Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. He's seen many people—including himself—get seduced and hurt by love.
How to Get Your Ex Back in an Honest Way
So, you and your partner have broken up. These are obviously not fun times for you, or you wouldn't be looking at this article. Breakups suck, and they can leave you feeling emotionally drained, especially if you feel that the breakup wasn't justified.
Most of the time, breakups happen for a good reason. Sometimes, though, you or your partner might have said something stupid in the moment that tore the relationship apart. In situations like these, you might still be really compatible with your partner, but the relationship is over for reasons that you regret.
If that's the case, then it might still be salvageable. Before you give up, try one of these 3 strategies to get your ex to come back to you:
1) Talk It Out
The first and simplest strategy is to talk to your partner about what happened, obviously. This doesn't always work, but it can work in certain kinds of situations where one or both of you weren't "yourselves" when the breakup happened.
For example, if your breakup is the result of some emotionally-charged fight and you said something that you didn't mean, then apologize. Talk about how you didn't really mean the things you said. Your partner might not accept your apology, especially if they are in a lot of pain, but it's worth a shot.
Just make sure that the apology is genuine and dignified. Don't put too much pressure on your ex to accept it or to offer reconciliation in return. Nobody likes groveling.
On the other hand, if it's your partner who dumped you in a dramatic way, wait until he or she has calmed down and approach them. There's a chance that they feel that they acted too rashly and they might want you to give them another chance.
Be careful with this strategy, though. Don't hound your ex with endless questions about why they dumped you, and certainly don't try to force them to talk if they really don't want to see you. This will almost definitely push them even further away.
2) Agree With Your Ex
If your ex was the one who broke up with you, then your first instinct was probably one of defensiveness. You probably tried to fight them on it and argued with them about their reasons for breaking up. Agreeing with them was probably just about the last thing on your mind.
After all, if you tell them that you agree with the breakup, isn't that just pushing the two of you further apart? Well, hear me out:
Trying to convince your ex to stay with you by arguing with them is useless. People break up because of their feelings, not because of logical reasoning. Nothing you say will change the fact that they don't feel right in the relationship. Usually, by this point, they are simply no longer attracted to you.
However, if you tell them that you agree with the breakup and let them go without resistance, they will be surprised. Many times, the real reason why they were breaking up with you is that they felt you were too needy, and that's very unattractive. Just the act of not resisting the breakup instantly makes you look less needy, though, and they might think twice about breaking it off for good.
Another factor is that sometimes your partner may be frustrated with you because they feel that you're unaware and unwilling to fix issues in the relationship. By acknowledging what they're saying instead of trying to argue against it, you're showing them that you understand their complaints. This might give them some hope that the relationship can change for the better.
So a good starting point might be to immediately stop resisting the breakup, if that's what you've been doing, and instead tell them that you understand their reasons. That alone might motivate them to come back to you after they've cooled off for a little bit.
3) Ignore Your Ex
This strategy works well in combination with #2. After you've made your clean break, then completely, 100% ignore your ex.
This means no phone calls, no texting, and no social media contact. You don't have to block them, just passively ignore them. Avoid showing up to places where they hang out. Avoid running into them. Just pretend they don't exist.
Do this for about a month, more or less. Don't make a big deal out of it, either. Don't announce to the world that you're ignoring your ex and don't seem angry about it. Simply tell your ex at the time of the breakup that you'll need to spend some time alone and go "no contact" for awhile.
This does three things:
- It shows your ex that you're not looking to suffocate them with your presence.
- It shows your ex that you can carry on just fine without them.
- It allows your ex to start missing you.
That last point is important. Your ex is bound to miss you when you break up--that's only natural. However, they won't even have a chance to miss you if you're constantly in their face, trying to get back together with them.
After three weeks to a month of no contact, call them up and see how they're doing. If they call you before that, you might consider taking the call, but it's really up to you. If you think they're just calling to talk or get emotional support, but they have no intention of getting back together, then don't answer them.
