Annette Sharp holds a BAAS in Behavioral Science from Texas A&M. She is a counselor and motivator with an empathetic heart.
Lack of closure in a relationship is something that can linger forever. How do you get closure? If you both agree that the relationship is over, it’s closure. If there’s a big argument that leaves two people unable to agree to disagree, it can be closure.
What is closure? According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, closure is 1) a closing or being closed 2) a finish; end 3) anything that closes. Another definition is "to come to an end." Wikipedia calls closure, in the psychological sense, "a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life."
Feelings of Abandonment in a Relationship
Lack of closure can leave you with feelings of abandonment. For most, closure happens when your significant other tells you point blank that it’s over. Both parties accept, agree, and go on with their lives. Clearly, it’s more complicated and hurtful when you don’t want it to end, but the other involved does.
Finally, there’s the worst scenario: when one individual disappears suddenly with no explanation. It’s more difficult because you don’t know the reasons why. It can leave the abandoned partner with a feeling of being used or "having the rug pulled out from under them." What do you do? Call continuously until you get an answer? Send endless emails & text messages that remain unanswered? When there’s no response, it leads to an increased feeling of panic that you’ve been deserted.
Closure is important because it gives one a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending."
When They Disappear
When somebody disappears with no response, it's not a good sign. It's also hurtful, for sure. Deleting every trace of the person is sometimes the best thing to do, though it's painful.
Think of this: what kind of person comes into your life, takes you on a roller coaster ride, and then disappears? There’s something wrong with that picture. In fact, it leaves you with a sense of complete rejection. Sometimes those who disconnect are never heard from again. They may reappear, however. If they do, that's when one must be strong and not let the person back in again to prevent the pattern from repeating. Otherwise, you’ll be left feeling empty and betrayed again. Unless, of course, there was a legitimate, true reason for the disappearing act, though I can’t think of many legitimate excuses. Can you?
Is He Cheating?
I remember when this happened to me years ago with someone I’d been steadily involved with for about six weeks. We spent a wonderful weekend together, and I thought we were getting closer. Then poof! I didn't hear from him for a week. I called him and left a message, but he didn't return the call. I called him at work. He said he'd been "covered up" with a project. He made no plans with me for the coming weekend. I was very sad and lonesome that weekend. I tried to stay busy, but I had a bad feeling inside.
Then I found out the real slammer the following Monday. He had answered some woman’s personal ad in the newspaper and had begun seeing her! Talk about a slap! May as well have rubbed crap in my face! I confronted him (or tried to). His reaction was, "I didn't want there to be a catastrophe. What do you want me to say? 'Baby baby, come back, I love you?' Cause I’m not!" That was cold and shocking, to say the least. I mean, why the heck couldn't he have just told me he wanted to start seeing somebody else? Sure, it would hurt, but it would have been so much easier. Plus, it would have saved me from developing a poor opinion of him. It was just plain tasteless and degrading. Why not just be honest?
Why the Abandonment With No Explanation?
I'll never understand why some people think that disappearing is the best course of action when you want out of a relationship. It could save a lot of hurt for the other involved if there was open communication. Sure, it hurts to lose somebody, but it's much easier when you're not left hanging, not knowing the reasons why. The end result is a casual brush-off that is demoralizing, to say the least. Especially if you have shared many private things: things you believed were special between the two of you. Then comes the casual "Oh never mind" disappearing act. Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words. Sadly, many people we care for disappoint us in the most demeaning manner. It makes you wonder all sorts of theories. Were they lying all along? What was the true motive? What happened in their life to cause such a sudden change? Why did he/she leave? It is the "need to know" that keeps us from a much needed sense of closure.
Advice for What to Do Now
So what do you do if you’ve been left hanging? How do you get a sense of closure? I’m going to list my suggestions followed by some great resources I found while exploring the subject. My suggestion is to write a letter to the one who left, even though you may not know where to send it. Then, tear it up or burn it. Consider their silence the closure you need. Inaction on their part can act as closure for you. People make a way to do what they want. Remind yourself that if the person wants to talk to you, they will. It has nothing to do with you, but it has everything to do with them. They’re simply saying "yes" to another part of their life.
So how do you deal with the sadness and hurt?
- Stay busy. Renew old friendships & do things for yourself.
- Acknowledge your pain. Don’t deny it. Let yourself cry if you need to.
- Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Self medication is only a temporary fix.
- Don’t start a new relationship immediately.
- Seek counseling if the pain becomes overbearing.
Important to Go on With Life
Lack of closure can significantly affect our lives if we allow it. You can't deny the hurt, loss, and abandonment that accompanies an unexpected departure of a significant other in your life. If we can learn to stop beating ourselves up over the "why and how" of the deserting other, we can turn a negative situation into a positive learning experience. Developing the coping skills necessary to obtain a sense of closure can assist us in forgiving, letting go, and moving on.
© 2009 Annette Thomas
Quiros08 on June 24, 2020:
I was dating the same woman for 10 years we have finally started talking about babies she was to move in permanently in a few weeks and this past weekend I left to se my daughter for fathers day weekend. From the moment I left she was out of the door with other men I found out after I worried I have not heard from her. she never returned home on Tuesday she came and took all her stuff from the house when I was at work. blocked me in all social media. just days before all seem it perfect and loving I'm at a loss of words
I realize she had been doing and seeing other men behind my back I belived her every time she denied
Heart sick on March 13, 2020:
Raymond:. I experienced the same, and my relationship lasted over a YEAR! He left with no goodbye or explanation. I am healed now and realize I deserve someone who respects me more than that. My advice to you is :. Stop calling and texting. Stay busy with work, family, friends, exercise and even volunteering if you can. Keep reminding yourself that anyone who could hurt you this cruelly is not worth having or crying another tear over. I am with a wonderful man now. When you are healed, allow yourself to open your heart again. You will find that the new person is so much better than the one that hurt you. Best wishes.
AROP ADEN on March 12, 2020:
never totally put your trust in someone
Raymond James on February 18, 2020:
Im going through a vanishing acted.
About 3 weeks nothing. I try to call. But not all the time. I text but once a day.
Nothing. Its hurts bad. I cant get it out of my mind it consumes most of the day. I get sad then mad then worried
Lots of crying.
I would never do this to anyone. I now understand why its so wrong to do.
The hurt is way worse then a break up.
Even in a death you get closure.
Thank you for letting me share
Hey OM! on September 22, 2019:
And you are only looking at YOUR side. You are with a possessive, clingy person. That's different.
OM on August 18, 2019:
To the author of this post you are just looking at your side of the picture and hurt of being abandoned!! The truth is when you are in a relationship that partner is extremely possessive, violente when you don’t do her will and is mentally unstable, your only option is to slink out in the middle of the night. I am i this situation right now, I have come and told her up front that I want to leave and she locks the doors, arms herself with knives and does all sorts of mind games, threatening to blackmail my family, send people to vandalize my family’s home. So the best option is DISAPPEAR
Mlssufan01 on July 24, 2019:
I pulled the disappearing act because she she has a boyfriend. At one point tbey broke ho and we agreed to coffee then she blew me off to be with him. So i left. She still tries to contact me though shes with him.
Shaka on June 22, 2019:
Awesome advice. Wish we could calculate emotions
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on May 23, 2019:
Wow, sure hate you went through that....it's devastating. And thanks for your input. This article is in reference to those who just up and "ghost" you for no reason. You had a legitimate reason for ducking out..
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on May 11, 2019:
Looks like your'e dealing with a man-child with an unhealthy attachment to an abusive mother. Try getting some input from a trusted professional
What are you getting out of this? You can start over again......why not? If his issues are this deep seated, it may be best to cut ties.
Say grace over it, meditate, and look at the situation through different colored glasses. You can do this!
