My Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex! 5 Important Things to Do When Your Man Contacts His Ex

Updated on January 25, 2018
thehands profile image

After seeing many friends (or himself) seduced by love, only to crash and burn afterwards, Jorge writes advice based on his observations.

When Your Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex

Are you a little bothered because you just realized that your boyfriend still talks to his ex every once in awhile? Does it make you feel insecure?

While it's natural to feel a little weird about it, the fact that he talks to his ex isn't automatically a bad thing. Before you burst into tears and start planning how you're going to dump him, here are a few things that you should do when your boyfriend is talking to his ex:

Is your boyfriend having a great time talking to his ex? This isn't always a bad thing.
Is your boyfriend having a great time talking to his ex? This isn't always a bad thing.

1) Address the Situation Openly

Don't hide the fact that you're bothered or insecure. This doesn't mean that you should blame your boyfriend for feelings of jealousy that you might have. This simply means that you should acknowledge them.

Communicate your fears to your boyfriend. If he doesn't seem to care or acts really defensive about it, then maybe you should press him for more details.

2) Figure Out Why He is Talking to His Ex

Some people can genuinely be "just friends" with their exes. Maybe they started dating, realized their feelings were mostly platonic, and decided to remain friends.

This is the ideal situation if your boyfriend is still talking to his ex: they are basically close friends who have no romantic feelings whatsoever. There's little to be jealous about if their relationship was short-lived and not very fiery. Even better, if your boyfriend's ex turned out to be gay (or straight, if you're gay) and that's why their relationship ended, then there's not as much of a chance that something inappropriate is happening between them. (Granted, it could still happen.)

On the other hand, there's more reason to be suspicious if there's no conceivable reason that they're still talking. For example, let's say that your boyfriend and his ex had a purely physical relationship and went through an explosive breakup; furthermore, they were never very good friends in the first place. Why would they still be talking, then?

Are your boyfriend and his ex "just friends," or does their love still burn with the passion of a thousand suns?
Are your boyfriend and his ex "just friends," or does their love still burn with the passion of a thousand suns?

3) Consider How Long Your Boyfriend and His Ex Have Been Apart

Did they break up like a million years ago, before you even met each other? In that case, maybe the fire between them has cooled off enough that they can legitimately be friends without any drama.

On the other, hand, did they break up just last month? Did they break up because of you?

If it's only been a few weeks and your boyfriend is already talking to his ex, this might be something that you'll want to calmly address with him.

Your Strategy When He Talks to His Ex

Have you ever discovered that your boyfriend was still talking to his ex? What did you do?

See results

4) Spend Some Time Alone

Even if you find information that you don't like while probing your boyfriend about the situation, take some time to go off by yourself and think about what's going on. Before you react, reflect on what your rational response should be.

Remember that if you just allow yourself to react on an irrational insecurity, that you may do irreparable damage to your relationship. You might unwittingly send the message to your boyfriend that you don't trust him. Think carefully about what you've learned.

Obviously, if you've discovered that your boyfriend is sending naked pictures to his ex or something like that, there's less to think about. In unambiguous situations like those, you might just want to kick the guy to the curb.

Spend some time alone to think about things.
Spend some time alone to think about things.

5) Ask to Meet His Ex

If his ex really is just a friend, your boyfriend should have no problem introducing you. Sure, it's normal for him to perhaps feel a bit awkward bringing a current and past flame together, but it should be doable.

However, if he is still seeing his ex in secret, he'll probably feel too guilty to introduce you or allow you to hang out together. He'll probably be nervous that you'll figure out his two-timing ways.

If you do meet his ex, pay attention to how she (or he) acts. Does she seem nervous around you? Does she give you smug looks? Is she really touchy-feely with your boyfriend? If so, then you might have a problem. Even if there's nothing between them, she may be trying to rekindle something.

After meeting his ex, if you can tell that she definitely still carries a torch for him, advise your boyfriend of this. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of his talking to someone who clearly still wants him, don't be afraid to let him know.

