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Steps to Healing and Recovery After a Breakup

This is my purpose in life: to better myself through knowledge and help others do the same. I hope you enjoy my writing.

Irrespective of whether you're the one who initiated the breakup, or were dumped, a break up hurts both partners at varying degrees. The intensity of pain is affected by various factors such as: the length of the relationship, how much the partners invested in the relationship, how healthy and strong the relationship was, the mental health of the partners (e.g. do they suffer from frequent bouts of depression) and their personality (e.g. are they narcissists or needy).

Many people have the notion it's only the dunpees who feel the impact of the break up. This is far from the truth. The majority of dumpers begin experiencing the pain several weeks or days before the culmination of the break up. The pain is intensified when the reality of the break up dawns on their mind several days after ending the relationship. This elucidates why majority of dumpers take long to recover than the dumpees.

The pain cuts deep into your being, you don't know if you'll ever heal, and recover from the break up. You resort to short-term measures to alleviate the pain e.g. becoming addicted to drugs and alcoholic beverages.

The break up might have occurred several months or years ago, but the pain has never subsided, or you've never healed, and recovered from the breakup. You wonder whether you'll ever cease feeling the pain, and if you'll ever recover.

The good news is that you can relieve yourself of the pain for good, and recover in a shorter time when you undertake healthy steps to realize that expectation.

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

The following are tips that might help you to heal and recover from your breakup. Generally, it should take you an average of 1-3 months to heal. Some individuals recover from their breakups between 6-12 months which is normal.

1. Accept the Fact You Are Hurt

You have to admit you are in pain. Don't pretend to yourself, and others, you haven't been affected by the breakup, or you've been affected a little whereas the reality is the pain you're feeling is unbearable. Don't act as if it's not a big deal because it is a big deal.

The healing process will only commence when you admit to yourself the break up has occurred. When the healing has begun its course, and you don't inhibit it, then the possibility of a recovery is assured.

2. Experience & Tranquilize the Hurtful Emotions

Don't bottle up the hurtful feelings. Suppressing the hurtful feelings will inhibit the healing process from commencing, and will jeopardize recovery from the break up.

Your body has to experience the hurtful emotions so that it can be aware of their existence thereby propelling it to extinguish them from your emotional system. Holding back the emotions is giving the emotions the leeway to increase the damage on the already wounded heart thereby intensifying the pain you feel.

In short, feel the hurtful emotions, then deal with them by not allowing them to remain in you, that is, letting them rule over you.

3. Don't Keep It to Yourself

Don't suffer in silence when the reality is that there are people out there who are willing to help you get over the breakup. Confide in your loved one(s) and/or a trusted friend. You can also seek groups that offer advice or probable solutions on how to overcome various challenges or difficulties in life.

By doing so, you'll learn further tactics from them (in addition to the ones provided here) on how to recover from the breakup, the sadness will be replaced by happiness knowing there are people who care for you, they'll engage you in fun activities to distract you from brooding on the failed relationship.

All the above constitute emotional support which you'll be in need of during the grieving period after losing the relationship.

4. Write It Down

Write down what and how you are feeling. This is because scientific studies have discovered writing aids in the healing process. When you jot down what you are feeling, a few hours or days later when you read what you had written you might gauge for yourself whether the pain has decreased from the time the breakup happened. It will create a picture of your condition at the moment. Thereby, you will know which steps to undertake to ensure you are on the road to recovery.

For instance, if you have jotted down that you're thinking often about your ex, when you read later on what you had written you will know you need to do something about it. This is because the more you think about your ex the more you feel the pain.

5. Take a Break From Your Ex

Remaining in contact with your ex after the breakup can be mentally damaging. Instead of your wounded heart healing from the pain caused by the breakup, the pain is intensified making it difficult to go past the break up.

Staying in contact will hinder the healing process and eventual recovery since the contact will cause you to suppress the hurtful emotions. It's highly impossible for your ex to assist you towards recovering from the breakup. Your ex is the object of the breakup. And as much as you enjoy the contact with them, however frequent or infrequent it is, it'll never help you get over the breakup. If you haven't gotten over your ex, and the failed relationship, you'll never get over the breakup.

Your mind, and heart, will be focused on your ex denying you an opportunity to work on yourself so that you can recover from the breakup.

6. Don't Turn Against Yourself

You're the cause of the breakup. You deserve all the blame for the end of the relationship. But, how long will you blame yourself for the demise of the relationship?

Of course, you've to admit to yourself, and your ex, you're the cause of the break up if it's true. However, you shouldn't hate yourself by thinking lowly about yourself. You'll be destroying yourself internally before the negative effects are felt outward (physically). Also, it might compromise your relationship with other people e.g. your family members, relatives and colleagues.