Tee on May 08, 2019:
Hey, I wanted to thank you for this article it is every thing I'm feeling, it's been 5 months since my ex used the excuse I have to get my life together n I never heard a thing from him again, we live attached to one another in a set of two town homes he lives with his mother who blanently hated me from the start only n only when she needed to use me for something she would put a fake act on as if she liked me but I always knew she didn't for reasons unknown I'm a college graduate I am a nurse out of work at this time due to chemo for bladder cancer both in which they know. His mom has said things to me such as get a job you loser which I'm the farthest thing from to actually saying to me as well when we were together that she couldn't understand y he cares for me n my family so much were nobody this is also a women who called the police on himat least ten times and had him sent to 72hour psych hold in which he called me everyday when that occurred he told me so many deep deep things that's she's done over the years to ppl n him n I truly felt awful for him n wanted to do nothing but bring joy to his life Ashe did bring joy to mine by being there showing me affection countless ly explaining on a regular basis how much I meant to him n how his mom would never come between us. Well she did however she convinced him she got him away not that far considering I see him everyday which lingers so much hurt still bc we spend literally every single day together for 11 months. I most likely sound pathetic but how can I go a forward from here?
Glamazon on April 30, 2019:
The reasons to leave like a thief in the night are vast...and often very legitimate!!! To the author who wrote this post, I’m actually shocked and amazed that you seriously couldn’t think of any good real solid reasons why someone would just up and leave. I personally can sit think of several because I’ve been there. It’s called spending almost 3 years with someone who fills your head with nothing but promises and words of affirmation and then you come to find out they’re constantly knocking on their toxic ex-girlfriend’s back door when things between you get rough. Sometimes people get to a point when they realize they’ve only got one ace in the hole left, and that’s to simply look out for ourselves and exit without a trace. It worked for me and I’ve never slept better!!!
Ines Tonk on April 23, 2019:
and if that happens after 3 years of relationship? how crazy is that?
Joanne Gee on March 31, 2019:
As painful as a break up is..whether we get the answers or not..or the reasons why the person just got up and left.. we have to think of our well being..and block that person from our mind..and from our heart. Its not an easy thing to do, but its a must. Just like that person left and didnt take into account your feelings..we need to do the same. Keeping busy helps. Getting rid of that persons things also helps. But above all putting yourself first and your well being is a must. If that person did care for you and me.. they wouldnt have left in the first place.
Pod on February 20, 2019:
this doesn't really answer my question, and im a boy buy heres what happened: When i was 10 i had a friend named maya. she asked me out and i said yes but a week later she never came back. still to this day, i am still looking for her.
Den on February 14, 2019:
A month a go before going to US to do some work I spent time with my boyfriend. Just when I came back, we agreed to meet each other Saturday of January 12 but I was too tired due to get lagged and so he offered to see me next Saturday which is January 19. That day of January 19, i forgot it was my sister in law birthday and told him that I can't see him because of that. Afterwhich he never responded to my text messages. I assumed its another silent treatment i get from him. So i thought OK maybe he needed space. I gave him 2 weeks time to think and have the space he needed on the 3rd week February 5 i reached out and message him. Sent him random text messages in a day asking how is he doing and telling him I missed him. I continued doing it till yesterday February 14. Hoping I will get a reply back but sad to say no message still. I opened my FB though he is not my friend I saw he updated his profile photo last Feb 13 and responded to comments there. It means he is using his phone. This morning Feb 15 i check on him on viber to check for time stamps and saw that he was online till 1AM. In our scenario silent treatment is evident but I really hope that he can just send me a message and tell me that he decided to end the relationship. Should I still wait for a text or even a call from him?
Im so disturbed already.
Rosie on February 08, 2019:
Hi Annette, thank you for the article, it's very helpful. I was with someone for 5 years when he suddenly disappeared. It's surely the cruelest way to break up with someone! I was in a lot of pain and totally heartbroken. I thought if I could only have closure, I'd feel better and could try to move on. He came back 5 months later, on Christmas Eve, apologising and wanting to start the relationship again. I found out that he was with someone else all that time, but it didn't work out with them. I sent him away and blocked him everywhere. I've learned that even though I finally got closure, it really didn't help. I didn't believe most of what he said anyway, and it didn't relieve the pain. I've also learned that people who can just disappear like that lack empathy and only care about themselves. They are probably narcissistic. Anyone going through this pain right now might feel better if they learn about narcissism. You will see that their leaving you is truly a blessing and that you deserve so much better!
Lena C. on February 07, 2019:
He does not want children but you do. It has nothing to do with whether you've pressured him as such difference is a major deal breaker in any relationship. People rarely change their minds about children at 40. His answer "he needs time to think" is basically telling you this calmly. His way of ending the relationship is bad but it could be a lot worse especially you both enjoy each other's company by dragging it on.
Think about it objectively, you are the one on a time constraint when it comes children. He could have kept the relationship going (it doesn't hurt him) to "think about it" but he ended immediately, albeit badly when he didn't tell you.
His method is cruel but he did you a favor.
Faith on February 04, 2019:
About two weeks ago, my now ex boyfriend I guess just disappeared on January 20th. This is a long and complicated story, but he broke his wrist back in August last year. We were dating since July last year and I stayed with him during his surgery. Before he surgery, while we were getting to know each other, he admitted to me that he had a problem with heroine in high school. He's 26 now. Anyways he started taking the codeine for the pain from his surgery and became hooked. He didn't tell me but I figured it out from all his ups and downs. He broke up with me a total of 3 times last year and now this is the fourth. The longest breakup was a month which was two days before my birthday (November 25th). I contacted him after my finals were done on December 18th and he was so thankful to have me back in his life and explained how he wanted to contact me but didn't know how. Things were going well until he told me that he promised he wasn't breaking up with me, but he really needed to tell me something. He admitted to abusing the codeine and taking it when he wasn't in pain, but only taking one or half of one. He came up with the idea to flush the pills, but I knew he didn't. I didn't want to upset him so I just tried to be there for him and support him with love because I didn't know what else to do. Since November last year, he has been having seizures and frequent bloody noses. Now starting just this month he has a lacerated kidney, which is pushing on his bowels so he's bleeding through his bowels. On January 20th, he was supposed to hangout with me, but instead lied and did drugs because I went towards his house and he was the most messed up I have ever seen him. I am also concerned because he met a girl at his sisters birthday dinner on January 19th, but he literally just met her so I think it was the lie. I don't know if he's also interested in this girl. All I have done is try to help him and be there for him. I am so torn apart. I can't handle my emotions anymore.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on February 02, 2019:
I don't understand why he responded this way. How devastating! It's so sad to lose someone like this. Really cold to send your stuff with no note. I give you a thumbs up for being so nice and requesting your things back. If he is that cold blooded, I would only guess how he would be as a mate. Try to think of the good things you got out of the relationship. I recently had a 2 year relationship that I ended because he was pulling away, but not quite. You know, doesn't feel the same way but won't tell you either.
Dear, you got this and going to counseling to process your feelings is healthy.
gerrd on January 29, 2019:
oh i can find an legitimate excuse ok my dads been going through cancer treatment now is his second time in 1and half years . and this girl thinks i have abanded her . i think my dads life comes first. to be honest these people some times dont care about any thing else .they never ask you if theres any thing wrong all they thik of is themselves . i have experieanced this not once have i been asked if im ok or is there some it wrong
Heart sick on January 27, 2019:
I'm 37 and dated a guy (age 40) for 14 months. We spent every weekend together along with some weekdays, vacations, and family functions. He treated me with the greatest respect. I want kids and thought it was only fair after 14 months to ask if this relationship was leading anywhere. I calmly stated my desire for children, the risk of birth defects with an older mom, etc. I did not issue an ultimatum or pressure him. He did not appear upset and said he needed time to think. I never heard from him again. I realized I had left some items at his house, so after 2 weeks I sent a message requesting them back and I thanked him for his many kindnesses to me. I eventually received the items in the mail but without any note! No "thanks for the good times, sorry I can't commit", NOTHING! I was with this man for over a year and wasn't worth a final conversation or goodbye. I know some may say I dodged a bullet, but I am really having a hard time reconciling this man who was so good to me with the one who left with no explanation. I know he wasn't seeing anyone else. He was with me almost daily, introduced me to his parents, aunts, grandma, etc. Counseling hasn't helped. I really wish some of the people who do this would respond to some of these stories to give us insight. I am heartbroken. Thanks for listening.
