I love writing about relationships and helping my readers navigate all their ups and downs.
I once received an e-mail saying, "I love my son and my ex, so I've been wondering how to get my baby father back. I want to be a family. Any advice?"
It can feel like a heart-wrenching situation to have your child with you, but not have his father's love. If your goal is to learn how to get your baby father back, read on.
Let Him See What a Good Mother You Are
- Hold your baby in your lap or next to you and dote on him. The visual of you two happily together will put an image of harmony in your ex's mind -- perhaps an image he would like to be closer to.
- Don't bring people of questionable character around your child. Your baby daddy will not like knowing that men who are just after you for sex or who have a criminal record are in the same house with your baby.
- Feed your child healthy food. When a dad sees that you are fulfilling a traditional womanly role of nurturing your child with home-cooked food, he will assess that you are serious about parenting. And that maybe you might have some good food for him too!
Keep Him Away from Other Women so You Can Work Your Magic
- It is easier to get your baby father back if there isn't another woman in his life. And if there isn't, ask him if he'd like to spend some time with his son or daughter. Slowly increase the amount of time of visits so that he becomes more preoccupied with fatherhood. In the meantime, flirt with him a little, keep the mood light, and see where it goes.
No woman wants another female moving in on a guy she wants. If he just met a woman, you can make your and your child's presence known to her so that she is immediately aware she isn't his first priority. Don't be rude to the woman, but perhaps bring up doctor's appointments, diaper changing, or crying and screaming your baby does—the not-so-fun parts of having a child in your life.
Often, women will be turned off once they realize a new guy already has a serious adult commitment. You wouldn't be saying anything false. After all, you'd want to make sure anyone around your child would be able to handle the truths about being around a baby. As an added bonus, you might scare her off without appearing witchy.
Make Sure You Two Still Have a Chance Together
- Is there a little spark still there? Do you both feel chemistry with one another? Attraction fuels couplehood. It's easier to get your baby father back if he is attracted to you physically, even though it might not be politically correct to say so.
- Do you still like one another? Being agreeable is very important in a long-term relationship. Traits like kindness, being a good listener, and preventing an argument from going too far helps keep people on a good page with each other.
- This can be hard to do. Women naturally want their child's father living in the same house with them, ideally married, because women are nesters. When your life reflects the disharmony of a fatherless home, it causes stress and can make you do things you otherwise would not.
- If you are this type, When you find that your stress might hamper how you treat others, simply remember that it's easier to attract bees with honey than with vinegar. Being unpleasant will simply bring you back unpleasantries.
Make Sure He Is a Good Man
- Does he deserve you? Is he respectful to people? Is he work-oriented? Those are all necessary.
- Is he a drug user or dealer, abuser of women, a womanizer, or a cheater? Does he call himself a player? Those are signs of a man you don't need, no matter strongly you feel the chemistry is between you. And a man who doesn't have ingrained morals and ethics will never want to be a reliable family man.
Questions & Answers
Question: My baby's father does not seem to love me anymore, but I still love him. How can I show that to him?
Answer: If a man does not love you anymore, then you do not want to express love to him, because it would be one-sided and unrewarding for you. However, being decent and respectful goes a long way. If he is kind to you, be kind back. That's the easiest way to make a person feel good around you and want to be around you. If he is not nice to you, then don't go out of your way to be nice to him. Just be neutral in your tone and establish an expectation of respect if this is the case.
Question: My child's father decided to move on without me. I still want to be with him and work things out. He says he will still be here for me and he still loves me and that maybe in the future we could work things out, but right now he’s not willing to take the chance of me hurting him again. My family thinks I shouldn’t be with him for numerous reasons, but I still love him and want our family back. What should I do? How can I get him back? I want him to see that I’m willing to work through our differences.
Answer: I think you should let him have the space he wants and not bring up the issue of being together. When the pressure is off, he might decide he wants to get back together.
Question: My son's father and I were together for ten years. He is now living with the woman he cheated on me with when I was pregnant with our second child. He has moved on, but we still occasionally have sex. He says he loves me still and I love him, even though he moved on. It hurts so bad to see him do family things with his new girlfriend and our kids. How can I get over him because I know he can't be faithful to anyone?
Answer: It is tough to go through loving someone when they pull at your heartstrings, hurt you, yet it is hard to stop the cycle. We all have a need for physical and emotional intimacy, however, in this case it would be best to stop sleeping with him. It will just keep you connected to him on a deeper level and keep you in an emotionally unhealthy spot.
If you cut the physical relationship, you will not be giving more to him than you are getting back. I think it will hurt you less. In the meantime try to focus on something that is exciting that you can look forward to that has nothing to do with him. For example, do you want to take a vacation somewhere? Do you want to change your look? Do you want to learn new things? It might sound funny, but being excited about something you always wanted to try and carrying it out will give you a dose of happiness and a new outlook that will be good for your well-being. You can involve your child as well in your new interest.
