When He Doesn't Know How to Break Up With You
5 Signs He Will Show When He's Ready to Go...
Your partner isn't interested in talking to you anymore about the relationship. He doesn't want you around his friends and family whether he told you this or alluded to it in some way. He would prefer you stay home then ride anywhere with him in his precious automobile especially at night or on weekends during the day (cheaters tend to behave in this way.) We have all been in our share of breakups to make ups and breakups permanently. Some of us are headed to heartbreak hotel right now, but refuse to check-in. Rather, we keep turning back around hoping things will get better when they won't! So what more must a man do for a woman to get a clue?
One. Start an Argument.
Maybe he is intentionally looking to get angry at you over the littlest of things and maybe he is not. Arguments tend to come during times when you are disturbing his plans or when you are asking questions he rather not answer. His agenda is simply to do one of two things do what he wants indoors like watch television in peace without you around or go outdoors to spend time alone or with anyone who doesn't remind him of you.
When you object to where he is going without you and interfere with plans that appease him, you are only making it easier for him to say, "Goodbye and good riddance!" Avoid the argument game and find something else to do rather than worry over what he is doing and where he is going. It takes two to tango and it's obvious he doesn't want to tango with you. Face the truth (whatever that might be) and start making your own plans without him. If you are wrong about him not wanting to be in a relationship with you any longer, he will start acting better toward you, not worse.
Two. Find Fault.
Let's face it you are doing everything right in the relationship, at least that's what you want to believe, go ahead believe it! Better yet, make sure you are doing everything and then some (within reason of course) that you two agreed you would do since the last argument. Now what do you think will happen if old wounds from past arguing have yet to heal? He is going to point out what you did and didn't do. He is going to make a big deal over the little things. Do you know why? Because he isn't convinced that he wants to be with you, even worse, he may also be unsure as to whether or not he is able to be committed to anyone.
Most likely, he has already blamed you in this department or blamed himself hoping you would pity him. "I just don't know if it's you or me. I mean I am trying to be the man that you want me to be, but it's hard! You expect too much from me!" Don't play into this game of finding fault; rather find your peace. If his faults with you are so few and far in between and he hasn't done anything else to show signs he is ready to end the relationship, don't be so quick to call it quits. You might be having one of those PMS melt-downs.
Three. Badmouth You to Others to Rally Up Support.
Men are no different than women in this area. They will call anyone up who will listen. Immature men will talk about their wives or girlfriends at work and elsewhere negatively if they are confident that the relationship is headed nowhere. You may overhear him talking to his mother or sister or you may start to feel uncomfortable around certain family members, friends or co-workers. Don't take that frigid feeling lightly, he has been running his mouth about you. "I don't know if I want to be with her anymore, I mean we are always arguing...I thought she was the one, but I don't know," he may say. Of course leaving out the fact that he did or said something that was off the wall the other day.
You have a choice: keep conversing with these people trying to convince them how rotten their son, grandson, nephew, etc. is or gradually distance yourself from everyone. If children are involved, they can still visit their relatives without you sitting at the table asking questions about him or sharing negative information about your relationship with them. When you do these things, you only create a larger wedge in your relationship and you give his people as my grandma once told me, "a stick to crack your head with!"
Sometimes men will talk angrily about their women, but then frustration tends to go away and they are back to being loving and kind toward you. If this keeps happening, he isn't going anywhere, but you might be ready to leave, but are unwilling to face it, so you blame him.
Four. Ignore You.
You walk in one part of the house, he leaves that area and goes into another part. You attempt to touch him, he pulls away. He tries very hard not to let the fabric of his clothes so much as brush pass your arm. It feels like he is keeping away from you like a plague, huh? Well if this is happening, you know the only way to address this issue is head on. Most likely, it will lead to a huge argument complete with yelling, crying, and slamming doors or he will just look at you with a dumb look and let you make a fool of yourself when you ask, "Is there anything wrong? Would you like to talk about it?"
If you are at that place in the relationship where you have simply had enough, you will no longer subject yourself to this kind of abuse (that's right it's a form of abuse called emotional abuse.) Now if your mate isn't doing this so much that it is driving you crazy, then he might be going through something that has nothing to do with you. If there are no other signs that indicate he is so over you, then don't unfairly assume anything, ask questions about what might be happening outside the relationship that is causing him to withdraw from you and possibly other things like his interests, family and friends.
Five. Avoid Communication Unless Absolutely Necessary.
Some men will not only avoid touching their partners they are no longer interested (which is a clear sign it's over,) but they will avoid talking to them too (also considered emotional abuse.) For example, let's say every night you attempt to talk to him about various things that happened to you throughout the day and every night he cuts you off, walks away, turns up the TV, or puts on his headset, chances are he could care less about you and/or how you spend your day.
