Relationship Advice When Someone Disappears From Your Life

Updated on December 24, 2016
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Annette Sharp holds a BAAS in Behavioral Science from Texas A&M. She is a counselor and motivator with an empathetic heart.



Lack of closure in a relationship is something that can linger forever. How do you get closure? If you both agree that the relationship is over, it’s closure. If there’s a big argument that leaves two people unable to agree to disagree, it can't be closure.

What is closure? According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, closure is 1) a closing or being closed 2) a finish; end 3) anything that closes. Another definition is "to come to an end." Wikipedia calls closure, in the psychological sense, "a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life."

Advice for What to Do Now

So what do you do if you’ve been left hanging? How do you get a sense of closure? I’m going to list my suggestions followed by some great resources I found while exploring the subject. My suggestion is to write a letter to the one who left, even though you may not know where to send it. Then, tear it up or burn it. Consider their silence the closure you need. Inaction on their part can act as closure for you. People make a way to do what they want. Remind yourself that if the person wants to talk to you, they will. It has nothing to do with you, but it has everything to do with them. They’re simply saying "yes" to another part of their life.

So how do you deal with the sadness and hurt?

  1. Stay busy. Renew old friendships & do things for yourself.
  2. Acknowledge your pain. Don’t deny it. Let yourself cry if you need to.
  3. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Self medication is only a temporary fix.
  4. Don’t start a new relationship immediately.
  5. Seek counseling if the pain becomes overbearing.

Feelings of Abandonment in a Relationship

Lack of closure can leave you with feelings of abandonment. For most, closure happens when your significant other tells you point blank: It’s over. Both parties accept, agree, and go on with their lives. Clearly, it’s more complicated and hurtful when you don’t want it to end, but the other involved does.

Finally, there’s the worst scenario: when one individual disappears suddenly with no explanation. It’s more difficult because you don’t know the reasons why. It can leave the abandoned partner with a feeling of being used or "having the rug pulled out from under them." What do you do? Call continuously until you get an answer? Send endless emails & text messages that remain unanswered? When there’s no response, it leads to an increased feeling of panic that you’ve been deserted.

Closure is important because it gives one a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending.

When They Disappear

When somebody disappears with no response, it's not a good sign. It's also hurtful, for sure. Deleting every trace of the person is sometimes the best thing to do, though it's painful.

Think of this: what kind of person comes into your life, takes you on a roller coaster ride, and then disappears? There’s something wrong with that picture. In fact, it leaves you with a sense of complete rejection. Sometimes those who disconnect are never heard from again. They may reappear, however. If they do, that's when one must be strong and not let the person back in again to prevent the pattern from repeating. Otherwise, you’ll be left feeling empty and betrayed again. Unless, of course, there was a legitimate, true reason for the disappearing act, though I can’t think of many legitimate excuses. Can you?

Is He Cheating?

I remember when this happened to me years ago with someone I’d been steadily involved with for about six weeks. We spent a wonderful weekend together, and I thought we were getting closer. Then poof! I didn't hear from him for a week. I called him and left a message, but he didn't return the call. I called him at work. He said he'd been "covered up" with a project. He made no plans with me for the coming weekend. I was very sad and lonesome that weekend. I tried to stay busy, but I had a bad feeling inside.

Then I found out the real slammer the following Monday. He had answered some woman’s personal ad in the newspaper and had begun seeing her! Talk about a slap! May as well have rubbed crap in my face! I confronted him (or tried to). His reaction was, "I didn't want there to be a catastrophe. What do you want me to say? 'Baby baby, come back, I love you?' Cause I’m not!" That was cold and shocking, to say the least. I mean, why the heck couldn't he have just told me he wanted to start seeing somebody else? Sure, it would hurt, but it would have been so much easier. Plus, it would have saved me from developing a poor opinion of him. It was just plain tasteless and degrading. Why not just be honest?

Why the Abandonment With No Explanation?

I'll never understand why some people think that disappearing is the best course of action when you want out of a relationship. It could save a lot of hurt for the other involved if there was open communication. Sure, it hurts to lose somebody, but it's much easier when you're not left hanging, not knowing the reasons why. The end result is a casual brush-off that is demoralizing, to say the least. Especially if you have shared many private things: things you believed were special between the two of you. Then comes the casual "Oh never mind" disappearing act. Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words. Sadly, many people we care for disappoint us in the most demeaning manner. It makes you wonder all sorts of theories. Were they lying all along? What was the true motive? What happened in their life to cause such a sudden change? Why did he/she leave? It is the "need to know" that keeps us from a much needed sense of closure.

Important to Go on With Life

Lack of closure can significantly affect our lives if we allow it. You can't deny the hurt, loss, and abandonment that accompanies an unexpected departure of a significant other in your life. If we can learn to stop beating ourselves up over the "why and how" of the deserting other, we can turn a negative situation into a positive learning experience. Developing the coping skills necessary to obtain a sense of closure can assist us in forgiving, letting go, and moving on.


The author is not a licensed therapist and does not claim to have all the answers. The author offers moral support, suggestions, and urges readers to seek professional help if needed. The author is not an expert on relationships.

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    • profile image

      Nick 2 weeks ago

      The ratio of empaths to personality disordered people in America seems to get smaller and smaller every generation. Good luck to good men and good women finding love these days! They're going to need it!

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 7 weeks ago from The Boondocks

      Dumb Struck:

      I feel your pain, though can't tell you what to do......If she is giving no indication that she will provide you with the closeness you once had, it appears it may be time to move on. But what a wonderful time to remember! Needing "closure" is necessary for some people, like us. If you are hurting inside and feel "torn up", it's obviously something you need to address and put away..I want to share an example, from another article, of a lady who had to say goodbye to someone very special because the relationship 'ceased to progress' and it was obvious it wasn't going to advance. Compatible couple, but he appeared to pull away, leaving her confused. Here is her letter to him:


      I recently told you that I want to be in your life completely, or not at all. I've continued to get “mixed messages” from you when you text and call once in a while, but don't express interest in spending time with me anymore, it's confusing.

      It is tearing me up inside to continue getting these text messages and crumbs of attention from you knowing that it isn't the way it used to be. I won't pretend anymore that I'm okay with it. Please don't send any messages or call. It's best for me to take a complete break from any contact with you. It only adds to my confusion and sadness to get these trickles of communication from you.

      You have done nothing wrong. I know that you don't know how to react and you seem confused, also. You seem very happy with your life now and I will not add any more obligation. Your feelings changed a few months ago and you appear content going another direction. It had nothing to do with me or anything I did “wrong”, it has everything to do with you and where you are in your life. You seem unsure of your feelings and that is absolutely okay. I forgive you and hold nothing against you.

      Thank you for the best time in my life, and I say that with extreme honesty. I have never had anyone be so kind and generous. You were eager to express the love you felt and it made me extremely happy. My heart still has much love for you and I don't fault you for not feeling it anymore. I am releasing you, forgiving you, and allowing myself to heal. I cannot just be “your friend” right now. Maybe I can be friends after a while, but not now.

      Thank you for respecting my wishes. I have missed your company and companionship and will continue to miss you. I've got to move on and not let messiness and confusion bog me down. I pray you can tie up any loose ends in your life before jumping into something else. It sure helps to finalize things. You are and will always be the “one love that got away”.


      I pray this gives you some peace. God bless.

    • profile image

      Dumb Struck 8 weeks ago

      About a month and a half ago I met a woman who I believed to be married but who was nonetheless coming onto me. About a week later, I confronted her with that hypothesis and was told that, while there was a certain obvious attraction, I had misread her meaning and that her committed relationship with her UNmarried partner made a dating or sexual relationship with me untenable.

      That was fine with me and we proceeded to become extremely close, but appropriately non-physical best of friends. It was truly a great relationship.

      About three weeks ago we, as friends, had an intimate conversation where we exchanged certain sexual secrets and inclinations. I also got a confirmation that there was a strong attraction between us and that in another place and time prior to meeting her current partner, we would have likely been sexually intimate.

      Based on the stimulating aspect of that conversation, I later made a renewed bid for having a sexual relationship. She again declined for the same reasons as before. After reflection, I felt extremely remorseful for what I had done and profusely apologized. No apologies were necessary, said she, and we resumed from afar (because I had temporarily relocated) our appropriately light and supportive communications based on a platonic friendship.

      Despite her assurance, I have concurrently been somewhat "needy" due to my current situation and circumstances being far from home. I have had need to reach out to her as a friend for emotional support.

      Within the past week she has ceased all communication despite the most benign invitation to simply drop me a note and tell me how she is doing. Her silence is inconsistent with the entire tenor of our relationship and in contrast to her earlier assurances.

      Her partner has known of our friendship all along, and the three of us attended a play together about a month ago. I suspect, however (but have no proof), that she told her partner about our earlier intimate information exchange and he has, perhaps, forbid her to communicate with me. It's the only logical explanation that makes any sense.

      But I have no closure or any indication that she will likely provide it. I have never been in this much excruciating pain. All I really wanted in the end, was to nurture the deep but appropriate friendship we had begun.

      Please help.

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      Name withheld 2 months ago

      I read this article way too late. The relationship in question was ended 8 years ago and I have long since moved on, however I am now married and having to examine things because it legged an inability to be open with my emotions and a lack of intimacy with my wife. I’m doing better now much better but have a coldness and detachment that still exists. It’s been a long hard road, but I still have anger and resentments that my wife suffers for, it’s not been easy, and part of me has never come back. I’m not as affectionate as I was then. My wife most truly love me or she would have bolted 4 years ago. For anyone reading this who’s been abandoned, life does move on and you will meet someone else. No matter how much you deny that fact.

      The only sane conclusion I’ve been able to come to is that my ex girlfriend was an exceptionally cruel person, I gave her every honorable exit, but she chose to ostracize me. The only wisdom I can share is to comfort others if you’re suffering, it’s the best medicine I’ve found. Move on and don’t look back

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      Chrissie 2 months ago

      I was involved with a man overseas but only online. My marital status was complicated as was his - he said. We constantly texted and video messaged so much. He professed his undying love. I fell badly for him. 2 weeks ago he was to call and suddenly I was blocked. I created a new profile and added him as a friend. He started chatting me up thinking I was someone else. I played along for a few hours then he asked me for a photo. I sent him my own pic. He said he knew it was me - HE DID NOT !! NO WAY !!. He said his wife found my messages and he had to block me that he would be in touch soon to explain then blocked the new name profile. I sent a message on messenger but he has not responded. He did not block that one. I don;t know if I have been played or not but he told me many times he loved me deeply. There was not sex online there was a lot of intimate chat he said he respected me too much for that and wanted to wait until we met. I really feel like crap and duped and played now. It's the complete stop to the communication that kills me its like a death but the fact that he was so prepared to chat up the other girl (my other persona) not even 24 hours after blocking me should make me know he was insincere but I can't get him out of my head. It is truly killing me... :( I am trying to move on....

