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How to Get Him Back Fast

Updated on June 13, 2017
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I know if you've just lost your man, the chances to reunite don't look too good. But you can learn how to get him back fast using these techniques, and they'll also prevent you from messing up by doing all the wrong things.

I absolutely know how incredibly bad it feels to sit there, thinking of winning back his love. Believe me, I have been there myself, and I know from my own experience how bad the situation can look.

If you are a bit like me, you can't even believe right now that the two of you aren't together anymore. It doesn't matter if you saw it coming or if it caught you completely unaware while you were still imagining a great and joyful future together with him — breaking up is so painful! I genuinely feel for you because I have experienced myself how depressing all that can be.

How do you move on after a breakup? Well, It may sound harsh right now, but the best thing you can do is to accept — just for now — that you aren't a couple at the moment. But the good news is that there is hope!

I have had my fair share of breakups in my life, too. I used to beg and plead, but it never worked. For some time, I resolved to feeling sorry for myself, because I thought my situation was hopeless. But then I changed my approach.

Lovers get back together every single day, no matter what the situation is, so there have to be methods to achieve that, I thought. Perhaps there was no easy way to get my boyfriend back, but surely there are ways to make it happen. I started to read books, talk to couples that successfully got back together, and search the Internet for advice on how to get your ex back.

And finally I found the methods that did the trick. I got my man back!

After that, some ladies that had recently lost their boyfriends as well asked me how I did it. I shared the techniques with them and BOOM. Each one of those ladies got her ex back as well! We had finally figured out how to do it.

Those events changed my life and eventually brought me to my profession as a relationship counselor which I love and still do to this day.

Why am I telling you this? Because it really means you have a chance. So let's start right away with the basic things to do to get your boyfriend back and continue from there.

1. Keep Your Head Together First

If you want to save your relationship, you need to get your emotions back in check to enable you to think clearly again as soon as possible.

You don't have to put yourself down just because you've lost your relationship. This happens to everyone sooner or later. It's not you or your personality that caused it. The only thing that happened is that some aspects of the relationship probably were weak, and that is something that can absolutely be fixed.

So, to win him back you first have to change your emotional energy. Open your eyes to see that the world is still bright — there's no reason to see it in grayscale simply because he's not with you right now.

Start doing things that raise your self esteem. Take your friends and do something you are good at with them. If you're doing something you're really good at, it seldom fails to give you a positive rush, and the positive aura created by feeling good will help you win your boyfriend back.

Don't start to eat junk food because it will only lower your mood further. Eating healthy and staying fit is a natural way to lift your mood, and being in a good mood is one of the best ways to attract a male.

Establish a solid support system consisting of family members and good friends to support you in the inevitable moments of weakness. It is also very important to keep relationships and love as wonderful things in your mind. If you really want to save your relationship, don't think of these things as bad just because you were hurt.

2. Don't Beg and Plead

Acting needy by begging and pleading sends out all the wrong signals and can even push him further away.

With all the women I knew, begging and pleading rarely worked. Chances are that your ex will not be moved in any way. It can even reassure him that he made the right decision, or he may get defensive and ignore you completely.

I have done this myself and out of bitter experience I can only tell you that it simply does not work. It may be hard and you may deeply miss your boyfriend, but begging and pleading is not the answer.

It is also not a good idea to call him up and make ridiculous promises in order to make him come back. The end of a relationship is not always the fault of just one party. And I'm sure that you want to be loved for who you are and not for any changes you make to yourself.

The same goes for overwhelming your ex with gifts and letters: You cannot bribe him into coming back. You and I both know that your ex made the wrong decision. He just doesn't know it right now.

3. Use the No Contact Rule

You may have heard of the no contact rule after breakup. This may seem counterproductive at first, because getting back in touch with your boyfriend is obviously one of the most important things to do to get your boyfriend back. But calling him constantly right after the break up will irritate him and will not work. Rather, it will make it harder for you.

Don't speak with your boyfriend until you and him have calmed down. The rule of thumb is four weeks, but it depends on the situation and nothing is set in stone. Wait at least a few days before contacting him again. Once he has cooled down after the initial post-breakup turmoil, it may be that he starts to think about you and the good things that you shared.

Even if it would be comforting for you to only hear his voice or see his face, just try to get your mind off of him, if only for a little while. Give him some time to think through things and maybe he will realize that he made a mistake. He may discover that he actually misses you. But if you call him or text him all the time, he cannot miss you.

That being said, do not pester his family or his friends asking them for help to win your ex back. Treat them well and they may want to help you get back together later on.

4. Become the Best Person You Can Be

You can win your man back by becoming the best person you can be. It may sound strange, but taking your mind off the relationship for a while will actually raise your chances of getting back together.

Thinking about your breakup all the time will just put more pressure on you and your emotions. Whereas when you enjoy your own life and start engaging in activities that you enjoy, it will help you to get back on your feet and be the lovable person that your ex once fell in love with.

Just feeling good with yourself and your life will make you desirable for people around you. You will notice that and your ex will, too. It's kind of a magnetism that is hardwired in our brains.

5. Express Your Feelings

In order to be able to do what it takes to get your ex-boyfriend back, you need to restore your inner balance. A good way to achieve that is to let your feelings flow in those inevitable moments of weakness.

