7 Ways of Recovering From Hurt After a Break Up
Each and every one of us has been hurt at one point in life. The feelings that result from the hurt are painful, something we wouldn’t want to experience again. The hurt normally leaves us with emotions that totally torment our minds to the point of affecting our physical health.
We feel bitter, angry, hateful and sad. We begin developing a sense of loneliness; have no mood for anything and anybody preferring to be alone. We cry in our closets, hug our teddy bears and pray our world to come to an end. It becomes hard to know whether we will make it another day, how we will survive and how we will recover from the hurt. It seems impossible.
We begin listening to sad love songs, read sad love poems but in the long run we don’t want to listen to anybody or anything neither do we want to talk with our friends and loved ones. We want to be alone as we reel the past memories, the good ones. Inside our hearts the hurt is immeasurable and we are sure nobody knows how much we are hurting.
It seems we are forever going to experience the hurt but the fact of the matter is you can get over the hurt in a short period of time. It may take close to a month but if it goes beyond that time, you need to see a counselor. In terms of memories, you will/might experience them when something triggers those emotions, and it may take more than a year before you get over reminiscing them. Nevertheless when it comes to hurtful feelings it’s unhealthy if it goes beyond a month.
The fact of the matter is if we are still hurtful for a long period of time, it may affect our progress. We can lose direction, become unmotivated, lose hope for a better tomorrow, have no desire to continue living, perform poorly at job place, lose appetite, develop depression, feel everybody is mean and hurting, become miserable, preferring to spend all our time lying on the bed and react negatively towards our loved ones and friends.
How can you get over hurtful feelings so they don’t affect you negatively? How can you move on knowing the relationship is over, you don’t need to get stuck on a relationship that is no more?
1) Allow The Feelings
Don’t bottle up the emotions. Don’t try to hide them from others and yourself. No matter how many breakups a person has gone through before finding the right person, hurt is inevitable. It’s something a person will always experience.
Releasing of emotions acts as a stamp whatever you are going through is as a result of something you have undergone. It’s a way of showing whatever happened is a reality, not an illusion. In such a case, you will not live in denial the relationship is over. This will enable you to move on with your life.
When you bottle up the emotions, in essence you are not dealing with the hurt. Instead you are storing them at the back of your mind – subconscious mind. The problem with this is when something triggers you, for example, your next partner hurts you the emotions that you ‘locked’ suddenly pop out. The effects may be disastrous such that it will affect you negatively both emotionally and physically.
Allow the feelings. Cry if you have to cry. Be angry. Feel the bitterness. Feel the hatred. Experience them for they’ll make you strong. Experiences shape our personalities. They make us have a different outlook of something or life. They help in changing our approach to something, how to deal with something next time it happens, and what needs to be changed in our lives.
Experience the feelings but not for too long. The release of emotions help in the healing process or recovering from hurt but if you experience them over a long period of time, they will become disastrous. The first few days of experiencing them is alright, the second week is when you begin dealing with the thoughts. No longer entertaining them or allowing them to take control of your life.
2) Admit The Truth
Admit the breakup is real. Admit she is no longer in your life. Admit your paths are now different. Admit she is now your ex and you are his/her ex. Admit you are hurt. Admit you are angry and bitter, and feeling lonely.
When you accept the breakup is real, it helps in reinforcing this fact to your mind it’s over and you need to continue moving on with your life. If there is something you need to learn about life is that no matter what happens life still goes on. It never stops and it never waits. The time doesn’t stop, the clock doesn’t stop clicking. So, you don’t need to stop walking ahead because you are still alive. You are breathing.
It’s very tragic if you pretend the breakup is not real. You have to stop living in a fantasy world of thinking you are still in a relationship. It’s obvious at this stage you are not thinking clearly as negative emotional thoughts keep popping up in your mind. You might be pleading to your now ‘ex’ to give the relationship another chance when the fact is, days later after recovering from the breakup you find it was better for the two of you to disintegrate.
3) Don’t Contact Her
You love her very much. There is the possibility she loves you too very much. Despite this fact, it’s important not to bombard her with ‘Let’s get together,’ ‘Let’s save our relationship by solving what might have led you to break up the relationship,’ asking a lot of ‘whys,’ and so on.
For someone to tell you the relationship is over, the person had thought a lot about it. The person thought and came to the decision she cannot see a future with you. Let her decision come to the effect. Enforce her decision by saying, “If that’s what you want.”
After break up avoid calling or texting her. Delete her numbers from your phone, unblock or unfriend her on your Facebook list so is it with other social media sites. Why? It will allow you to settle your mind and begin to think clearly (soberly). During this period of No Contact (30 days and over) you will have gone a step forward in:
i) Knowing whether the relationship was toxic or it will be wise for you to try to get her back.
ii) Help in the healing process.
