How to End a Relationship Mindfully


Stay, or Leave a Relationship

For a while you have heard a calling from deep within. There is a knowing that begins as a nudge. Something within needs a change. The current relationship is no longer working for you and probably has not for a long time. The journey for change starts long before the actual first step. It comes from a calling from a deeper crevasse of the heart.

There are three choices laid out in front of you:

  • The choice to bring change to your relationship and your partner to make it work
  • The choice to continue as it always was, hoping change would just happen
  • The choice to end the relationship and move on

Make The Relationship Work

For most who are in a relationship that is no longer working, the first step that is to find a way make it work. The energy in the relationship goes into how we can fix what is broken. Some relationships have abusive components, addiction, neglect, and co-dependency. There is a belief that love will prevail. Love can change negative aspects, even change abusive combinations.

Sometimes there is a memory or history when the relationship did work. The building blocks of the beginning of the relationship were once strong and full of passion. Time and life brought destructive forces that may of pulled out characteristics of a lover that were not there before. There may be a period where you wait for your partner to go back to he person you first met. The waiting is now wearing you down, and the hope is dwindling. Will this person ever fully engage with you again the way things used to be? To make it worse, you may see glimpses of the positive attributes that made you fall in love with them. The reconnaissance lingers like a piece of cheese dangling from a string. Close enough to grab but always out of reach. The positive change just never seems consistent.

The longing of wanting to move your partner to re-establish any resemblance of a healthier relationship is noble and often mirrored in our pop-culture. So you make a plan determine to make it work- if he would only change in these ways, and I change in these other ways we can manifest the relationship I always knew was there.

What if he continues to deny your suggestions?

What if he says, all he wants is you, and that you too can work it out?

What if he says, yes, yes, yes, to all your suggestions but does not follow through the next day, week or month?

When to Leave

You are not happy, and have not been happy for a long time.
Joy is no longer there.
You no longer communicate to each other.
Communication consists of yelling.
You no longer spend time together.
You want to spend your time with other people or doing other things away form your partner.
Exit Plan
You think about leaving the relationship.
You spend parts of your day daydreaming of being with someone else or being by yourself.
You feel Spent
You do all the giving and you do not get much in return.
Relationships need a balance.
You try to change yourself or your partner to make it work.
Your partner has changed into someone you no longer recognize.
Physical, emotional or sexual abuse is not ok.
You no longer want to be a victim.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

Sometimes, when we want an abusive relationship to work we give up or disown parts of ourselves. I feel the crux of an abusive relationship pain and suffering is ultimately losing ourselves. Our dignity is diminished because of someone else's limitations and destructive behaviors. Who we were before the relationship happened seemed to disappear rapidly like a phantom. We turn to try to find her again, but the debris of the current dysfunctional relationship is so thick, we can only seem to find remnants of who we were in the ruins. So we try to pull our partner with us back to where we lost ourselves and before the abuse began. Taking giant steps back down the path, hoping she will still be there before the line of emotional, physical or sexual abuse started. The hope is to integrate what is the best of our abusive partner with the self we once were in order to move forward together, and leave behind the abuse. The truth is, the journey back does not work. There needs to be a journey to move forward.


The Path of Continuing as it Always Was, Hoping Change Will Just Happen

Many put hope and prayer into making the relationship change. For who would leave their lover behind, and why, especially when this is love? So we do everything we can and muster up all the strength we can scrounge. Even if that means having little to no contact with former friends and family members, and decreasing our own health and our work ethic. If our partner cannot get their own feet underneath them, and walk on their path paralleling ours to a healthier relationship than we can foresee the relationship's demise. Not wanting the relationship to end, and knowing our partner is not going to change we end up burdening ourselves.

Instead of the final end, there comes one last effort where we try to 'carry' our partner on our shoulders, for we love them so much and do not want to see them being left behind in this land of chaos and loss. Some will eventually fall by the weight of the person they are trying to carry and remain in that spot for days, weeks and years. Some will go back to chaos and destruction land, and build a camp there, because in their minds this is better than nothing.

Our trust in ourselves is compromised when we look around and feel lost in our own journey and seem helpless with what to do next. The longing and wish to get our lover to commit to the path of a healthier relationship is ideal. Sadly, many of us come to the understanding that even with all our efforts, all our prayers, all our hope, and all the changes and compromises of ourselves, the relationship still does not work. We come to the place of making the tough choice to move away from destruction and move towards a healthier self, even if that means significantly diminsihing contact with our lover or completely abdicating the relationship.

The Choice to End the Relationship and Move On

To gain courage to leave a relationship is to begin the journey to reclaim the lost self. Instead of thinking you are moving away from your partner, think of it as you are moving towards a more vibrant and alive self.

