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Help 102: How to Save My Marriage When My Spouse Wants a Divorce?

Steps You Can Take to Save Your Marriage

  1. Decide if your marriage is worth being saved.
  2. Build your faith and stay positive
  3. Learn how to control your explosive emotional outbursts
  4. Don't talk to your spouse--instead, talk to God
  5. Don't do/say things to get a reaction out of him
  6. Accept what God allows

If your spouse tells you that he or she wants a divorce, then that means the marriage is over right? Well, not necessarily…

Consider this a disclaimer: if you are not an individual who has a strong faith base then there is absolutely no point in reading this hub. The things that I’m going to talk about in this post might sound ludicrous and even downright ridiculous to the average individual. Why? Because we live in an era with a society that will look at you and say: “What’s wrong with you?” “You are crazy.” “You do realize that you are just wasting your time, right?” “He isn’t worth all that.” “You’re stupid, you’re dumb, you’re weak”—and any other unsolicited comment that someone has made about your decision to fight for your marriage. Key words: it is YOUR decision; that means, what anyone else thinks really doesn't matter.

This hub is written from a woman's POV, but men, feel free to use this information if you're the one who wants the marriage to work and your wife is ready for a divorce.

My husband and me, Oct 25, 2008

My husband and me, Oct 25, 2008

I watched a documentary once where a man very up in age had been married for over seventy years and the interviewer asked him, “For you to have been married for over half a century, can you please tell us what the secret to marital longevity is?” His answer was so simple that it blew me away. He answered, “The key to making your marriage last is to keep everyone else out of it.” Who is everyone else? Your mother, your father, your siblings…and guess who else? Yep, even your best friend. These are the people who have so much to say about your marriage, your husband, and especially, your decision.

It’s very important for me to lay the foundations of this hub first because when you decide to stay in your marriage even when your husband (or wife) is all the way out, your closest confidants will think you are a fool, that you are wasting your time waiting on someone who is not going to change. But guess what? It is your decision, your life, and your marriage and you do not need anyone else’s stamp of approval in order to confirm that you meant the vows that you made before God and man (til death do you part)—even if your spouse obviously didn’t.

But just know this. There is nothing that you can do that will change your spouse’s mind. Think about it; if there was something that you could have done to change his mind, you would have never gotten to this point. This is when it’s vital to understand that you cannot control him, you cannot control his actions, and you cannot force him to abide by the vows that he made. The only person who you can control is yourself. Here are some steps that you can take to help save your marriage, even once your spouse has decided that s/he wants a divorce.

Step 1: Is it Even Worth It?

Even if your spouse tells you that he or she is out of the marriage, you still have a choice of whether you want to be in or out. But before you make that decision, you need to decide two things: 1) Is it worth it to hold on? 2) Is God trying to shut a door that you’re stubbornly trying to force open? I cannot answer these questions for you and I wouldn’t recommend you to quickly give an answer to these questions. These are questions meant to be contemplated on, brought up in prayer, and wait for clear direction from God.

Step 2: Build Your Faith & Stay Positive

Yes, it takes two to be married, but don’t underestimate the power of one determined, faith-filled individual. I have to emphasize the word faith-filled because if you aren’t faith-filled, then this will never work. The reason why is because you’re looking toward man (your spouse) to do what he’s supposed to do as a husband, and you are placing your hope (faith) in him, your hope that eventually, he will come around and do the right thing. But after he lets you down time after time after time, you will begin to lose hope in him, and thus lose hope in your marriage.

At all times, you must stay positive. Replace every negative thought with a positive one and use uplifting words, not deconstructive ones. This may be hard to do, especially when you’re feeling anything but chipper, but a negative attitude coupled with a negative situation is a recipe for destruction. Stay positive and hopeful about your future, whether it entails a future with or without your spouse.

woman praying to save her marriage

woman praying to save her marriage

Step 3: Control Your Emotions, Don’t Let Your Emotions Control You

The threat of a divorce can be scary, frustrating, and unbearably painful. One of the most difficult things to do during this time is to control your emotions, especially when your entire soul feels like one huge open wound that your spouse is continually pouring salt into. Control your emotions, but don’t suppress them. If you suppress your emotions (don’t give them any voice or express them in any way), then those suppressed emotions will build up like water being forced back by a dam, and eventually, those suppressed emotions will explode and we will probably see you on an episode of Snapped. You can express your emotions while still remaining in control of them. When you feel anger building in you, you can decide what’s the best way to express this anger instead of allowing the anger to decide for you. When you feel sadness caving in your chest, you can decide what’s the best way to express this sadness instead of just holding it inside. It’s okay to cry—but try not to do it in front of the kids. It’s okay to curse and throw things (but again, try not to do it in front of the kids).