4) Don’t Blame Your Ex
Is it good to blame others for the wrong they have done? Actually, Yes! How can we accept to bear something painful for the mistake another person has committed? It doesn’t make sense not to blame them. But, ask yourself this question: Will you continue blaming your ex?
The relationship is over. Even if you continue blaming her, she is moving nicely on with her life with her new man. Here, you are full of bitterness, hatred and angry blaming her for the disintegration of the relationship. You are stuck on the road. You are standing blaming whoever or whichever made you to be stuck on the road. Does it mean you will continue standing on the road blaming whoever made you to get stuck on the middle of nowhere? Or will you begin moving on so you can get back to a place you are familiar with?
Blaming is a game of losers. It’s a game you will never win. Stop blaming her. It won’t help. Whether it makes you look good or clean, it doesn’t help. You are just depicting how miserable you are, and how you are unable to deal with the challenge of breakup.
Yah, she may be the one who was in the wrong. She found another guy, fell in love with him and now…the hurt is unbearable. Don’t blame her it’s her undoing that led to the breakup of the relationship. Don’t blame her it’s her unfaithfulness or betrayal of your trust that led to the breakup. Don’t blame her it’s because of her weak heart she couldn’t endure until you get married. Do yourself a favor: Don’t blame any of you two.
You will blame and blame and blame but at the end of the day the fact is the relationship is over. You will be living a life full of anger, hatred and bitterness. You don’t want that. A person who is still angry for something that was done two weeks ago is still experiencing hurt. In fact he is increasing the level of hurt. Don’t blame. Accept the fact it’s over and move on with your life.
5) Listen to Inspiring Songs
Avoid listening to sad songs. They will not help in comforting you. Neither should you listen to the songs your ex sent to you as dedications. Also, don’t listen to songs your ex used to love listening to. These songs will only aid in increasing the hurt. You will become angrier, bitterer, sadder and lonelier. They will bring back the memories you wish to forget.
Instead, listen to songs which are inspiring, motivating and challenging. Listen to songs that will build you up, challenge you to do something for the betterment of your life. Listen to songs that will not remind you of your ex and the breakup.
It’s better you delete all the love songs in your device or transfer them to another device which you will put far away from you. Now is not the time to fall in love or to think of a love that is not there. There are other things in life; it’s not only falling in love. You have a life to live, therefore listen to songs that will help in advancement of your career, goals and fulfillment of your dream.
6) Be Active
Don’t be idle. I bet you have come across statements which say, “Don’t be idle, do something.” The more you are idle, the more you will remember your ex and the breakup the more you will revisit the hurt. In this instance, you will neither recover fully from the breakup nor from the hurt. You should involve yourself in different activities that will enable you to forget your ex.
Engage in activities which will help in your personal development. You have talents, make use of them. A human being derives great pleasure when he/she makes good use of his/her talents. Watch movies, sports and documentaries or go to cinema. Go and play with your friends whichever sport you like be it football or netball. Read books, visit your friends, or involve yourself in any activity which you enjoy.
These activities will help you in appreciating life. They will act as a reminder there is much to life than having a romantic relationship. You will meet new friends, who knows, one of them might be your future hubby or wife.
Stop locking yourself all the time in your closet rethinking the memories of the past relationship. The world is big, meaning there is so much to life. Get out of your closet and enjoy your life to the fullest.
7) Forgive and Forget
Scientific studies have found there are healthy benefits that are derived when a person forgives. Every one of us has been hurt at some point in life. When you decide not to forgive, you are doing yourself disservice. Why? Your ex is moving on with her life. You are stuck, not moving forward. You are still bitter and angry. Up to now you are blaming her or yourself. Your ex was on the wrong as far as you know, but will you keep blaming her for the rest of your life? You were in the wrong, will you keep blaming yourself till when you die?
Whether you are the initiator or the receiver of the breakup, you need to forgive your ex. You will not benefit at all if you keep on hating your ex. It adds no value in your life if you don’t forgive. In essence, you are storing up bitterness, anger and other negative emotions which will negatively affect your life.
Choose to forgive. However hard it is, it’s the best decision you will ever make. Forgiveness is the major ingredient in the recovery from hurt. It acts as a reminder you have a life ahead of you. It’s a reminder the ex does and will not control your life. It’s a reminder hate doesn’t help and you don’t want to live a life of misery always feeling the hurt for the rest of your life.
It’s not necessary to tell your ex you have forgiven him/her. You can forgive her without telling her you have forgiven her. When you forgive, forget about the hurt that was done to you. Forget about the breakup, and forget the wrong that was done to you. Forget she was ever your girlfriend. Consider her as your normal friend.
Realize you have a life to live, thereby, stop thinking about the failed relationship or what could have been changed or not. You have learned a lesson from the relationship, ensure you make best use of it next time you fall in love with another person. Don’t dwell on memories which won’t help in advancement of your life. As stated above, you have a life to live. Time waits for no one. Life has to go on. Pick up the pieces, and move on.
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