How to Get Your Boyfriend Back Without Being Shady and Manipulative

Updated on June 8, 2017
thehands profile image

After seeing many friends (or himself) seduced by love, only to crash and burn afterwards, Jorge writes advice based on his observations.

How to Get Your Ex Back in an Honest Way

So, you and your partner have broken up. These are obviously not fun times for you, or you wouldn't be looking at this article. Breakups suck, and they can leave you feeling emotionally drained, especially if you feel that the breakup wasn't justified.

Most of the time, breakups happen for a good reason. Sometimes, though, you or your partner might have said something stupid in the moment that tore the relationship apart. In situations like these, you might still be really compatible with your partner, but the relationship is over for reasons that you regret.

If that's the case, then it might still be salvageable. Before you give up, try one of these 3 strategies to get your ex to come back to you:

1) Talk It Out

The first and simplest strategy is to talk to your partner about what happened, obviously. This doesn't always work, but it can work in certain kinds of situations where one or both of you weren't "yourselves" when the breakup happened.

For example, if your breakup is the result of some emotionally-charged fight and you said something that you didn't mean, then apologize. Talk about how you didn't really mean the things you said. Your partner might not accept your apology, especially if they are in a lot of pain, but it's worth a shot.

Just make sure that the apology is genuine and dignified. Don't put too much pressure on your ex to accept it or to offer reconciliation in return. Nobody likes groveling.

On the other hand, if it's your partner who dumped you in a dramatic way, wait until he or she has calmed down and approach them. There's a chance that they feel that they acted too rashly and they might want you to give them another chance.

Be careful with this strategy, though. Don't hound your ex with endless questions about why they dumped you, and certainly don't try to force them to talk if they really don't want to see you. This will almost definitely push them even further away.

Always together.
Always together.

2) Agree With Your Ex

If your ex was the one who broke up with you, then your first instinct was probably one of defensiveness. You probably tried to fight them on it and argued with them about their reasons for breaking up. Agreeing with them was probably just about the last thing on your mind.

After all, if you tell them that you agree with the breakup, isn't that just pushing the two of you further apart? Well, hear me out:

Trying to convince your ex to stay with you by arguing with them is useless. People break up because of their feelings, not because of logical reasoning. Nothing you say will change the fact that they don't feel right in the relationship. Usually, by this point, they are simply no longer attracted to you.

However, if you tell them that you agree with the breakup and let them go without resistance, they will be surprised. Many times, the real reason why they were breaking up with you is that they felt you were too needy, and that's very unattractive. Just the act of not resisting the breakup instantly makes you look less needy, though, and they might think twice about breaking it off for good.

Another factor is that sometimes your partner may be frustrated with you because they feel that you're unaware and unwilling to fix issues in the relationship. By acknowledging what they're saying instead of trying to argue against it, you're showing them that you understand their complaints. This might give them some hope that the relationship can change for the better.

So a good starting point might be to immediately stop resisting the breakup, if that's what you've been doing, and instead tell them that you understand their reasons. That alone might motivate them to come back to you after they've cooled off for a little bit.

Can you get your ex back? Sometimes.
Can you get your ex back? Sometimes.

3) Ignore Your Ex

This strategy works well in combination with #2. After you've made your clean break, then completely, 100% ignore your ex.

This means no phone calls, no texting, and no social media contact. You don't have to block them, just passively ignore them. Avoid showing up to places where they hang out. Avoid running into them. Just pretend they don't exist.

Do this for about a month, more or less. Don't make a big deal out of it, either. Don't announce to the world that you're ignoring your ex and don't seem angry about it. Simply tell your ex at the time of the breakup that you'll need to spend some time alone and go "no contact" for awhile.

This does three things:

  1. It shows your ex that you're not looking to suffocate them with your presence.
  2. It shows your ex that you can carry on just fine without them.
  3. It allows your ex to start missing you.

That last point is important. Your ex is bound to miss you when you break up--that's only natural. However, they won't even have a chance to miss you if you're constantly in their face, trying to get back together with them.

After three weeks to a month of no contact, call them up and see how they're doing. If they call you before that, you might consider taking the call, but it's really up to you. If you think they're just calling to talk or get emotional support, but they have no intention of getting back together, then don't answer them.

Once you're back in contact with your ex, don't talk about the relationship. Discuss pleasant, neutral subjects. Cut the conversation short and then go do something else. Don't talk to them for more than ten or fifteen minutes.