Here's What Talking Turns Into...

husband and wife fussing, angry, headed to a divorce

husband and wife fussing, angry, headed to a divorce

Step 4: Don’t Try to Resolve the Issue by Talking

I hate to break the bad news to you, but talking to your spouse isn’t going to change a thing. If talking to him could fix things, wouldn’t everything be resolved by now? And talking to your best friend or family members or coworkers is only going to make matters worse. All they will do is give their opinion about what they think you should do and then they begin to hate your spouse for how badly he treats you. The bad part is that if your marriage is resolved, you're all smiles but the people who know the intimate details of how badly he hurt you will still hate him. Instead of talking to them about your marriage, why not talk to the one person who can actually fix things for you (if it’s in His will). Try this: everything you want to say to your spouse, say it to God (or a Higher Being). When he hurts you, cutting you deep to your soul, tell God and only God. Here’s an example:

God, did you hear what he just said to me? I am his wife! How dare he talk to me like that? Did you see how wrong he just did his kids? If I try to talk to him, he’s just going to shut me out and say, ‘See, that’s why I don’t want to be with you. Nothing I ever do is good enough for you.’ But God, even you see that he’s not even trying. He says he’s giving 100%, but God, you and I both see that he’s not even giving 10. He’s too concerned about her, running around, playing daddy to her kids while he’s ignoring his own children. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but it’s just a matter of time before they hit some stormy weather as well. God, you know what my husband is doing is not right. Please fix this situation, God, because I don’t know what else to do. Help us, God. Help my marriage.

Read More From Pairedlife

When you put your hope in God (or a Higher Being), it doesn’t really matter what your spouse is doing or is not doing because your hope is in God who will never let you down. Take your focus off what your spouse is doing and put your focus solely on God and what all you need to accomplish in your personal life while you wait expectantly to see how God is going to resolve the situation.

Weighing the Balances: Is S/he Worth the Fight?

Some questions to consider concerning your marriage/spouse


Is he a good father?

Is he considerate of your feelings/emotions?

Does he take care of the household?

Do you get along in the bedroom?

Is he a good role model for the children?

Were you good friends during the marriage?

Does he help pay the bills?

Is the bedroom the only place where you get along?

Is he very family-oriented when it comes to the children?

Do you hang out together or do things together that you both enjoy?

Is he financially available to you?

Is the bedroom non-existent between you two?

Does he have good parenting skills?

Did s/he used to be your best friend?

Does he provide the necessities for you and/or the children?

Is there more depth to the relationship than just sex?

when your marriage feels like a roller coaster ride

when your marriage feels like a roller coaster ride

Step 5: Get Off the Crazy Roller Coaster Ride

Don’t try to do or say things to get a response out of your spouse. It won’t work, at least not in the way you hope it will. Stop calling him all the time, trying to come up with a plausible excuse as to why you called when really, all you want to do is hear his voice. Stop trying to lure him back into your bed simply because the fact that he’s still having sex with you is making you feel like you have a 1-up on the other woman (if there is another woman). When you know you’ll be around him for whatever reason, stop wearing overly sexy clothes to try to get a response out of him. And for Christ’s sake, have some dignity! Have enough self-respect not to go begging and pleading on your knees, wailing for him to come back to you, begging for him to come back to you. Are you not better than that, that you have to beg and plead and cry and snot for a man to be with you? Getting off his crazy roller coaster will give you an insurmountable level of peace while you ride out the storm until God moves in your marriage.

Step 6: Accept What God Allows

I cannot see the future so I have no idea whether your marriage is truly over or not. But what I do know is this; often in life, we find ourselves in situations where we feel like if we don’t get our way (our marriage being saved), then somehow God has let us down. Even if you follow this hub to the T, praying incessantly for your spouse and your marriage, he might still file for a divorce. And when he does, there’s nothing you can do but go on with your life. Did God fail you? No. It just wasn’t in His will for your marriage to continue. In this case, you must accept what God allows.

my husband and me, surviving the threat of a divorce

my husband and me, surviving the threat of a divorce

My Experience with My Husband's Infidelity

At one point in my marriage, I found out that my husband was having an extramarital affair. To date, it is one of the most hurtful, soul-injuring experiences I’ve ever had to endure. How did I find out? No, he didn’t tell me. His behavior changed and as an intuitive woman, I became suspicious and began to investigate like only we women can do. I found her number and her address, contacted her, and she admitted to everything—of course, he denied it all at the time. That night, I had a barn fire in front of our house. But I didn’t use wood or trash. I used his clothes, every piece of it: hats, shoes, pants, coats, shirts—you name it, it went up in flames.

After that, I was certain that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I felt embarrassed, humiliated, betrayed, insecure, devastated (just to name a few of my conflicting emotions). And just when you think it can’t get any worse, it did. He admitted to me that not only did he care deeply for this woman, but he wanted to be with her exclusively. His confession knocked the little breath I still had right out of my soul.

According to my husband, our marriage was over. According to me, I still wanted things to work but I couldn’t make him want to be with me. So you know what I did? I went on with my life, allowed him to do whatever he was doing with her, and waited patiently in prayer for God to knock some sense into my husband and restore my marriage. Waiting patiently is the hard part when you want your marriage to work and you want it to work now. Waiting patiently is gut-wrenching, especially in a society where we constantly receive instant gratification (instant oatmeal, rent-on-demand movies, fastfood restaurants, etc.)

Not only did I know this woman’s phone number and knew where she lived, I also knew what car she drove. I could have attempted to make her life a living hell in order to get my husband back, but I didn’t want to make someone be with me if he didn’t want to. Because I was fully aware that that woman wasn’t holding my husband hostage in her home; he was a willing participant who could leave at any time.

