How To Respond During A Break Up And Its Effects
The way people react at the end of relationships or during break ups are quite different. It doesn’t largely depend on whether the recipient of the breakup is a woman or man as studies seem to indicate. It depends on a number of factors such as the personality of the person, the environment he/she grew up in, and how many breakups he/she has undergone.
Break ups hurt and it’s very hard to understand why the ex took the decision to end the relationship. A person feels as if he/she has been stripped naked, a laughing stock in the society and the worst of all, feels as if his/her dignity has been degraded. Furthermore, he/she feels messed up, his/her world turned upside down, and feels muddled to the extent of feeling pretty useless.
Whether you have undergone more than one breakup or it’s your first time, it’s imperative you take caution on how you respond to a breakup. A large percentage of recipients react in a dramatic manner. At the end of the day – when you have healed from the hurt and are moving on with your life – you feel ashamed (regret) why you behaved the way you behaved in awkward and weird style.
When you respond positively (as much as it hurts) it indicates several things: Firstly, it illustrates despite how hurting it is to be dumped you have accepted the decision of your ex. It would be no good to counter his decision because it won’t change the situation. Even if it changes and you get back together there is a high chance you are bound to break up again. Secondly, it demonstrates you have thought a lot about the reason your ex has given for breaking up with you. Thereby you have weighed his/her reasons and have come up with a conclusion as to whether the reasons your ex has given are justified or not. Thirdly, it demonstrates despite how hurting, angry and bitter you are you’ll not respond radically. It expresses you also need your time to settle your mind and think things through - the relationship and the breakup. Does this make sense? Read on, it will make sense later.
Once you react positively however painful it is, there are several positive outcomes that will be manifested. First of all, it will take a shorter time to heal from the hurt. This is because you acted soberly and gained the courage to accept the decision your ex made. Secondly, it will act as a proof to your ex despite the decision he/she made, you won’t be crippled to the extent you will end up pleading with him/her for another chance. Many exes think you will never recover. Show them you will. Thirdly, you will have afforded to look keenly at the relationship and judge it in a considerate fashion. Lastly, you will not end up begging or pleading as you will know it’s a decision your ex made, therefore you’ve respected his decision, it’s now time to move on.
a) Respect Your Ex's Decision
He has told you it’s over. Worse, he has told you he is seeing another lady. It hurts. It pains. You feel like you want to strangle him; shout, yell or insult him. Emotions are running widely thinking soberly is hard. You are the one who is hurting; it’s good to show him that but don’t overdo. Let him know what he has to know. This means you need to control your emotions.
Example, say, “It’s hurting. I cannot believe you are leaving me for another woman. Since, it’s a decision you have made, I will not force you. I will not beg nor plead. I will not talk more. What I’m going through it’s only me and my God who knows.”
If you confront his decision it will not help. He had made the decision so he will stick with it. He had thought a lot about it and knew without a doubt his decision is reasonable. Changing it is hard. Don’t change his decision. Respect it. Don’t you think even if you confronted him and won by him accepting to continue with the relationship that things such as trust issues and other problems won’t crop up or become more problematic?
b) Talk Little
This person is no longer your ‘I-feel-like-this’ so you need his comfort. Whatever things you want to say, keep it to yourself. You want to tell him everything that’s in your mind. No need. You want to remind him of the past good memories. No need. You want to tell him how much you are hurting. No need. He doesn’t need to know because he has decided not to be part of your life. Keep it to yourself. Confide your feelings or thoughts to your close friends. If you believe in God confide to Him.
Talking much will not help. Don’t waste your energy on talking much. Say what you have to say and not which things you desire to say.
Your ex will expect you to say how hurt you are, how you enjoyed the relationship, how you want him to give the relationship another chance and so on. Do not provide him with such expectations.
c) Don’t Be Dramatic
Many breakups don’t end up well. Some fight, others yell while others quarrel, throw things at each other just to name a few. At the end of the day you the recipient of the breakup suffer more than the initiator. At this stage you are very angry and hurting and the hatred is boiling well beyond one hundred degrees Celsius. As such it becomes hard to control your emotions because you’re feeling hurt and at the same time you are angry and hateful.
Control your emotions. Control yourself. You might end up crying it is okay. Cry. Let the tears have their way but don’t act dramatically. Later, when you have recovered you will wonder why you acted in such a manner. Try your level best to deal with the situation of the breakup in a soberly manner.
What To Do After A Breakup | Jefferson & Alyssa Bethke
d) No Blaming
Don’t blame your ex. He is the one who ended the relationship. It will not force him to reconsider his decision. In fact, it will reinforce his decision. Don’t blame him for being the cause of the breakup even if it’s true. What you can expect is start-up of unending-unreasonable arguments. There’s nothing you can do to change his mind.
Should you blame yourself if you were the one on the wrong? Yes, you should blame yourself for leading to the breakup of the relationship but don’t blame yourself for too long. If you have told your ex to reconsider the decision but he has refused and you were the cause of the breakup, it will not hurt to ask for forgiveness. Not to be forgiven in order to revive the relationship but so that you don’t live a life of bitterness and/or low self-esteem.
Blaming never helps in anything even if the person you are directing the blame is justified to be blamed.
e) Don’t Beg
Don’t plead to your ex to reconsider his decision. Accept the decision it’s over. If you beg and he refuses it will create crisis. It will show you are desperate. Your ex will despise you. He will laugh or feel good for ending the relationship. Some feel good at this prospect. For others, they will treat you as an irritant. For others they will pity you. Others will have different reactions to your pleadings. Don’t lower your dignity. If someone doesn’t need you, don’t force him to need you. If someone doesn’t love you don’t force him to love you. If a person doesn’t want to spend his and your life together, don’t force him. If you do and reconcile, the relationship will not be as it was before. The love you shared will be different. Soon you will not be getting along well.
Every person has a decision to make. He made his so make yours not to plead. Accept his decision. If you plead, it will be reinforced in his mind the decision he made was wise. You need to show him despite what might have led to the breakup, you have accepted the decision he has made.
If he is the one on the wrong and is the one who has ended the relationship, forgive him. It hurts but when you decide to forgive him, it will help you immensely. It will aid in the quick recovery of the emotional hurt. It will be a manifestation to your ex despite the wrong he has done to you, it’s alright you won’t react to him negatively. You still have a life to live and you will find your true love in the near future. Forgiveness will also aid you in dealing with negative emotions such as bitterness and hatred which are poisonous. Therefore, if he was the one on the wrong, forgive him for your own sake, for your own benefit.
g) Be Grateful
Yes thank your ex for the time you have been together. Thank him for being good to you (even if he wasn’t but there were positive things about him you liked). Being grateful shows despite what has happened you are still thankful you are alive and there is so much in life, not just the relationship. Your ex will be taken off guard by this act of kindness. They will be left speechless. Despite the hurt you are going through you will feel good about yourself. It is a paradox but it’s the truth.
What many people forget is breakups have two sides: negative and positive. They hurt then again they afford a person to look at his/her life through the mirror of another one. They help in determining whether there are changes that need to be done in your life. They help in having a fresh outlook of life. They help in knowing what needs to be known about relationships. As such, in conclusion, acting positively during a breakup is paramount as it acts as a proof to yourself and your ex despite how hurting the breakup is still life has to go on. Maybe several weeks to months later you might come together or not. If not, you will find yours in the near future. The most important thing is the lesson(s) you have learned from the failed relationship(s).