Romantic relationships are only one aspect of life. When they aren't going the right way, it is always good to look for another aspect of life that can bring you joy.
Question: My baby daddy wants to be broken up with me, saying this is not the relationship he wants to be in after numerous arguments. He said he has been miserable and wants out. I felt he wasn't there as much as I needed him to be and have always been insecure when he is away from me. It's now been a week since he broke up with me. He texted me on Saturday checking up. Is there a way to find out if the breakup is final? Or maybe a way of fixing my relationship?
Answer: I hate to hear what you're going through but my advice is to just keep your communication with him short, polite, and business-like. I wouldn't even suggest staying in any kind of contact at all if you didn't have a child together already. Don't let him know how much you miss him. Don't be romantic, seductive, or flirty. If he wants to be broken up, he doesn't deserve any of that kind of attention from you. However, if he wants to come back due to you giving him that space and drama-free communication, both of you need to set your relationship boundaries beforehand to see if you will truly be compatible again.
Question: I broke up with the father to my child. However, after some time, I developed feelings for him again. He also seemed to have some feelings, and the connection is still there, but sometimes it seems to change on his side. Deep inside, I can tell he still feels something. But I don't understand why he sometimes acts like he does not. How can I be certain that he still feels something?
Answer: He might have mixed feelings. The best thing you can do is just be relaxed around him with no pressure. You can make flirtatious or sensual eye contact, however. This way you are not putting any kind of verbal pressure on him. The eye contact might cause him to take some kind of action, though it just might be intimacy, since men sometimes react strongly to eye contact. Otherwise, being relaxed and kind around him will be a gentle reminder that you're a good woman, and that might help too.
Question: My baby's father broke up with me because of my anger issue. I still love him. He comes around once in a while to see his daughter and sometimes tries to be intimate with me. He calls to know how we are doing, sends money. Can we ever get back together? He tries advising me to get hooked up with someone.
Answer: If he is telling you to be with someone else it sounds like he is not interested romantically anymore.
Question: The father of my child and I broke up a year or so back. it was because of another woman. He is a great dad, we communicate about our child well, and have arguments here and there that can't be prevented but we always find ways to agree. I'm quite close to his family, his parents really like me and we get along quite well. Our daughter stays with them and I occasionally visit her at their place for a weekend or so. Should I move on?
Answer: The situation you describe sounds largely peaceful and that is important to maintain. If your ex is with another woman it is usually best to not intervene, and best for you to move on. However, if you see a reasonable way to get back together with him you can always go for it.
Question: How do I act when my baby's daddy is visiting our child? I still want him back.
Answer: Be at least neutral with him. You can be friendly and lighthearted too. This helps lift any tension between you.
Question: I haven't been with my daughter's dad in about two years, but I still love him. We had some differences, but nothing we can't repair. I want him back but he is so stubborn and won't connect with me. I know he still has feelings for me. What do I do?
Answer: Try to think of what is at the root of why he won't connect with you. You then need to try to disarm him, so he feels comfortable around you again, starts to want you around, and then hopefully starts to need you. For example, just make him feel completely relaxed around you without pressure to reconnect. Treat him like you would treat a really good friend. There is no guarantee he will come back to you but being accepted and liked and treated nicely helps a person get back to a point where they don't fear what will happen when they are with you. After you get to a point where you are friends again, try some smiling and subtle flirtation (like eye contact). Eye contact tends to draw men in somewhat. See how it goes from there.
Question: How should I take it when my baby's father says he can have a baby with me anytime?
Answer: I am guessing you are wondering what his intentions are in saying this. Having a baby with a woman and having affection/love for a woman are still two different things. I would try to gauge what his true feelings are for you by seeing how he acts around you. Does he want to take you out? Does he talk about getting engaged? etc. Being physically intimate with someone takes minimal effort from a man. But is he willing to do more than this to be a man you would deserve?
Question: What does it mean when my baby daddy tells me he loves me, but can't see a relationship with me. Yet every time he's around, I can feel a connection. Is it a possibility that we could still work things out and be together, or should I just give up on it?
Answer: I'm just speculating here because I don't really know anything about your life. I think it means he loves you but he either feels because of the past he can't get along with you, another woman could have his heart right now, or perhaps he loves you but isn't "in love" with you. I have found that often we can feel a connection or a spark around others yet they might not feel it on their side. I would suggest continuing to be cordial with him, so he feels good around you, while still moving on with other things in your life that make you happy. A happy woman is a magnet and could draw him back in, or could draw someone else who likes you in. You deserve to be happy one way or another. My best wishes to you.
Question: I broke my baby's father's heart so bad and I just want me and him to be back together as a family. What should I do?
Answer: I feel for your anguish. If you have apologized to him and made your plea the rest will be up to him. In the meantime, when you do communicate be kind and easy to get along with. If you have past drama that you feel was his fault don't bring it up. Make his moments with you pleasant so at least he can feel relaxed in the present. He could still come back around.
