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Relationship Advice When Someone Disappears From Your Life

Updated on December 24, 2016
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Annette Sharp holds a BAAS in Behavioral Science from Texas A&M. She is a counselor and motivator with an empathetic heart.


Joined: 8 years agoFollowers: 806Articles: 66
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Intro

Lack of closure in a relationship is something that can linger forever. How do you get closure? If you both agree that the relationship is over, it’s closure. If there’s a big argument that leaves two people unable to agree to disagree, it can't be closure.

What is closure? According to Webster’s New World Dictionary, closure is 1) a closing or being closed 2) a finish; end 3) anything that closes. Another definition is "to come to an end." Wikipedia calls closure, in the psychological sense, "a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life."

Advice for What to Do Now

So what do you do if you’ve been left hanging? How do you get a sense of closure? I’m going to list my suggestions followed by some great resources I found while exploring the subject. My suggestion is to write a letter to the one who left, even though you may not know where to send it. Then, tear it up or burn it. Consider their silence the closure you need. Inaction on their part can act as closure for you. People make a way to do what they want. Remind yourself that if the person wants to talk to you, they will. It has nothing to do with you, but it has everything to do with them. They’re simply saying "yes" to another part of their life.

So how do you deal with the sadness and hurt?

  1. Stay busy. Renew old friendships & do things for yourself.
  2. Acknowledge your pain. Don’t deny it. Let yourself cry if you need to.
  3. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Self medication is only a temporary fix.
  4. Don’t start a new relationship immediately.
  5. Seek counseling if the pain becomes overbearing.

Feelings of Abandonment in a Relationship

Lack of closure can leave you with feelings of abandonment. For most, closure happens when your significant other tells you point blank: It’s over. Both parties accept, agree, and go on with their lives. Clearly, it’s more complicated and hurtful when you don’t want it to end, but the other involved does.

Finally, there’s the worst scenario: when one individual disappears suddenly with no explanation. It’s more difficult because you don’t know the reasons why. It can leave the abandoned partner with a feeling of being used or "having the rug pulled out from under them." What do you do? Call continuously until you get an answer? Send endless emails & text messages that remain unanswered? When there’s no response, it leads to an increased feeling of panic that you’ve been deserted.

Closure is important because it gives one a chance to tie up emotional loose ends with an official ending.

When They Disappear

When somebody disappears with no response, it's not a good sign. It's also hurtful, for sure. Deleting every trace of the person is sometimes the best thing to do, though it's painful.

Think of this: what kind of person comes into your life, takes you on a roller coaster ride, and then disappears? There’s something wrong with that picture. In fact, it leaves you with a sense of complete rejection. Sometimes those who disconnect are never heard from again. They may reappear, however. If they do, that's when one must be strong and not let the person back in again to prevent the pattern from repeating. Otherwise, you’ll be left feeling empty and betrayed again. Unless, of course, there was a legitimate, true reason for the disappearing act, though I can’t think of many legitimate excuses. Can you?

Is He Cheating?

I remember when this happened to me years ago with someone I’d been steadily involved with for about six weeks. We spent a wonderful weekend together, and I thought we were getting closer. Then poof! I didn't hear from him for a week. I called him and left a message, but he didn't return the call. I called him at work. He said he'd been "covered up" with a project. He made no plans with me for the coming weekend. I was very sad and lonesome that weekend. I tried to stay busy, but I had a bad feeling inside.

Then I found out the real slammer the following Monday. He had answered some woman’s personal ad in the newspaper and had begun seeing her! Talk about a slap! May as well have rubbed crap in my face! I confronted him (or tried to). His reaction was, "I didn't want there to be a catastrophe. What do you want me to say? 'Baby baby, come back, I love you?' Cause I’m not!" That was cold and shocking, to say the least. I mean, why the heck couldn't he have just told me he wanted to start seeing somebody else? Sure, it would hurt, but it would have been so much easier. Plus, it would have saved me from developing a poor opinion of him. It was just plain tasteless and degrading. Why not just be honest?

Why the Abandonment With No Explanation?

I'll never understand why some people think that disappearing is the best course of action when you want out of a relationship. It could save a lot of hurt for the other involved if there was open communication. Sure, it hurts to lose somebody, but it's much easier when you're not left hanging, not knowing the reasons why. The end result is a casual brush-off that is demoralizing, to say the least. Especially if you have shared many private things: things you believed were special between the two of you. Then comes the casual "Oh never mind" disappearing act. Unfortunately, actions speak louder than words. Sadly, many people we care for disappoint us in the most demeaning manner. It makes you wonder all sorts of theories. Were they lying all along? What was the true motive? What happened in their life to cause such a sudden change? Why did he/she leave? It is the "need to know" that keeps us from a much needed sense of closure.

Important to Go on With Life

Lack of closure can significantly affect our lives if we allow it. You can't deny the hurt, loss, and abandonment that accompanies an unexpected departure of a significant other in your life. If we can learn to stop beating ourselves up over the "why and how" of the deserting other, we can turn a negative situation into a positive learning experience. Developing the coping skills necessary to obtain a sense of closure can assist us in forgiving, letting go, and moving on.

Disclaimer

The author is not a licensed therapist and does not claim to have all the answers. The author offers moral support, suggestions, and urges readers to seek professional help if needed. The author is not an expert on relationships.

