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How Do I End My Relationship (With a Man)?

I'm an eclectic gal with many diverse interests. They include relationships, film, trivia, and an assortment of other things.

Break it Before you Fake It

Ending a relationship with a man doesn't have to be difficult. In fact, most women don't find it that difficult. Thus, a guide on how to drop-kick your man to the curb might seem pointless.

We've all given the "let's be friends speech" because it works. But this isn't a how-to guide for the boyfriend break-up for the average woman. And this isn't a how-to guide for the average break-up. This is a how-to guide for that boyfriend who deserves the equivalent of a mental stamp on his psyche.

These are break-up techniques for the woman who wants to make sure that special guy never forgets her. Maybe he cheated on you. Maybe he's just a real slime bag. Whatever the reason, these methods will make sure that he never forgets that you're the one that dumped him.

Use a Carrier Pigeon

I love this method because it's awesome. No guy expects a pigeon to show up at his window with a little note tied to its leg. If that note says that you're dumping him, it's doubly amazing. And pigeons are usually creatures that either annoy the hell out of you or poop on you. They're the perfect animal to deliver a dumping.

Singing Telegram

The key to the singing telegram is delivering it at the right time. If the guy you're dumping is at home by himself then the singing telegram isn't as impactful. Send it to him on his 30th birthday party. Or during his grandmother's funeral. Now those are good times. It's even better if you write a good song to go with your singing telegram. In addition to the song, consider the genre.

You can do reggae, rock and roll, country - whatever you want. Remember, the more cheery the genre, the more significant the impact. Country is an obvious one, but try Broadway or something like that to deliver a real punch. Finally, the quality of the singer can also have a great impact. A great singer delivering a really bad song is always good. Then again, a really bad singer delivering a good song can be just as good.

Breaking up isn't that hard to do. (CC-BY 2.0)

Breaking up isn't that hard to do. (CC-BY 2.0)

Try a Poem

A poem is always a good way to end a relationship. However, you want to be careful that you don't lessen the impact of your break-up. If the poem is really bad, the guy might just laugh at you. If he realizes what an incredibly bad poet you are, he might not care that you're out of his life. However, if you create a poem that describes what you think of the relationship, then you can really go out with a bang. Here's an example:

It was a Friday night in the local bar.

To meet you, I didn't have to go far.

When we first met, I thought you were cute.

But then the rot of your personality took root.

Little did I know you were as smart as a chimp.

And when it came to conflict, a complete wimp.

But I hung around thinking it would get better.

Then the clouds rolled over and it only got wetter.

The bad sex made me vomit.

I would have rather drank Comet.

I'm so glad to be out of this thing.

Here's your ring.

Loser.

Post Your Break-Up on Facebook

First thing you do is make sure you friend all his friends. Then announce what a complete loser he is via Facebook. Then unfriend all those friends right after. You'll be like a social media tsunami. Victory will be yours.

Send Him a Text

Texting isn't exactly original, but it's pretty brutal as break-up strategies go. The shorter the text, the better. Here are some examples: "Donew/u", "werfinished", "looking4another", and "ne1butu" are all pretty good. Also, you can be direct. Try a simple text message like "you suck" or "we're done". Then you change your phone number or block all incoming texts. You can also create an auto-respond when you dump a guy. So when he texts you back to try to get the last word, your phone and/or email just auto responds. Just like when you're on vacation! So:

"Thanks for emailing/texting Jenny. Unfortunately, I no longer recognize your number by as important or useful. Do not continue to text/email this user. Otherwise, you will continue to receive this auto-response. Because you're just the type of person who deserves an auto-response. If you had listened to Jenny and met her needs in the first place, you would not get an auto-response."

Send a Dear John Letter

Dear John letters are kind of a classic. A Dear John letter basically refers to any letter left for a guy informing him that you're dumping him. However, there are many ways to leave a Dear John letter. Inside a birthday card, for instance. Do you want to be nice? Buy a sympathy card and do it that way. However, a birthday card is more fun because the Dear John letter is much more unexpected. Also, a Dear John letter needs some thought and some style. If you're going to bother to leave a Dear John letter, write well, so that it has some impact. Here's an example:

Dear John,

You remember when I said I loved you? Well, I was lying. You just looked so pathetic there like somebody had kicked your teddy bear out into the street. Remember when I said I thought we'd be together forever? Well, if you haven't figured out already based on the last few sentences, I wasn't exactly being truthful either. If it helps at all, I think you're a great guy for a girl with really low self-esteem who'd go out with a transient with a lisp because she's so desperate for company. You would really make her day. There are a lot of those types of women out there. Try their door. I'm sure you will thrill them. Go for it!

Make a Sexy Video

The sexy video achieves its impact by creating the expectation of one thing and delivering exactly the opposite. Ultimately, the point is to show the guy what he'll no longer be getting. Then again, it also potentially gives him something to keep and put on Youtube. Thus, make it somewhat reserved and/or clever.

Personally, I like to make mine like one of those sex education videos where there's no actual nudity or anything. Deliver a speech in some lingerie. Then suddenly have some hunk enter from stage left. Say something like: "well, gotta go. Have a good life." It's good to have a few male friends who are hunks for just this occasion.

Leave a Note on His Pillow

Men are notorious for not being there when we wake up in the morning. Turn the tables with this version of the Dear John letter. You can be clever and leave a little note like "that was the last time" or include more explanation. Look, ladies, you know when it's over. Most of us drag things out trying to save the relationship. We all would be so much better off if we cut the cord upon first realizing things were going badly. Go out with style.

Pay for a Jumbotron Ad at His Favorite Sporting Event

Of all the ways to dump a boyfriend, this might be the ultimate. Sure, it's expensive. It's also a beautiful way to turn the tables on him. Get him back for all those times you asked him to help clean dishes. Or go look at a place settings. Or help you with something. Of course his response was always "There's a game on." Take him to his favorite sporting event. The bigger, the better.

A football game really works because 70,000 people are going to get to witness his humiliation. Then you get up and go to the bathroom about the time your ad is going to appear. Actually head for the parking lot. Then your ex looks up and playing on the jumbotron in huge letters is your gift to him.

"I'm dumping you John Smith in Section 342, Row 5, Seat 12 because you are a Chowderhead."

You know the stadium camera man is going to get a shot of John because that's what they do. It's like that stupid kiss cam. Suddenly, he's on the jumbotron looking like the biggest tool in the world. If they're televising the game nationally, then you've hit the jackpot.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2012 Sychophantastic

Comments

minstrelmike on September 19, 2013:

Can't really take this seriously, I'm guessing that is the point.

I have performed over 1000 fully personalised songs but I have never announced a break up or a divorce. The problem with using a real singing telegram to do this is you are much nore likely to make them feel special and loved, at least that is true of Real singing telegrams uk, and I guess that is not the desired effect, if you want to break up with them.

I am much more likely to do declarations of love, and wedding proposals than break ups.

You can see lots of videos of me doing this at

http://www.realsingingtelegrams.com

Marcy Goodfleisch from Planet Earth on January 26, 2012:

Creative and funny. I could tell you about a few other tricks, but I'd have to kill you. Voted up & funny.

alexsaez1983 on January 13, 2012:

Nice hub, creative and painful. I can think of a few girls I dated that deserved the same treatment (including one who liked to punch me whenever she was in a bad mood).