So, You Fell for a Player! Now What?
You may find yourself wondering what happened in a relationship. It’s the old scenario of realizing things aren't what they appeared to be.
One of the worst case scenarios—and one of the most humiliating—is finding out it was never what you thought, that everything that was said and done was only a charade to cover the player’s real intention.
Let’s be real. As frustrating and degrading as it is, you were played.
First, I want to stress that you are not alone. Even the most people-savvy individuals can find themselves the victim of a casual user. So how do you get over being played?
I Got Played. Now What?
Now the cold, hard truth sets in. You were deceived; you were played! You know you were led on. You see the relationship was never what you believed. You realize you allowed yourself to be manipulated by false promises or delusions of some sort. Where do you go from here and how do you deal with the humiliation?
Try to Think of the Pros and Cons of the Relationship
Let’s talk about why you became involved with a player in the first place. Ask yourself this question: What positive feel-good things did I get out of the relationship?
On the other hand, what were the negatives of your involvement in the relationship? Let us list a few possibilities.
Relationship Outcomes: Positive and Negative
temporary emotional fulfillment
excitement of being pursued and desired
Questions to Help You Process Your Breakup
Thinking about why you stayed in the relationship can help you process your pain and start to move on.
1. What caused you to fall for them?
Did they give you attention? Were you bored and unfulfilled sexually? Did you have anger and resentment left over from a previous relationship? Did they seem to understand you like nobody else did? Did they know exactly what you were thinking?”
2. What did you think when you began to fall for them?
Did you fantasize about them daily and believe that they could finally offer you the release you needed to be fulfilled? Did they offer you a way out of your present situation or seem to understand your sexual needs and fulfill you in every way?
3. Did you ignore red flags and inconsistencies?
How did you feel when you began to notice little inconsistencies and holes even though you were enjoying the positive, feel-good things?
Did you feel anxious, excited, aroused, happy, nervous, uncertain, hopeful, caring, frustrated, and/or somewhat in denial?
4. What did you want to do when you noticed their contradictions?
Did you want to question him about some of the confusion you detected in their statements? Did you want to say "no" to their requests for certain things that challenged your moral judgment and weren’t the kind of things you would normally do? Did you want to tell them that they were manipulating you?
Did you want to ask them about those inconsistencies or to tell them you thought they were not fair to you?
5. What did you do when you finally saw the truth?
What did you do when it became apparent they were not real and the relationship wasn't what you thought it was?
- Did you ignore your gut feeling that they were not all that they were presenting themself to be?
- Did you continue to flirt with and engage in sexual activity with them because they fulfilled so many needs?
- Were you blinded by your feelings for them (and the feel-good things)?
- Did you ignore the warning signs that were obvious?
- Did the bubble finally burst when she dropped out of your life with no explanation and they never bothered to answer the last message you sent them?
- Did you refuse to contact them because, by then, you had realized they had just been playing you and throwing you a few crumbs to keep you hooked, keeping you hoping you would get the cake later?
6. What was the final result?
They didn’t meet your expectations and you found out they were a user. You tried to bargain and convince yourself they really did care for you. You were hurt when you realized their feelings were based on selfishness. You discerned their morality was not what you thought it was. You were disappointed, sad, lonely, humiliated, angry, jealous, and felt totally deceived and angry at yourself.
What Do You Do Now?
Are you devastated and beating yourself up daily? Are you thinking, “How could I have been so stupid to ignore the warning signs!?” How do you get over being played?
Reflect on Past Relationship Patterns and Dynamics
This may be a good time to think back on past relationships and your pattern of choosing partners. Or, if this is the first time this has happened, then learn from the experience.
Confide in Someone You Trust
What can you do with the feelings? For starters, seek out someone you trust to confide in. If your sadness and guilt are too overwhelming, seek the guidance of a professional counselor or psychologist. Your feelings are important, and getting on with your life is critical. Talking it out with an encouraging person can be very healing.
Allow Yourself to Feel Angry
Anger is a normal reaction to being “played.” Maybe you could write the player a mean letter and destroy it. Continually sending the player emails/texts, or leaving hateful, pleading voicemails, however, is not the answer.
The important thing is to acknowledge your anger and tell yourself, “I was played. I have a right to feel angry. I have a right to be angry at myself for allowing it.”
Be Kind to Yourself
Now it is time to learn to forgive yourself. Let yourself heal and push onward!
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2010 RecoverToday