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You have flatly refused to forgive your ex. You say they do not deserve to be forgiven because of how they have treated you. The way you feel is hard to articulate in words. It is unbearable. You don’t know how you will get past the hurt. The pain is increasing day by day and you don’t know if you will ever heal.
Deep in your hurt, you feel that the person—your ex—who hurt you is enjoying their life oblivious of the pain they have inflicted upon you. Each day is difficult. Every day you cry. Every day you ask yourself why they hurt you. It hurts. It hurts a lot. Six months after the breakup, the pain has not decreased, nor do you feel it has remained constant. In fact, you believe it has been increasing. You wonder how you will ever get past this and move on.
What you may not have realized is that one of the main keys that can aid in the healing process from the hurt is forgiveness. It may be hard to believe it, but it is a fact which is backed by science. On top of that, there are other benefits derived from forgiveness which can aid in the healing process, and help you recover from the breakup and move on. This article will look at the nature of forgiveness and some of the benefits of forgiving your ex.
1. You Will Get Peace of Mind
If you don’t forgive, in essence you are allowing negative emotions to control your mind. When somebody is hurt, the emotions which result from the hurt are not positive in any way.
They include bitterness, resentment, anger, and hatred. If you allow them to continue being part of you because you’ve refused to forgive, they’ll torment your mind since the mind will be filled with negative thoughts.
2. Forgiving Your Ex Will Help With Healing and Recovery From the Breakup
Forgiveness aids in the healing process and eventual recovery from the breakup. If you don’t forgive, the healing process will be jeopardized. Forgiveness is accepting the fact that you’ve been hurt. However, you should not allow the hurt to go on ‘untreated.’ You should not hold on to the hurt—the negative emotions such as anger—because the wound in your heart will increase day by day. This can have catastrophic effects.
3. It Will Help You Get Rid of Negative Emotions
The first technique of getting rid of negative emotions after a breakup is to not entertain them. Of course, you have to experience them first, but not for long. After you’ve experienced them, you should deal with them by not entertaining them or letting them control your mind.
The second tactic to get rid of negative emotions is by forgiving your ex. When you don’t forgive, you allow the negative emotions to remain. Negative emotions are toxic as they can affect you both mentally and physically.
4. You Will Get New Strength to Move On
It is not easy to forgive. We feel it isn't right. After all, they don't deserve forgiveness after what they've done. When you take the step of forgiving, however hard it is, it will require all of your willpower. But once you forgive, you will gain an inner strength which will aid you to get over the hurt. Once you get over the hurt, then the recovery process will take place, and you will finally be able to move on.
5. Forgiveness Is for Your Own Benefit
It is easy to think that when you forgive your ex, you are giving them leeway to hurt you more. This is not the case. Forgiveness is for your own benefit. It works for you, not them. In fact it works for you more than for your ex.
You don't even have to tell your ex that you’ve forgiven them (unless they ask you for forgiveness specifically). All you need to do is let go of the hurt in your heart, and the healing process can begin.
6. It Helps You Regain Control and Power
When you are hurt, the negative emotions tend to take control of your life. This is tragic. In essence, it means your ex is controlling your life. As long as your ex is controlling your life, you are living under their rule. Your ex is your master.
Once you forgive your ex, you remove the power they have in your life to control you. You no longer live under their rule. The amount of time you spend not forgiving them is the amount of time they will continue to hurt you. Forgive them, and they will no longer torture your mind.
How To Forgive When You Can’t Forget
7. Forgiving Helps You Recover Your Happiness
When a person is hurt, they feel sad. They don't feel happy. They want to be alone and don't want to do anything. When you forgive, you return to the state of happiness you had before you got hurt. Your days will no longer be gloomy. You break the chains of the negative emotions that have hold of your mind. These negative emotions are the ones that make you unhappy and make you feel like your world is dark.
8. It Will Be Easier to Forgive Next Time
When you forgive, it means that you have learned the benefits of forgiveness. The next time you're hurt, you will immediately try to forgive. You will not be held back by saying that the person who hurt you doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. You will gain the strength to forgive, for you will know that doing so is for your own benefit, and not the benefit of the person who has hurt you.
9. You Cease to Be a Victim
When you forgive, you cease to be a victim of pain. You are no longer a wounded person who is still nursing injuries fifteen months after the breakup. Forgiveness is the determining factor in the ensuing healing process.
If you don’t forgive, the healing process will be jeopardized. It means you will remain a casualty or sufferer until you forgive. Since you have been involved in an accident (a breakup), you have become a victim. In your case, you have refused to seek treatment at the hospital (forgiveness), which is why you are still nursing wounds.
10. You Are No Longer Held Captive by Negative Emotions
If you don’t forgive, you will remain prey. You will always be hunted by the negative emotions that resulted from the hurt. Your ex will be hunting you, not directly, but indirectly. Remember that your ex is moving on with their life. It is the negative emotions that are hunting you, and you’ve allowed yourself to remain their prey for a long time. If you are not careful, the negative emotions can damage your life.
11. You Learn That Pain Is Inevitable and How to Deal With It
Once you learn to forgive, it will become clear that hurt is inevitable. As long as you live, you can never completely escape pain. When somebody hurts you, it should not take you a long time to forgive them. If you take a long time to forgive or you don't forgive, the hurt will keep on increasing daily. It will have negative effects on your life, both directly and indirectly. We can never escape from hurt. A human survives by dealing with hurt through forgiving if they want to live a meaningful, long, happy life.
12. You Let Go of Paying for Someone Else's Bad Behavior
You don’t have to pay the price of someone else’s wrongdoing unless you have decided to sacrifice yourself on his or her behalf. In this scenario where you've been hurt, you don’t have to experience the hurt feelings for the rest of your life. You don’t have to pay the price of your ex's misdoing while they are enjoying their life.
This doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their bad behavior. It is your heart we are talking about. It’s not a machine. The more hurt there is, the more it will have negative consequences in your life. When a heart is damaged beyond repair, the end result can be catastrophic.
Forgiving Your Ex Doesn't Mean You Condone Their Behavior
When you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that you condone their behavior. It just means that you're not holding onto the bad feelings that have resulted from it.
Sometimes hard steps need to be taken such as ending the relationship when your partner doesn’t seem to change their behavior. Ending a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t love them for who they are. No one is perfect. Every person has weaknesses.
When you forgive them, it doesn't mean that you should get back into the relationship. In some situations, though, you might both forgive your partner and give them another chance. It depends on you. If you feel you don’t want to be in the relationship, however, you can forgive them but not get back together.
Whether you are the initiator of a breakup, or the receiver, you should choose to forgive for it is for your own benefit. It is not for the benefit of your ex.
Forgiveness helps in healing, in burying negative emotions, and aiding you in moving forward as it will motivate you to move onward and help you find new opportunities to find love.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 20, 2017:
No comment. I agree with you 100%
dashingscorpio from Chicago on December 24, 2016:
In order to "move on" you have to "let go".
As long as one harbors ill will and dwells upon been done wrong they won't enter into a place where they can find new love.
Anger is the Mask that Hurt wears.
Oftentimes it is ourselves that we're really angry with because we feel we allowed ourselves to be placed in the position to be heart.
However being "in love" is impossible unless one has the (courage) to be vulnerable. This explains why so many try to avoid committed relationships. They're too afraid of being hurt.
The lesson one should take from being hurt isn't to harbor ill will but rather to become a "better shopper" when choosing their next mate.
Thankfully the world didn't come to an end!
There are over 7 Billion other people on this planet!
In order for your (ex) to have been "the one" they would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa).