Relationship coach who has been helping married couples build strong, healthy marriages for many years.
Christy was married to her husband for ten years. A little disagreement cropped up which made Mike, her husband, so angry that he stopped sleeping in the house. Christy became miserable and asked for a separation. She cut off contact with Mike when they separated. After some time, she realized she still loved Mike, despite the way he had treated her, and she wanted to get back together with him so that they could continue the marriage. But she did not know how to go about it, given what had happened in the past.
Many people do not know what to do to get back together with their ex after a separation or a divorce.
So, how do you get back together with your ex? Here are some tips from a Christian perspective.
Pray to God to Soften Their Heart
Getting back with your ex requires you to pray. If the breakup occurred because one party hurt the other, or there was anger and bitterness involved in the separation or divorce, there is bound to be hate in the heart of one spouse or the other which you have to deal with.
It is tough to let go of hurt sometimes, especially when it involves someone you were so close to. If you don’t take serious steps to deal with the bitterness, you may never forgive that person, and it will be difficult to get back together with them, even if you find out later that you still love them. Anytime you remember what the person did to cause the breakup, it may hurt you so much you may decide never to get back together with them again.
The best way to deal with the hurt and pain of the past is to ask someone who has forgiven you for the many wrongs you have done against Him, God, to help you learn to forgive your ex and to let go.
Without God’s intervention, it may be impossible to forgive, but with God’s help, you can forgive and take measures to get back together with them.
The Bible says in Proverbs 21:1 "The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He will."
This means that God, the Omnipotent One for whom nothing is impossible, can turn the heart of any living human being in the direction He wants.
Your chances of reconciliation will be much higher after you pray to God to change your heart so that you can forgive your ex-spouse, and to soften the heart of your ex-spouse so that they will forgive you. God will listen to your prayer because He hates divorce and wants couples to be together.
If you want to get back together with your ex, you need to seek God’s help.
Have a Positive Attitude
If you want to get back together with your ex, and in your heart of hearts you know you still love them, you must have a positive attitude.
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For most spouses who want to get back together, the problem is always the inertia or the thoughts and feelings that hold them back when they think about the fact that they may be rejected.
You also have to get rid of doubts and negative feelings about yourself and the potential of your relationship.
Questions such as, “Can I make them accept me again?” and “Can the marriage work again, after all that happened between us?” should be disregarded when they come to your mind.
If you think you can do something, you are more likely to attempt it and then keep on trying until you have given your goal a decent try.
Conversely, if you think you can’t do something, you are not likely to try at all. Or you may try so halfheartedly that you give up at the first sign of difficulty.
So, have a positive mindset that they will accept your offer of reconciliation.
Remembering good things about your ex can also help you to reignite the romantic feelings you had for them when you remind yourself of how good they were to you, and how they were a great help to you in the past.
Here are a few steps to follow to remember how good your spouse has been to you:
- Sit down, or lie in your bed with a pen and writing pad.
- Try to remember twenty big things your spouse bought for you in the past over a period, let’s say two years. For example, remember gifts they gave you for your birthday, or special presents they gave you on an anniversary.
- Try to remember how much it cost them to buy those things. For example, if they bought you a dress and it was five hundred dollars, write the item and write the five hundred dollars next to it.
- Repeat for all the twenty items. Then find the total cost.
- Then, just ponder over the financial sacrifice, the sacrifice of time, and the risk they had to face to get you these items.
- Close your eyes and focus all of your mental energy on the fact that they spent so much on you, and sacrificed their comforts, just because they loved you. It will help you to remember that they really cared about you at one point in time.
- Then, write down fifty good things they did for you when you were together. This will make you see that your spouse is not as bad as you may be thinking, and help you to readjust your thinking to see them in a good light, which is likely to influence your feelings for them.
- Try to think about one good quality they showed when you were in the relationship. For example, if they were generous, focus your mind on their generosity, and think about that whenever negative thoughts about them come into your mind; if they used to encourage you, think about that.
Getting back together with your ex-spouse requires you to make your ex remember you again, and think about you often, especially if you have not been contacting them. Reconnecting can cause them to rethink about renewing the relationship.
Therefore, send them a text, or call to say you still love them, if you know they have not moved on to another relationship.
This will show your ex that you feel humble enough to want to make another try, and many people respond positively when the other person shows humility. It may make your ex think about your love for them, and also think about the love they had for you. This could influence them to develop goodwill for you again and make them want to have a reconciliation.
Admit Your Faults
When you meet up to talk about reconciliation, you should refrain from pointing out your spouse’s contribution to the breakup and instead point to your contribution to the breakup.
For example, your husband broke up with you because there were issues about how demanding you were, do not say, “You are to blame for all that happened. You know it is your responsibility to take care of me. You were too stingy, and I hope you will turn over a new leaf.”
Instead, you can say, “I have realized that, maybe, I was too unreasonable in my demands. I should have been more understanding, and I will do my best to be tactful now about how, and when, to make certain demands. I will learn to be content with what we have, and will be satisfied with whatever you give me.”
When you say, “I will,” you show that you want to take responsibility for solving part of the problem, and you want to offer a solution which will benefit both of you, which you show by saying “we.”
Adopting this strategy will make your spouse see that you are not pushing everything onto them and blaming them, and it will make them more willing to make concessions for you. It will also make your ex see that you are serious about doing something different to make the relationship work, and they are more likely to want to get back together with you.
When you can get back together with your ex, do your best to make them have no cause to break up with you again, make efforts to improve the relationship and work at making the marriage an enviable one.
How to Get Back Together With Your Ex Husband or Wife
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
© 2017 Isaac Yaw Asiedu Nunoofio