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      SIKOFIT 2 months ago

      Almost 4 years and and a 3 yrs old who is autistic he has disappeared, his cell is off he hasnt checked his messages checked on his son been seen by or heard from. We fought he walked off that was it. I feel used lied to taken advantage of... thrown away completely crushed and broken. I am not sure I can keep myself together anymore.

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      Lonewolf66 2 months ago


      Ive read some of the stories here and I can't help but write my own... So I met this guy, who is my best friends, best friend. For once i was happy to have dated someone that wasn't from a dating app. Anyways, we instantly clicked at the social gathering in October. After that, we started to text just as friends since believe it or not, at that party I had found out that he had two kids with his ex(wife). Mind you, he was in the marines and is only 22, I am 25. Trust me he is very mature and when hearing this, I kinda just let it pass my mind. He wasn't divorced yet but they were separated so I thought its okay. We continued to just text as friends, then eventually after two weeks in a half he decided to take me out on a date. Thats when feelings grew and we became a couple after another month passed. Obviously he couldn't show me off or add me on fb because he had his baby mama there and well.. its illegal to date someone while still being married. I had him on snapchat and Instagram.

      I felt like a secret at times and was just afraid of losing him. My issue is once I fall for a guy I fall hard. Then I start to have that fear of getting replaced. He told me I wasn't but he couldn't risk custody of his kids because his wife' is controlling and still checks up on him. She is in love still but he fell out of love so thats why he asked for a divorce and because they always fought. Anyways, we went through that honey moon stage where we would talk for hours, see each other and hang out with our common best friend and my friends(who are my best friends too). It was great! Then slowly after a month his life got super busy and complicated. It seemed his wife' was starting to make the math that me and him had a thing because she has our common best friend on snapchat and one day she saw me and him sitting next to one another. Any who, it seemed like he had to keep being more discrete about us.. he didnt want his mom to find out either because she's very traditional and wanted him to patch things up with his baby mama.It was a lot for me too because all i ever wanted was someone to show me off and be happy to call me their gf but he just couldn't because of the circumstances.. He would pick up one of his sons who is the toddler and the other is still a baby (4months) and she didn't trust him yet to take care of the baby so he would take care of the toddler. Slowly, he started to text me hours later and I would trust him that he was taking care of his son because he would send me a snap photo with him. It was reassurance for me because mind you, I have a lot of trouble trusting men who I am involved with romantically. Then communication was bad and we would keep arguing about that . He said he's trying that he just got busier ; works 10hrs a day, then gets home around 7, has to fix his car, clean his room, errands, etc. I tried to understand him but I just couldn't understand why he couldn't just text me it takes seconds to say sorry babe, I am busy ill reply in a bit'. He would sometimes but then at times no, and I would nag him about it. Last month was rocky we would argue, because again I wasn't satisfied with the communication I was getting.. maybe I was too needy? I don't know, I could of been more trusting because at times I would accuse him but that would get him frustrated because the person that he loves doesn't trust him and he trusted me.

      Now to the breaking point... last wednesday he didn't reply to one of my texts. He was at work (lunch time) and I thought weird he should of at least said; ill reply later sorry babe!'. No word, until he got off work he said he needed to see his kids and take care of them because his baby mama was sick', I was mad because he always calls me on the drive from his job to his house or to her house(whenever he goes spends time with his sons) but this time nothing.. finally around 8 he calls me and I said where you actually with your kids? Since he'd sometimes send me a selfie or call me after work so we can talk since he'd be MIA since he doesn't want her to suspect or be looking at who he's texting etc, plus he wants to give full attention to his kids. I mentioned it and he thought i was at work but it was my day off and i had told him on the text that he left me on read on. He said sorry I'm only human ok, i forgot! SO we argued about surprise surprise COMMUNICATION. This is where he said, " we always argue over the same thing, i try to give you as much communication as I can, but its never good enough for you". How, we can't keep arguing, that he can't do this"... I think this is where he reached his breaking point. i understand he has a lot on his plate, and originally had told me how he wasn't planning to date at all.. but I just randomly came into his life and he fell for me HARD. As did I, because I didn't think I would date him, since I always went for a specific type of men'. He told me we had to wait until the divorce because right now he can't give me the communication that I want.. I felt he was breaking up with me which it does sound like.. how he'd talk to me but not in the same way' this is where he didnt explain himself. He hanged up on me since i wanted to cry and kept saying please don't do this, i love you.'' Well in the text he said how this hurts him, and it may be hard but this way he can't hurt me with his actions.. that he needs to face this alone until the divorce. So to me this doesn't sound like a break up but he then never replied to my text... the next day , i had time to think so I told him okay because i love and care about you I will wait.. but does this mean we are still together as a couple just won't talk as much because right now you need space, etc or is this over.. because I need to know.' I send that on thursday the 5th of April.. Now, its april 9th, almost a week later and all I've gotten is silence...

      He's been MIA on snapchat it seems and instagram but I feel because he knows I have him there and I do lurk. But on fb I know he's been active since he added two co workers and all.. so it hurts knowing he's just ignoring my message.(hasn't even clicked on it, since he has his reads on ) We both have iPhones.. so now I am left to wonder is it over? What kind of person that claims to love someone do this? he did tell me before this is a way for him to cope if he's upset or mad at someone by not talking to them but this just causes me more PAIN.

      He had told me until the divorce was over wed be back to normal which is around MAY. no specific date so I wonder if this is his cowardly way of dumping me.. making me believe theres hope. And if i wait for what? for him to tell me that he's enjoyed this time ALONE, and prefers to be single? Id rather him tell me then give me the silent treatment. I know he loves me i just don't understand why he'd avoid me like that.. it hurts. And if he was to contact me idk in another week or a month, what do I even do? IF i respond it'll show his actions were OK but they weren't.. I don't want to reach out anymore because thats just pathetic. If he wanted to talk he'd open my message. I just can't move on and the only way how is by blocking or deleting him everywhere but if i don't know if its over how can i? Or is it? Please help, need advice.

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      Luke Lafayette 2 months ago

      Hi, thank you for writing this article. It hits home and I wish my ex would read it. I am a 28 year old man and last year was left by my ex without getting the closure that I needed.

      Granted, I was the one who broke up, but I did it because the relationship was very one sided. I was the one always running around to make our relationship possible. She was from a different country and she was 9 years older, couldn't work here but wanted to get married and have kids. We lived together for more than half a year. One week after I broke up I regretted it and I told her that I wanted us to keep trying but she told me she never loved me and then packed her things and disappeared, going back to her home country, refusing to give me a final conversation.

      All I ever asked for was to be able to say good bye. I begged her for 4 months in emails to at least call me and let me say good bye, but she refused to do that for me. She just blocked me and what's even worse is that she seemed to enjoy it. It's like she liked that I chased her and that I regretted breaking up and it made it all easier for her to get over me right away without having to look back.

      She was gone and it was very abrupt. I feel like I could have been over her months ago but now it has been 8 months and I am still in pain. Not over losing her but over how she could just walk away as if what we had never even existed, leaving me in a constant cycle of self blame for breaking up and anger towards her for leaving me in the dust after having taken her into my home and being there for her financially.

      Weirdly enough she wrote me on Christmas but only one line and then went straight back to ignore me. I replied, telling her I missed her and that I still hoped we can talk again. Some of the emails I sent to her were extremely depressed and close to suicidal. I was very weak and couldn't hold back emotionally. Now I doubt I will ever hear from her again. I don't even know why I still want to and what I would even say if she ever reached out again. I think I still feel like I want her to validate what we had but she seems to be too proud over how she made me feel and it all seemed to end in a power struggle.

      I hate that she did this to us. And I sometimes wonder, does she even care? We talked every day and shared many moments and now I was left to be ignored and hanging, having so many questions with a shattered self esteem and bruised ego. Was this really necessary?

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 2 months ago from The Boondocks

      Cyrena, I bet it was really personal for him and he just wasn't comfortable with it. At least he gave you closure. Whew! He probably doesn't know why.

    • Cyrena Musset profile image

      Cyrena Musset 2 months ago

      Hi DoNotFear,

      First, thank you for writing this article. I took to the internet because I just experienced one of these disappearing acts and it completely threw me.

      I met a very nice young man on a well respected dating website about a month ago. We went on two very good dates. We got along well and had fun, we event went to a comedy club two weeks ago. He is a bit of an awkward person and seemed shy at first, but when we got talking we seemed to hit it off.

      Out of no where he texted me on Saturday and told me that "this might seem kind of sudden, but while I enjoyed our time together, I don't think this is going to work out for me right now." When I replied I told him I respected his honesty, but I wanted to know why this wasn't going to work out. He ignored me, and ignored the next text I sent.

      I really don't understand what happened. He gave me no explanation as to why he was no longer willing or interested to peruse things. I won't text him again, but I'm not really sure what to do now. Thank you for listening!

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 2 months ago from The Boondocks


      From what you have said, it appears the change happened right after his father's death. That's the link. He's grieving. Amazing how death can affect a person and change their whole way of thinking.

      I have to give the guy credit for actually saying (typing) the words that he wasn't ready, etc. Not many get that response. I believe the guy is in turmoil over the death of his father. And, by golly, he was honest in the text.

      You are doing the right thing and have a great attitude to type the words ' I will survive this.' My heart hurts with yours. Let me close with this: You are a better person for having loved, what a wonderful memory you have! You have loved! And love enough to let go even though it breaks you.

      I've been there, done that too. I was in a 2 year relationship recently that I had to end because he was ghosting me and just would not come out and tell me he was moving another direction. Like you, he was the one who got away. I don't blame him or hate him that his feelings changed. So I released him. I feel so much better since I got the closure. I truly loved this man, but like all humans, he had faults too. It had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.

      Think of your situation the same was nothing you did wrong, it was him who changed. God bless you and I speak peace in your soul.

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      Ayvilis 2 months ago

      Your post made me think a lot, specially when you said we're after a "why" I've been after it but I do realize I'll never have it and I guess that's what hurts, not knowing or even having a clue, the thought that how could you have meant so little to that person?

      I was in a relationship for 5 months, he "broke up" with me a week ago after ghosting. We talked every single minute of everyday for 5 months, we laughed and had fun, never argued, always discussed things and gave our opinions and we were very open with each other. We had an amazing getaway filled with laughter and romance when we came back the next day his dad passed away, they didn't talk and he went into a bubble, we still talked everyday and I saw him 4 times after that, until one day after a goodnight and some planning to go out the next week he never spoke to me again. It took him 5 days from seeing me to determine that he didn't want me anymore, that we weren't worth it at the moment, all the promises and dreams, all the times he asked how many kids I wanted to have and how we should rent that house at the lake in June, it all blew with the wind like it never existed.

      after 5 days of not hearing from him I asked what was wrong and that I never expected that of him because I knew he wasn't built like that, I got a reply after 24 hrs, in five lines of text he said he though he was ready for a relationship but he wasn't, he wasn't happy with himself and it wasn't fair to me for us to conitnue, and that was it, sometimes I thinks it's comical 5 months = 5 lines to end. I'm a happy person, never had issues with self-esteem, I'm most of the times positive, but he broke something inside of me, maybe I gave too much, believed too much, but I will survive this and I will set my heart free of him. He was everything I hoped for, from opening car doors to cooking for me, but in all my life he was the one that hurt me the most. Thank you for letting me know how many similar stories are out there, this one is mine :)

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 3 months ago from The Boondocks

      I'm sorry to hear you are disappointed. Sometimes people just don't respond like we want them I feel your sadness.

      Perhaps there is a clause or something in the agreement to take on exchange students that says they are not to continue a relationship? I know this is far fetched, but it came to my mind.

      Maybe writing a nice letter or card, addressed to the family, letting them know how much you thank them for making you part of the family. Express your desire to see them again and share your new successes.

      If you don't hear from them, maybe their life has gone a new direction. It has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her/them. I know it hurts to know that someone you were once close to is no longer interested in seeing you or doesn't seem interested anymore.

      Do your best to make new friends and attachments. Have you joined a group? You're in a foreign country. Reach out to support groups or counseling through your school.

      God bless you. It takes time to process feelings of rejection. You are important in this life.

    • profile image

      alft 3 months ago


      I am a international student and I used to live in a host family last year. I had a perfect relationship with my host mother. This year I went to college so I had to move out since the college is in a different city. I saw her after the summer (September) and it was nice. Then I texted her few times and she didn't replay. So in December I asked if I could meet her before Christmas? she said yes and we could see each other in the next weekend. I texted her few days before to confirm and she didn't answer me. After five days she answered saying that she needs some time before seeing me again... now in March I re-texted her and she didn't reply. It's upsetting because she was like a family away from home for me, she is like my second mom. What do you think is going on?

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 3 months ago from The Boondocks


      You haven't done anything wrong. He has. Re-read your comment in a couple of days and think about it. You state clearly what the problem is: HIM. Not good relationship material to behave that way.

    • profile image

      Ley 3 months ago

      when this person csme into my life i was in a good place, mentally and physically i was happy. When they entered and gave me 100% i felt there was no reason to hold back so i gave 100% aswell. He told me he had trust issues because his ex girlfriend had once cheated on him during their theee year relationship. I took this into consideration and thought i’d help him overcome those trust issues by being completely transparent with him, i literally didnt hide a thing. Things we good for a long while and this was the best ive ever experienced so i did end up falling for them a lot than predicted at start. Then one day we went from planning our future to arguing that he doesnt remember ever asking me to be his girlfriend or even saying he loves me. Then im being told im crazy and delusional and immature because he is a two years older than me and “knows so much more about life”. We agreed to take a stepback and try to be friends and see how things would go from then. Then one day after he said hurtful things to me we stopped speaking for a while, he texted me asking if i was okay a couple days later and i replied then during that conversation i fell asleep and woke up to him blocking me off nearly every social media platform and not answering calls or texts. Its been 3/4 weeks now and i havent heard anything from him and i dont even know what ive done wrong. If only i knew what ive done or what happened it would make things much easier

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 4 months ago from The Boondocks


      What I am hearing in your story is that this man was unstable and controlling. I know you don't see it now, but it's evident. Anyone who wants to jump into something, that fast, push it, then fall back by blaming you (for not texting in 3 hours) is emotionally unstable and, in my personal opinion, could possibly end up being abusive.

      Heed the warning. This has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him being unstable and controlling. He said you "barely made time for him". Really? what was his example of time?

      Think about this, pray for understanding, and know that this is closure. His lack of response and flatly saying feels I am not ready for a relationship at this time because..." I barely made time for him, and because I would be working a second job that would not be a good relationship and apparently I seemed unsure of our relationship."

      He's gas-lighting you. you.

      He will never tell you it's over. He's not going to, he's too weak. Now it's time for you to think about what you want for your future which now includes a child (that he said he wanted and now says get rid of). That in itself proves his character.

      I pray you make the right decision for yourself and your unborn child. God bless you.

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      Keta 4 months ago

      So this is currently still very fresh and today is a better day, but I have been dealing with severe depression luckily I have good friends who have been very supportive. I have been dating this person for about 6 months , he pretty much wanted to marry me have kids. I was very hesitant at first because he would talk about kids a lot. I am 35 and have never had children and didn't see that for me. I did tell him that but he said he understood, he wanted to get married right away and have kids. I tried to tell him that I saw myself doing that with him but my career and financial baggage was my biggest stress. But we could work towards that.Well 2 weeks ago he just stopped talking to me, his excuse was because I did not text him for 3 hours while I was out to dinner with a friend. I gave him time to cool down and told him I loved him. one week later still no answer to text or phone calls of course I went crazy with the text and phone calls. Finally I got a text telling me he loves me but he feels I am not ready for a relationship at this time because I barely made time for him, and because I would be working a second job that would not be a good relationship and apparently I seemed unsure of our relationship. I told him that I loved him and that I would do what I had to do to prove to him but if he wanted us to end to let me know. No answer. All I wanted from him was to tell me it was over and that he didn't love me. But nope nothing I sent him texts of anger and hurt. Finally this week I hit a nerve because I did say something cruel telling him I compared him to his father because he just left me and with no answer. All this time he wanted to get me pregnant and I found out I was , just this Monday I told him via text, All he told me was to get rid of it and how much he wished I wasn't. That just made me so angry that led me to say mean things to him. I just wanted an answer as simple as " I don't love you please leave me alone" even now there is no answer I have not bothered him. But how can someone who says he loves you and wants a life with you just cut you off? with no real reason seeing how much I am hurting. I got really depressed and wanted to hurt myself. Have not slept much and it affected my work. I have not texted him or called him. But I need closure how can you just stop loving someone. I want to confront him physically and look at his face telling me he does not want me in his life. Everyone tells me if he cares he will look for me. Something in my gut tells me he wont and I feel like I am going insane with no real answer. His silence is the answer I am tolled. But I just want to tell him that he shouldn't do that to people. Specially when he was told that I was not strong enough to handle heartbreak. I know I sound like a crazy person even typing this , makes me realize how desperate I am. I truly feel worthless. Less than trash. How can some one just do that. I would not just leave it with no answer. Before him I was in a 10 yr relationship that we would talk and discuss everything. We fell out of love but even now we are great friends. I finally opened up to someone and let them in my life and now this. I just want to run and disappear.

      But that's not me I am a better person and a good human being. Should I look for him physically. I just want to hear it from him.

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      donotfear 4 months ago from The Boondocks

      To Monacojs!!

      I totally understand your grief. She was in this abusive relationship before and now he comes back into the picture doing all the things that chronic abusers do: lies and control. I have been in an abusive relationship and can tell you that the man has such emotional control over the woman, that it clouds her thinking.

      This is common in relationship violence. This is something in her that is insecure. For some reason, she is holding on the "idea" that he is "ideal". Because the abuse is familiar to her (for some unknown reason), maybe she has been dominated and/or witnessed this type of man..father, brother, etc. Because it's 'familiar', the brain locks on to it and connects it as normal.

      Then you come along and show her how a healthy relationship starts: friendship and fun! She can't grasp it in her mind because it's not familiar. She knows she cares for you, but this monster from the past is still in control. Believe me, I know how this emotional roller coaster works.

      This has nothing to do with you, nor did you do anything wrong. It has to do with her and her own insecurity and connection with this man who, obviously, has no respect.

      Hang in there. You have been kind to her; she will remember!!! Once it sets in she will recognize the comparison between normal and abnormal. I'm not saying she could come back, but what a wonderful thing you have done to give freely to this lady.

      If she contacts you, and my suspicion is that she will, it will be because she is free from the bondage of the former relationship. You can't guarantee that she will respond, but you will be content with knowing that you made a difference in her life when you did.

      And if she contacts you? What a wonderful surprise!!!

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      Monacojs 4 months ago

      I read almost every comment. Comforting to know others have been thru this but also sad to know there r so many flaky ppl out there.

      Now it's time for me to get my story of my chest. Long story short i was dating a woman for about 2 months and it was getting very serious. We never had words, an argument or anything like that. She even said i was the best thing that happened to her in 2017. We went on dates, i used to bring her flowers as I'm very romantic. She loved it as did i. I fell in love with her. We always had a great time. Would talk on phone sometimes for hours.

      The confusing thing is, the week of her disappearance she met my best friends and we all hung out (her suggestion) she had a great time. And that same week we got closer than ever.

      We didn't have sex and that was fine that she wanted to move slow with that. We made out a lot a tho, all very sweet. She knew i wanted a relationship at some point and was fine with that. Things were progressing well.

      Our last phone conversation she sounded depressed. Also, her ex whom she'd broken it off with had returned into the picture. This is an ex who choked her once, crashed her car and had a tracking device on her. The ex knew about me and wasn't happy about us. She told me he begged and pleaded to come back but she was done. She didn't wanna b an abused woman.