This also rings true for dumpers. You'll feel guilty for having terminated the relationship. You'll hate yourself for having gone through with your decision instead of giving the relationship another try. You have to deal with the guilty, whether it's justified to feel guilty or not - having ended the relationship on a reasonable ground or not. Feeling guilty, hating yourself, treating yourself as garbage, and so on, will be detrimental to your mental health, and all that constitutes you, and the different aspects of your life.

7. Forgive Yourself and Your Ex

The only way to go around your guilty feelings is to forgive yourself, and seek the same if you're the cause of the breakup, or your reasons for ending the relationship were groundless.

Forgiving yourself displays your acceptance you're the cause of the break up. Thereby, it offers you an opportunity to straighten the crooked paths in your life so that you become a better you in all aspects of your life, including your future relationship, or if you happen to reunite with your ex.

You should forgive your ex if they were the cause of the break up. You can choose to forgive them without telling them, or letting them know you've forgiven them for hurting you before and during the breakup. Also, you should forgive them for breaking up with you if you fell they weren't justified to do so.

The most common negative emotions that sprouts from a break up are anger, bitterness, and hatred. These three emotions are a clear indication of how much you loathe your ex (even if you've still feelings for them). They act as a wake-up call to take the necessary steps of forgiving them so that they don't influence your life negatively.

Remember, forgiving yourself and/or your ex doesn't translate to overpassing your behaviours or attitudes, or those of your ex. It means you'll not let the negative emotions - anger, bitterness, hatred - have an upper-hand or gain control of the steering wheel of your mind by enslaving your mind to their wishes.

Whilst the heart is receptive to forgive, the mind is objective to that idea. Give your mind the reasons why it should forgive your ex, and itself. And, love itself.

8. Damage the "Video Tape"

If you want to heal and recover from the breakup, you need to stop re-running the good memories you shared with your ex in your mind. Your mind has done a wonderful job of filtering out of its system the not-so-good memories and concentrated only on the good parts of the relationship that you had with your ex.

Thinking about your ex, and the good times you'd with them, only increases the pain you're feeling, makes you more sad, and disrupts the healing process. You're only doing yourself injustice by not accepting the relationship ceased to be, don't want to face the pain, and want to reclaim something that's no longer there.

9. No More Love Songs

You should take a break from listening to any love songs, including the sad ones. You're feeling sad, so it's proper to listen to the sad romantic songs. You can relate with the songs because that's how you're feeling. Nonetheless, listening to sad love songs won't make you feel happy about yourself, rejuvenate your mood, assist you in the healing and recovery process. Instead, they'll make you yearn for your ex.

In addition, the songs might make you loathe your ex the more thereby increasing the pain, and making it difficult to look forward to another day. Your days will be gloomy; wishing for death to swallow you, or to never awake from your sleep. The pain will compel you to seek alcoholic beverages and/or drugs to alleviate it thereby becoming addicted to them.

10. Experience the Bright Side of the World

Don’t lock yourself in your closet for long. As much as the world is hurting, it also has a lot of good things to offer. In short, don’t mourn for too long.

Get out, and be encouraged and inspired by the world. When was the last time you took careful note of little things in life that matter, but which usually go unnoticed? See that elderly woman smiling at you. That toddler trying to make good use of their legs. That woman carrying a baby in her womb. Breathing in the fresh air. The companion of your loved ones and friends.

When have you visited a national park or reserve? Or, an animal orphanage? Why not visit one, and be encouraged by the wild animals. What about a pet? Do you have one? Get one, and be inspired.

The world is not always that hurting. Not always that evil. You still have your life to enjoy it on the most appropriate way. Yah, visit a museum. Or, take a vacation or trip to a distant state or a foreign nation. Or, behold the beauty of a waterfall, trees or the wonders of the world.

Have you ever gazed at the night sky dotted with stars, and planets? Have you never been amazed at staring at them? Why not spend small amount of time every night, when possible, gazing at the night sky.

The world is waiting for you to show its good side. Don't let it, and yourself, down.

How to Heal a Broken Heart—Stop Hurting Now

11. Forget the Pain

Once you have forgiven your ex, be determined not to remember the pain caused by your ex (or yourself) that resulted in the breakup. When you think of what led to the pain you're feeling, your chances of healing and recovering will be compromised.

Hurts are never meant to be remembered. They should act as a reminder that they're inevitable; not only limited to romantic relationships. They should arm you with knowledge on the necessary steps to undertake to lessen their severity, and eventual healing. It means not living in the past, but learning from it, and moving on with your life.

