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5 Reasons Not to Get Back Together With Your Ex

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M. Rose is an online writer who focuses on relationships, psychology, humor, and music.

Think of all the reasons you're better off apart!

Think of all the reasons you're better off apart!

I've seen a lot of articles online detailing ways to get your ex back, ways to make him love you again, how to use voodoo to force someone into loving you for eternity, etc. But ironically, not too many words about the opposite advice.

Sometimes, it's not a good idea to get your ex back. When you love someone, this is a hard decision to come to. Some find it impossible and go back to the same person over and over again. But I'm here to tell you this isn't always the best decision for you. Whether you're waiting for the one you lost to change (ahem, see below for that one) or you just can't stay away, here are the top five reasons why you should not get back with your ex.

1. It didn't work out in the first place for a reason.

Think about why you broke up. Think about all the problems you had with your ex. Did his inability to keep a job drive you crazy? Was it her incessant flirting with other guys, despite her love for you, that made you end it? Or maybe you just fought constantly over everything from dinner plans to whether or not Pluto is a planet.

When you're considering rekindling that flame with your ex-lover, think about what set you over the edge. What made your relationship unfixable. Is that something you really want to go back to? Time makes us forget all the bad and only remember the good—but you did break up with your ex for a reason. Consider those reasons before crawling back.

Much less sexy when you're alone...

Much less sexy when you're alone...

2. Living in the past prevents you from moving on.

You may find yourself wanting your ex back because you're currently in a rut. You think back to the good times and wish they were still happening—you remember moonlit dinners, trips to the Cape, and now you're only making dessert for one instead of two (and it's much less gluttonous to eat chocolate cake with others). We all get stuck in the past every now and then, and while a little nostalgia can keep us going in the really bad times, thinking about what happened long ago is no good reason to get your ex back.

Moving on is often the best medicine after a breakup. Dwelling on what's already happened will never move you forward in life—imagine if we as humans were never able to learn from our mistakes. We'd be doomed to make the same stupid mistake for the rest of our lives. If we decided to pick a spouse who didn't appreciate us, we'd be constantly picking that same type of person forever. Doesn't that just suck? Use your ability to learn from your mistakes to make your next relationship better and healthier than your last, instead of repeating your last mistake.

3. Sure, some couples get back together and make it work... but not many.

You've seen it happen before. Your friend or cousin or best friend's bridesmaid's sister had a horrid break-up, then she realized later that her ex was truly the one for her. And they got married in a huge ceremony and lived happily ever after. Good for them. But one example is not the norm—-that's a huuuuge misnomer. And further, do you even know the details of why the example couple broke up in the first place? Maybe it was something silly. Or maybe they're just the exception.

Much more often, two people get back together and realize all those problems they had before haven't changed. He still doesn't respect her, and she still refuses to pay for anything. Those issues that caused your breakup haven't changed. Nothing has changed. Getting back together usually only causes a rehash of why you broke up in the first place. Which then, leads to another breakup.

4. People don't change.

I know this is a controversial topic, but I'm willing to put it out there. PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE. Sure, maybe your ex would be on her best behavior for a few weeks if you got back together; but deep down to the core, she's still that same woman who you couldn't make it work with. I promise you, the chances of your ex changing this time around are next to nil. Now, yes people have the capabilities to change—it's not an absolute. People can change their clothes, their hairstyle, even aspects of their personality. But change has to come from inside yourself (and even if you want to change, it is darn hard).

Your ex will not change for you. Her personality, her bad habits, the way she truly is when nobody's watching, 99.9876% of the time those are traits people won't change. You are much better off finding a partner who you don't want to change. A good relationship starts when you accept the other person for who they are, when all the walls are down, when you've seen them at their best and worst, and you love them just the way they are.

5. Don't settle for somebody who couldn't keep you around in the first place.

Even if your ex was the one who initiated the breakup and left you heartbroken, this main idea still applies. Either way, one of you wanted to break up and the other went along with it. There was something in your relationship that made it not work for one of you, so being with your ex wasn't exactly an ideal situation. So why should you settle for such a situation?

The bottom line is that there was a breakup. A breakup means something was wrong beyond the little annoyances. And all of this says that you can find someone better for you. Someone who won't want to break up with you, or who you won't want to break up with. Never settle or deny yourself future happiness. Even if you can't see it now, you will find someone else. You can find someone who treats you better than your ex did. But in order for that to happen, you have to move on and not get back together with your ex.

Breakups usually don't lead to marriage!

Breakups usually don't lead to marriage!


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Wellice on January 07, 2020:

I am the most happiest woman on earth right now, My fiancee that left me few months ago just came back to me last night crying to take him back. Guess what??

Gabby on May 19, 2019:

Relationships are difficult as it is and when you start with problems it just gets harder. My ex husband was very nice for about a year but the signs were there all along trust issues, controlling, silent treatment, accusing me of going out with other people at 8 months pregnant with his son. Breaking up and getting back together mentally i had a nervous breakdown, postpartum depression to top it off. I wanted to have a family so bad that i put up with it for a long time, i learned to cope with this craziness by not reacting to his accusations until he kind of stop for a while but by then we had other issues, economically we were broke, i started resenting him for not supporting me when i needed him and in the end turning his back on me. We all have issues he has his baggage and i have mine. I feel lonely but that is not a reason to go back, i keep telling myself.

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Dickson Timothy on September 05, 2018:

Great article! Was it written from experience? If it was, it makes it that much easier to believe it! How long did the process take for your relationship to completely heal? Kudos for fighting for your marriage!

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rose on July 19, 2013:

my ex is not my enemy, so no problem with anyone that cruel on me. And already there are others in my heart today .. My ex is also a human being he certainly regrets the mistake while I was happy with my patience .. Keep smiling

Carrie Lee Night from Northeast United States on July 14, 2013:

M. Rose: I voted this article up and interesting. I always love to read about relationship advice :) Thank you for writing this article, I think it is a wake up call to many people.

Carl Junior on July 05, 2013:

But what if he promises to have changed and I can really see that they have changed their ways? Wonderful hub by the way. :) Voted up and shared.

Futamarka on March 23, 2013:

Парикмахеры, парикмахеры и чакры (зоны тела). Если деление людей на визажистов и парикмахеров такое простое и четкое, то почему же визажисты (или парикмахеры) так сильно отличаются друг от друга? Весь секрет в том, что каждый энергетический центр Прикол - чакра, в нашем теле может быть визажистивным или парикмахеривным независимо от других чакр. «Чистых» -Прикол - 100% визажистов и парикмахеров по всем чакрам очень мало, а вот «полосатых», когда у человека присутствуют одновременно визажистивные и парикмахеривные чакры, большинство. Именно этим и обусловлено разнообразие визажистивных проявлений у людей.

karen on March 15, 2013:

Thanks for this of the most sensible yet palatable article on this topic..i love my ex so much so much, but i am coming to terms to realise that it takes 2 to make it work.. he has thrown in the towel so long ago and I was just adamant to make it work.. i gave my best of everything but he married someone else out of the blue...bitter pill to swallow and im learning to cope

Karen on December 04, 2012:

My #1 Reason. There your ex's.

yeA buddyyy on November 29, 2012:

Thanks for the article....i showed this to a friend who couldn't get away from her abussive bf.... She reached out to me obviously wanting help and a way worked well for awhile and she was starting to do well after finally kicking him out of her house. But this would only last a month...she starts to loss it and went back into contact with him....i was pretty disappointed to say the least especially after we confessed for having feelings for each other. I started to really liked this girl after being there for her the last couple of months... She was always looking down at herself and didn't think she deserve any better.... I tried my best to show her otherwise by being there for her whenever she needed me even though we were 3 hours away from each other...but i guess i failed. Well long story short....she went back to him and i choose not to not keep in contact because i don't see a point in dragging it on any longer. I really do miss her but i know i got to let her go... If only she can see herself thru my eyes then maybe she would know how much she is really worth....

cool on November 10, 2012:

Amazing post....These are the real questions we need to ask ourself....

C. Nicole on October 25, 2012:

Good article and great points. I just recently told an ex (who happens to be my child's father) I wanted to try again. He said he thought of the same thing. In speaking to him though, he is EXACTLY the same. I'm so p'd off that I even said anything. He's still selfish, highly critical, he still has women here and there, no self control, and he's horribly insecure (I could go on here). I haven't seriously dated anyone since him and yes it scares me to actually move on. I DO NOT trust him and refuse to make that mistake I made six years ago. I just wish it weren't so hard. I have to truly go through some "loving myself bootcamp". Then I won't care :-)

gayatree on October 13, 2012:

really its very hard 4 me 2 b apart 4m that person with whom i had enjoyed the most beautiful moments of my how could he avoid me,how could his friends r much more imp. 4 him rather than me???if he doesn't need me thn why he showed me those beautiful dreams.....what 2 do?????i'm very alone,,,,,he was my best friend also...plz say me how 2 forgrt him,,,i don't want anything else.......plz plz say me how 2 erase him totaly 4m my lyf????

Lacy on June 15, 2012:

My ex and I never fought, but when his Dad was killed he changed and we said some really hateful things to each other, he left me and says he can't forgive what I said because it was too close to his father passing, well, he said things to hurt me too... So I don't understand why he can't forgive if I can.. We never even argued prior to that, we were together a year and was planning on getting married... I don't understand.

chipojanet on June 14, 2012:

Thanks Rose, I wish I had your read your advice when I was going through my break-up. It was so difficult and all I thought was that I just wanted my ex back. I was convinced he loved me so much, and was alittle confused especially when he found another girlfriend but really. I always hoped it would never las t between them and he would come running back to me!!! I dont mind saying what a fool I was. Now I am so happy it never worked between my ex and I. I was denying myself of happiness, appreciation, companionship and best of all Love.

Confused friend on June 12, 2012:

A friend of mine actually made me read this years ago when I was thinking about getting back with my ex husband. It's funny how we much we actually absorbe and take in, when we don't want to hear it. He actually made me truly face reality that it is true you can't ever change the bad behaviors of a ex no matter how much they say they want to change.

The reason for this comment is I need some advice. I have this VERY DEAR friend that I love even more then my own family. He's the one friend that will be brutally honest with me even when it hurts and I love him immensel

Gareth on June 03, 2012:

i stumbled on this page after typing into google search

'me and my ex gf have been talking again for a while and we are starting to get back on track as extremely close friends but she says she doesn't know what she wants until we sort ourselves out individually and to be honest neither do i' (a long google search term i know.....too many variables [and i'm a goddamn physicist i know a lot about variables]) this has shed some serious light on the other side of the coin of getting back for me. now I can go about my business knowing that I can remain friends and that if it's meant to be things'll happen if not, there is a reason for it and it's better this way. I've been so blinded by heartbreak and other misfortunes that something as logical as that was unapparent to me [again I'm a physicist so logic should have been the first path but love IS blind].

The section that may possibly be the most true for me is

'You may find yourself wanting your ex back because you're currently in a rut. You think back to the good times and wish they were still happening--you remember moonlit dinners, trips to the Cape, and now you're only making dessert for one instead of two (and it's much less gluttonous to eat chocolate cake with others). We all get stuck in the past every now and then, and while a little nostalgia can keep us going in the really bad times, thinking about what happened long ago is no good reason to get your ex back.'

Although I don't dwell on the past as I of all people I know understand that time is only relative, and unwavering [well depending on the view of observers and the participants].

Thank you very much for this post.

If anyone has any additional comments or useful tips or just wants a bit of advice or an unbiased friendly chat, I have no problems with strangers e-mailing my business e-mail

it is

Thanks for taking the time to read this reply.

Munequa on June 01, 2012:

I was in a relationship for 4yrs up until the beginning of March. This man made me feel like no other. He treated me like a queen and everyone would tell me how he would kiss the ground I walked on. I always wondered if it was true. He called me all day and if I didnt answer he called me at work or message asking where I was, even knowing I was working. Ok i bought it, he really misses me. Flowers every week along with bringing me my coffee and lunch every day. I loved that. He really loved me. We did everything together and enjoyed each others company. We were happy and never got tired of being together. He was a musician and I supported him by being at all his shows and helping the band out. This past December I made a comment about a cd that I liked more than their latest and he became enraged. He took my drink and gave it to my co-worker. Left and the mean txts started. Calling me every name in the book. I broke up with him that same night. He apologized a couple of weeks later saying he felt like I critized his passion. That was just a few of the things he did when upset. He could be the sweetest man in the world but could also be the most heartless man as well. He would act different around his friends but with mine he was quiet and distant. If anyone said anything he didnt like, he always expected me to say sorry for them making a comment he didnt like. He always reminded me of all hed do for me. I will say this, i did take cheap shots at him and only cuz he wouldnt stop messaging women. He said I was his everything the love of his life.He said i brought the worse out in him and that he never behaved that way with anyone else.I wondered if it was me. I miss him so much but i went through this for the past 3yrs and was meantally, emotionally and physically drained. I finally had to let go and say i wasnt willing to be yelled at or have my things taken or thrown cuz he was mad any more. I even went as far as saying that if he wanted we could see a therapist. He said he didnt have a problem and never saw or heard from him again. I miss him. If 2 people love each other so much why is it hard to be happy? Why is it easier to disrespect the other without an ounce of remorse. Im trying to move past it but its been very hard.

Jay on May 28, 2012:

Great article, I just want to tell you that I have gotten back with my ex and it never turns out okay. She was my Girlfriend for 3 years before we broke apart the first time. We were in college back then so we had only common problems at that time. We sometimes fought specially when I knew that her ex boyfriends would keep texting her. I said to her that exes only want to shake what we have right now. I don't say I was the perfect boyfriend. Because she was a bit hard headed and I was a bit hot tempered when it comes to infidelity issues. To cut a long story short. The first break up because she realized she had feelings for her first love in high school. Bummer right? Well I grovelled, pleaded, and in the end I couldn't do anything. So I let go. I even talked to the other guy to leave his current girlfriend for my ex, because he was seeing them both at the same time. My ex was somewhat stupid in terms of romantics. And I was the type of guy that couldn't do anything. So I let go. I even went away from our province just to have a little bit time for myself. After 5 months, she said she wanted me back. Because she realized that it was me she liked. And the fact that the other guy stopped emailing her after he went back to his girlfriend. And so we got back together(because I was too late to read this article). We had wonderful first few months together. She was making me feel special, and I love every minute of it. We were also making plans for the future. Like going to the same med school together and the like. But when tough times came because she wasn't initially accepted in the med school we liked, while I was accepted. She broke down. I tried to console her and be supportive. But she keeps pointing out my faults and trying to compete with me. I kept trying to keep my cool, but she was so nice to everyone and It made me wonder why she was only so critical at me. So at I exploded in anger at one of her petty complaints about me. And asked her why such small things bothered her. she wouldn't give an answer,so my temper escalated to new heights. To the point of threatening behaviors like suicide attempt so that she would just say sorry. We broke up after that. The only weird thing is that he started to befriend again the other guy and his siblings. I asked why she was doing that, because the guy still had a girlfriend. She said that I can't control her life and that if she still has feelings for him I can't change that. So this article really hits home for me. My heart got broken twice by the same girl. And right now as I am trying to realize my dream, I am afraid that I am finding myself too weak, that I couldn't control my life. She still texts me. And whenever I try to text her, she keeps it cold and distant. I know I was in the wrong. And maybe our relationship was bound to implode.

Jim on May 21, 2012:

Great page.

Confused on May 10, 2012:

This has really helped me. I have been reading lots of articles about "how to get your ex back" but this item is the most realistic. I dumped him despite still loving him very much, for the sake of my self respect. I am heart broken but I had to end it because he was completely disrespecting me: insulting me, giving me the silent treatment, being insensitive and cold etc. He wont change, I cried neary everyday... why would I want that again?! I will grow to stop loving him after time - well I hope so!!

