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Is He Really Clueless To Why Things Ended?

Updated on February 20, 2017
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

There is only so much a woman can take before she finally has to call it quits...

I find it hilarious when a man shuts down, will stop being consistent in his original actions, does not call or text as much, and slacks in making quality time/dates with us, but then can't understand why we get upset and emotionally pull away. Seriously?!

Then, instead of working hard to fix things—when he knows we are unhappy—the quality time and date nights become obsolete and he is less (or not at all) supportive in our lives when we need him. Great. Even with all of his lack of actions to make us feel emotionally secure, he will still think that we want to be in a relationship with him and will turn around and act surprised when we finally end things. Are you kidding me?

Ladies, why do we forget that the right guy for us will always work hard to keep us in his life? He won't just tell us like a broken record that he loves us, he will work hard to show us with his meaningful actions.

A guy who truly cares and loves us won't wait until we are frustrated, concerned, upset or mad before putting in the effort to try and make us feel special and appreciated. He will consistently display how he feels so that we don't get discouraged with him. A guy who wants us in his life for "happily-ever-after" will make us feel special, appreciated and valued every day (or almost on an everyday basis).

Love shouldn't be some big guessing game—wondering or questioning if a guy is with you for all the right reasons. No woman enjoys putting her feelings—let alone her heart—on the line to find out later that the guy she wants to be with doesn't feel the same way. Or, is not emotionally available. Or, isn't actually capable of being the man he first represented himself to be—causing him to emotionally disconnect.

When a woman starts to feel disconnected with a man, before ending the relationship she will usually try to communicate—multiple times—how she is feeling. Sometimes, trying to discuss his obvious lack of actions that he is now displaying (and possibly has been for a while) will start to feel tiresome, especially when there is no change.

Men, your actions don't surprise us—we're not idiots—however they are truly annoying....

Why should we have to explain over and over to a man who claims he loves us, all the things he knows that he is doing to push us away? I say this because we all know when we are upset and have shut down emotionally. Maybe at first we don't know exactly why, but let's keep it real, usually we do. The difference between most men and women is that men decide not to communicate, but will fully express how they feel through their actions.

It's interesting how some men will boldly state that they are not imbeciles when you ask them to do something—a chore, a task or errand—however this same type of man will act like they have no idea why you have emotionally pulled away after they have clearly put up emotional walls themselves. Hmm...

Actions beget actions. If a guy doesn't feel the need to make us important in his life then why should we continue to make him important in our life?

One guy who I dated was of course wonderful in the beginning stages of our relationship. Basically, like all guys tend to be, in order to acquire a woman's affection in his favor.

This guy was a great listener, asked the right questions, was very attentive, supportive, thoughtful and considerate. We were compatible—I thought—until his "representative"—the guy he displays for my benefit (in order for me to like him)—started to disappear and the truer version of himself appeared.

As we continued to date, his romantic gestures changed from being consistent to only occurring when he knew that I was upset with him...

It still surprises me that men don't seem to realize that when they start off by putting in extensive energy, time and thought into wooing us and then they stop or decide to not try as hard, clearly there is something wrong. His actions therefor will cause us to feel emotionally disconnected.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the way a guy romances us in the beginning should be exactly the same a year later, however it should not be a complete one-eighty—a slight change is one thing, a complete change shows he doesn't care.

No woman enjoys feeling important and valued, and then weeks, months, or years later—disposable or unworthy of a man's efforts. Yikes!

This guy went from making me feel extremely important in his life to making me feel like everyone and everything was more important than me. His ex-wife came first, his job came first, his career came first, his issues came first (and he had a lot), his family came first and his pet came first. Clearly, he was letting me know that I was not a priority without ever saying it. He was even more concerned about his ex-wife's feeling then mine.

Since I am a communicator I would express my concerns and he would act like I was imagining what I was feeling and the distance he was creating. Our relationship left me emotionally insecure. Instead of lying to myself that things were still great, I chose to end things.

Why would I want to be with a guy who all of a sudden can't seem to make me important or a priority in his life?—actions speak way louder than words and his actions were below subpar and frankly disappointing.

