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How To Respond During A Break Up And Its Effects

Updated on April 29, 2017
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People react differently during a breakup. The ones who receive the largest blow are the receivers of the breakup. It hits them like a bomb. This is not to say the dumpers aren’t affected when they end the relationship. It depends on whether they were forced to end the relationship as a result of the continuous hurt they had been receiving from their dumpees.

Studies seem to suggest the extreme actions partners carry out during a breakup has more to do with the sex of the person. Women tend to act dramatically than men when they are on the receivership of the breakup. To some extent it’s true but not overly. It doesn’t largely depend on the sex but on a variety of reasons such as the personality of the person, the environment he/she grew up, how emotionally bonded the person was in the relationship and how many breakups he/she has undergone.

Breakups hurt and it’s very hard to understand why the ex-decided to take the decision to end the relationship. A person feels as if he/she has been stripped naked, a laughing stock in the society and the worst of all, feels as if his/her dignity has been degraded. Furthermore, he/she feels messed up, his/her world turned upside down, and feels muddled to the extent of feeling pretty useless.

Whether you have undergone more than one breakup or it’s your first time, it’s imperative you take caution on how you respond to a breakup. If you end up acting dramatically, later on when you have recovered from the breakup you will wonder why you acted in such a manner. You will regret and feel ashamed.

When you respond positively – as much as it hurts – it indicates several things:

a) It illustrates you have understood your ex doesn’t want to be in the relationship for various reasons. It elucidates despite how hurting it is to be dumped you have accepted the decision your ex has made. It would be no good to counter the decision your ex has made. In any case even if you get back together, don’t you think it will never be like it was before the breakup? Before delivering the sad message, he had thought a lot about it. Therefore he doesn’t want you in his life.

b) It exemplifies despite the fact you feel hurt you are not going to act dramatically since it will not help in making the circumstance any better. It expresses even in hurtful states acting positively is a sure way of dealing with hurtful emotions that results from a hurtful situation. Acting dramatically will only make the situation worse than it is.

c) You need your own time to think things through. You need time to sort out your thoughts such as whether the reason your ex gave for ending the relationship is justified or not or if the breakup has happened for your own good.

d) You have come to the realization not all relationships were meant to survive the strong winds. The two partners were never meant to be together. They became emotionally bounded by accident. They were never meant to be.

Do the above positive responses make sense? If not, read on they will make sense later.

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Once you react positively the following outcomes will be manifested:

a) It will take a shorter time to heal and recover from the breakup. Acting dramatically or negatively will prolong the healing process since you will be more inclined to live in a denial, angry and blaming state.

b) It will act as a proof to your ex you will not turn out to be a panhandler. You will not be crippled by the decision your ex made to the extent you feel you cannot do or live without him.

c) Even though you feel hurt, the breakup will end in a good note. It means you will not have created a boundary whereby your ex turns out to become your enemy. Instead of creating enmity you will have earned respect from your ex (and also yourself) for having dealt with the breakup in a positive manner.

d) You will have taken your ex by surprise. He will wonder why you haven’t reacted negatively. It is something many dumpers usually expect that as a dumpee you will plead and plead. What if your ex tells you he has another girlfriend so you shouldn’t disturb him? By reacting positively don’t you think you’ll show him you don’t care and it doesn’t matter however painful it feels to be betrayed? You still have a life to live.

e) You will not regret or feel ashamed since you didn’t behave dramatically, and you will feel good about yourself. This is a positive sign the breakup won’t hold you as a captive for long indicating the healing process will speed up, and you will recover quickly from the breakup.

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The following are positive ways you should respond for the betterment of you.

a) Respect Your Ex’s Decision

Don’t confront his decision as it will not help you in the long run. Even if you succeed in changing your ex’s mind to reconsider his decision, don’t you think another breakup is inevitable? Don’t you think when the two of you come back together; the relationship won’t be the same as it was before the breakup? If someone has made up his mind not to be with you, why do you want to force yourself to be with him when it’s clear he doesn’t? It is better to ask him why he thinks the reason he gave for ending the relationship is justifiable. In addition, state in a few words why you think his decision doesn’t add up but ensure you avoid any confrontation.

b) Talk A Little

When you talk a lot, you might say things you will regret later. Say what you have to say, not which things you want to say. Do you want to tell him everything that is in your mind? No need. Do you want to give him a piece of your mind? No need. Do you want to tell him how much you are hurting? No need. He is no longer your confided partner, why do you want to confide in him how hurt you are? When you talk a little, you will be able to be in control of yourself meaning you’ll keep the hurtful emotions on check so you don’t explode.

