Steps to Healing and Recovery After a Breakup

Updated on January 30, 2018
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This is my purpose in life: to better myself through knowledge and help others do the same. I hope you enjoy my writing.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash
Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash | Source

After a breakup, it is right to feel pain. Whether you are the dumper or dumpee, the breakup might have affected you negatively. When love is removed or you are denied it, you'll tend to be affected psychologically. When the emotional bonding is severed, you will feel psychological pain.

The pain results from the fact you trusted your partner with your heart. You gave him your whole heart. Instead of taking care of your heart, he broke it into pieces. He betrayed your trust. Now, you are hurting. It is unbearable and you're wondering if you will ever heal and if the pain in your heart will ever go away.

Before you go do something extreme like committing suicide, realize that you can get up on your feet and move on. Healing is possible if you only allow the healing process to take place. When you have healed from the breakup, you will recover and you can move on with your life.

This article will show the steps you need to follow in order to heal from the hurt that resulted from the breakup.

1. Accept the Fact You Are Hurt

You have to admit you are hurt. You are feeling pain in your heart. Don't pretend you haven't been affected psychologically and everything is going well with you. Don't act as if it's not a big deal because it is a big deal.

If you do not accept you are hurt, the healing process will not begin. You will hinder the natural healing process to begin its course. Remember, you are not the only one who has been hurt as a result of the breakup. You need to take heart that you aren't the only one who is experiencing the pain.

2. Deal With Your Feelings

Don't bottle up the hurtful feelings. When you suppress the feelings, it is a clear sign you are running away from the hurtful feelings as you do not want experience them. In fact, you are behaving like a person who has gone to a pub to drink beer in order to deal with a problem that is troubling him. You are only deceiving yourself if you think the beer will help you in getting rid of the problem.

Experience the anger, the hatred, the bitterness and other hurtful feelings because that is how the body has been conditioned to deal with psychological pain in order for the healing process to commence.

When you have felt the hurtful feelings, it is time to deal with them. Get rid of them by ensuring you don't entertain them. Do not let the negative emotions be your companions. If you do so, you will never heal, recover from the breakup, nor move on with your life. You will develop certain psychological diseases such as depression which might translate to physical illnesses such as back pain and headache. You will not enjoy your life nor find the reason to live. Deal with the negative emotions. Do not let them control your life.


3. Don't Keep It to Yourself

Don't suffer the pain alone. It may get worse which might affect almost every aspect of your life negatively including your relationship with other people. You might develop depression and low self-esteem. Confide to someone who is very close to you or understands you about what you are feeling and how you are feeling. If you feel the pain is increasing in momentum, it might be better to seek a counselor.

4. Write It Down

Write down what and how you are feeling. This is because scientific studies have discovered writing aids in the healing process. When you jot down what you are feeling, a few hours or days later when you read what you had written you might gauge for yourself whether the pain has decreased from the time the breakup happened. It will create a picture of your condition at the moment. Thereby, you will know which steps to undertake to ensure you are on the road to recovery.

For instance, if you have jotted down that you're thinking often about your ex, when you read later on what you had written you will know you need to do something about it. This is because the more you think about your ex the more you feel the pain.

5. Take a Break From Your Ex

Breakups are tiring and stressful. You are wounded — not externally, but internally. You need to take a break so that the wound can heal. Your ex does not matter anymore. He will not make things any better for you. You are the one who has to decide whether you want to heal from the hurt that resulted from the breakup or not.

You need to stop contacting your ex. You have to exercise No Contact Rule whereby you cease any form of communication with your ex. Don't engage him in your life at the moment until you're sure you need him or not for the rest of your life.


6. Don't Turn Against Yourself

Don’t hate yourself. Don’t blame yourself for too long for contributing to the breakup or the end of the relationship.

Don't feel unworthy because you were dumped or because you dumped your ex. Don’t tell yourself you are stupid, that you don’t deserve another partner or that another relationship will never work out (even if it is your fourth breakup.)

In general, don't entertain any negative thoughts about yourself. We all make mistakes but the most important thing is whether we've learned anything, and whether we want to change for the better.

If you were the cause of the breakup, the best you can do is to ask your ex to forgive you. If you ended the relationship because your partner was always hurting you, try to forgive your ex.

7. Damage the "Video Tape"

If you want to heal and recover from your breakup, you need to stop re-running the good memories you shared with your ex in your head. Your mind has done a wonderful job of getting rid of the not-so-good memories and concentrated only on the good parts of the relationship that you had with your ex.

But the reality is that you are denying the fact the relationship did come to an end. You are trying to escape the pain by getting lost in the past. Damage the video tape.

8. No More Love Songs

You should take a break from listening to any love songs, both sad and not sad. When you listen to love songs, they will remind you of your relationship and make you long for your ex.

They will fill you with thoughts that you shouldn't entertain. Listen to uplifting, encouraging, motivating, and challenging songs.This is not a time to think about love or be reminded of it.

9. Experience the World

Don’t lock yourself in your closet for long. As much as the world hurts you, it also has a lot of good things to offer. Don’t mourn for too long.

Get out and feel the world. Breathe in the fresh air. Consider the beauty that is still left and know that the hurt won't last forever. Let the beauty of the world enlighten and inspire you.


