How to Deal With Your Girlfriend's or Boyfriend's Ex: Dealing With Jealousy, Confrontation and Insecurity

Updated on December 29, 2016

Having problems dealing with your jealousy over your girlfriend's ex-boyfriend? Worried about your boyfriend still talking to his crazy ex-girlfriend? Feeling insecure about your wife's handsome and rich ex-husband? Do you think that you are not as pretty as your husband's ex? Stop ruining your relationship by worrying about your partner's past and relationship history. Learn how to deal with your partner's ex with self-control, conscious behavior, letting go, trust and some maturity.

Conversations about exes should be quick and factual. Trust what your partner has to say and move on.
Conversations about exes should be quick and factual. Trust what your partner has to say and move on. | Source

1) Develop trust: Don't let your fragile feelings turn into suspicion

Jealousy for your girlfriend's or boyfriend's ex can easily turn into suspicion and doubt if emotions are not kept in check. Asking too many questions will naturally irritate your ex, who will eventually stop feeling obliged to put up with your interrogation. This will make you feel that he or she is hiding something from you.

Dealing with the topic of exes is a sensitive issue. The trick to deal with it without letting it get in the way between yourself and your partner is to keep the conversations precise, factual and less frequent. Trust your partner, talk about exact specific issues and don't talk about them very frequently.

2) Don't excuse yourself if you both bump into your partner's ex

Never excuse yourself if you and your partner are together and you bump into his or her ex. It will be a clear indicator of your fear or insecurity of the ex. Just go about on your way as a couple if you are unsure how to behave or act in this awkward situation.

3) Don't get aggressive instantly if your partner's ex tries to come back in his or her life

There can be many reasons for your partner's ex coming back into their lives. Your partner could be working with an ex, be in the same class in school or even be a neighbor.

Aggression should ideally not be the first reaction when your partner talks about the presence of an ex in his or her life. Control your anger and get a grip over your emotions. Sit back and let time play its tricks so that you can observe how the situation unfolds.

4) Stand your ground if the ex refuses to back away

You acted like a mature person when you decided to be calm about dealing with your girlfriend's or boyfriend's ex. But that does not mean that you show weakness and allow the ex to have his or her way.

Try to have a levelheaded conversation with your partner's ex if you sense that the situation is escalating. Stand your ground if he or she refuses to back away.

Don't approve of your man talking to his ex? Make a decision and take a stand - ask your partner to sort out his priorities and make a choice.
Don't approve of your man talking to his ex? Make a decision and take a stand - ask your partner to sort out his priorities and make a choice.

5) Make a decision about your girlfriend or boyfriend still talking to the ex

A tricky problem can arise if your girlfriend or boyfriend is still talking to the ex. He or she may claim that their relationship is a totally platonic friendship and they just keep in touch because they are now good friends.

You risk the chance of coming of as an obsessive person if you keep nagging your partner about their conversations with their ex. To bring a final end to this mess, you must decide on your comfort levels with the whole situation.

If you are okay with your partner talking to his or her ex, then stop being a complete jerk and don't pester your partner again and again over it. If you are not okay with it and fairly so, make a stand and ask your partner to choose between keeping a relationship with you and keeping a friendship with an ex.

6) Don't ask your partner for details about physical intimacy with their ex

As a rule of thumb while dealing with your partner's ex, never ask for too many details on the type of sexual relationship they had. It is acceptable for you to know whether your girlfriend or boyfriend had sex with their ex, but knowing the details of physical intimacy is a one way street to hell.

If your partner does not answer your questions in detail, you will feel that he or she is hiding something. If your partner does divulge details of past sexual encounters, his or her words will keep ringing painfully in your head and cause you a headache you will never be able to get rid of.

7) Never ask your partner to compare you with his or her ex

Am I a better kisser than him? Do I look prettier than your ex-girlfriend? Am I better in bed than your ex-husband? There is never a right answer to questions like these. Your partner will be put in a fix and even if he or she genuinely says that you are better, it will be hard for you to take it on face value.

A conversation like this can also take a very ugly turn if your partner decides to turn the tables on you by asking the same questions that you asked him or her. Protect the sanity of your relationship by promising yourself that you will never get into any type of comparisons with either of your exes.

8) Don't try to avoid your girlfriend's or boyfriend's ex individually

Just behave naturally and do your thing if you are alone and you happen to bump into your girlfriend's or boyfriend's ex. There is no need to feel nervous or try to find your way out of the situation.

Stop assuming that there will always be a confrontation between you and your partner's ex. It is possible that the ex may be feeling the same amount of awkwardness as you do.

Get over your jealousy for your partner's ex by removing your insecurities from the root. Get up and do something, whether it is working out and getting back in shape or working hard to further your career.
Get over your jealousy for your partner's ex by removing your insecurities from the root. Get up and do something, whether it is working out and getting back in shape or working hard to further your career.

9) Address your own insecurities with success

Your girlfriend or boyfriend can tell you that you are a terrific person, but you will only be able to get over your jealousy for your partner's ex if you feel that you are a better person yourself. The only way to do this is to actually be a better person by getting off the couch and doing something.

Read some inspirational workout quotes, go to the gym and shed some calories if you are insecure about your size and shape as compared to your boyfriend's pretty ex. Get some extra skills and further your own career if your are insecure about your girlfriend's ex who is rich and successful in his profession. People can praise you all they want but the only way to put your own insecurities to rest is to feel better from within and by being successful.

10) Accept your partner's relationship history as something you can't change

You will continue to fuel the jealousy and emotional turmoil within yourself if you keep thinking about your partner's relationship history. The only thing that will douse this burning fire is acceptance that there is nothing you will be able to do to change what your boyfriend or girlfriend has done in the past.

The future of your relationship depends on whether you are willing to let go of your insecurity and jealousy for your partner's ex. It also depends on whether your partner is willing to be equally supportive. Join hands, enjoy each others' company and cherish the present rather than worry about the past.

Questions & Answers

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      • profile image

        mhiiz tife ilesanmi 

        14 months ago

        i really love dis, buh i dnt think i can cope

      • profile image

        Julie Davis 

        17 months ago

        my boyfriend ex keeps asking me what his he doing all the time. when I ask him to tel her to back off he tells me to instead. I really don't know what to do anymore.

      • DDE profile image

        Devika Primić 

        5 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

        Exs are difficult to cope with especially if you have moved on interesting and thought provoking.

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