past the break up.
  7. Don't pretend you're fine - to yourself and others who ask you how you're fairing on. Be honest. But, also tell them, and yourself, despite the pain you're feeling, and the intensity of the negative emotions you're experiencing, you're working towards recovering from the break up. Having a positive mentality will assist you in getting over the breakup in a shorter time.
  8. Don't listen to love songs, particularly the sad romantic songs. You've wallowed in sadness and other hurtful emotions. This isn't the time to get back to them again. They're no longer beneficial to you. This isn't the time to be reminded about your past love, or the love who has slipped from your hands. This is the time to be motivated about moving on, reaching your goals, fulfilling your destiny. Listen to encouraging and inspiring songs. They'll motivate you to work towards recovering from the break up.
  9. Forgive yourself, and your ex. Forgive yourself for having been the cause of the break up, or for initiating the break up. Forgive your ex if they they're the cause of the break up, of for breaking up with you. Forgiveness acts as a filter; preventing negative emotions from taking residence in your heart.
  10. Thank them. It's a difficult concept to accept, but it's a means of releasing yourself from the strongholds of negative emotions.
  11. Stop being needy or desperate to get back with your ex. You feel your ex meant the whole world to you, which might be true. You feel no one can replace your ex, which isn't true. You're afraid of losing all that you'd invested in the relationship, which is heartbreaking. Even so, they shouldn't be the reasons why you want to reunite with your ex. Give it some time - an average of 30 days. In that duration, you'll know whether it's a wise decision to get back with your ex.
  12. Lastly, don't make love with your ex to alleviate the pain. Having sex with them will not lessen the pain. The activity will only override the pain momentarily by eliciting sexual pleasure. Afterwards, the impact of having slept with your ex will only deepen the pain. Not to mention, amplifying negative emotions such as sadness, anger, hatred, and other negative emotions.

3. How to Respond to Ghosting

Ghosting, a form of silent treatment, is a type of break up strategy whereby an individual ends a relationship without involving their other significant one.

There are several reasons why people ghost their partners. Irrespective of the reasons, ghosting isn't a justifiable means of ending a relationship.

If you've been ghosted, the following are different ways you can respond to it.

a) Requite the same treatment

A surety sign your partner has ghosted you is that they won't respond to your numerous texts and calls. They'll avoid you, or offer excuses why they haven't been communicating lately with you when you chance to meet with them.

You are restless know whether they've broken up with you. But, if they're remaining unresponsive to your attempted contact, why should you tire yourself emotionally trying to get a response from them? Accept you've been ghosted, however hurting it is, and move on with your life.

b) Exercise no contact

If you're desperate to know whether your partner has ghosted you, and the reason(s) why, you can employ no contact, then re-establish it. After trying to get a response from your partner but not getting any, employ the no contact for a minimum of 30 days. After the expiration of the duration you've set to go no contact, re-establish the contact. They might respond, or not. If they don't respond after three to five attempts, let them be. It's now time to move on with your life.

4. Responding to a Break Up

i) Why you should you respond to a break up

You're not obligated to respond to your ex breaking up with you. You shouldn't sit there, and listen to your partner dumping you. You shouldn't hold your phone close to your ear, and listen to your partner breaking up with you. You shouldn't read every word on the screen of your phone or computer which is spelling the end of the relationship.

Why respond when they don't want to be in the relationship with you anymore?

While you might have legitimate reasons for not wanting to respond, replying back to their breaking up with you shouldn't be a complicated process. Even though it'll be painful listening to your partner dumping you, you should bear it so that the relationship can end on an even note, or mutually.

If you can't bear it, cut them short, and let them know you can't bear listening to them breaking up with you. Whatever the reason for breaking up with you, you'll accept their decision.

If you have foreknowledge your partner wants to terminate the relationship, you can tell them beforehand you've accepted their breaking up with you if that's what they want. Let them know you can't bear the pain of meeting them, and listen to them breaking up with you. It can be done over the phone (text or call).

Remember, when you don't respond, you'll leave your partner in a state of confusion. Your lack of response might affect (or worsen) their mental state as they try to understand why you didn't respond.

ii) How to cope with the lack of response from your partner

Your partner's lack of response to your breaking up with them is influenced by any one, or a number of reasons. The three major reasons are:

  • They either don't have anything to say in response to your decision - to break up with them, or they may not know what to say. Should they accept it, however painful it is, or should they object your decision?
  • They can't bear the agony of being broken up with. By not responding to any of your break up strategy - in-person, text or call, they're shielding themselves from the pain they'd experience.
  • They don't want to appear weak in front of you, exhibit a variant of emotional responses in front of you including crying and begging you, or they want to avoid reacting negatively to you. What if they emotionally and/or physically hurt you?

How to deal with the lack of response from your partner

  1. Don't torture yourself emotionally in determining the reason your partner hasn't responded. You may never know why they haven't responded. The questions that you raise in your mind will most likely be met by unverified answers. In turn, the lack of knowing why, and trying to understand why, will only stress you more, and deepen the pain you're feeling of having broken up with them.
  2. You'll experience a variant of hurtful emotions. Feel them. The humiliation. The anger. The bitterness. The hatred. Let the tears have their way. Experiencing the hurtful emotions is the body's way of accepting a hurtful event has occurred. But, don't feel the emotions for too long. Detoxify yourself of the negative emotions by not feeling them anymore. Let go of anger. The bitterness. The hatred, and other negative emotions you're experiencing.
  3. Don't contact them for a minimum of 30 days. This is the time to concentrate on yourself. Not your ex, or their lack of response. You've felt and dealt with the hurtful emotions. Now, you should reflect on the failed relationship - the lessons to learn from the break up, and what changes you need to make in your life.
  4. Make use of your hobbies. What do you love doing? Do the activities that you derive pleasure and fulfilment. Those activities will detract your mind from thinking about your ex, and the neverending question of why they didn't respond. Engaging in fun and fulfilling activities will fill you with happiness which will lessen the sadness, and other negative emotions you're feeling.
  5. Forgive them. It's difficult, but a necessary thing to do. Forgiving them for not responding to you also acts as a catalyst in lessening the severity of negative emotions from influencing you negatively.
  6. Stop thinking about your ex. You might find yourself thinking about the good times you had, and at the same moment wondering why they didn't respond. Stop entertaining those thoughts in your mind. Focus your mind on other things.
  7. Store away, tear, delete or burn their photos and/or videos. Unfollow or block them from your social media accounts. This will prevent you from sneaking on their profiles, or looking at their photos and videos which will only deepen the pain by magnifying the sadness, and other negative emotions you're feeling. If you feel you'll be tempted to call or text them, delete their number, store it away, or give it to your friend to keep them for you.
  8. Get in touch with them. Not to beg them to respond, but to thank them. Thank them for the time you spent together. You can tell them how their lack of response had affected you, but you'd to accept why they didn't respond even though you don't know why. And, wish them all the best. This positive response acts as a catalyst in lessening the intensity of the hurtful emotions, and the emotional pain you're feeling.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: I was in a nine-month relationship, but we broke up. It is hard for me to move on with all of the memories of the relationship. What should I do?

Answer: You should cease any communication with your ex if you're trying to make any contact with him. By not communicating with your ex, you'll allow the healing process to begin. As you continue to exercise No Contact Rule the images of your ex and the relationship will no longer bother you - they will fade away. You should engage in activities that will distract you from thinking about your ex but don't become too busy. I have written several articles on what a partner should do after a breakup so as to be able to move on. A breakup can incapacitate somebody making it hard for that person to move on or confused on what to do.

Question: I was in an 8-year-long relationship but my boyfriend says he needs freedom and wants to talk with other girls. So what should I do?

Answer: Time to pack and go i.e leave the relationship. It shows he doesn't respect you as his girlfriend. The fact he says he wants freedom indicates you are obstructing him from talking to other girls. He wants to flirt with girls however he wants while still in a relationship with you.

Once a person commits in a relationship, there are some things he needs to stop doing. He is no longer single with no strings attached. But, the fact is that he considers you as a jail whereby he can't breathe or move.

If your boyfriend lacks respect for who you are in his life, then why bother to continue in the relationship with him? Let him know you no longer want anything to do with him - the relationship is over. You should settle with a man who respects you and understands that some things or behaviors need to be done away once committed in a relationship.

He might have been a nice guy and you've been in the relationship for long; but remember people change and they develop a different perspective pertaining to relationship.

I hope you will find your feet and move on. Don't cling to the fact he is still the nice guy you knew.

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me because I sent him a message saying he hurt me when he didn't call me on my birthday. He sent me a text wishing me a happy birthday and told me we would talk later but he didn't call. He broke up with me via text message because I sent him a text telling him how I felt. Was I wrong to do this?

Answer: It is well-known that women feel hurt when their significant ones or husbands don't wish them a happy birthday. Were you wrong in letting him know how you felt when he didn't wish you a happy birthday? You weren't wrong. He should have apologized and wished you a happy birthday. However, out of anger after letting him know how you felt, he dumped you through a text. That is not a mature manner of solving such an issue in a relationship.

In relationships, a partner may hurt his/her partner directly or indirectly. Thus, it is proper to let your partner know he hurt you by not doing something which means a lot to you.

Question: I have been in a 20-year relationship. My boyfriend broke up with me through text that contained insulting or abusive words. How should I react and reply?

Answer: From your description, it appears your boyfriend has ended the relationship because you have prioritized your family above him. However, he has gone to such an extreme in insulting you in such a manner considering you've been in the relationship for 20 years.

Don't respond in anger nor use abusive words as a retaliation or to give him a piece of your mind. Let him know you've pondered on his text the reason you've taken time in responding. Let him know even though you're in a relationship, you can't ignore your family as they are part of your life as he is.

I know you're hurting considering how long you've been together. However, for him to throw such insulting words at you shows he lacks respect for you. If you would like to get back with him or not, let him know you'll accept his proposal that you won't call or text him. It will be hard to restrain yourself from contacting him but in time you'll get used to it.

Don't write a long text. Be brief. Tell him even though he has insulted you, you won't retaliate in anger or insult him. If he doesn't want to be with you it's alright. In time you'll find your foot though your enjoyed your time together. Wish him all the best and thank him for the things you shared together.

Question: She just broke up with me. We have been through this process on and off - getting back together then breaking up. But this time it wasn't a mutual decision. I feel as if it came from nowhere but she still wants us to be friends like we were before, only this time I don't think I can do that anymore. What do I say to her?

Answer: You have realized that if you allow yourselves to be platonic friends you'll end up in the same game, an on and off relationship game. Let her know it won't be a good idea to be platonic friends. If it happens so you'll be wasting each other time as the two of you would end up together then break up. Thus, you should stop communicating with each other. You should cease communication because it's evident you were never meant to be together. While friendship is a good thing - returning to the state of friendship before you began dating - it is different now. It will bring back the memories and it will be hard to move on. In the months to come, the feelings for each other will have died thus you'll become casual friends since that is what you are meant to be. But, if you become platonic friends you'll be hurting each other and wasting each other's time.

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me after 1-year of relationship because my attitude was s**t. We were in a serious relationship and were very close. After the breakup, I've begged him like hell - calling, texting & emailing him. He blocked me everywhere. Do you think he will come back? What should I do?

Answer: In your situation, it might be difficult for your boyfriend to come back. Your reaction or attitude put him off.

You can try this technique. It's not evil but a healthy attempt to restore the relationship. Since he has closed all forms of communication, you should not contact him in other ways like using your friend's phone. This is known as no contact rule. During this time work on your attitude. At the end of two weeks, you can write a letter or use a friend's phone. Let him know you're sorry, ask for forgiveness for the kind of reaction you'd display, you've analyzed yourself and have corrected or changed your attitude and still are, and you pray for another chance because you love him and so on. He needs to know you've changed. Don't send another text or letter. Wait. If he doesn't respond wait for two or three days then send him another text. If he hasn't responded call him. If he doesn't answer, it's time to move on. Maybe he will contact you in the future. Even if he doesn't, the most important thing is to work on your attitude because you wouldn't want another relationship to end like this because of how you respond or react.

Question: We both want to break up but he seems to have beaten me to it, what do I say?

Answer: Since you want also to break up with him, you can say:

"It will be difficult to accept the fact you'll not be together and the possibility of having a family. I accept your decision as hard as it is since it is best for both of us. It will save us a lot and of heartache in the future as evidenced by this breakup. I will miss you but I can't deny I enjoyed my time with you.