Question: What moves can you take to get his attention?
Answer: Eye contact is a good idea. Also, if you don't already dress conservatively, business-like outfit, hair, and makeup makes a nice impression.
Question: My child's father said be wants to break up because he feels as if he never had to chase me. He's a nice guy but he just woke one day and said he doesn't want this anymore and he's been very cold. He loves coming around, however, to see his daughter but I usually get angry that he doesn't want to be with me. So I argue when he's around so he doesn't come around. What should I do? I want him back.
Answer: This would be a tough predicament when you care for someone. I feel as if this person is giving you a lame excuse for not wanting to be in a relationship. If he wants to still chase you, then you want to be unavailable to him. When you argue with him, in a way, it is emotionally "chasing" him, because it shows how much you care. People don't argue when they don't care for something/someone. So I would let him come around and see his child, but otherwise, show detachment to him. Don't be rude or overly nice, just neutral. Even if he does not come back to you it reduces your stress levels by lowering the volume of expressed anger.
If he wants to come back, resist him. Make it a challenge for him. Tell him the only way you would take him back is with marriage. Because the only way to legally protect yourself from some of the repercussions of being walked out on is with marriage. If it weren't for marriage, many more couples would walk away from each other for any number of reasons.
Question: My baby's father married another woman he knew for eight months. She has three kids. Now he wants me back, but we still haven't forgiven each other, and he came to see his daughter after six months apart. I don't know what to do. I love him. Should I fight for him?
Answer: No, don't fight for him. He made a decision and is married now. You don't want to bring all that drama into your life. He might want you back but if he doesn't get divorced then it is just a wish that he does not intend to act upon.
Question: I am pregnant and the father of the child is not claiming this child anymore, and I want him to be in the child's life. What can I do?
Answer: It sounds like you might need to get the system involved in case you need to prove DNA and get child support.
Question: The father of my child says our relationship was toxic and he lost all feelings for me. We still live with each other. He has moved on to a new girl. My chances of getting back with him are zero, but my feelings are strong! We still talk. We hang out as family for the kids. But we eventually will part. Is there still a way I can get him to fall back in love with me? Or look back at me and want to try again?
Answer: If indeed your relationship was toxic, can you identify any behaviors you had that contributed to this? I say this because we generally cannot change other people. But you can help change his current perspective of you by changing certain aspects of how you communicate with him. If you two had a lot of fights, try to just identify if you can proactively help prevent them. If nothing else you can start to have a more positive relationship. Get along with him but don't tell him you still want to be with him. A man that already wants to walk away will run if he thinks a woman is chasing him (not that you are). If he wants to see other people make sure you also close yourself off to him intimately. This way he's not having his cake and eating it too. He could still come back.
Question: My baby's father and I have a 3-month-old boy, and with two other baby mothers, I’m his third. We’ve had bad disagreements, but always made up. We had sex two weeks ago after a fight. I am drowning financially without help, and he knows. I want to move, but I see too much, and there’s no assistance; I’ll be lucky if I get $200 in child support. He says everything was a mistake. It's over for good, and he doesn’t love me because I argue, irrespective of him causing pain. Do you have any advice?
Answer: I'm sorry you are in such pain. If you need to live with him for financial reasons, you might need to do so on a roommate basis rather than on a romantic basis. This might lead you to feel less pain since you wouldn't be sleeping with him and giving of yourself this way. If his plate is already full with other women and children, chances are he is looking to just have peace at home because there is drama elsewhere.
It might be the reason he feels you are arguing over things when you feel you are being logical about your needs. It is very difficult to be with someone when you don't have their full attention or dedication.
You could suggest just being roommates to him and tell him you'll each have "space" this way without pressure. He may or may not like the idea, but perhaps this will give you more emotional ease in caring for your little one.
Question: My son's father and I broke up after four years. We have a twelve year history. Well, within two weeks of our break-up he has told people he is in love with a girl from his childhood. Turns out that didn't work out. She is with someone. Now he wants us to be friends with benefits, but is territorial if I talk to another man. What do all these things even mean?
Answer: I think he wants to have his cake but still gets an ego/is jealous when it comes to you and other men. Maybe it's friends with benefits for him, but as a female I think it that kind of relationship messes with your head AND heart. Just my two pennies. XOXO
Question: The father of my child has been living with me for 3 years. We broke up because he was talking to his ex. He said he needed space and time to see if he still loves me. It's five days since our break up and he is in a long-distance relationship with his ex. What can I do?
Answer: You will need to let him have his space. Don't act like you want him or need him. Just act neutral around him. If he texts you or calls you just answer minimally. People tend to want you more when you lack interest in them. In the meantime, if he doesn't want to come back to you, your neutral attitude will help you get used to moving on without him.