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    • Angela b 32 hours ago

      My partner of 23 years just ran off with someone else on Christmas eve and I am no further forward than I was that night. It is horrible, the roller-coaster of emotions. I have many non functioning days. I have to think that he has problems I did not know about or I will drive myself mad blaming myself.

    • Nick 8 months ago

      Ill be your man Donotfear. Youre obviously very beautiful inside and out.

    • Loving mother 14 months ago

      I was in a relationship with a man that I loved unconditionally but to find out he was back and forth with the mother of his kids. Needless to say I got pregnant with twins and confronted the other woman. After that he was furious and we didn't talk as much but I ran into the other woman after I had the twins, she realized that I had given birth. After that day I never heard from him again! My twins are 4 years old now asking about there father. Today I have so many emotions, I forgiven him but Some days I miss him and hope that one day my kids would have a chance to meet their father. I really want to have one conversation with him perhaps for my own closure without the drama. I no longer feel angry because I no since his father walked away when he was born it is only expected. I have started a new relationship with a nice man but my ex still has a piece in my heart especially when I sometimes see him in my twins.

    • jennie 22 months ago

      Well the man I was talking to he supposed to get divorced and we should be available to continue our relationship but when the day was here I just didn't heard nothing from him :/ why why???

    • Alaine Opilas profile image

      Alaine Opilas 2 years ago from Philippines

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Hard cold facts

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      gutsandgrace: I hear ya. Poof, gone. Like, "oh....never mind". Beats anything I ever saw!

    • gutsandgrace 2 years ago

      Run fast and run far if someone is so coldhearted and 2 faced that they cannot even give you the dignity of a breakup. I let a man go off and on into my life more than once and he just did it again- how stupid am I? If they do it once, they will most certainly do it again. So if they come back with lame excuses- kick em back to the curb where they belong. These type of people are EMOTIONAL CRIPPLES and cowards, and users and the only person they care about is THEMSELVES. Trust me on this.

    • gutsandgrace 2 years ago

      I know this is an older hub but it happened to me. More than once. My advice to anyone is if the person comes back- don't let them back in. I did, and he did the same exact thing 11 months later. One day on a Saturday he's telling me he loves me and misses me and he'll be to my place by 4 on Sunday, the next he stands me up and drops off the face of the earth. Painful stuff.

    • ksturges 2 years ago

      Hi all,

      I am a casting director currently casting a new TV show about women dating men who just up and disappear. If this is you or someone you know and you/they live in the greater NY area, email me at: ksturgescasting@gmail.com

      Thanks,

      Kelli

    • renarabbit 2 years ago from lake elsinore

      A yr and a half with him living with me and he disappeared a month ago and I just found out his # was changed. He has a lot of his belongings still here. My friends and family say I am a fool to believe he will be back. I have started to pack some of his stuff up but I want to believe he will be back...but I am only kidding myself right?

    • Amy Haskins 2 years ago

      I don't know if you're still responding, but I am going to write out a little of my story - maybe it will help just to lay it out that way, even without a response.

      I met my ex 17 years ago and we dated and lived together for a couple of years. It was a loving a beautiful and sweet relationship. I went off to grad school and he moved to follow a job, and we kind of just let the relationship end without really talking about it. I know we both felt a little like our lives were changing dramatically and we just gently let it go. But we stayed in close contact. For years we'd get together again whenever we were both single, and it was always so fantastic. Sometimes we'd be back together for the space of a year - visiting every couple of months. Always super compatible and the sex was great. And each on our own came to the realization that we felt like we were coming home whenever we were together. I think I romanticized this sort of star-crossed lovers thing we've had a bit. Both of us busy with careers, and one or the other of us would eventually get together with someone and we'd move back into friendship. Remarkably, neither of us has ever been truly angry with the other, maybe a little sadness if one of us was on their own while the other in a relationship, but nothing difficult otherwise. It's been something that has kept both of us going through the hard times in life, those lovely uplifting times, and our enduring friendship. Four years ago, we got together in earnest, and have stayed solid through these four years. It has been long distance, still, but we managed to see each other every few months for a week to 10 days at a stretch. This past year, I worked very hard very long hours on a job that would enable me to actually have the time and money to go out to him, or have him come out to me to actually take a month or two of living together in real time to see if the relationship could grow in a more normal set of circumstances (not these one week honeymoons). I was scared because I realized that this could be the end of us, and also scared because it could be the beginning in a lot of ways - the idea being that if we both felt it went well, then I would relocate.

      Well, just in the past couple of months, he started getting a little distant, acting a little different towards me in ways I couldn't quite put my finger on - perhaps out of my own fears, but also in part because I knew he was struggling with work and I wanted to give him space - I also didn't want to be making things up in my head because I trust him to tell me if something's wrong. Something was. He was coming for a visit, and being lovey and sweet, but something in the way he phrased something made me stop and ask if he needed to talk to me before the visit. He ended the relationship. He met someone. It's over, no conversation, no working on it, no coming out to visit. Nothing. I feel betrayed and confused that he never even talked to me about it. After all these years. Just done. And he seemed so over it - even as he was telling me he loved me and wished he had my faith in us and hoped he wasn't making a mistake, he was also saying that he was uncertain if we were compatible or if we'd ever get close (?), and that there was no chance of a future. I just feel so lost. He has always been so very deep in my heart. We haven't had any contact in 3 weeks, and I just feel so alone and sad and it feels so totally unreal. Like part of me can't believe it happened. I so want to talk to him and yet I feel like there is nothing I can say. I am trying really hard to take care of myself and figure out how to let go, but I almost feel like I don't know what that means. He's been in my heart for most of my adult life. And part of me just wants to reach out to him because I know he must be hurting too.