Should You Forbid Him From Talking to His Ex?

At the end of the day, you can't forbid anyone of anything. There really are two possible situations here:

  1. He is still talking with his ex and there is no possibility that they will rekindle their relationship.
  2. He is still talking to his ex, and it's possible they may get back together.

Either way, he is the one who ultimately has control over this. The only thing you can control is whether you tolerate it or not. If you try to forbid him from talking to his ex, whether it is justified or you are just acting out of insecurity, you are fighting a losing battle. What's the point of a relationship if you can't trust your partner to make the right decision on their own, after all?

What to Do If Your Boyfriend Was Talking to His Ex in Secret

Did your boyfriend actively keep the fact that he was contacting his ex a secret from you? Did he lie when you asked him about it, but then you found out later that they were still talking?

Dump him, then. He was looking to cheat. There's no reason for someone to keep that kind of thing a secret unless they're planning to do something they're not "supposed" to do.

Sure, maybe he was just afraid that you would be mad or something, but that still begs the question of why he would rather avoid your anger than be honest with you. This points to some messed up priorities.

Trust is a foundational aspect of any successful relationship, and if you can't trust your own boyfriend, then maybe you're better off sending him back to his ex.

The Ex Factor

Do you think it's acceptable for someone to still talk to their ex when in a new relationship?

See results

Questions & Answers

  • Do you think it is acceptable for someone to talk to their ex every day?

    It depends. The frequency doesn't matter so much as the intention.

© 2017 Jorge Vamos

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Idk 

      3 weeks ago

      So it turns out the boy I’m currently dating is still close with his ex. I had always known that they were civil and got along from the start, but it recently turns out they are a bit closer then I thought. I mean don’t get me wrong I’m not saying ex’s have to hate eachother just because one has moved on, but I at least expect them to stop communication when a new relationship comes into the picture. I went in a bit of a strop with him last night, not too much but subtly enough for him to realise something was wrong, I don’t really feel like addressing the situation because he’s a good guy and I trust him. But still it kind of confuses me why they are so so close. I just feel like it’s a bit dodgy considering he has a thing with me and is really close to another girl, espiecally his ex. It’s not even as tho they are just ‘good friends’ they literally text almost everyday with kisses and the lot. I’ve been messed around once before so I know the signs of a cheater, but I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else feel this way? It’s sort of hurt me and I just wanna know if anyone can relate

    • profile image

      Mary 

      5 weeks ago

      Makes me so sad most days. My bf talks to his ex, apparently every 2 weeks or so. I never did make any ultimatum to him but yesterday she texted him saying she was sad he didn't get her anything for her birthday (which was the day before) and when I asked him about it he admitted then that she called 2 weeks prior, and 2 weeks prior to that and so on and that when she calls she says I'm not good enough for him (which I know already because he tells me daily anyhow) and that he should dump me and so on and so forth. And she tells him things that I KNOW to be untruthful, but he continually sides with her. He says its perfectly ok and it doesn't bother him that she spends a lot of time trashing me. I normally just suffer in silence when I hear from folks that USED to be my friends who say they don't want to talk to me because she said this or that. She doesn't even *KNOW* me. It makes me sad that after two years + she still has keys to his home, comes over whenever I'm not around....that they only communicate behind my back. So when I found all this out, I felt it was just too disprespectful and asked him to have her stop reaching out to him. Now I knew they were talking and in 2+ years I've not asked him to block her or anything BUT I have asked for her to stop disrespectfully coming over as soon as I'm out of town and to stop telling him to dump me and contacting him for gifts at Christmas and her birthday, etc etc. Then when I beg for what I think is just a little bit more respectful behavior he gets angry and tells me that I am a rotten person and that there is nothing good to me at all, and that she is better than me and he goes on tells me my parents hate me and are ashamed of me from heaven. I am not rich and I have to drive an hour each way to see him every day. Occassionally he comes to see me now and help me with my house, but the vast majority of the time I am spending 4, 5, 600 on gas and tolls to see him and so now his latest rage at me was because I can't save any money. I am not rich. But I managed to buy my own house with my own money and never took a dime from anyone to get it. It's humble, but I'm still proud--my mom died when I was 15 and I was on my own after that. I fought hard from the brink more than once when I was 15, and again when my company filed bankruptcy many years later. I've always worked fulltime, many times two jobs and now I spend money like it's going out of style to pay a petsitter when I go to see him and for my gas and stuff..... Am I really an awful person? Am I really terrible for wanting to AT LEAST know when they are talking so it isn't bad stuff about me behind my back? Or her telling him to dump me? Or should I just suck it up because there will be fewer insults and hurtful comments to endure? Advice? Any insight would be appreciated.