Let yourself feel all of the frustration, pain, and disappointment. Create an emotional outlet. Numbing yourself or creating a false positive mood may actually hurt you even more, and this will not allow your wounds to heal. In fact, it can make it very hard to think straight and put together an effective strategy for winning him back.

Even worse, you might take the negative emotions right back into your renewed partnership, and this is something you definitely do not want to do.

6. Analyze What Went Wrong

Start thinking about what went wrong within your partnership and what may have caused things to get out of hand. Think of your ex as a nice person instead of assuming he was just trying to harm you. It may come as a surprise to you how this particular attitude makes it much easier to win him back.

When a breakup happens, it is usually not the fault of just one person. Try to put yourself in his shoes. See things through his eyes. In the whole breakup thing, what part could you have possibly played? Is there anything you failed to see until now?

Try to remember yourself as the person he fell in love with. Has time altered you in some unfavorable way? Are you still the woman he first started dating or did you become quietly resentful? Could it be that you changed into another person without realizing it?

There are many more possible reasons why he may have broken up with you. You might find out that whatever you believed was the reason was just covering a deeper reason. Once you understand that deeper reason, you are much closer to knowing the way to get him back.

7. Identify the Real Reasons for the Breakup

In my daily work as a relationship counselor, I've learned from talking with a great number of men that there are only a few reasons why men leave their women. Here are a few of them.

Not Enough Freedom

One of the main reasons is that the man doesn't have enough freedom. How can that possibly be, you might think, when we always had so much fun together? We women tend to cherish the time we have with our man so much that we want to be together with him all the time.

But to keep him head-over-heels in love with you, you need to give him some freedom from time to time. This does not mean you let him go out to flirt with other women. It just means that you let him have some fun being out with his guy friends from time to time. Meanwhile, you could have a great time too with your girlfriends.

Not Attracted to You Anymore

Another core reason, and this is a hard one to hear, is that he's not so attracted to you anymore. How could that be possible, you might say? After all, he found you attractive enough to court you and get into a relationship with you and see you in all kinds of unflattering situations.

Well, you're absolutely right, but once you get him back, you'll have to watch out to not get lazy and comfortable. A man needs to see and feel that it's still important for you to be attractive to him. If you're not dressing up for him anymore, it looks to him as if you don't care and take him for granted. It may seem different sometimes but even after months and years, appearance still matters big time.

Doesn't Feel Needed

One more common reason I encountered is that the man does not feel needed. It may come as a surprise to you, but it's very important for a man to feel needed in the relationship. Once he gets the impression that his woman does not seek his help anymore, it lowers his self confidence in a major way. That feeling of redundancy can quite quickly grow unbearable to him. If you find this is one of the reasons for your breakup, reversing that alone may be your answer.

8. Design a Whole New Relationship With Him

It may sound harsh, but first of all you have to accept that the relationship you had is over. However, this is not necessarily a reason to get depressed, because something in that relationship must have been very good. If it wasn't, you wouldn't want your man back. It is very possible for your ex to also realize that after some time he wants to get back together with you. So one good thing is that you can have a whole new relationship with him, and this time you can do it right!

So, it's time to design that new relationship. First of all, think about what you would expect from a new relationship and what you are ready to give in exchange to make it work. You may want to write that down, sleep over it, read it again tomorrow, and work on it some more until you think it's fair for each of you. It may be a bit of work, but you should see it as a chance to create the relationship you've always wanted. Think of it like: "I am not only finding out how to get my man back. I am also working on having a happy, fulfilling life with him afterwards".

Before you take action, it is also very important that you forgive yourself and him for some things you did that now appear stupid in hindsight. Remind yourself of the great times that you were having together. Doing that will heal the hurt you're experiencing now and rebuild your self esteem.

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10. Become the Object of His Desire

Think about how you could further improve your appearance to win your man back. How about trying a new hairstyle, lightening your teeth, or getting some new makeup? Get some new clothes if you want to. In case you recently put on a few pounds, start eating healthy and exercising. You will look better and better on the outside, and this will make you feel better about yourself every day. Soon you'll be much more happy and confident and others will notice that.

However, don't go over the top. Don't do cosmetic surgery, tattoos, or other extreme changes that are only motivated by the breakup. It will only make you seem like you're craving attention and that would be the opposite of what you want to achieve.

Be sure it's your style. Do not put on a facade just to get him back. You do want to attract him, but you surely do not want him to fall in love with an act, do you?

You need to understand that this is not about changing your personality. It's about emphasizing those parts of your personality that are already attractive - especially to your ex!

11. Reconnect With Him the Right Way

You understand how your man's brain works because you've been with him before. Now it's about time to make use of that knowledge to decide which communication method will be the best to use to reconnect with him. Does he prefer to communicate via e-mail? Or does he prefer the telephone or face-to-face conversation?

If you are unsure right now of which communication method will work best, you can't go wrong by sending him a simple text or something like a birthday card just to show that you think about him. It may very well happen that you quickly receive an answer!

