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5 Important Things to Do When Your Boyfriend Contacts His Ex

Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. Let his trial and error be your success (hopefully).

Find out why your boyfriend still talks with his ex.

Find out why your boyfriend still talks with his ex.

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex

Are you a little bothered because you just realized that your boyfriend still talks to his ex every once in a while? Does it make you feel insecure?

While it's natural to feel a little weird about it, the fact that he talks to his ex isn't automatically a bad thing. Before you burst into tears and start planning how you're going to dump him, here are a few things that you should do when your boyfriend is talking to his ex.

1. Address the Situation Openly

Don't hide the fact that you're bothered or insecure. This doesn't mean that you should blame your boyfriend for feelings of jealousy that you might have. This simply means that you should acknowledge them.

Communicate your fears to your boyfriend. If he doesn't seem to care or acts really defensive about it, then maybe you should press him for more details.

2. Figure Out Why He Is Talking to His Ex

Some people can genuinely be "just friends" with their exes. Maybe they started dating, realized their feelings were mostly platonic, and decided to remain friends.

This is the ideal situation if your boyfriend is still talking to his ex; they are basically close friends who have no romantic feelings whatsoever. There's little to be jealous about if their relationship was short-lived and not very fiery. Even better, if your boyfriend's ex turned out to be gay (or straight, if you're gay) and that's why their relationship ended, then there's not as much of a chance that something inappropriate is happening between them. (Granted, it could still happen.)

On the other hand, there's more reason to be suspicious if there's no conceivable reason that they're still talking. For example, let's say that your boyfriend and his ex had a purely physical relationship and went through an explosive breakup. Furthermore, they were never very good friends in the first place. Why would they still be talking?

How long have your boyfriend and his ex been apart?

How long have your boyfriend and his ex been apart?

3. Consider How Long Your Boyfriend and His Ex Have Been Apart

Did they break up like a million years ago, before you even met each other? In that case, maybe the fire between them has cooled off enough that they can legitimately be friends without any drama.

On the other, hand, did they break up just last month? Did they break up because of you?

If it's only been a few weeks and your boyfriend is already talking to his ex, this might be something that you'll want to calmly address with him.

4. Take Some Time to Think (and Cool Down)

Even if you find information that you don't like while probing your boyfriend about the situation, take some time to be by yourself and think about what's going on. Before you react, reflect on what your rational response should be.

Remember that if your reaction is based on insecurity, you may do irreparable damage to your relationship. You might unwittingly send the message to your boyfriend that you don't trust him. How will he react to that? Is he really doing anything wrong? Think carefully about what you've learned and the best way to proceed.

Obviously, if you've discovered that your boyfriend is sending naked pictures to his ex or something like that, there's less to think about. In unambiguous situations like those, you might just want to kick the guy to the curb.

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5. Ask to Meet His Ex

If his ex really is just a friend, your boyfriend should have no problem introducing you. Sure, it's normal for him to feel a bit awkward bringing a current and past flame together, but it should be doable.

However, if he is still seeing his ex in secret, he'll probably feel too guilty to introduce you or allow you to hang out together. He'll probably be nervous that you'll discover his two-timing ways.

If you do meet his ex, pay attention to how she (or he) acts. Does she seem nervous around you? Does she give you smug looks? Is she really touchy-feely with your boyfriend? If so, then you might have a problem. Even if there's nothing between them, she may be trying to rekindle something.

After meeting his ex, if you can tell that she definitely still carries a torch for him, advise your boyfriend of this. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of his talking to someone who clearly still wants him, don't be afraid to let him know.

Signs Your Man Isn't Over His Ex

  1. He talks about her all the time. If your boyfriend keeps bringing up his ex, that could be a sign, he still has feelings for them. Even if he's mad at his ex and complains, the fact that they're on his mind is a red flag.
  2. He's active in his ex's social media. If you're over somebody, you don't like everything they post. It's another sign that the ex is on his mind.
  3. He uses his ex's name by mistake. Ouch! If he calls you by his ex's name once, maybe let it slide. If it happens again, time to wonder if he hasn't moved on.
  4. He compares you to his ex. That's just rude. And also a sign he's still into his ex.
  5. He won't introduce you to friends he has in common with his ex. If he won't introduce you to friends who know his ex, it may be because he doesn't want the old relationship to be over.

Did You Catch Him Texting His Ex?

Here's what you should do.

5 Things to Do if You Catch Him Texting His Ex

  1. Tell him it hurts you.
  2. Ask him what's going on. What does his ex mean to him?
  3. Tell him you need his help being comfortable with their friendship (if you're sure that's what it is).
  4. If he admits he has unresolved feelings for his ex, then you need to decide if you still want to be in the relationship.
  5. Hear him out and take some time to think things over.