So I talked to God and told Him everything, how bad it was hurting me, how badly I wanted my marriage to work. And God spoke to me in a very clear voice, as though he was walking down the sidewalk beside me, and placed his lips near my ear and said, “He said your marriage is over…but what did I say?” And when God told me that, nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter what my husband was doing with the other woman; the only thing that mattered was that I knew in my soul that God had the final say on our marriage. Needless to say, even with my faith, this was a very difficult time in my life and I lost a tremendous amount of weight due to the depression I was fighting. But in less than a year’s time, God had restored my husband and my marriage.

It’s no walk in the park and we still have some kinks to iron out, but I’m regaining my trust in my husband day by day, and the fact that he’s so open about the affair and that we talk about it and the pain that it caused our marriage and our children, it is truly helping me to heal. Sharing my story with you all is also a part of the healing process.

wedding rings, overcoming divorce, making the marriage work

wedding rings, overcoming divorce, making the marriage work

Is it Too Late for Your Marriage?

In Summary

In the face of divorce, you can still save your marriage. It’s never too late. Even after the dotted line is signed, God can restore and rebuild anything that He wants to restore and rebuild. Take the story of Lazarus for example. If he can raise from the dead a man whose body has already begun decomposing, then why can’t he raise your decomposing marriage from the dead? Even if your husband has left you, you can be physically absent from the marriage, but still faithfully present.

Just remember that there is power in prayer, that you need to control your emotions and not let them control you, and that you need to ask God to help you accept whatever he allows. Psalms 3, 4, and 5 gave me so much peace in that most depressive time of my marriage. I hope this hub and those 3 psalms bring you a measure of peace as well. No matter what, keep fighting for what you believe in and don’t let anybody tell you that you’re stupid for wanting your marriage to work.

This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.

Questions & Answers

Question: How can I fix my sexless marriage when my husband has already moved out? How can I show him I have changed?

Answer: Honestly, I don't think that fixing the sex in the marriage should be the primary focus right now. If he has already moved out, you have some much more major issues to deal with other than the bedroom. You show your husband that you have changed by, well, showing your husband that you have changed! Here's when a change is authentic and noteworthy: when you don't have to say, "Can't you see that I've changed?" The change is so prominent, the change is so obvious, that the other person begins to say (without prompting), "Something about you is different. The old Jessica would've never _________." So I would't focus on the sex. The sex is a minor issue. There are people having great sex with their spouses, but everything else in the marriage that really matters is shattered and drowning. Focus on you changing so much in the inside that you don't have to "show" someone you've changed. Everyone who comes in contact with you will notice. You should definitely check out my book When Wedding Bells Stop Ringing, and consider signing up for the The Marriage Salon online course once it releases later this year.

Question: What was your reaction when your husband came back?

Answer: When he came back, my reaction initially was very lackluster. I didn't trust him at all. In my mind, if I couldn't literally see him with my eyeballs, then he might as well be cheating on me. And even if I could see him with my eyes, I still didn't trust him. Maybe that text message he just sent wasn't really to his brother. Maybe it was a message to her or some other woman. So we had to work on rebuilding the trust in the marriage from the ground up, which was a lengthy process that was by no means easy. So I wasn't ecstatic when he came back, but I was willing. And that's all you need: two people who are willing. Willing to deal with the hurt, but willing to move past the hurt. Willing to forgive, willing to mend, willing to be mended, willing to love in spite of, willing to learn how to trust again, willing to make a conscious choice to move forward together. You should definitely check out my book When Wedding Bells Stop Ringing, and consider signing up for The Marriage Salon online course once it releases later this year.

© 2014 Jessica B Smith


deborah jaftha on November 04, 2019:

thank you so much for this article, I still have hope and iam trusting God whatever His will is for our marriage. still praying and seeking Gods voice during this storm, this current storm. Standing strong on Ezekiel 36.

Michael Fitch on December 31, 2018:

I realise that this hub is aimed primarily at women, but us men also really suffer when our spouses push for divorce. We have been married for 19 years, the last 2 years we have been separated, living in separate houses. The separation started when my wife started divorce proceedings. We had not been happy for quite a while, but I was not expecting her to file for divorce, I had in fact only just made up my mind to really start working hard on the marriage. For me the divorce petition came out of the blue and I have not been coping with it well. She will not entertain any ideas about reconciliation, counselling, living together again. I believe she has worked out that she can divorce me, take half our large house and half my pension, and live her life with everything provided and yet not have any responsibility of marriage. There are no children. She says she cannot trust me, and this is because I insisted on maintaining some friends who were female (as well as some who are male, and even one or two who are not sure). But I have never been unfaithful to her. So, please pray for me and other men in my situation. The divorce is going to court for settlement probably in February 2019. I know that God is with me in my storm, as He is with all of us in our storms. I am not sure about 'not getting in the way of what God is allowing' , I cannot get my head around why should God allow or condone something that He hates. I pray for all of us, that solutions be found that are pleasing to God and acceptable to us.