If your man is more the telephone or face-to-face type, it may be a bit difficult, because the first conversation after a breakup is not so easy. Here are a few tricks that can help you in that convo:

  • Be interested in what he's been doing. Don't be jealous or critical, no matter what he did.
  • Be straightforward. Don't start to drop hints for him to figure out how you feel.
  • Try to respect him and his decision. Don't attempt to convince him that he has made a mistake. You would just prove that he was the right.
  • No pity pleas. If you act like you deserve to be hurt and try to get him to pity you, you will just appear unattractive.
  • Apart from that, you could talk about anything. Failsafe topics are current events, funny things that happened to you, or movies and TV shows.

If You Meet Him in Public

Meeting your ex in public is a whole different story than talking to him on the phone or texting him. This situation can be much more tense and there are a lot more mistakes to be made. To prevent that, let me give you a few tips:

If you two are in the same space, start making eye contact. Show him that there is still something about him that makes your heart beat faster. Do this very subtly.

Don't sabotage yourself by going overboard.

Do your best to be interesting when talking to your ex. Don't make it appear like you were just yearning for him all the time. Make him see that you are living a fulfilling life even though he decided not be a part of it. Be sure to come across as independent, secure, and positive. Do not act arrogant, aloof or indifferent.

When you happen to be in a group situation with your ex, remind him now and then of situations or events he used to find extremely appealing or would even arouse him. Keep it subtle—just let that seductiveness flow through you and your behavior.

Make him see that you're doing well either with or without him. Show him that you would gladly take him back, but that you would also be perfectly okay without him. It's his loss if he decides not to be a part of your life. Believe me, you cannot imagine how seductive this is for a guy.

If there is another woman with him, avoid letting him see you getting nervous. Even if you feel like it, making a scene in front of his friends will not help you.

Sealing the Deal

So the efforts you've taken are starting to pay off, he's showing signs that he's interested in getting back together, and you see each other more regularly. Now the challenge is to establish a new, better relationship and get him back for good.

When talking to him, be straightforward, not overwhelming. When you discuss the fact that you both want to get back together, express exactly what you want but avoid going overboard and appearing desperate and clingy. Remember, you want to get him back forever.

It is also important to show him that you are ready to make changes to make things work. This doesn't mean that you have to alter your personality, but it is necessary for the both of you to be prepared to adjust behaviors that are harmful to your partnership. Remember the notes that you made when you designed your new relationship? Keep them in mind or have them with you.

If you want to touch him, do it in a delicate but affectionate way. If you have already established a sensible relationship and meet him in public, you can put your hand on his shoulder for a second when you leave.

One more thing: Don't have sex with your ex while you are not yet back in a new relationship because it would convey to him that he's got you at his disposal and a genuine partnership is not necessary. It's better to use the additional attraction to get him back forever.

Does He Want You Back?

Even if you see your ex occasionally, it may be hard to tell whether he is interested in getting back together with you or not. The following examples may help you with that:

One sign that your ex might be thinking of getting together with you again is when he is frequently telling you what happens in his daily life and even conveys interest for you to participate.

Another sign would be if he keeps sending you texts or emails simply to make you notice him. This is also the case if he frequently goes out of his way just to keep up communication with you, be it directly or via common friends.

A fairly clear indication that he's thinking about coming back is when he seriously wants to talk about the breakup and ways the relationship might have worked better.

And probably the best and strongest sign is when he looks at you the same way as he did when the two of you met for the first time and fell in love.

Getting Him Back Is Just the Beginning

It is absolutely possible to get your boyfriend back if you have the right game plan and understand and follow these methods. But naturally, this is just the beginning. You feel loved again, the tears go away, you relax . . . and right there is the danger!

Your life is okay again, you feel good and when you get used to this once more it can easily happen that you forget to work on the relationship.

Let me make this clear: it may be true that you two are meant for each other, but even if that is the case, you need to practice things like expressing your needs and ensuring good communication to keep your relationship strong and happy.

Is It Too Late?

Could it indeed be too late to win your ex back? Great question. It really comes down to the following: Did you ever miss somebody, for example a very good friend or a relative living abroad for some time, and as soon as you saw them again, it immediately felt wonderful to be together?

This happens because human beings tend to memorize relationships along with their positive emotions - especially men - and this means your man does it too with you and the relationship you had together!

So you don't have to worry if it's too late, because it never is.

Should You Try to Make Him Jealous?

Just three words: Don't do it! Trying to get him back by humiliating your ex in such a way will just make him think that you no longer care for him and are just out to hurt him.

I know there are always some people around encouraging you to date just anyone to make your ex-man jealous. In fact, jealousy may work to win your man back for a tiny fraction of women, but the risk of having the opposite happen is much too high.

Chances are that it will appear to him that you are over him and it's time for him to move on, too. Men tend to think like that.

Even if the jealousy method would work in your case, it would fail to bring you that long-term partnership you desire. Many times, couples find themselves in just another breakup because jealousy alone is just not a good enough reason to stay together.

So, being seen in a circle with good male friends will be absolutely sufficient to deliver the information that you're still desirable.

Good Luck!

I know that every situation is unique so I wish you the very best in yours. I hope you do find happiness, whether that's with your ex or with someone new.