Question: I was in a relationship for a few months but we broke up. I know that both of us have feelings for each other, but she has been going through some tough times lately such as family medical issues and school problems. She broke it up because her life was too busy (in her opinion). I still have feelings for her and I want to get back with her when she's ready. What do I do about my on again off again girlfriend?

Answer: She might view the relationship overwhelming as a result of the things that are happening in her life. But, it may also be that her decision to break up is based on something else.

Why not send her a message and let her know you love her and will be waiting for her. Let her know your love for her is intense and you'll wait when she will get back to the relationship.

However, don't let your life revolve around her coming back. Move on with your life. She might come back or not. Don't put all your hope on her.

Don't bother her with texts or calls. She won't take it lightly.

Question: I was in a relationship of 5 years having lived together for a year. She broke up with me 5 days ago after I caught her twice meeting up with her ex. In both instances, she apologized promising not to repeat again but despite wanting her back badly she broke up with me. My family never liked her and I know that I don't ever want her back but I still crave for her every day. How can I erase memories of her from my mind?

Answer: It is good you have decided not to chase after her. It would be futile for you would be hurting yourself in the long run. Her breaking up with you is for your own good even though it hurts.

Erasing her memory from your mind in an instant is not possible. However, if you want to heal and recover from the relationship you have to be determined and disciplined.

First, delete her numbers from your phone and block her on your social media accounts. This will prevent you from giving in to the urge to want to send her text or look at her posts or photos.

Secondly, tear apart and burn her photos. They are no longer of any use to you. They will always remind you of her. This includes any possession of hers that you have. You can decide to return them to her, store away or get rid of them.

Engage in activities that will keep you from thinking about her. You shouldn't be busy, but activities such as hobbies do help a lot.

Don't listen to sad songs and when you begin thinking about her, snap out of it. Always tell yourself she is no longer yours. Stop as soon as possible replaying the good times you shared or thinking about the relationship.

Don't hate or hold a grudge against her anymore. Don't hate her and forgive her.

I have written articles on how to heal and recover from a relationship and things you should never do after a breakup.

Question: She told me to decide on my perception. What should I do?

Answer: You should ask her to give you some time to respond to her request. It might include not contacting her for several days to give you time to decide on which answer to give her. I do not know why she asked you this but you should not respond too quickly.

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me and is still pleading we remain as friends, can I do that?

Answer: There is nothing wrong reverting to friendship but it shouldn't be a platonic friendship. You should remain as casual friends - not too close to friends. However, the friendship shouldn't start any sooner. Until both of you have recovered from the breakup and have moved on with their lives can you become friends? Any time sooner, it will create memories that you shouldn't be reminded of.

Question: What does it mean when your boyfriend tells you that he needs to see you and the news is good for him and also bad?

Answer: It might be a number of things related to the relationship. You should be open and brave yourself if the news is not good to you.

I don't think he wants to end the relationship but it is obvious the bad news will affect your relationship e.g. if he has gotten a job in another country or state.

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me because my friend said he is stupid. Do you think that's really necessary?

Answer: It wasn't necessary. I'm surprised your ex undertook the action of ending the relationship because of the statement which was uttered by your friend.

While I understand he might have felt bad at being called stupid by your friend, I don't get it why he would also involve you in that comment.

That's why you might have heard that some relationships come to an end because of minor or unbelievable reasons.

Question: My girlfriend and I broke up yesterday. Being stuck in the house together for a few months due to COVID-19 didn’t help and that’s when our relationship started, at the very beginning of COVID-19. We started arguing a lot and became less affectionate towards one another. Actually I distanced myself, not her. Now that we are not together I regret not putting in more effort. I do still love her and wish it was different. Is there anything I can do to repair my relationship?

Answer: Mending a failed relationship that lasted for less than six months is difficult than failed relationships that lasted more than six months, especially from one year-onwards.

The only option you're left with is to ask for forgiveness.

Her response will determine the status of the breakup. She will accept you back or say she doesn't want anything to do with you.

Be humble, use polite language, and explain why you reacted in such a manner. Let her know you are sorry for how you treated her, and that you love her, and hope she'll give you another chance.

It's better you call her. If she doesn't pick up your call or picks it up but the conversation doesn't turn out as you expected, send her a text.

Don't pressure her if she refuses in both instances. Don't force. Let her be, that is, give her time. In a couple of days, a week is better, contact her.

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me after 9 months together. I begged him to try again and not leave but he said it was because we argue about everything but we don't - we disagree not argue but he can't talk about things. Was I wrong to beg him to stay and bawled my eyes out?

Answer: You did the right thing because you loved him and you believed you could solve whatever was ailing the relationship. You knew the root cause of the breakup thus you had knowledge of what could be done to save the relationship.

Begging is a normal reaction but if someone begs continually or for a long time it becomes unhealthy.

Weeping is healthy because it's the body's reaction to an emotional situation. It is a normal thing because it displays physically the pain you feel in your heart.

Question: We met each other in a mental hospital, I know that sounds kinda crazy but I swear I’m fine. Anyway, we were all that onto each other. We had cause and because no one likes messed up people, he broke up with me last night and I’m looking this up the next morning. I’m so stupid. I want him back. I love him and he loves me. What do I do to get my ex-back?

Answer: Send him a text. Tell him how much you love him and you can work out what led to the breakup. If he doesn't respond, text him by telling him that you're patiently waiting for his response. Don't contact him for more than two weeks. If he doesn't respond in that period, contact him. If he doesn't pick up your phone or reply to your text, don't bother him. Continue with your life. You will find someone else who loves and understands you.

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me the day after we confessed that we liked each other. We were texting "I love you" all night. Then the next morning, he said it's over. What do I say?

Answer: Tell him you don't understand why he broke up with you.

Let him know he has hurt you, but you can't force him to love you when he no longer has any feelings for you. Let him know you wonder whether he really loves you or has feelings for you or he was playing with you.

Let him know though it will take some time to heal and recover from the breakup; you will take the necessary steps to ensure you have found your feet to move on. Maybe you were never intended to be together but for now, what matters is to work out on moving on and concentrating on your life.

Thank him for everything, the good and the bad, and wish him all the best and his future love.

Question: I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for two years but when her brother knew that I love her, he told her to break with me. Indeed she accepted this and broke up with me. What should I do so she can love me again?

Answer: I love texts but the downside of it is that one can ignore and possibly delete. However, there is the advantage of the curiosity or the desire to find out what is contained therein in the text.

If you call, she might hang up. But sending a text can send the intended message. However, don't appear desperate or needy.

Let her know how much you love her and how much she means to you. Let her know you're waiting for her. After you send the text, don't bother her with another one. Continue on with your life. If she responds positively you're lucky. If not, you'll have to move on with your life. The reason is simple: you can't force someone to love you if she doesn't.

Well, you can call her. If she picks up start with greetings then ask her if you can meet to talk when she's free. If she accepts, good. If not, send her a text message.

Question: My boyfriend texted me and told me that he wanted time to find himself and he still likes me. He said he hopes to continue what we had in the future but I feel like he’s just trying not to hurt me. Does he still like me or is he just trying to make me feel better?

Answer: He wants you to feel better. He doesn't want to hurt you. Like I stated before don't count on the future because you don't know how the future will be like. He might like you but does he love you?

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me. I know I made terrible mistakes. I was too harsh on him. And yet I found out he's chatting with someone before our breakup. What should I do? Should I give him space or should I win him back? How will I know if there's still a chance that will be together again?

Answer: In relationships, we need to accommodate each others' mistakes because we are not perfect. Thus, we should forgive each other and give each other another chance. However, when a partner isn't willing or doesn't bother to correct his/her mistakes, it is usually wise to bring the relationship to an end because it will no longer be a thriving and healthy relationship.

The fact you found out he was chatting with someone in a manner that wasn't normal, then he was being unfaithful to you. In such a situation, when a partner realizes her boyfriend is cheating on her, she might not react positively. Thus, the reason you were harsh on him.

What you need to do now is to give him space. Not only him but also yourself. Why not send him a message that you are terribly sorry for how you reacted and you want this to come to an end. Let him know you love him and you will be waiting for him. Then, exercise no contact rule - do not communicate with him for a minimum of two weeks as it will give him the space he needs. After more than 2 weeks you can decide what next move to take as you will have reflected on the relationship. For instance, if he does not respond during the silent period you may call him. When you do so he may have cooled down which is a good indicator the relationship will be renewed.

If he responds during the silent period it is a good indicator he wants to continue with the relationship.

Question: I was in a relationship with my girlfriend for five years before she broke up with me through a text. What should I do?

Answer: If you haven't responded, take your time before responding. Ask her why she has ended the relationship. From there you can deduce whether to try to get her back or not.

She might reply or not. If she doesn't reply, don't bother. If you had responded, don't continue conversing with her if her response isn't positive. You need to employ no contact rule.

Exercise no contact rule, not communicating with her in whatsoever way, for four weeks. During this time you'll have let the healing process begin its course, had enough time to reflect on the relationship and know whether you would want her back in your life.

After the no-contact period if she doesn't respond then contact her. Start with a 'hello' text and build on it. Don't jump into the relationship issues right away. If she responds talk in general terms and not frequently. From her responses, you'll know whether there's a chance of getting together.

Or, after a month you can send her a text wishing her all the best and that she'll find a man after her heart. This is after you'd reflected on the relationship and arrived at the decision to move on with your life or her responses are not inviting.

Question: He says he no longer loves me or feels any love for me anymore and has asked me not to hold onto the relationship. What should I do after my boyfriend told me he no longer loves me?

Answer: I apologize for taking long in responding. It is evident he no longer has any feelings for you. I am not sure what contributed to this but it is difficult to get him to love you in the same manner he used to love you before the feelings for you began fading away. The best you can do is to exercise No Contact Rule. You should cease no contact with him for a certain period. I have written a topic on that subject. The benefits of exercising no contact are to enable you to heal from the pain you're experiencing, to enable you to reflect on the relationship and to assist you in staying strong. At the end of the no-contact period, you'll have a clear picture whether it's worth trying to get him back or you should move on with your life without him. Although it's evident there is no use in trying to make the relationship work or to make you love the same way he used to, it is important to exercise no contact for your own well-being.

Question: I am in a long distance relationship. I am a Filipina and he is Italian. We became friends for half a year before we met in person. He came here for 2 weeks and we had a great time together. After getting back to his place, we are still in contact for 5 months, but as time passes by it seems that he's breaking up with me because of the distance. How do I react?

Answer: I don't know if both of you are financially stable or in your case because it seems from the relationship, you're the one who has to go to Italy to stay with him permanently. If both of you are not financially stable, it might be hard for him to be patient enough to wait till the time you'll be together.

The best you can do is to tell him that both of you need to work out on how you can be together e.g find out how much it costs to travel to his country, the cost of gaining a visa and so on.

However, if it appears it will be difficult to be together very soon then you'll have to accept the relationship is over. This is because he has already given up the patience to wait for how long it takes for the two of you to be together. If it's the case, you'll have to let him know that you truly loved him but because the distance has made him break up with you there's nothing you can do but accept the fact though it hurts a lot.

Question: Two weeks after he broke up with me, I sat down and thought about everything, and I then gave him a call and told him that I am grateful for all the wonderful times we had. He treated me right during the period we dated, it was just his leaving that I don't agree with. I respect it, yes. My question is, was I weak to give him a call and thank him? Did I do the right thing?

Answer: You did the right thing. You weren't weak in calling him since you didn't call to plead or beg him to come back but to thank him for everything. I understand for him to leave you is what you don't agree with. However, responding positively is for your benefit as shown in the article. It will aid you in getting focused on what to do or not.

Question: My girlfriend promises me that she will never come back to me, but I want her back. What have I to do to get her back?

Answer: First, you have to know the reason why she doesn't want to get back with you. If the reason is justified, it will be hard to get her back. Sometimes, when people decide on something they never look back.

Stop any communication with her for a minimum period of two weeks., and then contact her afterward. If she responds during the no contact period or responds positively after ending the no contact, then you'll have her back in your arms.

You should take your time to reflect on the broken relationship, and change what might have led her run away from you. You shouldn't force her to come back with frequent calls and texts. You'll only aggravate the matter as you'll turn out as bothersome or irritating. Give her some space then contact her after a period of time.