    • Lillyanne 2 years ago

      dear Donotfear, I posted here around 4 months ago about a guy who disappeared on me after 2 years of knowing him, and thanks for your reply. Much appreciated, now guess what, a text from him around 2 weeks ago, trying to make contact I suppose. Bah, did not reply, his words had zero impact on me, and anyway, what's this nonsense of sending texts, it is just such a lazy form of communication, hiding behind your computer and punching out a few words and hoping for what, If you really, really want to contact somebody, pick up the phone and arrange a meet- up to TALK, communicate properly. All this new technology is fantastic but has serious drawbacks in personal affairs. Hey, you can even tweet somebody goodbye now, text them goodbye or go on Facebook and defriend them. Whatever, it all cries 'coward'. In olden days, this would not have been possible. I suppose the point I am making, after much reflection, is that you can move on, forget even but forgiveness is the hardest bit and that is the reason why I will never respond back to a couple of characters of text message. You learn so much in the intervening time. Thanks so.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Mixed Up: You certainly have a right to feel frustrated! How utterly appalling that your spouse would leave you in that situation! I'm amazed that you are so resilient! You've done the best you can do. Over time, the underlying tears will begin to lessen, though always present. Have you tried counseling? Or how about a group? By telling sharing your story, you may have helped many others. Congratulations. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel after a devastating loss like this. Try reading the book 'How to Survive the Loss of a Love'. God bless you always....you are alive, you will survive and bring light to others with your positive spirit.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Nick, your idea for for a meetup is great; unfortunately, it's not possible. I wrote this article because I had this happen so many times and wanted to share and hopefully help someone else. Why don't you get involved in a singles group at a church or other organization? Remember, it's more important to be happy with yourself, first. Don't give up!!

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      nick: It benefits you. The situation informs you that she is unstable and still dealing with a past that haunts her. Hopefully, she will seek counseling. I know women like this. They have a preconceived idea of the ideal man because that's what is familiar to them. Anything other than that, they cannot relate to.

    • Mixedup 2 years ago

      It's 22 months since my husband of 15 years disappeared, he left a letter with no contact information and instructions to sell our home or any support for the mortgage would be stopped. My work contract was coming to an end and within months I had sold our home, left my job and moved country. I relocated had a year off to process emotion and now have a new job and home, although I rent. I'm on holiday having returned to see friends in the old location. I'm doing things I love and seeing people who love me yet there's an underlying veil of tears and a lack of peace. It's not been like this for a long time and yet here it is emotion resurging and unplaced I can't put voice to the source. It frustrating and I feel pathetic I should be happy.

    • nick 2 years ago

      I hope I actually find someone who'll treat me right soon. I'm 33 and not getting younger.

    • nick 2 years ago

      Men and women on here know how it feels to be lonely and get hurt. Is there any way we can meet up and have a singles event or something? That'd be awesome.

    • nick 2 years ago

      Donotfear,

      Its so illogical. Its human instinct to want to be loved. There was this woman I treated like a queen. I had more to offer her than the man she ran back to in every possible way. She finally told me by phone she had a bad life and a bad, abusive father and she was telling me to give me closure. I never blamed myself but she's miserable with this man and I'm alone and single still. How does this benefit either of us?

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Christina,

      I must agree...sounds rather like a mind game, to me.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Anne, sure, why not write to someone who has left with no official goodbye? If they ignore it, at least you have an answer and you can move on.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Well Nick, maybe so.

    • Cristiana Paris profile image

      Cristiana Paris 2 years ago

      Why do they do that?? How sick is to disappear not considering the other person's feeling?

      My situation is ridiculous and I knew it was coming, I met this Scorpion man online, we saw each other for one year almost every weekend, I have to admit he helped with my last abusive relationship, I got out with his advices.

      After I left my husband we starter to see each other, I knew he was very private person, I am the opposite, I am open minded, he wasn't, I keep going until I decided it was time to move on, so I let him know I no longer could be with a man so private. One month late he came back, calling me and texting me. We got back together, after two date he disappear with no information or break up, I forgot my ring with him, just got with no note or nothing....Miserable human.. Coward...

    • ANNE 2 years ago

      Should you write to someone if he has left you without a word?

    • nick l 2 years ago

      Three words....borderline personality disorder.

    • Anonymus1 2 years ago

      I met a guy online a few months ago by coincidence. Were just acquaintances- semi friendship. Within a few days he said if I ever needed someone to listen perhaps communicate by phone or in person. We live long distance which he wasn't aware of at first. I said emailing I'm ok with and the other two in time. He was fine with that, no pressure. And yes I did tell him I lived in a different part of the country. He has a very busy career. I'm the one who emails the most he responds. My past was abuse hence trust issues. He knows a bit about that , he's understanding if

      it.