Question: My baby daddy and I have been off and on for 3.5 years (he always cheated). I took him back every time. Now we have a baby, and things started to get rocky again. I was suspicious and said some mean things to him and the next thing I know, he pursued her and is dating her. Then he said I love you in 2 weeks. He worked so much. It was so hard now that he gives her the attention that I needed. We could have worked it out. He comes to stay at my place to have sex. What should I do?
Answer: It is not clear by what you said, but if he is sleeping with someone else, it is not a good idea to sleep with this person because of the risk of STDs, as well as the risk of strong emotional attachment with someone who is not committed to you. It also sounds like he takes advantage of you this way because he knows you are available to sleep with him. If it were me, I would disengage from an intimate relationship with him and just be friends unless he marries you and remains monogamous. If you have a problem getting child support, then you would want to get the system involved. You deserve more than the relationship you're getting with him.
Question: How do I get my baby father back if it was a long distance relationship?
Answer: That can be tough. You can always try to maintain strong online and phone contact and see if you can build from there.
Question: My daughter's father and I broke up a year ago, and he moved on. We had an ugly break up. He thinks I cheated on him because of what a female said who is he now apparently dealing with, since this past summer or longer. We have been together for sixteen years, and this is the longest we have been broken up. Other people ruined my family, and I miss my child’s father so much. He is also involved in my daughter's life. I don’t know what to do, but I feel sad every day. What should I do from here?
Answer: Breaking up with someone you've been with for sixteen years would definitely feel like a big loss. You can make it clear you did not cheat on him in an email, text, or in-person. You do not have to get into it with his new girlfriend. That might just cause more stress for you. But if you found yourself saying horrible things or did anything particularly bad to him when you were together, you can also apologize for it, even if it doesn't lead to you two being back together. At least this will help you feel better.
Unfortunately, long-term couples and married people have ugly fights. It is a consequence of emotions being built up and being in close proximity to someone. If his heart is with someone else, there is not much you can do to change it. Be decent to him when he is around. Be easy to talk to. He will find it more pleasant to have you in his life in some fashion this way. You can also give yourself a mini makeover. This could help give you a boost and perhaps make his head turn when he sees you too.
Despite living in a fast-paced society, it is not odd to miss somebody's presence for many years. It hurts when we see someone we love with someone else. All hope might not be lost either.
Question: Baby daddy broke up with me because our relationship is not working out for him. I still want him back and I always start a conversation with him about the child. We talk nicely but I feel he keeps it short. Does it mean he is indeed over me and only enjoys co-parenting?
Answer: Yes, this could be the reason. A man's actions generally dictate what you can expect from him in the future. You can always be subtly flirtatious, making quiet, slightly prolonged eye contact with him. This way you aren't saying anything that he would verbally outright reject you for. If he is interested after eye contact you will know. In the meantime, I would remain friendly and communicative as you are already doing. I would not initiate a lengthier conversation if you feel he is going to keep it short.
Question: My daughter's father and I were together just for a few months before I got pregnant and he was absent all through the pregnancy and only showed up when Mabel turned 1. He seems to have changed a lot. He is very kind and supportive, and I have forgiven him and still love him, but he says he isn't ready for any relationship. What will you advise me to do? Should I move on or try to get him back?
Answer: I am glad the father is back in the child's life in a positive way. I would not, however, try to get him back because a man knows if he wants to be with someone, just as a woman knows. A man still wants to be the pursuer. It is ideal to just be cordial with him so that he continues to feel comfortable around you and the child. He could also still change his mind in the future.
Question: Where would I even start to get my daughters father back when he doesn't see or help with our daughter, and he's been cheating and playing games the entire time we have been together. Where do I even start? We can't even seem to get along for more than five minutes.
Answer: I am afraid this man tugs at your heartstrings but is not good for your soul. Could you plan to move forward without him?
Question: After the death of our best friend, my baby’s dad (my fiancé) up and left with no warning. I got constant "I love you" messages every day to nothing. He said he will always love me, but he can’t come home. He has no explanation for leaving. A family is what he always wanted. He’s started making small talk about our baby/money again. Does it seem like there will ever be a chance when he can’t even talk about coming home?
Answer: I am very sorry about your loss and your predicament. It was really touching to read. I don't know much about your situation. My guess is that your ex might be trying to get away from the closeness of death by escaping to a new situation. Or he could genuinely just not be interested in a family situation anymore. There could be a chance in the future when he matures, but for now just be scarce when he tries to message/text you. Let him miss you as much as possible. Just fulfill any legal obligations you both have to each other for now and let him go as if you are willing to see him happily set free. This sometimes draws people back as they begin to miss you.
As we get older a lot of people, begin to realize that drifting through life is usually an empty pursuit and they start to want family/their base again. This man needs to mature a lot, and hopefully make this decision. In the meantime try to enjoy your life in other ways. It is not fair for you to be hanging on by a thread. In my mind relationships are either on or off. In-between or unsure relationship statuses are just too stressful. Just my two cents! I hope this works out for you in the end!