EricRodgers on December 20, 2018:
This girl I was seeing for 4 months in exclusive relationship cheated on me and didn’t tell me but I knew from her friends Snapchat stories she was distant in texting after I texted her the day after and kept ending the convos saying she wasn’t feeling good, then I just stopped texting her after I tried to ask her to go out to eat so I could confront her she never got back to me and we stopped talking, it’s been about 4 days since she cheated with no contact and she texted me saying hey then 5 min later says never mind sorry.She never let me know it ended but it’s over, I’m not sad just disappointed that everything we had was just a waste of time thinking we had something and she didn’t even bother to tell me we’re done. I tried to split things with her before and she sent me a paragraph and we made up and talked, and she can’t even do the same for me. Btw she cheated by going to a festival then meeting a famous insta guy and going back to his hotel and spending the night her friend spilled the beans because she felt for me and knew what she did was hurtful I’m not mad at the fact she cheated just how it ended,I would’ve done the same in her shoes I’m not a hypocrite but at least have a heart to heart conversation.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on December 04, 2018:
Are you okay just being friends now? Wanted to make sure. If it would be too painful to just 'remain friends", don't do it. It appears he is afraid of commitment or he just doesn't have the same feelings . Who knows? At least he relayed some of his feelings . I heard the very same thing last year. I think people's feelings just change, for whatever reason, maybe realizing they are wanting to be happy with themselves doesn't necessarlly mean they have someone else. It hurts like hell. For sure. I would leave it in his court.......if no word in a month, send a message, hi...how are you? ONLY if you are okay with it. If no response will send you into a sadness/depression, don't do it. If a mild response would make you hope for crumbs, forget it. I just don't know. I just recently went through this.
Amy on December 03, 2018:
Your article does help a lot with my current pain!
We started dating 3 months before he disappeared and things were good with him indicating serious intentions for us. We've known each other for few years are were relatively close friends before. On our last date I told him I cared about him and we had the exclusive discussion. He told me he would never just vanish on me... and then he did. He cancelled our next date and in the next couple of weeks his texts became less and less so I stopped replying at all. I got a text last week saying he is sorry he hasn't been in touch but had a lot going on - as much as some of the things were relatively serious - work stress the rest of the list were daily routine issues and more of an "I am too busy to fit you in my life" excuses. He finished by saying "It's just not a good time". All I replied was that I hoped everything will get better and that I understood and that was the last communication we had.
I am hurt, but at the same time I don't want to lose our friendship. I know that he does have commitment concerns due to a failed marriage and assume that this and the work stress contributed to him getting the cold feet. But I do want a closure and potentially getting back to where we were before dating. Should I reach out one last time and tell him I hope we can keep in touch or leave the ball in his court and let him to reconsider hopefully?
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on December 02, 2018:
Why do you keep giving him chances? His pattern is to not show up. That speaks for itself. Why are you wasting your time with this jerk? Good grief, he's a loser. You will never get an explanation from him because he doesn't care.
Stabby991 on December 01, 2018:
There is this guy I’m seeing I like him a lot even tho we only met once he is shy and I’m ok with it .. I always tell people just be yourself . Whenever I try to make plans with him he says yes and then the day of the event he just disappears and it’s not the first time !! I gave him many chances to forgive him but yesterday it took a toll and he betrayed me again I feel very hurt now and he still hasn’t given me an explanation
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on October 14, 2018:
He obviously wants to be left alone right now. Chemo does strange things to you and when dealing with a life threatening illness, it can make you very mood.
I would back off and not contact him at all. Maybe wait a few months, then reach out to see how he is doing.
Fanny500 on October 13, 2018:
I was dating a guy casually for a few months. About a month into dating, he told me he had been diagnosed with cancer - which I accepted and told him I am here for him.
Everything was going well during his 1st round of chemo. Then after his 2nd round, he started getting a little distant but we still talked. I then gave him about a week of space and then contacted him to see how he was feeling and he was receptive.
Then, right after his last round of chemo he blocked me on all social media and when I asked him for an explanation he said to stop asking him.
Why would he do this?
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on October 11, 2018:
I'm so sorry!!!!!!
Look at this situation through these glasses..............she is not saying NO to you, but she is saying Yes to another part of her life. It's not you, it is her. You are still wonderful. She changed. Think of how a butterfly begins, in a cocoon ...it is a caterpillar and morphs into a butterfly. Your lady morphed into someone else, not the person you fell in love with.
You have potential to do great things now. Reach out to others. You will survive. You are alive.
Rash on October 07, 2018:
She left me after a 8 years relationship (2 Years Engaged). She went abroad to continue her studies, and after a couple of months, she started behave differently (No passion or that desire to talk to me). She started disappearing days, and suddenly boom!. "I don't want you, we need to breakup. My life is so complicated now, and I can't continue this relation".
After so many emails begging and crying, she started shouting on me saying "There is no love anymore in my heart, leave me alone".
This completely destroyed me. As if it is another person, not the one who we have been together for years.
It has been now more than 5 months, and I really don't know what happened, why she did she change? why did she stop loving me?
I'm really depressed, and can't find that closure.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on September 29, 2018:
Very good question, lili!!!
Do it and see what happens. I'm curious to know what happens.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on September 29, 2018:
All I can tell you is to read through the comments and experiences of others & how they overcame. Allow yourself to grieve this. Don't chase her....she is merely saying yes to another path. So sorry for your pain....you can do this!!
lili on September 27, 2018:
I wonder what could be the reaction of the disappearing person if I just popped up at his door after some time passes and just ask politely for the closure....?
Help on September 22, 2018:
My fiance left me 11 days ago after 5 years together. We had our ups and downs but always go through it. She left and havent had any communication she blocked me on everything except email. I email her to let her know i still want this and she keeps them all. If she doesnt want me why does she keep them?
How do i get past this when will the pain stop?
Kiran on September 15, 2018:
He left me few weeks ago and now i m constantly feeling that something is killed inside me to over come this pain i start reading bible it healing me to some extent and i m looking forward to overcome this pain
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on September 15, 2018:
I don't blame you a bit.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on September 15, 2018:
He's obviously developed a patter of abandonment. Somebody needs to call him down on his behavior.
Smarmy2 on September 13, 2018:
18 years for me and I'm still not ready to date again.
CeeCee on September 09, 2018:
I let this man come in to my life a second time and he did the same thing again disappeared without telling me why am I stupid I really thought it was going to work out this time
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on August 08, 2018:
That is really strange. Glad you are accepting and moving on.
maggie1212 on August 07, 2018:
4 years ago he came in like a whirlwind and swept me off my feet. Said he wanted to marry me blah.
Love songs... words like crazy...
After about 2 months it slowed down and he stopped mentioning marriage and the heavy love talk stopped too.
Long distance relationship but he called me every night and we would talk for hours. He said I was his rock, love of his life blah.
He left here in July and things were great as they always are between us.
But then 2 weeks later, out of the blue, he just stopped calling. I tried to contact him at first but quickly realized that he just was over it!
Very hard to believe since he had just been here and was very affectionate and loving. Just wow. I didn't get closure from him but I am getting it for myself. After only 3 weeks after being dumped, I am doing so much better!
I loved this man to the core. Loved him immeasurably.
What I loved was not the real thing though. He was just an illusion. Because he couldn't have done this had he loved me. So that is how I am getting closure.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on July 31, 2018:
Sounds like you are still bitter and resentful. This was an exception, of course. Nobody is saying this is the way it always happens. Why are you lashing out at this article? I see anger written all over your post. You left because you had to. No victim stance here.
"Articles like this one presume the one who was left is a victim.".....NO.
It only applies to circumstances when a normally functional relationship suddenly ends,with one ghosting the other and leaving unexpectedly. It has nothing to do with your situation.
Gregory, CA. on July 30, 2018:
"Unless, of course, there was a legitimate, true reason for the disappearing act, though I can’t think of many legitimate excuses. "
Actually, I can think of many, including mine. I just ended a dysfunctional long term relationship after my girlfriend's behavior caused her to injure herself so badly I had to get her to the ER via 911. Her toxic immaturity, alongside an untreated mood disorder, broke me. I'd been supportive. We'd been going to couples therapy and yet nothing improved. After she put herself and me in jeopardy,, I didn't stick around to hash this out yet again face to face, and I didn't just walk away to disappear, I ran. Articles like this one presume the one who was left is a victim. Big mistake. And, hey, where's my "closure"?
