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Relationship Advice When Someone Disappears From Your Life

Updated on December 24, 2016
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Annette Sharp holds a BAAS in Behavioral Science from Texas A&M. She is a counselor and motivator with an empathetic heart.

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Intro

Lack of closure in a relationship is something that can linger forever. How do you get closure? If you both agree that the relationship is over, it’s closure. If there’s a big argument that leaves two people unable to agree to disagree, it can't be closure.

What is closure? According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, closure is 1) a closing or being closed 2) a finish; end 3) anything that closes. Another definition is "to come to an end." Wikipedia calls closure, in the psychological sense, "a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life."

Advice for What to Do Now

So what do you do if you’ve been left hanging? How do you get a sense of closure? I’m going to list my suggestions followed by some great resources I found while exploring the subject. My suggestion is to write a letter to the one who left, even though you may not know where to send it. Then, tear it up or burn it. Consider their silence the closure you need. Inaction on their part can act as closure for you. People make a way to do what they want. Remind yourself that if the person wants to talk to you, they will. It has nothing to do with you, but it has everything to do with them. They’re simply saying "yes" to another part of their life.

So how do you deal with the sadness and hurt?

  1. Stay busy. Renew old friendships & do things for yourself.
  2. Acknowledge your pain. Don’t deny it. Let yourself cry if you need to.
  3. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Self medication is only a temporary fix.
  4. Don’t start a new relationship immediately.
  5. Seek counseling if the pain becomes overbearing.

Feelings of Abandonment in a Relationship

Lack of closure can leave you with feelings of abandonment. For most, closure happens when your significant other tells you point blank: It’s over. Both parties accept, agree, and go on with their lives. Clearly, it’s more complicated and hurtful when you don’t want it to end, but the other involved does.

Finally, there’s the worst scenario: when one individual disappears suddenly with no explanation. It’s more difficult because you don’t know the reasons why. It can leave the abandoned partner with a feeling of being used or "having the rug pulled out from under them." What do you do? Call continuously until you get an answer? Send endless emails & text messages that remain unanswered? When there’s no response, it leads to an increased feeling of panic that you’ve been deserted.

Closure is important because it gives one a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending.

When They Disappear

When somebody disappears with no response, it's not a good sign. It's also hurtful, for sure. Deleting every trace of the person is sometimes the best thing to do, though it's painful.

Think of this: what kind of person comes into your life, takes you on a roller coaster ride, and then disappears? There’s something wrong with that picture. In fact, it leaves you with a sense of complete rejection. Sometimes those who disconnect are never heard from again. They may reappear, however. If they do, that's when one must be strong and not let the person back in again to prevent the pattern from repeating. Otherwise, you’ll be left feeling empty and betrayed again. Unless, of course, there was a legitimate, true reason for the disappearing act, though I can’t think of many legitimate excuses. Can you?

Is He Cheating?

I remember when this happened to me years ago with someone I’d been steadily involved with for about six weeks. We spent a wonderful weekend together, and I thought we were getting closer. Then poof! I didn't hear from him for a week. I called him and left a message, but he didn't return the call. I called him at work. He said he'd been "covered up" with a project. He made no plans with me for the coming weekend. I was very sad and lonesome that weekend. I tried to stay busy, but I had a bad feeling inside.

Then I found out the real slammer the following Monday. He had answered some woman’s personal ad in the newspaper and had begun seeing her! Talk about a slap! May as well have rubbed crap in my face! I confronted him (or tried to). His reaction was, "I didn't want there to be a catastrophe. What do you want me to say? 'Baby baby, come back, I love you?' Cause I’m not!" That was cold and shocking, to say the least. I mean, why the heck couldn't he have just told me he wanted to start seeing somebody else? Sure, it would hurt, but it would have been so much easier. Plus, it would have saved me from developing a poor opinion of him. It was just plain tasteless and degrading. Why not just be honest?

Why the Abandonment With No Explanation?

I'll never understand why some people think that disappearing is the best course of action when you want out of a relationship. It could save a lot of hurt for the other involved if there was open communication. Sure, it hurts to lose somebody, but it's much easier when you're not left hanging, not knowing the reasons why. The end result is a casual brush-off that is demoralizing, to say the least. Especially if you have shared many private things: things you believed were special between the two of you. Then comes the casual "Oh never mind" disappearing act. Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words. Sadly, many people we care for disappoint us in the most demeaning manner. It makes you wonder all sorts of theories. Were they lying all along? What was the true motive? What happened in their life to cause such a sudden change? Why did he/she leave? It is the "need to know" that keeps us from a much needed sense of closure.

Important to Go on With Life

Lack of closure can significantly affect our lives if we allow it. You can't deny the hurt, loss, and abandonment that accompanies an unexpected departure of a significant other in your life. If we can learn to stop beating ourselves up over the "why and how" of the deserting other, we can turn a negative situation into a positive learning experience. Developing the coping skills necessary to obtain a sense of closure can assist us in forgiving, letting go, and moving on.

Disclaimer

The author is not a licensed therapist and does not claim to have all the answers. The author offers moral support, suggestions, and urges readers to seek professional help if needed. The author is not an expert on relationships.

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    • profile image

      trytotopthisone 3 weeks ago

      Live in Bf - of 1.5 years went on vacation and ghosted me on day 2 when i got into a bad accident and went to the hospital. Never came back from vacay - dissipated into thin air and left every last on of his belongings with me. To add the cherry on top - we were one week away from moving across the country.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 4 weeks ago from The Boondocks

      I've been getting lots of comments about people being rudely dumped, hung up on, ignored repeatedly, and lied to. Remember: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

    • profile image

      Judy Ruffing 6 weeks ago

      I had a three year committed relationship with a 74 year old widower. I am a 77 year old widow. This last year did not have one disagreement. With a 5 minute disagreement he hung up phone And ignored my apologys the following three days. It has been 9 weeks nothing. I was told tonight he has called my girlfriends boyfriend wanting to know what I am doing. I have been abondoned and am now never wanting him to hurt me again.

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      DatGirl 7 weeks ago

      So I'm stupid cuz I still love my... person(long distance ex/bf/?) and can't seem to get out of depression when he is not around. I messed up a year ago and lied to him about a room mate cuz I was having money issues but I told him cuz I felt bad and he flipped out started just hating me. I told him I can't go on like that he told me he needs me to go across the world to see him for him to trust me again so I did! for a month. It was amazing yet weird but I feel even deeper in love with him. Then I went home and we went on to make plans for our future but then he started leaving a lot when he got mad then he started leaving like about everything and hounding me about everything I'm doing at every moment and telling me he doesn't like my friends or want me to hang out with them and just stating issues everywhere then he will say leave. This last time he left cuz i didn't answer my phone while I was at my neighbors house but I honestly never heard the phone and my neighbor is a 60 year old woman... He just hung up in mid convo and I haven't seen him or herd from him sense. Its mind EFING

    • profile image

      elizabeth 8 weeks ago

      liked this guy for a long time we were long distance relationship he promised to meet me and said nice things to me and disappeared why do men do that to women anyway its been a year haven't herd from him and wont answer my emails or letter I sent him would like closure to move on

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 months ago from The Boondocks

      katie:

      Why are you waiting? Everything you've said points to he's unstable, wishy washy, lies, selfish, rude, and insecure. Do you want to be with someone like that?

    • profile image

      katie 2 months ago

      my partner did this to me. we have been together a long time. he talked about he how he really only ever loved me, i was his world, he wouldnt stop loving me. he wanted to marry me. we broke up, kept arguing when we had a rough patch, he then came back, told me he loved me and wouldnt hurt me or let me go again. 2 months later he did it again. he told me i couldnt come around because he was going to drink at his mates because it was his birthday. but he lied, but why? i confronted him over facebook, he just blocked me on everything. my number, on facebook everything. it was 4 days like this, so i said bring my stuff back if youre done and he did. that night he said he didnt love me and left. no explanation. hes ignored me since. but 2 days before that he was spouting how much he loved me and that im his world. he wont give me closure. he left before and said he didnt love me then and then came back and said he did. im so confused.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 4 months ago from The Boondocks

      Adrienne: Wow and wow on your comment. Short, sweet, and to the point. Gotta hand it to ya.

    • profile image

      Adrienne 4 months ago

      A man disappears from a woman's life with no explanation for one reason and one reason only - he is a coward. Period.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 4 months ago from The Boondocks

      It sounds like he is having inward issues. Let him resolve the issues, on his own. You've verified that he is okay and not in danger. Let him collect himself. And live your life.

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      HP9 4 months ago

      We were good friends for a couple years .. then we became the best couple for a good six months or so ..

      I was never the jealous type nor was I clingy ,, We almost never fought .. and we always understood and respected each other ..