I Would Love Your Input! Please Tell Me How You Feel and What You're About to Do to Get Your Loved One Back

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    • profile image

      Yusrah 4 weeks ago

      Hi,

      I have been in a relationship for 8years..My ex and i are of different religion..on the first of this year he posted he was in relationship with someone else..i was shocked and query..he informed me its true and that they are going to get married..It was the most painful moment..However, we continue to text each other and meet each other. He inform me when he is with her and as soon as he leaves he text me..it hurts me a lot..we had decided to break our relationshio however non of us are able..it has never been a day since the 8years we are without contact..each time we decide to stop..we give up and text again..am confused about his feeling...one day he told me he loves her and will marry her..he said i would not be able to hear the truth...it hurts so much..but we continue our relationship

      Now we meet more often..spend more time together..talked about the past moment..its like we are a new couple..but i know its not true..He loves the other one..it hurts so much and i love him so much.each time i said stop texting ..he said no...am living the most difficult moment...to let go someone i love..sometimes i get the impression he loves me too.. but i know its not true

    • profile image

      Anonymous 5 months ago

      Hi there I was recently in a relationship for almost a year. Things moved pretty fast we started dating in Aug. we moved in together in October, he moved into my place with myself and my daughter. I was aware in the beginning that he has 5 children by 5 different women. Yes I know most would run however I was intrigued by him being In each of their lives being that my daughter doesn't have a father in her life. Things were great he did everything for me kind of like the perfect guy. I lost my job in Dec. he picked up a second one to help us out. I got pregnant in Dec. as well but miscarried late Jan. Things began to Change we argued more, I would always put him out then let him come back. In April I found out I am expecting again. He and his last child's mother came to a conclusion without me that he'd be helping keep their son over night while she work. I got upset being that he lives with me I think he should've consulted me as well. We argued I put him out he begged to come back I let him. We talked for a few mins he began to yell and blow things out of content at that point I had enough told him to leave again it was over began helping him pack his stuff and a condom fell out his jeans he had on the night before. Totally hurt me dearly. He tried to explain but I didn't want to hear it. Days after he tried talking but I kept ignoring him. But deep in my heart I wanted him to come back. Now it's May and he will not talk to me at all I can not even get him to come over when I'm sick. What do I do is there any chance of getting him back I love him and do not want to bring another child into this world to raise alone. PLEASE HELP

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      Diseetea 11 months ago

      Hello,

      My boyfriend and I broke up 4days ago. He said he needs to clear his mind and he wants freedom from me. I begged for him and he keeps on ignorinh me even if I promised to change. What should I do to have him back?

    • profile image

      Nancy 18 months ago

      Hi Fiona,

      I find your tips very useful. I wish I had found them few days ago when my boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years because of a girl he met a month ago. I am hopeless in terms of getting him back. I have little by little chased him away with always trying to know his every moves and know what is on his phone since we live in different states and only see each other only on the weekends or if take some vacations from work. 3 weeks ago, he started giving me the silence treatment after I got mad at him for leaving his phone at his friend's house for a week without even trying to reach me. And I did not pick up his calls once he got his phone back. Then on Monday, he decided to ends things and told me he has been seeing someone else for the the past 3 weeks. From what he told me I rushed things when talking about moving in together, meeting his mother for the first time since she lives out of the country (it first was his idea and I just kept reminding him) and having kids. But that was a 8 months ago that I last talked about kids and living together. I even told him I will be patient and wait until he is ready. Nonetheless, he considers that saying I will be patient won't undo what I already said. He kept saying that I deserve better and that he doesn't know what he wants. I feel like it went all the way to cheat on me with the new girl just to push me way because he "can't give me what I want" (his words) and she is not yet looking for any commitment. I went through a depression and was hospitalized for that after I did some begging and repeatedly reminding what I have given up for him; That was not a good and smart thing to do, I realized, especially since I might lose my job because of what happened. That definitively pushed him even further away as he doesn't want to take a chance with someone who seems emotionally unbalanced and needed. He said we could stay friend and prefer me not to call him all the time but could text him. However, he is not even answering my texts.It is probably because it has not even been a week that he ended things, but I am afraid to lose him for good if I leave more time before reaching out to him. In those two years, he was not just my boyfriend but also my best friend and it is hard to let it go like everyone around me is trying to force me to do. He is such a good person and was always there for me; I can't even be mad at him for what he did. I don't know how to regain his respect and his attention. How can I get him back after all I did? I know I have a lot of work to do if we ever get back together but it is the first steps toward reconnecting and get him back that seem so impossible. Please help

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
      Author

      HaveLoveInYourL 2 years ago

      Hi Dee! It's hard to say anything without knowing more about your man, but I think he is definitely not one to buy a house and then live there alone. From what you told me I know he's a good guy. He really may be overwhelmed by his responsibilities right now. Just try to put yourself in his shoes for a moment: You bought a house, took lots of financial and legal responsibility, worked on the house and probably still did your daytime job also. After doing all that for some time you're at the end of your tether. Now your spouse comes along and wants a new couch, more attention, more sex. You say you need a break, but your spouse keeps on pressuring you. Now, how would you feel? Well, you'd probably feel completely exhausted and overwhelmed. In that state, every human being can only think of one thing: A way to get some rest, no matter how. It doesn't even have to do something with you as a person. He just needs some rest urgently, to recharge his batteries. If a person is stressed in such a way, he cannot feel anything. He probably does not even want to do the things he liked before, because he can't feel anything - not fun, not love, just this huge exhaustion. And maybe, just maybe, that's why he did what he did. Now, it's a good thing that the two of you are still on talking terms. Tell him what you told me in your second message. Tell him that you did not know how he felt, you probably asked to much of him at that time and you're sorry for that. Then give him some space for a few days or weeks. During that time, ask him how he's doing, show that you care, but not too much. Just let him life his life, but show you're still there for him if he needs you. He still sleeps in the same bed and that could be a sign that there is still some love for you in him. Use the advantage that you can still be around and talk to him, but give him some time to breathe. Maybe he will change his mind.