      Well he came back (hed been out of town visiting relatives) and she disappeared days later. I Talked to her two weeks ago and never heard from her again. I don't know whether she got back with him or just what happened. I just think it's odd he returns and 3 days later i don't hear from u anymore.

      I left a message and sent several text saying im concerned about her welfare and wondering what happened. No reply. She is alive... i drove by her apt twice and her car is there and was moved each time.

      Im depressed and can't get her out of my head. I still love her. This isn't the first time this has happened to me.

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      Kat 5 months ago

      My brother more than once just cut off communication with me and other family... Him and I were closest... No word just left for years. It was like he died. Broke my heart. I'm trying to let it go.

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      Ed 5 months ago

      I’ve been chatting with a girl for 6 months, she told me I was everything to her and she could never do without me on a daily basis. I gave her £150 for Christmas, we were chatting all last week but Saturday morning was the last I’ve heard from her, she hasn’t deleted me or blocked me on any social media, her phone has been off since sometime on Saturday afternoon, I’ve not heard anything from her since the day before New Year’s Eve, I really don’t know what to think. I really need someone’s advice because my head is going in circles. PLEASE

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      bear 6 months ago

      My brother disappeared from my life. I don't know what is going on with him. Maybe he is depressed, I don't know. I thought maybe he got taken as human traffick/slave.

      He won't answer anything, email, facebook, phone calls.

      I worry about him but the possibilities are endless I don't know which it could be. Maybe he's mad at me?

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      ms. c 6 months ago

      almost 5 years nextyear, but we broke up last nov. 11, 2017. there's no explanation after i texted him. it hurts a lot, because there's a third party. i don't know what to do. until now, i was left hanging and no closure.

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      trytotopthisone 7 months ago

      Live in Bf - of 1.5 years went on vacation and ghosted me on day 2 when i got into a bad accident and went to the hospital. Never came back from vacay - dissipated into thin air and left every last on of his belongings with me. To add the cherry on top - we were one week away from moving across the country.

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      donotfear 8 months ago from The Boondocks

      I've been getting lots of comments about people being rudely dumped, hung up on, ignored repeatedly, and lied to. Remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

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      Judy Ruffing 8 months ago

      I had a three year committed relationship with a 74 year old widower. I am a 77 year old widow. This last year did not have one disagreement. With a 5 minute disagreement he hung up phone And ignored my apologys the following three days. It has been 9 weeks nothing. I was told tonight he has called my girlfriends boyfriend wanting to know what I am doing. I have been abondoned and am now never wanting him to hurt me again.

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      DatGirl 8 months ago

      So I'm stupid cuz I still love my... person(long distance ex/bf/?) and can't seem to get out of depression when he is not around. I messed up a year ago and lied to him about a room mate cuz I was having money issues but I told him cuz I felt bad and he flipped out started just hating me. I told him I can't go on like that he told me he needs me to go across the world to see him for him to trust me again so I did! for a month. It was amazing yet weird but I feel even deeper in love with him. Then I went home and we went on to make plans for our future but then he started leaving a lot when he got mad then he started leaving like about everything and hounding me about everything I'm doing at every moment and telling me he doesn't like my friends or want me to hang out with them and just stating issues everywhere then he will say leave. This last time he left cuz i didn't answer my phone while I was at my neighbors house but I honestly never heard the phone and my neighbor is a 60 year old woman... He just hung up in mid convo and I haven't seen him or herd from him sense. Its mind EFING

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      elizabeth 9 months ago

      liked this guy for a long time we were long distance relationship he promised to meet me and said nice things to me and disappeared why do men do that to women anyway its been a year haven't herd from him and wont answer my emails or letter I sent him would like closure to move on

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      donotfear 9 months ago from The Boondocks


      Why are you waiting? Everything you've said points to he's unstable, wishy washy, lies, selfish, rude, and insecure. Do you want to be with someone like that?

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      katie 9 months ago

      my partner did this to me. we have been together a long time. he talked about he how he really only ever loved me, i was his world, he wouldnt stop loving me. he wanted to marry me. we broke up, kept arguing when we had a rough patch, he then came back, told me he loved me and wouldnt hurt me or let me go again. 2 months later he did it again. he told me i couldnt come around because he was going to drink at his mates because it was his birthday. but he lied, but why? i confronted him over facebook, he just blocked me on everything. my number, on facebook everything. it was 4 days like this, so i said bring my stuff back if youre done and he did. that night he said he didnt love me and left. no explanation. hes ignored me since. but 2 days before that he was spouting how much he loved me and that im his world. he wont give me closure. he left before and said he didnt love me then and then came back and said he did. im so confused.

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      donotfear 11 months ago from The Boondocks

      Adrienne: Wow and wow on your comment. Short, sweet, and to the point. Gotta hand it to ya.

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      Adrienne 11 months ago

      A man disappears from a woman's life with no explanation for one reason and one reason only - he is a coward. Period.

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      donotfear 11 months ago from The Boondocks

      It sounds like he is having inward issues. Let him resolve the issues, on his own. You've verified that he is okay and not in danger. Let him collect himself. And live your life.

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      HP9 11 months ago

      We were good friends for a couple years .. then we became the best couple for a good six months or so ..

      I was never the jealous type nor was I clingy ,, We almost never fought .. and we always understood and respected each other ..

      I fell inlove with my best friend .. after being together for those six months i professed my love to him ..

      unexpectedly i did not get the response i wanted but that i was ok and i assured him i was ok with that .. We were back to normal and everything was great .

      The next week i had to go out of the country for a week and on my last day there . I texted him from the airport telling him i'm on my way back ..

      He replied with a text that said : " I missed you so much finally you're coming back "

      I was so happy i couldn't wait to land .

      When I got home ..

      He was long gone .. into the unknown ..

      I waited for a couple of days i tried reaching but nothing ..

      I opened to one of his social media account and apparently he told the world that he will vanish .. but didn't mention it to me at all ..

      I got in touch with his best friend just to make sure he's ok that's all

      and he assured me he was ok and ever since then i did not contact him or tried to reach him in anyway

      I knew he left me ..

      I don't know why ..

      I lost my best friend and i can't trust anyone anymore .. There's something missing in me but i can't bring myself to tell anyone

      They all know i'm hurt but they also think i'm too strong and have too much pride to show it ..

      but it still hurts after 6 months it still hurts me ..

      and i miss him so much ..

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      foolish 12 months ago

      I was married to a person who I took back twice after he disappeared. This time there will not be another replay of the past. I thought he was on my side and all the while he was lying and screwing another. WOW is all I can say. I must forgive to move on but I do hope when Karma shows up for him I am aware of the outcome

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      Hurt & confused 15 months ago

      I was with CT for two years. Thought we had something special but he's disappeared without an explanation. This is one of the most hurtfull things I've been through. Can't sleep or eat. It's just sickening.

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      Dyeshia Sampson 15 months ago

      I was steady with Kayode Akinlade since December 7,2016. He promised me the world and more the first week. As time went on I grew into his world and felt that he maybe the One. Yes, we stopped talking at least three times I walked away after realizing he really stayed distant from me. At times he seems so concerned with for me then other days he gave me his ass to kiss. How ever, I wanted the life he promised me and the sweet quite moments we had throughout the months.

      Now it's March, I've called, texted, emailed and left voicemail for the past four days ; no reply from Kayode Akinlade. What did I do so bad to a man that fail to respond to me while hurting me deeply.

      Although, this pain is cutting me deeply and leaving me full of emotions. Just like any other poor situations in my life, I know there will be. Guy I meet to love me even better. I know I will get through this experience stronger, wiser and tougher. This situation has taught me how not to trust a man at their words but more for actions. Love should never leave anyone wondering but love should be flawless without perfection.

      Yes, this pain hurts like hell but the good thing is that I will bounce back. Again, I'll bounce back to be a even a more better woman that he failed to see. God has my entire heart in his hand and I know my heart will one get better. Loving me more!!!!!

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      Ladyvic 15 months ago

      I'm still trying to figure out why my therapist of 12 years abandoned me without explanation. After 8 months I called her and she straight out lied to me. Talk about adding to my abandonment issues.

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      Karlie 15 months ago

      I was dating a narcissist, I had to get therapy while we were together and my therapist explained, he is gas lighting you and must must become an ice queen and end that relationship, he is 53 years old and will not change, no contact is the best contact. Well, I just stopped contacting him after all the mess he put me through, he then attempted to assassinate my character by calling my dad 6 times in one day and inboxing my friends telling them things I told him in confidence, so YES, I left him with no notice and no closure, it will allow him time to figure it out. Now he is running around playing the victim. He needs to read this site, but I dot even want to open the door to suggest it. Come people deserve to just be left alone, especially those with a narcissistic personality .

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      HH 15 months ago

      I'd take a break-up email, hell even a text over someone just disappearing from my life.

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      donotfear 16 months ago from The Boondocks

      pip: Don't give him a dime. That behavior is appalling and shaming. Fight for your rights and money!

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      pip 16 months ago

      My husband of 23 years said he needed space, he loved me and please could i wait for him to sort himself out and then disappeared. Nine months later i received divorce papers in the post. I later heard he was living with another women. He has refused all communication since, no goodbye or sorry just lawyers letters asking for money.

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      Angela b 17 months ago

      My partner of 23 years just ran off with someone else on Christmas eve and I am no further forward than I was that night. It is horrible, the roller-coaster of emotions. I have many non functioning days. I have to think that he has problems I did not know about or I will drive myself mad blaming myself.

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      Nick 2 years ago

      Ill be your man Donotfear. Youre obviously very beautiful inside and out.

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      Loving mother 2 years ago

      I was in a relationship with a man that I loved unconditionally but to find out he was back and forth with the mother of his kids. Needless to say I got pregnant with twins and confronted the other woman. After that he was furious and we didn't talk as much but I ran into the other woman after I had the twins, she realized that I had given birth. After that day I never heard from him again! My twins are 4 years old now asking about there father. Today I have so many emotions, I forgiven him but Some days I miss him and hope that one day my kids would have a chance to meet their father. I really want to have one conversation with him perhaps for my own closure without the drama. I no longer feel angry because I no since his father walked away when he was born it is only expected. I have started a new relationship with a nice man but my ex still has a piece in my heart especially when I sometimes see him in my twins.