Think about a time when you two were really into one another, you both paid attention to what the other was saying. If you find he is consistently ignoring you even after you have repeatedly talked to him about it, there is definitely some love loss.
As much as you would like for your partner to sit down and just be adult about these things, most likely he is behaving like this, because he doesn't know how to communicate with you. Some men don't want to bother with the arguing. Others just rather push and push until eventually the woman says, "I am fed up! It's over!"
This way he doesn't have to feel guilty about what he has and hasn't done. Meanwhile, the woman who is still in love with her man wants to fight tooth and nail to keep him. She wants to consult with anyone and everyone for assistance, but the writing is on the wall, all she has to do is read it and accept it -- it's over! It doesn't matter how one gets the news, the point is it's over now where is that box for your things or his?
Does He Really Want to Break Up or Are You Just Going Through the Motions?
What has your mate said or done that makes you believe he wants to end the relationship?
You May Not Think You Are Crazy But...
He may not have came right out and told you, but the other day, last week or a month ago you really acted downright crazy in his eyes! He said a few choice words and that's when you went off! The episode got so bad that this man has never looked at you the same way since. Good luck trying to get him to come back around!
Once a man has deemed you a crazy b*tch it becomes a real challenge to convince him otherwise especially if he has repeated the scenario to his nosey relatives and his "I told you so" friends. The best thing to do in a situation such as this (many broken hearted women would rather not do what I am about to suggest,) is distance yourself from him first. Don't wait for him to break up with you. Allow yourself the space you need to collect your emotions. It is rare that a man who does the following: disrespects you on a regular basis, turned off and then on by you from one day to the next, and can't look you in the eyes, is still interested in being a boyfriend much less your future husband. (This piece of advice doesn't apply to those of you who are already married--you took vows you will have to do what it takes to make things work just so long as the relationship is not abusive. I'm not encouraging married people step out on one another.)
The man you once fell in love with may have claimed that he still loves you while you laid down with him (yet again) hoping to connect with him on a mental and physical level, and then there was his negative attitude, the name-calling, the cheating and whatever else that caused you to almost lose your mind for the umpteenth time!
It's time to get your mind back intact--the focus: self. In order to take control of yourself, you must reconnect with yourself not your man! You can't do it by sleeping with him. You can't get your self-esteem and wits about you by offering your car, money, and other things to a man who has obviously showed you he isn't "feeling you," he "doesn't know about you" or he "has fallen out of love." Whatever his reason for losing interest in you, don't give him anymore reasons by acting out the part of a crazy b*tch. Otherwise, you will find yourself humiliated or worse in jail!
The crazy b*tch is the one who dials his phone and then hangs up repeatedly after an argument. She is the one asking, "Who is that b*tch?" and the woman poses no threat to her and her man isn't the least bit interested. "I told you I am not involved with that woman...she is old...fat...crazy like you! Why would I want her?"
The crazy b*tch searches into the wee hours of the morning for a shred of evidence that she can throw in her man's face to get him to be honest with her even though she knows she is no longer interested in him and vice versa.
This wild chic is going to get his mother, sister, best friend and anyone else involved in the relationship. She will name-call in public. Slap, scratch or bite her man (usually behind closed doors,) because she is just so angry at him and for some reason it makes her feel better knowing he has a permanent scar on his body from her.
The scary woman uses their children against her man by not letting them talk or see him in between break-ups. She does evil things that even her own mother would want to disown her. She doesn't care about the consequences, his feelings, her own mental or physical well-being. Crazy is what she knows because most likely she learned from the best (crazy b*tches she grew up with.) From spells to chants, she does things that God will one day hurt her about or worse her children will have to grow up and face their mother's evils. If you don't believe in God, then believe that Karma is a b*tch!
So if this isn't you, at least not yet, then you still have time to pack your emotions and physical belongings while everything is still intact and get away from this man who thinks you are crazy. But if this describes you, may God be with you, because eventually this bad relationship may cause you your health, wealth or maybe your freedom in the end.
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
After the Break Up, Years Later: A Personal Experience
We were at that stage in a broken relationship I had with someone from years ago where we still encompassed unresolved feelings for one another. You know, when you have been separated for so long you just don't know whether you want to do anything with one another from going out on a dinner date to having sex again.
I had to make up in my mind that I just wasn't ready to go through the "ho, hum" boredom toward the end of this past relationship along with dramas of yesteryear that brought so many tears and fears all over again.