    • profile image

      Ft Raven 

      6 weeks ago

      Ok so I’m having a issue I just don’t want to tell my bf I talked to him and wanted the truth about this prank he did to his ex he pranked her by fake dating her fake saying old things like we say now I thought it was our thing I trust him but he didn’t tell me he was texting his ex after 2-3 months I feel like he still loves her or likes her it’s bothering me I am happy with him but I need proof he wasn’t actually loving on her and meaning what he said to her he called her babe and made daddy promises and said I love u kitty to her like we do in our relationship it hurts to see that :( I forgave him but it’s on my mind I don’t know what to do or he can do to prove he doesn’t care about her he texted her a long time I didn’t know about it til 4 days ago like.....it hits my heart to think about because I want it to last with him we have been together a year and six months now he says they broke up when he was 14 he is 19 now but she said they broke up a month ago while we are together but he also said it was part of the prank.......but I feel he still texts a lot of his ex’s especially her and I feel like he lied about blocking her plz help me I’ve been thinking so much...

    • profile image

      Nobody 

      8 weeks ago

      So its fathers day today and my boyfriend got a text from his ex-saying happy fathers day. After he replied he wasn't a father, She said "Well I use to call you daddy" and she laughed. And all he did was laugh with her. This irritates me. What do I do...?

    • profile image

      Silenced 

      2 months ago

      I'm with this guy and we really love each other but he still talks to a multitude of him exes and it really bothers me. He had this one ex he reallllyyyy loved and she cheated on him and he was devastated by this but he's still keeping tabs on her and lurking and talking to her and I'm thinking if she hurt you that badly and you wanted nothing to do with her, why are you still obsessed?

      I'm extremely paranoid and suffer from bad anxiety so it's had for me not to make up scenarios in my head about what is going on or what could go on.

      Sigh..... HALP

    • profile image

      Nshanga Becky The Lawyer 

      2 months ago

      Hai my friends

      I'm totally confused please help me

      I just met this guy eight months now but I have failed to know what he really wants because he says he loves me and he does everything for me but then he still talks and meets his exs(he has more than 5 and he is still in touch with them)

      One day I asked him about it and he told me that they are just friends but I feel insecure

      This is the first guy I have loved but what he does really hurts me

      I need your help

    • profile image

      Leo 

      2 months ago

      My bf went to see his ex gf. She called him to help her out on things. My bf didnt tell me on the same day it happened. He told me the next day, on top of that he told me his ex gf did give him some hugs, trying to be touchy. After 2 weeks, again this happened. My bf onlt told me the next day. Guess what, this time his ex gf when naked in front of him after her shower. He told me nothing happen and they even went out together after the naked incident. Does this consider my bf is cheating on me ? He said that he's not lying nor not cheating. I am sad. I feel betray and like a fool.

    • profile image

      Ms. Jealousy 

      3 months ago

      my bf is my friend ex i dont even know that they were exes, then i see how guilty my bf is when she's around, of course im jealous, i can see how he glimpse to her how he act so tense when shes around. Its really uncomfortable and one day caught him staring at her and he is so mad when i confronted him. I can feel also that my friend still have feelings for my bf. What should i do.. Sorry my english is not that good bear with me...