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      jennie 3 years ago

      Well the man I was talking to he supposed to get divorced and we should be available to continue our relationship but when the day was here I just didn't heard nothing from him :/ why why???

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      Alaine Opilas 3 years ago from Philippines

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Hard cold facts

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      gutsandgrace: I hear ya. Poof, gone. Like, "oh....never mind". Beats anything I ever saw!

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      gutsandgrace 3 years ago

      Run fast and run far if someone is so coldhearted and 2 faced that they cannot even give you the dignity of a breakup. I let a man go off and on into my life more than once and he just did it again- how stupid am I? If they do it once, they will most certainly do it again. So if they come back with lame excuses- kick em back to the curb where they belong. These type of people are EMOTIONAL CRIPPLES and cowards, and users and the only person they care about is THEMSELVES. Trust me on this.

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      gutsandgrace 3 years ago

      I know this is an older hub but it happened to me. More than once. My advice to anyone is if the person comes back- don't let them back in. I did, and he did the same exact thing 11 months later. One day on a Saturday he's telling me he loves me and misses me and he'll be to my place by 4 on Sunday, the next he stands me up and drops off the face of the earth. Painful stuff.

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      ksturges 3 years ago

      Hi all,

      I am a casting director currently casting a new TV show about women dating men who just up and disappear. If this is you or someone you know and you/they live in the greater NY area, email me at:



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      renarabbit 3 years ago from lake elsinore

      A yr and a half with him living with me and he disappeared a month ago and I just found out his # was changed. He has a lot of his belongings still here. My friends and family say I am a fool to believe he will be back. I have started to pack some of his stuff up but I want to believe he will be back...but I am only kidding myself right?

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      Amy Haskins 3 years ago

      I don't know if you're still responding, but I am going to write out a little of my story - maybe it will help just to lay it out that way, even without a response.

      I met my ex 17 years ago and we dated and lived together for a couple of years. It was a loving a beautiful and sweet relationship. I went off to grad school and he moved to follow a job, and we kind of just let the relationship end without really talking about it. I know we both felt a little like our lives were changing dramatically and we just gently let it go. But we stayed in close contact. For years we'd get together again whenever we were both single, and it was always so fantastic. Sometimes we'd be back together for the space of a year - visiting every couple of months. Always super compatible and the sex was great. And each on our own came to the realization that we felt like we were coming home whenever we were together. I think I romanticized this sort of star-crossed lovers thing we've had a bit. Both of us busy with careers, and one or the other of us would eventually get together with someone and we'd move back into friendship. Remarkably, neither of us has ever been truly angry with the other, maybe a little sadness if one of us was on their own while the other in a relationship, but nothing difficult otherwise. It's been something that has kept both of us going through the hard times in life, those lovely uplifting times, and our enduring friendship. Four years ago, we got together in earnest, and have stayed solid through these four years. It has been long distance, still, but we managed to see each other every few months for a week to 10 days at a stretch. This past year, I worked very hard very long hours on a job that would enable me to actually have the time and money to go out to him, or have him come out to me to actually take a month or two of living together in real time to see if the relationship could grow in a more normal set of circumstances (not these one week honeymoons). I was scared because I realized that this could be the end of us, and also scared because it could be the beginning in a lot of ways - the idea being that if we both felt it went well, then I would relocate.

      Well, just in the past couple of months, he started getting a little distant, acting a little different towards me in ways I couldn't quite put my finger on - perhaps out of my own fears, but also in part because I knew he was struggling with work and I wanted to give him space - I also didn't want to be making things up in my head because I trust him to tell me if something's wrong. Something was. He was coming for a visit, and being lovey and sweet, but something in the way he phrased something made me stop and ask if he needed to talk to me before the visit. He ended the relationship. He met someone. It's over, no conversation, no working on it, no coming out to visit. Nothing. I feel betrayed and confused that he never even talked to me about it. After all these years. Just done. And he seemed so over it - even as he was telling me he loved me and wished he had my faith in us and hoped he wasn't making a mistake, he was also saying that he was uncertain if we were compatible or if we'd ever get close (?), and that there was no chance of a future. I just feel so lost. He has always been so very deep in my heart. We haven't had any contact in 3 weeks, and I just feel so alone and sad and it feels so totally unreal. Like part of me can't believe it happened. I so want to talk to him and yet I feel like there is nothing I can say. I am trying really hard to take care of myself and figure out how to let go, but I almost feel like I don't know what that means. He's been in my heart for most of my adult life. And part of me just wants to reach out to him because I know he must be hurting too.

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      Lillyanne 4 years ago

      dear Donotfear, I posted here around 4 months ago about a guy who disappeared on me after 2 years of knowing him, and thanks for your reply. Much appreciated, now guess what, a text from him around 2 weeks ago, trying to make contact I suppose. Bah, did not reply, his words had zero impact on me, and anyway, what's this nonsense of sending texts, it is just such a lazy form of communication, hiding behind your computer and punching out a few words and hoping for what, If you really, really want to contact somebody, pick up the phone and arrange a meet- up to TALK, communicate properly. All this new technology is fantastic but has serious drawbacks in personal affairs. Hey, you can even tweet somebody goodbye now, text them goodbye or go on Facebook and defriend them. Whatever, it all cries 'coward'. In olden days, this would not have been possible. I suppose the point I am making, after much reflection, is that you can move on, forget even but forgiveness is the hardest bit and that is the reason why I will never respond back to a couple of characters of text message. You learn so much in the intervening time. Thanks so.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Mixed Up: You certainly have a right to feel frustrated! How utterly appalling that your spouse would leave you in that situation! I'm amazed that you are so resilient! You've done the best you can do. Over time, the underlying tears will begin to lessen, though always present. Have you tried counseling? Or how about a group? By telling sharing your story, you may have helped many others. Congratulations. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel after a devastating loss like this. Try reading the book 'How to Survive the Loss of a Love'. God bless you are alive, you will survive and bring light to others with your positive spirit.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Nick, your idea for for a meetup is great; unfortunately, it's not possible. I wrote this article because I had this happen so many times and wanted to share and hopefully help someone else. Why don't you get involved in a singles group at a church or other organization? Remember, it's more important to be happy with yourself, first. Don't give up!!

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      nick: It benefits you. The situation informs you that she is unstable and still dealing with a past that haunts her. Hopefully, she will seek counseling. I know women like this. They have a preconceived idea of the ideal man because that's what is familiar to them. Anything other than that, they cannot relate to.

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      Mixedup 4 years ago

      It's 22 months since my husband of 15 years disappeared, he left a letter with no contact information and instructions to sell our home or any support for the mortgage would be stopped. My work contract was coming to an end and within months I had sold our home, left my job and moved country. I relocated had a year off to process emotion and now have a new job and home, although I rent. I'm on holiday having returned to see friends in the old location. I'm doing things I love and seeing people who love me yet there's an underlying veil of tears and a lack of peace. It's not been like this for a long time and yet here it is emotion resurging and unplaced I can't put voice to the source. It frustrating and I feel pathetic I should be happy.

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      nick 4 years ago

      I hope I actually find someone who'll treat me right soon. I'm 33 and not getting younger.

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      nick 4 years ago

      Men and women on here know how it feels to be lonely and get hurt. Is there any way we can meet up and have a singles event or something? That'd be awesome.

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      nick 4 years ago


      Its so illogical. Its human instinct to want to be loved. There was this woman I treated like a queen. I had more to offer her than the man she ran back to in every possible way. She finally told me by phone she had a bad life and a bad, abusive father and she was telling me to give me closure. I never blamed myself but she's miserable with this man and I'm alone and single still. How does this benefit either of us?

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks


      I must agree...sounds rather like a mind game, to me.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Anne, sure, why not write to someone who has left with no official goodbye? If they ignore it, at least you have an answer and you can move on.

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Well Nick, maybe so.

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      Cristiana Paris 4 years ago

      Why do they do that?? How sick is to disappear not considering the other person's feeling?

      My situation is ridiculous and I knew it was coming, I met this Scorpion man online, we saw each other for one year almost every weekend, I have to admit he helped with my last abusive relationship, I got out with his advices.

      After I left my husband we starter to see each other, I knew he was very private person, I am the opposite, I am open minded, he wasn't, I keep going until I decided it was time to move on, so I let him know I no longer could be with a man so private. One month late he came back, calling me and texting me. We got back together, after two date he disappear with no information or break up, I forgot my ring with him, just got with no note or nothing....Miserable human.. Coward...

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      ANNE 4 years ago

      Should you write to someone if he has left you without a word?

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      nick l 4 years ago

      Three words....borderline personality disorder.

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      Anonymus1 4 years ago

      I met a guy online a few months ago by coincidence. Were just acquaintances- semi friendship. Within a few days he said if I ever needed someone to listen perhaps communicate by phone or in person. We live long distance which he wasn't aware of at first. I said emailing I'm ok with and the other two in time. He was fine with that, no pressure. And yes I did tell him I lived in a different part of the country. He has a very busy career. I'm the one who emails the most he responds. My past was abuse hence trust issues. He knows a bit about that , he's understanding if


      Our communication was once a week with him responding within the dame or next day. But one day I was feeling anxious due to past issues and questioned our talking. Because I've been hurt many times in the past- people abandoning me, I would rather someone give me closure than disappear. And yet he never said anything to me that he would indicate it's over. It's that ugly anxious worry that crops up inside of me. Our friendship is new if your going to leave do it now early on. In my anxious state I fired off an email basically saying if he should ever wish to stop communicating with me inform me. I would like to continue emailing but not sure you feel the same? He responded and nothing appeared to indicate no. I felt awful after asking such a thing. Did I offend him etc. I apologized saying i had a rough day full of anxiety and would like to continue. No response. Seven days later I emailed without mentioning the above. He responded. Maybe 12 days passed, I was busy. Sent him another email- basic talk as usual, no response. This particular month is really busy at his work so I tried to tell myself he's swamped. I let another 7 days pass, and decided to test the waters. Also i was feeling quite ill at the time. I told him I had been busy, unfortunately dealing with an illness on my way to recovering. I have info to share with him ( hobby he does) and could send it soon. He responded within 1-2 hours thanked me for the email, hope you recover soon... Rest up....

      I took that as ok were still on par. This week I sent him info and no response yet.