The only part I don't understand though, and could do with some help with PLEASE is: we say people don't change but for the first few weeks he was Mr. Wonderful: romantic, thoughtful, warm, kind etc... was this fake then? If anyone can tell me what they think I would be very grateful. I am so confused!! I am trying to accept I wont get all the answers and move on but that part keeps going around in my mind!

vikas on April 27, 2012:

thanx dude really wasted lot of time with someone who is always searching others and always telling lies i never know what exactly she wants and my health is deteroiting...its always better to leave har or breakup....thanx

Konstantine on March 29, 2012:

Reading the comments here really helped. It's been about 5 months or so since now my ex dropped me after being together for almost 4 years. After much thought I guess she was always trying to compare her goals/achievements with mine. Always trying to be equal to me or wanting to show others that she can be the same or better. It's in her nature I guess as I have always tried to help her with any of her personal goals. It hasn't been easy at all since I have the same thoughts going through my head everyday. I think it's even worse because of being single & feeling alone now. Now she wants to stay "friends." This is right after recently she tried to speak to me about how she has now started dating her EX again and is in love. I was upset at first, but I kept my cool. Believe me it was hard to keep my mouth shut. After a few days of thinking and talking to a couple of friends I realized that she's just completely lost in her direction in life. Even though I would consider another try for the sake of helping her, this hub is making it clear that an EX is an EX for a reason. She may have to learn the long and hard way herself.

Hannah Diehl on March 27, 2012:

My heart drops reading this, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Mrs wishing to be Ms on March 22, 2012:

Thank you M. Rose. I guess I just didn't know better. If only I had gone across this article before I got married last year. It is true what you said, that people just don't change. I knew he was a selfish person, but I thought he would change and gave him a chance. He did change for months. A week after getting married though, he changed back to his old ways. Now I know the changes he made with his attitude were just pretends. Now my life is a complete mess and I only have myself to blame for getting back with my ex and marrying him. I wish I hadn't. If only I could turn back time... All I want now is to be free from this marriage.

WINNY on March 21, 2012:


MJ on March 15, 2012:

Well it has been 4 years, I'm still alive and better, not so depressed. Some breakups are really hard to get over, sorry if it takes me a little while.I have good days and bad, I know it was for the best, my ex seems to be selfish and I like knowing someone other than me is getting used.

SomeGuyFrom NC on March 12, 2012:

I'm very happy to read this post. I have been dealing with a break up for nearly two months. We were together for a year and a half, and had plans to get married. Most of our time was spent long distance... She had been here for around two months and everything was going great. We had weathered the storm of having to be away for half a year only for it to end abruptly. She had to find a job right away after plans for studying fell through. We had agreed that graduate school would be our next step. With her visa, this could not work for her. I was still in school finishing my last semester for my undergrad. Needless to say, I was kinda busy. I graduated middle of december, and before christmas, she was telling me that I was not wanting to move forward. I had scheduled a practice LSAT test for the next month, which was the earliest date. And she knew this. She had taken off to look for jobs in the area I was considering law school. I tried to tell her to hold off on the looking for a job, so I could figure out the best law school for me. I understand the need to work, but we had entirely different plans. With three cats, a lease, utilities, etc... I could not just pick up and move on the fly; which in fact, was my only option for keeping her happy. It was her third trip looking for a job in a nearby city two hours away, and I had to stand up for myself. I was upset that she kept going, and insisted on looking for jobs by herself. Being engaged, I thought. These are decisions that "we" should be making. I got upset, and that made her upset. Next thing, I'm hearing that she loves me, but she does not think we should make each other live lives were not happy with. I could not agree more. I was tore up, could not sleep, could not eat, couldn't think. It became very obvious after reading this, that she was not the one. Even though it really felt that way. The right one would respect my decision to get into the best possible law school, would respect decisions we made earlier and would not put me in a difficult situation. I knew this from the beginning, it just took time to accept it. I never had a broken heart, until this happened. I used to think I was invisible, and could not be touched emotionally. I was wrong. Still sad somedays. But its glad to know that I'm not alone.

M. Rose (author) from Orange County, CA on March 08, 2012:

Robert: Horrible story! Some people are so manipulative, they can get others to do whatever they want. All you can do is avoid people when you realize they're like that. Sorry you went through all that :(

RZ: You deserve better. He hasn't treated you with respect with him jerking you around like he has. Moving on would be best for you. There's someone out there who's better for you!

Tamzin: Great comment! Bad relationships can turn into a habit, you're so right. That habit needs to be broken though! Thanks.

Georgina: If you feel like he's taking you for granted, he probably is. Trust your instincts. If you don't feel good about the relationship, get out!

can'tstopthinking: Yikes. I've known couples who do that...break up, get back together multiple times. Honestly for your own sanity, I say don't get involved. The last thing you want is to be in the middle of a couple like that. She won't be truly free to love somebody else until she's completely over her ex, which could happen soon or it could never happen. You just don't know. Good luck with everything.

The heart it's not blind: What a beautiful comment, Marco! I've never thought about the heart like that, but I think you're onto something. Thanks so much for sharing.

Cathy: Thank you! I think it's seriously wrong that there aren't more articles about why you shouldn't get back with your ex. A lot of "get your ex back" sites are false advertising!

ryuuki: That's a hard situation. It sounds like you're both very emotional right now, so it might be best to take a break from each other. Don't talk for a month, then see how you feel about each other after that. It sounds like you've both been hurt by each other. You may need some time to work it out. Good luck to you.

Beth: That's awesome! Good for you. I love to hear people's stories after they've gotten over their ex for good, so thank you so much for sharing with me and all the other readers.

Gerry Artist: My goodness, what a detailed comment! And very well written too. Your argument about people being able to change is VERY close to what I would write if I were arguing that people CAN change. Yes, they absolutely can. But as you said, it's hard work and you have to be willing to go through it. Many people aren't willing to do that. Because it's hard. Because it's easier to find someone new and screw up all over again. You may think that I would disagree with what you wrote, but I don't at all. I think it is important to stay and fight for what/who you believe in, if it's worth it. I think it's awesome that you're someone who's willing to stay and fight. That's an admirable trait...never give that up. Thanks for your comment!

Gemsy: There's nothing wrong with not being able to think about bad things! You may not relate to that. Not every break up is bad. Not every person has negative traits that you'd be able to say "that's why it's good we're not together anymore." Sometimes relationships just don't work out. And that's okay too. Yes, if he was the right person he would have stood by you working out your issues. But maybe it was bad timing. Maybe he wasn't the right person for you. Maybe he was just being selfish. It's not necessarily that you weren't fighting for...there could be many other reasons. Don't give up. Maybe the next person you meet will be the right one!

mick: You've been very selfless for taking care of her and your daughter all this time. You're very strong and kind for doing that. But man, you deserve better. You're carrying all the weight in the relationship, and that's not fair. An unhealthy situation like that isn't healthy for you or your daughter for that matter. Best of luck to you.

mick on March 02, 2012:

first off I'm glad to c that people are still leaving comments and to c that I'm not alone my ex of an 8 year relationship and the mother of my 3 and half year old daughter has being breaking up with me 14 times in the last 2 years..and I have fought for her ever time but not any more after reading this..she has broke my heart to many times now so enough is enough now..she has and still has suffered with mental illness. I knew this ever since I met her. But I didn't care and wanted to be with her because I fell in love with her..things where always an emotional roller coaster with her as she had more bad days then good..I was always there for her emotionally and always got her through then.she always called me her rock..anyway after 4 and half years together she fell pregnant with our first and only child and during her pregnancy I have never seen her happier...but that soon changed again a year after our daughter was born..we where cuddling on the couch watching a film when suddenly out of know where she flipped and kicked me out..that's when all the fun started..LOL..I say LOL because if I don't laugh I will crack up completely..a week later she regretted what she did and begged me back saying she didn't realize what she done..things for fine for about a month then she flipped only this time she got violent with me and I had to call the cops..I also forgot to mention that I worked 2 jobs plus done 90% of the house cleaning washing etc etc..never went out drinking and always devoted my time and energy into her and my daughter..the most recent episode only happened the other day when she was sick all week and so was I But I still managed to work and look after my daughter..while she was in bed..she got up Sunday night as she also has trouble sleeping for the last 4 months and went down stairs for a cup of tea to find I had the house spotless cleaned..she returned to bed and kissed me while I slept telling me how great I was and she would be lost without this is where it gets weird..I was in work Monday morning when she text me telling me she doesn't want to be with me anymore..and kicked me out with no she won't even answer my calls or texts..I am at my wits end..any advice..