The most painful place you can be in is limbo—doing nothing. Before you take the step to talk to your lover, make an internal map for yourself. Decide on a direction and maintain this path regardless of his answers, promises and manipulations.

Hold the compass in your hand. The tools and the alias to move you through are there. Even if you only see glimpses now, or the path looks dark and scary, you will find resources for your journey.

Eventually you will find what you are seeking for. The lost self does come back once you move forward; you will come full circle to the place you lost her. On your journey you will collect the parts of yourself that you need to honor and keep as part of you. As well as expel the parts of yourself that needed the harsh lessons of this relationship to break off.

Anew, and without the heaviness of a relationship that no longer works, you will begin to breath again. Life will sprout with joy, even with the grief of not having this relationship anymore, there will be a new feeling ... joy, resilience, hope, freedom.

Comments 16 comments

carol7777 profile image

carol7777 4 years ago from Arizona

There are so many factors in making this decision. I find it difficult to understand why anyone would take mental, physical and emotional abuse. Sometimes you grow apart and can find a way back. Good analytical hub.

Janine Huldie profile image

Janine Huldie 4 years ago from New York, New York

Carly, I don't have to tell you that you truly covered all the bases here and what a truly very informative article when one should truly leave a relationship behind. I am thankful that I do have a strong marriage, but before I met my husband I can tell you that I dated quite a bit and can vaguely remember when I would feel with certain people that it just wasn't working anymore and you pretty much as I said covered it all here. Have voted and share too!!

CarlySullens profile image

CarlySullens 4 years ago from St. Louis, Missouri Author

Thank you Janine. It is never easy to end a relationship. Especially one that has a lot of emotional investment and time. I appreciate you always stopping by. :) And voting up and sharing too.

Julie DeNeen profile image

Julie DeNeen 4 years ago from Clinton CT

You explain things so well. If I had to write this hub it would be something like, "How to kick his ass to the curb." You really get people to think. That's why you are such a damn good therapist! :)

Peanutritious profile image

Peanutritious 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK

Sound advice. I'm sorry to say I should have ended a couple of relationships earlier than I did. You do hope that they will change and go back to how they used to be. It's all about being comfortable and confident in yourself.

CarlySullens profile image

CarlySullens 4 years ago from St. Louis, Missouri Author

Yes, Peanutritious it is all about being confident and comfortable with your self. Sometimes in long term relationships we loose ourselves and it is harder to find that before you can get out.

Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 4 years ago

This was done so well, you have covered all the aspects and issues in a sturggling relationship. The problem is, more than 35% of married women have been abused, and don't have other choice but stay in the relationship. There are shleters and aid, but out of shame and love for their kids, they'd rather stay. What a shame!

teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 4 years ago

I believe your chart is very helpful to those that need help making this decision. It is hard to know when to leave an abusive relationship and having some guidelines will certainly provide some support.

RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

It can be so hard to leave a relationship - especially one you have had such a long time investment in....I find it so much easier when it's sooner rather than later!

Up and everything!

Karmallama profile image

Karmallama 3 years ago from St. Paul, minnesota

I found this after writing one of my own unrelated hubs, and it felt like it really spoke to me. My relationship is near ending, and I have been unhappy for a while. This hub really made me feel better. I thank you for your informative hub!

Misty 15 months ago

What if the only thing that is keeping you there is lack of financial independence

ChitrangadaSharan profile image

ChitrangadaSharan 11 months ago from New Delhi, India

Congratulations for the HOTD! Good analytical hub and a helpful one for those who may be facing this kind of relationship problem. I believe one should try to make the relationship work unless it is abusive. Talking with each other or through a counsellor might help.

Thank you for sharing!

Kristen Howe profile image

Kristen Howe 11 months ago from Northeast Ohio

Carly, this was an excellent hub on what to do in a troubled relationship. You've given good points in your chart on when to stay or when to call it quits. No one should be stuck in an abusive relationship. Great points throughout the hub. Congrats on HOTD!

CarlySullens profile image

CarlySullens 11 months ago from St. Louis, Missouri Author

ChitrangadaSharan, I also believe one should try to make the relationship work unless there is abuse involved. Counselling can be a great help when both are willing to work through the problems.

CarlySullens profile image

CarlySullens 11 months ago from St. Louis, Missouri Author


Thank you for your comments and stopping by. I agree, no one should be stuck in an abusive relationship.

Kristen Howe profile image

Kristen Howe 11 months ago from Northeast Ohio

My pleasure Carly. You're very welcome. I'm glad you agree with me on that.

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