Six Months After My Separation, and the Things I've Learned About Divorce
I'm not the best person to take advice from. If you came here looking for answers, I don't have many. More than anything now, I wish I could talk to my wife. I miss her company. I miss being able to talk to her, hold her, and wind down on a Sunday night watching a movie while cuddling before bed. There are few things I don't miss about her, and even the hard times were better than being without her. The fact that she'll never read this, and maybe never know everything that I've done to change my life, and the things I would have done to ensure that she had a safe, happy, and comfortable life is still heartbreaking to me.
I don't cry much anymore, but sometimes I'm still sad. Sometimes I'm still angry. With any luck the legal aspects of our divorce will be over soon, and hopefully then I will be further on my way to a true recovery.
Marriage is hard. The first thing that I can tell you is that even if you find yourself thinking about those difficulties, that you ask yourself what the consequences truly are of divorce. There were many times that I thought that it was what I wanted, and I threw about the term lightly. This greatly damaged my relationship with my wife. Sometimes in the chaos and finality of the end of a relationship, it's hard to see what draws two people together. I don't know why now that she chose to marry me, but for whatever reason it was I never should have taken that lightly. If your husband or wife brings up warning signs and is trying to fight for you, take those signs seriously. The alternative for me has been far more difficult than I could have ever imagined. If you're thinking of divorce, I recommend seeking professional counseling as soon as possible. If your partner is willing to go to counseling with you, take the sessions seriously. If you have outlying substance abuse, depression or mental issues, take all of them very seriously. Doing so could save your marriage, and it could save you and your partner a lot of heartache.
Sometimes it does feel like I will never get over her. I still love her very much, and I wish her the best. Accepting that I'm not what is best for her has been hard, but sometimes that makes waking up and improving myself something that's worthwhile. I want to be a better person now, and as hard as it is to take steps toward that end, I have an awfully good reason to do so. I haven't had a drink in more than six months now. The last night I drank was the last fight that we had. That was the night she told me she wanted a divorce. At that time, I began sobbing uncontrollably. I tried to go downstairs and I collapsed. I couldn't stop crying. Maybe, deep inside I knew that I couldn't save our relationship at that point. It was the single most painful moment of my life, and that pain was accentuated over and over again in the following months as I tried desperately to salvage our marriage. My wife and I both said awful things to each other in anger. I was upset that she rejected my attempts at reconciliation, and I know she was upset with me too. I've tried to retrace my steps a few times. In my mind, there has been a few desperate attempts to say to myself if I had done something differently, or if I could have controlled my anger and stayed silent I could have done something, or maybe if I had done something differently I could have convinced her to come to marriage counseling with me.
All of those things are not healthy, and they are all barriers to healing. If you truly want to take a step forward in your healing process, you have to start letting go of your anger. You have to let go of your "what ifs." You can't change the past, and the only thing you can control is yourself. It's damn hard. In fact, It's something I'm still struggling with everyday, but every time I'm able to take a deep breath and let go a little more of my anger and sadness, I feel a little better. I heal a little bit more.
Sometimes I want to take myself back to our first date, our first kiss, or the first time we made love. Sometimes I want to go back to holding her hand while we walked on myrtle beach together. I want to look back into her eyes when we held hands and kissed in Las Vegas on our wedding day, when we both said "I do." I want to go back to our honeymoon in Jamaica, or the countless times I fell asleep holding her feeling so safe and loved. Alternatively I'll revisit the times that were hard. I'll revisit when we fought, or when I hadn't treated her well. The latter is more painful, but I've had to learn to let go of the good as well as the bad, because I can't have those times back now.
I work out three to five times a week now, and have been going to therapy regularly. At first, the workouts were the only things that kept my tears from flowing. The first couple of months I cried every single day. The feeling of rejection from someone whom I loved so much was awful, but channeling it into something healthy has been the only way I've found to really cope. I've made some new friends and along with some of my older friends, they've helped me heal along the way.
I still miss my best friend. I took her for granted. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and now I have to live with that. I would do anything just to speak to her again. I wish I could tell her I'm so sorry. I wish I could fix everything, but I have to move on. I'll keep doing my best to improve. I'll do my best to be a better person, because now that's all that I can do.