Jo on March 02, 2012:

We remember the good and simple times and forget the heartbreak and tears!

Gemsy on March 01, 2012:

I have to say I do agree with alot of what you've said Gerry. Whilst I have found this hub helpful in terms of the 'don't look back' kind of message i'm also struggling very much with the 'Think of all the bad things about your ex as honestly I can't!! Yes he ended it, yes he broke my heart but it isn't always the 'dumpee' who was the bad person. I wouldn't say I am either but I had lots of insecurity problems which made me behave in such a manor that I pushed him and pushed him till eventually he left. I'm seeking help for my issues and if this is one thing i'm angry at him for is that he didn't stand by me and help me through these problems especially as he said he still loves me and hurts just as much but it's still very very hard to detach myself from someone who didn't wrong me!! Ok so the bottom line is, if he was the right person then he would have stood by me as my issues were not a reflection of our relationship but my self esteem and insecurities from the past or whatever. So what i'm getting at is I agree Gerry that people give up too easily and don't fight for things. Maybe I just wasn't worth fighting for :(

Gerry Artist on February 24, 2012:

Dear M. Rose,

lets see....where do i begin! Lol. Firstly i LOVE your aticle at the top and the '5 Reasons Why..." etc. and i also LOVE the way you speak to people in a kind and caring way and articulate your thoughts well and address each individuals needs and concerns for their specific situation! you deserve MUCH CREDIT just or doing that alone!

However, I myself having recently been "dumped" i prefer the words outshined or put aside etc. since the word :"dumped" itself is a bit harsh and unfair to the dumpee! Its NOT ALWAYS what it appears to be....especially since many of these folks WILL get back together down the line and try again! And that to me is a GOOD THING and should NOT me mocked, discouraged, or dowplayed for many many reasons. Some simple, some complicated.

Mind you, I do not accuse YOU per se of doing so. I find all your points to be logical and sound advice for anyone like myself who is suffering from depression and anxiety and heartache of loosing someone close to them whom they loved dearly in a brea-up. However...there ARE indeed MANY reason I believe people should NEVER give up if they TRULY TRULY love someone andwant them back and I can give a HUNDRED reasons why for every one of your five. And although I DO in fact acgree with most of what you say ("people don't change" being one BIG one)I will admit you are onto something here and that the other side of the coin DOES need to be presented. And you have done that admirably here in this article and thread.

I think and KNOW that people DO in fact change through out there lives and i would maintain that CHANGE is the ONLY thing constant in LIFE! The Chinese book of changes I-Ching is all about this. Now i know what yo MEANT to say was that peoples habits and behavior rarely change enough after a breakup enough to matter to repair the damage and allow the couple to move on and live a happy productive life together. This i ALSO must disagree with! To me yo are focusing on all the NEGATIVE aspects of the couple and why those aspects will probably still be there when you return IF you return to that same person again for another try! But doesn't HAVE to be the dame if you are TRULY in love and you have half a brain and you TAKE THE TIME to do some research on realtionships and how they are sabatoged often end in tears and broken hearts etc.

What i'm basically trying to say here is that people CAN change and they CAN learn to compromise IF they put their minds to it, and IF they both care enough to MAKE A CONCERTED EFFORT to work THROUGH the diffuculties that EVERY realtionship brings with it. And no two are exactly the same. but I wold venture to guess after reasing all the posts above that MANY have ALOT in common and that thre are very sonsistent patterns of bad behavior that if we learn to nip in the bud early and diagnose and WORK ON fixing as a TEAM.....some (MANY) of these break-up and future attempts at reapiring them, MAY in fact be saved from doom and gloom and future crash and burn scenarios.

it is MY humble opinion after seeing what I've been through with MY gf (who was my FIRST and BEST FRIEND - female frien) from my high school years) that sometimes people just fall apart or get into a quagmire over the silliest of things all becuase the communication breaks down and things get twisted or interpreted the wrong way or come out the wrong way etc. Words often get us into serious trouble and sometimes they arent intended to be taken the wrong way! Humans are very complex beings and we sometimes just PROJECT onto things what WE want to see and hear and interpret things the way WE think they were meant and sometimes we FORGET the BIGGER PICTURE and just start getting caught up in trivial details an before you know it those details build up and have a cumulative detrimental effect on the overall relationship. And to ME....that is REALLY REALLY UNFORTUNATE....especially when BOTh parties involved really do love each other but just cant find the right ways to communicate it without hurting or backing the other party off! I saw this in MY relationship and I'm seeing it up here in these posts as well.

Please do not downplay the significance of the internets blame in all this and Facebook's sudden rise in popularity in the past 5 years and on the culture at large and the way in which the legal system and the media etc. glamorize and celebrate and make it so EASY for folks to just throw up their hands and give up and walk away. After all "Tthere are soooo many more fish in the sea" as the cliché goes and we hear all the time! I say......BULL!!! Although there ARE many more fish in the sea etc.... the odds of you finding one that you have as much in common with (which by the way is why our hearts hurt soooooo bad in some break-ups vs those in others) again anytime soon in life.....and lets face it...time DOES fly once you hit forty etc. are very slim indeed. More slim than I feel your chances of reconnecting with your ex and working things out and learning to accept and compromise are! THINK about that M/ Rose! I'm talkin mathematical probabilities her now. I'm talking memories that go back many years now! I'm talking people who have already learned to some degree to accept and love each others quirks and idosyncracies and flaws etc. and yet STILL managed to fall into and STAY in love for many GOOD reasons that are sometimes rare and hard to find these days!

So as you see....I'm the optimist and the glass-half-full guy and I coose to focus on the positive. i always tried to make my ex focus on them too and to STOP with the negativity and self-defeating knit-picking and pessimism. It was hurtful to her and frustrating to me and eventually built up in her enough to where she needed "space" as people like to say! Sometimes its true, but SOMETIMES its also a COPOUT in my opinion. Why? Because peoples idea of "space" often involves loose and indiscriminate sex and dead end affairs that are unfair to the other party and which are often unhealthy and unwise for the dumper to engage in for many MANY reasons which I need not get into here! Both physical and mental reasons! Again....MY OPINION!

But i am also fully aware that the dumper has the control and holds the ultimate cards and can do what her or she wishes in today's world...often with little conquences for their actions except for the pain and misery and broken heart (karmic scartissue) they leave on their mate by being so selfish and self absorbed and unwilling to TRY HARD to work THROUGH the issues and speedbumps in life....and to STAY AND FIGHT. Especially if they both really love each other and believe it WORTH the effort! It CAN be done and I;n here to say that MY mom and dad (now in their early late 70s and early 80s did it many moons ago when THEY split for a year, and got back after some effort and work at it and have been married for 50 years....and still going strong. I wish I could be as strong as them and I wish my ex gf would be more willing to compromise a little and stop it already with the pop culture nonsense of always "deserving better" and that whole stupid 'grass is always greener' type of imagery that music videos and songs etc, and TV shows often foist upon us in the guise of New Age self improvement! ya know what.....sometimes people just need to GROW UP and NOT MOVE ON and learn to STAY AND FIGHT for what they love and believe in and want. Never mind always running away and taking the easy way out and sampling ALL the buffet when what you have and need is sometimes RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU and HAS BEN THE WHOLE TIME but because of our selfish spoiled instatn gratification disposable cutlure that we live in now (thank the media and the lawyers and pop culture for that) some of us just drink the cool-aid and decide that its not even WORTH sacving or fighting for and simply start hopping from person to person spreading all manner of disease and baggage and scar-tissue and what have you...and THAT my dear M. Rose has what I choose to call a Karmic Ripple Effect.