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      Dee 2 years ago

      Also I wanted to add that I felt him shift when we first moved in but he made the excuse that it was just our circumstances and after a while I started to feel like it was me. I guess I pressured him to give me more attention more sex and would try try try. He always told me to give him a break but I didn't quite understand what that meant until now. I wish he was more clear and I let the dream of owning a house get to me. I wanted a new couch I wanted this and that and he just wanted to tell me to slow down which I eventually did but not after a while and I feel bad for it I should've seen it from his point right away but I'm mad he didn't understand me either. He saw my daughter for the first time this morning I was staying at my parents for 3 days right after the break up and he's really hurt about her situation he is going to miss her he played with her and before he left she asked him if he is going to give mommy a kiss too and I just said that's ok and he said how about I give her a hug. I am so saddened by our situation and how unfortunate it is. I know in my bones that I made him lose attraction by appearing too needy and being insecure and now we are here. I have personally found this to be an awakening moment for me I am glad it happened but sad that he won't give us a chance. I asked him twice and I realize I shouldn't have. Now what?

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      Dee 2 years ago

      I'm living with him and he broke up with me a week ago. He sleeps in the same bed as me we are in talking terms and it hurts. He has told me that he feels emotionally disconnected from me and that he feels it in his bones that we were not compatible. We just moved into a brand new home we built for about 6 months and he has been feeling pressure from everywhere. He has taken a lot of financial responsibility and he says that's how he knew it was going to be and that he needed to sacrifice for us but he feels that it's inevitable that we are just not meant to be because of how we see things in different ways. He said it was our fundementa differences and that it really resonates with him. He told me he felt it when we started looking for a house and I feel it's unfair that he never spoke up or communicated in a way that I would understand him. He said he guesses he's just looking for someone who gets it. He has never been in a relationship past 2 years and he told me before we broke up that he has never tired so hard and that he didn't want to just give up he wanted to face the music but once I got him to open up to me on my he's been so down and depressed the last few weeks he cried and said he felt shame for leading me on he said I deserved better and that I'm a nice person and then it was clear to him that it was over. He told me to cancel the counseling session which was 2 weeks away. I am so incredibly hurt and I shock I have asked twice if he was sure and he made it clear but something tells me it's not because of how much he has done for us and wanted to do and he doesn't realize that couples are just different this is how you learn each other and become stronger. I tried telling him but he didn't hear me. He is still done but why is he sleeping in the same bed? Any advice on if I should just give up? I don't want to because I feel I was wrong I mean he was too but I should've stepped up financially and been more responsible like I wanted to be but didn't.

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
      Author

      HaveLoveInYourL 2 years ago

      Hi Cali! You are right, the guy may indeed be confused and uncertain at the moment. Considering what happened to him it is more than understandable. He is definitely insecure about his future. But you can only help him if he is able to make a commitment. Your breakup is already three months ago, so 'no contact' for a week at a time should be enough. This is a special case and I think you did this right. However, regarding your relationship, 3 months should be enough time for him to think. So, when you get to the kissing next time, stop right there and tell him carefully that it doesn't feel quite right for you and you need to know about his feelings. Don't be harsh and do not let it become an argument. Just tell him, so he knows this cannot go on like that for much longer and you need his decision some time soon. You can even continue kissing later on, but once you've made your point it will work in his head. Then continue to be in his life for some weeks. You will see his reaction. If he does not react at all, make it clear to him that it cannot be like this for very much longer. I feel you love him and you really could help him to get his life back on track, but you need his commitment and respect to do that. Love Fiona

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
      Author

      HaveLoveInYourL 2 years ago

      Hi Jennifer! This sounds like a complicated situation. Even if it may sound harsh I feel obligated to be honest to you. The guy definitely has feelings for you, otherwise he would not have stayed in contact with you for 6 months. But how can he be too overwhelmed with life to answer your calls and texts and still find the time to be active on facebook and even reactivate his profile on the dating site? He already hurts you by not communicating, so you have a right to know the score. What if you just call him from a number he does not know? If he answers, just ask him what this is all about. I know, it may sound a bit intimidating to be so blunt, but I think it's the only way to stop your suffering.

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      Jennifer 2 years ago

      Hello…

      I have been seeing a guy I met on-line for 6 months. He asked me to be exclusive pretty quickly. He told me that he loved me first and it took me a while longer to say it. He has been pushing the relationship forward much faster than I have. He has talked about moving in together soon and wanting to be married sometime this summer, although no formal proposal. He is 41 and never been married. I am 43 and divorced.

      We have had a great relationship, never had any fights, great time together, I have met his friends and parents, he has met my friends and my kids. When he is overwhelmed with stress, he will “retreat” for a couple of days and I just let him be. Usually on day 3 he calls and all is well. This has happened about 4-5 times since August.

