Why My Divorce Is the Best and the Worst Thing to Ever Happen to Me
The title to this hub may be a bit misleading...
It's been nine months since my wife left. Today, I had to leave work, because I nearly had a breakdown at my desk. I managed to get a note out to my manager, gingerly made my way down to the parking garage, and I burst into tears as I sat in the drivers seat of my car.
Over the last nine months, I've hit rock bottom quite a few times. Today was another day that I needed to take a pause. I was sitting at my desk when I started to think about her again, and how I did not treat her very well. I thought of all the things that I regretted saying to her, and how she begged me to get help and change. I thought about the fights we had after we left, and all of the things I shouldn't have said, and I wonder if she thinks about those things too. I still have a lot of things I have to work through, but there are a few things that I've done to get my life back on track.
I quit drinking
My alcoholism was a large contributor to the problems in my relationship. I suffer from mental illness, and my drinking greatly exacerbated both my illness and the problems it presented in my marriage.
If you have an alcohol or other addiction problem, consult a doctor immediately to discuss a treatment plan. Some people need to attend a rehab center, while others manage to stop drinking through the use of groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Quitting alcohol cold turkey can be dangerous, and can even lead to death, so be sure to seek the help of a professional to discuss options for your problem.
My mood has been much more consistent since I stopped drinking, and over time my cravings for alcohol have decreased. It's easier for me to wake up in the morning for work, and my mental health has been significantly better.
I would encourage anyone who believes they have an alcohol problem, or has been told that they have an alcohol problem to seek treatment. My life isn't perfect, but I can now see the damage that my alcoholism caused in my relationships, and I can now hope to be a better partner in future relationships without alcohol as a complicating factor.
I started working out and maintaining a consistent diet
I had been working out here and there, but not as much as I could have been. After my wife left, the only thing for the first couple of months that stopped the tears from flowing was going to the gym and hitting an intense workout.
Since then, I've managed to get in the gym 3-5 times a week, I started attending hot yoga and thermal resistance classes, and I've done my best to eat as healthy as I possibly can. Instead of sausage breakfast burritos, I now have banana, yogurt, and oatmeal. I eat whole grain rice, baked chicken, and lots of veggies. Every once in a while I still grab a Reeces Concrete Mixer from Culvers, but hey, no one is perfect.
Working out has been one of the few things to really make me feel better, and I would recommend it to anyone.
I've Worked With My Therapist, and Adjusted My Medication
Therapy has been a rough venture for me. My wife went to therapy with me, and I did an awful job of taking my therapists advice, and ultimately it led to the breakdown in my marriage. I've been doing my best not to beat myself up over not taking action when I had the chance. I was with a woman that loved me enough that she came to my therapy sessions, and tried to help me get better. I didn't do a good job listening to my therapist and adjusting when I had the chance.
Since my wife left, I've had to sort through these issues through therapy, and it's been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm suffering from mental illness and addiction, and having her leave me the way she did made me feel defective and worthless. I've missed her presence and the way she made me feel greatly, so to have to talk through those issues has been extremely difficult to say the least. I understand why she did what she did. Each time I have a bitter thought, I do my best to forgive her, but I'm still angry with myself for how I treated her, and sometimes I'm angry with her for leaving me because I was sick.
I had started taking an SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) a couple of months before I had met her to stop panic attacks that I was having at work. These panic attacks were related to my alcoholism, and I was taking the SSRI to fire fight the problem instead of defeating the root cause of the issue which was alcohol. Halfway through our marriage, I became extremely depressed and my wife was worried about me. My doctor increased my dosage to 40mg, but unfortunately a side effect to that increase was I became more emotionally numb. This contributed not only to my alcoholism, but I was also not mentally prepared to take the problems in my marriage seriously.
Over the last nine months I've worked closely with my doctor to reduce my medication. Since I no longer drink, I don't require the medication to stop the panic attacks, and I didn't want to be completely numb through my divorce. I wanted to actually feel the pain, so that I could truly learn from this lesson. I hope that with my healthy habits that I can continue to live a medication free life.
My Divorce is Final Next Month
A few months ago, my wife sent me an email to let me know she was dating someone already. I can't begin to describe how painful it is to have someone you love more than life itself, telling you that not only do they not want to be with you anymore, but they've already moved on.
I'll never forget looking into her eyes on her wedding day, and promising to love her forever. I'll always have a special place for her in my heart. I understand that she's angry with me, but I forgive her, and I hope that someday she can forgive me too.
This has been the single most painful experience of my life. I am so sorry for the way I treated her, and I will forever have to live with the fact that I didn't do enough to save my marriage, and that she left me at a time when I needed her most. My divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me because it's given me a chance to look introspectively, defeat my alcohol addiction, and get physically healthy. It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me, because I love my wife and I wish so badly that I could have worked things out with her.
If you're thinking of divorce, I would ask that you do your best to try counseling, and take it very seriously. If you're suffering from mental health or addiction issues, there are resources available. There may still be time for you to save your marriage, and a lot of heartache. Best wishes.
© 2017 MattyJ9999