He was nice to look at-- eye candy-- perfect for my sweet tooth and charming like you wouldn't believe, but also forbidden because in the past he caused a cavity and eventually a root canal (some of you ladies reading this know exactly what I am talking about--the forbidden fruit.) This man with his beautiful blue eyes, blond hair, and nice smile, I still recalled what he looked like in the nude and that didn't help matters either. Despite my trading my old life for a more Christian-like life, I still had needs and I knew if I said, "yes" to him he wouldn't mind fulfilling them.
But something had to change, this on again off again merry-go-round of a relationship, we couldn't keep revisiting the past like this. After several phone calls and seeing one another a few times, we didn't start a relationship again like I had secretly hoped and then boldly proclaimed one day during one of our conversations, "I want us to be together but..." He wasn't interested in "but," he was more interested in "butt" and I knew it and I grew angry at times because I wanted him to see the new me.
So I decided to spend more time with my new Father (you know the one in heaven) and study His Word along with meditation and prayer, while my flesh was tempting me to go all out for this man, but I just couldn't! I went back and forth with God. I asked the Holy Father about wanting my History to be my life-long Future and to this request, I got, "No, because he doesn't want a relationship with me." What!? God shared with me "No" meant not because the man I still loved didn't love me, but because his mind and body was elsewhere. Someone else had long taken my place. My past and I were no longer equally yoked like we once were before I gave my life to Christ--you see were once both children of darkness. My former sweetheart became my personal forbidden fruit.
I ached to hear his voice for days, weeks--who knows how long!? There were times I couldn't sleep. Sometimes all I did was think of him. I waited by the phone hoping he would call. I talked to God about him, but nothing had changed--my past was just that my past! I meditated on our time spent. I was lovesick. I was wishing for something that wasn't meant to be. Why couldn't God make him be with me?
Eventually, the spoiled young man --who years prior to our meeting again, who had been use to me giving him my body, could no longer get what he wanted-- would officially leave me alone when I pressured about a relationship not a friendship, he replied, "It's always all or nothing with you, isn't it?"
I guess it still is.
That last conversation over the phone closed our chapter officially! I cried and cried after the phone call, but with each passing day (and with the help of God,) I had learned to let go and my old man did too, he never called again. Funny, the single date we did have, after years of not being together included a movie, Titanic. You recall how that movie ended.
What You Can Do to Test Whether He Wants a Relationship
So you suspect that your boyfriend wants to end the relationship, okay you pretty much know he wants to end the relationship, if this is so, test him!
You will want to communicate your concerns even when you know it is going to start a war. If he really wants out, then he won't participate in any arguing matches any longer. Why? Because there is nothing to fight about. Now for those men who typically walk away anyway, you will have to put some pressure on them--a little bit (not too much because you don't want to evoke a violent incident) in order to prove your suspicions. So you speak truth about the way he is behaving and what you don't like about it and you tell him either he is leaving or you are leaving and you specifically set a date until someone makes up in his or her mind that the relationship is worth saving. People don't do well with ultimatums, but if you don't establish some boundary he will walk all over you if he hasn't already.
Notice, when you get to the point about your suspicions (without revealing too much information), there is no beating around the bush. Now if you don't live with him, you simply state when you plan on moving on with your life without him, because you don't want to worry anymore about whether he loves you or not and whether he wants to be in a relationship. The date and your actions are important, because it tells your boyfriend or man-friend, "She means business." Be sure to start collecting your things during this time, don't be so available to him mentally and physically like you used to, and avoid the temptation to share your daily activities with him. Then periodically check up on the relationship status to see where the two of you stand. Growing apart or drawing closer as a result, pay attention to signs.
Save your money, stop being a help mate without an honest commitment. Also, avoid the temptation to service him and forget about those holidays. They are just trappings to take your money anyway. You have serious concerns and getting a teddy bear, candy and a cheap bracelet shouldn't be one of them. Ask yourself, "Is he really in this relationship for me or for what I can do for him?"
When you start pulling back on what you do for this man/boy, you wil be able to clearly see whether he is with you for material reasons. For instance, let's say you typically let him use your car or you buy things for him, and he seems to be very appreciative when you care for him, but then soon after, he goes back to his ugly ways. This is a clear indication that he is keeping you around for what you do for him, but not because he necessarily loves you.
Men who play games of "I love you when..." but "I hate you when..." still have a lot of maturing to do. He isn't your boss, you shouldn't have to perform in order to get an award like an engagement or promise ring for instance. Be yourself--don't behave just so you can get something from him. Sure, this sort of behavior worked for many women like being nice so that they can get married, but ask them now how happy they truly are in their relationships. Most will lie. Be smarter than they!
