Is it Time?
I know no one actually wants to breakup, but there comes a fork in the road when it is time to say goodbye. You may have been dating for awhile or only a couple of weeks, but when it starts to feel dry -- you need to communicate how you're feeling. Don't leave feelings of breaking up lingering for too long. You'll feel a change in the way the two of you are communicating, you'll ask yourself why, and you won't feel like a priority anymore.
Remember: no matter what, if you're going to be with someone, it needs to be someone who really cares about you, and puts you ahead of other parts of their life, except God. Instead of feeling neglected, start exploring where you really need to be, instead of feeling suppressed, know there is a way out.
How to Know When to Breakup
When you start feeling indifferent about your significant other, consider the red flags, and don't just gloss over it. This hub is more for dating than marriage, so do keep that in mind. That's a whole other level of commitment that's much harder and more agonizing to break. Often times.
1. If you no longer are getting sufficient time together or no plans of when you'll work things through -- this isn't a good sign. You may have been great together, and then one or the other of you had to move for a job. At this point, you should look into whether you have a sustainable relationship or not. Even if someone is long distance, they should be able to give you time whether texting, videochat, phonecalls, letters. Do something.
2. When you feel more jealous and agitated than romanced and intimate. You shouldn't be getting upset if they express their attraction for John Stamos or Jennifer Lawrence because their interest in you is overflowing. If it's like a desert and their eyes are somewhere else -- you may want to cut the cord. And not just on your cable subscription.
3. When you feel like you are in a desert and you can't get any air.... that's not a good sign for a relationship.
4. When you start stalking them on social media and find things that raise questions and concerns left and right.
5. If you're not able to see each other, one of you keeps giving excuses as to why you can't see each other, or if it seems like they were abducted by aliens and are not the same anymore.
6. There's no enthusiasm or excitement to see you. They've let the love run dry. They've let the mood run dry. You just feel dry.
7. You'd rather spend time with your friends over your boyfriend. And that's daily.
8. You don't see a future with the person happening.
9. You never talk about a future with the person.
10. They are emotionally hoarding their exes. Rather than letting them go, they keep having suspicious conversations with them.
11. They refuse to let you see their family.
12. They make fun of you and are a constant source of negativity around you. You prefer time by yourself.
13. You're dating a couch potato who does nothing but watch TV, falls short on rent, and complains about anything and everything without considering how they can grow as an individual.
14. The two of you have way too opposite of habits that clash horrifically together -- such as one of you smokes, one of you does not.
15. Your girlfriend has no respect for you; she makes fun of everything you hold near and dear. She doesn't seem to care about learning more about you besides having make out sessions.
16. The two of you don't know how to talk. At all. Ever.
17. You feel a great deal of distance when you're out on a dinner date. You feel like the conversation doesn't flow, and it is like cracking a high security safe.
18. You have been dating for awhile but don't know basic things about each other -- past relationships, what is his job, what is her degree in college, the names of her cats.
19. You find yourself in better company with someone else... and would rather be with them.
20. Your partner is more distracting than helpful in letting you solve problems in your work life, your family life, your personal life.
21. You have actually felt jilted when they said goodbye, and you knew you wouldn't be seeing them for a long time to come.
22. You've fantasized about breaking up, and it brings you joy.
23. You feel like it's not going to hurt that much to breakup with her -- and you'll feel liberated afterward.
24. You can't see yourself ever kissing the person.
25. You hold grudges over petty things.
26. You both have too much on your plates and are in the very early stages of your careers. Moving is likely for the both of you, but to different cities.
27. You can't remember the last time you genuinely thought they were attractive.
28. You don't feel secure, you don't feel safe, you don't feel protected, you feel used.
29. Neither of you bother to text each other, call each other, or pursue communication.... because it feels like a chore.
30. You lost interest months ago and hoping things will change, but they haven't. You just don't know what to say.
31. If you're already seeing someone new, but you just haven't broke the news to your partner. Also, you're the worst. Stop doing that.
Sometimes a relationship is built on uneven ground. It'll feel fine until real problems hit. If you have a steady structure built on solid ground, your relationship won't be as influenced when the storms hit. And storms will hit; it's a reality in our lives. We live in a finite universe where everything has a deadline. We're trying to live somewhere that isn't complete, and so there are cracks everywhere. This universe tries to shift around to compensate for its lack of completion. We have hurricanes, warfare, and heartbreak. The best thing you can do for a relationship, is plant it in solid ground. Take things slow, be honest, build trust, and work toward creating a solid structure in order to get through the inevitable storms. Otherwise, if you have a relationship that is based purely on whatever you feel like should happen at any given point, you'll burn out.