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on June 25, 2018:
i am in same...............
He got scared and bolted, it sounds like. Five weeks is not very long to be planning a marriage. It takes a long time to get to know who somebody really is. You found out BEFORE you were married, thank goodness.
If humans came equipped with an on/off switch, you could turn off your feelings. But since we don't, you know there is no set time on how long it takes to get over a relationship. Let yourself heal and talk to someone you trust about what happened. You will be surprised how helpful it will be. Good luck.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on June 25, 2018:
Pinkie, he left.
He changed his mind or maybe he was an imposter. It happens far more than you think. Why not seek counseling to deal with your feelings of rejection? I think your studying is a plus for recovery. I feel your pain. When somebody comes into your life and shares a closeness, it's hard to believe that they don't feel that way anymore. But it happens daily. You are not alone. Keep studying and please reach out to a professional or trusted friend about your inability to concentrate. God bless.
i am in same situation on June 24, 2018:
5 weeks relation , then disappeared suddenly while making future arrangements for marriage , 6 weeks weeks passed since he left and still I feel depressed inspite I am busy at work day and night
What is your advice ?any average time for forgetting such a relation?
Pinkie on June 22, 2018:
Hi there. So basically I've been messaging this guy for three months. It was kind of a long distance thing between us. We had a mutual understanding and agreed to only go for a serious relationship when we meet in person. All was well and good and he's just such a sweet and very caring guy. Then next thing I knew he deleted his social media accounts that we used as connections. Idk what happened. I can't focus on studying for the board exams well...what should I do?
Sean on June 20, 2018:
So, my friend and I have been really close for 5 years. All of my friends and even strangers thought we were dating for our first 3 years of friendship (year 4 we were kinda separated due to work and time constraints, etc, we reunited tail end of 2017) I told him how I felt about him at the end of 2016 after basically a year of little to no contact. I told him how he made me feel, and that I thought our year apart was good for the friendship because I didn't want to lose him as a friend. And his response to my first outpouring of my heart was "woah ._." And I was completely embarrassed and scared. I mean, I woke up out of my sleep to tell him this. In 2017 he started texting more frequently and then we started hanging out again. Then up until last month (may 23rd to be exact) we had been hanging out literally almost every single day and night. Those same feelings from before resurfaced and I told him, again "I'm still into you" basically. And since I'm leaving the state for school, I told him straight up I want you to be my boyfriend and to come with me. Ghosted me....and now only sells me weed. Its weird because we have sexual history, I thought he was into me and he did ALL the things a guy does when interested for the first 3 years of our relationship. Him buying me my 21st birthday cake and making that WEEK special for me, is literally, like literally what made me fall for him. I ignored the other stuff for 3 years in fear of losing him. Now I tell him how I feel and he didn't acknowledge those feelings/text at all. He did ask me to come over and talk one night but I was sleep when I got the text (that was last week) I saw him yesterday (to pick up my bud) and...idk it's weird. He still smiles when we looks at me and still looks me in the eye. But I'm literally hurting....I feel like I lost my best friend. I would give anything to have him back even as a friend. He was my rock. What am I to do now? Like I want closure because it's been a month since I said how I feel about him and he hasn't even said anything about it, but still keeps in contact with me and I don't think it's just for the bud (could be because he knows I don't know anyone else who sells but idk I don't really spend money on it) so i just confused..do I just wait till august and let this be my closure?
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on June 19, 2018:
It sounds as though you answered your own question. You were feeling it, he was not. It's easy to develop an "ideal' about someone when they don't do the same. If he only reached out to you for sex, what does that tell you? He's lonely for companionship in the bedroom. He obviously has not let go of his deceased wife.
I pray you get counseling. Please. You shouldn't have to deal with your feelings of rejection alone. God bless you. I'm very sorry you have been hurt.
Maria on June 15, 2018:
My widower boyfriend after 7 month only text when he needed sex . I fell in love and I was doing all the texting he reply every two weeks and sometimes not a reply at all I was the one texting making plans to see him , he didn’t miss me but when I was next to him , he was very loving and I got so confused I stay 7 months going to his house he never let me spend the night I had to leave , he had the deceased wife clothes indide the closet and finally June 1 he told me he wasn’t ready and if I wanted more of a relationship he wasn’t at that point yet, he then text me saying tell me what you want to do and I will understand, so I told this was the end of me and him , cuz I fell used , now he’s back on the dating site I see him every day on Zoosk .
Does that means he didn’t had any feelings for me ,but then why will he be loving and romantic when we were together . To me he use me for sex the worst thing is that I fell in love with and he broke my heart , I cry I’m taking meds I’m hoping to get better I don’t know Why I miss him he don’t deserve it’s been 15 days he don’t text he never did I was the one texting all the one texting and he will reply once in a while , he’s 55 plus and I’m also 55 plus I’m so heart broken . Can you write something about this or send me an answer thank you.
Nick on May 30, 2018:
The ratio of empaths to personality disordered people in America seems to get smaller and smaller every generation. Good luck to good men and good women finding love these days! They're going to need it!
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on April 29, 2018:
I feel your pain, though can't tell you what to do......If she is giving no indication that she will provide you with the closeness you once had, it appears it may be time to move on. But what a wonderful time to remember! Needing "closure" is necessary for some people, like us. If you are hurting inside and feel "torn up", it's obviously something you need to address and put away..I want to share an example, from another article, of a lady who had to say goodbye to someone very special because the relationship 'ceased to progress' and it was obvious it wasn't going to advance. Compatible couple, but he appeared to pull away, leaving her confused. Here is her letter to him:
I recently told you that I want to be in your life completely, or not at all. I've continued to get “mixed messages” from you when you text and call once in a while, but don't express interest in spending time with me anymore, it's confusing.
It is tearing me up inside to continue getting these text messages and crumbs of attention from you knowing that it isn't the way it used to be. I won't pretend anymore that I'm okay with it. Please don't send any messages or call. It's best for me to take a complete break from any contact with you. It only adds to my confusion and sadness to get these trickles of communication from you.
You have done nothing wrong. I know that you don't know how to react and you seem confused, also. You seem very happy with your life now and I will not add any more obligation. Your feelings changed a few months ago and you appear content going another direction. It had nothing to do with me or anything I did “wrong”, it has everything to do with you and where you are in your life. You seem unsure of your feelings and that is absolutely okay. I forgive you and hold nothing against you.
Thank you for the best time in my life, and I say that with extreme honesty. I have never had anyone be so kind and generous. You were eager to express the love you felt and it made me extremely happy. My heart still has much love for you and I don't fault you for not feeling it anymore. I am releasing you, forgiving you, and allowing myself to heal. I cannot just be “your friend” right now. Maybe I can be friends after a while, but not now.
Thank you for respecting my wishes. I have missed your company and companionship and will continue to miss you. I've got to move on and not let messiness and confusion bog me down. I pray you can tie up any loose ends in your life before jumping into something else. It sure helps to finalize things. You are and will always be the “one love that got away”.
I pray this gives you some peace. God bless.
Dumb Struck on April 22, 2018:
About a month and a half ago I met a woman who I believed to be married but who was nonetheless coming onto me. About a week later, I confronted her with that hypothesis and was told that, while there was a certain obvious attraction, I had misread her meaning and that her committed relationship with her UNmarried partner made a dating or sexual relationship with me untenable.
That was fine with me and we proceeded to become extremely close, but appropriately non-physical best of friends. It was truly a great relationship.
About three weeks ago we, as friends, had an intimate conversation where we exchanged certain sexual secrets and inclinations. I also got a confirmation that there was a strong attraction between us and that in another place and time prior to meeting her current partner, we would have likely been sexually intimate.
Based on the stimulating aspect of that conversation, I later made a renewed bid for having a sexual relationship. She again declined for the same reasons as before. After reflection, I felt extremely remorseful for what I had done and profusely apologized. No apologies were necessary, said she, and we resumed from afar (because I had temporarily relocated) our appropriately light and supportive communications based on a platonic friendship.
Despite her assurance, I have concurrently been somewhat "needy" due to my current situation and circumstances being far from home. I have had need to reach out to her as a friend for emotional support.