      We have never met, only two to two and half months of emailing. He has responded to 90 percent. I think email communication is more awkward compared to phone or in person. In the past month he's responded twice to 2 emails i sent. Few others no. I have my own issues of anxiety to deal with ( working on that) the type of person who would rather have closure- if you don't want to communicate tell me- there are polite ways of doing it. Walking away and disappearing is more hurtful. With this acquaintance , sort of friendship I find I'm starting to distance myself so I don't get hurt.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks


      If he told her to leave him alone, I would take heed. Why bother with someone who is brushing you off? This answer is plain: go the other direction and RUN, don't walk to an exit!

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      Terry 4 years ago

      My married friend had an affair with her batch mate who is on the verge of divorce after they met after 20 years.They had sex too once. Her friend lives abroad and nowadays he avoids her and always says leave him alone whereas before meeting he used to be always in touch via cell or net.What should she do? Should she part with this guy even though he says he does not want to leave her.She is very tense please suggest.Her batch mate says he loved her from long.

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      summer 4 years ago

      thank you for this article.this is what exactly i needed right now..thank you

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Truewoman, you are absolutely right!

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      Truewoman 4 years ago

      That's the thing that is puzzling me to this day and I think that it will always have me confused. I have been going through my mind over and over of different scenarios of what might have happen. It like I have let it go, but not technically because I am still thinking about what had happened. I just don't want to assume and think that thats the reason why. The silence is not enough closure for me. The writing the long email to him is still not enough. I could keep myself busy all day 24/7 and he would still pop up in my mind. But you are right, he is happy at where he wants to be so why bother him with a phone call. Hew should have just told me why we stopped talking.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Good girl: I apologize for overlooking your comment. First I must tell you how sorry I am that you are so hurt right now. You certainly have a right to your feelings of abandonment and confusion.

      Take a moment to look back and see what may have occurred to make him pull away. Perhaps it was having sex too soon.....I'm thinking it was, possibly, spilling your guts and emotions to a man who was not ready to take it all in. Information overload. It really had nothing to do with YOU, as a person. It has everything to do with HIM, not being able to process your intensity.

      You were not wrong or right in revealing yourself to him. It was what you were feeling at the time. Sending constant, demanding emails and phone calls is not the answer. But at the time, you wanted answers. He wasn't willing to give them. I believe it overwhelmed him.

      Your guilt associated with knowing you were intimate too soon should be a signal for you. Was alcohol involved? You obviously have strong values or you wouldn't be experiencing guilt. He sounds as if he's not in tune with himself. If he has that kind of instability, he needs to work through it.

      Now is the time to pull back. Enjoy you. Don't reach out to him...he's where he wants to be. As much as is hurts, as angry as it makes you, at yourself, it's a reality. It hurts, yes. But you are worth a lot. Get busy, stay involved in activities and do what you like to do. Let him own his own yourself.

      God bless, seek counseling if the pain becomes worse.

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      Truewoman 4 years ago

      donotfear- I'm curious to know what your comment is to GoodGirl

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Paula, this is exactly what I was trying to convey in this article. You knew each other well....and he just acted like "oh, never mind" and walked away. The very fact that he hasn't answered you is proof of the kind of person he really is. There is a huge chunk of sensitivity missing in him. I know you must be shocked at his behavior. It's too much of a disbelief to accept right now....let yourself heal slowly and don't reach out to him. You are right; his silence is your closure. Why not hang out with your friends and plan something special? Remember, staying busy and keeping your thoughts off of the situation is a good step in the right direction. Remember, it won't always hurt this bad. God bless.

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      Paula C 4 years ago

      I am glad I found this article. I have a male friend that I have known for 2 years and I developed feelings for him and it seemed he developed feelings for me because over the summer he was very amorous toward me. I fell hard and then all the sudden, things changed. His life got busier and I would rarely here from him. I always felt as if I had to flag him down to communicate with him. Finally, after hardly seeing or hearing from him, I sat down and composed a letter expressing my feelings and how I needed some closure because I didn't know what we were. I felt abandoned and ditched. I sent the email two weeks ago. I have not heard from him. The fact that I have not heard any response to say: "Hey, it's best we just be friends" has been killing me. I still love him no matter what as he has been a positive force in my life but the fact that he just disappeared hurts me so. I will try to see this "not hearing from back from him" as closure and just move on. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. He meant so much to me and it seems like to him I am just so small and insignificant.

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      GoodGirl 4 years ago

      I started a new job 3 months ago and I began to have an attraction for this guy that I noticed that works with me. At first I was very hesistant about reaching out to him but I finally did when I heard in a meeting that he was in a car accident. I decided to reach out to him via email to see how he was doing. At first it was two co workers beign friendly and professional to each other. We talked via email for maybe a month and a half until I had to ask if he was in a relationship. He wasn't then we began to talk and started to get to know each other. I was laid off from my job right gave him my phone number and email address. When I got home, I noticed that I didn't get an email back so I decided to email him from my personal email. He reached out to me and told me that he wanted to still get to know me and go out for lunch. We Finally went out for lunch 2 weeks later and it was the perfect date and was the happest that I have ever been. He picked me up, opened the car door for me and everything. We spoke at the restaurant and we had a great time. The night ended with a kiss which was what I was very hesistant about because I really liked him and wanted to take my time to get to know him. The kiss was great. So we went out again next week. Lunch and a movie. Later on that evening we got a little close and we had sex. Now its my rule to never have sex early in a relationship especially with someone that I have only known for maybe a few months. After out first date, we were already holding hands. Even Our conversation that I had with him, he told me would it be silly for me to say that I love you now. At first I thought that he was just moving a little too fast for me. But it was funny because we felt the same weay, it was just him that express it first. We also talked a lot about him meeting my family and my son as well. When we had sex it wasn't great. I knew that it wasn't great because I didn't have any emotion of love for him enough to do it. But he told me that he is a very emoitional and passionate person , which I thought was a little odd for a guy to have. I guess that made me feel a little more comfortable about having sex with him. He told me that he has been hurt before. That girls don't see the same thing that I see in him. I told him before we had our date and sex that so what would happen after I had sex with you, you just going to stop talking to me. He said that he had no intentions in hurting me. I'm writing this now just thinking how dumb I was to have sex with this dude when I just fell for his game. When having sex I could tell he was nervous because he was shaking and kept apologising. He even said that he was nervous. The next day I felt so guily and regretful about what I did. We continued to talk the next day. The next day however he came over and hung out with me a little while until he had to go to work. I remember we were having a conversation about something and I was expressing to him about I hope sex is not all that you want. We just watched tv and held hands and kiss the time that he was with me. I was telling him that the weekend that was coming up at that time would be a perfect weekend for us to hang out because I didn't have my son the whole weekend. But his father and sisters birthday he was celebrating that whole weekend. The next day we spoke however I was very emoitional because I just started my cycle and thats how I am around the time of the month. Also I was feeling emoitional because I lost my job as well. I remember asking him a question "what do you see in me...I have nothing and you have more than me". He did because he had two luxury cars and he owned a home. I had a lot as well but I was more comaparing the materlistic things with him. I was afraid of loosing my car, I had no job, no income coming in, and i live with my parents. Then I apologised and told him that I was very emoitional around this time of the month and that to not listen to me. He told me to stay positive. We continued to have a conversation about football and asked what team my family likes just so that he knows when he gets to meet them. He asked about my son and I was talking about how much energy he asks. He told me that he had to go and he wanted to hear my voice. Later on that same day I texted him and emailed him. I just thought oh he is busy and would later respond and he never did. He told me that i could text or email him. That was the last that i heard from him. I didn't hear from him the next day and I didn't bother to reach out because I knew that he was so busy with celebrating his father birthday and throwing his sister a party in the same weekend. The Monday i felt very emoitional and immediately thought that he just used me for sex and started crying and everything. I sent him another email in the morning. I asked him if he changed his mind about me since I haven't heard from him in a few days and said i'm sorry but maybe its just because I miss you. No answer after that. three days later I called from my house phone and he answers. I said "I am calling I guess to say hi". I said that because I just thought that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He said that he was confused. I said that i was confused to. I asked him if he was busy and he said that he was on his way into work annd that he could find the time to call him after he finished a few things. That entire day he never called me backi tried calling him back that evening because I thought that maybe he got busy...nothing. I called him the Satyrday before Christmas because he mention that he was going to Europe during the holidays....nothing. I cried the whole weekend. I just felt hurt. There was so many things that i wanted to talk to him about. I decided to write him an email because there was so many feelings going on inside me that I had to let it out before the new year. So I bascially wrote hima long email just saying how many times I tried to reach out to him and that i thought we had a connection whether it was a friendship or relationship. I was also expressing that I didn't want to call or email too much either because I didnt want to do too much with someone that I felt didn't want to talk to me anymore and I didn't want to walk away until I tried to reach out to him to see what happen and why we stopped talking. I just thought that he was the kind of guy that was a gentleman and was honest but I guess you never know these days. He never responded to my email until this day. I blamed myself for this not working out between us because I had sex with him and thats what guys do its just leave once they got what they wanted. i also blame myself because I thought it was something that i may have said to him. I told myself in the new year that i would call him and i did already twice this month. There was nothing in my mind bad about this relationship, everything was going well. i told him what i wanted and didn't want. i left my sons father 3 years ago and never dated or had sex with anyone since. I was in a relationship with my sons father for 7 years. In that last year i had my son with him and he physically and verbally abusive to me. I told all of this to the guy that I was dating at the time. I even told him that I had a son way before we started to get to know each other. i then again was feeling angry because I could beleive that someone would take advantage of someone that has gotten over a abusive relationship and lost their job. i think about him every single day. I dream about him all the time. I just want to know one thing and that was why we stopped talking. I don't care about getting back with him but I just wanted answers. Even though I wrote that letter out to him, its still not enough closure for me because its again his closure not mine.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Lillyanne: You are so right! Wow! You identified the problem, faced it head on, accepted it and are living with the aftermath, yet moving forward. I'm so impressed with your post here. Thank you.