Question: I was pregnant and lost the baby. So I am pregnant again. My baby's father has a child with someone else, but at his home they have never seen this child. So lately he spends much time with them and she even posted him holding the baby. The baby's mother doesn't know that he is expecting another child and that his family welcomed me. So I need to know what to do. Must I forget about him or must I bring him back to me and how?
Answer: At this point, you won't want to forget him at least in terms of child support. You would need to find out where his heart is as well. Is the father now involved with the other mother? This would complicate things. Since you are involved with the father's family you at least have this connection going for you. It sounds like he hasn't shut you out, so you still could have a chance. Just be a stable and calming source to him but don't let him take advantage of you. Find out where he stands before any future intimacy.
Question: I’ve been with my daughter's dad for nearly seven years, and am now pregnant with his second child. We’ve had drama over the months because of how he met up with a mutual friend of mine, and from there we both broke it off. We’ve slept with each other twice, and this was recent. Do you have any thoughts? Is it possible for us to get back together after the baby is born?
Answer: Yes, you can get back together if both of you wish to do so. Assess what both of you need out of the relationship, how to get it, and how to minimize outside distractions, ie., other people.
Question: My son's father and I broke up because I found out he was talking to someone else. At that time, he said I was too busy for him because I went back to school to help our family. We tried for a week but mutually ended it because we both weren’t ready. Well now I’m ready and he is not and is enjoying his freedom. What do I do?
Answer: It sounds like he gave you an excuse that sounded like it was your fault because he was interested in moving on. Give him all the space he needs. Don't initiate contact unless you need to for the child. If he misses you, he will be drawn to the lack of contact from you. For some reason, people become more attractive when they act uninterested. You could also try the "friends" approach where you maintain friendly contact with no pressure of sex or romantic relationship. He might be drawn back by the easygoing nature of your personality this way. In both cases, it can be difficult to wish one-sided for a relationship again. You could also move on and forget about him except where it is necessary to maintain contact. There are many approaches to take. Just do what is best for you and your baby. You deserve a good guy, and I wish you all the best.
Question: The father of my unborn child broke up with me 5 weeks ago because of my parents and my trust issues. He says he loves me and the baby but needs time alone. He still wants to talk to me every day, but it is hurting me to talk to him since I still love him. He doesn't want to argue anymore, but when I show I'm hurt he says harsh things to make things even worse because he's upset. Does he still want me? Do I give up or give him time? I want him back so badly.
Answer: I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time with the father. Before you can have a chance to get back together, it would be ideal to modify the communication style.
You said two key things in your statement that can help address this problem: "needs time alone" and "He doesn't want to argue anymore". This tells me he is finding more peace alone than with you, and he is trying to avoid arguments with you. But you can change this.
If you want him back, at the very least think in your mind about starting fresh again with him. Think about this before you see him again. Because it sounds like you two are stuck in attack or defense mode with each other. Let expectations go and be at ease with him, and you should see some improvements in your relationship with him, even if it is just at the friendship level. However, it could become romantic again if he starts to enjoy being around you again.
Question: My baby daddy does not seem to want me back because he told me he can't love me back. It usually doesn't work out for him. But I'm willing to change 10 times over just to get him back. I really love him. How can I do that?
Answer: Would you be changing "10 times over" because you know you've made a lot of serious mistakes? Or would you be changing aspects of yourself that are really just fine, just to please him? You need to be loved just like this man that you are willing to do so much for. As for your question, being cordial in conversation and decent to him is a great place to start. If someone tells you they can't love you the best option is to not make it obvious that you want to be with him. He is basically telling you that he is not available to you this way. But if you are pleasant to be around and talk to it is your best chance for togetherness in the future. I just want to add that you deserve happiness whether it is with or without this person.
Question: The father of my child states a part of him wants me and loves me and wants to marry me, but another part says different. He’s trying to work on himself but he’s adding and talking to other girls on social media. What can I do?
Answer: It sounds like he wants to eat cake right now rather than focus on responsibilities and the future. Since he is basically telling you he is not ready, close yourself off to him romantically until he makes a decision. Keep the pressure off of him for a relationship, but also don't sleep with him. This way he knows he either has family stability with you and the child, or he has an immature honey-chasing lifestyle.
Question: When I and the father of our child met, we hooked up from the get-go, and he was doing drugs. We stopped talking right around the time I found out I was pregnant. When we reconnected, he said he wasn't on drugs anymore, and he says he will do anything for the baby and me. He knows I want to be with him, but one minute he says he will do anything and the next he doesn't text or anything. I want us to be together as a family. Do you have any advice?
Answer: He might be telling you the things you want to hear because he is under pressure to make a good impression as a parent and potential partner when he talks to you. All I will say is what a man does pretty much tells you what his intentions are. He can tell you one thing but when it comes down to it, what does he do? Drugs might still be in his life as well. This could hinder him from making good decisions for you and the baby. If you don't get what you need from him as a father, please enlist the child support system. Because while you can't force a man to do the right thing, the law can. Maybe you aren't at the point you would need to do this. I'm not saying all hope is lost, but whatever you do, take his actions to be his intentions. It is difficult when someone tugs at your heartstrings and you are vulnerable to them.