      Our communication was once a week with him responding within the dame or next day. But one day I was feeling anxious due to past issues and questioned our talking. Because I've been hurt many times in the past- people abandoning me, I would rather someone give me closure than disappear. And yet he never said anything to me that he would indicate it's over. It's that ugly anxious worry that crops up inside of me. Our friendship is new if your going to leave do it now early on. In my anxious state I fired off an email basically saying if he should ever wish to stop communicating with me inform me. I would like to continue emailing but not sure you feel the same? He responded and nothing appeared to indicate no. I felt awful after asking such a thing. Did I offend him etc. I apologized saying i had a rough day full of anxiety and would like to continue. No response. Seven days later I emailed without mentioning the above. He responded. Maybe 12 days passed, I was busy. Sent him another email- basic talk as usual, no response. This particular month is really busy at his work so I tried to tell myself he's swamped. I let another 7 days pass, and decided to test the waters. Also i was feeling quite ill at the time. I told him I had been busy, unfortunately dealing with an illness on my way to recovering. I have info to share with him ( hobby he does) and could send it soon. He responded within 1-2 hours thanked me for the email, hope you recover soon... Rest up....

      I took that as ok were still on par. This week I sent him info and no response yet.

      We have never met, only two to two and half months of emailing. He has responded to 90 percent. I think email communication is more awkward compared to phone or in person. In the past month he's responded twice to 2 emails i sent. Few others no. I have my own issues of anxiety to deal with ( working on that) the type of person who would rather have closure- if you don't want to communicate tell me- there are polite ways of doing it. Walking away and disappearing is more hurtful. With this acquaintance , sort of friendship I find I'm starting to distance myself so I don't get hurt.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Terry,

      If he told her to leave him alone, I would take heed. Why bother with someone who is brushing you off? This answer is plain: go the other direction and RUN, don't walk to an exit!

    • Terry 2 years ago

      My married friend had an affair with her batch mate who is on the verge of divorce after they met after 20 years.They had sex too once. Her friend lives abroad and nowadays he avoids her and always says leave him alone whereas before meeting he used to be always in touch via cell or net.What should she do? Should she part with this guy even though he says he does not want to leave her.She is very tense please suggest.Her batch mate says he loved her from long.

    • summer 2 years ago

      thank you for this article.this is what exactly i needed right now..thank you

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Truewoman, you are absolutely right!

    • Truewoman 2 years ago

      That's the thing that is puzzling me to this day and I think that it will always have me confused. I have been going through my mind over and over of different scenarios of what might have happen. It like I have let it go, but not technically because I am still thinking about what had happened. I just don't want to assume and think that thats the reason why. The silence is not enough closure for me. The writing the long email to him is still not enough. I could keep myself busy all day 24/7 and he would still pop up in my mind. But you are right, he is happy at where he wants to be so why bother him with a phone call. Hew should have just told me why we stopped talking.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Good girl: I apologize for overlooking your comment. First I must tell you how sorry I am that you are so hurt right now. You certainly have a right to your feelings of abandonment and confusion.

      Take a moment to look back and see what may have occurred to make him pull away. Perhaps it was having sex too soon.....I'm thinking it was, possibly, spilling your guts and emotions to a man who was not ready to take it all in. Information overload. It really had nothing to do with YOU, as a person. It has everything to do with HIM, not being able to process your intensity.

      You were not wrong or right in revealing yourself to him. It was what you were feeling at the time. Sending constant, demanding emails and phone calls is not the answer. But at the time, you wanted answers. He wasn't willing to give them. I believe it overwhelmed him.

      Your guilt associated with knowing you were intimate too soon should be a signal for you. Was alcohol involved? You obviously have strong values or you wouldn't be experiencing guilt. He sounds as if he's not in tune with himself. If he has that kind of instability, he needs to work through it.

      Now is the time to pull back. Enjoy you. Don't reach out to him...he's where he wants to be. As much as is hurts, as angry as it makes you, at yourself, it's a reality. It hurts, yes. But you are worth a lot. Get busy, stay involved in activities and do what you like to do. Let him own his problem.....you own yourself.

      God bless, seek counseling if the pain becomes worse.

    • Truewoman 2 years ago

      donotfear- I'm curious to know what your comment is to GoodGirl

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Paula, this is exactly what I was trying to convey in this article. You knew each other well....and he just acted like "oh, never mind" and walked away. The very fact that he hasn't answered you is proof of the kind of person he really is. There is a huge chunk of sensitivity missing in him. I know you must be shocked at his behavior. It's too much of a disbelief to accept right now....let yourself heal slowly and don't reach out to him. You are right; his silence is your closure. Why not hang out with your friends and plan something special? Remember, staying busy and keeping your thoughts off of the situation is a good step in the right direction. Remember, it won't always hurt this bad. God bless.

    • Paula C 2 years ago

      I am glad I found this article. I have a male friend that I have known for 2 years and I developed feelings for him and it seemed he developed feelings for me because over the summer he was very amorous toward me. I fell hard and then all the sudden, things changed. His life got busier and I would rarely here from him. I always felt as if I had to flag him down to communicate with him. Finally, after hardly seeing or hearing from him, I sat down and composed a letter expressing my feelings and how I needed some closure because I didn't know what we were. I felt abandoned and ditched. I sent the email two weeks ago. I have not heard from him. The fact that I have not heard any response to say: "Hey, it's best we just be friends" has been killing me. I still love him no matter what as he has been a positive force in my life but the fact that he just disappeared hurts me so. I will try to see this "not hearing from back from him" as closure and just move on. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. He meant so much to me and it seems like to him I am just so small and insignificant.