Question: I dated a guy, and later on, he cheated on me. I got hurt but I didn't say anything. My reaction was so severe or negative at that time because I was very angry. He said it was over. I was stressed for five months while he was busy in a relationship with his new love. Now he wants us to meet. He even comes to my home. What should I do because all I feel is pain when I see him?

Answer: First thing, he was rude to you by dumping you when you found out he was unfaithful in the relationship. Now that the relationship with his new love did not go well, he has come back and visits you to show you are still the one he loves.

Yes, you love him, but you need to take it slow. You need time to heal and to ponder or think things through. Would you want to continue in the relationship with a man who dumped you for another woman? Are you strong enough to continue in the relationship?

You need to stop seeing each other. You should stop communicating with him unless it's an emergency. You need to stop him from visiting you at your home or tell him to cease visiting you. This means you need to exercise no contact rule. When there is no communication between the two of you, it will allow the healing process to begin. You cannot get back in the previous relationship while still in pain. It will lead to more heartbreaks. You need time to heal and to be strong to stand on your two feet. Also, you need to know whether it is sensible to get back with him or forget about him and move on with your life.

Thus let him know you do not want to communicate with him for some time and the two of you should stop seeing each other for some time. If he asks why, tell him to think things through, to ponder and to heal from the wound he inflicted in your heart and to find the strength to move on. At the end of the no-contact period, a month is preferable, you would know which direction to head to, and the pain will have lessened.

Question: Is it wise to send a goodbye note after he ends a 5-month old relationship?

Answer: Yes, it is wise. This is for your own benefit as it will aid you in moving on. It is a positive mentality, it shows you have accepted his ending the relationship and that you will not get stuck; you will move on with your life. Lastly, you want to thank him for the 5 months you have been together.

Question: My boyfriend broke up with me right before my birthday through text. It really hurts me. He said that we are not suitable for each other. But I still can't accept it because I still love him. What should I do?

Answer: Don't talk to him anymore. Don't contact him in whatsoever manner. For now, you'll have to stop loving him.

He told you were not suitable for each other. He has not only wasted your time but has hurt you in the process. He should have known you're not suitable for each other before not during the relationship.

You need to accept even though you love him, you've to move on with your life. Maybe he will contact you or not. If he doesn't don't beat yourself. Don't plead. Just move on with your life.

Question: What should I do if my boyfriend wants to breakup over a little problem?

Answer: You should let him have his way. If he can't sit down with you to solve the little problems, what about when large problems manifest? Again, it's evident your boyfriend wants a perfect relationship which as we know doesn't exist. Every relationship has a problem. Lastly, you should find out why he wants to breakup over a little problem. It might be he wants to find a reason to breakup with you for a number of reasons. Maybe he no longer has strong feelings for you or is tired of the relationship.

I have come to learn in life, you can't force someone to stay in a relationship when he doesn't. If he does, he'll complicate the relationship because his heart is no longer in the relationship.

Question: I was in a six-month relationship and we broke up because I was so mad at him when he went out with his friends on club nights. He said he couldn't do it anymore, I'm too young for serious relationship. What should I do?

Answer: You should take some time to reflect on various things pertaining to the relationship. Take one or two weeks and reflect on the relationship. When you are married, would you be comfortable with your husband going to nightclubs on some days especially on weekends? If you will not feel comfortable then you need to let him know you love him but you don't feel okay with him going to nightclubs. Right now, do you feel comfortable with him going to nightclubs even if you love him so much?

Stop thinking of whether you love him. You should think about whether you will be comfortable and whether you will tolerate it. In this instance, you aren't too young for a serious relationship but sensible enough to notice whether you are up to it - will tolerate the act.

If you are comfortable with the act, you should contact him a week or two and let him know you had been thinking about what he said, you acted irrationally and apologize; the reason you took some time before contacting him.

Don't contact him for a week or two and think whether you will be comfortable with it or not.

Question: We broke up 3 weeks ago. He said he wanted space to work on himself. Yesterday, I texted him thanking him for the memories we had together. He also texted back thanking me for helping him become a better person. Is there a possibility of us coming back together?

Answer: It's good you handled the breakup well. There is a possibility of getting back together but don't depend on it wholly. Since he wants space to work on himself, the outcome might be positive for you or not. You might reunite or he might decide to find love somewhere else.

Move on with your life. Do your things. Concentrate on your life. Don't think about him and fight the temptation to contact him or go through his social profiles. If it ever happens, he might call. If not, know he has moved on. Don't waste your time waiting for him. The future will tell. You might find a new love but don't hurry to be in a relationship.

Question: My fiance broke up with me accusing me of being promiscuous. He went on to say he has found a 22-year old girl and said she has fresh p***. I'm 31 & he's 42. After that he despised me. He even called me an off layer. He said I have loose p***. I became furious and said filthy things. He said I crossed the line. He gave me faults, yet he started it. What can I do next?

Answer: I would advise to stop any contact and take care of yourself first. Your boyfriend was doing all he can to find a common ground which he can base his decision to get rid of you. Accusing you of things you don't do, despising you by comparing you to others is an indication he is tired being in a relationship with you. I can't say that man truly loved you. He doesn't deserve you because he doesn't appreciate and respect you. Please, stop any contact with him, try to never mind him and move on your with life. You deserve it because you deserve a man who cherishes you. He is not of any worth to you.

Question: What if my boyfriend broke up with me and calls me a slut or mean names and is a jerk to me?

Answer: You just leave him alone. You stop any communication with him. That is not a guy to be in relationship with if he can't act maturely considering he ended the relationship. His lack of controlling his tongue clearly paints a picture of how the relationship was like. Move on.

Question: We have been in a relationship for about a week, and he just texted me to say that he is no longer interested. Right now I am madly in love with him. What should I do?

Answer: For your boyfriend to have broken up with you for a very short time shows how he's inconsiderate of you. That is a man you wouldn't want to get back to. As much as you love him, you will have to forget him and move on with your life. No need for pleading or begging for him to come back. Don't try to get him back because he doesn't treasure you. You deserve better.

Question: My boyfriend impregnated another woman. I was devasted, but I said I still love him and I’m willing to support him having to support another woman’s baby. He also said he loves me more but he feels guilty and sorry for the other woman and the baby in her womb. He decided to break up with me. I feel like I need to fight for this relationship. What should I do or say to him?

Answer: It is a lost battle. Consider the fact that he is expecting a new-born baby. He will be a father. It means a lot to him if he loves you more than the other woman he would have supported them financially while staying in the relationship with you. Again, he is already a family man.

If you want to support him in supporting his expectant girlfriend is to tell him that you love him and it hurts that he has left you for another woman. Let him know you will assist him in supporting the woman and the child. Do not plead.

But as I said before, it will be difficult to get him back. There is nothing you can do to convince him apart from showing him how much you love him, how you had envisioned the two of you together till death, and you enjoy your relationship with him.

Question: I was in a four-year relationship. He broke up with me because he does not want to be in the relationship anymore. The situation is really difficult for me because we have been living together and still are until he finds a place to stay. I’m really devastated and didn’t see it coming this way. I feel like everything around me doesn’t make sense without him in my life. How can I make it through this breakup?

Answer: You can heal and recover from the breakup. You can get through the breakup.

The first step is to admit your ex isn't everything. You can live your life without your ex. In time, the feelings you have for your ex will start dwindling. In less than three months, you will have moved on with your life.

The situation you're living now isn't conducive to ensure you heal and recover from the breakup. You can't be living together when you're no longer in the relationship. This is because the more you see him the more you're hurt when you realize you're no longer together. In such a situation, you'll become depressed.

You have to talk to him about what to do about the situation of the two of you still staying together. You have to let him know that the two of you staying together is affecting you negatively. He can stay with a friend until he gets a place of his own.

I have written an article which guides a person how to heal and recover from a breakup. It's called 'Steps to Heal and Recover from a Breakup.'

After he moves out, don't contact him nor receive his call/reply to his texts. Don't accept to become close friends. You should act as casual friends. You should not keep some of his things in your room. Unfriend him from social media accounts and delete/tear or store his pictures far away. This is to enable you to heal and recover from the breakup.

Every time you think about him, snap out of the thought. Tell yourself that you're no longer in the relationship with him whenever you think of him.

Search for this article 'Steps to Heal and Recover from a Breakup.' It will instruct you how to get through the breakup.

I pray you will get through the breakup. Remember, your ex has to find a place very soon or stay with a friend of his. His continuing staying in your room will only aggravate the situation.

Question: What should I do? My boyfriend dumped me after 8 months of being in a relationship, 4 days before my birthday, and 2 weeks before sitting for my state Exams license. I was depressed and failed exams licensees. I tried to move on. I haven't heard much from him for 5 weeks and now he texts me and asks how I’m doing. What should I do and what are his motives?

Answer: I'm sorry to hear you failed your exams as a result of the breakup and how depressing it was celebrating your birthday. Your boyfriend has texted you to know if you've moved on. Have you moved on are you still longing for him? Again he wants to find out if from your response there is a chance of getting back. His motive might be genuine by finding out if the breakup affected you negatively (though it's hardly the case), or it might be mockery when he finds out from your response it has been hard for you to move on or wants to know if there's a chance to get back together.

So, what should you do? Though it's hard to move on after a breakup, it's possible. I would advise you reply to him that you're not fine because his dumping you hurt you to the point you were depressed, which you are, and as a result of depression, you failed your exams. But, let him know you'll be fine because you're moving on with your life. Even though it's hard to move on you'll make it.

After you've replied don't reply to another text he sends. If you do so, you'll long for him which will increase the hurt and depression. You'll find it hard to move on. Maybe he was sorry for dumping you. It doesn't matter. You have to move on with your life. I have written an article on how to heal and recover from a breakup. Read it on how you can move on after a breakup. Don't forget to thank him for everything and wish him all the best. Don't work on reviving the relationship because it will revive the the pain which will affect you negatively as you might develop acute depression. Maybe several months or years after you've healed completely you'll know if it's okay to reunite but not now when you're hurting.

Question: Out of the blue, I decided to break up with my boyfriend of 7 months. As soon as I said it, I regretted. I wasn’t myself. It was going through a difficult time. How do I get him back or make him trust me again after I broke his heart?

Answer: You have to arrange with him when to meet to explain why you made that decision. It will be difficult for your boyfriend to accept your invitation because of the pain he is feeling as a result of your decision.

Call him. If he doesn't answer send him a text. Tell him it hurts you that you hurt him by making a rash decision. Let him know why you made the decision. Let him know what you were going through and how it affected the decision which you regret.

Let him know you love him. Ask for forgiveness and another chance. Let him know you are waiting for his response.

If he doesn't respond, wait a few days before you call or send him a final text asking for another chance. Again, let him know that you love him and you're patiently waiting for him. Don't beg again because you will only infuriate, annoy and hurt him the more.

If he doesn't want to get back with you, wait for more than a week before you try for the last time.

If things don't go well, it's time to accept the relationship is over. It's time to move on.

Question: I was in a 2-years relationship with my boyfriend. Suddenly, he blocked me and even If I tried from another opportunity to gain access to him, he blocked me. I don't want to leave him. What should I do?

Answer: You should leave him even though you don't want to do so. Unless you did something that warranted his behaviour, you should leave him and move on.

He blocks you without a reason. You try another way but he still blocks you. He hasn't given you a reason why he doesn't want any more interaction with you.

This is a clear sign he no longer wants to be in the relationship with you. He no longer has any feelings for you. It might be he has found another lover.

I suggest you move on with you. This person doesn't respect or think you're important in his life. Don't waste your time. Move on.

It's difficult to move on but it's the right thing to do.

Question: My ex-boyfriend recently came to see me on his birthday to ask who I'm dating, could it be he wants me back?

Answer: Not really. That is a kind of behavior that's common in many dumpers who ended the relationship because they reunited with their ex or had found another partner. He wants to know how you're fairing, whether you've moved on. By asking whether you're dating someone, he wants to find out if you've moved on. Or, to find out which man 'stole' your heart. Again, to see whether he could take advantage of you.

I wouldn't advise you to reunite if he asks. First, he didn't tell you he had gone back to his ex. Second, it will repeat itself. It's evident he's feelings for his ex.

Question: If the lady you want to date or marry enters in arguments with you and later says "give me space," does it mean you've lost her?