Once you're back in contact with your ex, don't talk about the relationship. Discuss pleasant, neutral subjects. Cut the conversation short and then go do something else. Don't talk to them for more than ten or fifteen minutes.
The next time you text or call them, casually tell them that you still want to be friends and invite them out for a friendly drink or some coffee. Use this as an opportunity to show them how well you've been doing without them. (And hopefully you have.) Don't act needy and don't beg them to come back. Simply make friendly conversation.
After you've met a few more times, feel free to start moving in a romantic direction. Let things flow naturally, the way they did when you first got together. You're basically starting the relationship over again. If there's any chemistry still between you, chances are that something will happen.
Now, this strategy is hard because it requires you to ignore your ex even though you want to see them badly, but it's probably the most effective approach.
What If Nothing Works?
It's true, there is no love potion that will make your ex fall for you again 100% of the time. There are no "simple tricks" or magic words. People are complex creatures, so while you can try one of the strategies above to raise your chances of getting them back, sometimes there's nothing you can do. If your ex really just doesn't want to be with you, then you're better off letting it go.
Remember that you are more than just your past relationships. You lived just fine before you met your ex, and your life can go on without them, too. If you had a difficult relationship with your ex, sometimes it's better not to try to win them back, anyway. There are tons of people out in the world that might be perfect for you, and you might be wasting your time on the wrong one!
Getting Over It
For When You Can't Give Them Up
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 13, 2017:
"...a lot of people feel like they can't end a relationship if there's nothing specifically wrong with their partner--they don't hate them, the relationship just isn't going anywhere or they fell out of love.."
- Excellent point!
People feel like crap for breaking up with someone or filing for a divorce simply because they're "unhappy".
In fact several months ago I saw a comment on a website posted by a woman who stated being "unhappy" was not a good reason end a marriage. And yet not many people would advice an "unhappy couple" to get married.
People should get married and stay married for the same reasons. If you wouldn't marry a person because of something you shouldn't feel obligated to stay married if that "deal breaker" shows up later.
It's almost as if some people (need) their mate to cheat or abuse them in some way to "justify" walking away.
It should be fine not to have a "bad guy" or a world of "drama".
Jorge Vamos (author) on February 13, 2017:
Yes, I agree, it's much better to make a clean break than to have someone else waiting at the wings. Having someone else as an "understudy" makes stuff a lot more complicated, haha. Besides, it's important to be single for awhile after coming out of a relationship, or else you could be bringing all this extra baggage with you.
I think that the problem is that a lot of people feel like they can't end a relationship if there's nothing specifically wrong with their partner--they don't hate them, the relationship just isn't going anywhere or they fell out of love or whatever. So they feel like they need an excuse to justify the breakup, so they subconsciously seek out somebody else that can "steal them away."
dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 07, 2017:
"Trying to convince your ex to stay with you by arguing with them is useless." - Very true!
A lot of factors come into play such as the age of the people involved, the length of time in the relationship or marriage, who broke up with who and (why). Some people also have hardcore "deal breakers" such as cheating or an instance of physical abuse.
In other instances a relationship has simply run it's course why by both people are no longer on the same page.
They've just been staying together out of comfort/habit.
For example two 21 year olds who have been dating since age 15.
Odds are whatever traits they felt made for an "ideal mate" at age 15 probably will not be the ones they want at ages 21, 25, 30 or beyond.
It was fairly unrealistic to believe they had met their "soul-mate" at 15!
Some other factors would include how many times they've broken up before over the same issues and if one of them has fallen (out) of love.
Odds are the older and more mature a person is the more time they took to think about the breakup or filing for divorce before it came to light.
Most likely they're not going to change their mind.
Lastly there some people who treat relationships like jobs. They won't leave one until they have another one "lined up".
If one's (ex) was already secretly dating someone else or had developed feelings for another it's a case of "in with the new and out with the old".
The only way they might come back is if things don't work out.