    • profile image

      Taylor 

      4 months ago

      He talks to other girls then he says bro why do u not talk to me anymore and I’m like I do ALLyhe flipping time and he freaks out

    • profile image

      Rachael 

      4 months ago

      He calls his ex to his house and ask her to do his washing of which his ex ended up burning my stuffs

    • profile image

      Rose 

      4 months ago

      I caught my boyfriend talking to his ex twice now and his excuse was I knew you would get mad and the second time was I forgot to tell to you because I was to busy so I didn’t bother telling you. After I told him I didn’t want him to talk to her because she is still trying to get back with him

    • profile image

      mark leo 

      5 months ago

      lumalandi

    • profile image

      Kyleee 

      5 months ago

      I felt fishy about my boyfriend so I looked through his phone. I went through his photos and I saw a screenshot of him talking to his ex. When I confronted him he said her sister committed suicide around this time of year and I was talking to her about it because I didn’t want to be the reason she killed herself. What should I do in that situation? Should I have been okay with it? He also tells me anytime something with my ex comes up squash it or any guy

    • profile image

      kabwe constance 

      5 months ago

      its not good to be communicating with your ex

    • profile image

      Hurt 

      5 months ago

      I caught my boyfriend hiding the fact that he still talks to his ex. Usually id be okay with that but he had her saved as dave on snapchat and would message her all the time right in front of my face. When i caught him he lied about it and said it was daves girlfriend. But once i got more proof he just laughed at me and later admitted to it. Hes also deleted messages from other girls in the past. I feel like im stupid for still believing that hes loyal

    • profile image

      Amy 

      6 months ago

      The paSt is the past and it should be left there. I told my bf to stop talking to her and he didn’t. Thats called disrespect and clearly isn’t over her even though SHE left him over a year ago. Then she tries to contact him ? No. Im in your life now. Im sorry you feel the need to ask her things I don’t have the answer to.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 

      9 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      LOL...Oh, Jorge, I love this question. I'll respond by sharing a little story.

      I went on a first date for dinner with a man I had only known a short time. From the moment we ordered dinner, he began a conversation about his "Ex"~ just out of the blue, unsolicited & almost as if he thought he was sitting across from his therapist. He spoke almost non-stop while I politely listened. Our food came and he was now into all the "talents" she had, awards she won, things they did, places they went.........Are you nauseous yet?? Frankly, I had reached the point of disbelief.....the thoughts going through my head were on the order of...."This guy has to be smoking crack...what the HELL is he thinking?!"

      At a certain point, mid-meal...as he still chatted away about "lovely Lydia".....I cleared my throat and said, "Excuse me for a moment, please?" I picked up my purse, smiled ever so sweetly, got up, headed straight for the exit and went to my car.........I couldn't have thought of anything to say to him, so why would I bother? Never heard from him again, thankfully. HE probably thought I WAS THE RUDE ONE!!! LOL A$$hole that he was!!

    • Alphadogg16 profile image

      Kevin W 

      12 months ago from Texas

      In my opinion or my "boundaries" as dashingscorpio so eloquently put it.....If there are not children involved, meaning children they share together.....There is absolutely no reason to contact/talk to your ex.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      12 months ago

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Each of us has our own mate selection process/must haves list.

      Each of us has our own "boundaries" and "deal breakers".

      On so many levels it's arrogant to enter into someone's life and expect them to "change" for (you) or drop their friends.

      If you don't believe in having exes as friends he's not for (you).

      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

      That means a person who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

      Compatibility trumps compromise.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      The (choice) is up to us! Choose wisely!

      "At the end of the day, you can't forbid anyone of anything."

      - Very true!

    • Hippie2000 profile image

      Hippie Untiet 

      12 months ago from Wisconsin

      I had to keep in contact with ex because of children. Does that count

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://pairedlife.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)