Answer: Not necessarily. She wants to have space to think a lot of things pertaining to the relationship and you. She wants to analyze the relationship and find out if it's alright to continue with the relationship or not. The decision she comes up after reflecting on the connection will determine the direction of the relationship. She might call you and discuss various things about the relationship, or, she might tell you, either through call or SMS, that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.

Sometimes people ask for space so that they can regain the peace of mind and heart resulting from the relationship, and regain energy they lost in the relationship. In rare cases, she might not text or call you to tell you she no longer wants to continue in the relationship with you. This is after reflecting on the relationship and finding no need to let you where she stands.

Thus, you should give her ample time before contacting her.

Question: I was in a relationship for 14 years. Now, my boyfriend blocked me and can't talk to me. I love him a lot. Please, tell me what should I do?

Answer: Your boyfriend blocking your calls might have resulted from something you did to him which he didn't like. Something might have contributed to it.

You should find out why he blocked you. If you did something that angered him, you will need to apologise.

Since he has blocked your calls, find other alternative ways e.g. through social media or text him. You should ask for forgiveness but don't pressure him to respond. Give him time to respond. If he hasn't responded, wait for some few days then text him and arrange to meet if it is possible.

Don't startle him by visiting his place. Don't rush things. He will get annoyed and avoid you.

Question: I feel so bad about this situation. We were just getting to know each other, there was no problem. It seemed we liked each other. So apart from not understanding what went wrong I do not know what to do. I do like this guy but I can't stand with such behaviour of disappearing . What should I do?

Answer: He applied what I call 'silent treatment.' He didn't tell you why he no longer wants to be in the relationship. He just disappears without letting you know where he stands in the relationship - in or out of it.

Four weeks is less time to build emotional bonding. In your case, you had started becoming emotionally bonded to him. But, it seemed there was more than what he said about his job worrying him.

You are hurt, you still long for him but the guy doesn't seem to respond to you. Instead, he ceases any communication with you.

I suggest you exercise no contact rule. Don't try to contact him in whatever way. Trying to get someone who just left the relationship without telling you is difficult.

You should go on with your life. Move on. It's hard but it's the only thing left. He wasn't considerate of letting you know he doesn't want to be in the relationship and providing the reason why.

It might be he was no longer interested in the relationship or maybe he found another significant one. It might be hard to know what went wrong if you didn't do anything to make him to behave in such a manner.

Just move on and you will find another man.

Question: He went back to his ex without breaking up with me. He's been avoiding me till I spoke to him. He couldn't explain himself better, all he said is I said something to him which means I asked for a break up and we were so cool till he disappeared. I blocked him on social media and he asked me to unblock him which I did not and he tells people we are dating while I see him with his ex girlfriend every day. Please is there a probability that he wants me back?

Answer: It is just playing the right card at the right time. It fails on the other side expect to be approached. It doesn't make sense he has gone back to his ex and still want open communication with you. The social media act as evidence he's still with you.

I wouldn't think it's wise to accept him back to your life when he comes. Why does he want to communicate with you when he is another relationship? Again, why say you asked for a breakup when you didn't.

He will come when it doesn't go well on the other side. Social media acts as a channel to convince his friends he's still with you because of liking and commenting to each other's status and so on.

Please think whether it'll be alright to have h back when he comes back. You need to reflect and arrive at a desirable situation whether to go move on with your life or not.

Question: My boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with me over the phone and he wanted to be friends. What do I do?

Answer: You can't be instant friends after breaking up. In fact you need to be casual friends but not now; several months or years after you've moved on. For now, cease any communication with your ex. Work on yourself, focus on yourself. You shouldn't look behind. Read an article I wrote, steps to heal and recover from a breakup.

Question: My boyfriend has suddenly stopped responding to my calls and messages and tells me he’s “feeling down." Despite me voicing my support and help if he needs it, he still continues to be distant. I feel like he is going to break up with me or at least wants to but is avoiding the whole situation and ignoring me instead. How can I move on if he’s not going to formally say or do something and should I hold out hope he will be mature and break up instead of leaving me in the dark?

Answer: Exercising the no contact rule is the best option in aiding you to move on. Some people exercise silence; not sending/calling or responding to the texts or calls, otherwise known as "the cold shoulder" as a means of ending a relationship. That is what your boyfriend is trying to accomplish by being 'distant.'

You can hold on the hope he will be mature to break up with you but for how long?

The following is a tactic I used in two different situations when my girlfriends exercised cold shoulder. I stopped communicating with them for a month. In any case, it was a waste of time as they did not bother or find the need to reply to my texts. After a month, I texted them with the question of whether the relationship was over or not. They replied on the same day I sent the text that the relationship said was over, and they were seeing another man.

After a month of not communicating with your ex, ask him if he wants to break up with you then he should say so because that is what you feel and you will accept that decision. Another thing, if during the no-contact period he does not converse with you then he does not want to break up with you in a mature manner. He wants you to know what his silence implies.

While you might ask him now whether he is thinking of breaking up with you, the probability of getting a Yes answer is difficult. Wait after a month of not communicating with him because he does not want to talk to you why bother to talk back to him. The no-contact period will assist you in gaining the strength which will enable you to move on.

Question: My girlfriend broke up with me so I moved on. My question is why she would continue to text me that she misses me, she can't and hates being apart from me then starts blaming me and pointing out my flaws. So I replied with "You left me" then she continues to insult me. And then tells me that she has a date tomorrow. I don't get it, I didn't insult her. I left her alone just as she asked of me. Why did she do that? Am I wrong for respecting her wishes? I'm hurt and confused.

Answer: What your girlfriend is exhibiting is withdrawal symptoms. This is commonly displayed by dumpers.

She dumped. You acted cool. You were calm. You told as she wishes you'll respect her decision. You moved on with your life. She expected you would beg. You would plead. You would ask her for reconciliation, that she would come back to your life.

Your lack of response and that you seemed to deal with the breakup in a positive way got into her. While you moved on, she didn't. While you healed and recovered, she hasn't yet healed. Thus, the emotions she's displaying is, as a result, you're well off while she's struggling with her emotions. The 'I miss you,' the insulting and the blaming are a result of the fact she hasn't gotten over the breakup despite the fact she's the one who ended the relationship. As of her telling you she has a date the next day might be true or not. In most cases it's not. She wants you to know she's doing fine, she's over the relationship and you, she has a man in her life thus everything is going well in her life which isn't true.

I call it withdrawal effect because she's begun exhibiting signs related to a breakup or end of a relationship or the fact she's no longer in relationship with you.

I hope this lengthy answer provides you with an idea what goes on on a dumper's mind though it's not exhibited by all dumpers.

Question: I took pictures in under clothes and bra and sent it to my boyfriend. He broke up with me. What should I do?

Answer: Your boyfriend might have felt repulsed by sending a half-naked picture of you to him. He should have told you about it instead of breaking up with you.

Send him a text or call him (if he'll pick up the call) and tell him you didn't know he was repelled to such kind of a photo. Apologize. If he doesn't respond or responds negatively, cease any contact with him for two weeks.

If he doesn't respond during no contact or you contact him after two weeks but doesn't respond or responds negatively; you'll have to give up the relationship. It will be time to move on because it might be there's a deeper reason he broke up with you and not necessarily because you sent him such a photo.

Question: One day when I woke up in the morning I saw a message from my girlfriend telling me she's breaking up with me without any reason. I tried her number several times but she never picked up my calls. It's 5 years now since the break up but I'm still hurt whenever I remember the memories. I still can't go on in life taking a new partner; I'm still single because I'm afraid of another break up. What is your take?

Answer: It's sad your girlfriend broke up with you without any reason. I know you want a long-term partner. You want to have your own family. But, you can't dream of a future family when you're afraid to test the depth of a stream once again.

Hurt is inevitable. You can't run from it, but you can minimize it. I have undergone more than four relationships. In all of them, I was dumped in ridiculous ways. I felt like you did. I don't want to be in another relationship because I don't want to get hurt again. But, I learned not to allow hurt to continue its course in my life.

The most important thing is not of you'll be hurt again but how to deal with the hurt. In today's world, it takes more than two to three breakups to settle with a life partner. Even in relationships and marriages, hurt will always exist. Your partner will hurt you consciously or deliberately even in marriages and vice versa.

Don't be afraid to engage in another relationship. I have written an article on how to heal and recover from a breakup. It has take you a very long time to heal. You should have healed a few months after the breakup. Let not what happened last year affect or impede you from doing what you desire because you're afraid of how the past treated you.

Stop thinking about your ex. Unfriend or block her from your social media accounts. Store away her photos or tear them or delete them if they're on your phone or computer. Let not the memory of your ex take control of you. Learn to let go so you can enjoy your life.

Question: Whenever we were together I would always think of our future.

He always told me not to think about the future and that I should live in the present moment. It was clear that he wasn't going to stay in the future. I still miss him but I won't tell it to him. We don't talk anymore. We don't follow each other on social media. What should I do?

Answer: You should move on with your life. It does hurt and his view you should live in the present not the future. While a relationship is built in the present, it is destined for the future. If there is no future in the relationship then the relationship is useless.

Don't tell him how much you love and miss him. Let him not know how you feel because he is no longer in your life.

You will get over the breakup. You will be back on your foot. Forget about him. Don't be angry at him. Don't hate him. Forgive him. Don't entertain thoughts about him.

After a month has passed, send him a short text thanking him for everything and wishing him all the best. Whether he responds or not shouldn't be your concern. Even if he replies don't respond.

I advise that you shouldn't get back together in whatever circumstance.

© 2016 Alianess Benny Njuguna


Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on February 24, 2021:

Hello, Ysa. I'm not sure if I had responded to your comment. If I didn't I apologize. The comments were disabled, and are not yet fully functional.

I'm not sure which decision you undertook. If you haven't asked him to delete the account, you should so. If you're able to delete it yourself, inform him of your decision to delete it, and why you're doing that.

Ysa on September 07, 2020:

Hello Ben, i forget its limited character only.to make my letter short,he sent me message to sooth my feelings and at the same time to say goodbye..i havent reply yet until now.do i have to reply at all or continue to ignore.when i check the secret app we have he still checking on it..i dont want to pretend or hide my feelings,im still tempted to ask him to comeback to me and whatever circumstances i will accept becoz i love him.but on the other side of my brain it keeps holding me not to do so and just leave.should i tell him to delete the secret the account so there nothing that will connect us.but im afraid to say becoz im still in denial becoz i can still feel that he still loves me and wants me in his life. Help me pass this pain.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 07, 2020:

It is usually difficult for many individuals to part peacefully with their exes. However, as you've noted, responding positively to a situation enables a person to take control of their lives (not allowing others to dictate how you should live).

By respond positively, the end result is that both of you parted ways in a peaceful manner. In turn, it'll take a shorter time to heal and recover from the breakup.

Now, you've to work out to ensure the healing process begins so that you're able to recover from the break-up.

I wrote an article how to heal and recover from a breakup. It's called 'Steps to Healing and Recovery from a Breakup.'

I wish you a quick recovery, Ysa. It should take less than a month to forget about your ex and move on with your life.

Ysa on September 07, 2020:

Thank you Ben.I keep reading your advise as a mantra.since the last time i sent him messages and told him i will leave him alone for him to find his happiness with his wife.its 4 days already after that.. the same day when he replied to me with this message.

(((""""Uk u will be always my love, u will have a special place on my heart. Thank you for all those good times 2gether, for your love, for teaching me so many things, Thank You My baby. I hope we meet in another life again but that time b4 we meet anyone so we can expend our life 2gether and all our plans becomes true. Ill pray for us so we can find our happiness in this life and if we meet in this life or another i Will always love you baby. We have good and bad times but the most wss that we love each other, that was real not a dream or just an ordinary love. I wish u with all my heart happiness and love, u r taking with u a piece of my heart. Ill will pray for u every day baby. And as u said, for the last time, i too love u so much

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 05, 2020:

@Ysa, there are several reasons why he's behaving in such a manner.

1. He wants to use you as an emotional support. When things don't work well in his marriage, he'll turn to you so that you can offer him the emotional support he needs.

2. He misses you because his feelings for you are still strong.

3. He doesn't want to lose you. He wants to have both sides of the world.

You've to stop him from reaching out to you. You should let him know that he has a life of hi ms own and you've yours.