    • GoodGirl 2 years ago

      I started a new job 3 months ago and I began to have an attraction for this guy that I noticed that works with me. At first I was very hesistant about reaching out to him but I finally did when I heard in a meeting that he was in a car accident. I decided to reach out to him via email to see how he was doing. At first it was two co workers beign friendly and professional to each other. We talked via email for maybe a month and a half until I had to ask if he was in a relationship. He wasn't then we began to talk and started to get to know each other. I was laid off from my job right gave him my phone number and email address. When I got home, I noticed that I didn't get an email back so I decided to email him from my personal email. He reached out to me and told me that he wanted to still get to know me and go out for lunch. We Finally went out for lunch 2 weeks later and it was the perfect date and was the happest that I have ever been. He picked me up, opened the car door for me and everything. We spoke at the restaurant and we had a great time. The night ended with a kiss which was what I was very hesistant about because I really liked him and wanted to take my time to get to know him. The kiss was great. So we went out again next week. Lunch and a movie. Later on that evening we got a little close and we had sex. Now its my rule to never have sex early in a relationship especially with someone that I have only known for maybe a few months. After out first date, we were already holding hands. Even Our conversation that I had with him, he told me would it be silly for me to say that I love you now. At first I thought that he was just moving a little too fast for me. But it was funny because we felt the same weay, it was just him that express it first. We also talked a lot about him meeting my family and my son as well. When we had sex it wasn't great. I knew that it wasn't great because I didn't have any emotion of love for him enough to do it. But he told me that he is a very emoitional and passionate person , which I thought was a little odd for a guy to have. I guess that made me feel a little more comfortable about having sex with him. He told me that he has been hurt before. That girls don't see the same thing that I see in him. I told him before we had our date and sex that so what would happen after I had sex with you, you just going to stop talking to me. He said that he had no intentions in hurting me. I'm writing this now just thinking how dumb I was to have sex with this dude when I just fell for his game. When having sex I could tell he was nervous because he was shaking and kept apologising. He even said that he was nervous. The next day I felt so guily and regretful about what I did. We continued to talk the next day. The next day however he came over and hung out with me a little while until he had to go to work. I remember we were having a conversation about something and I was expressing to him about I hope sex is not all that you want. We just watched tv and held hands and kiss the time that he was with me. I was telling him that the weekend that was coming up at that time would be a perfect weekend for us to hang out because I didn't have my son the whole weekend. But his father and sisters birthday he was celebrating that whole weekend. The next day we spoke however I was very emoitional because I just started my cycle and thats how I am around the time of the month. Also I was feeling emoitional because I lost my job as well. I remember asking him a question "what do you see in me...I have nothing and you have more than me". He did because he had two luxury cars and he owned a home. I had a lot as well but I was more comaparing the materlistic things with him. I was afraid of loosing my car, I had no job, no income coming in, and i live with my parents. Then I apologised and told him that I was very emoitional around this time of the month and that to not listen to me. He told me to stay positive. We continued to have a conversation about football and asked what team my family likes just so that he knows when he gets to meet them. He asked about my son and I was talking about how much energy he asks. He told me that he had to go and he wanted to hear my voice. Later on that same day I texted him and emailed him. I just thought oh he is busy and would later respond and he never did. He told me that i could text or email him. That was the last that i heard from him. I didn't hear from him the next day and I didn't bother to reach out because I knew that he was so busy with celebrating his father birthday and throwing his sister a party in the same weekend. The Monday i felt very emoitional and immediately thought that he just used me for sex and started crying and everything. I sent him another email in the morning. I asked him if he changed his mind about me since I haven't heard from him in a few days and said i'm sorry but maybe its just because I miss you. No answer after that. three days later I called from my house phone and he answers. I said "I am calling I guess to say hi". I said that because I just thought that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. He said that he was confused. I said that i was confused to. I asked him if he was busy and he said that he was on his way into work annd that he could find the time to call him after he finished a few things. That entire day he never called me backi tried calling him back that evening because I thought that maybe he got busy...nothing. I called him the Satyrday before Christmas because he mention that he was going to Europe during the holidays....nothing. I cried the whole weekend. I just felt hurt. There was so many things that i wanted to talk to him about. I decided to write him an email because there was so many feelings going on inside me that I had to let it out before the new year. So I bascially wrote hima long email just saying how many times I tried to reach out to him and that i thought we had a connection whether it was a friendship or relationship. I was also expressing that I didn't want to call or email too much either because I didnt want to do too much with someone that I felt didn't want to talk to me anymore and I didn't want to walk away until I tried to reach out to him to see what happen and why we stopped talking. I just thought that he was the kind of guy that was a gentleman and was honest but I guess you never know these days. He never responded to my email until this day. I blamed myself for this not working out between us because I had sex with him and thats what guys do its just leave once they got what they wanted. i also blame myself because I thought it was something that i may have said to him. I told myself in the new year that i would call him and i did already twice this month. There was nothing in my mind bad about this relationship, everything was going well. i told him what i wanted and didn't want. i left my sons father 3 years ago and never dated or had sex with anyone since. I was in a relationship with my sons father for 7 years. In that last year i had my son with him and he physically and verbally abusive to me. I told all of this to the guy that I was dating at the time. I even told him that I had a son way before we started to get to know each other. i then again was feeling angry because I could beleive that someone would take advantage of someone that has gotten over a abusive relationship and lost their job. i think about him every single day. I dream about him all the time. I just want to know one thing and that was why we stopped talking. I don't care about getting back with him but I just wanted answers. Even though I wrote that letter out to him, its still not enough closure for me because its again his closure not mine.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 2 years ago from The Boondocks

      Lillyanne: You are so right! Wow! You identified the problem, faced it head on, accepted it and are living with the aftermath, yet moving forward. I'm so impressed with your post here. Thank you.