      We last spoke 12/23 with plans to get together 12/24. He never called or showed. He won’t answer my calls or return my texts. He has been active on FB and a friend saw his profile active again on the dating web site. I have NO idea what happened! We both had a really rough and stressful December individually, but we were there for each other and supported each other.

      Why would he suddenly just vanish with no communication? If he suddenly wanted to end our relationship, why not at least give me the common decency or a conversation?

      My gut is telling me that he is overwhelmed with life and the seriousness of the relationship and just needs time to process it all and just leave him alone and ignore him, which I have been doing, 4 text messages and 4 voice mails since 12/24. Let him miss me and he will sort out his head and come back.

      Thoughts? Has anyone else been through this?

      I also figure if he is on the dating site at all hours of the day/night…at least he isn’t out on any dates right? lol!

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      Cali 2 years ago

      Hi Fiona.

      I really liked reading your article and definitely think some of the things you say could be useful, however I would still like some more personal advice regarding my situation and would greatly appreciate it if you could help me!

      My boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago. Although I have researched and know about no contact, I haven't been able to stick to it for longer than a week at a time. My ex wants me in his life but says things like he doesn't want a relationship right now and doesn't want to go on dates right now. His actions do not match his words, though. We have spent a decent amount of time together since the break up. When we have gone out he insists on paying for my meals and drinks. When we are just hanging at his house watching movies he generally is flirtatious and each meeting ends with some kissing - no sex. Always touchy feely but nothing more.

      When we broke up it was in the heat of the moment. We had been sort of unhappy with each other for a while before the break up over things we could have communicated, but instead we let things build up and it eventually blew up in our faces. I didn't think he would want to stay broken up, as we loved spending time together and had such a fun relationship. I figured some space was necessary, but that it would only be necessary temporarily.

      I should also probably mention that he is in a wheelchair. About 11 months before I met him he was in a tragic accident leaving him paralyzed. He is almost 30, but since the accident he has to live with his parents and needs help doing most everything. He has not worked since he was hurt which I also think plays a role in his insecurities regarding discussing future plans and such as his life seems much more uncertain at this juncture.

      I have had friends tell me that he is now just stringing me along and taking advantage of me when he is lonely and bored. However, he knows I still have feelings for him and want this to work out at some point. I simply don't think he would intentionally hurt me. I truly believe he is confused. It seems like it's as if he forces himself to treat our relationship as a break up instead of getting close again.

      Anyway, I know this is long. I am seeing him before I head back to school on Sunday and he and I have talked about distancing ourselves after that for a while. It's not his decision...more mine. It's hard for me to separate my feelings for him when he doesn't want to pursue the relationship at this time. I am wondering if disappearing for a while will make him miss me since he has not truly had a chance to yet? Please help!! Thank you!

      Cali

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
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      HaveLoveInYourL 2 years ago

      Hi Lola, there is always a chance, but I need to know a little bit more to help you. Did I get this right that you broke up 7 years ago?

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
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      HaveLoveInYourL 2 years ago

      Hi al1082, I see that your boyfriend feels really deep for you, otherwise he would not have come back the first time you broke up. However, despite of what he is saying, that other girl may still play a role somewhere. I would suggest you stay in loose contact with him and try to find out if he is actually on his own right now. If he won't talk to you, carefully contact mutual friends, but not too often, as they might tell him. Until you know what's going on, try to have fun with friends, go out, be the best person you can be. Show him that are still a fun person, who maybe still wants him, but can also do without him. After a few weeks, give him a small hint that you still miss him a little. Don't say too much, just so he gets that you *may* still be available to him. By then, he may have come to the conclusion that he still loves you. You'll feel where you can take it from there. It sounds like you had a really long and loving relationship and he already came back one time, so there is definitely a chance!

      Love, Fiona

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      lola 2 years ago

      Can u win ur ex back after he broke up with u and than I've been with another guy out of vulnerability and slept with the guy as I faced a rough patch in my life and my ex just left me e dated for 7 years and 8 months now he feels I acted like a bitch and he trusted me I feel so lost as I made a mistake and regret it and want my ex back