And what that means is, by always taking the easy way out and not staying and trying your

gkat on February 21, 2012:

I appreciate your article very much-my boyfriend of only two months (I know that doesn't sound like much to brag about, but we were VERY close way before we actually got together) broke up with me a little more than a year ago for absolutely NO reason, and I kept telling myself I was over him, but never truly believed it. I tried going out with other people, flirting with other people, and my ex and I even stayed best friends for this past year as well. We talked about getting back together but it never happened. I longed to be with him again, but all of my friends told me I was too good for him, and I just couldn't believe them. So many times he hurt me, and so many times I told myself that I was done with his shit, and so many times he made ME feel guilty for something he had done, and so many times he told me a lie so I would forgive him, and so many times I realized I still loved him. Recently we had gotten into yet another argument and I told myself that I was done with him, not sure if I really meant it this time or not. Reading this article made me realize that although I still have feelings for him, I don't need him to make my life a happy one, and there are better people out there for me. I just need to meet that person.

Beth on February 21, 2012:

I commented on this hub about 4 weeks ago, about my ex who I left but wanted to go back to and then he went on a holiday to Thailand and met a Thai girl there and told me he didn't want me back anymore. I was so hurt and upset by it and I loved him so much it hurt for a very long time.

A couple of months after he went on said holiday he is still in a relationship with this Thai girl, she lives in Thailand and he still lives in Australia. He claims to be in love with her and says I never made him happy and he wants me to never contact him again.

A month ago I would have been a complete mess about it all. But I didn't even reply to him, and I now don't even want to speak to him ever myself. I don't love him anymore and finally see him for what he is. He obviously never cared about me or he never would have treated me like that. I'm happy again, lost 12 kilos, having a good time with friends and family again.

Anyway, moral of my story is to let everyone here know that life really actually does go on! It's so annoying when people say things like "time heals all wounds" and "there's plenty of fish in the sea" when you're heartbroken! You think people couldn't possibly understand how you feel. But really truly, things do get better.

This post helped me so much, I could have gone back to my ex if I had really wanted even after he met this girl, I could have begged and he would have taken me back I'm 99.9% sure, but this post made me realise that wasn't a good idea, an now I am so so sooo grateful!!!


ryuuki(cont) on February 20, 2012:

How long were you together with your ex?

3 years

How long ago was your breakup?

2 months

Do you consider yourself single now?


Does your ex consider herself single now?

nope..she find the new and better than me

Do you think your breakup was caused by cultural differences?

no..only because she say i controlling her compare the new partner he not control her...but im better other aspect compare her new partner

ryuuki on February 20, 2012:

or the detailed problem i had...she broke the realtionship because don't want be control and want freedom also she say she tired to loving someone...but after she broke..she found already new partner and it didn't happen long becoz her mom don't like him love someone and his new partner..after that she give a chance to change my habit(contolling she for her good sake)..but she didn't tell what detail about my mistake...pop she choose his new partner again(after 1 week couple and break..she choose him again after see im not improving) frust because she betray her promise...i blackmailed she and spreading the news about her bad habit and bad she very angry with me...and sound me...she its more dofficult to see im back to you again...and now she want to lost contact with me...i now confused and scared...what should i do...if it too late?now i,ll try to do no contact step...its worth?

please advise me in stpe by step...FYI,my heart gets pain for 2 months since she broke the promise and relationship....but im willing to do again to get her back...i know,the hard approach didn't effective and also soft approach..what i do is medium is allright?

about my spirit...i always pray and positive..i need to imprving mycommunication to her...but how?she already don't want be friends with me...she is first love me..and me is also first love to 25 years and she 20 years...

sorry about my bad grammar...

Mariel on February 18, 2012:

This will help me so much. Thanks for the tips! :) Me and my ex boyfriend broke up 5 months ago and I still can't get myself to move on from everything. Thanks for this :) I will apply this to my life :DD

Cathy on February 14, 2012:

Awesome advice!!! I couldn't agree more! I recently broke up with my boyfriend for good reasons...anyway...he is now showering me with flowers, chocolate and professing his undying love....needless to say it is hard not to go back but I know if I do before long it will be all of the crap all over again. Even if he truly believes he loves me I just don't want to go back there are be so stressed out. I have to believe that there is a wonderful person out there suited for me and vice versa. Thank you sooooo much for this article. I googled "do not go back to ex boyfriend" and I was surprised to see all that came up except your post that I saw was how to get your ex boyfriend back! Really!

The heart it's not blind on February 09, 2012:

The heart is not blind, it sees too much. When we love someone we tend to project qualities in them that they don't necessarily have. That's why friends always ask us what we see so special about the one we love and broke our heart. They don't and are surprised we do. It's a sort of crystallization: we keep put gems on the one we love. Once you are over them, you see them who they really are without all the glitter that painstakingly we put on them.


Ray on February 08, 2012:

Thanks so much for this. It really is something to learn from. And i really will take your advice on this :)

can'tstopthinking on February 07, 2012:

I met a girl that was coming in for a job interview i was hiring for. long story short...she got the job because the second we locked eyes i felt something. she had a boyfriend at the time that she complained about to me and other co-workers. she said she wasn't "in love" w/him etc. we hung out with a group of people and it was obvious attraction. she broke up with her BF of three years a week later. out of respect for here i waited a few weeks to make sure it was over then i made a move. it worked and before i knew it we were both saying how happy we were and how we have never felt this way before. we spoke about long term plans only months into the relationship. we discussed how she felt the same feelings when we first locked eyes and how she called friends and her mom to tell them the feeling she had. for three months we were crazy in love. then she started to ask to slow down. i let her. then she wanted to take a break,,,,,i was pissed off then. then she sends me a text that she had been thinking about her ex a lot and felt like she was cheating on me and "needed to make it right with her ex." I've heard they are back and happy. so my end of this thing is different then most of y'all. BTW-they have broken up once in the past and got back together. i know she got back with him because she is doing it for him...not her true happiness. i've had no contact since the text but struggle with calling/texting her everyday because i just feel like her relationship will fail again....any advise? i really feel like she is the one!!!

Georgina on February 07, 2012:

Hi I recently got back together with my ex and I feel like he is taking me for guranted how should I actually deal with this.. or is it even worth it? I always think was the 3 years we had for waste? it is so hard to let go! I am only 22 I am to young to be going through this stress

Tamzin on February 07, 2012:

Rose I think your comments are spot on! No one can change unless they want to!

You split for a reason but sometimes you get back out of boredom. If your not careful a bad relationship can seem the norm. It takes guts and strength but get out if your not happy.

We have all been there but so long as you learn.

Good Luck xx

Em on February 06, 2012:

Thanks for this. It really helped.

EN on February 05, 2012:

I had a bad break up 30 years ago with who I consider to be my first true love. I see two loving young people making mistakes. Look at articles about reconnecting after 30 years, by dr kalish- I was amazed over 75% of these reconnect work towards a stronger relation. But it is quite a period of time wherein so much life happens. Dr kalish herself is reconnected with her guy from 35 years before. I just sent my ex a nice card asking how she is and to talk. I do not know what the outcome will be. I remember two communicative and loving people who disappeared on each other and so love was interrupted.

kate on February 03, 2012:

i fell in love with an amazing guy and someone else got in our way and now hes gone and i cant get over it.