    • Lillyanne 2 years ago

      I had this happen to me too, a man who had been in my life for more than two years just disappeared, thanks a bunch mate, you went on to your new adventure, whatever it was/is and left me to deal with the aftermath. This was 5 months ago and I am still coming to terms. But a few thoughts..... If I am being honest, it was not totally out of the blue, or out of character, I had seen the wishy washy behaviour, the inability to commit, the back and forth, indeciveness but I chose to ignore it because I was in love and I thought he would come around, but they never do. And the grand finale, he just cleared off, no goodbye, closure. It was like been consigned to the rubbish heap. I sent him a few messages, not a hundred but no reply so I decided to cut my losses and get on with it but it has been hard. I think what is really important in this kind of situation is not to run away from the feeling of loss but rather really acnowledge and feel those feelings and live with them and try and get your own answers and the biggest question I ask is why I let somebody like that into my life in the first place and what is there to learn and how I will ensure that I will not repeat it. As for the disappearing thing, there has to be something ALL WRONG about that and about the person who did it. It is unspeakably callous, ruthless not to mention selfish and immature. Isn't it such a pity to wait until the end of a relationship to get the true measure of a person as the way in which a person ends a relationship speaks volumes about them, all you need to know, but as I already said, I should not have been too surprised, usually we know there is something wrong before this happens but we do nothing about it, head in the sand syndrome. I am doing fine and getting there slowly, rejection like this is a terrible thing, traumatic and I am giving myself the time and space to get over it, but there are days whe I wish that I had never laid eyes on him in the first place, a damaged person no doubt with his own crosses to bear. Sorry for hogging the blog!! Best wishes.

    • donotfear profile image
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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Wayne:

      I'm sorry you've been treated this way! How utterly tasteless!

      Think about it, Wayne. She was your long-distance girlfriend for nearly a year then, wham-o! She disappears. Okay, there are only 2 possibilities here:

      1. She died.

      2. She doesn't want to be connected to you anymore because she's saying 'yes' to another part of her life.

      If she died, there is nothing you can do. I trust you have a way of finding this our or not?

      Now, if she decided to go a different direction, how can you get closure? I think her silence, lack of response, inaction and utter selfishness can be a form of closure. It's her way of saying 'see ya' because she's too much of a coward to speak to you about it. So is this the kind of person you want to spend your life with?

      Facing the facts can the the hardest thing of all. Endless emails, phone calls and texts that go unanswered are a waste of time. I'm glad glad glad you removed her pictures and took her off your phone. GOOD. No more contact is good.

      You do deserve to know why, but she's not going to step up to the plate. She's too weak. Do you want a weak person to spend your life with?

      Hang on, Wayne, sunny days are on the way! Get out, do what you want, make friends!!! Kiss yourself, join a group therapy, a 12-step program, a church group...anything to keep you occupied and around positive people. Don't give up!!

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Ward:

      If you aren't comfortable with her relationships with other men, it's something you need to discuss with her in a mature way. Of course, you don't want to come across possessive, but tell her how it makes you feel. If you trust this lady, continue on and see if you can learn how to deal with your insecurities. But talk to her first...she'll never know unless you say something. Go easy......good luck.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Jackie...honey; RUN, don't walk to an exit. This guy was a nut! You are basing your connection to him on fake ideas he gave you. It fulfilled a need for you, then when he showed his true colors-BAM!! Stop making excuses for the pervert. Don't try to contact him again, he could be anywhere doing anything to anybody. Please please please, listen to that still, small voice inside called "instinct" and close the door! Heck, put it in a coffin and nail the lid shut! Your emotional side is hanging onto the crumbs of 'sweetness' he laid out on the plate for you but he kept the cake for himself.

      Get out and make new friends! Treat yourself well, get involved in good things. You deserve it.....you don't deserve to be self defeated.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Nick,

      I must say, you are probably right. People gravitate toward what is familiar and if all they know is irrational, dysfunctional, abandoning behavior, that's usually what ends up happening. You can break the cycle but it takes practice learning how to recognize healthy traits in people. It's rather self defeating to continually lean towards the same kind of people. Group therapy does wonders to help....try it.

    • wayne 3 years ago

      I just found your site so you'll have to forgive me as I'm going to vent and for what I might say.

      I was(?) in a international long distance relationship, I'm in the US and she's in Europe. We met online not so uncommon nowadays. After months of chatting/emailing and talking we finally met. We both seemed very comfortable with each other not without some nervousness of course. I knew our situation was different cause of the distance but we both at the time...still tried because we wanted to be with each other regardless. Truthfully, I had insecurity issues that made me doubt at times whether I was the right guy for her but decided to work past it to make myself a better man and in the long term better for us. I had emotionally invested myself into this woman, we both shared intimate details of our pasts and family lives. We were like any couple that has disagreements, commonalities, differences etc but (then) worked towards the goal of staying together. 11 months into a year of being together, she stops all communication with me. She purposely started ignoring me, wouldn't take my calls, no text, no video chat...nothing, unless you call getting a merry Christmas sticker emailed to you that was it. I won't lie, I was desperately trying to get her to communicate what the issue is/why she isn't talking to me - still nothing. I made a plea to her via recorded video to not give up on us but, if she didn't feel the same I'd respect her wishes. Since can't read minds all I asked was just say whether she wants to stay or end us. It's going on January 8 and to this very moment it's like I'm dead to her. I don't understand how a grown woman can just throw 11 months of a progressive relationship without any reasoning or care?!? It'd be different if we were teenagers or very young adults but two grown ass people?!? I just don't understand and the worse part was we were talking about getting engaged later down the road and the possibility of a child. I admit that might be soon and can fully understand the hesitation. But the whole point of being in a relationship is committing yourself to one person regardless of the potential problems that arise work together to get through it. This has all made me feel like a fool, angry, depressed and disappointed. Today i took her pictures and info off my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to try and contact her again. If you say you care for and or love someone aren't you suppose to mean it? I just can't believe this is how she's behaving and worse the way it's ending.