      I fell inlove with my best friend .. after being together for those six months i professed my love to him ..

      unexpectedly i did not get the response i wanted but that i was ok and i assured him i was ok with that .. We were back to normal and everything was great .

      The next week i had to go out of the country for a week and on my last day there . I texted him from the airport telling him i'm on my way back ..

      He replied with a text that said : " I missed you so much finally you're coming back "

      I was so happy i couldn't wait to land .

      When I got home ..

      He was long gone .. into the unknown ..

      I waited for a couple of days i tried reaching but nothing ..

      I opened to one of his social media account and apparently he told the world that he will vanish .. but didn't mention it to me at all ..

      I got in touch with his best friend just to make sure he's ok that's all

      and he assured me he was ok and ever since then i did not contact him or tried to reach him in anyway

      I knew he left me ..

      I don't know why ..

      I lost my best friend and i can't trust anyone anymore .. There's something missing in me but i can't bring myself to tell anyone

      They all know i'm hurt but they also think i'm too strong and have too much pride to show it ..

      but it still hurts after 6 months it still hurts me ..

      and i miss him so much ..

    • profile image

      foolish 5 months ago

      I was married to a person who I took back twice after he disappeared. This time there will not be another replay of the past. I thought he was on my side and all the while he was lying and screwing another. WOW is all I can say. I must forgive to move on but I do hope when Karma shows up for him I am aware of the outcome

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      Hurt & confused 8 months ago

      I was with CT for two years. Thought we had something special but he's disappeared without an explanation. This is one of the most hurtfull things I've been through. Can't sleep or eat. It's just sickening.

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      Dyeshia Sampson 8 months ago

      I was steady with Kayode Akinlade since December 7,2016. He promised me the world and more the first week. As time went on I grew into his world and felt that he maybe the One. Yes, we stopped talking at least three times I walked away after realizing he really stayed distant from me. At times he seems so concerned with for me then other days he gave me his ass to kiss. How ever, I wanted the life he promised me and the sweet quite moments we had throughout the months.

      Now it's March, I've called, texted, emailed and left voicemail for the past four days ; no reply from Kayode Akinlade. What did I do so bad to a man that fail to respond to me while hurting me deeply.

      Although, this pain is cutting me deeply and leaving me full of emotions. Just like any other poor situations in my life, I know there will be. Guy I meet to love me even better. I know I will get through this experience stronger, wiser and tougher. This situation has taught me how not to trust a man at their words but more for actions. Love should never leave anyone wondering but love should be flawless without perfection.

      Yes, this pain hurts like hell but the good thing is that I will bounce back. Again, I'll bounce back to be a even a more better woman that he failed to see. God has my entire heart in his hand and I know my heart will one get better. Loving me more!!!!!

    • profile image

      Ladyvic 8 months ago

      I'm still trying to figure out why my therapist of 12 years abandoned me without explanation. After 8 months I called her and she straight out lied to me. Talk about adding to my abandonment issues.

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      Karlie 8 months ago

      I was dating a narcissist, I had to get therapy while we were together and my therapist explained, he is gas lighting you and must must become an ice queen and end that relationship, he is 53 years old and will not change, no contact is the best contact. Well, I just stopped contacting him after all the mess he put me through, he then attempted to assassinate my character by calling my dad 6 times in one day and inboxing my friends telling them things I told him in confidence, so YES, I left him with no notice and no closure, it will allow him time to figure it out. Now he is running around playing the victim. He needs to read this site, but I dot even want to open the door to suggest it. Come people deserve to just be left alone, especially those with a narcissistic personality .

    • profile image

      HH 8 months ago

      I'd take a break-up email, hell even a text over someone just disappearing from my life.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 9 months ago from The Boondocks

      pip: Don't give him a dime. That behavior is appalling and shaming. Fight for your rights and money!

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      pip 9 months ago

      My husband of 23 years said he needed space, he loved me and please could i wait for him to sort himself out and then disappeared. Nine months later i received divorce papers in the post. I later heard he was living with another women. He has refused all communication since, no goodbye or sorry just lawyers letters asking for money.

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      Angela b 10 months ago

      My partner of 23 years just ran off with someone else on Christmas eve and I am no further forward than I was that night. It is horrible, the roller-coaster of emotions. I have many non functioning days. I have to think that he has problems I did not know about or I will drive myself mad blaming myself.

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      Nick 19 months ago

      Ill be your man Donotfear. Youre obviously very beautiful inside and out.

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      Loving mother 2 years ago

      I was in a relationship with a man that I loved unconditionally but to find out he was back and forth with the mother of his kids. Needless to say I got pregnant with twins and confronted the other woman. After that he was furious and we didn't talk as much but I ran into the other woman after I had the twins, she realized that I had given birth. After that day I never heard from him again! My twins are 4 years old now asking about there father. Today I have so many emotions, I forgiven him but Some days I miss him and hope that one day my kids would have a chance to meet their father. I really want to have one conversation with him perhaps for my own closure without the drama. I no longer feel angry because I no since his father walked away when he was born it is only expected. I have started a new relationship with a nice man but my ex still has a piece in my heart especially when I sometimes see him in my twins.

    • profile image

      jennie 2 years ago

      Well the man I was talking to he supposed to get divorced and we should be available to continue our relationship but when the day was here I just didn't heard nothing from him :/ why why???

    • Alaine Opilas profile image

      Alaine Opilas 2 years ago from Philippines

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Hard cold facts

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      gutsandgrace: I hear ya. Poof, gone. Like, "oh....never mind". Beats anything I ever saw!

    • profile image

      gutsandgrace 2 years ago

      Run fast and run far if someone is so coldhearted and 2 faced that they cannot even give you the dignity of a breakup. I let a man go off and on into my life more than once and he just did it again- how stupid am I? If they do it once, they will most certainly do it again. So if they come back with lame excuses- kick em back to the curb where they belong. These type of people are EMOTIONAL CRIPPLES and cowards, and users and the only person they care about is THEMSELVES. Trust me on this.

    • profile image

      gutsandgrace 2 years ago

      I know this is an older hub but it happened to me. More than once. My advice to anyone is if the person comes back- don't let them back in. I did, and he did the same exact thing 11 months later. One day on a Saturday he's telling me he loves me and misses me and he'll be to my place by 4 on Sunday, the next he stands me up and drops off the face of the earth. Painful stuff.

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      ksturges 3 years ago

      Hi all,

      I am a casting director currently casting a new TV show about women dating men who just up and disappear. If this is you or someone you know and you/they live in the greater NY area, email me at: ksturgescasting@gmail.com

      Thanks,

      Kelli

    • profile image

      renarabbit 3 years ago from lake elsinore

      A yr and a half with him living with me and he disappeared a month ago and I just found out his # was changed. He has a lot of his belongings still here. My friends and family say I am a fool to believe he will be back. I have started to pack some of his stuff up but I want to believe he will be back...but I am only kidding myself right?

    • profile image

      Amy Haskins 3 years ago

      I don't know if you're still responding, but I am going to write out a little of my story - maybe it will help just to lay it out that way, even without a response.

      I met my ex 17 years ago and we dated and lived together for a couple of years. It was a loving a beautiful and sweet relationship. I went off to grad school and he moved to follow a job, and we kind of just let the relationship end without really talking about it. I know we both felt a little like our lives were changing dramatically and we just gently let it go. But we stayed in close contact. For years we'd get together again whenever we were both single, and it was always so fantastic. Sometimes we'd be back together for the space of a year - visiting every couple of months. Always super compatible and the sex was great. And each on our own came to the realization that we felt like we were coming home whenever we were together. I think I romanticized this sort of star-crossed lovers thing we've had a bit. Both of us busy with careers, and one or the other of us would eventually get together with someone and we'd move back into friendship. Remarkably, neither of us has ever been truly angry with the other, maybe a little sadness if one of us was on their own while the other in a relationship, but nothing difficult otherwise. It's been something that has kept both of us going through the hard times in life, those lovely uplifting times, and our enduring friendship. Four years ago, we got together in earnest, and have stayed solid through these four years. It has been long distance, still, but we managed to see each other every few months for a week to 10 days at a stretch. This past year, I worked very hard very long hours on a job that would enable me to actually have the time and money to go out to him, or have him come out to me to actually take a month or two of living together in real time to see if the relationship could grow in a more normal set of circumstances (not these one week honeymoons). I was scared because I realized that this could be the end of us, and also scared because it could be the beginning in a lot of ways - the idea being that if we both felt it went well, then I would relocate.