RZ on February 03, 2012:

Hi, me and my boyfriend broke up 3 days ago, after being together for 4 years. It was perfect for the first past two years, he was so caring about me, did anythin i wanted to, ask for forgiveness first even if its my mistakes, always begged me to back to him whenever i said " Lets break up " just because he didn't do what i wanted to. Its like im " up of the wind ". All he did seems like he can't live without me. Then 2 years later, he suddenly changed. He began to ignore me, whenever i called him he said he's still busy, though i know he just went out with his friends. He used to treated me as his 1st priority, but then im just on his backup list, behind his friends and work. He began to do the things i didn't like to, and we had lots argument, yelled at each other, and decided to break up. But i thought we'll be just fine after a few days. In fact, he didn't care about me no more, and he began to date another girl. When i knew about this, i became so freackin out, i did love him so much and i don't want to lose him, because before whenever i be , there he'll be. I began to called him, texted him, begged him, and all things just to make him back. I cried all days but he just don't care for about 2 months. Then i got tired and decided to try movin on. I began to went out again with my BFF, dressed up, hang out. Then suddenly 3 weeks later, he called me and said he regret losin me. He begged me to come back to him. I did still love him so much although he dumped me before , so i accept him back, but on the other hand, my parents became dislike him for dumped me before. I said this to him, and that now we're only able to meet ' secretly' . We began to meet casually on the weekend. He did become how he used to be, cared about me, always there for me and all that. Its just for 6 months, that he suddenly said he get tired of this ' secret relationship ' and said want to move on. But then i found out that he said all this, because he wanted to date another girl. I was so sad that he dumped me for 2nd time. I tried not to begged him, but i did all the mistakes i made before. I just cryin all day.

Then again, a month after that, he began to call me again, and said he didn't go along with the girl because he missed me. Later i found out that the reason he didn't get along with the girl, because the girl rejected him. But still, foolish me accepted him back, because im so blinded with love to him. We did okay for the 6 months, then 3 days ago he dumped me again :( said that i deserved someone better , whom my parents will like. Said that he's not financially enough for me, that i will have miserable life if i marry him. But this time its different, he said he' movin on to another town next week. I was so shocked, i begged him to come back, and offer him solved problems about my parents and financial issues together. I even said i don't care about his financial and i can move to another town just to be with him. But he rejected all my offer, and keep makin excuse about financial and my parents. Then when i looked at facebook page, i found his picture with another girl he just met on his friends wedding. I was so angry and hurt, i called him and askin about the pic. He said its true and he even said that he planned to get married by this year.he said that he actually still loves me , but he afraid because my parents don't like him anymore. I don't know what else to do, im still in love with him soo muchh. I know that my parents wouldn't be much issues if we want to work this out together. Please help me what to do, since i still want him , i still love him a lot. Thanks

anerisharma from New York on February 01, 2012:

Awesome points .. Really liked it.. made me feel strong that it was past just need to move on... thank you

Robert on January 31, 2012:

I have an ex leave me for my best friend. After two years of being together, he got her to believe every part of my life was a lie. I never lied to this woman once, and setting the record straight I got the reply "You'll say anything to make him look bad". This woman didn't work at all for over two years. She got a part-time seasonal job and that's when the games really started. The guy that used to be my best friend couldn't admit the truth to me and called the police on me for phone harassment, a week later she did the same. I ended all contact with the two, then early in January her job was terminated. Within a couple weeks I was served with papers to appear in court for a restraining order, both of them got up on the witness stand and lied. Needless to say she got her restraining order that her new boyfriend wanted. I'd say all the details but I really shouldn't on here. Basically my ex was used for a pawn by the guy to shut me down professionally, and for sex. I learned one thing by this if your 100% honest with someone, anyone can make you out to look like a liar. Little twisted truth and they get what they want. My best friend did that and she bought every bit of it. Yeah he's to blame for starting it, but so is she for buying into the lies. Now he's more likely than not looking for a reason to be done with her after trashing our relationship. Worst part is she probably still believes him over me although I wasn't the dishonest one, he was. When I said I was going to start doing more with friends or other people because she was hardly ever around she jumped and said "Your doing that to try and make me jealous. No doubt by planning and knowing me, he filled her in on everything I might do or say as being a malicious act. I even got the response once I do get a job it wont go to support your business. She didn't work over two years! Come to find out money I was giving her was going to him! She was helping him pay his bills! Yet she wouldn't help me pay mine and we were engaged? What is wrong with people? Seriously?

M. Rose (author) from Orange County, CA on January 26, 2012:

stillobsessed: Maybe you should focus on your own life more, instead of his life. It's been a year, so maybe you should try finding someone else to date. Find someone better who makes you forget about your ex. There are plenty of guys out there! Focus on yourself and your friends and having fun. Hope some of this helps!

No love?: You've got the right idea. He's not going to change. Only talk to him and be friends if you're comfortable with that. If you're not, tell him! Don't think you have to be friends with him if you don't want to...and don't let him make you feel bad if that's not what you want. Do what feels right to you.

Beth: If you don't know why you still love him, maybe you're holding onto the idea of him...the idea of who you wanted him to be and how you wanted your relationship to go in your head. I've been in that situation before, and it's hard to get over someone when you still have images of how things could have been in your head. Just remember that he didn't treat you well and realize you're better off without him. You'll get over him in time.

frelia86: That's a really sad situation. Please try not to take it out on your child though. It wasn't your child's fault that your relationship didn't work. I think it would be helpful for you to go through counseling yourself, for the sake of you and your child. Get you healthy again. Best of luck to you.

Saaaam: Hun, don't feel guilty about anything you did with him unless YOU feel like it wasn't the right thing to do. Lots of people who originally didn't want to have sex before marriage end up having sex before marriage. Lots. It doesn't make you a bad person. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Bubble: Wow, thank you! That's wonderful that it's helped you so much. I'm sorry about your tough is always harder when children are involved. I think it all comes back to my point about how people don't really change. He's making an effort now ONLY because he's lost you. I've seen friends of mine personally go through that cycle tons of times, and it's always the same. If he gets you back, he'll get comfortable again and go right back to doing all those things you hated. If you do give him another chance, please realize this. I can assure you that this is what will happen. Also, you're not the only young parent out there. There IS a guy out there who will want to be with you. Maybe someone a few years older, closer to 30, will be more grounded. But don't get back with your ex just because you don't think anyone else will want you. I promise you that's not true. Hang in there. Things will get better for you.

Bubble on January 26, 2012:

I love ths blog, i hav it book marked n i read it everytime i need reminded that i did the eigt thing. Me an my ex hav been together since i was fourteen n ten years later we nw hav two ids together. I broke it of cause i was sick of doin everything wit the kids while he slept al day n sat up watchin tv al night. Since we broke up he has changed i think, hes workin n is even is the process of building his own house. I wish he would of done this wen we wer together, we talk nearly eveyday n we both realise were better people apart, but he still says he wants to b with me and im the one but he wants me to wait for a while til he gets his prioritys straight?? Meanwhile he i have fund out he was with two other girls but still says to me if i go out with any1 thats us over forever. If any1 has any suggestions please help, very hard when kids are involved because i just wanted us to b a happy family. Plus i dnt imagine there are many men out there who want a young mother of two, men my age just want to have fun with no responsiblitys. Feel really low :(

Nadz on January 25, 2012:

Thank you!

Saaaam on January 21, 2012:

I met this guy in university, my first guy friend and like it always happens we became the best of friends and then bf-gf.. we kept braking up abt small things and one fine day after 2 1/2yrs it was final...I boke up with him only to get back after 4months until yesterday after another 2 yrs when I couldn't do it anymore.

I've always wanted to tell my parents abt him and he would convince me that tht is not the right thing, I know it's crazy.. I've always wanted it to be clean like sex after marriage n all, but now these 2yrs we've done everything we could and I was just getting carried away I suppose planning baby names and all.. the thing is he is the sweetest guy, helpful and all but there is something that makes me feel we have different views abt some very imp things... if he was a jerk it would be easy to get over him... I just cannot forget him for he is such a pure hearted person I feel like I'm making a mistake... but then again I feel guilty for what I do with him..