    • ward 3 years ago

      I'm just now finding this, & venting so hope you don't mind reading a lot...

      I'm in a international long distance relationship, I'm in the US & she's in Europe. We met online not all that uncommon nowadays. We met in person & seemed to be comfortable with each other, not with standing natural nervousness. The thing was i knew our situation was different since it involved her being far away but didn't realize just how much of a issue it would turn out. She & I were like any couple with exception to being so far away from each other. The problems started when I became insecure because

      has a lot of male friends and after witnessing very flirty which she she claimed was just friendly.

      The problems came once I started to have doubt's via her having

    • Jackie 3 years ago

      Thank you so much for this and other articles.

      Jordan - I know how it feels. How are things going now?

      I met a man on the internet, who I loved and I thought he loved me (we lived in different counties), but then he started acting odd and distant, then just disappeared never to be heard from again. I thought I was losing my mind, still do. I sent him about 100 emails which have gone unanswered over the past year. I kept apologizing if I had done anything wrong to please forgive me, and i just wanted to be friends. His silence made me feel as if I was obsessed and crazy, but I only wanted him to say something - anything. I can't believe that he could just not give a damn. This guy sent me daily messages and emails for almost three years, telling me almost daily that he loved me, and we should be together. Then he tells me he had another woman, just wanting casual sex with her. Then he said she had become obsessed with him, she lived near him, and he was close to ringing the police. Maybe that was why he pushed me away too? I thought maybe he's dead, and cried and cried not knowing, then I found out he was alive and well.

      I am really confused, and depressed.

      This guy was banned three times from the forum we met on due to harassing other members and verbal insults etc. In private he told me he was a misogynist, but not a real one. But he said he loved a woman - me. Then he starts getting all verbally abusive to me - telling me I'm delusional, telling me to go cut myself like woman do, that he never knows what I'm going on about, that other woman are better than me, that I'm insane, a stalker (I'm not), and then eventually he tells me that the love we had was just my dream and delusion. Then I never hear from him again.

      My emotions were in a constant roller coaster. I'm a Christian single mother of five, I never touched alcohol, but turned to alcohol to feel ok. My faith has suffered. I don't know what to do. I still love the man.

      I still remember the sweet side to him that I saw for a awhile, and miss him.

    • nick 3 years ago

      Are 99 percent of men/women emotionally unavailable/unattainable? I can't seem to find a girlfriend/wife and "girls" who wound up admitting to being emotionally unavailable/immature,giving me closure for rejecting me. Its still a drag because I'm in my 30s already,I'm still single, and not getting any younger. It seems as if unattainable men and unattainable women get and stay together thinking they can't get anyone better.

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Omseeker:

      All I can say is WOW. You have totally laid it out there! And you have answered all your questions. You are totally in tune with yourself and your feelings. My hat is off to you. You have admitted your shortcomings, attempted to make an amends, and are taking the action necessary to better yourself. My friend, you are on the road to recovery!

      Reading your story empowered me...you are being totally honest with yourself. What an inspiration. I'm glad to see that you are in a 12 step program. I noticed in your post you said something about him (your mate) going to Al-anon meetings. You are doing all the right things to recover from this. You don't mention what your career is or if finances allow, but it may help if you could possibly move from the apartment into something new. It would be like a fresh start.

      How about adopting a new cat? It would be YOURS, not to associate with the "WE" from before. Nobody can take YOUR cat away. See what I mean?....

      It does seem that your mate connected with a female, somehow. You know, I think that gay men can be attracted to females, not in the sexual/physical sense, but in the intimate friendship sense. I love gay men, though I'm a straight female. I feel comfortable with gay men, I feel I can spill my guts and be safe. I'm sure he just felt that kinship with her, not to replace you in any way.

      If he lied a lot, it tells you his true character. I'm glad you are recognizing that you are not at fault for what he chose to do. It is his problem. It's amazing that you can point out every detail that pointed to this ending. It proves you can beat this. It will take time, but you can do it. You've already proved it!

      When you get a new cat, name it Donotfear! Take care of yourself, friend. You are all right...!

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      donotfear 3 years ago from The Boondocks

      Loulou;

      to be honest, I don't know what to tell you. I can't figure out why someone who has been around for years would just "fade away". Perhaps one way you could look at it would be to view it as he is saying "yes" to another part of his life; it had nothing to do with you. It was HIM. Think of a friend you may have had in the past who you were very close too, then your lives took different directions and you haven't seen or heard from each other in years. I've had that very thing happen with more than 1 close friend.

      People's lives just go different directions, though nothing may change between the 2 of you. Can you look at it in that perspective, maybe, and receive a bit of comfort? I hope so, you certainly deserve it! I might add, also, that there is not an excuse for bad behavior. Good luck.

    • omseeker 3 years ago

      To describe what I am feeling - words do no justice.

