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The Nature & Benefits Of Forgiveness & Forgiving Your Ex

Updated on March 29, 2017
Ben716 profile image

An expert in relationship matters, the following are articles which I've written which touch upon relationship issues.

You have flatly refused to forgive your ex. You say he deserves not to be forgiven because of how he had (has) treated you. The way you feel cannot be articulated well in words. It is unbearable. You don’t know how you will get past the hurt. The wound, the hurt, is increasing day-by-day and you don’t know if you will ever heal from the hurt.

Deep in your hurt you feel the person, your ex, who hurt you is enjoying his life oblivious of the pain he had (has) inflicted you. Living each day appears to be difficult. Every day you cry. Every day you ask yourself questions why he hurt you. It hurts. It hurts very badly. Six months after the break up, the pain has never decreased nor do you feel it has remained constant. You believe it has been increasing.

You are wondering how you will get past the hurt. What you may not have realized is that one of the main keys that can aid in the healing process from the hurt is forgiveness. It may appear hard to believe it but it is a fact which is backed by science. On top of that there are others benefits derived from forgiveness which can aid in the healing process, recovering from the breakup and assist you in moving on. This article will look at the benefits and nature of forgiveness.

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1. Peace of Mind

If you don’t forgive you are in essence allowing negative emotions to control your mind. When somebody is hurt, the emotions which result from the hurt are not positive in any way. They include: bitterness, resentment, anger and hatred. If you allow them to continue being part and parcel of you because you’ve refused to forgive; they’ll torment your mind since the mind will be filled with negative thoughts.

2. Healing & Recovery

Forgiveness aids in the healing process and eventual recovery from the breakup. If you don’t forgive the healing process will be jeopardized. Forgiveness is accepting you’ve been hurt but you are not going to allow the hurt to go on ‘untreated.’ You are not going to hold on to the hurt – the negative emotions such as anger – because the wound that had been created in your ‘heart’ will increase day-by-day which will be catastrophic in your life.

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3. Get Rid of Negative Emotions

The first technique of getting rid of negative emotions after a breakup is not entertaining the emotions. Of course, first you have to experience them but not for long. After you’ve experienced them then you deal with them by not entertaining them. The second tactic is by forgiving your ex. It helps in getting rid of the negative emotions. When you don’t forgive you allow the negative emotions to remain. Negative emotions are toxic as they will affect you in the negative way both mentally and physically.

4. Strength to Move On

It is not easy to forgive. We feel it is not right. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness after what he has done. When you take the step of forgiving however hard it is, it will require your willpower to arrive at that point. Once you forgive, you will gain an inner strength which will aid you to get over the hurt. Once you get over the hurt, then the recovery process will take place and finally you will be able to move on.

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5. Condoning & Not Condoning Behavior

When you forgive it doesn’t mean you are condoning the behavior of the one who hurt you. Normally, it depends with a situation. In the case of a break up, you can forgive but not condone the behavior. You will not condone the behavior by bringing the relationship to an end. You will forgive him but not accept to get back to the relationship. In some situations depending on your judgment, you can forgive and condone the behavior by giving your partner another chance. It depends with you. If you feel you don’t want to be in the relationship you will forgive him but not get back together with your ex.

6. Your Own Benefit

It is easy to think when you forgive your ex you are giving him the leeway to hurt you more. This is not the case. Forgiveness is for your own benefit. It works for you, not him. In fact it works for you more than your ex. Forgiveness doesn’t require you tell your ex you’ve forgiven him. If he asks for forgiveness do forgive him. If he wants the two of you to get back together and you don’t feel like you want, then tell him so.

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7. Regain Control Power

When you are hurt, the negative emotions tend to take control of your life. This is tragic. In essence, it means your ex is controlling your life. As long as your ex is controlling your life is as long as you are living as a slave. Your ex is your master.

Once you forgive your ex you remove the control power he has in your life. You will no longer live under the influence of his hurting you. As long as you don’t forgive him is as long he will still continue to hurt you. Forgive him and he will no longer torture your mind.

8. The Determining Factor Of Your Happiness

When a person is hurt she/he feels sad. She doesn’t feel happy. She wants to be alone. She feels she wants to be ‘out’ of this world. She has no mood for anything. When you forgive you return to the state of happiness you had before the hurt. Your days will no longer be gloom. When you forgive you are breaking the chains of negative emotions having hold of your mind. These negative emotions are the ones which make you unhappy and to feel a kind of darkness in your world.