Calandria on January 17, 2012:

great post =)

frelia86 on January 15, 2012:

I really thought and read through clearly of what was being said in this hub. I am personally right now going through a break up. He actually broke it off with me. On a monday he told me that he was moving out because of a deacon said it is best then the next day he told me that it's me and I am the reason why he is leaving and that he will do all he can do for our daughter, but we can not be a couple any more, and we can be friends for the benefit of our daughter. Mind you, he told me he will leave in the next five weeks when he receives his unemployment check. We have been engaged and were planning on a wedding and I really wanted for us to go to counseling, but he told me it was too late. My heart hurts I even thought about giving up the rights of my child just so I won't be remimded of him anymore. Just the thought of him being with another lady kills me and I feel like I have a tumor growing inside of me due to this pain. In the past we had went through a lot of fighting but years later the fighting stopped, and most of the time I was the one getting physically abused I feel like I want to follow him where ever he goes like I need him I really want us to work it out and even if he lives somewhere else I feel it can work. I need help and advice.

Beth on January 15, 2012:

Me and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago, after being together for over a year. I was the one who broke up with him because he was selfish and uncaring. I moved across country to be with my family, and for the whole time he was begging for me back and then suddenly when I would agree to return he would tell me not to. This went on for over a month until he went on a holiday. The day before he left he rang and said he loved me and made a huge mistake, said he would call me when he landed on his holiday. No call for the 2 weeks, and when he returned he told me he had met someone else and he didn't want to be with me anymore. It hurt a lot, even though I was the one to leave in the first place. I still love him so much. But I have no idea why. All these Internet sites tell you to just stop thinking about him and get over him. But I can't, because I don't know why I still love him. He cheated on me and never treated me well. I don't know how I'm supposed to get over it when I have no idea why I still feel for him.

But this page did help a bit, for me to realise it never would have changed. Although I still feel crappy.

No love? on January 14, 2012:

Your advice was magnificent! It made me feel better.

I broke up with my boyfriend just yesterday because he was lieing to me and I had found out that he had gone somewhere with a girl that strongly dislikes me, I was told that he was trying to make moves on her even though she has a bf. When I found this out I confronted him, he said he had gone with her but things got out of hand he wanted to know who had told me and if I didn't tell me he didn't want me to talk to him. So I didn't talk to him for two days, he didn't even try talking to me I had had enough so I broke up with him. I still love him and I've cryed myself to sleep, and hes really trying to talk to me. I don't know what to do, I'm confused. I know that if we get back together it wont work because he's not going to change. Should I talk to him and stay as friends? Help.

stillobsessed on January 10, 2012:

dear m. rose, its been a year since we broke up. and I cant stop thinking about him. hees a jerk and he has a new girlfriend but nothing seems to work...what do i do??? all my thoughts revolve around him and we go to the same school

M. Rose (author) from Orange County, CA on January 08, 2012:

Thanks all for sharing your stories and comments. I read them all, though I may not comment back to all of you.

ynn: Thanks for your comment. Stories like yours are my favorites...I wish there was more material about why you shouldn't get your ex back too. I'm glad you found my article and that it helped you. Your ex sounds like a fool!

Soph: Stay strong! Keep all that negative energy out of your life. You'll be way happier in the long run without it. You can do it.

cakeey: That's horrible. Nobody deserves to be abused in any way and treated so poorly. Stay strong. You're already SO strong for getting away from your abuser. NO abuser deserves your sympathy. Don't feel bad. Take care of yourself.

cakeey on January 02, 2012:

I was with my ex for two years and he wad mentally and physically abusive to me after a brief separation and lots of promises him and I were back together and married it only took a month for him to become abusive again this is the best article I have read because after everything he still gets me with the sad calls and .text. to me and my family. I know in my heart that iwant to be free of him but I have always felt sympathy. After reading this know I just must be strong not being there for him is tough. But I got to be there for myself.

kara5837 on January 01, 2012:

This is such a good article and my bf broke up three yrs ago and i still haven't got over him what's so ever... we currently started trying to be friends bc he is transferring to the same college. But when we broke up after together for three yrs and got a gf a month later. They broke up five months ago and he told me from day one he trying to get over her but continues to talk and hang with her ... i tell him that wont help but he wants to do things his way. This causes us to fight bc i get upset he cant stop talking to his ex . I still care bc i never got over him and i thought i was weird bc it been so long but bc this article and all the comments shows other ppl goes threw this and can over come it

Grace Aprilia Helena on December 31, 2011:

yeah.. this is a very useful article..

me and my ex broke up because he met his ex in a Christmas celebration..

3 months paid with once twice meeting with her ex..

and then.. he's with her.. what a jerk he is..

even deep in my heart i still have a little hope to get back with him..

it's no use.. a cheater is still a cheater..

sometimes i get confused whether i still love him and put my hope in him or not..

but i know what i have to do now..:D

thank you rose.. you wake me up from this dilemma.. :D


Janet on December 29, 2011:

Rose sure email if you still need to talk(:

bsktbll on December 23, 2011:

thanks for the reply. im afraid i might hve annoyed him and scared him off now. we last txted a month ago and he said he didn't feel anything anymore. but i was pushing him for answers so maybe thats why he said that? it wasn't fair of me, especially if he is depressed. i want to believe he'll come back if he's suppose to. i just don't know if he's mature enough to take the risk. guess i'll just keep waiting for now.

Charlotte on December 22, 2011:

Hi guys,

I split up with my boyfriend of 7 months, 2 months ago. We split because he felt claustraphobic and I felt like he didn't support me. He suffers from ADD and I struggle to deal with the mood swings that come with it at times. I spent so much time treading on egg-shells and not knowing what mood he would be in when he came in.

I really tried to be supportive, I came to functions with him, cooked for him, helped him sort out his organisational skills, personal hygiene and eating habits. I let him live with me, rent free for two months.

I became ill, so needed his support and he couldn't hack it. He ignored my calls, turned up drunk at 4am. - at one point when I was at work, he was sitting in my front room talking to my house mate, completely ignoring my text asking him to go to an appointment.

I am so glad for your article. It has made me realise that I am better off out of this relationship. Since we split, he has alternated between ignoring my calls and texts to get my stuff back, and the responses I give to facebook posts like I am depressed. (I know I shouldn't reply to that, but I generally worry) and turning up in places I hang out, whinging about his job and how rubbish his life is and seeking reassurance.

I also found out recently, he had ben texting and emailing girls saying he missed them while we were going out, and he may of cheated on me. During our relationship and after, he called me crazy for getting annoyed when he went to Peterborough to see his ex and didn't tell me until he was on the train, and even said if he slept with someone while drunk and couldn't remember it wouldn't be cheating.

One minute he would spoil me with gifts, the next minute he would ignore me and not invite me to functions. I didn't know where I stood.

Everytime I am somewhere with mutual friends and happy, he turns up and makes comments about our past sex life. If I am talking to a male friend, he is quiet and watching like a halk. If I don't talk to him, he sits there in a mood, not talkingto anyone. He has even stormed off on occasions.

The health problems I have are being sorted and have an operation coming up, which he has offered to go to. He says he doesn't want me to go on my own... and he is trying to be supportive. He also said he wants to make sure I ask the docs the right questions.

The thing is, I don't want him to go. I am sure it is just another game. He admits his behaviour is irrational, but he wont see a councellor because, 'that is the way he is' and he has been like it since he is a child'.

Thank you article. You have re-confirmed why we shouldn't be together. I am not an angel, don't get me wrong - I am very driven and stubborn. But if you do all the giving in the relationship, it just isn't meant to be. If you constantly question yourself, or feel constantly drianed by a relationship, it also isn't meant to be.

I guess this article just confirmed it for me and killed the last of the nostalgia. He wont change, not without help and whilst he wont help himself, I can't be around him.

Soph on December 22, 2011:

Thanks for the comment i know you are right, ive just recently had him asking me back and telling me he loves me and all that, but he also admitted that he kissed another girl, i need to stay away from him i know, but its gunna be really hard

ynn on December 20, 2011:

Thank you. Here I was looking for tips on how to get rid of my annoying ex bf. He passes back and forth infront of my window at work waving and giving me puppy dog eyes. He tries to corner me into soulful meaningful conversations about how I am doing. And the dumb ass was the one who broke up with me! Oh so very annoying. All I can find on the web is how to get him back and then I found your page. It is so refreshing. Thank you, I don't want that undignified yokel who can't even take no from himself seriouly.