      Well, just in the past couple of months, he started getting a little distant, acting a little different towards me in ways I couldn't quite put my finger on - perhaps out of my own fears, but also in part because I knew he was struggling with work and I wanted to give him space - I also didn't want to be making things up in my head because I trust him to tell me if something's wrong. Something was. He was coming for a visit, and being lovey and sweet, but something in the way he phrased something made me stop and ask if he needed to talk to me before the visit. He ended the relationship. He met someone. It's over, no conversation, no working on it, no coming out to visit. Nothing. I feel betrayed and confused that he never even talked to me about it. After all these years. Just done. And he seemed so over it - even as he was telling me he loved me and wished he had my faith in us and hoped he wasn't making a mistake, he was also saying that he was uncertain if we were compatible or if we'd ever get close (?), and that there was no chance of a future. I just feel so lost. He has always been so very deep in my heart. We haven't had any contact in 3 weeks, and I just feel so alone and sad and it feels so totally unreal. Like part of me can't believe it happened. I so want to talk to him and yet I feel like there is nothing I can say. I am trying really hard to take care of myself and figure out how to let go, but I almost feel like I don't know what that means. He's been in my heart for most of my adult life. And part of me just wants to reach out to him because I know he must be hurting too.

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      Lillyanne 3 years ago

      dear Donotfear, I posted here around 4 months ago about a guy who disappeared on me after 2 years of knowing him, and thanks for your reply. Much appreciated, now guess what, a text from him around 2 weeks ago, trying to make contact I suppose. Bah, did not reply, his words had zero impact on me, and anyway, what's this nonsense of sending texts, it is just such a lazy form of communication, hiding behind your computer and punching out a few words and hoping for what, If you really, really want to contact somebody, pick up the phone and arrange a meet- up to TALK, communicate properly. All this new technology is fantastic but has serious drawbacks in personal affairs. Hey, you can even tweet somebody goodbye now, text them goodbye or go on Facebook and defriend them. Whatever, it all cries 'coward'. In olden days, this would not have been possible. I suppose the point I am making, after much reflection, is that you can move on, forget even but forgiveness is the hardest bit and that is the reason why I will never respond back to a couple of characters of text message. You learn so much in the intervening time. Thanks so.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Mixed Up: You certainly have a right to feel frustrated! How utterly appalling that your spouse would leave you in that situation! I'm amazed that you are so resilient! You've done the best you can do. Over time, the underlying tears will begin to lessen, though always present. Have you tried counseling? Or how about a group? By telling sharing your story, you may have helped many others. Congratulations. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel after a devastating loss like this. Try reading the book 'How to Survive the Loss of a Love'. God bless you always....you are alive, you will survive and bring light to others with your positive spirit.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Nick, your idea for for a meetup is great; unfortunately, it's not possible. I wrote this article because I had this happen so many times and wanted to share and hopefully help someone else. Why don't you get involved in a singles group at a church or other organization? Remember, it's more important to be happy with yourself, first. Don't give up!!

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      nick: It benefits you. The situation informs you that she is unstable and still dealing with a past that haunts her. Hopefully, she will seek counseling. I know women like this. They have a preconceived idea of the ideal man because that's what is familiar to them. Anything other than that, they cannot relate to.

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      Mixedup 3 years ago

      It's 22 months since my husband of 15 years disappeared, he left a letter with no contact information and instructions to sell our home or any support for the mortgage would be stopped. My work contract was coming to an end and within months I had sold our home, left my job and moved country. I relocated had a year off to process emotion and now have a new job and home, although I rent. I'm on holiday having returned to see friends in the old location. I'm doing things I love and seeing people who love me yet there's an underlying veil of tears and a lack of peace. It's not been like this for a long time and yet here it is emotion resurging and unplaced I can't put voice to the source. It frustrating and I feel pathetic I should be happy.

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      nick 3 years ago

      I hope I actually find someone who'll treat me right soon. I'm 33 and not getting younger.

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      nick 3 years ago

      Men and women on here know how it feels to be lonely and get hurt. Is there any way we can meet up and have a singles event or something? That'd be awesome.

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      nick 3 years ago

      Donotfear,

      Its so illogical. Its human instinct to want to be loved. There was this woman I treated like a queen. I had more to offer her than the man she ran back to in every possible way. She finally told me by phone she had a bad life and a bad, abusive father and she was telling me to give me closure. I never blamed myself but she's miserable with this man and I'm alone and single still. How does this benefit either of us?

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Christina,

      I must agree...sounds rather like a mind game, to me.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Anne, sure, why not write to someone who has left with no official goodbye? If they ignore it, at least you have an answer and you can move on.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Well Nick, maybe so.

    • Cristiana Paris profile image

      Cristiana Paris 3 years ago

      Why do they do that?? How sick is to disappear not considering the other person's feeling?

      My situation is ridiculous and I knew it was coming, I met this Scorpion man online, we saw each other for one year almost every weekend, I have to admit he helped with my last abusive relationship, I got out with his advices.

      After I left my husband we starter to see each other, I knew he was very private person, I am the opposite, I am open minded, he wasn't, I keep going until I decided it was time to move on, so I let him know I no longer could be with a man so private. One month late he came back, calling me and texting me. We got back together, after two date he disappear with no information or break up, I forgot my ring with him, just got with no note or nothing....Miserable human.. Coward...

    • profile image

      ANNE 3 years ago

      Should you write to someone if he has left you without a word?

    • profile image

      nick l 3 years ago

      Three words....borderline personality disorder.

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      Anonymus1 3 years ago

      I met a guy online a few months ago by coincidence. Were just acquaintances- semi friendship. Within a few days he said if I ever needed someone to listen perhaps communicate by phone or in person. We live long distance which he wasn't aware of at first. I said emailing I'm ok with and the other two in time. He was fine with that, no pressure. And yes I did tell him I lived in a different part of the country. He has a very busy career. I'm the one who emails the most he responds. My past was abuse hence trust issues. He knows a bit about that , he's understanding if

      it.

      Our communication was once a week with him responding within the dame or next day. But one day I was feeling anxious due to past issues and questioned our talking. Because I've been hurt many times in the past- people abandoning me, I would rather someone give me closure than disappear. And yet he never said anything to me that he would indicate it's over. It's that ugly anxious worry that crops up inside of me. Our friendship is new if your going to leave do it now early on. In my anxious state I fired off an email basically saying if he should ever wish to stop communicating with me inform me. I would like to continue emailing but not sure you feel the same? He responded and nothing appeared to indicate no. I felt awful after asking such a thing. Did I offend him etc. I apologized saying i had a rough day full of anxiety and would like to continue. No response. Seven days later I emailed without mentioning the above. He responded. Maybe 12 days passed, I was busy. Sent him another email- basic talk as usual, no response. This particular month is really busy at his work so I tried to tell myself he's swamped. I let another 7 days pass, and decided to test the waters. Also i was feeling quite ill at the time. I told him I had been busy, unfortunately dealing with an illness on my way to recovering. I have info to share with him ( hobby he does) and could send it soon. He responded within 1-2 hours thanked me for the email, hope you recover soon... Rest up....

      I took that as ok were still on par. This week I sent him info and no response yet.

      We have never met, only two to two and half months of emailing. He has responded to 90 percent. I think email communication is more awkward compared to phone or in person. In the past month he's responded twice to 2 emails i sent. Few others no. I have my own issues of anxiety to deal with ( working on that) the type of person who would rather have closure- if you don't want to communicate tell me- there are polite ways of doing it. Walking away and disappearing is more hurtful. With this acquaintance , sort of friendship I find I'm starting to distance myself so I don't get hurt.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Terry,

      If he told her to leave him alone, I would take heed. Why bother with someone who is brushing you off? This answer is plain: go the other direction and RUN, don't walk to an exit!

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      Terry 3 years ago

      My married friend had an affair with her batch mate who is on the verge of divorce after they met after 20 years.They had sex too once. Her friend lives abroad and nowadays he avoids her and always says leave him alone whereas before meeting he used to be always in touch via cell or net.What should she do? Should she part with this guy even though he says he does not want to leave her.She is very tense please suggest.Her batch mate says he loved her from long.

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      summer 3 years ago

      thank you for this article.this is what exactly i needed right now..thank you

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Truewoman, you are absolutely right!

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      Truewoman 3 years ago

      That's the thing that is puzzling me to this day and I think that it will always have me confused. I have been going through my mind over and over of different scenarios of what might have happen. It like I have let it go, but not technically because I am still thinking about what had happened. I just don't want to assume and think that thats the reason why. The silence is not enough closure for me. The writing the long email to him is still not enough. I could keep myself busy all day 24/7 and he would still pop up in my mind. But you are right, he is happy at where he wants to be so why bother him with a phone call. Hew should have just told me why we stopped talking.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Good girl: I apologize for overlooking your comment. First I must tell you how sorry I am that you are so hurt right now. You certainly have a right to your feelings of abandonment and confusion.

