My Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex! 5 Important Things to Do When Your Man Contacts His Ex

Updated on January 25, 2018
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After seeing many friends (or himself) seduced by love, only to crash and burn afterwards, Jorge writes advice based on his observations.

When Your Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex

Are you a little bothered because you just realized that your boyfriend still talks to his ex every once in awhile? Does it make you feel insecure?

While it's natural to feel a little weird about it, the fact that he talks to his ex isn't automatically a bad thing. Before you burst into tears and start planning how you're going to dump him, here are a few things that you should do when your boyfriend is talking to his ex:

Is your boyfriend having a great time talking to his ex? This isn't always a bad thing.
Is your boyfriend having a great time talking to his ex? This isn't always a bad thing.

1) Address the Situation Openly

Don't hide the fact that you're bothered or insecure. This doesn't mean that you should blame your boyfriend for feelings of jealousy that you might have. This simply means that you should acknowledge them.

Communicate your fears to your boyfriend. If he doesn't seem to care or acts really defensive about it, then maybe you should press him for more details.

2) Figure Out Why He is Talking to His Ex

Some people can genuinely be "just friends" with their exes. Maybe they started dating, realized their feelings were mostly platonic, and decided to remain friends.

This is the ideal situation if your boyfriend is still talking to his ex: they are basically close friends who have no romantic feelings whatsoever. There's little to be jealous about if their relationship was short-lived and not very fiery. Even better, if your boyfriend's ex turned out to be gay (or straight, if you're gay) and that's why their relationship ended, then there's not as much of a chance that something inappropriate is happening between them. (Granted, it could still happen.)

On the other hand, there's more reason to be suspicious if there's no conceivable reason that they're still talking. For example, let's say that your boyfriend and his ex had a purely physical relationship and went through an explosive breakup; furthermore, they were never very good friends in the first place. Why would they still be talking, then?

Are your boyfriend and his ex "just friends," or does their love still burn with the passion of a thousand suns?
Are your boyfriend and his ex "just friends," or does their love still burn with the passion of a thousand suns?

3) Consider How Long Your Boyfriend and His Ex Have Been Apart

Did they break up like a million years ago, before you even met each other? In that case, maybe the fire between them has cooled off enough that they can legitimately be friends without any drama.

On the other, hand, did they break up just last month? Did they break up because of you?

If it's only been a few weeks and your boyfriend is already talking to his ex, this might be something that you'll want to calmly address with him.

Your Strategy When He Talks to His Ex

Have you ever discovered that your boyfriend was still talking to his ex? What did you do?

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4) Spend Some Time Alone

Even if you find information that you don't like while probing your boyfriend about the situation, take some time to go off by yourself and think about what's going on. Before you react, reflect on what your rational response should be.

Remember that if you just allow yourself to react on an irrational insecurity, that you may do irreparable damage to your relationship. You might unwittingly send the message to your boyfriend that you don't trust him. Think carefully about what you've learned.

Obviously, if you've discovered that your boyfriend is sending naked pictures to his ex or something like that, there's less to think about. In unambiguous situations like those, you might just want to kick the guy to the curb.

Spend some time alone to think about things.
Spend some time alone to think about things.

5) Ask to Meet His Ex

If his ex really is just a friend, your boyfriend should have no problem introducing you. Sure, it's normal for him to perhaps feel a bit awkward bringing a current and past flame together, but it should be doable.

However, if he is still seeing his ex in secret, he'll probably feel too guilty to introduce you or allow you to hang out together. He'll probably be nervous that you'll figure out his two-timing ways.

If you do meet his ex, pay attention to how she (or he) acts. Does she seem nervous around you? Does she give you smug looks? Is she really touchy-feely with your boyfriend? If so, then you might have a problem. Even if there's nothing between them, she may be trying to rekindle something.

After meeting his ex, if you can tell that she definitely still carries a torch for him, advise your boyfriend of this. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of his talking to someone who clearly still wants him, don't be afraid to let him know.

Should You Forbid Him From Talking to His Ex?

At the end of the day, you can't forbid anyone of anything. There really are two possible situations here:

  1. He is still talking with his ex and there is no possibility that they will rekindle their relationship.
  2. He is still talking to his ex, and it's possible they may get back together.