Question: My baby’s father decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore because we were unhappy and he was fed up. I’m still in love with him and just can’t let go even though he’s told me to over and over for the past 4 weeks. He says he still loves me but doesn’t think we could be happy together. We still live together but he sleeps on the sofa. We get on still but I don’t want to just be friends. How do I get my former lover to love me back?
Answer: The good point is he is still living there and he says he still loves you. Often when people live together relationships come to a breaking point because they are together so much. So breaking it off seems like the only escape. Experiment with not speaking about your relationship or stressing him about anything at all if you can help it. If there is no other female involved you might see him getting more comfortable and closer with you again.
Question: I am currently 9 weeks pregnant and my baby's father doesn't like speaking with me. How can I fix that?
Answer: Do you know why he doesn't like speaking with you? Is it because you weren't close with him to begin with, tend to fight, is scared of having a child, or something else? If he has told you what the problem is in the past, you can try to change it. For example, if it is a matter of distaste due to fighting with you, find ways to prevent the fighting, if possible.
If there was no love there to begin with, then you will need to approach him in a business-like manner about his role in your pregnancy and fatherhood. Try to keep out any drama and have smooth conversations.
If you find he starts to become friendly or eases up, then you can approach him the same way. If he is non-cooperative about his responsibilities no matter what, you might need to utilize the legal system to get what you need for your child.
Question: My ex-partner and I both agreed to split after he attempted to cheat on me. We share 2 kids and expecting our 3rd soon. He also cheated on me 3 years ago and he fought for me to come back. I don't know why but I can't live without him. I love him so much and can't stop hurting regardless of how many people I surround myself with. It's been 1 week since and no communication due to his work. He comes back tomorrow and I have no idea how to go about this. What do I do?
Answer: You might need to remain on a friendly basis for the sake of your kids. It would be difficult to both love and not love this person because of your history together. There are cases of broken romances that people miss for the rest of their lives but more often people are able to move on eventually. I would be very careful in this instance because of the cheating issues. It would be best to not allow a romantic relationship to ensue but stay on good terms with him without fighting or drama when possible. If he does want to pursue you again I suggest not settling for less than marriage as well as a promise to never cheat again.
Question: My baby's father cheated on me immediately after I gave birth to my son. He wanted nothing to do with me but now he's so kind to me and calls all the time. What does it mean? I still love him but I don't want to show him. I try by all means to keep the distance between us. What should I do?
Answer: I think you are doing the right thing. I am not sure of his intentions but it could be he is acting this way because you are the mother of his child and he wants to be on good terms because of this. As long as he is doing good by you it is best to keep a cool demeanor around him that is not negative or nice, just neutral. This way he can fulfill his obligations as a dad without any negative emotions between you getting in the way. If he tries to connect with you on a relationship level again you will have to address his past indiscretions and watch what his actions say, not just what his lips say, and go from there.
Question: Me and my baby’s father have been broken up for two weeks. He was a jerk at the beginning and now he started checking up on me. I miss him and I'm starting to be a jerk to him. Do I continue that or stop?
Answer: People feed off of each other's emotions in relationships, so being a jerk is not a good idea, especially if you want this man in your life long-term. No one wants stress in their life, which it sounds like both of you are experiencing. Use a neutral tone when dealing with him, even when you're expressing disagreement or frustration, which should help him have a cooler head too.
Question: My baby daddy says he wants to work on things but only comes to me for sex. He works 3rd shift, 3 to 12, and has Sundays off. But he says Sunday he washes clothes at his mom's. Every other day at 12 he wants to come over, and we just automatically make love. Is what I've described a relationship?
Answer: Yes, it sounds like you have a physical relationship. If he wants to work on things with you it would be through making efforts in other areas besides sex.
Question: So my boyfriend does not want to be the dad of our baby girl, which is still inside of me. What should I do?
Answer: In this case, if my tips do not help you, you might consider using the legal system to at least get financial support.
Question: My baby's father left me after I gave birth. He was not able to see his son. He told me that we cannot be together and I should find someone who loves me. He deleted me in his contacts and I can't view his profile anymore. I found out from his friend that he is still waiting for his married ex to come back. He never tried to contact me or ask about our son. I still love him. What should I do?
Answer: That was a very tough situation you had to deal with after the birth. In my opinion, you should not try to be with this person because they have proven themselves to be unreliable both as a parent and as a romantic potential. He inferred that he does not have love for you and is perhaps in love with a married woman. You deserve a lot better than this. It is still ideal to seek financial support for your son if you are not receiving any currently.
Question: He says he doesn't love me and that since the breakup am a better person. He is talking to other women. I went on a date but cried because it wasn't my ex. What do I do? He still comes over to see the kids and is civil.