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      Lillyanne 4 years ago

      I had this happen to me too, a man who had been in my life for more than two years just disappeared, thanks a bunch mate, you went on to your new adventure, whatever it was/is and left me to deal with the aftermath. This was 5 months ago and I am still coming to terms. But a few thoughts..... If I am being honest, it was not totally out of the blue, or out of character, I had seen the wishy washy behaviour, the inability to commit, the back and forth, indeciveness but I chose to ignore it because I was in love and I thought he would come around, but they never do. And the grand finale, he just cleared off, no goodbye, closure. It was like been consigned to the rubbish heap. I sent him a few messages, not a hundred but no reply so I decided to cut my losses and get on with it but it has been hard. I think what is really important in this kind of situation is not to run away from the feeling of loss but rather really acnowledge and feel those feelings and live with them and try and get your own answers and the biggest question I ask is why I let somebody like that into my life in the first place and what is there to learn and how I will ensure that I will not repeat it. As for the disappearing thing, there has to be something ALL WRONG about that and about the person who did it. It is unspeakably callous, ruthless not to mention selfish and immature. Isn't it such a pity to wait until the end of a relationship to get the true measure of a person as the way in which a person ends a relationship speaks volumes about them, all you need to know, but as I already said, I should not have been too surprised, usually we know there is something wrong before this happens but we do nothing about it, head in the sand syndrome. I am doing fine and getting there slowly, rejection like this is a terrible thing, traumatic and I am giving myself the time and space to get over it, but there are days whe I wish that I had never laid eyes on him in the first place, a damaged person no doubt with his own crosses to bear. Sorry for hogging the blog!! Best wishes.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks


      I'm sorry you've been treated this way! How utterly tasteless!

      Think about it, Wayne. She was your long-distance girlfriend for nearly a year then, wham-o! She disappears. Okay, there are only 2 possibilities here:

      1. She died.

      2. She doesn't want to be connected to you anymore because she's saying 'yes' to another part of her life.

      If she died, there is nothing you can do. I trust you have a way of finding this our or not?

      Now, if she decided to go a different direction, how can you get closure? I think her silence, lack of response, inaction and utter selfishness can be a form of closure. It's her way of saying 'see ya' because she's too much of a coward to speak to you about it. So is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with?

      Facing the facts can the the hardest thing of all. Endless emails, phone calls and texts that go unanswered are a waste of time. I'm glad glad glad you removed her pictures and took her off your phone. GOOD. No more contact is good.

      You do deserve to know why, but she's not going to step up to the plate. She's too weak. Do you want a weak person to spend your life with?

      Hang on, Wayne, sunny days are on the way! Get out, do what you want, make friends!!! Kiss yourself, join a group therapy, a 12-step program, a church group...anything to keep you occupied and around positive people. Don't give up!!

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks


      If you aren't comfortable with her relationships with other men, it's something you need to discuss with her in a mature way. Of course, you don't want to come across possessive, but tell her how it makes you feel. If you trust this lady, continue on and see if you can learn how to deal with your insecurities. But talk to her first...she'll never know unless you say something. Go easy......good luck.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Jackie...honey; RUN, don't walk to an exit. This guy was a nut! You are basing your connection to him on fake ideas he gave you. It fulfilled a need for you, then when he showed his true colors-BAM!! Stop making excuses for the pervert. Don't try to contact him again, he could be anywhere doing anything to anybody. Please please please, listen to that still, small voice inside called "instinct" and close the door! Heck, put it in a coffin and nail the lid shut! Your emotional side is hanging onto the crumbs of 'sweetness' he laid out on the plate for you but he kept the cake for himself.

      Get out and make new friends! Treat yourself well, get involved in good things. You deserve don't deserve to be self defeated.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks


      I must say, you are probably right. People gravitate toward what is familiar and if all they know is irrational, dysfunctional, abandoning behavior, that's usually what ends up happening. You can break the cycle but it takes practice learning how to recognize healthy traits in people. It's rather self defeating to continually lean towards the same kind of people. Group therapy does wonders to help....try it.

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      wayne 4 years ago

      I just found your site so you'll have to forgive me as I'm going to vent and for what I might say.

      I was(?) in a international long distance relationship, I'm in the US and she's in Europe. We met online not so uncommon nowadays. After months of chatting/emailing and talking we finally met. We both seemed very comfortable with each other not without some nervousness of course. I knew our situation was different cause of the distance but we both at the time...still tried because we wanted to be with each other regardless. Truthfully, I had insecurity issues that made me doubt at times whether I was the right guy for her but decided to work past it to make myself a better man and in the long term better for us. I had emotionally invested myself into this woman, we both shared intimate details of our pasts and family lives. We were like any couple that has disagreements, commonalities, differences etc but (then) worked towards the goal of staying together. 11 months into a year of being together, she stops all communication with me. She purposely started ignoring me, wouldn't take my calls, no text, no video chat...nothing, unless you call getting a merry Christmas sticker emailed to you that was it. I won't lie, I was desperately trying to get her to communicate what the issue is/why she isn't talking to me - still nothing. I made a plea to her via recorded video to not give up on us but, if she didn't feel the same I'd respect her wishes. Since can't read minds all I asked was just say whether she wants to stay or end us. It's going on January 8 and to this very moment it's like I'm dead to her. I don't understand how a grown woman can just throw 11 months of a progressive relationship without any reasoning or care?!? It'd be different if we were teenagers or very young adults but two grown ass people?!? I just don't understand and the worse part was we were talking about getting engaged later down the road and the possibility of a child. I admit that might be soon and can fully understand the hesitation. But the whole point of being in a relationship is committing yourself to one person regardless of the potential problems that arise work together to get through it. This has all made me feel like a fool, angry, depressed and disappointed. Today i took her pictures and info off my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to try and contact her again. If you say you care for and or love someone aren't you suppose to mean it? I just can't believe this is how she's behaving and worse the way it's ending.

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      ward 4 years ago

      I'm just now finding this, & venting so hope you don't mind reading a lot...

      I'm in a international long distance relationship, I'm in the US & she's in Europe. We met online not all that uncommon nowadays. We met in person & seemed to be comfortable with each other, not with standing natural nervousness. The thing was i knew our situation was different since it involved her being far away but didn't realize just how much of a issue it would turn out. She & I were like any couple with exception to being so far away from each other. The problems started when I became insecure because

      has a lot of male friends and after witnessing very flirty which she she claimed was just friendly.

      The problems came once I started to have doubt's via her having

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      Jackie 4 years ago

      Thank you so much for this and other articles.

      Jordan - I know how it feels. How are things going now?

      I met a man on the internet, who I loved and I thought he loved me (we lived in different counties), but then he started acting odd and distant, then just disappeared never to be heard from again. I thought I was losing my mind, still do. I sent him about 100 emails which have gone unanswered over the past year. I kept apologizing if I had done anything wrong to please forgive me, and i just wanted to be friends. His silence made me feel as if I was obsessed and crazy, but I only wanted him to say something - anything. I can't believe that he could just not give a damn. This guy sent me daily messages and emails for almost three years, telling me almost daily that he loved me, and we should be together. Then he tells me he had another woman, just wanting casual sex with her. Then he said she had become obsessed with him, she lived near him, and he was close to ringing the police. Maybe that was why he pushed me away too? I thought maybe he's dead, and cried and cried not knowing, then I found out he was alive and well.

      I am really confused, and depressed.

      This guy was banned three times from the forum we met on due to harassing other members and verbal insults etc. In private he told me he was a misogynist, but not a real one. But he said he loved a woman - me. Then he starts getting all verbally abusive to me - telling me I'm delusional, telling me to go cut myself like woman do, that he never knows what I'm going on about, that other woman are better than me, that I'm insane, a stalker (I'm not), and then eventually he tells me that the love we had was just my dream and delusion. Then I never hear from him again.

      My emotions were in a constant roller coaster. I'm a Christian single mother of five, I never touched alcohol, but turned to alcohol to feel ok. My faith has suffered. I don't know what to do. I still love the man.

      I still remember the sweet side to him that I saw for a awhile, and miss him.

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      nick 4 years ago

      Are 99 percent of men/women emotionally unavailable/unattainable? I can't seem to find a girlfriend/wife and "girls" who wound up admitting to being emotionally unavailable/immature,giving me closure for rejecting me. Its still a drag because I'm in my 30s already,I'm still single, and not getting any younger. It seems as if unattainable men and unattainable women get and stay together thinking they can't get anyone better.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks


      All I can say is WOW. You have totally laid it out there! And you have answered all your questions. You are totally in tune with yourself and your feelings. My hat is off to you. You have admitted your shortcomings, attempted to make an amends, and are taking the action necessary to better yourself. My friend, you are on the road to recovery!

      Reading your story empowered are being totally honest with yourself. What an inspiration. I'm glad to see that you are in a 12 step program. I noticed in your post you said something about him (your mate) going to Al-anon meetings. You are doing all the right things to recover from this. You don't mention what your career is or if finances allow, but it may help if you could possibly move from the apartment into something new. It would be like a fresh start.

      How about adopting a new cat? It would be YOURS, not to associate with the "WE" from before. Nobody can take YOUR cat away. See what I mean?....

      It does seem that your mate connected with a female, somehow. You know, I think that gay men can be attracted to females, not in the sexual/physical sense, but in the intimate friendship sense. I love gay men, though I'm a straight female. I feel comfortable with gay men, I feel I can spill my guts and be safe. I'm sure he just felt that kinship with her, not to replace you in any way.

      If he lied a lot, it tells you his true character. I'm glad you are recognizing that you are not at fault for what he chose to do. It is his problem. It's amazing that you can point out every detail that pointed to this ending. It proves you can beat this. It will take time, but you can do it. You've already proved it!

      When you get a new cat, name it Donotfear! Take care of yourself, friend. You are all right...!

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks


      to be honest, I don't know what to tell you. I can't figure out why someone who has been around for years would just "fade away". Perhaps one way you could look at it would be to view it as he is saying "yes" to another part of his life; it had nothing to do with you. It was HIM. Think of a friend you may have had in the past who you were very close too, then your lives took different directions and you haven't seen or heard from each other in years. I've had that very thing happen with more than 1 close friend.

      People's lives just go different directions, though nothing may change between the 2 of you. Can you look at it in that perspective, maybe, and receive a bit of comfort? I hope so, you certainly deserve it! I might add, also, that there is not an excuse for bad behavior. Good luck.

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      omseeker 4 years ago

      To describe what I am feeling - words do no justice.