      Take a moment to look back and see what may have occurred to make him pull away. Perhaps it was having sex too soon.....I'm thinking it was, possibly, spilling your guts and emotions to a man who was not ready to take it all in. Information overload. It really had nothing to do with YOU, as a person. It has everything to do with HIM, not being able to process your intensity.

      You were not wrong or right in revealing yourself to him. It was what you were feeling at the time. Sending constant, demanding emails and phone calls is not the answer. But at the time, you wanted answers. He wasn't willing to give them. I believe it overwhelmed him.

      Your guilt associated with knowing you were intimate too soon should be a signal for you. Was alcohol involved? You obviously have strong values or you wouldn't be experiencing guilt. He sounds as if he's not in tune with himself. If he has that kind of instability, he needs to work through it.

      Now is the time to pull back. Enjoy you. Don't reach out to him...he's where he wants to be. As much as is hurts, as angry as it makes you, at yourself, it's a reality. It hurts, yes. But you are worth a lot. Get busy, stay involved in activities and do what you like to do. Let him own his problem.....you own yourself.

      God bless, seek counseling if the pain becomes worse.

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      Truewoman 3 years ago

      donotfear- I'm curious to know what your comment is to GoodGirl

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Paula, this is exactly what I was trying to convey in this article. You knew each other well....and he just acted like "oh, never mind" and walked away. The very fact that he hasn't answered you is proof of the kind of person he really is. There is a huge chunk of sensitivity missing in him. I know you must be shocked at his behavior. It's too much of a disbelief to accept right now....let yourself heal slowly and don't reach out to him. You are right; his silence is your closure. Why not hang out with your friends and plan something special? Remember, staying busy and keeping your thoughts off of the situation is a good step in the right direction. Remember, it won't always hurt this bad. God bless.

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      Paula C 3 years ago

      I am glad I found this article. I have a male friend that I have known for 2 years and I developed feelings for him and it seemed he developed feelings for me because over the summer he was very amorous toward me. I fell hard and then all the sudden, things changed. His life got busier and I would rarely here from him. I always felt as if I had to flag him down to communicate with him. Finally, after hardly seeing or hearing from him, I sat down and composed a letter expressing my feelings and how I needed some closure because I didn't know what we were. I felt abandoned and ditched. I sent the email two weeks ago. I have not heard from him. The fact that I have not heard any response to say: "Hey, it's best we just be friends" has been killing me. I still love him no matter what as he has been a positive force in my life but the fact that he just disappeared hurts me so. I will try to see this "not hearing from back from him" as closure and just move on. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. He meant so much to me and it seems like to him I am just so small and insignificant.

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      GoodGirl 3 years ago

      I started a new job 3 months ago and I began to have an attraction for this guy that I noticed that works with me. At first I was very hesistant about reaching out to him but I finally did when I heard in a meeting that he was in a car accident. I decided to reach out to him via email to see how he was doing. At first it was two co workers beign friendly and professional to each other. We talked via email for maybe a month and a half until I had to ask if he was in a relationship. He wasn't then we began to talk and started to get to know each other. I was laid off from my job right gave him my phone number and email address. When I got home, I noticed that I didn't get an email back so I decided to email him from my personal email. He reached out to me and told me that he wanted to still get to know me and go out for lunch. We Finally went out for lunch 2 weeks later and it was the perfect date and was the happest that I have ever been. He picked me up, opened the car door for me and everything. We spoke at the restaurant and we had a great time. The night ended with a kiss which was what I was very hesistant about because I really liked him and wanted to take my time to get to know him. The kiss was great. So we went out again next week. Lunch and a movie. Later on that evening we got a little close and we had sex. Now its my rule to never have sex early in a relationship especially with someone that I have only known for maybe a few months. After out first date, we were already holding hands. Even Our conversation that I had with him, he told me would it be silly for me to say that I love you now. At first I thought that he was just moving a little too fast for me. But it was funny because we felt the same weay, it was just him that express it first. We also talked a lot about him meeting my family and my son as well. When we had sex it wasn't great. I knew that it wasn't great because I didn't have any emotion of love for him enough to do it. But he told me that he is a very emoitional and passionate person , which I thought was a little odd for a guy to have. I guess that made me feel a little more comfortable about having sex with him. He told me that he has been hurt before. That girls don't see the same thing that I see in him. I told him before we had our date and sex that so what would happen after I had sex with you, you just going to stop talking to me. He said that he had no intentions in hurting me. I'm writing this now just thinking how dumb I was to have sex with this dude when I just fell for his game. When having sex I could tell he was nervous because he was shaking and kept apologising. He even said that he was nervous. The next day I felt so guily and regretful about what I did. We continued to talk the next day. The next day however he came over and hung out with me a little while until he had to go to work. I remember we were having a conversation about something and I was expressing to him about I hope sex is not all that you want. We just watched tv and held hands and kiss the time that he was with me. I was telling him that the weekend that was coming up at that time would be a perfect weekend for us to hang out because I didn't have my son the whole weekend. But his father and sisters birthday he was celebrating that whole weekend. The next day we spoke however I was very emoitional because I just started my cycle and thats how I am around the time of the month. Also I was feeling emoitional because I lost my job as well. I remember asking him a question "what do you see in me...I have nothing and you have more than me". He did because he had two luxury cars and he owned a home. I had a lot as well but I was more comaparing the materlistic things with him. I was afraid of loosing my car, I had no job, no income coming in, and i live with my parents. Then I apologised and told him that I was very emoitional around this time of the month and that to not listen to me. He told me to stay positive. We continued to have a conversation about football and asked what team my family likes just so that he knows when he gets to meet them. He asked about my son and I was talking about how much energy he asks. He told me that he had to go and he wanted to hear my voice. Later on that same day I texted him and emailed him. I just thought oh he is busy and would later respond and he never did. He told me that i could text or email him. That was the last that i heard from him. I didn't hear from him the next day and I didn't bother to reach out because I knew that he was so busy with celebrating his father birthday and throwing his sister a party in the same weekend. The Monday i felt very emoitional and immediately thought that he just used me for sex and started crying and everything. I sent him another email in the morning. I asked him if he changed his mind about me since I haven't heard from him in a few days and said i'm sorry but maybe its just because I miss you. No answer after that. three days later I called from my house phone and he answers. I said "I am calling I guess to say hi". I said that because I just thought that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He said that he was confused. I said that i was confused to. I asked him if he was busy and he said that he was on his way into work annd that he could find the time to call him after he finished a few things. That entire day he never called me backi tried calling him back that evening because I thought that maybe he got busy...nothing. I called him the Satyrday before Christmas because he mention that he was going to Europe during the holidays....nothing. I cried the whole weekend. I just felt hurt. There was so many things that i wanted to talk to him about. I decided to write him an email because there was so many feelings going on inside me that I had to let it out before the new year. So I bascially wrote hima long email just saying how many times I tried to reach out to him and that i thought we had a connection whether it was a friendship or relationship. I was also expressing that I didn't want to call or email too much either because I didnt want to do too much with someone that I felt didn't want to talk to me anymore and I didn't want to walk away until I tried to reach out to him to see what happen and why we stopped talking. I just thought that he was the kind of guy that was a gentleman and was honest but I guess you never know these days. He never responded to my email until this day. I blamed myself for this not working out between us because I had sex with him and thats what guys do its just leave once they got what they wanted. i also blame myself because I thought it was something that i may have said to him. I told myself in the new year that i would call him and i did already twice this month. There was nothing in my mind bad about this relationship, everything was going well. i told him what i wanted and didn't want. i left my sons father 3 years ago and never dated or had sex with anyone since. I was in a relationship with my sons father for 7 years. In that last year i had my son with him and he physically and verbally abusive to me. I told all of this to the guy that I was dating at the time. I even told him that I had a son way before we started to get to know each other. i then again was feeling angry because I could beleive that someone would take advantage of someone that has gotten over a abusive relationship and lost their job. i think about him every single day. I dream about him all the time. I just want to know one thing and that was why we stopped talking. I don't care about getting back with him but I just wanted answers. Even though I wrote that letter out to him, its still not enough closure for me because its again his closure not mine.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Lillyanne: You are so right! Wow! You identified the problem, faced it head on, accepted it and are living with the aftermath, yet moving forward. I'm so impressed with your post here. Thank you.