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      al1082 2 years ago

      Hi,

      I'm currently a college student and I just broke up with my boyfriend a week ago. I'll try to abbreviate the whole story as much as possible here. We had a two-year serious relationship together but I once cheated on him for a month and that started a month after we got together because at the time I was confused and not emotionally satisfied shortly after I got out from my previous relationship. He found it out himself, and at the time I didn't tell him the whole story but he was willing to continue our relationship based on the facts he knew. Our relationship got really serious but he once had a break a year after we got together because he would occasionally have doubts of me not telling him the whole story. Yet, he soon later told me about how stupid he was to make it such a big deal while he could live happily with me and see I've changed, and told me he wanted to be with me for the better and worse for years to come. I could really see his determination at the time and I truly believed him so I treated the relationship really serious as well. Not only our parents met each other but also other family members.We went back to our own countries this summer, and three weeks after he visited me he told me he wanted to break up. I was totally shocked and did not see that coming as there were no signs at all. The reasons he used were the fact he could not get over the past, trust me 100%, and he had a crush on his female best friend of his which he claimed it proved he could get over me. I decided to tell him the whole story few hours later he brought up the separation, and he got extremely angry and devastated, thought I ruined our future . I know I should have been transparent at the first place but I wanted to prove to him and tell him the truth long after so that he could believe me and not making it a big deal. He thought that once a cheater always a cheater and I tried to tell him the reason why it happened and it will never happen ever again, but there is nothing I can do other than letting the time prove itself. We had been fighting ever since that, and two months after he realized that it was the fact his feeling changed so he apologized to me. He also told me not to worry about his crush because it is already a past tense. The month after he realized that, even we were not officially together, we were once improving in a good term as we hanged out more and he told me that as long as we had this mutual feeling others things would not matter we just have to take it slow. We were once again apart for a week during thanksgiving holiday, and I overreacted toward him because I know the girl was there as well. Especially I tried to contact him twice, he did not reply me and turned out he was first with the girl alone and second talking to the girl on the phone for an hour. I was telling him that he could have sent me a text to clear my doubts because I was so worried and tried not to link any connection to the girl. He said he understand the reason I was reacting like that, but then he got really impatient every time I tried to contact him. The day we met as we got back from the holiday break, he told me he felt like we were still in relationship for the past few months, and he wanted a real break up this time. Deep inside I blamed myself so much because I felt like it was the way I reacted during the break that changed his mind. I used the first three days to get my thoughts together and really analyze why everything happened that way. Instead of putting so much effort to make everything work, I tried really hard to understand what he wants in the relationship. I told him I discovered that we became too dependent on each other because we hung out every single day, and he felt like he lost his independence and had restrictions because of being in a relationship. I apologized to him and hope he could make everything work by balancing his own social life and our relationship. I told him relationship is all about feelings not reasons, and I apologized to him for being too stubborn, jealous and sensitive and that I'm already improving. I also told him about the fact I should not express my expectation, and the fact I see this as a new chapter in my life that I want him to be in it as well. I don't want to get back together with him because it would be going back to previous relationship, and I want to start a new relationship with him slowly, but right now he just wants to be 100% independent and away from me as he gets annoyed every time I saw him. He said he wants to improve himself and not relying on other people; when he misses me he would do anything to distract himself. He told me he wants to figure out things by himself over time such as regretting letting me go as he is also very stubborn and doesn't listen to other people, and he may not be ready to talk to me months or even years after. I'm scared that if it takes too long he will sooner or later lose interest on me but I don't know how to deal with the whole situation and pick the best time to get close to him. I would greatly appreciate your advice and help, and please let me know if you need any other information about the situation. Thanks.

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
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      HaveLoveInYourL 2 years ago

      Hi Sagdiva, you're welcome! Thanks for the message!

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      Kay Adams 3 years ago from Maryland

      I have a guy that I have been friends with for years. However, we'll hangout once in a while & have a great time. But then, I don't hear from him for a long time. I am not his woman, but I would like to be. Thanks for the cool advice.

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
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      HaveLoveInYourL 3 years ago

      @allieviolinist: Hi Allie, reading your story almost broke my heart! It really sounds to me that you had something special going. However, you're right, his actions match his words only partly. I'm not sure that this is all about his grades. From my experience, there are two possibilities: Either he got scared that the relationship could get to close or there could be another person influencing him. Now, what can we do? After all you've written I'm very positive that his feelings for you were very strong - and probably still are. So reduce contact a bit to, say, a text message every 4-5 days. If you write him, tell him what you're doing right now and that you're having fun. After 3-4 message add some sentence that this reminds you of the good times you had together and how much you appreciate you've had them. Be sure to not sound desperate or clingy, but also not aloof. With these messages you will let him now that you can do without him, but there may be a way back to you. If his feelings for you are still strong he may realize that the person influencing him does not have entirely unselfish intentions or - if it is another girl - he may see that his feelings for you are stronger. Love, Fiona

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      HaveLoveInYourL 3 years ago

      @Maradams1021: Hi Maradams, using your emotions as tools is a very good thing. Just be sure you don't come over as needy and clingy in the beginning for it could scare him off. Wishing you all the luck in the world! Love, Fiona

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      allieviolinist 3 years ago

      Hello Fiona,

      My ex-boyfriend and I are currently in college. We both go to the same college and started dating in the transition from the fall to spring semester. We both met each other in the fall and were best friends for 4 months before we even started dating. Then, when the spring semester ended and we left for the summer, he called me to break up with me. I was completely blind-sided. The 5 months we dated were absolutely great; it was one of those great relationships when you're best friends with him at the same time. We did everything together and enjoyed being together. Throughout the entire semester, he never failed to show and display his love for me, as I did for him as well. There were no problems, hesitancy, awkwardness, or any intentions shown that he intended on breaking up with me any time soon; even his best friend didn't see this coming. I was completely convinced that our relationship was fine. However, when he called to breakup, he told me he was breaking up with me 1) because he felt like he needed to focus more on academics, and 2) because he had lost feelings for me during the semester. In my opinion, the first reason is somewhat valid, however I know for a fact that his grades were better in the spring semester than the fall semester, after we had started dated. However, my problem lies with his second reason. His actions didn't match his words, To the very end of the semester, he treated me just as lovingly as he did at the very beginning of our relationship, he did things that showed that he wasn't simply faking our relationship to get to the end, for example, buying plane tickets to come visit me over the summer and telling me how much he was going to miss me over the summer. he continued to tell me how much he thought we were perfect for each other and how we are like the same person, finishing each others sentences. It's so strange. Neither I nor our best friends saw this coming. My ex boyfriend is quite an introvert and can be very analytical at times. While on the phone breaking up, he told me that he spent a lot of time analyzing the school year and trying to figure out if he was really happy with how his grades and how things were telling me that college is a one-shot deal and that he really has to make it count (he likes to write his thoughts to come decisions). I have this feeling that he is using the space between us this summer to make all of this easier on his heart. He is always stressed about grades, even when his grades are good, and I can't help but think that this concern is what has convinced him that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore, even if it is sub-conscieous. This breakup would be easier for me if this all made sense, but his telling me he lost feelings for over the semester and his actions to the very end of the semester say the complete opposite, which makes me hesitant to move on. I know this is college and people break up all the time, but my ex and I really do have something special, there's things we say/said to each other that we can't say to anyone else, and I've never met someone so similar to me with personality, morals, religion, politics, life-views, interests, etc. and even our group of closest friends sees this. I just need help, because I feel like my feelings for him won't change, especially because there weren't any problems or reasons in our relationship that would lead me to do so. This just recently happened about a week ago, but I need help figuring out what I should do. Please help.