This guy went from planning time to see me, finding the perfect bouquet of flowers, and designing the perfect dates as well as working hard to keep our relationship important and special—to becoming the man that I couldn't justify dating anymore. Or, maybe this was his real self that that I was too blind to see.

He changed (rather quickly) how he originally presented himself to me to be, and revealed this other—not so appealing side. He became a guy who was tired, busy and stressed most of the time. He lessened his date planning as well as scheduling time in advance to see me. When he had weekends free I was not a priority—he would make plans doing other things before asking if I was free. And, all of this showed in his lack of romantic gestures—the flowers and gifts he periodically gave, felt like he was giving them to get recognition, but lacked any true effort.

Since communication started to become a project, so did our relationship.

Instead of maturely discussing things with me that upset him, he would internalize his emotions until he would explode—not taking responsibility for his own actions. He would not communicate and instead would pull away and become distant to the point that I ended things.

When I ended the relationship this guy "acted" perplexed, telling me he knew that this was going to happen but didn't understand why. Really?! What did he expect?? I am not a doormat nor will I tolerate being treated as one. He didn't value me when he had me so it was time to move on.

Choosing to end a relationship with a man is usually never done with a grain of salt. I think about things with a clear head and try to stay out of my emotions as best as I can, but sometimes this method is not always easy. Especially, when a guy is unquestionably (whether he wants to admit it) giving me an opportunity to end things.

Ladies, a guy who plays clueless when you end a relationship with him is a guy who was not truly present to begin with. You are the prize and a guy who sees this will not let you or your relationship slip between his fingers. He will not only be cognizant, he will move heaven and earth to keep you.

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    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 9 months ago from Denver

      Agree!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 9 months ago

      Very true!

      Communication is the GPS for relationships. It lets you know where the relationship is headed or even if you want to go in the same direction.

      Compatibility trumps compromise!

      There are lots of women who attempt to "change water into wine"! :)

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
      Author

      Stephanie Bailey 9 months ago from Denver

      Thank you for reading dashingscoripo ...I 100% agree with your points! I truly believe that it is important to "find someone who (naturally) loves you (the way you) want."versus "teach/train people in how (you) want to be loved and dealt with."

      Communicating your needs and being open to compromise is important in all relationships, however, not in order to change someone or to be changed into someone you are clearly not. Women are guilty of this due to being desperate to find and hang on to love before their "eggs dry up" or becoming an "old maid"---that they end up hanging onto the wrong guy in hopes to change him. This not only ends up being a dissapointmmet but usually a failed relationship waiting to happen.

      Just one woman's view ;)

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 9 months ago

      "A guy who truly cares and loves us won't wait until we are frustrated, concerned, upset or mad before putting in the effort to try and make us feel special and appreciated." - Excellent point!

      What I've come to realize is there is no "one size fits all" definition for love or expressing love. Essentially each of us has our idea of what love is suppose to "look like", "feel like", and how people "in love" should behave. If someone doesn't love us (the way we want) then we don't (feel) loved. And it really doesn't matter how they may feel about us!

      The goal really is to find someone who expresses love (the way we want)!

      A few years back I did an interview with a radio host who told me early on he would ask his date: "How do (you) know when you are loved?"

      Based upon their response he'd have an idea of he was the "right" man.

      There are basically two approaches to dating.

      1. Teach/train people in how (you) want to be loved and dealt with.

      2. Find someone who (naturally) loves you (the way you) want.

      Sad but true most people go with option #1. Either they lack the patience to find a #2 or they don't believe it's possible.

      Having said that both genders are guilty of bending over backwards to impress the object of their affection during the "infatuation phase" of new relationships. We treat (the new) better than the "tried and true".

      Unfortunately you don't get to see their "authentic self" until after the first major disagreement/argument or reaction to disappointment.

      It's one of the reasons why I caution people not to believe they've found their "soul-mate" until after you've found out each others flaws, boundaries, and "deal breakers". Only then will you know if you're truly compatible!