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      Lillyanne 3 years ago

      I had this happen to me too, a man who had been in my life for more than two years just disappeared, thanks a bunch mate, you went on to your new adventure, whatever it was/is and left me to deal with the aftermath. This was 5 months ago and I am still coming to terms. But a few thoughts..... If I am being honest, it was not totally out of the blue, or out of character, I had seen the wishy washy behaviour, the inability to commit, the back and forth, indeciveness but I chose to ignore it because I was in love and I thought he would come around, but they never do. And the grand finale, he just cleared off, no goodbye, closure. It was like been consigned to the rubbish heap. I sent him a few messages, not a hundred but no reply so I decided to cut my losses and get on with it but it has been hard. I think what is really important in this kind of situation is not to run away from the feeling of loss but rather really acnowledge and feel those feelings and live with them and try and get your own answers and the biggest question I ask is why I let somebody like that into my life in the first place and what is there to learn and how I will ensure that I will not repeat it. As for the disappearing thing, there has to be something ALL WRONG about that and about the person who did it. It is unspeakably callous, ruthless not to mention selfish and immature. Isn't it such a pity to wait until the end of a relationship to get the true measure of a person as the way in which a person ends a relationship speaks volumes about them, all you need to know, but as I already said, I should not have been too surprised, usually we know there is something wrong before this happens but we do nothing about it, head in the sand syndrome. I am doing fine and getting there slowly, rejection like this is a terrible thing, traumatic and I am giving myself the time and space to get over it, but there are days whe I wish that I had never laid eyes on him in the first place, a damaged person no doubt with his own crosses to bear. Sorry for hogging the blog!! Best wishes.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Wayne:

      I'm sorry you've been treated this way! How utterly tasteless!

      Think about it, Wayne. She was your long-distance girlfriend for nearly a year then, wham-o! She disappears. Okay, there are only 2 possibilities here:

      1. She died.

      2. She doesn't want to be connected to you anymore because she's saying 'yes' to another part of her life.

      If she died, there is nothing you can do. I trust you have a way of finding this our or not?

      Now, if she decided to go a different direction, how can you get closure? I think her silence, lack of response, inaction and utter selfishness can be a form of closure. It's her way of saying 'see ya' because she's too much of a coward to speak to you about it. So is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with?

      Facing the facts can the the hardest thing of all. Endless emails, phone calls and texts that go unanswered are a waste of time. I'm glad glad glad you removed her pictures and took her off your phone. GOOD. No more contact is good.

      You do deserve to know why, but she's not going to step up to the plate. She's too weak. Do you want a weak person to spend your life with?

      Hang on, Wayne, sunny days are on the way! Get out, do what you want, make friends!!! Kiss yourself, join a group therapy, a 12-step program, a church group...anything to keep you occupied and around positive people. Don't give up!!

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Ward:

      If you aren't comfortable with her relationships with other men, it's something you need to discuss with her in a mature way. Of course, you don't want to come across possessive, but tell her how it makes you feel. If you trust this lady, continue on and see if you can learn how to deal with your insecurities. But talk to her first...she'll never know unless you say something. Go easy......good luck.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Jackie...honey; RUN, don't walk to an exit. This guy was a nut! You are basing your connection to him on fake ideas he gave you. It fulfilled a need for you, then when he showed his true colors-BAM!! Stop making excuses for the pervert. Don't try to contact him again, he could be anywhere doing anything to anybody. Please please please, listen to that still, small voice inside called "instinct" and close the door! Heck, put it in a coffin and nail the lid shut! Your emotional side is hanging onto the crumbs of 'sweetness' he laid out on the plate for you but he kept the cake for himself.

      Get out and make new friends! Treat yourself well, get involved in good things. You deserve it.....you don't deserve to be self defeated.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Nick,

      I must say, you are probably right. People gravitate toward what is familiar and if all they know is irrational, dysfunctional, abandoning behavior, that's usually what ends up happening. You can break the cycle but it takes practice learning how to recognize healthy traits in people. It's rather self defeating to continually lean towards the same kind of people. Group therapy does wonders to help....try it.

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      wayne 3 years ago

      I just found your site so you'll have to forgive me as I'm going to vent and for what I might say.

      I was(?) in a international long distance relationship, I'm in the US and she's in Europe. We met online not so uncommon nowadays. After months of chatting/emailing and talking we finally met. We both seemed very comfortable with each other not without some nervousness of course. I knew our situation was different cause of the distance but we both at the time...still tried because we wanted to be with each other regardless. Truthfully, I had insecurity issues that made me doubt at times whether I was the right guy for her but decided to work past it to make myself a better man and in the long term better for us. I had emotionally invested myself into this woman, we both shared intimate details of our pasts and family lives. We were like any couple that has disagreements, commonalities, differences etc but (then) worked towards the goal of staying together. 11 months into a year of being together, she stops all communication with me. She purposely started ignoring me, wouldn't take my calls, no text, no video chat...nothing, unless you call getting a merry Christmas sticker emailed to you that was it. I won't lie, I was desperately trying to get her to communicate what the issue is/why she isn't talking to me - still nothing. I made a plea to her via recorded video to not give up on us but, if she didn't feel the same I'd respect her wishes. Since can't read minds all I asked was just say whether she wants to stay or end us. It's going on January 8 and to this very moment it's like I'm dead to her. I don't understand how a grown woman can just throw 11 months of a progressive relationship without any reasoning or care?!? It'd be different if we were teenagers or very young adults but two grown ass people?!? I just don't understand and the worse part was we were talking about getting engaged later down the road and the possibility of a child. I admit that might be soon and can fully understand the hesitation. But the whole point of being in a relationship is committing yourself to one person regardless of the potential problems that arise work together to get through it. This has all made me feel like a fool, angry, depressed and disappointed. Today i took her pictures and info off my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to try and contact her again. If you say you care for and or love someone aren't you suppose to mean it? I just can't believe this is how she's behaving and worse the way it's ending.

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      ward 3 years ago

      I'm just now finding this, & venting so hope you don't mind reading a lot...

      I'm in a international long distance relationship, I'm in the US & she's in Europe. We met online not all that uncommon nowadays. We met in person & seemed to be comfortable with each other, not with standing natural nervousness. The thing was i knew our situation was different since it involved her being far away but didn't realize just how much of a issue it would turn out. She & I were like any couple with exception to being so far away from each other. The problems started when I became insecure because

      has a lot of male friends and after witnessing very flirty which she she claimed was just friendly.

      The problems came once I started to have doubt's via her having

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      Jackie 3 years ago

      Thank you so much for this and other articles.

      Jordan - I know how it feels. How are things going now?

      I met a man on the internet, who I loved and I thought he loved me (we lived in different counties), but then he started acting odd and distant, then just disappeared never to be heard from again. I thought I was losing my mind, still do. I sent him about 100 emails which have gone unanswered over the past year. I kept apologizing if I had done anything wrong to please forgive me, and i just wanted to be friends. His silence made me feel as if I was obsessed and crazy, but I only wanted him to say something - anything. I can't believe that he could just not give a damn. This guy sent me daily messages and emails for almost three years, telling me almost daily that he loved me, and we should be together. Then he tells me he had another woman, just wanting casual sex with her. Then he said she had become obsessed with him, she lived near him, and he was close to ringing the police. Maybe that was why he pushed me away too? I thought maybe he's dead, and cried and cried not knowing, then I found out he was alive and well.

      I am really confused, and depressed.

      This guy was banned three times from the forum we met on due to harassing other members and verbal insults etc. In private he told me he was a misogynist, but not a real one. But he said he loved a woman - me. Then he starts getting all verbally abusive to me - telling me I'm delusional, telling me to go cut myself like woman do, that he never knows what I'm going on about, that other woman are better than me, that I'm insane, a stalker (I'm not), and then eventually he tells me that the love we had was just my dream and delusion. Then I never hear from him again.

      My emotions were in a constant roller coaster. I'm a Christian single mother of five, I never touched alcohol, but turned to alcohol to feel ok. My faith has suffered. I don't know what to do. I still love the man.

      I still remember the sweet side to him that I saw for a awhile, and miss him.

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      nick 3 years ago

      Are 99 percent of men/women emotionally unavailable/unattainable? I can't seem to find a girlfriend/wife and "girls" who wound up admitting to being emotionally unavailable/immature,giving me closure for rejecting me. Its still a drag because I'm in my 30s already,I'm still single, and not getting any younger. It seems as if unattainable men and unattainable women get and stay together thinking they can't get anyone better.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Omseeker:

      All I can say is WOW. You have totally laid it out there! And you have answered all your questions. You are totally in tune with yourself and your feelings. My hat is off to you. You have admitted your shortcomings, attempted to make an amends, and are taking the action necessary to better yourself. My friend, you are on the road to recovery!

      Reading your story empowered me...you are being totally honest with yourself. What an inspiration. I'm glad to see that you are in a 12 step program. I noticed in your post you said something about him (your mate) going to Al-anon meetings. You are doing all the right things to recover from this. You don't mention what your career is or if finances allow, but it may help if you could possibly move from the apartment into something new. It would be like a fresh start.