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
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      HaveLoveInYourL 3 years ago

      @Maradams1021: Agreed completely!

      Love,

      Fiona

    • HaveLoveInYourL profile image
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      HaveLoveInYourL 3 years ago

      @mariebauer: Hey Marie, I'm truly sorry for you, but no contact for one year is a bit too long. About four weeks should be more than enough. If you still feel for him after a whole year, you may want to take action. If he still feels for you there might still be a chance to get him back!

      Love Fiona

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      HaveLoveInYourL 3 years ago

      @jimcatherine: If there is any spark of love left in him, you will get him back if you use the above methods. The important thing for you is to make absolutely clear to him that your previous relationship has ended and that you did not cheat on him. However, if your relationship ended a week before and he is already going to "marry someone else" soon, it rings a bell to me. Please make sure that he did not have another relationship himself and just used your cheating to make the breakup your fault. But this is just to be cautious and of course I can be totally wrong. I just don't want you to get hurt any more. If there is any love left, you will get him back!

      Love,

      Fiona

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      jimcatherine 3 years ago

      I had a relationship which ended a week before.He left me bcoz he think I cheated him and had hidden from him my previous relationship.Which is wrong.He is not convinced and said he is over with me and will marry someone soon.I read your article and will work accordingly.But will I be able to get him back?I love him more than my life.Please help and guide me.

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      mariebauer 3 years ago

      Great advice sometimes it does not helps. However. I once have a good relationship with my boyfriend, but after 8 years we ended up the relationship. Three months after breaking up, I almost lost my mind and cried for days and all I wanted was to win him back. However, I have regrets for not doing it, since 8 years is no joke after all. I followed no contact rule and it's been a year now and I almost forgot about my feelings for him. Right now, I think I have to move on, though I'm not closing my doors for him but I have learned a lot.

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      kriskappa 3 years ago

      If it worth doing... Good lens, a lot of useful info, thank you!

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      Maradams1021 3 years ago

      I feel sad when we parted our ways but the feeling of pain and sadness actually made some positive impacts. It made me realize that I truly love him and days were empty and lonely without him by my side. I just wish he felt the same way. I know he's up to something else but i am just hoping that somehow, he spared an empty room in his heart for me. These emotions will be my tools to get him back. It may not be an easy fight but I know it'll be worth it. I just have to tell him how much i love him and how much he means to me and hope that one day we will be together again. besides sincerity counts. hope he sees that.

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      Maradams1021 3 years ago

      be better..that's how you can win him back...but make sure that your purpose of becoming better is not for him but for you....the positive impacts will eventually branch out and it will show..even he can notice it and eventually. going back to you will come across his mind

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      These are really great advice! Just wish I had seen them sooner.

      Right now it feels worse for each day that goes by. 6 months since the breakup and he's been together with his new girlfriend for 2 months now, which is killing me inside since he has met her parents and I bet he's already sleeping with her as well. I've done most mistakes that I shouldn't have made, including getting mad and begging. I now know the real reason to why he left, I know I'd be able to fix it, but he doesn't wanna give me a new chance nor even be my friend anymore, he says he's done with me for good. I tried some of these advice the last days, which is hard since it's a big distance between us and he doesn't wanna talk to me, whenever I try to be sweet he mentions his girlfriend and gets cold and distant.

      I love him more for each day, so moving on isn't an option..

      The pain from missing him gives me nightmares and no appetite and physically harming myself has become the only way to remove the heart ache for a while.

      There's nothing I can do. I found out the real reason to the breakup too late, he had already begun hating me, he said it was his way to suppress his feelings for me and try to make me hate him so I could move on too. I've lost him for good.

      But definitely sharing these advice with a friend who just got dumped some days ago, hopefully he has bigger luck than me!

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      HaveLoveInYourL 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Yes, let me know! Looking forward!

      Love, Fiona

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      Sounds good!! Will try an report back 2 u!! Thx !

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      HaveLoveInYourL 4 years ago

      @anonymous: Glad it worked out! Love, Fiona

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      anonymous 4 years ago

      When my boyfriend and me got back together it went very similar. Nice Lens!