If you want to move on, you've stop any communication with him, especially the private one which both of you created.

Don't let him use you for his own benefit or to console himself.

Make a stop to it, and you're ready to go.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 05, 2020:

@Arrows, thank you. As you've noted, the no contact has assisted you seeing the full picture concerning your ex. She wants to use you as her emotional support.

You've to put a boundary between you and her in not communicating with her again. When things don't work on her side, she runs to you for an emotional support. She's abusing you. It's time you stop her by not replying to her texts or received her calls.

Ysa on September 04, 2020:

Before that 4 hrs nightmare of my life that i have slept everything is good.We say i love to each other until he reach his wife house where his kids was there,he played with his kids and he message me his happy,until agter 4 minutes of sending me a happy message.The next mesgs i read was he is saying goodbye,sorry he was wrong he cant leave his kids and they make him happy.he wish me goodluck and he wish we met before.and thank u.Thats it he block me to all apps.aside from 1 app that we created when time comes like his wife will check his phone.the same day he check if i mesgs him there.from the day he leave me until now he keeps checking that private app we have.he replied to my message send me love emojis.why he is acting like that if he decided to leave me.why dint he deleted that app and keep checking and replying to my mesgs. I want to move on from the pain that he gave me,he made so much promises about everything.only to leave me alone.we have a less than 4 mos.relationship but it feels we been together for 10 yrs.he even told me he always remember me.

Arows on August 31, 2020:

Thanks Ben! My last comment didn't upload fully.

I don't think she wants to be back with me again cause she doesn't talk about it at all.. Her reaching out to me is all about her! She says she made mistake with me that she could have set boundaries cause of the religion differences and now it's affecting her..blah blah!! She wants me around but not as a lover again. She wants to be using me as emotional support. I asked her if we can get back and she said NO she likes me not loving me and I believe that...It's 3 months plus now. I learnt a lot from no contact. She is already with another guy but she said she doesn't know if she loves him she is scared and all that..i have accepted the defeat from her just from time to time, I think about her even though I was treated badly..yesterday was her birthday and I sent her text around 8pm there about..thanks ben! You have been a helper

Arows on August 31, 2020:

..She is been reaching out and still telling me it shouldn't cloud our judgment

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on August 30, 2020:

@Arrows, it is evident she wants to get back in the relationship. As you had said earlier, she ended the relationship because of the religion difference.

But, you shouldn't get back too fast. The religion issue needs to be solved before the two of you think of getting back.

Another thing is that you're still hurt. You haven't healed and recovered from the breakup. Your ex too has issues - depression and having suicidal thoughts.

In this case, you should become a friend to her. The two of you shouldn't jump directly into a relationship. It will just cause more friction in the friendship.

Be friends. Not platonic friends. It's at this friendship stage you'll know whether you should continue on with the relationship or not.

In any case, by helping her as a friend because you know her very much, you'll be helping yourself also.

Arows on August 30, 2020:

Thanks Ben! Since the last 2 times I commented here, have been ok with no contact but I really relapsed often time and then I be fine again..and that's when i get texts from her letting her be...few days ago she texted me about her being depressed and kinda suicidal. She never mentioned if she was sorry about it all...all she kept saying was she can't focus and having relationship with is affecting her now...i just be speechless cause the height of negativity is beyond my comprehension...all am a Muslim and she knows...

She is been reaching out and still telling me it shouldn't cloud our judgment

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on August 29, 2020:

@Shanzay, your boyfriend told you to be friends instead of lovers because of his parents' opinion. If this man truly loves you, he would tell them that he loves you and wants to marry you. Instead, he sided with them.

No matter the suggestion any other person, yourself or I give you will change his reflection about you - he doesn't want to be in relationship with you.

It's true he has feelings for you, and loves you. But hi attitude towards you as a result of his parents knowing about the relationship is not acceptable.

Shanzay on August 28, 2020:

My bfs parents find out our relationship and he said me on a text that we can be just friends nothing much.. What should I do to keep him attractive towards me and how can I make him to love me

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on August 24, 2020:

I'm glad to hear that, Arrow. It's not easy but with perseverance and determination, you'll heal and recover. Just don't lose the hope. And, don't try to relieve the past. And please, find in your heart the need to forgive her an yourself. This is the most important element in allowing healing to commence and eventual recovery.

Arows on August 22, 2020:

Thanks Benny!! It's hard but an moving

Arows on August 04, 2020:

Hello Benny! Aww thanks for your kind words

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on August 03, 2020:

I'm grateful to hear that, Dave.

Davegusain on August 03, 2020:

Its really was so helpful for me☺

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on July 29, 2020:

@Arrows, I sympathize with you. I have been in that road. I know how it feels.

Your emotional state has been worsened by lack of a job. Losing the woman you love to another man and having no job makes life worthless to live.

However, it doesn't need to be the case. You can get over the breakup. You shouldn't let it dictate your destiny. Not having a job is another problem. I can feel for you too pertaining to this. I don't have a job but am pressing on, knowing I will get one sooner. Keep on looking for a job, even on the Internet. Don't give up on finding a job.

And, most importantly, don't give up on yourself.

Recovering from the breakup can only happen when you allow the healing process to begin its cause. This entails accepting the fact that your lady is no longer yours - she's with another man. It's painful to admit it but it's the only way of emphasizing to the heart that it needs to forget her, and move on with life.

Look back before you met her. You were living your life. Therefore, her not being in your life shouldn't be a sign it's the end of you. True, she wasted your time . You would have gotten married to another woman. But, it has happened. You can't rewind things back.

You've to stop immersing yourself in sex and alcohol. You aren't dealing with the issue. You're just escaping from the pain. You've to face the pain however hurtful it is.

It will take time to heal and recover. It might take between 6-12 months because of how long you've been together. But, persevere through determination to come out of the breakup in one piece.

It took me six months to heal and recover from the first breakup because of the duration of the relationship and how strong I was emotionally bonded to her.

Remind yourself that many people have recovered from their breakups, so can you. Remind yourself that a person can't decide how you should live your life, or end it.

You see, you're allowing your ex to control your mind. By thinking about her, wishing, and hoping she'll return; you're letting her take control of your life.

Delete her contacts. Block her from your social media accounts. Fight the urge to contact her.

You'll have to find in your heart the need to forgive her. This will release the bitterness and hatred you have for her. And, don't pray God to bring her back. Pray to God to give you the strength to come out of the breakup in one piece. Pray to God to heal you, and allow His peace to reign in your life. Hold on to God, and you'll see His power working through you.

I have undergone more than four breakups. I know how it feels. You can make it. You won't recover in a shorter time. Nonetheless, when you purpose to do something then you'll see its accomplishment. Be determined to heal and recover from the breakup.

Don't contact her anymore. Work on finding a job. Don't look back or try thinking about the relationship. Don't jump in another relationship.

I have written two articles that might also help you: What are the rules and benefits of no contact rule, and Steps to Healing and Recovery from a breakup.

Let me know how you progress.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on July 28, 2020:

@Ama, I had replies to your comment but noted today that my response wasn't published. I apologize for that error.

Your ex ended the relationship because he didn't want to hurt you anymore. Instead of breaking up with you, he should have provided a room for both of you to discuss about it. And since the relationship is too young, it was easy for him to end it. I can understand his decision to do so but it wasn't an appropriate response to your concern.

If you desire to have him back in your life, there is still a chance. I suspect you haven't communicated since the break-up. If that's the case, you can contact him and try to explain what you meant. The silent period will have served as a reflective moment for both of you.

Looking on the other side of the coin, breaking up with you in such a short period raises several questions: Does he really love you? How could he have broken up with you that easily? Why didn't he try to understand what you meant? Thus, you need to reflect on the relationship, as short as it was, and decide whether you'd like to continue with it or not.

Some breakups like yours are, at most, easy to mend. Also, considering that it was a very short relationship. However, breaking up in such a shorter term paints a picture if the relationship was ever meant to be. If a person really loves you, he can't break up with you in such a short period of time.

Arows on July 28, 2020:

It's been 2 months now and I am still miserable no doubt. I can't move on. I have had tons of sex and all. Indulge in alcohol just to forget her, yet I relapse by calling her..the thought of her being with another man now and she couldn't have the guts to tell me rather she showed it in her actions, that thought of knowing her for so long and in the end, my value to her is nothing. She so de valued me...all of these thoughts are killing me inside ...i can't function well...am at the a point in my life that nothing makes sense....i mean losing her shouldn't be the worry but not having a good job too is messed up in my head. She quit me it was not a mutual break up, and now she is with another man and can't even tell me...her actions speaks well...how can I move on from a girl that emotionally cheated on me once, twice and now? What's my own problem? Everytime I reach her I end up getting hurt...she hardly calls me aside she wants something...why did we have know each other for this long? 2months and she is already happy and cool with the guy and I am here miserable and she knows and yet nothing! Nothing!!! Have tired no contact...i wish karma could take its course now ...she is ghosting me, making me feel very needy...what can I do to erase this girl out of my life Benny? I know my problem and I can't seem to work on it

Sometimes I consider ending my life. nothing seem to make sense again...am tired!

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on July 16, 2020:

@Anon, you've to let go. You've to stop contacting him. It appears rude and being inconsiderate, but it is the fact. The more you try to reach out to him, the more he gets irritated (annoyed). This is the reason why he is ignoring you.

You did what he had told you to do, and I'm sure you'd explained about your past and that the past doesn't have anything to do with the present. The fact is that you can't make or force him to trust you again or to reconcile. He has to deal with it, and dealing with it will produce two outcomes: reunite with you or break up with you forever.

You're only hurting yourself by trying hard to contact him. It's time to take a break from contacting him. It's hurting working in the same place with an ex. But you've to work on yourself. You need to allow yourself to heal from the breakup so that you can recover and move on. When possible, greet him. Don't talk about the two of you or the relationship. Don't think about him. If you're in the same team, talk about the task you're doing whenever possible.

Don't push yourself hard. You'll be dealing a blow on your self-esteem.

Ama on July 15, 2020:

I have been in a relationship for 3weeks and he ended the relationship recently today because he doesn’t understand me since I just asked him he wasn’t giving me much attention so there he said then let’s break up since he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings the more

ANON on July 14, 2020:





Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on July 01, 2020:

@Ope, you're welcome. Now, you know what next step to take - move on with your life.

No Contact doesn't always guarantee a person that by exercising it, it will enable them to get their ex back.

As you've noted, NC can reveal whether your ex is in another relationship or not. That's the power of NC rule.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on July 01, 2020:

@Pari, it would be better to ask her to give you time, of not contacting each other, about two weeks at a minimal, so that you can gain the strength to stand up on your feet - heal and recover from the breakup.

This is to arm you with the knowledge you're no longer in a relationship, but friends. What if being friends doesn't lead to a reunion.

Sometimes, exes ask for friendship to: escape pain, are afraid of losing their their ex-partners, they know they'll miss their exes so much, to avoid their exes feeling the pain that has resulted in them ending a relatively, a chance to see and hear from their exes. This doesn't always mean they want to test waters to determine if they can reunite with their exes. Sometimes, it is for convenience.

Pari on July 01, 2020:

My gf broke up but wants to be friends as of now and said maybe later we can be together

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on June 29, 2020:

@Arrows, during the no contact, you noted that: she would check your WhatsApp status, she wiped you out from her WhatsApp contacts and she appears to be recovering fast.

The last one is an indication that her feelings for you had begun dwindling a long time ago, maybe after the second breakup.

Her checking your WhatsApp status signifies that she was trying to find out (curious) whether you had recovered from the breakup and moving on. Or, she just missed you and by reading your statuses she's comforted.

Another concept to consider is that at times we phrase our prayers in the wrong manner. For instance, the prayer should have been, "God, is it your will for us to be together for life (married)?" Not, "Please, God restore our relationship," when it's not God's intention for both of you to be together.

The duration of the relationship and the number of breakups is a good indicator the relationship will fail if both you get reunited once again. Her reason for ending the relationship - religious differences - might be true or o cover up to the main reason. You should look back to the times you argued, what might have caused previous breakups to know whether religious differences played a role in the breakup or not. In any case, if it's because of differences in religion, she would have brought up that issue years back.

Many people forget that no contact is not always a guaranteed means of getting back an ex. It is to prepare a person to deal with a breakup in a positive manner. For the little time you exercised it, you noted several things which you wouldn't have of you hadn't employed it.

