Breaking Up, Never Easy
Breaking up isn't anyone's favorite part of life. Anyone who is excited for a breakup, wasn't having a good relationship. When it comes to breaking up, you'll find that it comes in stages, somewhat like the grief cycle -- shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and finally acceptance and hope. You can jump around to many of those points, and also be in multiple places at once. Both bargaining and depressed. Or you could be in denial and angry. What's important is for you to find a peace of mind. Your life doesn't end at a breakup, and there is plenty more for you to do on planet Earth that doesn't include your pretty lady friend or hunky man kisser. Or maybe a combination of both?
Anyway, with breakups you'll need a plan of action to get you on the right track. Don't mope around for too long, steer clear of hanging out too much with your drinking buddies, and get out and exercise over binging on ice cream. The best way to handle a breakup is start changing the way you have lived your life. Make new friends, go to new places, and change up what your memory brain brings up by having a new life. You'll find that taking dance, pottery, or fishing classes can take your mind off why you and your Jennifer or Andrew didn't work out.
If you're not sure if you have moved on yet, read the following signs. If it makes you sad more than makes you laugh, then you probably are still into your ex.
1. You start crying when you hear music that reminds you of the person. Maybe it was your first dance, or you both shared a night listening to some cool beats. Either way, listening to it right now is like salt and lemon to your fresh wounds.
2. Thinking about them with someone else gives you major heartburn and other indigestion problems. You don't like the idea of them with someone else. The thought of it makes you nauseous.
3. You have a really hard time not thinking about them. When you're doing your own thing, thoughts of making out with them and saying adorable things to their face take over your brain, and you have to remind yourself you can't do that anymore.
4. When you go on a walk, you pass by a number of places you used to frequent, and it reminds you of the good times you used to have at that park, at the bookstore, the movie theater. It's like a path into your broken, smashed up heart.
5. You spend time thinking about what you wish you could get them for Christmas and other holidays.... if things had worked out.
6. You haven't got rid of the pictures you took together, nor the mementos, the clothes they left behind, and you're using their Netflix account. Let it go.
7. When you see couples hanging out, you don't think about who you should be dating, you think about the past.
8. You still feel miserable from the breakup and have a hard time waking up, doing the things you love, and making new friends. You would rather sit in front of a TV and veg on ice cream and chocolate. Or beer.
9. You have sudden moments of anger because of how things ended. You might not have gotten closure. Things might not have gone the way you had hoped or planned.
10. You still refer to them as your partner. Why are you doing that?
11. You call your mom and tell her how much you enjoy spending time with your ex, even though she's your ex. And you're really confused. That's why you're calling your mom.
12. You spend long amount of time at groceries just staring at food and daydreaming about your ex. Things don't feel the same, and you're not feeling normal yet.
13. You don't really want to be single and you don't really want to be dating anyone.
14. You catch yourself calling your new date by your ex's name.
15. Sometimes you envision them in ways that are more than PG-13. They might not like where your brain is going, and you may feel like you just need to ride that train in your head till it loses steam.
16. Sometimes you make out with your pillow and wish it was your ex.
17. When you go to bed, it feels incessantly more lonely than it should, and you keep thinking about your ex.... in bed with you. Holding your hands. And talking about your feelings.
18. You've had a hard time lately getting momentum in your life to do the things you love. You have felt insecure or confused about what really matters.
19. You haven't put enough distance on your ex and made solid change. You need to go on a vacation, meet new friends, change up the energy in your life to get different results.
20. He is still the last thing on your brain when you go to sleep.
Sometimes after a breakup, we lose sight of what really happened. You may end up glorifying your ex and putting them on a pedestal. Don't forget the reasons why the two of you broke up. Don't forget why it didn't work, that way you can move on successfully. You don't have to stop feeling for them over night. It may take some time. Those feelings will eventually fade if you allow them to.
Remember, your chemicals in your brain are not what drives you -- you drive them, unless you need to see a doctor. You don't have to love someone, you get to decide if you want to kiss them. You get to decide if those visions in your head are something you actually want to pursue. You can turn those chemicals off and move on with your life, if you find that is what is best for you. What happens in your brain and body chemistry is a symptom of your desires. You wouldn't make out with someone unless you wanted to put yourself in that situation, or you have done something to mentally impair yourself. Drinking and dating can be a whimsical combo, that can lead to poor choices. Keep track of your drinking habits. Keep yourself in check.
It isn't easy to master your emotions. Most of us cave to our desires and follow them out. Take a step back to consider how you feel, why you feel that way, and what you can do to make positive change. Breaking up with someone can be like stopping a drug addiction. You might feel okay, then the next moment you badly want to see the other person.
You deserve to feel optimistic about your future. You deserve to see yourself in a positive light. Surround yourself with people you love and surround yourself with the hobbies you love. You do not have to be defeated by a few spring showers. AND it is okay to feel sad. You do need to process your emotions. There are a lot of different kinds of normal in this situation. Don't give up hope! Everyone processes breakups in their own unique way.
Here are some suggestions to make it smoother.
- Be careful to not rebound. It may sound fun, but it could be a waste of time and prevent you from processing your emotions. You could end up not ready for a relationship and hurt someone else. Know when you're ready.
- Hang out with your friends when you can. Don't be afraid to have other people in your life. Enjoy what you can when you can.
- Lay off on the alcohol. Don't spend the first two weeks of a breakup down the bottle of a whiskey. You'll feel better if you exercise and drink water. (A little alcohol is alright, if legal.)
- Make reasonable goals for yourself in getting over this relationship.
- Don't constantly be thinking about the breakup. Think about non-romantic things. Like Pokemon.
- Dress nicer than you did before you were dating that chump. Taking extra care in your looks will help change the mood.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
F on April 24, 2018:
What if you got copper toxicity from an iud you got for him and went manic, didn’t know it was the iud, both his parents died and split you apart. “Remember the reasons you broke up” doesn’t make any sense.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on August 23, 2016:
"Don't forget the reasons why the two of you broke up." Great advice!
Too often people look back at past relationships with "rose tinted glasses" and (romanticize their past). There's a reason you're not together!
In order for her/him to be "the one" they'd have to see (you) as being "the one". If you ended it then you had your reasons. Always remember them!
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde
If someone doesn't want to be (with you) they're not "the one"!