9. You Learn To Forgive

When you forgive it means you have learned the benefits of forgiveness. Next time you are hurt you will purpose immediately to forgive. You will not be held up saying the person who hurt you doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. You will gain the strength to forgive for you will have known forgiving is for your own benefit not the person who has hurt you.

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10. Cease To Be A Victim

When you forgive you cease to be a victim of hurt. You are no longer a wounded person who is still nursing injuries fifteen months after the breakup. Forgiveness is the determining factor in the ensuing healing process. If you don’t forgive the healing process will be jeopardized. It means you will remain a casualty or sufferer until you forgive. Since you have been involved in an accident - breakup - you have become a victim. In your case you have refused for more than one year to seek treatment at the hospital – forgiveness – thereby you are still nursing wounds.

11. A Prey For Your Hunter

If you don’t forgive you will remain a prey. You will always be hunted with the negative emotions that resulted from the hurt. Your ex will be hunting you, not directly but indirectly. Remember your ex is moving on with his life. It is the negative emotions which resulted from hurt which are hunting you and you’ve accepted to remain their prey for a long time. If you are not careful, the negative emotions will kill you.

12. You Find Out Hurt Is Inevitable

Once you learn to forgive it will become clear hurt is inevitable. As long as you are living on earth you can never escape from hurt. When somebody hurts you it should not take you a long time to forgive. If you take a long time to forgive or you don't forgive, the hurt will keep on increasing daily. It will have negative effects on your life both directly and indirectly. We can never escape from hurt. A human survives by dealing with hurt through forgiving if he wants to live a meaningful-long-happy life.

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13. You Learn To Forgive

When you forgive it means you have learned the benefits of forgiveness. Next time you are hurt you will purpose immediately to forgive. You will not be held up saying the person who hurt you doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. You will gain the strength to forgive for you will have known forgiving is for your own benefit not the person who has hurt you.

14. Pay The Price

You don’t have to pay the price of someone else’s wrongdoing unless you have decided to sacrifice yourself on his/her behalf. In this scenario whereby you have been hurt, you don’t have to experience the hurt feelings for the rest of your life. You don’t have to pay the price whereby your ex is enjoying his life while you are paying the price of misdoing of his hurting you.

Secondly, forgiving your ex does not mean you are condoning his behavior. He has to pay the price for his wrongdoing not you. If you have been in a relationship whereby you have kept forgiving him, there reaches a time when you realize the relationship is turning out to be toxic. You can end the relationship to avoid more hurt. You will forgive your partner for repeatedly cheating you with another lady but you will have brought the relationship to an end (not condoning it anymore).

Sometimes hard steps need to be taken such as ending the relationship when your partner doesn’t seem to change his/her behavior. Ending a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t love him/her for who he/she is. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her because she is not perfect. True everyone is not perfect. Every person has weakness. This doesn’t mean when someone keeps cheating on you with another lady you tolerate the behavior. It is your heart we are talking about. It’s not a machine. The more the hurt the more it will have negative consequences in your life. When a heart is damaged beyond repair, the end result of it is catastrophic such as it can lead a person to commit suicide.

Whether you are an initiator of break up or receiver, choose to forgive for it is for your own benefit. It is not for the benefit of your ex. Forgiveness helps in healing, in burying negative emotions and aiding you in moving forward as it will motivate you to move onward and present you with expectation for another opportunity of finding love.

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    • Ben716 profile image
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      Alianess Benny Njuguna 5 months ago from Kenya

      No comment. I agree with you 100%

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 9 months ago

      Great advice!

      In order to "move on" you have to "let go".

      As long as one harbors ill will and dwells upon been done wrong they won't enter into a place where they can find new love.

      Anger is the Mask that Hurt wears.

      Oftentimes it is ourselves that we're really angry with because we feel we allowed ourselves to be placed in the position to be heart.

      However being "in love" is impossible unless one has the (courage) to be vulnerable. This explains why so many try to avoid committed relationships. They're too afraid of being hurt.

      The lesson one should take from being hurt isn't to harbor ill will but rather to become a "better shopper" when choosing their next mate.

      Thankfully the world didn't come to an end!

      There are over 7 Billion other people on this planet!

      In order for your (ex) to have been "the one" they would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually wants to be with you! (And vice versa).