My advice is that you shouldn't try to get her back because another breakup is bound to occur. You have to move on with your life. You don't want to waste the rest of your life in a relationship that is filled with uncertainty.

My suggestion is to give yourself a month of not contacting her. After the period, contact her, not to plead for a reconciliation, but to wish her well.

Read an article I wrote about no contact that clearly explains it: What are the rules & benefits of no contact rule?

As much hurting as it is, and as much as you love her, you have to let go of her.

Ope on June 28, 2020:

Thank you Ben! I posted about being in 10years serious relationship with her and her 3rd time now of cutting me off. Thanks your reply and I had been on no contact since last week Monday but on Saturday last week, I relapsed and I got to know she is in another relationship and its just a month plus she dumped me. I just noticed her coldness and mean attitude to me. I told her we are not enemies and she is treating me like one. We have known each other for this long. Anyways she kept saying she needs to concentrate and focus that she is trying to be in another relationship now and she prays it works out for her. All text was through WhatsApp as she lives 9hours away from me. Distance came to play cause of working on different state.

I cried like a baby and why did I have to break my no contact since she wasn't checking on me..she wouldn't want me to know she is dating someone else as she never for once told me not yesterday. Every time I asked her, she says no she ain't. During my 6 days no contact, I guess turned things around...well it's all good...thanks Ben

Arows on June 27, 2020:

Am still in confusion state and I just don't know what to do. I have sleepless night over this and lack of concentration. My girl broke up with me and this 3rd time, it feels real. She doesnt contact till I did and I realized and stopped that. I have been on 6 days no contact with her but I notices somethngs about her and I can't help but think she is moving on so fast. She does check my WhatsApp status and I suddenly discovered that she private her last seen to be only her contacts and then now she deleted my number on her WhatsApp today since I wasn't online for almost 24hours. I love her no doubt and her all her behavior makes me sad ..we did almost everything together we had plans on getting married and now all is gone. She threw her 11 years of waiting for me away like that..i thought no contact helps. I needed it and I was ok not until I called her and she didn't pick up. She is 10 hours away from me and out distance just started due to where she works..i have prayed and prayed no sign other than she is doing all her best to let go of me..i didn't do her wrong. All she claim to be is religion differences after 11years? Am surprised and I don't want to lose her yet am left with no option. Advice me please

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on June 08, 2020:

@I'll be happy if someone kill me, don't kill yourself because your life is precious. Always remember there are many people who are going through what you underwent.

I have gone through more than three breakups. The first one hit me hard but I was able to heal and recover from the breakup.

Cry as much as you want. It's your body's way of dealing with the hurtful event that occurred to you.

Stop listening to depressing songs. I used to listen to sad love songs but they didn't assist me in dealing with the situation. They only made me feel more sad.

You should listen to uplifting and inspiring songs. Try to listen to songs that will cheer you.

If you have a close friend, ask her to delete the messages for you if it's difficult to do so.

You've to allow the healing process to begin so that you can recover from the breakup.

Remind yourself:

1. There are people who have undergone this and have recovered from their breakups. You can do it. You need to be determined.

2. That this breakup isn't the last one. Maybe you were never meant to be in it. You'll find your true-permanent partner in future.

3. That you should start taking care of yourself. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Stop blaming yourself by accepting if you were the cause of the breakup, you've repented of it, and won't repeat it.

Have a friend you trust to remind you that life is not all lost. Someone who can remind you that you still have a hopeful future.

I wrote an article: Steps to Healing & Recovering from a Breakup

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on June 08, 2020:

@Benedicta, that is a 'poor' reason for his breaking up with you. It doesn't make sense why he wouldn't accept the half you were able to give him. He should have been grateful that you offered to give him the amount you were capable to.

If he dumps you because of this situation, it would have been worse if you're married and had kids.

It isn't acceptable at all.

Benedicta on June 02, 2020:

My guy just broke up with me because he ask for money and I told him I can only give him half of it

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 30, 2020:

Hi Avro,

You can't become instant friends after breaking up. Both of you need time and space from each other so that you can heal and recover from the breakup.

The problem with being immediate friends is that you'll feel pain everytime you talk or meet each other. This is because the 'wound' hasn't healed.

Thus, you need to tell her that you shouldn't talk or meet each other for a month so that you can allow each other to heal from the breakup.

After you've healed, you'll.be comfortable with being friends because you won't feel the pain. The pain will have subsided.

Check this article for more information about not contacting each other: What are the rules and benefits of no contact rule after a breakup?

Avro on May 30, 2020:

I was 2 years relationship, but she broke up. Cause, her family can't except it. She still want to good friendly relation. She say me,, "sorry" a lot. We have a physical relation, like kiss. She love me much and respec. Now, how i can do?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on April 11, 2020:

Hi Amy,

Being in relationship for 6 years, it would be you've known each other a lot to settle down as a couple. But, it is worrying that he doesn't reply your texts. Maybe it's because you've been dating online for a long time.

Telling you as a stranger that he has a girlfriend means two things. Either he is referring to you or another girl.

When he doesn't respond to your texts means his feelings for you is dwindling or he has no feelings for you anymore. This is called silent treatment when he ignores your texts or doesn't respond to you. Sometimes, this silent treatment known as ghosting is an indication he doesn't want to be in a relationship but doesn't want to tell you.

How can you know he still loves you or has feelings for you? I suggest you remain silent too for two weeks at a maximum. This is to know if he had feelings for you. It is difficult because your heart would be aching as a result of not hearing from you but it is the safest and the least hurtful way to know. I presume you are living thousand of kilometres or miles from him.

If he doesn't respond within the two weeks, you will know he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. By that time, you can tell him because of him being quiet and not responding to your texts, you thought he didn't want to talk to your for various reasons. Therefore, you decided to give him time. But why have you not responded for two weeks? If you no longer want to be in relationship with me, please tell me instead of hurting me with your silence. Or tell me what you're thinking about our relationship.

If he doesn't respond, you'll have to move on. If he tells you doesn't want to be on relationship, you still need to move on

If he tells you to wait a few days, be prepared for positive or negative news.

During this two weeks of silence, don't concentrate so much about him or the relationship. Do your things, and always tell yourself even if things don't go right, I will be strong. I will come out of this situation strong. I will have to heal and recover from the breakup and move on if it reaches that point.

Amy on April 09, 2020:

hi there im Amy and i just got in a relashionship and me and my boyfriend are good but our relashionship is awkward when were not texting and it feels like an online relashionship but i dont want him to think that and i mean yes its kinda awkard because we have liked eachother for 6 years straight and now that our dreams have came true about you know us getting in a couple i dont know how to talk to him in person or try not to make him worry so much about me and i do love him but i... i think hes maybe cheating on me even tho he keeps on telling me he would never and everytime i text him goodnight he sees the message but dosent replie me back it nearly breaks my heart and then he just turns of his phone im really sure he does that because on the WhatsupApp it shows when ur online and when ur not i then got a plan and called him from one of my old phones he responded and i didnt say a word then i haunged up and he started texting me things on that phone number like who this and stuff so i acted like i was a stranger and i said im was sorry i got the wrong number and then he said its okay dont worry (he didnt know it was me texting him tho) i then asked him a few hours later by text and told him to tell me things about himself and we started to know eachother more and ofcourse all i told him were lies because i was pretending to be a stranger right? okay 2 days later we were still in contant and then me as a stranger i asked him out and do you know what he said... UM WELL IM ACTIALLY TAKEN I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND AND THEN HE SAID BUT MAYBE NEXT TIME I WILL

Xavier Gavin on February 04, 2020:

You can't do anything to stop her from leaving if her mind's already made up. There may be issues with your communication style that result in you being unable to convey your emotions to your girlfriend. I've read in one article about Can You Stop Your Girlfriend From Leaving You? https://www.davidtianphd.com/relationships/how-to-... which I think it will give you an idea how to do it.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 12, 2019:

@ Luke, from your brief description it's difficult to know why your ex-girlfriend is treating you in that manner. There are several questions you need to ask yourself to gauge why she is behaving like that towards you:

1) When the two of you feel in love, how was her feelings towards you back then? Did she love you for who you are and not for what you had/have?

2) Are there things about you (negative) that she used to complain about but you never worked in correcting such behaviors/attitudes?

3) Your ex making fun of your best friend dying shows that there is something you did or always did that irritated her. Can you think of anything that makes her complain about you? Think about it. Why did she keep complaining about it?

4) Telling you that you cannot have friends shows there is something about you that she didn't like. It might not be your disability because she loved you. This is evident in that the two of you had a relationship. It's something about you (behavior/attitude) or something you did/din't do that made her react in such a negative manner.

5) Reflect on the relationship. Look at it on all sides and analyze your ex like you would a literary work. Don't look only on the good aspects of her. Also, look on other things especially before and during the first weeks of the relationship. How was it like? What about towards the end of the relationship?

Since you were in a relationship since in high school, I don't think she hates you because of your disability. She would have refused to get in the relationship. It is something concerning you that makes her react negatively towards her.

I suggest you wait 2-3 weeks then ask her politely why she broke up with you. There is a good chance she will reply why she broke up with you. If she did tell you, connect her reason and the reflection of the relationship (analyzing both her and you) and you'll find out why she broke up with you.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 12, 2019:

Ask the question, Gianna. Don't worry how stupid it might look.

gianna on December 10, 2019:

I have a stupid question, but are tough to look the best you’ve ever been, or really crap or something else the day after the breakup

Luke on December 08, 2019:

I have a question, why does my girlfriend put me down and say that i cannot have friends? she tells me i don't love her when i do and she thinks that im putting her down and idk what to say everytime i try to say something and complment her she tells me no and then later on tells me i don't do anything she told me were gonna be together forever and i feel like she dont like me for who i am cause my disablity cause i met her in high school and when we gradwated she told me she wanted to be with me forever now she just tells me i cannot have friends she always looks threw my things i cant even she even made fun about my best friend dying and he was my best friend may i please get more talk to you please so i can help understand this if you can thanks

Luke on December 08, 2019:

I am very comfuesd about this cause i have a disablity and i still dont understand why my girlfriend broke up with me i always know that i say bad words sometimes and tell her to chill and lsiten but it makes it worse she does not allow me to have frriends but i still love her but why does she hate me? this makes me really sad and i would like some help please to understand better thank you :)

Kate on November 21, 2019:

Okay thank you so much

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on November 20, 2019:

You did the right thing, Kate. It's understandable as you didn't want to escalate the matter. You prevented the breakup from worsening as is common in many breakups whereby the partners shout at each other, insult and so on which results in the partners being affected negatively (psychologically).

However, I would suggest you respond by text after a week or two. This is because the silence will have a negative psychological effect on your ex. Just tell him you didn't respond immediately since you didn't want to escalate things. You've already accepted his decision and you wish him all the best.

Kate on November 19, 2019:

My Boyfriend broke up with me And I simply gave him the silent treatment I avoided him and ignored him it wasn’t because I was upset or mad it was because I really just didn’t wanna start anything do you think I did the right thing?

Gigi on September 23, 2019:

Me and a guy were talking for a few months and getting to know each other. However, every time I suggested we go out on a date he came up with excuses as to why he couldn't make it, etc. He stopped talking to me for a few days and replied to a message I sent with a breakup text. He told me he didn't want to "break my heart" and that he knew "we wanted different things," that I wanted a relationship and he didn't. He said he still wants to talk and meet with me and that he likes me. I'm so confused.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on June 03, 2019:

It's evident your ex boyfriend came up with excuses why he no longer wants to be in the relationship with you. What he said about isn't true as you have said. The reasons were only excuses to get out of the truth. Also, there isn't any truth his love for you will always remain fresh.

You have to forget him. You have to tell yourself over and over you are no longer on relationship with him. The relationship is dead thus you have to move on. Your heart needs to be retold every time the relationship failed thus it has to move on.

Whenever you think about him, stop yourself from thinking. Don't entertain any thoughts about him or feel sorry for yourself because you're no longer in the relationship.

Deleter his numbers from your phone, block or unfriend him from your social media accounts and tear/store away his pictures.

Forgive him if you are still angry at him. Don't entertain the negative emotions - hatred, anger.

Focus your mind and heart on your life and where you're heading. Don't think about the relationship anymore.

