10 Reasons Not to Call Your Ex
Some years ago, I went through a difficult breakup. When my relationship came to an end, one of the most difficult things for me was deciding whether or not to call him back.
I have to come clean and admit I did call him, many times (sigh). Unfortunately, these phone calls never went the way I wished. We were an on again, off again couple as though it were our job—we went back and forth for months. I knew deep down that the relationship was making me miserable, yet I wanted to “fix” it, because no one wants to be miserable and alone, right?
These phone calls sometimes lead to more sadness; they sometimes lead to seeing each one another again for a short while. As you read the following, ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship. Is it because you want to have children? Is it because you’re afraid of being alone? Well, think about this: The on again, off again relationship is very likely to be nothing but a waste of your precious time, time you could be spending taking care of you and feeling ready to meet someone who sees just how fabulous you are. If you do want to have children, do you want to be with a partner like this one? A partner who left you for reasons you don’t really understand, a partner who makes you the future-mom-to-be feel less than amazing, a partner who doesn’t accept and love everything about you and wants you to change, a partner whom you want to change? If things do get patched up between the two of you, are you going to be sitting right back where you started in six months? In a year? Don’t call him, babe. Here are 10 reasons why not:
- You should feel desired and confident. I’m guessing that if you’re reading an article about why not to call your ex, it’s not because you’re feeling like an energized, gorgeous, popular, and desired person. You feel rejected, and you want that feeling to go away. So you think about calling him back and smoothing things over. But calling him will inevitably make you feel worse.
- You might make things worse. Are you feeling angry at him right now? Are you feeling vulnerable and lonely? You might blow up at him like a crazy lady, or you might end up crying and pleading on the phone for him to take you back. Either case is not a good situation (I am speaking from personal experience here, unfortunately). Do you really want to convince him to be with you? Argue him into taking you back? Plead yourself back into this relationship? Why should you convince anyone to be with you? You’re amazing!
- What if he doesn’t answer? He has caller ID, doesn’t he? He’ll see that you’ve called. But now you've opened a whole slew of doubts. Are you going to call back in five minutes? In an hour? Tomorrow? Are you going to leave a message? What if he doesn’t call you back? You’ll be sitting there like I did, doubting yourself. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be frantically looking at your phone every 10 minutes to see whether you have any missed calls or missed messages. Here’s an idea: Turn the phone off. You can do it. When you turn off your phone, you are taking back control and not letting yourself become obsessed with him his call. Free yourself from the phone and decide that for now you have better things to do than sitting waiting for him to call you.
- And if he answers? He might be busy and hang up in haste. Or he might not be so hot about hearing your voice on the line. But what if the convo goes well? Well honey, even if the conversation goes well, and he’s not likely to cry out: “Oh baby, I’m so glad you called, I’m sorry I dumped you, let’s get back together!” And I’m sure anything less than that would be disappointing to you. Right? You’ll be hanging up sad, disappointed, or angry.
- You might end up in bed. If he does want to see you after he’s dumped you, and he’s happy to come over and hang out with you, he might want sex. That may feel nice for you as well, because let’s face it, our exes are our most intimate partners. It’s also the easiest person to sleep with after a breakup. You might feel connected for a short while, but, honey, this guy dumped you (cheated on you, didn’t want to get married to you, didn’t listen to you, didn’t spend enough time with you, didn’t make you feel like your best self, deceived you...) so why are you having sex with him? Although you are a hot mamacita, your lover should see way more in you than your physical looks.
- He’s not the one calling you. If your ex wanted to get you back and was madly in love with you, he would let you know. He would cross all bridges and climb all mountains to get to you. So let him call you and prove to you that he deserves to be with a hotty such as yourself. Be strong. Don’t give in. Think highly of yourself. Don’t sell yourself cheaply. And don’t call him back. Let him come back to you if that is what’s in the cards. Believe that you are worthy of a man coming back to you with flowers and sweeping you off your feet.
- Is he that great anyway? Even though he might have left you, and even though he may very well have been a super-stand-up guy, he wasn’t perfect either, right? I mean, he dumped you, so there’s obviously is something wrong with him! He couldn’t appreciate what a prize you truly are.
- There’s someone better for you out there. You know this is true (I hope). Right now it just feels like you might be alone forever. You might get caught up in the false beliefs that all good guys are taken and that it’s hard to meet someone. Those kinds of thoughts only make you feel more desperate and make you think you’d better hang on to this one. Well, no. I’m not having it. There are plenty of really good guys (good looking ones, too!) out there who would be happy to call you every day and spend time building a relationship with you. Imagine what your perfect relationship would feel like. Now multiply that by 10, and that’s what’s out there waiting for you right now. So turn off the phone, get out there in the world, and open yourself up the possibilities that are all around you. Try to going out anywhere—to the supermarket, to a coffee shop, to the pet-store, anywhere—and smile at people. Just smile. Smile at men, smile at women, smile at kids, smile at the elderly. People will smile back at you. Now, how good does that feel? There are plenty of people out there you can easily engage with just by smiling. Get out of your sweatpants and go out and smile at people. Start to feel it is true: There is someone better for you out there.
- You’re not taking advantage of your time alone. When relationships end, we are left with a whole lot of extra free time. Time that used to be spent doing fun activities together, sharing meals, and having interesting conversations with one another. But wait! You are still a fun-loving, interesting person! Take advantage of this time to get to know yourself, heal your vulnerable heart, and love yourself. Do some of the things you like, surround yourself with people who care about you, or call a friend. Take out your agenda and try to schedule fun things for yourself for the night, for the weekend, etc. If you know in advance how you are going to fill your time, you’re not going to feel so obsessed with calling him because you’re going to be busy (and happy, hopefully!). I know this is going to sound unoriginal, but look at the breakup as a time to re-evaluate your life. Take it as an experience in personal growth. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who is confident and happy with herself!
- You are meant to have and enjoy a wonderful life. All aspects of your life are meant to lift you up and make you feel good about yourself. You don’t need to wait around for another person to give you what you need. How can you make yourself feel more wanted and secure? As a friend once told me, bees are naturally attracted to sugar. Sugar doesn’t have to do anything except be its sweet self, and all the bees will want to be around it. So go ahead, honey, make yourself feel well, beautiful, and happy, that’s really all you have to do to attract to you the perfect partner and a wonderful, happy life.