Within the past week she has ceased all communication despite the most benign invitation to simply drop me a note and tell me how she is doing. Her silence is inconsistent with the entire tenor of our relationship and in contrast to her earlier assurances.
Her partner has known of our friendship all along, and the three of us attended a play together about a month ago. I suspect, however (but have no proof), that she told her partner about our earlier intimate information exchange and he has, perhaps, forbid her to communicate with me. It's the only logical explanation that makes any sense.
But I have no closure or any indication that she will likely provide it. I have never been in this much excruciating pain. All I really wanted in the end, was to nurture the deep but appropriate friendship we had begun.
Name withheld on April 18, 2018:
I read this article way too late. The relationship in question was ended 8 years ago and I have long since moved on, however I am now married and having to examine things because it legged an inability to be open with my emotions and a lack of intimacy with my wife. I’m doing better now much better but have a coldness and detachment that still exists. It’s been a long hard road, but I still have anger and resentments that my wife suffers for, it’s not been easy, and part of me has never come back. I’m not as affectionate as I was then. My wife most truly love me or she would have bolted 4 years ago. For anyone reading this who’s been abandoned, life does move on and you will meet someone else. No matter how much you deny that fact.
The only sane conclusion I’ve been able to come to is that my ex girlfriend was an exceptionally cruel person, I gave her every honorable exit, but she chose to ostracize me. The only wisdom I can share is to comfort others if you’re suffering, it’s the best medicine I’ve found. Move on and don’t look back
Chrissie on April 16, 2018:
I was involved with a man overseas but only online. My marital status was complicated as was his - he said. We constantly texted and video messaged so much. He professed his undying love. I fell badly for him. 2 weeks ago he was to call and suddenly I was blocked. I created a new profile and added him as a friend. He started chatting me up thinking I was someone else. I played along for a few hours then he asked me for a photo. I sent him my own pic. He said he knew it was me - HE DID NOT !! NO WAY !!. He said his wife found my messages and he had to block me that he would be in touch soon to explain then blocked the new name profile. I sent a message on messenger but he has not responded. He did not block that one. I don;t know if I have been played or not but he told me many times he loved me deeply. There was not sex online there was a lot of intimate chat he said he respected me too much for that and wanted to wait until we met. I really feel like crap and duped and played now. It's the complete stop to the communication that kills me its like a death but the fact that he was so prepared to chat up the other girl (my other persona) not even 24 hours after blocking me should make me know he was insincere but I can't get him out of my head. It is truly killing me... :( I am trying to move on....
SIKOFIT on April 12, 2018:
Almost 4 years and and a 3 yrs old who is autistic he has disappeared, his cell is off he hasnt checked his messages checked on his son been seen by or heard from. We fought he walked off that was it. I feel used lied to taken advantage of... thrown away completely crushed and broken. I am not sure I can keep myself together anymore.
Lonewolf66 on April 09, 2018:
Ive read some of the stories here and I can't help but write my own... So I met this guy, who is my best friends, best friend. For once i was happy to have dated someone that wasn't from a dating app. Anyways, we instantly clicked at the social gathering in October. After that, we started to text just as friends since believe it or not, at that party I had found out that he had two kids with his ex(wife). Mind you, he was in the marines and is only 22, I am 25. Trust me he is very mature and when hearing this, I kinda just let it pass my mind. He wasn't divorced yet but they were separated so I thought its okay. We continued to just text as friends, then eventually after two weeks in a half he decided to take me out on a date. Thats when feelings grew and we became a couple after another month passed. Obviously he couldn't show me off or add me on fb because he had his baby mama there and well.. its illegal to date someone while still being married. I had him on snapchat and Instagram.
I felt like a secret at times and was just afraid of losing him. My issue is once I fall for a guy I fall hard. Then I start to have that fear of getting replaced. He told me I wasn't but he couldn't risk custody of his kids because his wife' is controlling and still checks up on him. She is in love still but he fell out of love so thats why he asked for a divorce and because they always fought. Anyways, we went through that honey moon stage where we would talk for hours, see each other and hang out with our common best friend and my friends(who are my best friends too). It was great! Then slowly after a month his life got super busy and complicated. It seemed his wife' was starting to make the math that me and him had a thing because she has our common best friend on snapchat and one day she saw me and him sitting next to one another. Any who, it seemed like he had to keep being more discrete about us.. he didnt want his mom to find out either because she's very traditional and wanted him to patch things up with his baby mama.It was a lot for me too because all i ever wanted was someone to show me off and be happy to call me their gf but he just couldn't because of the circumstances.. He would pick up one of his sons who is the toddler and the other is still a baby (4months) and she didn't trust him yet to take care of the baby so he would take care of the toddler. Slowly, he started to text me hours later and I would trust him that he was taking care of his son because he would send me a snap photo with him. It was reassurance for me because mind you, I have a lot of trouble trusting men who I am involved with romantically. Then communication was bad and we would keep arguing about that . He said he's trying that he just got busier ; works 10hrs a day, then gets home around 7, has to fix his car, clean his room, errands, etc. I tried to understand him but I just couldn't understand why he couldn't just text me it takes seconds to say sorry babe, I am busy ill reply in a bit'. He would sometimes but then at times no, and I would nag him about it. Last month was rocky we would argue, because again I wasn't satisfied with the communication I was getting.. maybe I was too needy? I don't know, I could of been more trusting because at times I would accuse him but that would get him frustrated because the person that he loves doesn't trust him and he trusted me.
Now to the breaking point... last wednesday he didn't reply to one of my texts. He was at work (lunch time) and I thought weird he should of at least said; ill reply later sorry babe!'. No word, until he got off work he said he needed to see his kids and take care of them because his baby mama was sick', I was mad because he always calls me on the drive from his job to his house or to her house(whenever he goes spends time with his sons) but this time nothing.. finally around 8 he calls me and I said where you actually with your kids? Since he'd sometimes send me a selfie or call me after work so we can talk since he'd be MIA since he doesn't want her to suspect or be looking at who he's texting etc, plus he wants to give full attention to his kids. I mentioned it and he thought i was at work but it was my day off and i had told him on the text that he left me on read on. He said sorry I'm only human ok, i forgot! SO we argued about surprise surprise COMMUNICATION. This is where he said, " we always argue over the same thing, i try to give you as much communication as I can, but its never good enough for you". How, we can't keep arguing, that he can't do this"... I think this is where he reached his breaking point. i understand he has a lot on his plate, and originally had told me how he wasn't planning to date at all.. but I just randomly came into his life and he fell for me HARD. As did I, because I didn't think I would date him, since I always went for a specific type of men'. He told me we had to wait until the divorce because right now he can't give me the communication that I want.. I felt he was breaking up with me which it does sound like.. how he'd talk to me but not in the same way' this is where he didnt explain himself. He hanged up on me since i wanted to cry and kept saying please don't do this, i love you.'' Well in the text he said how this hurts him, and it may be hard but this way he can't hurt me with his actions.. that he needs to face this alone until the divorce. So to me this doesn't sound like a break up but he then never replied to my text... the next day , i had time to think so I told him okay because i love and care about you I will wait.. but does this mean we are still together as a couple just won't talk as much because right now you need space, etc or is this over.. because I need to know.' I send that on thursday the 5th of April.. Now, its april 9th, almost a week later and all I've gotten is silence...
He's been MIA on snapchat it seems and instagram but I feel because he knows I have him there and I do lurk. But on fb I know he's been active since he added two co workers and all.. so it hurts knowing he's just ignoring my message.(hasn't even clicked on it, since he has his reads on ) We both have iPhones.. so now I am left to wonder is it over? What kind of person that claims to love someone do this? he did tell me before this is a way for him to cope if he's upset or mad at someone by not talking to them but this just causes me more PAIN.
He had told me until the divorce was over wed be back to normal which is around MAY. no specific date so I wonder if this is his cowardly way of dumping me.. making me believe theres hope. And if i wait for what? for him to tell me that he's enjoyed this time ALONE, and prefers to be single? Id rather him tell me then give me the silent treatment. I know he loves me i just don't understand why he'd avoid me like that.. it hurts. And if he was to contact me idk in another week or a month, what do I even do? IF i respond it'll show his actions were OK but they weren't.. I don't want to reach out anymore because thats just pathetic. If he wanted to talk he'd open my message. I just can't move on and the only way how is by blocking or deleting him everywhere but if i don't know if its over how can i? Or is it? Please help, need advice.