When you are testing your man or anyone else, you don't give them everything (information, gifts, affection, service, etc.) and then jump around and act grateful over the crumbs they give you in return. Let your giving be genuine, yet simple, rarely done and only a temporary test for this man who you question about loving and being committed to only you. Then sit back and watch how he reacts without giving him anything else--you most likely already proven to him that you are committed. Also, don't wrap your emotions into your giving like you did in the past with thoughts like, "I hope that he will do this or that for me, because I did this for him...I love him so much and I truly hope he sees that in my giving...I believe that he will stay with me because I gave him this...and I bet no other woman will do the kinds of things I do..." Save all that foolishness!
Men don't think that deeply. God didn't create men to be these sappy creatures who wrap their emotions into things, but society influenced many men to be just that! The essence of a God-fearing man is one who looks beyond the surface of his mate, he will protect and love her for who she is and for the help that she brings to him. If you aren't doing your part in the relationship, you can't expect him to do nothing more than use you. This is why you must test the man or boy-man!
Talk to those who know him being very charming, funny and kind when you do. You want the conversation to make his relatives and friends feel comfortable enough to talk to you. Do the same with your relatives and friends without bad-mouthing your man. Let them speak their thoughts whether you like them or not and keep your mouth closed when they are giving you their honest opinion.
When you mention your man to those you both know, talk about things like: how busy he has been...how you have been helping him with...what he does for you...what he has said to others about you. Then bring up some things about the past and what he has told you about them--that's right those he knows that would be considered public knowledge--not private information. Then throw in something in the conversation about his personality and a "you know how he can be..." statement. Then allow those quiet moments to move these people to say something about their feelings concerning the both of you. What you are looking for is something revealing about how he feels about you, the future, what has been taking place that has changed the way he behaves, etc. While you are conversing with these people, throw in information that you don't mind getting back to him like your thoughts about marriage and having children, but look out, someone just might provide you with some warnings. He may even act more strangely after the conversation gets back to him. You can use those gossips, know-it-all and controlling types to your advantage! Don't defend or act angrily if the information isn't what you want to hear! You want to hear the truth, so you can cut your loses! Acting negatively toward his side of the family will only reaffirm feelings about you being no good for him if there are those who don't like you. Always smile, laugh, and if need be, you can always record a conversation when speaking with a known liar.
Lastly, think of some other tests you might want to challenge him on. Money, faith, employment, childhood experiences, and personal views on controversial subject matter will rough some people's feathers almost instantly. Throw in your personal opinion and watch his reaction. Talk about long-term goals and more to keep the conversation going. Remember, you are opening up dialogue to see where you and he really stand in such a way that it doesn't look like you are talking about the relationship right away. You will sprinkle some statements in the conversation that don't include anything about him like, "If I ever won the lottery I would go to XYZ location and meet a charming guy who would..." If he says something like, "So you wouldn't take me?" You would say, "No, you're not my husband, besides you have been acting like....lately... and because of what you are doing, you are making me feel like.....So why would I spend my future with someone who does those things to me (and the children if you have any)?" Come up with your own statements to encourage dialogue.
Does it sound like you are starting an argument when you make bold statements or speak truth, yes, but those men who don't like to talk and are considered non-confrontational--the type who run from any and everything, you have to do what you can to see whether or not your man's present actions and verbal statements are proven to be true--does he really want to end the relationship? You wouldn't be reading this hub if your mate was the straightforward type when it comes to his feelings. Ask him that again and again in different ways until you get the answer that you deserve! When it doesn't come to your satisfaction, you have no more fight! Start making plans to exit the relationship sooner rather than later.
As for those liars and controlling types, you will definitely have to spend more time questioning yourself than your man, "Why would I settle for a person like this? What caused me to be with him in the first place and what do I need to do to break free--get over him? Do I even want him? How is being with him benefiting me emotionally, spiritually and physically? What can I do to get out of this unsatisfying relationship with a liar, cheat, etc." Be honest with yourself about who your man really is. For some gullible women, they have brainwashed themselves into thinking that their manipulative men are good men when that is the furthest thing from the truth. List his pros and cons like you would if you had to rate a new pair of shoes!
If you have a faith, put that to use too! Let this man know where you stand when it comes to biblical principles and mention what God has shared with you about your life and give him the option to be a part of that! Notice his reaction and keep that in mind when you and he make your decisions on whether you want to stay in the relationship or move on.
Don't be a fool! Be wise and know that you have a Creator that loves you more than any man ever will! Let God be your guide or yourself (if you have no faith) when it comes to who will make a good mate for you--don't leave it up to anyone to dictate your future!
Are You Befriending Someone Online?
Sometimes relationships offline just take a different turn and before long you are on to the next one. If this describes you, I would like you for you to take a moment to check out my new Internet dating book entitled, "Too Much Too Soon Internet Blues." Too often people end up in relationships with online dates they regret. Let's take a closer look at your current connection before it's too late. See here.
© 2010 Nicholl McGuire