It will take time to finally find the strength to move on but when you're determined and disciplined you want to move on, you will surely move on. Within 2-4 weeks, you should have recovered from the breakup. Let that be your aim, that you won't be remorseful, you won't feel sorry for yourself, you won't wish the relationship was still alive.

.. on June 02, 2019:

hi.. my boyfriend brokeup with me two days ago, he said i take him for granted , i give no importance and i off my mood in small small things and he has to say sorry all the time . but the truth isnt that, i love him a lot and gave him importance and never took him for granted, he says he loves me but we arent compatible , he also says his love for me will remain fresh always. we were in relationship for 1.5 years. i begged him to stay but he didnt . what should i do, i cant move onn!

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 24, 2019:

Your girlfriend is employing silent treatment. This is whereby she doesn't tell you if she has left you for another person. While I might be wrong, it might be she seeing another person as a form of revenge, to show is better off with the person she's seeing or her intentions might be true - she has left you for another person.

One technique you might use is exercising no contact rule. Don't contact on whatever form an average of two weeks. While you meet in the class, let your conversation be greetings and discussion about an assignment if you happen to be in the same group.

After two weeks, send her text and tell her that she's remained silent towards you for long. You have tried contacting her but she's been ignoring you. Is the relationship still active or has she opted out of it? What is the status of the relationship? Or you might tell her you love her but why has she remained silent towards you? Ask her to meet so you can discuss about the relationship. Either way she will respond.

Don't push if she doesn't respond. Wait for a few days then tell her because she hasn't responded, you won't force her to tell you.

Jeffrey Phillips on May 23, 2019:

I have this girlfriend and we are not good, I tried clearing things on WhatsApp buh she ignored me, we saw in school buh we did not talk and she is already following someone else. How do I know if she wants to break up with me?? And what do I ask her that will cause her to make her intentions known to me??

Thank You.

Jay C OBrien from Houston, TX USA on May 17, 2019:

Good article especially about Forgiveness. Learn you cannot control another person.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 06, 2019:

There is nothing wrong in asking him that question though you shouldn't hold your hopes too high. Simply, he doesn't want to be or committed in a serious relationship and feels it's better to be alone than be in a serious relationship.

You want to be in a serious relationship so that you can settle together and afterwards get married. Unless you want to be in an open relationship.

Thus, it's proper to ask him that question. Does he mean he's broken up with you and everyone should part ways or does he want some time off?

Jeanette on May 06, 2019:

My boyfriend broke up with me over email. At least I guess he broke up. He says he wants to be alone and not feel pressure of a serious relationship. Should I ask him if he just wants a break but then be together again?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 05, 2019:

No contact won't help in getting her back. She doesn't want to commit and she doesn't know what she wants.

It's hard to get back someone who doesn't want to commit to a relationship until future. That's why she wants to be friends so that you can always be in contact. The fact she doesn't know what she wants also makes things worse.

Your relationship has only spanned for two months. That's little time to have known each other well and to have developed emotional bonding. This also will make it hard for NC to assist you in getting her back.

In any case, when you use no contact she might see you are ignoring her or you've seen it's better not to be friends.

What I can advice is that you should treat each other as casual friends. Don't contact her always. Don't be platonic friends. Don't talk for each other for long. Maybe it will work out in your favour in the long run but don't keep your hopes to her. Gaze your eyes in other places. Time will tell.

William on May 04, 2019:

My ex and I are both in college right now and we were dating for 2 months. She just broke up with me stating that she wasn't ready for commitment and she doesn't know what she wants. She said she wants to stay friends over the summer and see what happens after summer. I'm trying to play the NO Contact rule and hopefully see if we can get back together but is there even a chance of us getting back together? Even if we somehow keep connected over the summer.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 03, 2019:

@Saikoumarron, the distance relationship won't work out if she's found another man. This is the disadvantage of distance relationship. One partner will get tired of it very quickly.

You'll have to respect her decision unless you can convince her you'll be visiting her frequently.

You can also talk with her how you can work out on this matter. If you're able to visit her, let her know and after how long you'll be visiting her. The fact you're far makes her wonder whether the relationship will ever develop to the point you're staying together.

Saikoumarron on May 02, 2019:

I meet a girl on his holiday and we arr far way from each other lonh disnstan relationahip. We love each other we arr in relationahip for month but this days she send me massage that she need a break up first i ask why she said she dont tbibk she can continue this and i thank her and respect his decision she said but i love her and she say that she found someone at the festival she hangout with that guy what can i say to her please help me i lover very much thays wju i am over this comment

Lamin on May 02, 2019:

I am in long disnstan relationahip for a month i meet a girl on his holiday we do write send pic ect we both have feeling for each other and we arr palning for our future ect. She send me a massage saying that she dont thibk she can maintain this long distance which i dont understand what can i say to her

She say she need a break up

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on April 10, 2019:

@Carol, that is not a healthy relationship. Every time he breaks up with you because he's mad at you then reconcile when his anger has subsided, in the long run you'll be affected negatively.

You might develop depression and low self-esteem. Whenever he breaks up with you, you get hurt. You haven't healed enough to return to the same relationship when again he dumps you. You will ignore the heart being optimistic things will be different but what you might not know, your heart is 'bleeding' because of the continuous heart resulting from frequent breakup.

Since this is a cycle, you have to stop it. Again, he is cheating on you. It's something you've noted. He has to know your heart isn't a toy to be played with it.

You'll have to let him know you need your own space to think things through. You need your own space, not in a relationship with him, to make sense of the relationship and to let the healing process take its course. You have to heal before you engage in a relationship for your own healthy benefits.

I'm not sure if you're the one who has to move out or him. But, one of you has to do that. In this instance, I'm not sure which is which but you'll know which steps to take.

Someone cannot dump you because he's mad at you then get back because he's no longer mad at you or possible has suppressed his anger. Think how it will be when you get married and have children. It will be a disaster. He has to manager his anger and has to differentiate who you are in his life - not a toy.

Caro on April 10, 2019:

My boyfriend and i have been dating for two and a half years...He broke up with me just because i got to know that he sneaked out food to a girl in the same apartment in the night while i was in the house...when i found out about that, i argued with him about it...He claims that the girl is her friend whereas the doesn't even say hi to me,knowing that am dating him..After he broke up with me,he now wants us to be together again...he always breaks up with me whenever he feels angry at me

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on April 07, 2019:

Thank you, Victoria

Victoria on April 07, 2019:


Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 27, 2019:

@IB, I agree with you. It's possible for an individual to win back his/her ex as long as one acts maturely.

Even if an individual won't win back his/her ex, acting maturely will help a lot in dealing with the breakup and when engaging in another relationship.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 27, 2019:

Hi Sophy. Yah, you will have to take one day at a time. You will have moments when you'll think a lot of him, moments when you'll wish and moments when you'll be unsure of anything.

But, if you take one day at a time as you've noted you'll fair on well. You'll have to work out on concentrating on yourself and taking the necessary steps to heal and recover from the relationship.

It's sad the relationship ended up because of misconception on the part of your ex.

Sophy on March 25, 2019:

My boyfriend n I have been dating for over three years now. The last time we saw each I was visiting him at his place and then one thing lead another like nomarl relationship while we were busy I told him to get off me cos I was feeling pain since we were both drunk . Then boom in the morning he told I was acting like someone who is cheating jst because of that moment. He left the house without saying anything and then I sent him a text asking him Y he left without saying anything then his response was " you are a cheat n I'm done, for real" I was left speechless I packed my bags n told him I was ready to leave. He asked if I want to leave n then I told him wats the point of staying if he was done with me. Then later he came with a friend called me a cab then I left. Dat was da end we haven't spoke since that day. I'm still struggling to get over it Bt I'm taking it one day at a time. We've been through alot together dats Y it is so hard for me to accept

IB on March 23, 2019:

My ex texted me i dont want you to text me nowadays, and i replied why and she just said she doesnt like it, so after a few munites she texed and said may i tell you something, i said ok and she said can we end this relationship, i asked why and she said no reason, i started to nag so she could tel me the reason and she keep saying no reason, so after i texted again she ignored my textes, i called she didnt pick, so i texted and say we didnt met by mistake and it shouldnt end like this but she still ignored me, after 10mins i reasoned and text her dearest i respect your decision and i agree tp the break up, and i thanked her for the memories, so after a 20mins i saw a missed called from her and a text, so i replied by saying is there anything left to say and she said no but asked me if am angry and i said no, so she started to explain to me why she asked for break up, so i told her let's meet up the next day and we did and she expressed herself, and claimed that it was a joke, i know she lied but didnt want to upset me, actually all i want to conclude with is that you can win back your partner in a break up by just been mature, maturuty entails alot.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 18, 2019:

@Francis, you have to move on and forget about your ex. She had promised not to cheat on you but went ahead when her friend suggested another man and she didn't mind not telling her friend she's you as her boyfriend.

Forget about how. Stop any communication with her and move on. She doesn't mind you're her boyfriend thus it shows if you were still in the relationship and she got a good man, she would have dumped you.

I have written an article in how to heal and recover from a breakup. You might want to read it.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 18, 2019:

@Sally, you should not allow to be friends. You cannot move from instant lovers to instant friends. As long as you remain friends, you will always be thinking about the relationship and your boyfriends and wishing/dreaming/fantasizing you were still in the relationship. You should be casual friends but not for the time being. Until you've healed, recovered and moved on that's when you can become friends but not close friends.

Cease any communication if you're still communicating. Don't plead for a reunion. Take your time to sort out your thoughts, to reflect on the relationship, to initiate the healing process and to gain the peace of mind and strength to move on. After two weeks or a month of not communicating with him, wish him all the best and tell him you can't be friends for now. It will have to wait till you move on.

Don't plead with him for a reunion. Do check an article I wrote on how to heal and recover from a breakup.

Sally on March 18, 2019:

My boyfriend of over 2 years broke up with me over the phone. Ive never had someone do this to me and dont know how to take it. He said he wanted to be friends

francis on March 16, 2019:

My girlfriend cheated on me with someone and she promised she won't again but she has a friend who has influence on her and has pushed to date someone else since my Girlfriend never told her friend she had a boyfriend.. I refused answering her calls and texted her I know about what she is planning to do. After few days I felt bad and wanted to apologies so I asked her if she had moved on and she said yes ... now am very hurting and heart broken because I really deeply love her.. what do I do now

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 06, 2019:

Hi Lauren. It will hurt a lot when you work at the same place but live separately. If you've tried but she still insists on separation, you will have to respect her decision. Consider this, she wants a separation but you insist till she accepts. Do you think the relationship will remain vibrant or lively?

The relationship will be filled with newer problems and constant fights because of the reason that led to her decision on separation.

You will have to accept her decision. I believe it will work for good for the two of you. You will need it as much as her. You will still meet at work place. However, you should begin treating her as a friend not a lover. Only greetings and talking matters related to work. It will be hard meeting constantly with someone you love but is not in your arms. Maybe, during the separation something good may come out of it - reunite or move on with your life. The separation will afford you time to reflect a lot of things about the relationship. No contacting her in anyway unless when greeting or talking about work assignment.

Lauren on March 05, 2019:

i have been in 2years relationship we are living together, she go to vacation when she came back after 28 days she change a lot like i dont know whats happened and what is the reason why she want a separation. its very hard for me because until now we are living in a same room same work still together but there's a lot of changes. what should i do?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on January 16, 2019:

There are various things you can do instead of relying on sleeping pills and wine.

Always reaffirm to yourself the relationship is over, you need to work out on how to get over it. Next time you feel like taking pills or drink wine, ask yourself why you're depending on these which aren't making the situation better. When you feel the need to use them to comfort or relieve yourself, resolve not to take the pills or drink wine.

Don't try to contact your ex or converse with him in any form. Connect with your family and friends by spending time with them. Whenever an image of your ex pops up in your mind, snap out of it.

Do the things you love doing and promise yourself you will not destroy yourself because you have a life to live.

PS: I have written several articles on how to heal and recover from a relationship, things you should and should not do after a breakup.

Katelyn on January 16, 2019:

I can't cope with the pain of my break up. Can't eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can't sleep without the sleeping pills or wine. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

Kitkat on January 12, 2019:

Wat should i do if he just says he doesnt feel the same, then says we can just be friends, but ignores me imedietly after? we broke up a few months ago and m deleting some fles and found our pictures, im crying lol right now. And he hasnt talked to me since our breakup, even told me how weird i am in one point when i was with my friends. He doesnt talk to me andwhenever i arrive to my friends and hes there, he just stops talking or just leaves. Im hurt! and crying, and i dont know wat to do!