O. L. on October 12, 2018:

Such an amazing testimony. I’ve been experiencing my own ups and downs with my own situation and as God always does, I start searching for blogs/websites and links then there’s a message my spirit/soul need to hear. It’s stories such as yours that inspire me to stop doubting Gods will whichever direction it may take. Walk my journey with him, trust and what I need will be provided. I wish there were more positive views of marriage on social media, movies and tv programming. Relationships do take work, however people believe it’s a cake walk. When I say work I don’t mean getting up in a bad mood, fighting traffic and drinking coffee to survive the stress type of work. I mean hello world, thank you God for another day and opportunity to be alive and be in the presence of this wonderful person you put beside me in this life. Although I have to go now, every second I’m away I’m counting down until I see you later.

That’s the kind of love I want to share with my

Renee on September 12, 2018:

Thank you for your post! I can relate to everything you have said. My husband left the home about 8 months ago with very little explanation. He said it had nothing to do with me or another woman. He said he no longer wanted to be married and just wanted to be by himself. As of date, he has not file for divorce, which has been really frustrating for me. As a result, I have been exhibiting the exact behaviors you have identified in your post. When I think about the situation and his nonchalant attitude, I get angry. I feel like I'm in a prison, waiting for what my sentence will be. Will I be released or held hostage as I wait on him to make a final decision? My frustrations have caused me to lose control of my emotions. He calls them "tantrums", which I can say that probably are because I'm not getting what I want. I find myself doing things to get a response or reaction from him, and when I don't, I get even more upset. I've even made demands for him to talk to me because I feel like I'm in limbo. Since the day he left, he hasn't expressed what is actually going on with him. I've asked him several times what are his plans for this marriage. He refuses to answer, but tells me "We'll talk", which never happens, then I get upset again. I feel like I'm on the crazy roller coaster ride you mentioned. I trust God and know He is in control and can do the impossible. I have to get my words and actions in alignment with God's word. And yes, I do have family and friends telling me I'm wasting my time or he'll never change. But I know it's not over until God says it's over. So I'm going to make every attempt to vent to God; not to family or friends. I've made a conscentious decision to trust God with my marriage, no matter the outcome. I know all things work together for my God and that He has plans to give me hope and a future.

Liliana937 on September 12, 2018:

But how can you decide if it’s worth saving? How do you determine that your marriage is worth saving?

Lerona on July 17, 2018:

Hello my name is Lerona me and my husband Byron have been separated for 8 months now. At the time I was filing for divorce I couldn't handle the issues that were going on in the marriage. I asked my husband to leave and during the divorce process I felt that God wanted me to stop the divorce, so I did. I have talked to my husband about this but he said I shouldn't have put him out. So last week I found out on that he filed for divorce. He told me he didn't but I saw all the information and his lawyers information. At first I was so hurt it felt like my soul left my body. Through prayer I have realized that God is the only one who can change any body heart. God is the only one that can minister to his heart because he has shut the possibility of us working things out down. I am just asking that God's perfect will be done concerning my marriage. I'm praying I am able to accept what ever way this all works out. God is still God and I am so glad that I know who He is and I am not walking through the valley alone.

mmjmmgross on June 29, 2018:

Thank you for sharing your story. My husband told me he wanted a divorce almost a year ago. I was devastated. I had an affair a long time ago and he’s never been able to forgive me. I’ve tried to make some changes within myself and I pray continuously and thank God he doesn’t talk of divorce anymore. We still have a lot of problems. He’s distant and sleeps in another rooms most nights. I hope we can rebuild our marriage. I’ll keep praying. God listens and I need to be patient.

Thank you again. It helps so much to hear other stories of success.

LaTrice from Las Vegas, NV on February 19, 2018:

This article provides helpful advice to determine if your marriage is worth fighting for or not. I do agree that it takes two to make a relationship work. However, I disagree with you confronting the other woman for your husband's infidelity. He made a conscious decision to do what he did without any regards for your feelings. Even if your husband refused to come clean, you should have used his actions as a guide to file for divorce. I apologize for being abrasive, but I'll never understand why some people are so quick to confront the other person when their spouse or significant other is cheating on them. I don't get it.

There's nothing wrong with seeking answers from a higher power, but some relationships and marriages aren't meant to be. Life is way too short to be unhappy, especially with a person who's unable to stay committed and take their vows before God seriously.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Lily on February 17, 2018:

Thanks very helpful

hurt&alone on January 31, 2018:

Thank you for posting this. I would say that I needed to read it more than you know, but I have a pretty good idea you DO know :) Thank you again for the encouragement & reminder that not only is He in charge, but the our relationship with Him is extra important at this difficult time.

Mary on January 14, 2018:

My husband of 20 years said he wants to end our marriage. He said he has been unhappy and he doesn't make me happy. This was after I caught him with a 2nd cell phone which he didnt let me see. Im devastated i know in my gut there is someone else but he denies it. What do I do now. He is acting normal and doesnt know when he is moving out.

Mary-ann on December 01, 2017:

I don't know whete I go wrong to make him angry with the things I say.something just comes over me.everytime his family comes and goes back home we fight for a few weeks.but I do believe in God and I know God gave me this married and two beautiful girls.Guys let's have faith.on the 5 on Dec we will be married for 4years and together for 7 years. I will pray and put my trust in God.

Donisha Walton Galloway on July 23, 2017:

This was very uplifting and inspiring... I really needed to hear this.. My marriage is broken and I've been praying like I've never prayed before for God to restore my marriage.. I believe with all my heart that husband will come back to me.. I keeping the faith. Thank you so much for giving me hope where their was very little...