      The story sounds crazy even to me, but here goes:

      I was with a man for almost 3 years. For about 2 1/2, I could say he was fairly codependent. I made up excuses, but I think that's what he was. He basically had no friends - no real friends. Just work friends (he travels for work). I KNOW how he felt because I had felt that in the past with romantic partners. For that reason, I think I made it okay; I understood.

      Looking at my own behavior, and it took me a long while to realize the extent of it, I was controlling. Ego wants to make excuses for it because the bf allowed it. He wanted it. He once said something along the lines of "I like that you keep me in my place." I didn't take it to mean, "Treat me like shit." Rather, I think he could be mouthy with men in the past. I'm not a man that guys do that with. Like I said, I'm sometimes controlling.

      But so was he. In subtle, passive aggressive ways. I don't think either of us was aware of how controlling he was.

      At one point I insisted that he go to Al-Anon meetings because he was smothering me. I wanted him to have friends and a good life. I thought that our relationship should only be part of a good life. The icing on the cake - not the cake.

      So this is a man who I traveled with, opened much of heart to (as much as I could), shared with, moved to a new place with, adopted cats with, made future plans with.

      He met a friend at work earlier this year. They became close in a very fast way. He thought she was hysterically funny; I didn't. But I was glad that he had a friend.

      A friend. One.

      So many things come to me now - why did I not open my eyes to it then?

      I feel ashamed and stupid and then back to ashamed.

      We moved into a bigger place in July (had been living in a one-bedroom with cats). I thought so many of our problems would be solved! I found myself, for the first time in years, actually missing him when he was at work.

      Yet there was the controlling part of me. I loved him. I took care of him. I wanted good for him. But I still judged his mannerisms sometimes (I cringe that I did that).

      He began to get distant a couple weeks after we moved into this place. It was also when he began to work every shift with his new friend (a couple ignorant people have suggested he was bisexual; I would be more surprised at that than if he could fly; the guy is 100% gay). He also texted her constantly. I felt jealous sometimes, and noted it. I didn't say anything.

      I started to feel very insecure and he was pulling away. Believe me, I know that a needy man is not sexy. It was because of my own past neediness that I was able to be compassionate toward his past neediness re: that. I think many men would have left him during the first couple years.

      We had a huge fight in early October of this year. I felt no interest coming from him; rather, I felt some disdain. He had gone from ALL interest in me to seeming NO interest. He also started snapping and being mean sometimes (I'm not an angel, either. I make amends for my mistakes. So did he, mostly. But either I started feeling sensitive more often, or he was snapping more; I'm not quite sure.). I asked him, while he was on a trip, if he wanted to break up with me. It sure seemed like he did. Professing love but not being around are words and actions not matching. That stuff makes me nuts. I think he knew that and started to not care. And THAT really hurt.

      He told me that he had shown his friend my e-mails and text messages and she agreed that I was crazy. I was indignant. I was hurt. That was a bad fight. I cursed at him and insulted him; he did the same. We had never fought like that for the first 2 1/2 years. We had hardly fought at all.

      I profusely and sincerely apologized the next day. I had a spiritual awakening about much of my behavior and changed it.

      It took me a while and some talks with a friend of mine to realize that I wasn't ready for him to have this friend.

      But I felt her influencing him. He was preoccupied with her. I watched them together. They had no boundaries. She took a phone call from her own boyfriend here once, and he paused the movie we were watching and sat quietly while she talked on the phone. It was bizarre to me that she didn't excuse herself and go to another room.

      He had also always lied - little stupid lies - throughout the relationship. People would say, "Jeff, we all lie. You're being too hard on him. He's afraid. Have compassion." So I did. The lies made me crazy, but I "forgave" because of compassion.

      Or was it because I was afraid of being alone?

      Yeah, that was partly it.

      And I loved him.

      I hoped he would change.

      I hoped, with my directness and honesty, he would learn by example, how to communicate.

      My mistake: I didn't accept him with all his flaws. Nor did he learn the lesson I thought he should.

      About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I wrote him an e-mail saying that I felt like I couldn't trust him anymore. I did this because I wanted change - again, from his end, changing his actions to satisfy me - and reassurances of love.

      He responded that afternoon, "I picked up a trip. We'll work it out when I get back."

      I was furious and sad and afraid, but gave him his space.

      But he didn't return from the trip.

      I e-mailed him 4 days later. He replied, "I'm not sending the trip. I'll tell you when I'm coming home when I want to come home."

      I literally laughed out loud at this. It was so juvenile. And thoughtless. I was in shock as well.

      Last Tuesday he came home while I was at work and moved all of his things out. No note. No explanation. He took the cats we adopted together. I begged him via e-mail to return my cat.

      "No. The keys are at the front desk."

      This has been one of the most painful things I've ever experienced.

      I do see where he became more distant in the past months.

      But I never ever expected something like this. We always said we would enter counseling before breaking up.

      His behavior reminds me of someone who used cocaine or has a manic episode. But he can't use drugs because of his job and there was no sign of mental illness.

      I am filled with hate sometimes. Such a rare and dark hatred toward him and the friend (I know him and know he would not have concocted something like this on his own...but the choices were his).

      I watch Jack Kornfield videos and go to 12-step meetings and read spiritual words and talk to friend and write because the only way to get through this - for ME - is to forgive.

      But each day I come home to this apartment, worry about money, and wonder why he left. He gave no explanation. It is a terrible feeling.

      So any feedback or thoughts are appreciated.

      Thank you for reading this long post.

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