      How about adopting a new cat? It would be YOURS, not to associate with the "WE" from before. Nobody can take YOUR cat away. See what I mean?....

      It does seem that your mate connected with a female, somehow. You know, I think that gay men can be attracted to females, not in the sexual/physical sense, but in the intimate friendship sense. I love gay men, though I'm a straight female. I feel comfortable with gay men, I feel I can spill my guts and be safe. I'm sure he just felt that kinship with her, not to replace you in any way.

      If he lied a lot, it tells you his true character. I'm glad you are recognizing that you are not at fault for what he chose to do. It is his problem. It's amazing that you can point out every detail that pointed to this ending. It proves you can beat this. It will take time, but you can do it. You've already proved it!

      When you get a new cat, name it Donotfear! Take care of yourself, friend. You are all right...!

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Loulou;

      to be honest, I don't know what to tell you. I can't figure out why someone who has been around for years would just "fade away". Perhaps one way you could look at it would be to view it as he is saying "yes" to another part of his life; it had nothing to do with you. It was HIM. Think of a friend you may have had in the past who you were very close too, then your lives took different directions and you haven't seen or heard from each other in years. I've had that very thing happen with more than 1 close friend.

      People's lives just go different directions, though nothing may change between the 2 of you. Can you look at it in that perspective, maybe, and receive a bit of comfort? I hope so, you certainly deserve it! I might add, also, that there is not an excuse for bad behavior. Good luck.

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      omseeker 3 years ago

      To describe what I am feeling - words do no justice.

      The story sounds crazy even to me, but here goes:

      I was with a man for almost 3 years. For about 2 1/2, I could say he was fairly codependent. I made up excuses, but I think that's what he was. He basically had no friends - no real friends. Just work friends (he travels for work). I KNOW how he felt because I had felt that in the past with romantic partners. For that reason, I think I made it okay; I understood.

      Looking at my own behavior, and it took me a long while to realize the extent of it, I was controlling. Ego wants to make excuses for it because the bf allowed it. He wanted it. He once said something along the lines of "I like that you keep me in my place." I didn't take it to mean, "Treat me like shit." Rather, I think he could be mouthy with men in the past. I'm not a man that guys do that with. Like I said, I'm sometimes controlling.

      But so was he. In subtle, passive aggressive ways. I don't think either of us was aware of how controlling he was.

      At one point I insisted that he go to Al-Anon meetings because he was smothering me. I wanted him to have friends and a good life. I thought that our relationship should only be part of a good life. The icing on the cake - not the cake.

      So this is a man who I traveled with, opened much of heart to (as much as I could), shared with, moved to a new place with, adopted cats with, made future plans with.

      He met a friend at work earlier this year. They became close in a very fast way. He thought she was hysterically funny; I didn't. But I was glad that he had a friend.

      A friend. One.

      So many things come to me now - why did I not open my eyes to it then?

      I feel ashamed and stupid and then back to ashamed.

      We moved into a bigger place in July (had been living in a one-bedroom with cats). I thought so many of our problems would be solved! I found myself, for the first time in years, actually missing him when he was at work.

      Yet there was the controlling part of me. I loved him. I took care of him. I wanted good for him. But I still judged his mannerisms sometimes (I cringe that I did that).

      He began to get distant a couple weeks after we moved into this place. It was also when he began to work every shift with his new friend (a couple ignorant people have suggested he was bisexual; I would be more surprised at that than if he could fly; the guy is 100% gay). He also texted her constantly. I felt jealous sometimes, and noted it. I didn't say anything.

      I started to feel very insecure and he was pulling away. Believe me, I know that a needy man is not sexy. It was because of my own past neediness that I was able to be compassionate toward his past neediness re: that. I think many men would have left him during the first couple years.

      We had a huge fight in early October of this year. I felt no interest coming from him; rather, I felt some disdain. He had gone from ALL interest in me to seeming NO interest. He also started snapping and being mean sometimes (I'm not an angel, either. I make amends for my mistakes. So did he, mostly. But either I started feeling sensitive more often, or he was snapping more; I'm not quite sure.). I asked him, while he was on a trip, if he wanted to break up with me. It sure seemed like he did. Professing love but not being around are words and actions not matching. That stuff makes me nuts. I think he knew that and started to not care. And THAT really hurt.

      He told me that he had shown his friend my e-mails and text messages and she agreed that I was crazy. I was indignant. I was hurt. That was a bad fight. I cursed at him and insulted him; he did the same. We had never fought like that for the first 2 1/2 years. We had hardly fought at all.

      I profusely and sincerely apologized the next day. I had a spiritual awakening about much of my behavior and changed it.

      It took me a while and some talks with a friend of mine to realize that I wasn't ready for him to have this friend.

      But I felt her influencing him. He was preoccupied with her. I watched them together. They had no boundaries. She took a phone call from her own boyfriend here once, and he paused the movie we were watching and sat quietly while she talked on the phone. It was bizarre to me that she didn't excuse herself and go to another room.

      He had also always lied - little stupid lies - throughout the relationship. People would say, "Jeff, we all lie. You're being too hard on him. He's afraid. Have compassion." So I did. The lies made me crazy, but I "forgave" because of compassion.

      Or was it because I was afraid of being alone?

      Yeah, that was partly it.

      And I loved him.

      I hoped he would change.

      I hoped, with my directness and honesty, he would learn by example, how to communicate.

      My mistake: I didn't accept him with all his flaws. Nor did he learn the lesson I thought he should.

      About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I wrote him an e-mail saying that I felt like I couldn't trust him anymore. I did this because I wanted change - again, from his end, changing his actions to satisfy me - and reassurances of love.

      He responded that afternoon, "I picked up a trip. We'll work it out when I get back."

      I was furious and sad and afraid, but gave him his space.

      But he didn't return from the trip.

      I e-mailed him 4 days later. He replied, "I'm not sending the trip. I'll tell you when I'm coming home when I want to come home."

      I literally laughed out loud at this. It was so juvenile. And thoughtless. I was in shock as well.

      Last Tuesday he came home while I was at work and moved all of his things out. No note. No explanation. He took the cats we adopted together. I begged him via e-mail to return my cat.

      "No. The keys are at the front desk."

      This has been one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.

      I do see where he became more distant in the past months.

      But I never ever expected something like this. We always said we would enter counseling before breaking up.

      His behavior reminds me of someone who used cocaine or has a manic episode. But he can't use drugs because of his job and there was no sign of mental illness.

      I am filled with hate sometimes. Such a rare and dark hatred toward him and the friend (I know him and know he would not have concocted something like this on his own...but the choices were his).

      I watch Jack Kornfield videos and go to 12-step meetings and read spiritual words and talk to friend and write because the only way to get through this - for ME - is to forgive.

      But each day I come home to this apartment, worry about money, and wonder why he left. He gave no explanation. It is a terrible feeling.

      So any feedback or thoughts are appreciated.

      Thank you for reading this long post.

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      Loulou 3 years ago

      That last story is a terrible one, really terrible, I feel so sorry for that man to have encountered someone like this. I was disappeared on too. It was a relationship which lasted a few years. He just faded away without a word, not even a paltry text and it was easy as we did not live together. I did not see the signs and it is so strange as he did not seem to be the type of person who would do this, he must have been thinking things that he did not share with me and I guess, took the easy way out. I am not over emotional or a psycho so it would have been easy to talk to me about whatever was on his mind. I always trusted him but now I am wondering all sorts of things like had he something to hide or someone else, had I been too trusting, should I have delved a bit deeper. It is so bizarre. That was a few months ago so I am still trying to come to terms. Tried contacting him too but to no avail so I have stopped and now radio silence. Tell me, what kind of a man would do this? It is truly despicable and will make me wary in the future and that is such a shame as by nature I am not a suspicious person but now there are all kinds of things going through my mind. Any thoughts and thanks.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Tomcat:

      You were dealing with a pathological liar. She sounds very mentally ill. To help yourself get closure, I would suggest you read up on Borderline Personality Disorder. I have a sneaky suspicion that she fits the bill perfectly.

      Think of her as a very sick person. She's probably been doing this most of her life. You cannot feel sorry for her to the point that you go running to her to try and "help" her. Her behavior is not normal. Anyone who would go to the lengths she has to emotionally attach themselves is not well.

      Your best bet is to get counseling for yourself to help with the anger. And one last thing: RUN, don't walk to an exit.