      The story sounds crazy even to me, but here goes:

      I was with a man for almost 3 years. For about 2 1/2, I could say he was fairly codependent. I made up excuses, but I think that's what he was. He basically had no friends - no real friends. Just work friends (he travels for work). I KNOW how he felt because I had felt that in the past with romantic partners. For that reason, I think I made it okay; I understood.

      Looking at my own behavior, and it took me a long while to realize the extent of it, I was controlling. Ego wants to make excuses for it because the bf allowed it. He wanted it. He once said something along the lines of "I like that you keep me in my place." I didn't take it to mean, "Treat me like shit." Rather, I think he could be mouthy with men in the past. I'm not a man that guys do that with. Like I said, I'm sometimes controlling.

      But so was he. In subtle, passive aggressive ways. I don't think either of us was aware of how controlling he was.

      At one point I insisted that he go to Al-Anon meetings because he was smothering me. I wanted him to have friends and a good life. I thought that our relationship should only be part of a good life. The icing on the cake - not the cake.

      So this is a man who I traveled with, opened much of heart to (as much as I could), shared with, moved to a new place with, adopted cats with, made future plans with.

      He met a friend at work earlier this year. They became close in a very fast way. He thought she was hysterically funny; I didn't. But I was glad that he had a friend.

      A friend. One.

      So many things come to me now - why did I not open my eyes to it then?

      I feel ashamed and stupid and then back to ashamed.

      We moved into a bigger place in July (had been living in a one-bedroom with cats). I thought so many of our problems would be solved! I found myself, for the first time in years, actually missing him when he was at work.

      Yet there was the controlling part of me. I loved him. I took care of him. I wanted good for him. But I still judged his mannerisms sometimes (I cringe that I did that).

      He began to get distant a couple weeks after we moved into this place. It was also when he began to work every shift with his new friend (a couple ignorant people have suggested he was bisexual; I would be more surprised at that than if he could fly; the guy is 100% gay). He also texted her constantly. I felt jealous sometimes, and noted it. I didn't say anything.

      I started to feel very insecure and he was pulling away. Believe me, I know that a needy man is not sexy. It was because of my own past neediness that I was able to be compassionate toward his past neediness re: that. I think many men would have left him during the first couple years.

      We had a huge fight in early October of this year. I felt no interest coming from him; rather, I felt some disdain. He had gone from ALL interest in me to seeming NO interest. He also started snapping and being mean sometimes (I'm not an angel, either. I make amends for my mistakes. So did he, mostly. But either I started feeling sensitive more often, or he was snapping more; I'm not quite sure.). I asked him, while he was on a trip, if he wanted to break up with me. It sure seemed like he did. Professing love but not being around are words and actions not matching. That stuff makes me nuts. I think he knew that and started to not care. And THAT really hurt.

      He told me that he had shown his friend my e-mails and text messages and she agreed that I was crazy. I was indignant. I was hurt. That was a bad fight. I cursed at him and insulted him; he did the same. We had never fought like that for the first 2 1/2 years. We had hardly fought at all.

      I profusely and sincerely apologized the next day. I had a spiritual awakening about much of my behavior and changed it.

      It took me a while and some talks with a friend of mine to realize that I wasn't ready for him to have this friend.

      But I felt her influencing him. He was preoccupied with her. I watched them together. They had no boundaries. She took a phone call from her own boyfriend here once, and he paused the movie we were watching and sat quietly while she talked on the phone. It was bizarre to me that she didn't excuse herself and go to another room.

      He had also always lied - little stupid lies - throughout the relationship. People would say, "Jeff, we all lie. You're being too hard on him. He's afraid. Have compassion." So I did. The lies made me crazy, but I "forgave" because of compassion.

      Or was it because I was afraid of being alone?

      Yeah, that was partly it.

      And I loved him.

      I hoped he would change.

      I hoped, with my directness and honesty, he would learn by example, how to communicate.

      My mistake: I didn't accept him with all his flaws. Nor did he learn the lesson I thought he should.

      About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I wrote him an e-mail saying that I felt like I couldn't trust him anymore. I did this because I wanted change - again, from his end, changing his actions to satisfy me - and reassurances of love.

      He responded that afternoon, "I picked up a trip. We'll work it out when I get back."

      I was furious and sad and afraid, but gave him his space.

      But he didn't return from the trip.

      I e-mailed him 4 days later. He replied, "I'm not sending the trip. I'll tell you when I'm coming home when I want to come home."

      I literally laughed out loud at this. It was so juvenile. And thoughtless. I was in shock as well.

      Last Tuesday he came home while I was at work and moved all of his things out. No note. No explanation. He took the cats we adopted together. I begged him via e-mail to return my cat.

      "No. The keys are at the front desk."

      This has been one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.

      I do see where he became more distant in the past months.

      But I never ever expected something like this. We always said we would enter counseling before breaking up.

      His behavior reminds me of someone who used cocaine or has a manic episode. But he can't use drugs because of his job and there was no sign of mental illness.

      I am filled with hate sometimes. Such a rare and dark hatred toward him and the friend (I know him and know he would not have concocted something like this on his own...but the choices were his).

      I watch Jack Kornfield videos and go to 12-step meetings and read spiritual words and talk to friend and write because the only way to get through this - for ME - is to forgive.

      But each day I come home to this apartment, worry about money, and wonder why he left. He gave no explanation. It is a terrible feeling.

      So any feedback or thoughts are appreciated.

      Thank you for reading this long post.

    • profile image

      Loulou 4 years ago

      That last story is a terrible one, really terrible, I feel so sorry for that man to have encountered someone like this. I was disappeared on too. It was a relationship which lasted a few years. He just faded away without a word, not even a paltry text and it was easy as we did not live together. I did not see the signs and it is so strange as he did not seem to be the type of person who would do this, he must have been thinking things that he did not share with me and I guess, took the easy way out. I am not over emotional or a psycho so it would have been easy to talk to me about whatever was on his mind. I always trusted him but now I am wondering all sorts of things like had he something to hide or someone else, had I been too trusting, should I have delved a bit deeper. It is so bizarre. That was a few months ago so I am still trying to come to terms. Tried contacting him too but to no avail so I have stopped and now radio silence. Tell me, what kind of a man would do this? It is truly despicable and will make me wary in the future and that is such a shame as by nature I am not a suspicious person but now there are all kinds of things going through my mind. Any thoughts and thanks.

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks


      You were dealing with a pathological liar. She sounds very mentally ill. To help yourself get closure, I would suggest you read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. I have a sneaky suspicion that she fits the bill perfectly.

      Think of her as a very sick person. She's probably been doing this most of her life. You cannot feel sorry for her to the point that you go running to her to try and "help" her. Her behavior is not normal. Anyone who would go to the lengths she has to emotionally attach themselves is not well.

      Your best bet is to get counseling for yourself to help with the anger. And one last thing: RUN, don't walk to an exit.

    • profile image

      Tomcat1982 4 years ago

      Actually I can attest to a perfectly good reason why people leave and never say a word. I met who I thought was the most beautiful women that I prayed I would one day marry. We had the most beautiful relationship for 7 months and then I found out she was still married and he was working nights. She went as far as me staying with her on the weekends and I guess she would hide all of his stuff when I came over. She had a teenage son that I played xbox with and he never said a word; all went well until my sister inlaw seen him walking out one day ( the hubby I had no clue about ) and I went to where she was, got my stuff and told her I was pissed off and done. She sent me 700 texts in 3 weeks and just went crazy and I remained silent. Fast forward about a year and I was still in love with her so I sat down and wrote her a long letter telling her how bad she had hurt me and that I still loved her. She then contacted me and told me how sorry she was and how she wanted to apologize to my face. So I ended up going out to her house and when I seen her again I realized how much I still loved her and ended up getting back with her a second time considering she had gotten a divorce for real this time. All went well for a while then the she started to lie to me over stupid crap and I left: she then texts me every day for weeks like before and then hints at being pregnant so I finally respond back. She said yes she was pregnant and I went out to see her; she was puking and appeared to have morning sickness. About a week later things did not add up still and I got an hpt so she could show me to calm my fears and she exploded and kicked me out. Then a week later she chased me down and said she had went to a sonogram without me, but did not have a hardcopy and had only taken a picture with her phone of the moniter. She showed me the pic and it looked legit so once again I moved back in with her. This all lasted about a month until I realized she was starting her period and then I found the same sonogram belonging to another woman in another country and I guess she had photo shopped it to look like hers. She drove me nuts again with the craziest texts and started sending me belly pics and it was clear she was putting a pillow under her shirt; my friends seen her at 4,5 and 6 months and she wasn't pregnant. So I guess I was really stupid, but there is a really good reason as to why a man would walk away without saying a word. I have a 9 page letter that has been sitting on my desk for a while and people keep telling me not to send it because she is leaving me alone in our small town; but for some reason even though I walked, I still have no closure. Any ideas on how to handle this considering it is kind of backwards since I am the one who left quietly in anger and full of shame over what she did?

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      I hope you can find closure, too, Cynthia. That was very thoughtless of him to brush you off like "never mind". I hope you will focus on building friendships and stay busy doing fun things. There is no need to hurt him back in any way because you are bigger than his immaturity. You can move on....bless you.

    • profile image

      Cynthia Cuffee 4 years ago

      I got it worse the guy I been with for 7 months after seeing me 3 weeks ago talking to me like everything normal got intimate with me kissed me goodbye than disappeared and also took the extra mile and changed his # I also know he is ok I see he is back online this is the cruelest thing someone ever done to me honestly I'd never be able to trust I wish I could hurt him but he not even worth I know he'll get his one day he has no remorse for what he did truly a sick person hopefully I can move on find my own closure.

    • donotfear profile image

      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Ann, I'm glad to know you are moving on. Isn't it strange how some people come on so strong, then just disappear? I'll never understand it.

    • profile image

      Ann 4 years ago

      This was a very helpful post. I recently have been left hanging and am still hanging actually, by a man who I had been dating for 2 months. Although that may not seem long, we he had already met my parents and we were exclusive. He officially asked me to be his girlfriend last Wednesday and after our great date and his last text of telling me he got home safe, I have not heard from him once. He does not answer my calls or texts. So of course I have stopped trying but I feel extremely upset about it all. I was looking up some things to help me get over this all and I found this post. It really made me feel better. So thank you :)


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