Luke Lafayette on April 09, 2018:
Hi, thank you for writing this article. It hits home and I wish my ex would read it. I am a 28 year old man and last year was left by my ex without getting the closure that I needed.
Granted, I was the one who broke up, but I did it because the relationship was very one sided. I was the one always running around to make our relationship possible. She was from a different country and she was 9 years older, couldn't work here but wanted to get married and have kids. We lived together for more than half a year. One week after I broke up I regretted it and I told her that I wanted us to keep trying but she told me she never loved me and then packed her things and disappeared, going back to her home country, refusing to give me a final conversation.
All I ever asked for was to be able to say good bye. I begged her for 4 months in emails to at least call me and let me say good bye, but she refused to do that for me. She just blocked me and what's even worse is that she seemed to enjoy it. It's like she liked that I chased her and that I regretted breaking up and it made it all easier for her to get over me right away without having to look back.
She was gone and it was very abrupt. I feel like I could have been over her months ago but now it has been 8 months and I am still in pain. Not over losing her but over how she could just walk away as if what we had never even existed, leaving me in a constant cycle of self blame for breaking up and anger towards her for leaving me in the dust after having taken her into my home and being there for her financially.
Weirdly enough she wrote me on Christmas but only one line and then went straight back to ignore me. I replied, telling her I missed her and that I still hoped we can talk again. Some of the emails I sent to her were extremely depressed and close to suicidal. I was very weak and couldn't hold back emotionally. Now I doubt I will ever hear from her again. I don't even know why I still want to and what I would even say if she ever reached out again. I think I still feel like I want her to validate what we had but she seems to be too proud over how she made me feel and it all seemed to end in a power struggle.
I hate that she did this to us. And I sometimes wonder, does she even care? We talked every day and shared many moments and now I was left to be ignored and hanging, having so many questions with a shattered self esteem and bruised ego. Was this really necessary?
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on March 31, 2018:
Cyrena, I bet it was really personal for him and he just wasn't comfortable with it. At least he gave you closure. Whew! He probably doesn't know why.
Cyrena Musset on March 27, 2018:
First, thank you for writing this article. I took to the internet because I just experienced one of these disappearing acts and it completely threw me.
I met a very nice young man on a well respected dating website about a month ago. We went on two very good dates. We got along well and had fun, we event went to a comedy club two weeks ago. He is a bit of an awkward person and seemed shy at first, but when we got talking we seemed to hit it off.
Out of no where he texted me on Saturday and told me that "this might seem kind of sudden, but while I enjoyed our time together, I don't think this is going to work out for me right now." When I replied I told him I respected his honesty, but I wanted to know why this wasn't going to work out. He ignored me, and ignored the next text I sent.
I really don't understand what happened. He gave me no explanation as to why he was no longer willing or interested to peruse things. I won't text him again, but I'm not really sure what to do now. Thank you for listening!
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on March 23, 2018:
From what you have said, it appears the change happened right after his father's death. That's the link. He's grieving. Amazing how death can affect a person and change their whole way of thinking.
I have to give the guy credit for actually saying (typing) the words that he wasn't ready, etc. Not many get that response. I believe the guy is in turmoil over the death of his father. And, by golly, he was honest in the text.
You are doing the right thing and have a great attitude to type the words ' I will survive this.' My heart hurts with yours. Let me close with this: You are a better person for having loved, what a wonderful memory you have! You have loved! And love enough to let go even though it breaks you.
I've been there, done that too. I was in a 2 year relationship recently that I had to end because he was ghosting me and just would not come out and tell me he was moving another direction. Like you, he was the one who got away. I don't blame him or hate him that his feelings changed. So I released him. I feel so much better since I got the closure. I truly loved this man, but like all humans, he had faults too. It had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him.
Think of your situation the same way.....it was nothing you did wrong, it was him who changed. God bless you and I speak peace in your soul.
Ayvilis on March 23, 2018:
Your post made me think a lot, specially when you said we're after a "why" I've been after it but I do realize I'll never have it and I guess that's what hurts, not knowing or even having a clue, the thought that how could you have meant so little to that person?
I was in a relationship for 5 months, he "broke up" with me a week ago after ghosting. We talked every single minute of everyday for 5 months, we laughed and had fun, never argued, always discussed things and gave our opinions and we were very open with each other. We had an amazing getaway filled with laughter and romance when we came back the next day his dad passed away, they didn't talk and he went into a bubble, we still talked everyday and I saw him 4 times after that, until one day after a goodnight and some planning to go out the next week he never spoke to me again. It took him 5 days from seeing me to determine that he didn't want me anymore, that we weren't worth it at the moment, all the promises and dreams, all the times he asked how many kids I wanted to have and how we should rent that house at the lake in June, it all blew with the wind like it never existed.
after 5 days of not hearing from him I asked what was wrong and that I never expected that of him because I knew he wasn't built like that, I got a reply after 24 hrs, in five lines of text he said he though he was ready for a relationship but he wasn't, he wasn't happy with himself and it wasn't fair to me for us to conitnue, and that was it, sometimes I thinks it's comical 5 months = 5 lines to end. I'm a happy person, never had issues with self-esteem, I'm most of the times positive, but he broke something inside of me, maybe I gave too much, believed too much, but I will survive this and I will set my heart free of him. He was everything I hoped for, from opening car doors to cooking for me, but in all my life he was the one that hurt me the most. Thank you for letting me know how many similar stories are out there, this one is mine :)
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on March 11, 2018:
I'm sorry to hear you are disappointed. Sometimes people just don't respond like we want them I feel your sadness.
Perhaps there is a clause or something in the agreement to take on exchange students that says they are not to continue a relationship? I know this is far fetched, but it came to my mind.
Maybe writing a nice letter or card, addressed to the family, letting them know how much you thank them for making you part of the family. Express your desire to see them again and share your new successes.
If you don't hear from them, maybe their life has gone a new direction. It has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her/them. I know it hurts to know that someone you were once close to is no longer interested in seeing you or doesn't seem interested anymore.
Do your best to make new friends and attachments. Have you joined a group? You're in a foreign country. Reach out to support groups or counseling through your school.
God bless you. It takes time to process feelings of rejection. You are important in this life.
alft on March 10, 2018:
I am a international student and I used to live in a host family last year. I had a perfect relationship with my host mother. This year I went to college so I had to move out since the college is in a different city. I saw her after the summer (September) and it was nice. Then I texted her few times and she didn't replay. So in December I asked if I could meet her before Christmas? she said yes and we could see each other in the next weekend. I texted her few days before to confirm and she didn't answer me. After five days she answered saying that she needs some time before seeing me again... now in March I re-texted her and she didn't reply. It's upsetting because she was like a family away from home for me, she is like my second mom. What do you think is going on?
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on March 01, 2018:
You haven't done anything wrong. He has. Re-read your comment in a couple of days and think about it. You state clearly what the problem is: HIM. Not good relationship material to behave that way.
Ley on February 28, 2018:
when this person csme into my life i was in a good place, mentally and physically i was happy. When they entered and gave me 100% i felt there was no reason to hold back so i gave 100% aswell. He told me he had trust issues because his ex girlfriend had once cheated on him during their theee year relationship. I took this into consideration and thought i’d help him overcome those trust issues by being completely transparent with him, i literally didnt hide a thing. Things we good for a long while and this was the best ive ever experienced so i did end up falling for them a lot than predicted at start. Then one day we went from planning our future to arguing that he doesnt remember ever asking me to be his girlfriend or even saying he loves me. Then im being told im crazy and delusional and immature because he is a two years older than me and “knows so much more about life”. We agreed to take a stepback and try to be friends and see how things would go from then. Then one day after he said hurtful things to me we stopped speaking for a while, he texted me asking if i was okay a couple days later and i replied then during that conversation i fell asleep and woke up to him blocking me off nearly every social media platform and not answering calls or texts. Its been 3/4 weeks now and i havent heard anything from him and i dont even know what ive done wrong. If only i knew what ive done or what happened it would make things much easier
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on February 02, 2018:
What I am hearing in your story is that this man was unstable and controlling. I know you don't see it now, but it's evident. Anyone who wants to jump into something, that fast, push it, then fall back by blaming you (for not texting in 3 hours) is emotionally unstable and, in my personal opinion, could possibly end up being abusive.
