Dr. Billy Kidd researched romantic relationships for 15 years. He held focus groups in various cities across the nation.
In my practice as a psychotherapist, I've met a lot of young adult women. The list below contains the reasons that some of them broke up with their lovers. A few reasons may be similar to your situation if you are thinking of breaking up with yours. Knowing this should empower you to see that your situation is not unique. If so, concentrate on what you really want to do with your life—and if that requires breaking up, do it.
The reasons for the breakups are divided into four categories:
- She Fell Out of love.
- He Committed a "Deal Breaker."
- She Realized They Were Not Compatible.
- They Did Not Want the Same Things.
She Fell Out of Love
1. He seemed like a stranger after she lost her in-love obsession about him.
2. He did not treat her like an equal in the relationship.
3. She saw no intimate future in the relationship.
4. She became tired of compromising.
5. His psychological problems became overwhelming.
6. He began testing her loyalty continuously.
7. He denied his faults and insisted he was perfect.
8. He was unable to say sorry and resolve problems level headedly.
9. She felt like a victim after discussions with him.
10. She changed, and he did not.
11. He had violent temper tantrums.
12. He blamed her for his problems.
13. He had a list of things against her that he always brought up in an argument.
14. He attended one couples counseling session, and she went alone to the next one.
15. The relationship confused her.
16. He did not treat her like a friend.
17. His parents disliked her, and she did not know why.
18. He kept comparing her to his ex-girlfriend.
19. They constantly argued.
20. She could not foresee him in her future.
21. He never complemented her but felt free to criticize her.
22. She could not kick back and relax with him.
23. He changed, and it was a hassle to be around him.
24. She felt she wasted her time on him.
25. She felt disempowered by the relationship.
He Committed a "Deal Breaker"
1. He became overtly controlling.
2. He went to Los Vegas and had an affair, then bragged about it to others.
3. He was atrocious at childcare, and the child was injured.
4. He stayed at his ex’s house for 3 days.
5. He hit her.
6. He became a pornography addict and masturbated while viewing it.
7. He demanded access to her phone and social media accounts.
8. He had violent temper tantrums.
9. She discovered that he dealt in drugs.
10. He could not hold down a steady job.
11. His texting took precedence over her—even in bed.
12. He continually sent texts at the last minute that he would not be there on time.
13. He lied to other women about his status in life, and it was really a come-on.
14. He stared at other women.
15. She was not invited to attend his family’s functions.
16. He made more money than her and kept reminding her of it when it came to house work.
17. He blatantly had a date with a coworker.
18. He demanded sex and mocked her when she said was too tired for it.
19. He became an alcoholic.
20. He acted like she was his personal ATM machine.
21. He was obsessed about something he said was wrong with her.
22. She overheard her partner say he does not love her—it was all about sex.
She Realized They Were Not Compatible
1. She felt like she was wasting time with this relationship.
2. He resented the fact that she earned more money than he did.
3. She and her partner had different sex drives.
4. He stopped paying attention to her.
5. He became unresponsive about her sexual needs.
6. He made no moves to handle his debt.
7. He broke his promises.
8. He felt free to criticize her.
9. He kept telling her how to think.
10. He lied to her and to others.
11. She did not like his friends, and he did not like her friends.
12. She had so many choices in life, and he was not interested in them.
13. His friends took priority over her plans every time.
14. He blamed her for his problems.
15. He spent so much money on drugs and alcohol that he was always broke.
16. He just was not the man she thought he was when she dated him.
17. She could not wait 5 years for him to grow up.
18. She felt she wasted her time trying to change him.
19. He withdrew instead of talking over his issues.
20. He left her feeling all stressed out.
21. There was too much drama in their relationship.
22. They did not have similar values.
They Did Not Want the Same Things
1. He wanted to move to the country, and she wanted to stay in the city.
2. They moved so he could take a new job, but she was now unemployed.
3. He became emphatic that she spent every non-working hour with him.
4. Her plans and his for the future became very divergent.
5. He turned out to be a video game addict.
6. He smoked lots of marijuana every day and could not remember things.
7. She learned that he was emotionally stuck in adolescence.
8. He had no career plans.
9. During a 3-year relationship they traveled around the world, but he refused to marry her.
10. She did not get along with his kid.
12. He turned his living quarters into a marijuana den.
13. He became addicted to cigarettes, and she did not smoke.
Living through young adulthood is quite complicated today, more so than what your grandparents faced. There is no demarcation of when adolescence is over. It is purely a subjective experience that makes one feel like he or she has reached full adulthood. And there are no set rules for romance either, like other generations had.
Remember, you do not have to put your partner down in order to leave. You do not need to get revenge. Rather, feel empowered by your decision and what you learned from the relationship.
Dr Billy Kidd (author) from Sydney, Australia on April 02, 2019:
Thank you for the feedback!
dashingscorpio from Chicago on March 25, 2019:
I always believed there were three reasons why couples split.
1. They chose the wrong mate. (They're too incompatible.)
2. A "deal breaker" was committed in one of their eyes.
3. They fell out of love/stopped wanting the same things.
Every other reason is a subcategory of one of the big three.
Young people often pursue relationships without having taken the time to figure out who (they) are let alone know what they want and need in a mate for life. They allow "impulsive connections" and "happenstance" to dictate their relationship choices.
It's the equivalent of going shopping without a list!
Generally speaking it's only after experiencing heartaches and betrayals that one begins to refine their mate selection/screening process and "must haves list". Lastly what makes for an "ideal mate" at age 17, 20, or 25 may not cut it at age 30 and beyond.
With age and life experience usually comes wisdom! :)