The next time you text or call them, casually tell them that you still want to be friends and invite them out for a friendly drink or some coffee. Use this as an opportunity to show them how well you've been doing without them. (And hopefully you have.) Don't act needy and don't beg them to come back. Simply make friendly conversation.

After you've met a few more times, feel free to start moving in a romantic direction. Let things flow naturally, the way they did when you first got together. You're basically starting the relationship over again. If there's any chemistry still between you, chances are that something will happen.

Now, this strategy is hard because it requires you to ignore your ex even though you want to see them badly, but it's probably the most effective approach.

Sometimes nothing works. That's okay, too.
Sometimes nothing works. That's okay, too.

What If Nothing Works?

It's true, there is no love potion that will make your ex fall for you again 100% of the time. There are no "simple tricks" or magic words. People are complex creatures, so while you can try one of the strategies above to raise your chances of getting them back, sometimes there's nothing you can do. If your ex really just doesn't want to be with you, then you're better off letting it go.

Remember that you are more than just your past relationships. You lived just fine before you met your ex, and your life can go on without them, too. If you had a difficult relationship with your ex, sometimes it's better not to try to win them back, anyway. There are tons of people out in the world that might be perfect for you, and you might be wasting your time on the wrong one!

Getting Over It

If you can't get back with your ex, do you think you'll be able to get over them?

See results

For When You Can't Give Them Up

Questions & Answers

    Comments

      0 of 8192 characters used
      Post Comment

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        18 months ago

        "...a lot of people feel like they can't end a relationship if there's nothing specifically wrong with their partner--they don't hate them, the relationship just isn't going anywhere or they fell out of love.."

        - Excellent point!

        People feel like crap for breaking up with someone or filing for a divorce simply because they're "unhappy".

        In fact several months ago I saw a comment on a website posted by a woman who stated being "unhappy" was not a good reason end a marriage. And yet not many people would advice an "unhappy couple" to get married.

        People should get married and stay married for the same reasons. If you wouldn't marry a person because of something you shouldn't feel obligated to stay married if that "deal breaker" shows up later.

        It's almost as if some people (need) their mate to cheat or abuse them in some way to "justify" walking away.

        It should be fine not to have a "bad guy" or a world of "drama".

      • thehands profile imageAUTHOR

        Jorge Vamos 

        18 months ago

        @dashingscorpio

        Yes, I agree, it's much better to make a clean break than to have someone else waiting at the wings. Having someone else as an "understudy" makes stuff a lot more complicated, haha. Besides, it's important to be single for awhile after coming out of a relationship, or else you could be bringing all this extra baggage with you.

        I think that the problem is that a lot of people feel like they can't end a relationship if there's nothing specifically wrong with their partner--they don't hate them, the relationship just isn't going anywhere or they fell out of love or whatever. So they feel like they need an excuse to justify the breakup, so they subconsciously seek out somebody else that can "steal them away."

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        18 months ago

        "Trying to convince your ex to stay with you by arguing with them is useless." - Very true!

        A lot of factors come into play such as the age of the people involved, the length of time in the relationship or marriage, who broke up with who and (why). Some people also have hardcore "deal breakers" such as cheating or an instance of physical abuse.

        In other instances a relationship has simply run it's course why by both people are no longer on the same page.

        They've just been staying together out of comfort/habit.

        For example two 21 year olds who have been dating since age 15.

        Odds are whatever traits they felt made for an "ideal mate" at age 15 probably will not be the ones they want at ages 21, 25, 30 or beyond.

        It was fairly unrealistic to believe they had met their "soul-mate" at 15!

        Some other factors would include how many times they've broken up before over the same issues and if one of them has fallen (out) of love.

        Odds are the older and more mature a person is the more time they took to think about the breakup or filing for divorce before it came to light.

        Most likely they're not going to change their mind.

        Lastly there some people who treat relationships like jobs. They won't leave one until they have another one "lined up".

        If one's (ex) was already secretly dating someone else or had developed feelings for another it's a case of "in with the new and out with the old".

        The only way they might come back is if things don't work out.

      working

      This website uses cookies

      As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

      For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://pairedlife.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

      Show Details
      Necessary
      HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
      LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
      Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
      AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
      Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
      CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
      Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
      Features
      Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
      Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
      Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
      Marketing
      Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
      Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
      Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
      Statistics
      Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
      ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)