Heed the warning. This has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him being unstable and controlling. He said you "barely made time for him". Really? what was his example of time?
Think about this, pray for understanding, and know that this is closure. His lack of response and flatly saying feels I am not ready for a relationship at this time because..." I barely made time for him, and because I would be working a second job that would not be a good relationship and apparently I seemed unsure of our relationship."
He's gas-lighting you. you.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
He will never tell you it's over. He's not going to, he's too weak. Now it's time for you to think about what you want for your future which now includes a child (that he said he wanted and now says get rid of). That in itself proves his character.
I pray you make the right decision for yourself and your unborn child. God bless you.
Keta on February 01, 2018:
So this is currently still very fresh and today is a better day, but I have been dealing with severe depression luckily I have good friends who have been very supportive. I have been dating this person for about 6 months , he pretty much wanted to marry me have kids. I was very hesitant at first because he would talk about kids a lot. I am 35 and have never had children and didn't see that for me. I did tell him that but he said he understood, he wanted to get married right away and have kids. I tried to tell him that I saw myself doing that with him but my career and financial baggage was my biggest stress. But we could work towards that.Well 2 weeks ago he just stopped talking to me, his excuse was because I did not text him for 3 hours while I was out to dinner with a friend. I gave him time to cool down and told him I loved him. one week later still no answer to text or phone calls of course I went crazy with the text and phone calls. Finally I got a text telling me he loves me but he feels I am not ready for a relationship at this time because I barely made time for him, and because I would be working a second job that would not be a good relationship and apparently I seemed unsure of our relationship. I told him that I loved him and that I would do what I had to do to prove to him but if he wanted us to end to let me know. No answer. All I wanted from him was to tell me it was over and that he didn't love me. But nope nothing I sent him texts of anger and hurt. Finally this week I hit a nerve because I did say something cruel telling him I compared him to his father because he just left me and with no answer. All this time he wanted to get me pregnant and I found out I was , just this Monday I told him via text, All he told me was to get rid of it and how much he wished I wasn't. That just made me so angry that led me to say mean things to him. I just wanted an answer as simple as " I don't love you please leave me alone" even now there is no answer I have not bothered him. But how can someone who says he loves you and wants a life with you just cut you off? with no real reason seeing how much I am hurting. I got really depressed and wanted to hurt myself. Have not slept much and it affected my work. I have not texted him or called him. But I need closure how can you just stop loving someone. I want to confront him physically and look at his face telling me he does not want me in his life. Everyone tells me if he cares he will look for me. Something in my gut tells me he wont and I feel like I am going insane with no real answer. His silence is the answer I am tolled. But I just want to tell him that he shouldn't do that to people. Specially when he was told that I was not strong enough to handle heartbreak. I know I sound like a crazy person even typing this , makes me realize how desperate I am. I truly feel worthless. Less than trash. How can some one just do that. I would not just leave it with no answer. Before him I was in a 10 yr relationship that we would talk and discuss everything. We fell out of love but even now we are great friends. I finally opened up to someone and let them in my life and now this. I just want to run and disappear.
But that's not me I am a better person and a good human being. Should I look for him physically. I just want to hear it from him.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on January 31, 2018:
I totally understand your grief. She was in this abusive relationship before and now he comes back into the picture doing all the things that chronic abusers do: lies and control. I have been in an abusive relationship and can tell you that the man has such emotional control over the woman, that it clouds her thinking.
This is common in relationship violence. This is something in her that is insecure. For some reason, she is holding on the "idea" that he is "ideal". Because the abuse is familiar to her (for some unknown reason), maybe she has been dominated and/or witnessed this type of man..father, brother, etc. Because it's 'familiar', the brain locks on to it and connects it as normal.
Then you come along and show her how a healthy relationship starts: friendship and fun! She can't grasp it in her mind because it's not familiar. She knows she cares for you, but this monster from the past is still in control. Believe me, I know how this emotional roller coaster works.
This has nothing to do with you, nor did you do anything wrong. It has to do with her and her own insecurity and connection with this man who, obviously, has no respect.
Hang in there. You have been kind to her; she will remember!!! Once it sets in she will recognize the comparison between normal and abnormal. I'm not saying she could come back, but what a wonderful thing you have done to give freely to this lady.
If she contacts you, and my suspicion is that she will, it will be because she is free from the bondage of the former relationship. You can't guarantee that she will respond, but you will be content with knowing that you made a difference in her life when you did.
And if she contacts you? What a wonderful surprise!!!
Monacojs on January 30, 2018:
I read almost every comment. Comforting to know others have been thru this but also sad to know there r so many flaky ppl out there.
Now it's time for me to get my story of my chest. Long story short i was dating a woman for about 2 months and it was getting very serious. We never had words, an argument or anything like that. She even said i was the best thing that happened to her in 2017. We went on dates, i used to bring her flowers as I'm very romantic. She loved it as did i. I fell in love with her. We always had a great time. Would talk on phone sometimes for hours.
The confusing thing is, the week of her disappearance she met my best friends and we all hung out (her suggestion) she had a great time. And that same week we got closer than ever.
We didn't have sex and that was fine that she wanted to move slow with that. We made out a lot a tho, all very sweet. She knew i wanted a relationship at some point and was fine with that. Things were progressing well.
Our last phone conversation she sounded depressed. Also, her ex whom she'd broken it off with had returned into the picture. This is an ex who choked her once, crashed her car and had a tracking device on her. The ex knew about me and wasn't happy about us. She told me he begged and pleaded to come back but she was done. She didn't wanna b an abused woman.
Well he came back (hed been out of town visiting relatives) and she disappeared days later. I Talked to her two weeks ago and never heard from her again. I don't know whether she got back with him or just what happened. I just think it's odd he returns and 3 days later i don't hear from u anymore.
I left a message and sent several text saying im concerned about her welfare and wondering what happened. No reply. She is alive... i drove by her apt twice and her car is there and was moved each time.
Im depressed and can't get her out of my head. I still love her. This isn't the first time this has happened to me.
Kat on January 04, 2018:
My brother more than once just cut off communication with me and other family... Him and I were closest... No word just left for years. It was like he died. Broke my heart. I'm trying to let it go.
Ed on January 02, 2018:
I’ve been chatting with a girl for 6 months, she told me I was everything to her and she could never do without me on a daily basis. I gave her £150 for Christmas, we were chatting all last week but Saturday morning was the last I’ve heard from her, she hasn’t deleted me or blocked me on any social media, her phone has been off since sometime on Saturday afternoon, I’ve not heard anything from her since the day before New Year’s Eve, I really don’t know what to think. I really need someone’s advice because my head is going in circles. PLEASE
bear on December 13, 2017:
My brother disappeared from my life. I don't know what is going on with him. Maybe he is depressed, I don't know. I thought maybe he got taken as human traffick/slave.
He won't answer anything, email, facebook, phone calls.
I worry about him but the possibilities are endless I don't know which it could be. Maybe he's mad at me?
ms. c on November 28, 2017:
almost 5 years nextyear, but we broke up last nov. 11, 2017. there's no explanation after i texted him. it hurts a lot, because there's a third party. i don't know what to do. until now, i was left hanging and no closure.
trytotopthisone on October 22, 2017:
Live in Bf - of 1.5 years went on vacation and ghosted me on day 2 when i got into a bad accident and went to the hospital. Never came back from vacay - dissipated into thin air and left every last on of his belongings with me. To add the cherry on top - we were one week away from moving across the country.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on October 15, 2017:
I've been getting lots of comments about people being rudely dumped, hung up on, ignored repeatedly, and lied to. Remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
Judy Ruffing on October 04, 2017:
I had a three year committed relationship with a 74 year old widower. I am a 77 year old widow. This last year did not have one disagreement. With a 5 minute disagreement he hung up phone And ignored my apologys the following three days. It has been 9 weeks nothing. I was told tonight he has called my girlfriends boyfriend wanting to know what I am doing. I have been abondoned and am now never wanting him to hurt me again.