Answer: It is tough to have to see someone you care about that doesn't show you the same level of feelings. In this case as he told you how he feels somewhat bluntly, it would be best to put the prospects of being with him behind you. Just play it cool: fake it until you make it. As long as you have a civil relationship for your kids' sake, that is most important. Try occupying yourself with someone you are excited about, like a hobby or traveling, or going to see concerts, exercising, etc. Throw yourself into some fun things so your happiness is not wrapped up in him.
Question: My baby's father is listening to his mom. How can I stop that?
Answer: You won't be able to stop that as people are generally bonded to their parents pretty closely. If she is not a total snake consider trying to build a relationship with his mother slowly. This could help you in what she comes up with to say to him.
Question: I just found out I’m pregnant, and my future baby father wants to be a big part of raising the baby, but he started talking to his ex again before he found out. And before we stopped talking, I found out he got back with her, and that’s why I left him. I know he’s still attracted to me but he was with her for two years & he’s 18, so that’s his first love. I just want her gone so we can work on things. But am I wrong for not wanting her around my child at all?
Answer: No, you are not wrong at all. Most women want to set up house with the man they have a baby with, so it's just natural you feel like that. No one wants an extra female hanging around in this kind of situation. If you two are headed towards an exclusive relationship, just let him know you don't want her in your lives, and see how it goes from there. I know you're young, but try working on being the total package -- be a good cook, a good lover, and a class act outside of the bedroom, basically wifey. As he grows, he should become more attracted to being with you exclusively. While you can't forcibly change how a man feels about someone else, you might be able to draw him closer to you this way.
Question: My baby's father and I were never together - only having casual sex. Our child is now a year old and for the last 7 months, we've spent a great deal of time together with her. I just met his parents and everything went great! I really want to develop my relationship with him into something more but I don't know if he's interested. Any advice on how to find out and push the thing along without potentially ruining the great connection we've developed thus far?
Answer: Congrats on building a better relationship thus far. You can ask if he'd like to go casually along with you somewhere or do something together. You can say something like, "If you have some board games, when you are together you can ask if he wants to play." Or, "I want to ride my bike but I'd feel better with a man along. Do you want to come?" If you know he likes a certain sport or team, try remembering some stats and bring up the topic. The key is to get him to enjoy time with you that is not just physical. At the very least you will build a better bond where he will feel at ease with you.
Question: My baby's daddy wants us to break up. Reason being we are still young and he doesn't want any serious relationship. He literally kicked me out 4 months after we got married. I love him but he seems to have made up his mind. I really love him. What should I do about my baby daddy's desire to break up?
Answer: Since you are married he should not be able to kick you out of your home or apartment. In addition, since the decisions, we make when we are young set the foundation for the rest of our lives it might be worth just trying to have a conversation about this with him. In his case, perhaps you can talk to him about how having each other retains stability and security that you both can rely on in your futures -- emotionally, physically, and financially.
Ask him what benefit getting a divorce would really have for him or your child. Bouncing around from one relationship to another really does not add any real quality to a person's life, male or female. You might want to give some time for any fighting to simmer down and then approach the topic.
Since he is married to you he is already in a serious relationship and having second thoughts about that in itself is not a reason to dissolve a marriage. Husbands and wives have frequent disagreements, differences of opinion, and sometimes temporarily regret getting married because of this. While we can't force someone to love us, if he is willing to have any kind of discussion about saving the marriage, there could still be hope.
Question: I want to work things out with the father of my child but he said his feelings faded. He wants to be “close friends” is there a way I can still get him to be mine again?
Answer: Unless you would be okay with being close friends, I recommend only communicating with him when necessary. Don't be overly friendly, but don't be harsh. Use a professional demeanor with him. Sometimes when you pull back people begin to miss what they had with you. If by "close friends" he also means still sleeping together that is also a bad idea. This is because your emotions will be involved but his won't.
Question: The father of my child and I have had a rocky relationship. I thought space would help us because we were always on top of each other. I think he expected me to stay and work it out. After counseling I felt moving out was a good idea in order to rebuild and hopefully end up together. I am afraid I have pushed him away. I have the urge to text and talk to him. I still feel like there is something there. Should I tell him how I feel or just not text him at all?
Answer: Yes, you might want to text him to tell him how you feel as long as you have not done so before. Since he is the parent of your child it is also usually expected that you stay in touch to some extent anyway. Anyone who lives together usually ends up clashing to some extent. When this happens going to another room and occupying yourself with doing something else is a good idea, such as a hobby. Keep your communications light and easy, if possible. Best of luck!
Question: I’m pregnant and the father told me that he’s not father material, but everything in the past gave me a strong notion that he is going to be a great father! He told me he doesn’t want to settle, but yet, kisses the baby bump and whispers lovely little balls of warmth to my unborn babe. His actions are telling me that this is what he wants, but his words say otherwise. What do I do in the meantime of waiting for the day of delivery?