You have to work together in a relationship -- you have to give solid structure so that you can have kisses, fun, and joy. You can have fun in heaven because the structure is complete, that's why heaven is perpetual joy. Here on Earth, where things don't have that lovely of a balance, we have to be scrupulous in order to protect ourselves. If your relationship isn't making sense, if it isn't on solid ground, it would be better to end it than get carried away and destroyed when the storms hit. Find someone you know who puts relationship security, loyalty, and fidelity in the forefront, not to the side.
How Should you Breakup?
When at all possible, breakup in person. Sometimes you don't have this luxury because you may be long distance. When you breakup, you need to have given this person a fair chance on what to work on. If you cut the cord without a conversation, it can be unfair, unless you absolutely know in your heart that it is over -- they've cheated, you have been abused, or you have been neglected for a long time (a month).
It's best to breakup in a place that is private. People have a series of emotions to go through, and it can be unpredictable. They may want to suddenly leave, they may need to sit there and zone out to process what has happened, or they may need to cry for awhile. Breaking up with someone at a restaurant, can be really hard to manage. Be a considerate person and give them a chance to process their emotions and concerns. Be willing to talk about what didn't work -- and be honest. People really need the honesty, so they know for sure what happened. If you're seeing someone new, fess up to it. That may seem extreme, but it will be even more confusing if you come out with another relationship into the public a week later and didn't mention this at the time. You'll have made the person feel like their time with you in the breakup conversation was a lie, and more so, the whole relationship was a lie.
You really shouldn't date more than one person at a time. You only have one heart, and if you're getting serious with more than one person it's not only confusing for your partners, it confuses your heart. You want be able to go as deep with people, and it isn't near as steady of ground -- especially since marrying lots of people isn't legal. Instead, take your time to figure out who you really want to be in a relationship with before you get too close to anybody. It's not the easiest song and dance, but it take it one step at a time.
When you breakup, make sure you have plenty of time. Make sure it is clear. I know someone who says he broke up with his girlfriend, and she still has their anniversary date on her Facebook. Something is wrong there; he's lying, she didn't get the message, or she's really bad at updating her Facebook. Not updating that can make more problems for other people down the road.
When you breakup, don't expect to be best of buddies for awhile. The person needs time and space to process things and also move on. I would say for most situations -- give it at least a year before you start spending time together frequently again as friends.
Don't call your partner negative things or tear them apart in the breakup. Be sensitive and cordial.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
james on November 11, 2018:
i was dating a lady 435 kms away, we met once and later heard rumors that she's dating my friend, when i asked her she said its true i got mad but never showed the anger and wished her luck. After some months she started commenting on every post i made, and whenever i sweet talk other ladies she respond ill of them. Sometimes she says hi on my by tagging my name and after the greetings i avoid her. She is still dating the guy, what does that mean
Andrea Lawrence (author) from Chicago on December 08, 2017:
This is likely true. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope the best for you in finding someone who really cares about you.
LaTrice from Las Vegas, NV on November 25, 2017:
I was unable to end the relationship with my ex-boyfriend in person, because he wasn't available. No matter how much I tried to get in touch with him, whether it's by phone or text message, he didn't respond. I strongly believe that he knew that something was wrong between us, but chose not to address the problem.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on August 29, 2016:
If you can't be your true self around them or you're unhappy when you are with them it's time to move on.
If either of you has to "change" to make a relationship "work" that's probably a sign you're with the "wrong person.
The goal is to find someone who (already is) the kind of person you want to be with. Relationships aren't "hard work". Find the "right person" is!
There is no amount of "work" or "communication" that can overcome being with someone who simply does not want what you want.
"When at all possible, breakup in person. " However....
It's important to acknowledge your future ex's temperament. There are many news accounts of people being killed or hurt while breaking up. Naturally (they) didn't believe it would happen to them.
Think, Plan, and Execute.
If you're going to breakup with someone it's best to keep your speech short and avoid running down a list of complaints about the other person. You want to avoid a long drawn out "bargaining session" of hearing them plead about making changes if you've made up your mind.
Prior to breaking up you want to gradually remove any items you have over at their place over time. If you feel comfortable breakup in person at their house. This allows for you to leave after you have said what needs to be said as oppose to trying to figure out how to get them to leave.
Secondly you don't want them to have get into a car while upset. Distracted driving is the number one cause of accidents.
Don't offer "platonic friendship" as a "consolation prize".
People who do that are trying not to feel like the "bad guy". Unintentionally it also gives their ex false hope for a potential reconciliation. Also don't use the "trial separation" line when you know it's over! It's stringing someone along.
" I would say for most situations -- give it at least a year before you start spending time together frequently again as friends." - Great advice!
It's best to go "cold turkey" no contact and allow both of you to find new love with someone else. The best examples of exes who are friends usually takes place after a large gap in time.
You are the last person who can help your ex get over their breakup with you!