DatGirl on September 27, 2017:
So I'm stupid cuz I still love my... person(long distance ex/bf/?) and can't seem to get out of depression when he is not around. I messed up a year ago and lied to him about a room mate cuz I was having money issues but I told him cuz I felt bad and he flipped out started just hating me. I told him I can't go on like that he told me he needs me to go across the world to see him for him to trust me again so I did! for a month. It was amazing yet weird but I feel even deeper in love with him. Then I went home and we went on to make plans for our future but then he started leaving a lot when he got mad then he started leaving like about everything and hounding me about everything I'm doing at every moment and telling me he doesn't like my friends or want me to hang out with them and just stating issues everywhere then he will say leave. This last time he left cuz i didn't answer my phone while I was at my neighbors house but I honestly never heard the phone and my neighbor is a 60 year old woman... He just hung up in mid convo and I haven't seen him or herd from him sense. Its mind EFING
elizabeth on September 19, 2017:
liked this guy for a long time we were long distance relationship he promised to meet me and said nice things to me and disappeared why do men do that to women anyway its been a year haven't herd from him and wont answer my emails or letter I sent him would like closure to move on
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on September 01, 2017:
Why are you waiting? Everything you've said points to he's unstable, wishy washy, lies, selfish, rude, and insecure. Do you want to be with someone like that?
katie on August 26, 2017:
my partner did this to me. we have been together a long time. he talked about he how he really only ever loved me, i was his world, he wouldnt stop loving me. he wanted to marry me. we broke up, kept arguing when we had a rough patch, he then came back, told me he loved me and wouldnt hurt me or let me go again. 2 months later he did it again. he told me i couldnt come around because he was going to drink at his mates because it was his birthday. but he lied, but why? i confronted him over facebook, he just blocked me on everything. my number, on facebook everything. it was 4 days like this, so i said bring my stuff back if youre done and he did. that night he said he didnt love me and left. no explanation. hes ignored me since. but 2 days before that he was spouting how much he loved me and that im his world. he wont give me closure. he left before and said he didnt love me then and then came back and said he did. im so confused.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on July 14, 2017:
Adrienne: Wow and wow on your comment. Short, sweet, and to the point. Gotta hand it to ya.
Adrienne on July 13, 2017:
A man disappears from a woman's life with no explanation for one reason and one reason only - he is a coward. Period.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on June 26, 2017:
It sounds like he is having inward issues. Let him resolve the issues, on his own. You've verified that he is okay and not in danger. Let him collect himself. And live your life.
HP9 on June 26, 2017:
We were good friends for a couple years .. then we became the best couple for a good six months or so ..
I was never the jealous type nor was I clingy ,, We almost never fought .. and we always understood and respected each other ..
I fell inlove with my best friend .. after being together for those six months i professed my love to him ..
unexpectedly i did not get the response i wanted but that i was ok and i assured him i was ok with that .. We were back to normal and everything was great .
The next week i had to go out of the country for a week and on my last day there . I texted him from the airport telling him i'm on my way back ..
He replied with a text that said : " I missed you so much finally you're coming back "
I was so happy i couldn't wait to land .
When I got home ..
He was long gone .. into the unknown ..
I waited for a couple of days i tried reaching but nothing ..
I opened to one of his social media account and apparently he told the world that he will vanish .. but didn't mention it to me at all ..
I got in touch with his best friend just to make sure he's ok that's all
and he assured me he was ok and ever since then i did not contact him or tried to reach him in anyway
I knew he left me ..
I don't know why ..
I lost my best friend and i can't trust anyone anymore .. There's something missing in me but i can't bring myself to tell anyone
They all know i'm hurt but they also think i'm too strong and have too much pride to show it ..
but it still hurts after 6 months it still hurts me ..
and i miss him so much ..
foolish on June 16, 2017:
I was married to a person who I took back twice after he disappeared. This time there will not be another replay of the past. I thought he was on my side and all the while he was lying and screwing another. WOW is all I can say. I must forgive to move on but I do hope when Karma shows up for him I am aware of the outcome
Hurt & confused on March 21, 2017:
I was with CT for two years. Thought we had something special but he's disappeared without an explanation. This is one of the most hurtfull things I've been through. Can't sleep or eat. It's just sickening.
Dyeshia Sampson on March 19, 2017:
I was steady with Kayode Akinlade since December 7,2016. He promised me the world and more the first week. As time went on I grew into his world and felt that he maybe the One. Yes, we stopped talking at least three times I walked away after realizing he really stayed distant from me. At times he seems so concerned with for me then other days he gave me his ass to kiss. How ever, I wanted the life he promised me and the sweet quite moments we had throughout the months.
Now it's March, I've called, texted, emailed and left voicemail for the past four days ; no reply from Kayode Akinlade. What did I do so bad to a man that fail to respond to me while hurting me deeply.
Although, this pain is cutting me deeply and leaving me full of emotions. Just like any other poor situations in my life, I know there will be. Guy I meet to love me even better. I know I will get through this experience stronger, wiser and tougher. This situation has taught me how not to trust a man at their words but more for actions. Love should never leave anyone wondering but love should be flawless without perfection.
Yes, this pain hurts like hell but the good thing is that I will bounce back. Again, I'll bounce back to be a even a more better woman that he failed to see. God has my entire heart in his hand and I know my heart will one get better. Loving me more!!!!!
Ladyvic on March 15, 2017:
I'm still trying to figure out why my therapist of 12 years abandoned me without explanation. After 8 months I called her and she straight out lied to me. Talk about adding to my abandonment issues.
Karlie on March 08, 2017:
I was dating a narcissist, I had to get therapy while we were together and my therapist explained, he is gas lighting you and must must become an ice queen and end that relationship, he is 53 years old and will not change, no contact is the best contact. Well, I just stopped contacting him after all the mess he put me through, he then attempted to assassinate my character by calling my dad 6 times in one day and inboxing my friends telling them things I told him in confidence, so YES, I left him with no notice and no closure, it will allow him time to figure it out. Now he is running around playing the victim. He needs to read this site, but I dot even want to open the door to suggest it. Come people deserve to just be left alone, especially those with a narcissistic personality .
HH on February 25, 2017:
I'd take a break-up email, hell even a text over someone just disappearing from my life.
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on January 25, 2017:
pip: Don't give him a dime. That behavior is appalling and shaming. Fight for your rights and money!
pip on January 24, 2017:
My husband of 23 years said he needed space, he loved me and please could i wait for him to sort himself out and then disappeared. Nine months later i received divorce papers in the post. I later heard he was living with another women. He has refused all communication since, no goodbye or sorry just lawyers letters asking for money.
Angela b on January 15, 2017:
My partner of 23 years just ran off with someone else on Christmas eve and I am no further forward than I was that night. It is horrible, the roller-coaster of emotions. I have many non functioning days. I have to think that he has problems I did not know about or I will drive myself mad blaming myself.
Nick on April 24, 2016:
Ill be your man Donotfear. Youre obviously very beautiful inside and out.
Loving mother on November 07, 2015:
I was in a relationship with a man that I loved unconditionally but to find out he was back and forth with the mother of his kids. Needless to say I got pregnant with twins and confronted the other woman. After that he was furious and we didn't talk as much but I ran into the other woman after I had the twins, she realized that I had given birth. After that day I never heard from him again! My twins are 4 years old now asking about there father. Today I have so many emotions, I forgiven him but Some days I miss him and hope that one day my kids would have a chance to meet their father. I really want to have one conversation with him perhaps for my own closure without the drama. I no longer feel angry because I no since his father walked away when he was born it is only expected. I have started a new relationship with a nice man but my ex still has a piece in my heart especially when I sometimes see him in my twins.
jennie on March 01, 2015:
Well the man I was talking to he supposed to get divorced and we should be available to continue our relationship but when the day was here I just didn't heard nothing from him :/ why why???
Alaine Opilas from Philippines on January 14, 2015:
read mine also https://hubpages.com/relationships/Secrets-in-succ... :)
Annette Thomas (author) from Northeast Texas on December 14, 2014:
Hard cold facts