Relationship Advice: How to Get Over Being Played
So, You Fell for a Player! Now What?
You may find yourself wondering what happened in a relationship. It’s the old scenario of realizing things aren't what they appeared to be. The worst case, and the most humiliating, is finding out it was never what you thought, that everything that was said and done was only a charade to cover the player’s real intention.
Let’s be real. As frustrating and degrading as it is, you were played.
First, I want to stress that you are not alone. Even the most people-savvy individual can find himself/herself the victim of a casual user. So how do you get over being played?
You Were Deceived.
Now the cold, hard truth sets in. You were deceived; you were played! You know you were led on. You see the relationship was never what you believed. You realize you allowed yourself to be manipulated by false promises or delusions of some sort. Where do you go from here and how do you deal with the humiliation?
Let’s talk about why you became involved with a player in the first place. Ask yourself this question: What positive feel-good things did I get out of the relationship?
On the other hand, what were the negatives of your involvement in the relationship? Let us list a few possibilities.
Relationship Outcomes: Positive and Negative
temporary emotional fulfillment
excitement of being pursued and desired
It’s necessary to consider and reflect on what kept you latched into the relationship before you can understand why you fell for a player. You can begin by asking yourself the following questions.
What Kept You in the Relationship?
- What caused you to fall for him (or her)?
Did he give you attention? Were you bored and unfulfilled sexually? Did you have anger and resentment leftover from a previous relationship? Did he seem to understand you like nobody else did? Did she know exactly what you were thinking?”
- What did you think when you began to fall for him (or her)?
Did you fantasize about him daily and believe that he could finally offer you the release you needed to be fulfilled? Did she offer you a way out of your present situation? Did he seem to understand your sexual needs and fulfill you in every way?
- How did you feel when you began to notice little inconsistencies and holes even though were enjoying the positive, feel-good things?
Did you feel anxious, excited, aroused, happy, nervous, uncertain, hopeful, caring, frustrated, and/or somewhat in denial?
- What did you want to do when you noticed his (or her) contradictions?
Did you want to question him about some of the confusion you detected in his statements? Did you want to say "no" to her requests for certain things that challenged your moral judgment and weren’t the kind of things you would normally do? Did you want to tell him that he was manipulating you? Did you want to ask her about those inconsistencies, but didn't? Did you ever want to tell him you thought he was not fair to you?
- What did you do when it became apparent he (or she) was not real, and you saw the relationship for what it really was?
Did you ignore your gut feeling that he was not all that he was presenting himself to be? Did you continue to flirt with and engage in sexual activity with her because she fulfilled so many needs? Were you blinded by your feelings for him (and the feel-good things)? Did you ignore the warning signs that were obvious? Did the bubble finally burst when she dropped out of your life with no explanation and never bothered to answer the last message you sent her? Did you refuse to contact him because, by then, you had realized he had just been playing you and throwing you a few crumbs to keep you hooked, keeping you hoping you would get the cake later?
- What was the result?
He didn’t meet your expectations and you found out he was a user. You tried to bargain and convince yourself she really did care for you. You were hurt when you realized his feelings were based on selfishness. You discerned her morality was not what you thought it was. You were disappointed, sad, lonely, humiliated, angry, jealous, and felt totally deceived and angry at yourself.
What Do You Do Now?
Are you devastated and beating yourself up daily? Are you thinking, “How could I have been so stupid to ignore the warning signs!?” How do you get over being played? This may be a good time to think back on past relationships and your pattern of choosing partners. Or, if this is the first time this has happened, then learn from the experience.
What can you do with the feelings? For starters, seek out someone you trust to confide in. If your sadness and guilt are too overwhelming, seek the guidance of a professional counselor or psychologist. Your feelings are important, and getting on with your life is critical. Talking it out with an encouraging person can be very healing.
Anger is a normal reaction to being “played.” Maybe you could write the player a mean letter and destroy it. Continually sending the player emails/texts, or leaving hateful, pleading voicemails is not the answer. The important thing is to acknowledge your anger and tell yourself, “I was played. I have a right to feel angry. I have a right to be angry at myself for allowing it.”
Now it is time to learn to forgive yourself. Let yourself heal and push onward!