Either way, he is the one who ultimately has control over this. The only thing you can control is whether you tolerate it or not. If you try to forbid him from talking to his ex, whether it is justified or you are just acting out of insecurity, you are fighting a losing battle. What's the point of a relationship if you can't trust your partner to make the right decision on their own, after all?

What to Do If Your Boyfriend Was Talking to His Ex in Secret

Did your boyfriend actively keep the fact that he was contacting his ex a secret from you? Did he lie when you asked him about it, but then you found out later that they were still talking?

Dump him, then. He was looking to cheat. There's no reason for someone to keep that kind of thing a secret unless they're planning to do something they're not "supposed" to do.

Sure, maybe he was just afraid that you would be mad or something, but that still begs the question of why he would rather avoid your anger than be honest with you. This points to some messed up priorities.

Trust is a foundational aspect of any successful relationship, and if you can't trust your own boyfriend, then maybe you're better off sending him back to his ex.

The Ex Factor

Do you think it's acceptable for someone to still talk to their ex when in a new relationship?

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© 2017 Jorge Vamos


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    • profile image

      mark leo 7 days ago


    • profile image

      Kyleee 2 weeks ago

      I felt fishy about my boyfriend so I looked through his phone. I went through his photos and I saw a screenshot of him talking to his ex. When I confronted him he said her sister committed suicide around this time of year and I was talking to her about it because I didn’t want to be the reason she killed herself. What should I do in that situation? Should I have been okay with it? He also tells me anytime something with my ex comes up squash it or any guy

    • profile image

      kabwe constance 3 weeks ago

      its not good to be communicating with your ex

    • profile image

      Hurt 4 weeks ago

      I caught my boyfriend hiding the fact that he still talks to his ex. Usually id be okay with that but he had her saved as dave on snapchat and would message her all the time right in front of my face. When i caught him he lied about it and said it was daves girlfriend. But once i got more proof he just laughed at me and later admitted to it. Hes also deleted messages from other girls in the past. I feel like im stupid for still believing that hes loyal

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      Amy 6 weeks ago

      The paSt is the past and it should be left there. I told my bf to stop talking to her and he didn’t. Thats called disrespect and clearly isn’t over her even though SHE left him over a year ago. Then she tries to contact him ? No. Im in your life now. Im sorry you feel the need to ask her things I don’t have the answer to.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 4 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      LOL...Oh, Jorge, I love this question. I'll respond by sharing a little story.

      I went on a first date for dinner with a man I had only known a short time. From the moment we ordered dinner, he began a conversation about his "Ex"~ just out of the blue, unsolicited & almost as if he thought he was sitting across from his therapist. He spoke almost non-stop while I politely listened. Our food came and he was now into all the "talents" she had, awards she won, things they did, places they went.........Are you nauseous yet?? Frankly, I had reached the point of disbelief.....the thoughts going through my head were on the order of...."This guy has to be smoking crack...what the HELL is he thinking?!"

      At a certain point, he still chatted away about "lovely Lydia".....I cleared my throat and said, "Excuse me for a moment, please?" I picked up my purse, smiled ever so sweetly, got up, headed straight for the exit and went to my car.........I couldn't have thought of anything to say to him, so why would I bother? Never heard from him again, thankfully. HE probably thought I WAS THE RUDE ONE!!! LOL A$$hole that he was!!

    • Alphadogg16 profile image

      Kevin W 7 months ago from Texas

      In my opinion or my "boundaries" as dashingscorpio so eloquently put it.....If there are not children involved, meaning children they share together.....There is absolutely no reason to contact/talk to your ex.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 7 months ago

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      Each of us has our own mate selection process/must haves list.

      Each of us has our own "boundaries" and "deal breakers".

      On so many levels it's arrogant to enter into someone's life and expect them to "change" for (you) or drop their friends.

      If you don't believe in having exes as friends he's not for (you).

      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

      That means a person who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship that you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.

      Compatibility trumps compromise.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      The (choice) is up to us! Choose wisely!

      "At the end of the day, you can't forbid anyone of anything."

      - Very true!

    • Hippie2000 profile image

      Hippie Untiet 7 months ago from Wisconsin

      I had to keep in contact with ex because of children. Does that count