10. Forgive Your Ex

There is no benefit in holding a grudge against your ex. You gain nothing by hating your ex and remaining angry. It will only become a burden to you. Forgiving your ex has several benefits.

  • It assists you in getting rid of negative emotions.
  • You learn to be strong when you are hurt by somebody.
  • You are reminded that your life is not dictated by a failed relationship or an ex who was inconsiderate of you.

11. Forget the Pain

Once you have forgiven your ex, be determined not to remember the pain. When you remember it, your chances of healing and recovering will be jeopardized.

Hurts are never meant to be remembered. They are meant to let you know that hurt is inevitable, and one should rise above it by learning to be strong when he or she faces it.

12. Don't Forget to Forgive Yourself

Try to forgive yourself. It doesn't matter who broke up with who—if you blame yourself and start conjuring bad thoughts, you will find yourself in a downward spiral of negativity. Give yourself a break. Don't let negative thoughts rule your mind.

How to Heal a Broken Heart—Stop Hurting Now

13. Read Books, Watch Movies, and Exercise

Read poems, novels, and books that have nothing to do with romance (except ones that concentrate on how to get over breakups and deal with the hurt that comes from someone wronging you).

Watch movies like documentaries and comedies. And exercise! Exercise helps a great deal when recovering from a breakup.

Just remember that you don’t want to concentrate on anything concerning past love, so avoid everything that reminds you of that.

14. It Is Your Decision

If you don’t come to the conclusion you want to heal and recover from the breakup, you never will. You have to decide to do what you can to realize the results.

If you are determined to come out of the breakup in one piece, you will. Therefore, decide to do whatever it takes. Concentrate on yourself and you will be able to move on.

Questions & Answers


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    • profile image


      8 weeks ago

      Hey! Samantha, i too just broke up. With my gf i feel so damn low like i just want to time travel and make it so that i never would have dated her, the pain doesn't go away (i hope it goes away) i am in the same class as her so its damn hard to not think about her each day feels like i m drowning in cold water its just too hard. We broke up and got back together several times i know we wouldn't happy but i can't aceppt my life without her today i went to talk to her just to be ignored Samantha i hope you will recover from this breakup and don't think about getting back it will only bring you more suffering

    • Ben716 profile imageAUTHOR

      Alianess Benny Njuguna 

      3 months ago from Kenya

      Hi Samantha. I understand how you feel. During the first days after the breakup you'll feel every pinch of pain. However, as was in my case and countless others, you can get out of breakup in one piece - heal and recover.

      Now is not the time to think about your ex or the possibility of getting back. Whether you'll get back together or not shouldn't be your priority now. What matters now is to gain the strength to get through the breakup.

      First, it will be good to confide to somebody you trust. This will assist you in loosening the baggage of pain you feel. Again, your friend or that someone you trust will act as a reminder you can get through.

      Next, if you've any photos of your ex it'll be a good idea to tear them into pieces or lock them somewhere you'll not remember them. You can ask someone to keep them for you. Block him from you social accounts such as FB and Whatsapp. Don't unfriend because you might be tempted to friend them. This will help you from wanting to see his photos, his updated status and the need to contact him. Delete his numbers so as to avoid the temptation of contacting him.

      As you've indicated, it will be a good idea to stop taking the sleeping pills. Although it will be hard to get sleep, there are various activities you can engage in to get the sleep that is much needed. Watch a movie, listen to songs (not love songs), chat with your friends and/or family members, read a novel, engage in writing activities e.g. participating in writing contests or if you have a pet, find time to play with it or spend some time with it.

      Don't stay indoor for a long time (even if you're an introvert). Visit places, your friends, spend time in the public library. Avoid visiting spots you know your ex likes going to. No accidental bumps. You should try as much as possible not to see each other face-to-face. In case you work in the same company or study in the same school/college/university or live in a small neighborhood, you can greet each other but no more.

      The Internet is full of success stories of individuals who healed and recovered from a breakup. Read those stories. They will strengthen and help you to resolve to get out of the breakup in one piece. There are online groups such as FB groups that deal with issues of relationships. You can join one of them. You will learn much and make friends who will enable you to get over the breakup.

      Remember, you will not get over the breakup in a short time depending on how much you invested in the relationship and the duration of the relationship. But, resolve you'll get over the breakup. Make up your mind the breakup won't break you down into pieces. You'll pick up the pieces and move on. Don't think about getting back together or think about the failed relationship. Stop entertaining any image of your ex in your mind. When it happens, engage in an activity to distract you from it.

      About the sleeping pills, flash them into the toilet. Don't take any.

      You might be interested to read my other two articles which I hope will help you feel better and sleep better: The Benefits of No Contact Rule and why you should forgive your ex.

      I know you'll get out of the breakup in one piece because you've resolved to do so. Best wishes.

    • profile image


      3 months ago

      I can't cope with the pain of my break up. Can't eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can't sleep without the sleeping pills. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      2 years ago

      It's also good to spend time with your friends and family.

      Not only can they be supportive but they can help you put things in perspective. Almost everyone has been rejected or dumped.

      "A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn. Thankfully there are over 7 Billion other people on the planet.

      Every ending is a new beginning!

      One other thing to keep in mind....

      In order for your (ex) to have been "the one" she would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually WANTS to be with you! (And vice versa).

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

      If someone dumps you they clearly don't think you're special.

      Your future lies ahead of you and not behind of you.


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