M. Rose (author) from Orange County, CA on December 20, 2011:

Amanda: Glad I could help!

karishma: You should read my hub about codependent relationships.

bsktbll: It's possible that he's using you as a scapegoat for his depression. It's also possible that you're in denial. Time is the only thing that will tell which is true. If you want to hold on and wait, I'd give yourself a set amount of months to wait. Then try to accept that you'll need to move on. Waiting for him for all of eternity would be a huge mistake, and you deserve to be happy.

Janet: Great comment. Thanks for writing it and offering to help those who are in the same boat.

Zoesmom: Good for you for kicking him out of your life! You will find someone better...give it time.

soph: Hon, you need to move on. Anyone who breaks up with you 5 times doesn't really deserve you. There are plenty of other guys out there who will treat you better, so go find them! You won't be able to find someone better if you're still stuck on your ex. Give yourself time to get strong again and move on!

rose: Your question is one that I think we'd all like the answer to at some point. Unfortunately you may never get an answer. People can be selfish. And sometimes, people do hurtful things that make no sense. The key is to learn how to heal yourself, to not rely on an answer from someone else before you can heal. Best of luck to you.

rose on December 19, 2011:

janet i'd really sppreciate it if you could email me, my situation is exactly smiliar to yours and he did the same thing.he doesn't even care anymore he's so angry and i don't understand why because i was always a good girlfriend to him and always there for him.he even said it himself. but why break my heart and end what we have if you love me as much as you claim?

rose on December 19, 2011:

i'm happy knowing i'm not the only one going throught this!

soph on December 18, 2011:

me and my ex broke up 5 times in 8 months, usually him, and this time i know its the end, he doesn't want me back, he says its not working, but i was really happy with him and he was an amazing boyfriend. i cant accept that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and that we cant work on it anymore! its killing me i want him back so much but i know its not going to happen. eurghh! what do i do??

Ron on December 17, 2011:

I can't accept my ex doesn't love me anymore

Zoesmom on December 07, 2011:

I was married for twenty years. My husband recently met a married woman who was unhappy in her marriage and she has had previous affairs and he struck up a friendship with her and started an affair with her. He has lied to me for months and slowly pulled away from me and our friends. I finally caught him and I helped him find a place to live and moved him out of our home. I have made alot of changes in my life for him. You know everything we did was what he wanted. Im very hurt. I do not check on him or talk to him and have asked him to stay away from me. I refuse to let a in-mature, fifty year old man that cannot control his emotions or actions back into my life. Looking forward to when I'm ready finding an honest, loving person to share my life with.

Janet on December 07, 2011:

Reading this article and other peoples comments helped me so much so I thought I would comment too.

I was in love with my ex, who broke up with me a couple days ago, for three years. He was my best friend, the only one I felt truly understood me. Talking to him was like being in heaven. He could always make me smile and help me through hard times. He never returned the feeling though, because his first love had hurt him so much he was scared to be in another relationship. Finally, he overcame his fear and asked me to be with him. Our time together was the happiest time of my life. But after a while we realized tht we were falling out of love. I wanted to work things out because I was not ready to lose him yet; he was my everything. But he ended it, as I was truly devestated. I find myself thinking of him all the time and even when I'm talking about something completely different a tear slips down my cheek. My heart aches when I remember all the little things he did that made me love him. It was so reassuring to know that if I reached out my hand he would be there to take it. I'm still greiving. Let me tell you this: getting over a first love is the hardest thing in the world. There's an empty, hollow feeling in my chest which I know will not be filled for a while.

I've talked to him, not letting him know how much this has affected me, and he still wants to be friends. But it's not the same. He's being very different. I don't know if we'll ever be as close as we were before. I know that he will be with another girl soon enough, because surely someone else will realize how amazing he is. It hurts to know that I will be replaced, not just as a girlfriend but as a best friend as well. The moments spent with him were truly breathtaking and I wish I had treasured every second. It's impossible to contemplate now, but I know I will love again.

"there's no guarantee this life is easy"~Miley Cyrus

I hope this makes someone realize they are not alone. If anyone needs to talk just comment and I will email you or something.

"if you ever forget what you're living for, just look in the mirror"

Rich on December 07, 2011:

Thank you so much! This was good to hear at this moment! :)

mella on December 07, 2011:

still cant get rid of him...

aerin on November 30, 2011:

Thank you for you brilliant post.

I was with my boyfriend for 2 years. I never thought that I could lose him, I was jealous, histerical, although he wasn't sensitive to me at all. Using sex-chat rooms, arranging 'meetings' with random women, chatting to his 'girl friends' and never mentioning me. And I was always there for him. It only took me to move to another town when he realised that he can not take my jealousy anymore. He did it perfectly, everything was my fault: he waited for my histerical crisis and told me that he can't take it anymore and disappeared. I cried, I begged him to forgive me, but he just ignored me. I have been through breakups before, but every time it hurts even more, every time you have less and less hope that you will find the RIGHT person. Everytime you have less and less confidence to think that you deserve the right person. I wish everyone who is on this page to be strong. One day you will remember what you have been going through and you will think that you've made a good choice.

bsktbll on November 26, 2011:

My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. Never saw it coming. He always seemed so happy, talked about marrying me. Then he said he still liked me, wanted me to wait for him to figure his life out (he was depressed). Strung me along a couple months. Recently, he said he's done, he feels nothing, and doesn't care anymore. I know him pretty well. I think he's lying. I think he just needs to figure out his life and realize we were good together; not make me a scapegoat for his depression. Is it bad to wait for that? We're not talking or texting, we blocked each other on facebook, and I moved all his things. He still has my stuff, still wanted to talk after the break up, still wanted to hang out. I cant be friends, but I want him in my life. Could it work? He's treated me like crap lately. Even admitted he wanted me to hate him to make it easier for me. But I cant. It felt so right with him. I thought he'd always be there. Am I just in denial? I dunno. All I've got is the hope I'll be happy with him again. I do like your article, I just don't want to put it into practice. Because that'll mean I cant trust myself anymore. I saw him, trusted him, loved him, and look where that left me?

karishma on November 26, 2011:

well, all of this sounds good in theory but is really hard to implement in real life. i was in a co dependant relationship but never realized and i want to change and make a functional relationship with my ex. i know i can and i love him and he loves me. i just could not understand he was jus being normal, and not drifting away, and i held on too tight n drove him further :(

Amanda on November 15, 2011:

OMG,I literally spent SO much time reading stupid articles on how to get my ex back that I went crazy blind and didn't see how better off I am WITHOUT him! I should have spent all that time reading about why I SHOULDN'T get back with him! After everything I went through and all the things he did I finally found your hub which made me realize what a DUCHE he really is! thank you soooooo much for opening my eyes! exes r the worst!!! your hub is PERFECT!

M. Rose (author) from Orange County, CA on November 14, 2011:

Thank you to everyone who shared their stories on here. I may not respond to all of you, but I do read all your comments.

xhater: Never trust someone who cheats on you. I'm sure you already know that in your heart, but thought you could use a reminder. You're better off without him!

Maria456: Your comment is awesome. You've given a great argument on the topic of getting your ex back that everyone should read. Thank you for writing it!

Jeanette: Thanks for the correction. You're right, but I try to keep my writing conversational on the internet. It's not an essay, so I don't worry so much about those things.

matthew: That doesn't sound too demanding at all to me. It sounds like you want to have a relationship with the girl...speaking and seeing each other kinda goes hand in hand with a relationship. Sounds like you're better off finding someone new.

goutami and sam: Isn't that the bummer of life? Writing rules down on paper is a lot harder than putting them into practice in your life. But all you can do is try your best. Sam, you're bound to be depressed after you've been with the same person for 10 years! That's such a long time. It's going to take you a long time to heal, but you will. Hang in there.

Extacy: "Love yourself." Best advice anyone can ever give.

Billa: 18 years is a long time. Talk to her if you feel you need to, maybe write her a letter. But if she's moved on, she's probably forgiven you for whatever happened.

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