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      Tomcat1982 4 years ago

      Actually I can attest to a perfectly good reason why people leave and never say a word. I met who I thought was the most beautiful women that I prayed I would one day marry. We had the most beautiful relationship for 7 months and then I found out she was still married and he was working nights. She went as far as me staying with her on the weekends and I guess she would hide all of his stuff when I came over. She had a teenage son that I played xbox with and he never said a word; all went well until my sister inlaw seen him walking out one day ( the hubby I had no clue about ) and I went to where she was, got my stuff and told her I was pissed off and done. She sent me 700 texts in 3 weeks and just went crazy and I remained silent. Fast forward about a year and I was still in love with her so I sat down and wrote her a long letter telling her how bad she had hurt me and that I still loved her. She then contacted me and told me how sorry she was and how she wanted to apologize to my face. So I ended up going out to her house and when I seen her again I realized how much I still loved her and ended up getting back with her a second time considering she had gotten a divorce for real this time. All went well for a while then the she started to lie to me over stupid crap and I left: she then texts me every day for weeks like before and then hints at being pregnant so I finally respond back. She said yes she was pregnant and I went out to see her; she was puking and appeared to have morning sickness. About a week later things did not add up still and I got an hpt so she could show me to calm my fears and she exploded and kicked me out. Then a week later she chased me down and said she had went to a sonogram without me, but did not have a hardcopy and had only taken a picture with her phone of the moniter. She showed me the pic and it looked legit so once again I moved back in with her. This all lasted about a month until I realized she was starting her period and then I found the same sonogram belonging to another woman in another country and I guess she had photo shopped it to look like hers. She drove me nuts again with the craziest texts and started sending me belly pics and it was clear she was putting a pillow under her shirt; my friends seen her at 4,5 and 6 months and she wasn't pregnant. So I guess I was really stupid, but there is a really good reason as to why a man would walk away without saying a word. I have a 9 page letter that has been sitting on my desk for a while and people keep telling me not to send it because she is leaving me alone in our small town; but for some reason even though I walked, I still have no closure. Any ideas on how to handle this considering it is kind of backwards since I am the one who left quietly in anger and full of shame over what she did?

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      I hope you can find closure, too, Cynthia. That was very thoughtless of him to brush you off like "never mind". I hope you will focus on building friendships and stay busy doing fun things. There is no need to hurt him back in any way because you are bigger than his immaturity. You can move on....bless you.

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      Cynthia Cuffee 4 years ago

      I got it worse the guy I been with for 7 months after seeing me 3 weeks ago talking to me like everything normal got intimate with me kissed me goodbye than disappeared and also took the extra mile and changed his # I also know he is ok I see he is back online this is the cruelest thing someone ever done to me honestly I'd never be able to trust I wish I could hurt him but he not even worth I know he'll get his one day he has no remorse for what he did truly a sick person hopefully I can move on find my own closure.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Ann, I'm glad to know you are moving on. Isn't it strange how some people come on so strong, then just disappear? I'll never understand it.

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      Ann 4 years ago

      This was a very helpful post. I recently have been left hanging and am still hanging actually, by a man who I had been dating for 2 months. Although that may not seem long, we he had already met my parents and we were exclusive. He officially asked me to be his girlfriend last Wednesday and after our great date and his last text of telling me he got home safe, I have not heard from him once. He does not answer my calls or texts. So of course I have stopped trying but I feel extremely upset about it all. I was looking up some things to help me get over this all and I found this post. It really made me feel better. So thank you :)

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Elsa,

      Wow! You are absolutely right....and how wonderful of you to think of the abandoning person as a wounded creature. That is an example of healthy healing. You have been successful in regaining an understanding and acceptance. I commend you for your courage and willingness to face your loss. Great job! God bless you.

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      Elsa 4 years ago

      Dear Donotfear. I promised you an update after the last post some months ago, as I said, not often you get feedback on your board about how everybody is doing after the feedback you give, always wise and useful, I may add. I am the one that was disappeared on by text just a few days before Christmas 2012. I would just like to say that all the techniques you mentioned about revitalising your life, bringing you to a much better place, of grieving first, then acceptance and finally moving on. The only one thing I would add is that I am convinced that the person who abandons you, the ghost in your past, the person you struggle to let go of, is in a far worse place than than the person they abandoned, so frivolously and so irresponsibly. They are wounded creatures, hurt themselves, terribly hurt from some things they have experienced down the line of their existance and way they leave us is the only way they know, because somebody has already done it to them. It is a learned behaviour.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Always True:

      I'm sorry this happened to you. He seems to be quite the coward and irresponsible as well. You made the right decision.

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      AlwaysTrue2Myself 4 years ago from USA

      He was only in training for a week and we spoke the day before he left. Not once did he mention he wasnt going to have his phone. This is stuff he'll usually tell me in advance but not this time. He didnt speak to me long enough to explain why he didnt have phone over a 4 day period. Plus, he would always call back as he said but that stopped too. So maybe I was too quick but his consistency was lacking and I started to doubt his word. Therefore, yes, I sensed there was more to his silence and he never did call back to correct me if I was wrong about his intentions and direction with me. Inaction is also an action, that was my answer.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Always True:

      If he didn't have access to his phone, then he couldn't call you. Depending on what kind of training he was in. Did he say why he didn't have access to his phone?

      You obviously sensed there was more to his silence than meets the eye. I hope this can turn into a learning experience for you. Good luck...

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      AlwaysTrue2Myself 4 years ago from USA

      I had create my own closure. This guy I have been talking to for the last 3 months just disappeared. He's consistently called and texted pretty much everyday for those months. We only met up twice due to both of our busy schedules but talked all the time about any and everything. We shared personal details of our lives, salaries, future goals, etc. I thought he was the one. He went out of town for one week of training. Didnt call or text for 2 weeks. I didnt know if the plane crashed or what. I called 2 times during the first week, once during the second week. Still no response, nothing. I felt ultimately betrayed. We've talked about accountability, integrity, character and naturally not assuming things. Communication is imperative for both he and I. So why did he stop communicating? I dont assume but I see only the actions of his lack of response. All I could see was that he wasnt a man of his word or better yet his character was seriously flawed. All the things he mentioned he didnt like were all the things he laid on the table for me. I was pissed, angry, sad and then I just let it go. On that 15th day, he texted saying he just got his phone back. For 4 days he never spoke to me long enough to explain his lack of consideration. Since he had a two week leg up of not having me around, I ended it by telling him we were obviously moving in different directions. Needless to say, he didnt reply back. I stay true to myself at all times, if he pulled this ish already who knows what other nonsense behaviors he's capable of. I thought he was long term potential. Glad he showed me he wasn't early on.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      I think you are doing the right thing, which is giving him nothing. That's pretty lame for him to not respond. I have a word for that: Chicken S***. If that's the way he is, it's only a precursor to what will come later.

      We can rack our brains trying to figure out a logical explanation for disappearing behavior, make up all kinds of scenarios in our mind to excuse it, but the reality is, the person who inflicts it is just lacking in character and respect. That being said, we ask ourselves "do we need someone like that in our lives?"

      This is exactly why I wrote the article. I feel for you....hang in there and concentrate on meeting new people.

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      Rie Pie 4 years ago

      I'm going through some abandonment right now.

      I had been dating this guy for about six months. We met at a ski resort. He was an instructor there, and I knew right from the start he liked me. He added me on Facebook, and I gave him my number and we started texting. He only lived about 45 minutes away from where I lived, so we started spending a lot of time together.

      I fell head over heels for him! He made me so happy, and even when we weren't together I would just think of his smile and I would get twitter-patted. I think that's when I knew I loved him.

      After the ski season was over, he was looking for another job, and towards the end of May he found a job teaching people how to water ski and wakeboard. This job was in a different state, but still only about two and a half hours away from where I lived. I thought that we could make things work. Before he officially moved out there he was telling me that he wanted to buy a cabin with me and he was going to help me get a job in the field of work that I'm pursuing. I thought that meant that he really wanted me in his life and he saw our relationship as long term, and that made me feel so secure and happy.

      Over the next few weeks, when he was working at this new job, things were fine at first, but then I started to feel as if he was distancing himself from me. I was planning on going to visit him, and I texted him and asked if he still wanted me to come, but he never texted back.

      I decided to give him some space, so I waited a week and then called to see what was going on. But when I called, he never answered. I left a voicemail, but he never called back. I called him a few more times over the next couple of days, but never heard from him. I couldn't help but feel like he was ignoring my calls. By then, I decided to leave him alone.

      I haven't tried to contact him since then, and I haven't heard anything from him either. I un-friended him on Facebook(I know, harsh, but it had to be done) and tried to move on. This was a little over three weeks ago, by the way.

      But I still don't feel like I have closure. I miss him terribly, and I miss the happiness that I had with him. I keep wondering if I did something wrong or said something to hurt him.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Sad to say that this is becoming the norm for treatment these days. And what's worse, is that many just accept it as normal and move on, not recognizing the rudeness and lack of respect. It's the result of taking Morals out of the home and implanting images of a perfect a world. My upbringing taught me that this is bad behavior is unacceptable.

