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How to Mend a Broken Heart After Being Dumped


Love is love and losing it hurts! Like a whirlpool spinning recklessly just out of reach, the loss sucks every emotion, every question, and every thought you have into its swirl. It knocks you off your feet and makes your head spin. The ache in your chest throbs so intensely you worry if it will explode. It won't.

As sure as the whirlpool dissipates, in time, so will your pain. The dam ruptures. Your tears flow. And, they flow. And, they flow. And, they flow - until they carry you back to a place where you can regain your footing. Your emotions, questions, and thoughts unravel enabling you to examine your feelings, investigate what went wrong, and plan for a love that lasts.

Preparing to Let Go of the Pain

The attack on your thoughts and emotions has probably left you feeling drained and beaten. Breathe. Take a day to just relax. Soak in a warm bath or ask a trusted friend or family member to come over and give you a massage. Play some soothing music. Find things to do to keep your mind off your current situation. Watch a comedy, do a crossword puzzle, or play a video game. Before you go to bed, make plans to wake up early, turn on some upbeat music, and dance or exercise for at least 15 minutes.

After you complete your daily responsibilities, write down some ideas of what you might do to fill the extra time you have on your hands. For example, you could join a bowling league, or volunteer at a hospital or animal shelter. You could take a college course, join a gym, or learn self-defense techniques. Even though you may feel like the world came crashing down, it didn't. It's still spinning. Choose to hop back on and make it a great ride. You have the power to do that. Why not use it?

Examine Your Feelings

Your heart is broken but that doesn't necessarily mean that what you feel is true love. Is it possible that you are infatuated? Chances are that if your relationship lasted less than 6 months, more likely than not, you are infatuated. Of course, that doesn't make your pain hurt any less but determining this may help you move along quicker. People, often, display their best characteristics when they begin dating somebody; however, over time, less desirable traits sometimes surface. In addition, it usually takes a fair amount of time for issues or discussions to arise that help you understand each others values and morals.

Some people, hungry to feel loved, neglect to consider whether or not they share common beliefs and interests with their partner. Take a moment to ask yourself how well you knew him or her. Did you love the way you felt about yourself when you were together? Were you both able to grow and thrive as individuals as well as a couple? If you determine that you are, in fact, infatuated, smile, you will be feeling much better quicker than you think. However, if you determine that you have lost your true love, more effort, time, and reflection may be needed before you feel whole again but you will feel whole again.

Investigate What Went Wrong

Relationships that stand the test of time often consist of a combination of some or all of the following qualities:

  • Mutual respect of each other's individuality
  • Being considerate to each other's wants, needs, and feelings
  • Listen attentively when spoken to and show it through response or action
  • A common belief or devotion to a deity such as God
  • The desire and ability to make each other laugh regularly
  • A mutual outlook on what to put into the world and what to take from it
  • Doing little things daily and big things occasionally that display love and affection

If you don't know exactly what went wrong, you could look at each of the qualities listed above to figure out if specific aspects of behavior on your part or your partners defied, in whole or in part, any aspect of it. You could also use the list above to strengthen your bond should your break-up be temporary or as a guide for things you might want in a future relationship. Some couples are like two magnets forced to connect against the laws of nature. When the forces holding them together weakens, they split.

Chemistry, often, serves as a weakening force. When people are drawn together through chemistry, they may overlook their long-term relationship goals and allow instant gratification to sustain them. As a result, a break-up, often, occurs. In order to avoid a pattern of one break-up after the other, it's important to take a good, hard look at what you want in a relationship and what went wrong in your past relationships, as well as, devise some guidelines to lead you in the direction of a love that will last forever.

Plan for Lasting Love

Reflect on the characteristics couples you admire have exhibited. Perhaps, your Mom always adjusted your Dad's tie in the morning; and, your Dad always walked up behind your Mom and wrapped his arms around her. Feeling the affection of your spouse may be top on your list. Stop and think about the things you observe in others that makes you feel good inside. You may feel a rush of warmth when you witness a stranger pick up an article that somebody unknowingly dropped and return it to them.

Demonstrating consideration for yourself and others may not be something you are willing to live without. When you tap into the things you value the most, you can, purposefully, look for those attributes in a potential mate. People are not perfect. Many will not be able to ting all your boxes; but, having those boxes and figuring out what things you could compromise on and what things you absolutely expect may help you avoid unnecessary heartbreak somewhere down the road.

Questions & Answers

Question: I am always feeling down after my boyfriend dumped me. What should I do to let it go?

Answer: What I would do is sit down with a pen and a pad of paper and write down what things I want out of life other than an intimate relationship. I would set a time limit to when I would even consider starting an intimate relationship with anyone such as "not for six months" or "not for one year." I would let myself get excited about putting things in motion toward doing the other things I want to do with my life. I may get lonely at times, but I'd try to focus on becoming a stronger me, and I would spend some time with friends or family to ease the loneliness. If in the meantime, I became attracted to someone else or if my ex-boyfriend wanted to get back with me, I would stand firm in my plans and let those people know that maybe in six months or one year, I would consider a relationship, but not at this time. If they are worth my time, they will be back or waiting after my timeframe, if they are not worth my time, they won't be. Either way, I have learned how to have an interesting life outside of an intimate relationship, and I'm better prepared to handle any future breakups because when I do start up a relationship, I keep sight of who I am as an individual and what goals I'm working on for me. Hope this helps. Sending hugs to you.


H Lax (author) on February 06, 2017:

Thanks for reading and commenting dashingscorpio. Wow...you give great advice! I think you have the start to your own article. :) I can absolutely relate to your entire response.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on February 06, 2017:

Great advice.

(As you noted in your comment: Don't be a passenger in your own life.)

Put things in perspective and get a "reality check".

From my own observations I'd probably add the following as tips for getting past a heartache. The first step is to actually accept it's over!

In order to "move on" one must be willing to "let go".

Most people initially Do Not WANT to Let Go!

You can't get to second base if you insist on keeping one foot on first base. Put away reminders of the relationship and cut off contact with your ex for at least 6 months to a year.

Allow yourself time to grieve among friends & family, get back to focusing on hobbies, personal goals and other things you may have neglected while in the relationship. Work-out, travel, spend time with friends.

Don't fall into the trap of believing you can go from being "red hot lovers" to "instant platonic friends" behaving like brother and sister. Whenever someone dumps another and offers "friendship" as a "consolation prize" they do so in order to not feel like the "bad guy".

Sometimes the person being dumped grabs the olive branch secretly hoping they can reconcile by staying close. However many times what happens is the couple has sex again and while the hurt person sees it as a sign they're getting back together the other one considers it a "booty call" or "friends with benefit scenario. Now she or he is hurt again!

In order for your (ex) to have been "the one" they would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually WANTS to be with you! (And vice versa).

Thankfully we live on a planet with (7 Billion) other people!

Closure is overrated!

Your ex is the last person who could help you get over them!

There is nothing your ex could say or do that would make you feel good about having your heart broken!

Anything your ex could say about your personality, habits, or whatever that caused them to walk away could be the very same things that causes another person to fall {madly in love} with you!

H Lax (author) on February 05, 2017:

Thanks for reading and commenting, creativegirl. That is amazing that you have been thinking about this and it popped up so quickly for you to read as I just published it. I, too, have been thinking about this a lot while reflecting on the mistakes I have made and the heartbreak I have suffered due to letting life happen to me instead of getting involved in the direction my life goes.

creativegirl909 on February 05, 2017:

I believe this once someone said to me always know what you both want in life and it matches. Either one can be married to jump next step and the other may never be. I don't know but this been on my mind alot then i see this pop up on here lol.. wow

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