Grace Litchfield on May 15, 2017:

I appreciate you sharing your story with us, i feel so light and blessed that i am not alone going through almost same problems as i am currently facing. i am definitely not giving up on my 8 year marriage and with your inspiration, i am continuing my fasting and prayers. God bless you and i am looking forward to letting you know about my story soonest as i await Gods responses whichever way.

Leo on February 23, 2017:

My wife wants to divorce. Badly and quickly. Has already filed (for an amicable settlement). 20+ years of marriage, five children. I am devastated. Of course I do bear some of the responsibility for this. But I honestly did my best to help her, especially during the last past year. And still believe that maybe my "best" might be still better... if I can get some help from Above. I still love her and we still live under the same roof, but she does not want me to do anything with her. "J love you but I do not want to live with you anymore", "I am your wife only "on paper" ".

Your post gave me some hope. And for this, thank you so much. You see, I keep oscillating. Sometimes I feel relief in thinking I should just set her free. She changed her way of living drastically this last year and I am afraid she might do something really bad, G-d forbid. I do not go after her to check so I do not know for sure. But three weeks ago while I was mopping the kitchen's floor, I found the draft of a letter she wrote to a man where she wrote "she does not ask for anything...." and mentioned "things between us".

At this point I felt the need to talk to someone about it. The woman I talked to told me not to tell her about it and to set her free. Then I felt relieved but the relief was short-lived.

Only G-d to whom I pray and talk to knows.

Krishna on January 14, 2017:

Thank you so much for writing this hub! It's exactly what I needed. My husband told me right after Christmas that he wants a divorce. He's almost finished moving out and has nothing to say about our marriage. I don't want the divorce but I can't change his mind. I leave it with God now and let him work his plan...cause I know he has one, whatever the outcome.

Yue Yuan on November 02, 2016:

Hi, thank-you for writing this article it is very good topic and will help many people who are on the fence about getting a divorce. When there are children involved a divorce is a whole new topic as opposed to people who don’t have children involved. When children are involved it will affect their lives, in fact as they get older and are more accustomed to a family life it is even harder than when they are younger and have no recollection of an intact family life. If you are happy to visit my world press page, it is welcome. And I also post some related articles as yours.

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on November 02, 2016:

What I have learned in life is that nothing else matters except what God says. It doesn't matter what your husband has done or what he's doing. The only thing that matters is your faith in what God has spoken to you. However, there are many voices: the voice of God, the voice of your head, the voice of your heart, and the voices from the outsiders who have an opinion about your life. So when you say, "I keep hear God saying keep fighting, it's not over," pray hard to make sure that you're hearing "His" voice because I promise you, if God said it, that settles it. But it depends on your faith. Nothing else.

Slcj on July 16, 2016:

Hi jessica i was wondering what you meant when you said you can be full absent from the marriage, but also fully present. My husband left 7weeks ago an said he wanted us to work on our relationships with God and that is exactly what i did. However he became overly close with a single chick from work an now has a relationship with her that his bosses dont know about. He has filed for divorce about 3 weeks ago. But when i talk to God i hear him say keep fighting its not over. We have also be sexual within these last 7 weeks he has been away. We hang out an do family things with our boys an he spends the night sometimes too. He is so contridicting sometimes i just dont know what to do. I am going to respond to the divorce papers as far a custody, child support, and debt, but i do not feel at peace yet to sign them to end our marriage. He still calls me almost everyday to chat an tell me hes been study the bible again im so lost on what to do.

Radhika Mehta on June 19, 2015:

Great work and well said. Only faith and prayers can work in this case.

anonymous on April 18, 2015:

After 29 years my husband wants a divorce im devastated but after reading this i am turning it all over to god. I had an affair moved out of the house and after trying to work it out he doesnot but i have faith in god that we will find our way back and make our marriage strong again

supermom on March 23, 2015:

I know by me finding this article is Gods way of saying its not over. In my case we are still in one house just separate rooms. My husband is having an affair with an ex frirnd of minr whom is also saved and involved in church. First he moved out of our room brcause i was talking to an ex on sicial networks but not any kind of talking.. how good our sex life was and all the other thungs that goes along with it. I yhen fell pregnant and shortly therrafter hubby moved back into our room. It wasn't hunky dory but it was good . The i realised his actions started changing again but he kept makig me look crazy and said im assuming till i found the evendincr. Hr then admitted apologised and promised to end it and make our marriage work. He agreed to renew our vows. This ways two days before our son was born. Two weeks later he tells me i tried to love you but i can't. Im just not the man you want me to be. That made me feel beyond broken. But no talks of divorce. His beyind stressed financially as i am not working but ni excuse for his behaviour. He doesn't sleep out of the house and is home weekends. We still go to mutual friends together but he makess it obvious that his moved on. Ive done most of the above mentionrd but will now do it with all that i have left. My current motivation is.. the pain i have been feeling is nothing compared to the joy that's coming. rom 5.5 zephaniah 3 And many more. Thank you for this encouraging post. I csnt wait to sharr my testimony. Lord let your will be done in Jesus Name Amrn

Marquita228 on February 20, 2015:

I thank you for this. I have been married for almost two years and my husband and i have been having problems for almost that long as well. It's rough bc I love him but he has told me he wants a divorce. We have had a domestic issue once and it ended up in court. Now he despises me. I'm not perfect but i never thought that I married the wrong man. He said marrying me was rhe biggest mistake. I used to pray for God to heal my marriage but now I'm just praying for God's will to be done.