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c) Don’t Act Dramatically

Many breakups don’t end up well. Some fight, others yell while others throw things at each other. At the end of the day, you the recipient of the breakup suffer more pain than the initiator.

It is possible to control the negative emotions. Don’t let the emotions dictate how you are going to respond. You will only make things worse than they are, and years later after the breakup you will still be treating each other as enemies. It will take a long time to heal and recover from the breakup because you’re extremely angry and hateful.

d) Don’t Blame

We all know blaming never helps in anything. Even if he was the cause of the breakup, it will not help in anything. What will follow is the blame-game resulting to yelling, throwing at each other abusive words and so on. All you need to do is state the facts as regards to his decision to end the relationship. Show him through facts why you are not up to his decision to end the relationship.

e) Don’t Plead

Don’t lower dignity by pleading. It is not that you’ll die when he leaves you. Your world will not come to an end because of him leaving you. Instead of pleading, accept the decision bravely, and state the facts when you feel his decision is not justified. It will not be the end of you even if you love him very much beyond words. People breakup and move on with your lives.

f) Forgive

Ensure he hears it before he disappears from your eyes. Tell him that you have forgiven him. Tell him despite him hurting you; you are not going to react negatively such as revenging or saying nasty things about him. Show him the end of the relationship is the beginning of another relationship. Life has to go on.

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f) Forgive

If he is the one on the wrong and is the one who has ended the relationship, forgive him. It hurts but when you decide to forgive him, it will help you immensely. It will aid in the quick recovery of the emotional hurt. It will be a manifestation to your ex despite the wrong he has done to you, it’s alright you won’t react to him negatively. You still have a life to live and you will find your true love in the near future. Forgiveness will also aid you in dealing with negative emotions such as bitterness and hatred which are poisonous. Therefore, if he was the one on the wrong, forgive him for your own sake, for your own benefit.

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g) Be Grateful

Yes thank your ex for the time you have been together. Thank him for being good to you (even if he wasn’t but there were positive things about him you liked). Being grateful shows despite what has happened you are still thankful you are alive and there is so much in life, not just the relationship. Your ex will be taken off guard by this act of kindness. They will be left speechless. Despite the hurt you are going through you will feel good about yourself. It is a paradox but it’s the truth.


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What many people forget is breakups have two sides: negative and positive. They hurt then again they afford a person to look at his/her life through the mirror of another one. They help in determining whether there are changes that need to be done in your life. They help in having a fresh outlook of life. They help in knowing what needs to be known about relationships. As such, in conclusion, acting positively during a breakup is paramount as it acts as a proof to yourself and your ex despite how hurting the breakup is still life has to go on. Maybe several weeks to months later you might come together or not. If not, you will find yours in the near future. The most important thing is the lesson(s) you have learned from the failed relationship(s).

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 months ago

      Great advice!

      It takes two people to make a relationship work.

      It only takes (one person) to end a relationship.

      There is no reason to pursue someone who doesn't want you.

      I would also add "DO NOT TRY TO BE INSTANT PLATONIC FRIENDS!"

      The person breaking up with you offers to be friends because they don't want to feel like the "bad guy".

      The person being dumped hopes that by being friends there may be a chance they can get back together.

      Odds are if they do hookup it will be nothing more than a "booty call" or "friends with benefits" scenario in the eyes of the person who ended the relationship. Your ex is the last person who can help you get over them!

      You're better off going "cold turkey" and not dealing with your ex at all for at least a year or more depending on how long the relationship lasted.

      In order for your (ex) to be "the one" they would have had to see (you) as being "the one"! At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa).

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

      If someone dumps you they clearly don't think you're all that "special",

      Thankfully we live on a planet with over 7 Billion other people!

      Odds are in everyone's favor that there are hundreds, thousands, or possibly millions of people who would love and appreciate us.

      Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you.

      Every ending is a new beginning!

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