Answer: He might be affectionate with the idea of having a baby but yet not realistically feel he can handle the hard part in terms of responsibility. Since you cannot force him to be anymore involved without legal action you can try to see what you can handle on your own. You might find if you stop talking and texting and seeing him, that he becomes more interested.
© 2013 Hearts and Lattes
Curtin95 on July 29, 2020:
My ex partner and I wer together for 4 years we wer engaged and have two boys. I was unfaithful to him and we broke up. I kept meeting the person I was unfaithful with for a while then stopped and realised I wanted my ex back. I have told him numerous times how sorry I was and I wanted our family back. He kept saying never going to happen he can’t forget what I did. He is now seeing another women who has three kids. He keeps telling me it’s a rebound but he has gone on meals and stayed in hotels with her. I really want my ex partner back I’m devastated over all this. How do I make him come back. Is it too late for me to get him back and to trust me again
Ngio on November 05, 2019:
Baby daddy complicated new girlfriend pregnant but still in love with him mutual feelings
Hearts and Lattes (author) on June 06, 2019:
This would be a tough situation for anyone. It all comes down to what you can live with. Is your life better with him there or better without him there? You can also have him live in the home on a friendly basis without being romantic, if you want him there for the kids only, like roommates. You can set up a rule that you don't want anybody he knows coming over as well. Best wishes.
Gracey Cruz on June 05, 2019:
We've been together for 6 1/2 years, we have two kids 4&3 years old. I caught him cheating on me once and I struggled getting him back then so I tried to move on, when he learned I am dating someone he then told me that he realized he does not want a broken family like he does and loves his kids so much. Then he won me over by changing his attitude, he is usually cold and unappreciative before, he is not expressive. He always tells me that it is his upbringing. As months go by the sweetness faded and he become casual again. I admit I became paranoid and obsessed with the fact that he might cheat on me again. I do not feel cared for and loved that is why I have all these doubts. Whenever we fight I always shout at him and ask him to leave my house (we are living in a house given by my mom) He would ignore me, he would sleep through the night even if I am crying all night. When I ask to talk he said he is still mad and does not want to talk but then we never sorted it out. One kiss or hug we will be okay again. I always snoop in his phone and caught him deleting messages from friends and one message I have read he is not happy. I know that time we are in constant fight. When I asked him if he loves me. He does not answer yes or no, he says I'm still with you?
We are not that intimate, we used to be that. I feel that I cannot trust him but I am hurt when I ask him to leave my home for the 2nd time. Because he does not have enough money to move out he requested a month so he can raise money for rent he is staying in the next room. But he told me he thinks we are wasting our years together in arguing and that he thinks we can find a person we deserve. He said he is setting me free but he said he will always be there for his kids..
I love him but I felt that his love was not enough. I want a whole family because I came from a broken family too.
What will I do? How can we fix it?
Hearts and Lattes (author) on March 14, 2019:
I honestly think you're doing the right thing in ignoring most of his contact. I would only make sure two things are going on: that you allow him to see his child if you feel you both are safe around him, and also make sure you get any child support you would be entitled to. You can keep a level head even if he does not, which you seem to be doing just fine.
Mother25 on March 13, 2019:
I ended the relationship with my baby father because of continuous cheating. He and I were going fine but then eventually I found out that he was cheating and he kept denying. Though I knew he was cheating, I would still help him because I just loved him that much. We lost our first child and trust me, he was more supportive then than he was when I was pregnant and even than he is now. When I was five months pregnant, I found out that he was secretly still involved with his first baby mother that he was denying to me for almost two years;because she texted my phone. He still has not admitted until this day that he is with her. I left him since I was 5 months pregnant because I couldn't take the drama and she wouldn't stop. I was staying with him for a while while I was pregnant but I just couldn't deal with the drama. Eventually, I heard a rumor that my child wasn't his, I ignored it and just kept myself healthy and had my baby. When I was pregnant, he would have his friends check up on me and they would always mention him but I would just ignore. Since I had my child I have allowed him to see her probably four if not five times. My reason for ignoring contact with him is because he is so disrespectful, childish and does not know how to communicate with others or maybe it's just with me. We recently unblocked each other after almost 8 months and then he sent me something saying he loves me but I shunned it and have still been ignoring him. I don't text nor call him and I posted something on my app and he though I was involved with the person which I have been single since I was 5months pregnant and havent been with anyone else since my daughter was born but him. He keeps accusing me of being a girl who has a lot of men when he is the one who was always cheating and even when I ignore him, he randomly texts or calls me and has something aggressive to say or always wants to know why I dont text or call him. Truth is, I love him but he doesn't seem to know what he wants. Recently we blocked each other because I cannot deal with the drama but I just think he will want to reappear again. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IT'S LIKE EVEN WHEN I IGNORE HIM THAT TOO IS A PROBLEM AND WHEN I WAS DOWN FOR HIM HE DISRESPECTED ME!!PLEASE HELP!! I NEEEDDD ADVICE.