Getting Dumped: Decoded
Getting Dumped: Decoded
Dump. Dumping. Dumped. Dump is one of my least favorite words, (I feel about “dump” the way most people feel about “moist”). It just doesn’t elicit warm fuzzy feelings and is generally associated with garbage heaps, toxic sludge, bodily waste or the site where a body was left after a homicide.
[RANDOM TANGENT: Dump meals, dump cakes - Stop pairing that word with yummy food. “Hey you want some Crockpot Dump Stew and Dump Cake for dessert?” No. I will never be that hungry. END TANGENT]
That being said, dump is also used to describe relationships - more specifically, the end of. Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, being dumped sucks, but it's not the end of the world. Dumped: A Guide to Getting Over A Breakup And Your Ex in Record Time by Maryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth Rosenthal is an excellent resource if you desire a speedy rebound. In the meantime, to help you through your breakup, here are a few of the most common excuses Dumpers use and what they really mean.
Decode #1: The Drive-By
The dumper says “It’s not you, it’s me”. (This is what I call the drive-by breakup). It probably is him, but, immediately we wonder “what is wrong with me?” Why? Because we have all used this drive by excuse. Sooooo you’re saying, “but random writer woman, when I used this excuse, it WAS him. I liked him but just not in that way. Something was off.” Right, you weren’t crushing. I have used the drive-by an embarrassing amount of times and it was largely my problem: Like so many other foolish females, my nice guys never stood a chance and nice girls also finish last.
Also, consider a case of undefined lack of vibe - which you may have noticed but you reallllllly wanted to like this guy; maybe there was a mutual no chemistry situation. Or, he wanted sex; end-o-story. (Yeah that last one is maddening but you can’t go back & unsex him so don’t meltdown). Seriously, if the dumper says “it’s not you, it’s me”. Believe it. Don’t waste precious time, energy or wine wondering what’s wrong with you. It’s him. Move on.
It's Not You, It's Me
Have you ever used the "drive-by" breakup?
Decode #2: Friend Zone
The dumper says he “really likes you as a friend and is afraid that he won’t have you as a friend anymore if you date and breakup”. Because...you know…he’d “rather have you in his life as a friend than not at all”. (Watch for Rod Serling because you are about to enter - The Friend Zone). PFFFFFFFT. Whatever. This is still “it’s not you, it’s me” except this time he provided you with a reason why it IS him. My experience is that this friend situation will blow up like the fourth of July. This guy knows you like him “that way” and if you are so smitten that you want to advise him about a girl he’s really interested in or listen to him pine about how he can’t find anyone that treats him right, have fun torturing yourself (just pull out a tooth instead). In the meantime, if you find someone else and start dating, you may find your “friend” acting jealous.
This isn’t because he’s had an epiphany that you are his unicorn. It’s because you are probably no longer worshiping him or at his beckon booty-call. So what do you do? Let time pass. Get over him and if you can get to a place where you are no longer crushing, you can TRY being friends - but his girlfriend probably won’t like it. Seriously, just pull another tooth. Or a fingernail. Long dumped story short, see your way out of his sideshow drama. It’s still him, not you.
Have you put people in the friend zone?
Decode #3 Issues Smishues
The dumper says “I just have a lot going on personally right now”. There are several scenarios possible in this excuse but the most common are:
One, he is truly having a personal crisis that he wants to fix without the embarrassment of you knowing what the problem is. Let him. Offer to listen if you feel so inclined but let him come to you. Two, he is “talking” to another woman (or two) & feels like he’s gotten himself stuck in something he can’t handle, so he’s jumping ship ( Bon Voyage, player).
Number three, and probably the most common of these, he’s just not into you; And that’s okay. There have been plenty of guys that you weren’t into. Using the “issues” excuse, whether it's true or not, is a way for the dumper to take the blame. Just a different form of the “drive-by”.
Who's Got Issues?
Have you ever used "personal reasons" as a break-up excuse?
You'll Want to Read This More Than Once
I found this to be an extremely witty and easy read. It's pretty short but to the point and will make you laugh even when that's the last thing you feel like doing. The authors, Maryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth Rosenthal used their personal experience so the content is relatable.
Short Story Shorter
There are all kinds of ambiguous excuses used every day to dump people. There is a recurring theme; It can be put into other words but let’s face it, when you decode the reasons, there’s a common denominator- “It’s not you, it’s me”. So, think about it for a minute, or less, because it's probably not you. And when you are dumped and some random, ambiguous excuse is used, don’t beat yourself up. Rise up from the dump and move on. Be the rose you smell like. Here's an awesome guide to getting over getting dumped if you need more help.
© 2017 Erin Stryker