      Good luck to you.

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      left wondering 4 years ago

      Me too, two full years and the disappearing act. No explanation, no phonecall, no nothing . Just vanished into thin air. It was easy him as it was a long distance relationship. Easy for him but I was left wondering. That was five months ago and I am still getting over it. i could sort of accept that if it been a few weeks, but when intimacy is involved, surely the person owes it to you to say something, close or have we moved into a world when this kind of behaviour will become mainstream? It is horrible.

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      ignoring sucks 4 years ago

      I can handle anything but an unanswered question and I can move on beyond anything but NEED closure. I have so much going on and even though I end things in a weird way, I end things and when I don't get a response back I find it irritating! and hurtful. I get hurt by their lack of response.

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      tryingtomoveon 4 years ago

      Thank you for creating this page - you have no idea just how much it has helped me.

      I'm going through a similar situation myself at the moment, courtesy of a 2 1/2 year online relationship where he has disappeared without trace, and any attempts to contact him have been completely ignored.

      Reading others' experiences and the responses given has made me realise just how selfish, self-centred and cruel this 'man' has been to me.

      Thank you once again.

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      MS girl:

      Congratulations! You have made a very difficult decision. I wish you my very best. I'm impressed with the questions you asked yourself above; it shows you are mature & able. You asked yourself the most important questions that relate to the rest of your life. This could help a lot of people. I pray you make lots of new friends as you venture forth with your new, improved life. Enjoy your freedom and do things YOU like doing. It's always a choice.

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      MS girl 4 years ago

      Hey all,

      After asking myself few questions I have decided to let it GO !!!....

      I asked myself

      1) can i share my love with others? NO

      2) do I still want to be in a relationship that I feel lonely & alone? NO

      3) can I still bear with the secretive relationship? NO

      4) will I be uneasy to hear / see my partner living with other lady in his life? YES

      5) any future for this relationship? NO

      6) Do I still have time to waste for this man? NO

      7) will I be miserable & live fearful if I take up the relationship? YES

      8) can he gives me a perfect family in future? NO

      With all the answer I did, I realised its time to let it go & MOVE ON. Im no longer young. I have reached 30 & it is time to protect & reserve my time & youth to someone that deserve it. Im saying BYEBYE to this struggle & trashing it into the bin!!!!

      Thanks for all the support. I really appreciated & love this hub! Will stay & tune in for more

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      MS girl 4 years ago

      Thanks for all the encouragements, ideas & advises. I think no one can helps beside me myself to decide whats next for me. I'll seriously reconsider & think deeply & understand what is happening here. Living with darkness is never easy & good. Really hate this feeling. I'm getting tired & fed up analysing this relationship over and over again. This is time for me to make a decision to move on or cling onto it. Will update all on my decision soon

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Recover:

      Thanks for encouraging others.

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      RecoverToday 4 years ago from United States

      MS Girl....I have read your postings. You are not alone in your despair. I believe you have received some excellent input. I pray you find peace and understanding.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      MS girl:

      He's using the surgery issue as an excuse to continue giving you crumbs of the cake to entice you to desire the cake later. He wants it to appear that he is sacrificing by not being with you due to his illness. You answered your own question. You know he's married, but still make excuses for his dishonesty toward her.

      You can beat yourself up for years wondering WHY. The answer is there, you answered it. It's up to you to decide whether to continue.

      I highly recommend you seek professional counsel. This situation is disrupting your life and you don't have the power to control it. I do not feel comfortable corresponding privately. I'm sorry, but I am not a professional counselor. You must seek one. I've given my opinions and suggestions. Now, it's up to you.

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      MS girl 4 years ago

      Donotfear,

      Truly i'm grateful & appreciated with your times spent to reply my messages. Besides thanks is thanks.

      Is there any possibility for me to make our conversation in private such as email? Thats because i want to consult something more privacy with you

    • profile image

      MS girl 4 years ago

      Really appreciated your kind opinions & ideas.

      (A) as far as I know him, he is the man of the house after his dad passed away. His words are an order for the family members. That makes me feel uneasy & doubting whether he is taking his mum as a reason to end our relationship or probably is true. Only he knows the truth.

      Yes, you were right. I'm falling where I started 2 months ago. Sometimes, i asked myself isnt it better if he didn't resume our contact & i were doing quite well. At one moment i did regret to return his calls.

      I don't know what is the game he is playing. Why must he reappeared after the incident? Why must he insisted to see me before his operation? Why must he still care for me? Why must he told me that he will never delete me in his life but he will never bring me along to go thru his sickness? Is it because he just want to resume our friendship & i'm the one that hoping for miracle to happen.

      Yes, i know he is married. And there is a limitation in our relationship. Im not blinded with love. Im still sober. But what i know is he has give up on his wife. Before he walked off, he did proven to me that he needs sometime to clean up his mess. Whether with or without my presence he will still clean it for the seek of himself.

      Yesterday night he called me but happened that i'm still not feeling well thats why I couldnt make it to meet him.

      What I'm confused is, he has clearly told me that he still love me but he cant accept our relationship anymore. Therefore since he has decided to give up but why still showing me his feeling/care & etc? What actually he wants from me? To just be his friend? Or he is reluctant to let go but he is force to give up? Or he is still unsure & indecisive with his decision thats why he is doing all this? Or he doesnt dare to make any decision / planning with me because he still doesnt know the outcome of the surgery. And now he is standing very firm to walk away so at least if he fails in the surgery i wont be that hurt / feel guilty leaving me alone ?

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      MS Girl: I can't give you advise on what to do. You are right back where you started; falling back into the cycle of his weakness and him using it to keep you clinging. Why are you doing this to yourself?

      (a)Does he always listen to his mother and do as she says?

      (b)He's tugging at your heart....what are you getting out of this?

      (c)He confessed his love for you: great, but playing like he can't be with you due to the illness is lame.

      (d)You were right to rest and ignore his calls. I just wish you could continue.

      (e)He is playing that tug of war with you again, reeling you in, you take the bait, he runs with it and backs away from you....

      I don't give straight advise but I can remind you: He's married. If you make a choice to try to win him, expect the same thing over and over. Why continue to allow this treatment ? i]It's your choice. Decide if you want to continue or let go. He's married. He's married. And he does what his mother tells him.

      Remember that

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      donotfear 4 years ago from The Boondocks

      Elsa: You bet! Let us hear back.....

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      MS girl 4 years ago

      Thanks for your advices. Here is the update;

      (1) he has called me & asked for a chance to explain what actually happened that make him walked off : he said he found out that he has heart disease which i believe is true because before the incident he always fall sick & i was supposed to accompany him for the medical check up. At the same time his mother saw my text in his phone. She gaves him 2choices. Either leave the home & continue our relationship or break up with me. At that moment he didnt think much because he couldnt accept the fact that he is ill

      (B) during our met up after he walked off, he told me he want to see me before his surgery because he afraid he may not return forever. Again & again he beg for me to ser him. I agreed & met him but then again he requested it because he has delayed his travel before the surgery. Thus he said pls allow him to see me again

      (C) he confessed that he still love & miss me. The feeling for me didnt changed. It is just that he cant accept it to drag me along & face the darkness. The doctor told him that even after ths surgery the disease will strike again anytime. He doesnt want to let me live in suffer & darkness. I asked him why must he gave up on me but not his wife. He told me that he has give up on his wife & given her permission to leave him too.

      (D) yesterday i have fall sick & admitted in hospital. I did told him about him. He sounded worried & called me several times but i ignored all his calls because i need to have space for myself & rest

      (E) after knowing myself that i still couldnt let go, i started to persuade him hoping he will change his mind. But he stand very firm with his decision because he couldnt accept to bring anyone together with his sickness. Im doing my best to protect our relationship because I know he still has feeling for me.

      My question are

      (1) how should i convince him to reconsider his decision because he told me that he is in the mindset to delete all the feeling for me. But im still reluctant to do it

      (2) tomorrow he will start his holiday before his surgery on end of June. In this period of time shall i keep in touch with him or wait for him to contact me? Which way will helps in getting him back after his surgery?

      (3) i heard about play hard to get but does it works in my current situation?

      Please give me your best advise for me to win his heart back & assure to him that i dont mind whether or not his disease will return in future, all i want is to spend the time together while we still have chance

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      Elsa 4 years ago

      Donotfear your advice is spot on and especially those options. I am the one who received a text, now that was just plain cruel. See the previous post. Well, if I were this lady, I would choose your second option. Be brave, be bold and call him. Chances are, he will not pick up because sorry to say he is lame and weak, and chances are that he will not pick up and then you can deliver your well crafted message direct to his ear. I will post later giving feedback where I am at.. So seldom there is feedback on this board. Thanks