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on January 09, 2019:

It is so sad he blames you for everything when the fact is a relationship is not one-sided. You have described how the relationship is like and how he blames you for things which aren't true. You have committed into the relationship and have gone as far as to provide economically.

At this time you need to settle your mind, let peace reign in your heart and mind. You are hurting and the one you thought was your husband is now saying bad about you. I recommend you cease communicating with him. Do not contact him in any form so as to allow the healing process to begin and find the strength to move on. By not contacting him you will be able to reflect on the relationship clearly and it will help you to heal and recover from the breakup.

It is time to move on with your life. That would be my advice. You will find a better man whom you will work out in a relationship because no one is perfect.

NB: I have an arricle about No Contact rule.

Help on January 05, 2019:

My bf broke up with me and told he he was no longer happy and he wanted freedom. We have both made mistakes in the past and we have been working towards a better us but now he blames me for everything, he tells me I’m insecure that I should love myself that I don’t let him breat, which are all lies I let him have his space and hang out with friends all the time. He is currently in law school and give him as much time and space to study. I honestly thought he was going to be my husband. I helped him economically with everything and I feel like now since he is getting a loan he wants to put me on the side leave and have his fun. While breaking up with me he said horrible things about my self esteem and how everything was my fault and I needed to change.

Idk what to think about all this

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 31, 2018:

You did stand your ground by not accepting his proposal of a polygamous family which is good. It is evident he wants it which will only create more problems in the relationship. By sleeping with your friend shows he does not respect you and you are blocking him from satisfying what he desires.

If you have tried to talk to him after he called quits but you feel he is not responding positively then you should cease any contact with him. During this period reflect whether you should move on with your life or try once to tell him you do love him but do not want a polygamous family. A month of no contact will help. After this period approach him. If he does not respond positively decide to move on. It is better to remain single than being in such a relationship.

Boe on December 23, 2018:

My husband of 4 years broke up with me because i dont want polygamy,the problem is that i agreed at first but then we have tried dating 2 girls and it was hard and whenever i told him he would stop or brush it off for a month to say he doesnt need it he was only teasing...another reason i no longer want it is because he has cheated and also slept with my friend i dont he deserves more women but today he called it quits

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 18, 2018:

You have to ponder why your ex is thinking you are cheating on him. Maybe it is how you talk with your or his male friends. Re-evaluate how you act or speak in various settings or situation and see whether they are the reasons your boyfriend thinks you are cheating on him; and try to work on changing such behaviors or atttitudes if they are not good.

Set a day and approach him. Tell him, not emotionally, that you are not unfaithful towards him. Do not plead or beg. Do not engage in war of words that what you are saying is the truth. State as a matter of fact. Let him know how much he is hurting you by stating what is not a fact - an action that you are not doing because you have committed yourself in the relationship. After the end of conversation do not try to justify any other time you are not faithful again. It is up to him to make his mind to believe or not.

maliyah on December 17, 2018:

my boyfriend thinks im cheating on him but im not he told my best friend that is going to break up with me what do i do

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 10, 2018:

Some reasons that lead to break ups aren't usually justified because they are not reasonable as is in your case.

If you have tried to talk to him about it but he doesn't respond or offer a positive response there are two things left:

1) Compose a text about your relationship with him as you have indicated here and how you don't want to be apart from him and how much he means to you. Also let him know about his jealousy which is unfounded as you love him unconditionally. Additionally if you feel strong to say this why not tell him if it is jealousy that has led to him considering breaking up with you, it is not a mature manner of arriving at such a decision because it translates to mistrust. If he considers ending the relationship because of such a decision, you will not push on. You will accept the decision because there is nothing else you can try to convince him how much you love him or there is nothing between you and one of the boys and that he means a lot to you. It will be difficult to say it but there is nothing more you can do though it will hurt the more when you tell him so. Let him know it will hurt a lot when he makes his decision to dump you because of his jealousy.

2) If he does not respond or doesn't offer the required response, cease communication, that is, exercise no contact rule. It will give both of you time to consider various things about the relationship and the two of you. It will hurt a lot when you are not communicating with him. It is what he has asked of you. During the silence he might respond or not. You should exercise no contact rule for a minimum of 2 weeks. He might respond positively or break up with you during the silence period. But, the silence will afford you the opportunity to think about the relationship and come up with a decision of what to do next.

Help on December 09, 2018:

i have been with this person in 6 years now. he is my everything, I can't describe how close we are. I really mean it when I say I have found the one, and no-one will love me like he does. the problem is that I invited boys to my birthday party. he have not talked to me in 3 days all he says is that he just need time to think if we are going to break up. someone please tell me what to do, I seriously can't live without him. im writing this crying. I don't know what to do pleas help. I just can't handle this anymore. he is the one who im gonna marry. I didn't know that he is going to end this because of this stupid jealousy.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on December 02, 2018:

Samuel, in the age we are living financial instability is one of the major causes of relationship breakups and divorces. You have been in a relationship for long and it does hurt especially considering she ended the relationship because you're no longer financially stable.

A partner might be wasting his/her time in a relationship if one partner is not committed in the relationship or has no vision as regards to the relationship. For your lady to dump because of money issue, it is evident she didn't have true love for you. While financial stability is important in a relationship, just because now you're not doing well financially is the reason for her to end the relationship.

I was in the same boat. Those are years wasted considering also she doesn't know what she wants in life and in the relationship. You've to do without her. Possibly, you'll get one who will stick with you through thick and thin.

Samuel How on November 27, 2018:

My ex just broke up with me last month(we have been in a long term relationship for 3 years 8 months).. she feels that we are not meant to be together and feels that our future will be difficult due to financial issue(a friend of mine loaned money from me for a period of time from last year, up till now havent do any repayment to me yet).. i tried to explain to her this can be fixed.. she even told me money can be earned back for the next few years.. she said it cant be fixed anymore.. she dont want to continue this relationship anymore, she is tired and wish to be alone.. she said we are not young anymore, im 32 years old while she is 28years old, she wish to stop wasting each other time.. she dont see herself being happy in the future if she hang on to this relationship.. she dont have feelings for me and this relationship anymore.. she said that she still wanna find what she want to have in her life.. commitment is not the only thing she want actually.. she wanted to explore things that she never explore before..

John on November 01, 2018:

Once a girl I barely knew tried to "break up" with me and I laughed and told her we were never together to begin with! She started crying and wanted to know why I wouldn't fight for her. That made me laugh even harder and I had to tell her she needed to get over herself.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on October 28, 2018:

In order to move on you've to accept you did hurt her. After admitting to yourself you did hurt her, you need to forgive yourself for that act and ask her for forgiveness. Asking her to forgive you is not so as to reconcile but to have peace of mind, both for you and her.

You need to give her time to recollect herself as she's made clear she'll be ready the following year. Thus, reduce communication with her. Let your conversations, if it's impossible to avoid, be on a basic level.

Engage yourself in activities that will keep your mind off from thinking about her. It might be a good idea to unfriend her from your online social network.

Lastly, be grateful for being in a relationship with her. Appreciate her and try to improve your personality to become a better you.

Ben on October 26, 2018:

I lost my girlfriend, before I ready this, I lost my temper, and took it out on her, after that she told me she just needed to focus on school this year, and next year she would be ready, now I've ruined my relationship with her, and now I'm done for, and I can't move on, it's to hard, I need help

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on October 25, 2018:

Neils, it is a fact no one man or woman can romantically love two people equally. It is not the same as brotherly love. Between the two of you, she was loving one person more than the other. She said it was you but from your description, it is evident she loves the other man more than you. This is evident in the change of her attitude towards you. She feels you were the cause of the breakup between her and her boyfriend.

For now you need to take things slowly. What do I mean? She's having some feelings for him and you, and the fact is you cannot share a lady with another man. You need to take a break from the relationship. You're feeling pain resulting from the betrayal and the fact she's not yet over that man.

Let her know you need a break from the relationship. You need time away from the relationship to heal your wounded heart and settle your mind. You need time away from her to think clearly about the relationship without letting emotions dictate what to think.

when the pain has subsided you'll know whether to get back with her or not.

But, for someone to engage in another relationship with another person while she is still in a relationship with someone is lack of respect and shows that love is lacking. Blaming you for the breaking up with her other boyfriend evidenced by her changed attitude towards you is 'an insult to injury.' I would not want to continue in the relationship anymore.

Neils Henry on October 24, 2018:

Am in a relationship and both of us loves each other. I personally have never think of cheating on her but all the times, I kept telling her more about relationship and they way i want us to take it... I asked her if she have any side boo, she always told me no. Am the only one.

When i came to realized that this girl has been dating with another guy without my knowledge, told her that he will marry her but she said she is not ready for that and still he keeps on prestring her, the very day i know, it was actually sad for me because i have never expect such from her because i love her from my heart.

Now She's staying and still going out with both of us but she loves me the more, she later told me what was happening between her and the other guy and she promised to breakup him, after two days she told me she have brokenup with him but her attitude have change towards me. This is the lady i trusted and now am going through sadness, hurt, paining heartatche.. My decision right now is to quit, Please i need your advice..

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on October 12, 2018:

I understand what you are going through Ali. I have been there. It's hard to articulate in words what you're going through.

The best you can do for now is to exercise no contact rule, that is, don't talk to her until you've healed. It's good you've deleted the social app. You should try not to think about her. Concentrate on your work and read articles that encourage you. Don't read articles on how to get her back because it will make things worse. If you like listening to songs, don't listen to sad songs.

When you no longer feel the pain and the thoughts of her no longer run in your mind, you'll which direction to head to. Cool things down and time will tell which ultimate decision will take as regards to your girlfriend.

F. E. Ali on October 11, 2018:

I dont know what to write because everything i did in reaction is in sheer contradiction with what you have suggested in this article.

Two months have been passed and im still bowing to her and trying to convince her to stay with me. Even yesterday, i tried alot to talk but no response from her side, although she was online. Then i deleted the social app on which i used to talk to her frequently and sat back, had some weed and slept. Im in abroad and i dont know what to do in such situation. Idont know what has happened to me, she is all over my nerves and heart and i really miss her every where. right now im at job but still trying to console myself with her thoughts and different articles. But now after reading your article, i have decided that i wont try to talk no matter how worse my situation is. I wish i could hold these decisions for longer time as i have made same decision hundreds of times in past two months, and failed badly.

I think my talk here doesnt make any sense at all and im failing miserably to convey what i really want to speak but i dont know, i cant explain whats happening with me

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 27, 2018:

I am sorry to hear about that Rafael. For now it will be better if you don't contact her because it will aggravate matters. Wait until the matter has cooled down.

Rafael on September 26, 2018:

This is such a great advice here. I wish I had read this two weeks ago, before responding to her breakup message. I did not reply in anger, I wanted to take the pressure off of her by expressing my understanding and that I am more the oldschool face-to-face type in these situations. And that oldschool comment caused her to get totally mad at me, as her intention was to let me know in advance should we see each other again. That comment from my side ruined it completely, as I (unintentionally) attacked her way of communicating the breakup. In her first breakup message she suggested if we could reduce it all a bit (.e.g. no intimacy and stuff), but after my response she was so hurt about my reaction in what was her last message, explaining that she just had good intentions in letting me know before we see each other again, she did not want to slap the news right across my face.

Now I haven't heard from her since 10 days and I fear I won't ever see her again. I feel shattered, we were dating for 2 months and we had such a great connection and now it is all gone. I so much wish I had replied authentically, by expressing my sadness about her message, that I had such a great time with her, respect her decision and wish her all the best. Just like it is suggested above.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 19, 2018:

You're welcomed Francis

Francis on September 19, 2018:

this is all that I needed Thank you very much

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 12, 2018:

Thank you Annie Roberts

Debra Roberts from Ohio on September 11, 2018:

This is beautifully done. I love the layout!

Holly H on September 07, 2018:

I love you right now! I am very grateful to you for knowing exactly what I need to read right now.

These are amazing:

You have so much to give. You're an awesome girl and your ex doesn't deserve any more of your time.

And: You should know that you deserve wonderful relationships full of love, and that you are capable of achieving them.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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