Can I Make Him Stop Talking to His Ex?

At the end of the day, you can't prohibit anyone from doing something. There really are two possible situations here:

  1. He is still talking with his ex, and there is no possibility that they will rekindle their relationship.
  2. He is still talking to his ex, and it's possible they may get back together.

Either way, he is the one who ultimately has control over this. The only thing you can control is whether you tolerate it or not. If you try to forbid him from talking to his ex, whether it is justified or you are just acting out of insecurity, you are fighting a losing battle. What's the point of a relationship if you can't trust your partner to make the right decision on their own, after all?

Reasons Your Boyfriend Might Be in Touch With His Ex

  1. They have kids together and have to talk often about custody issues.
  2. He's just friends with her. It's possible that he just likes the other women he has dated and that there's no hanky-panky.
  3. They broke up recently and still have stuff to work out. In this scenario, there's a pretty good chance that he might be into her romantically.
  4. He was friends with her for a long time, and they have other friends in common. Lots of shared history but no romance.
  5. He was the one who got dumped and still carries a torch for her. Watch out!

Your Strategy When He Talks to His Ex

If your boyfriend lies about contacting his ex then he's probably planning on cheating, if he isn't cheating already.

If your boyfriend lies about contacting his ex then he's probably planning on cheating, if he isn't cheating already.

What to Do if Your Boyfriend Lies and Talks to His Ex Behind Your Back

Did your boyfriend actively keep the fact that he was contacting his ex a secret from you? Did he lie when you asked him about it, but then you found out later that they were still talking?

Dump him. He was looking to cheat. There's no reason for someone to keep that kind of thing a secret unless they're planning to do something they're not "supposed" to do.

Sure, maybe he was just afraid that you would be mad or something, but that still begs the question of why he would rather avoid your anger than be honest with you. This points to some messed up priorities.

Trust is a foundational aspect of any successful relationship, and if you can't trust your own boyfriend, then maybe you're better off sending him back to his ex.

The Ex Factor

Why Does His Ex Keep Texting Him?

If your boyfriend keeps getting texts from his ex, take note of his reaction. Is he annoyed? Excited? Does he complain about his ex trying to stay in touch with him? Or does he excuse himself and go somewhere else to respond? The only way to know whether the communication between your boyfriend and his ex is the beginning of them getting back together is to watch and listen. Ask him why his ex is getting in touch. Then see what he says. Just because his ex is texting doesn't mean your boyfriend is still interested in them.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: My boyfriend is always communicating with his ex, even though I forbid him. What should I do?

Answer: What, is your boyfriend five years old? Are you his mother? Is it your job to "forbid" him from doing this or that?

If he continues to do something, knowing full well that you don't like it, then you can either live with it or break up with him. You cannot control another person.

Question: Do you think it is acceptable for someone to talk to their ex every day?

Answer: It depends. The frequency doesn't matter so much as the intention.

Question: Do you think my boyfriend should get mad if I block an ex on his phone?

Answer: You mean, if you go on his phone and block an ex of his, without his permission?

Then hell yes, he should be mad. You don't have the right to block other people on someone else's phone, no matter who it is.

You either trust your boyfriend, or you don't, but your boyfriend is (I assume) a grown man, not your child. He is not your property, and you are not the judge of who he should associate with. That's up to him.

If you don't like that he talks to his ex, and he refuses to stop by his own choice, then you can break up with him.

Question: What do I do if my boyfriend's ex messages him to catch up and he responds?

Answer: There's nothing inherently wrong with that. If they are just catching up, they could be friends. If she's trying to "catch" something else, then you might have a problem.

Question: I caught my bf's ex texting him for sex. He said nothing happened, and left it there. Do you think that because he didn't justify himself enough, it means that they are still sleeping together?

Answer: If he was telling the truth, why would he need to justify? Usually, it's liars who over-explain stuff.

Having said that, they could still be sleeping together, sure. There's no way to know. You either trust his word or you don't.

Question: Why is my boyfriends' ex insisting on talking to him on a video call?

Answer: I don't know your life, so I have no idea. Maybe she is still friends with him and just wants to talk to him. Maybe she's trying to seduce him. It could be any reason, really.

Question: Do you think it is okay to date your boyfriend if he’s waiting for his ex to be ready for him to be in a relationship?

Answer: Depends, is that the kind of relationship that you want? One where you're waiting to be traded in for someone your boyfriend likes more? If that's the case, then be my guest.

© 2017 Jorge Vamos

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