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on January 30, 2015:

@Christopher Stewart, thanks for your comment! I'm sorry to hear that you marriage didn't make it, but at the same time, I'm happy to hear that you are an advocate for staying together.

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on January 30, 2015:

@dashingscorpio, thanks for your comment on this hub! the truth is, there's this misconception that once you get married, you're supposed to "want" to be with this person for the rest of your life. if you live with this mindset, you will either 1) grow old alone, or 2) be one of those people who have been married 4, 5, 6, 7x, etc. God uses the fire to refine us because we are gold to him. This means that he will put our marriage in the fire as well because he will try it, test it, build it & grow it. Have you ever been burned? It's not a good feeling. When Gods sets your marriage on fire, it doesn't feel good either. But if you stay in the flames and understand that the scorching heat serves a greater purpose, I'm a living witness that you will grow and mature spiritually and emotionally in ways that you can never imagine. But even Jesus realized that marriage forever is not for everybody. He clearly states: "He who is able to accept this [marriage without divorce], let him accept it" (Matthew 19:12).

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on January 30, 2015:

@Lizbeth Majarro, I'm glad this hub was able to give you a little glimpse of hope back. Keep praying. There's power in prayer (which is why we struggle so hard to keep praying b/c the adversary desires to take away our prayers b/c if he takes away our prayers, he takes away our power in that situation). Best!

Lizbeth Mojarro on January 20, 2015:

Wow...I really needed to read this. I've been depressed over a month now and just ready to give up on everything. I have been praying daily but its only gotten harder as each day has passed by....your words and story gave me that little glimpse of hope back. I'll keep praying.

dashingscorpio from Chicago on December 25, 2014:

In order for him or her to be "the one" they'd have to see you as being "the one". At the very least a (soul-mate) is someone that actually wants to be with you and vice versa!

Human beings make mistakes in all areas of life including their mate selection with regards to marriage. Some folks get married to the "wrong person" and some get married for the "wrong reasons".

A divorce when it's all said and done is a public admission that a (mistake) was made in the mate selection process.

I've never understood why anyone would want to be with someone who does NOT want to be with them! Oscar Wilde said it best:

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

If someone doesn't want to be with you clearly they don't think you're all that "special". All marriages will have their challenges but at the very least a marriage should contain (two people) who {want} to be married.

One man's opinion! :)

Christopher Stewart on November 23, 2014:

This is a great article it's straight to the point and everything said is true. I'm on a verge of divorce now I've been trying to save my marriage for months but now I'm just waiting to sign on the dotted line. Even though I could save my marriage I still try to help other people

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on November 14, 2014:

Hi Blanco1,

You, your wife, and your marriage are in my prayers. One thing I want to point out; you said, "I can't forgive myself, either." Your wife needs you loving her out of a place of wholeness, not brokenness. If your wife was to take you back today, your mindset would be, "Let me prove to her that I'm a better man." Perhaps God has allowed the bumpy road in your marriage to happen so that you can prove to yourself that you are a better man. How can you convince your wife that you are worthy of being forgiven when you can't even convince yourself? I believe that God hates divorce because he clearly states this in his word. But at the same time, nothing happens unless God allows it to happen. If God allowed a separation to befall you and your wife, then he's doing it "for your good." There's something "good" that's supposed to come out of this painful place in your life. Have patience. Trust the process. Let yourself grow. Learn to love and trust yourself first. I can hear your wife saying, "Why would I love and trust you again when you don't even love and trust yourself?" It's a painful place that you're in, my friend. But there's a reason why they call it "growing pains." This painful place is where your growth begins.



Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on November 14, 2014:

Hi Leigh2736,

I want to applaud you for your courage and your determination to see your marriage all the way through, come what may. I know this is a difficult time in your life, so just know that I'm praying for you, your husband, and your marriage. What your explaining, about doing the family outings, this sometimes happen in marriage. One of the spouses want the "family-feeling" without having the "family" responsibility. It's a cop-out. It's basically saying, "I want to do things with you like a family, but I don't want to fulfill my responsibilities to you as a husband." As bad as this might hurt and as difficult as this may be, you don't have to be his yes-woman. When he calls you and asks for a "family" outing, say no. Tell him he can take the kids, but you'll pass. Of course, easy for me to say, right? Well, I've been in your shoes and I know that a lot of times why we go on the "family" outing is because 1) this might bring us closer together, 2) the kids want to see us together and agreeing to this outing will make them happy, and 3) at least I get to spend time with him, interact with him. But the truth of the matter is after the family outing is over and done with, he goes back to whatever he's doing and you go back to whatever you're doing, and you're the only one hurting with the memories and reminder of what could be but what isn't. You're doing yourself a disservice by agreeing to these outings. Tell him it's all or nothing. A piece of him just won't do.



blanco1 on November 09, 2014:

Hi, im a man 44 in the midst of my worst nightmare, my wife 33, separated from me 2 months ago and lives with her best friend and 2 children. We are married 13yrs.. over the years I have caused here enormous pain, adultrey, drinking, accusations, etc...even through this she tried to make it work and my stubborness never allowed me to become a better man. She tells me I am a great guy and wants me to move on and make myself better, but for myself. She hasn't gone to divorce, not sure if she is just sorting things out. We are both faithful Catholics, i have recently been finding God to a greater extent. I meet with my priest and attend bible study. I am not good at not call8ng, begging or pleading..i can't forgive myself either, i am in a world of hurt, not sure where we are headed. God bless

Leigh2736 on November 05, 2014:

After 15 years of marriage & 2 kids later, my husband wants a divorce because he says we have nothing in common. I have prayed & cried & realized that I need to give him to God. In less than a month, our divorce will be finalized . Although by law we will be divorced, I will continue to be faithful to him as we were married. The confusing thing about all of this is he keeps texting & calling me & wanting to do things together as a family. He won't even try to save the marriage but at the same time won't leave me alone.

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on October 01, 2014:

Hi there! Firstly, let me thank you for sharing your story b/c I can guarantee you that there's someone out there who's facing a similar situation. you are not alone in this. i know you're bad as it might hurt to hear this, the best thing you can do for your marriage and yourself is to take your focus off your wife and put it on you. you're 41 and you're not getting anything but older. it's time to get serious about establishing yourself, especially financially b/c finances tear marriages apart much more than infidelity.

As bad as this may sound, if you really truly want your wife back, close your mouth and let your life do the speaking. You've already started it by stopping gambling. That's a step in the right direction, so good for you! Next step, find better employment. Now of course, this is easier said than done, but if you fish long enough, you're bound to get a bite eventually. And another thing. If you haven't already, go back to school. Nowadays, it's getting easier and more cost-efficient to go back to school and pick up a degree. A degree will give you a larger selection of employment opportunities to choose from.

Though it may seem like you're making all these changes just to get your wife back, as you continue down this path, you will realize that you're becoming a better man not only for her, but for yourself. I know this doesn't lessen the hurt any, and I know what you want right now is your wife by your side more than anything else. But the truth of the matter is that you can't control her; you can only control yourself. A wise man once said, "When it comes to relationships, believe nothing he says, but everything he does." Show her how bad you want her, not with your words, but with your actions.

hearthurtingJ on September 30, 2014:

my wife and I had a very hard time in our marriage the last couple of months she tried to throw me out of the house but I wouldn't leave she kept telling me we need to separate but I couldn't except it however we got threw that' so I thought,' a few months went by and she told me that she loves me and shes my wife and were going make this work. this was at the end of july things were going swell '' so I thought'' Now on Sat. of last week I got up that morning jumped in the shower to get ready for work she knocked on the door and said to me those words that all men hate to hear from there wife or partner WE NEED TO TALK. I felt that burning feeling in my body like always when I hear that and said here we go because WE NEED TO TALK is always bAd news for me. She told me that she's leaving me that broke my heart because I thought we were doing fine theres no adultery going on by me nor her its finance. I drive a taxicab and she wants me to find another job she think that im not making money i must admit ive been late on my half of the rent, and not keeping up with the bills like I should and she feels that I put it all on her and she fed up with it this has only been a couple of months I do provide for my family but not at the rate she thinks i should, we have kids i had 3 she had 2 and we have 1 together. Moving on, In a desperate plea for my marriage I revealed to her last night that ive been gambling my money away and I realized that I was gambling my marriage and family away as well ive been going to the horse track almost all my life and im 41 now but it was never a problem we been married for 4 yrs. she knew I like going to the track but she didn't know how much I was going and losing until last night I told her. its not like im losing thousands but a couple of hundred 3 or 4 days a week adds up to that and by my being a cab driver the time I spend at the track I should be working because time is a huge factor in my line of work we have other issues but I see and know that this is key ingredient. I just want my family back I love my wife the other issues we I can't speak on that rite now some of them are personal this here is hard enough for me to share just to tell the world that my wife doesn't want me any more is embarrassing enough. need help this pain is killing me. the gambling has stopped that was easy for me because I see what it has done trust me when I say that stopping was not hard getting my wife to stay is harder then that. open for advice, welcoming discussion, dying for answers

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on September 28, 2014:

@Pmartin, I hate the fact that the spellcasters use this page to post these ridiculous spammy responses. I have to delete at least 20 of these posts per day and it's just outright pathetic. I wish Hubpages had a better way to weed out these spammers. Hubpages does have an option where you can flag the comment as spam; the problem with this is that once you flag the spellcaster's message, s/he simply creates a new profile and go right back to posting. I SINCERELY HOPE THAT NO ONE USES ANY OF THIS SPELL CASTER NONSENSE TO TRY TO FIX/SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. THEY ARE JUST TRYING TO PREY ON VULNERABLE, DESPERATE INDIVIDUALS TO GET YOUR MONEY AND/OR PERSONAL INFORMATION. DO NOT--I REPEAT "DO NOT'--RESPOND TO THESE FALSE ADVERTISING SO-CALLED SPELL CASTERS. Thanks! Jessica

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on September 28, 2014:

@Rachael, Thanks for sharing your story. I hate to hear that after 14 years of marriage, you and your husband are facing this crisis situation. This is just proof that there is no "safe zone" in marriage or that after you pass X amount of years, that means your marriage will survive. Making your marriage last is a constant, daily "work of love"--and that love includes patience, longsuffering, kindness, and faith (fruits of the Spirit). I believe your husband is using your happiness as a way of escape out of the marriage. What I suggest is that you take your focus off of him. As long as your focus is on him, you'll find yourself drowning in the dark waters of frustration and uncertainty. Focus on yourself. What are some things, some hurt places, some broken places that need to be healed in Rachael? Trust the process. While God is healing you and making you whole, trust that He's doing the same thing for your husband. Don't worry about the "if"--if you're going to get back together or if your marriage is over. Don't worry about the whens either. Focus on the why. Why is your marriage in the shape that it's in right now? And instead of pointing the finger at him, pointing it at yourself--this isn't the blame game or the who's guilty, who's not game. This is the self-reflection that will cause you to look at the broken places inside of you so you can be healed because you can't heal what hasn't been revealed. Hope this brings you some measure of peace and guidance during this turbulent time in your life.

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on September 28, 2014:

@Kate, I'm glad that you found this hub helpful. I think we all could use more practice at controlling our emotions. It takes a lot of self-discipline (and practice) to make sure that we're the parent and our emotion is the child--if that makes sense. Too often, we let our emotion become the parent and we become the child and it shouldn't be that way. In hindsight, we look back at the mess that we just made or we shake our heads in shame at how out-of-character we've just gotten, and then we say, "I don't know what got into me. I just...couldn't control myself." That's a cop-out. We can control ourselves, but it takes practice and patience and the ability to say, "Okay, I blew it that time. But the next time I find myself in that situation, I'll know that this is my opportunity to get it right."

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on September 28, 2014:

@ Mz Jay, you ask, "What do you do in the mean time? No dating?" This is a personal choice. If you choose to date, then that's what you choose to do. No one can knock you for wanting companionship and/or attention from another man while your husband gets plenty of companionship and attention from another woman (or other women). Personally, I feel like it's an oxymoron to date others while believing in God to fix your marriage. It's like you're telling God, "Lord, I want you to fix my marriage--but in the mean time while I'm waiting, I'm going to get involved with someone else." What usually happens is that you're just using the other person as a distraction--and how selfish is that? I can speak on this because I've been in those shoes. It's amazing how we'll call our spouse selfish, yet we'll go and do something selfish (selfish meaning doing something to gratify one's self with little or no regard to how it affects the other person), and then we try to justify our actions because, "two can play this game," or "if he's doing it, then why can't I?" Sometimes, we just need to put on our big girl "drawes" and say, "If I'm going to wait, then I'm going to wait (on God, not on him). If I'm not willing to wait, then let's go ahead and bring this thing to an end so I can begin a new chapter in my life."

PMARTIN on September 22, 2014:

this page is becoming nothing more than advertisements for "spellcasters"

Kate McBride from Donegal Ireland on September 19, 2014:

This is a great hub full of hope and common sense. I especially like the bit about controlling your emotions instead of letting them control you. This is something I have to work on.

Rachael on September 12, 2014:

Not just three days ago my husband says he thinks we should divorce. After 11 (almost 12) years of marriage and almost 14 years together and 2 children. I was heart broken. I still am heart broken. I am trying my best to give faith to God and know that he will pull me through this and things will get better. He says that I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy without him. I get what he is saying because over the years I continued to tell him I was unhappy with him because I believed he was pulling away from me and I didn't feel the love from him anymore. He says he shut down years ago. He also blames himself for not showing enough emotion and voicing his concern to me. He wants me to work on myself. I just find it hard to believe that after 14 years together that he would not help me or stay with me while I go through this change. He says if hes around than I will not work on being happy with myself. I just need to find hope and faith that it will be ok. Yes we live in a world of instant gratification and that is what I want right now. I really liked reading your blog. I will read it everyday. It is very good information. I pray that you find it in your heart to trust your husband once again.

Mz Jay on September 02, 2014:

So what do you do in the meantime just wait around? No dating or anything?

Jessica B Smith (author) from Sanford, NC on August 30, 2014:

J, I'm glad this hub has encouraged you, and thank you for posting this comment. It's not easy to hold on to your faith when everything is telling you to let it go and be done with it. But you said the most important words: "but God is telling me otherwise." This highlights the part of this hub that urges you to seek God's will for your marriage, not your own. God speaks to our spirit. For this reason, it's very important to reflect and meditate in prayer and the reading of our Word so that we can listen closely to what God has told our spirit. The problem is that people don't understand this type of thinking, and they will quickly tell you how stupid you are and offer suggestions of how they would handle the situation if they were in your shoes. If God told you to hold on and trust Him, then hold on and trust Him. Only he has the ability to resurrect your dead/dying marriage. Be blessed, stay encouraged. Thanks for posting.


J on August 28, 2014:

Your story gives me a lot of faith. Before reading, I had already been doing all that you've described to save my marriage. I feel i'm almost at my breaking point and feel just going through with the divorce but God is telling me otherwise. Because I would have signed the paperwork by now, but I haven't. I'm keeping up my faith and talking and praying with Him every chance I get.

PMARTIN on August 15, 2014:

Do and be what the Bible says

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