12. Get Back to Your Routines, and What You Loved Doing

Break up has a tendency to snatch from a person the things they loved doing, and the routines they were accustomed to. One becomes moody; not wanting to talk to anyone, eat, or do the things they used to do.

Consequently, you should start doing the things you loved doing e.g. exercising, playing a particular game, walking for leisure, reading books, and so on.

Don't neglect engaging in activities that bring you happiness, make you feel good about yourself, and lighten up your world. They act as a reminder even in a hurtful situation, you can enjoy your life, and you can get better by concentrating on things that matter the most to you.

13. Volunteer

One of human's most satisfying experience is using one's knowledge and skills to help others. It makes an individual pleased at volunteering their time and skills, and helping accomplish a worthy task.

Thus, volunteering will deviate your mind from being focused on the breakup. It will lighten the intensity of the emotions, and provide you with a positive outlook of the present, and your future.

Identify organizations that require volunteers on general or specific projects, whichever you'd feel satisfactory doing it at will. You can search for volunteer opportunities online which require volunteers at your local area, or nationally, or internationally.

14. Be Grateful

However hurting or abusive your partner is, there are good times you shared together. No matter how unhealthy or unstable the relationship was, there were good moments you would want to treasure.

This doesn't mean you should always rewind your mind to such moments. It means, despite what might have led to the breakup, you're grateful to have been in the relationship with the person.

Being grateful, as opposed to blaming yourself or your ex, or being continuously angry and bitter towards your ex or yourself, will provide good thoughts, and subsequently, positive feelings, that will propel you towards recovery.

It might be a good idea to thank your ex for the time the two of you shared together. Even though your lives will head in different paths, you're thankful for having a shared a part of you and theirs.

15. It Is Your Decision

If you aren't determined to heal and recover from the breakup, you'll never get past it. You've to be disciplined to see to it that you don't engage in activities that will hinder the healing and recovery process.

It might be difficult for you, but take courage of the fact you aren't the only one experiencing the effects of a breakup; and you can recover from it just as tens of people recover from theirs every year.

Such people recovered from their break ups because they're were focused, and they undertook healthy steps to see to it that they weren't enslaved by the emotions resulting from the breakup.

When You Should Seek Professional Help

While some heal and recover from a break up within the shortest time possible, some grapple with the break up; having enslaved them that they lack a clear or positive outlook of life.

You should seek professional help (e.g. a counselor or therapist) if:

  1. You are relying on alcohol and drugs to cope with the break up.
  2. You're contemplating ending your own life.
  3. Your ex is threatening you.
  4. You want to revenge on your ex by causing physical harm.
  5. You're overwhelmed by the hurtful emotions to the point your mental sanity is at stake.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

Question: How can I get over him? I loved him then and still do. I can't stay away even if I want to please him. Please help me. We have been dating for over 8 months. How can I forget him so easily?

Answer: The first thing is you need to be disciplined and determined. You have to forget him if you want to recover from the breakup and move on. You need to delete his numbers from your phone book. Unfriend or block him from your online social accounts. Be determined you will not contact him and disciplined that when you feel like contacting him, you will tell yourself the relationship is over, you have to move on thus you need to forget him and move on with your life. Always remind yourself of this. You have to stop stalking him. Tear his photos into pieces. Always smile even when you feel sad because it will remind you there is a future, you can make it by recovering from the breakup and moving on. Forgive him if he was the one in the wrong and forgive yourself whether you were in the wrong or reacted negatively during the breakup. Be gentle to yourself and stop blaming yourself. Write a letter to yourself. In it, write why you have to forget him and move on. Always have that letter with you for it will always act as a reminder why you need to forget him. And love yourself and know clinging to him is denying yourself of the fact you can move on.

Question: How can I get over my ex even if I have to see him every single day? Will this method still work?

Answer: It will never work unless you cannot avoid because you work in the same place or study in the same class. If this is the case only treat him as a casual friend. Engage only in greetings and things related to work or assignment.

However, if it is the case you want to see him because you want to see him, you will not get over him. You have to stop seeing him, no talking to him or contacting him in any way. You have to distance yourself from him telling him you need your own space - of not seeing each other which means not talking to each other. Treat him as if you don't know him - a casual friend not a platonic friend.

Question: I was in a relationship with a girl for almost ten years. Although we had an agreement that we will need to end our relationship one day if she found a better one as her parents do not like me; she ended it in a bad way when someone walked into her life. Now she wants to keep our friendship, but the hurt she has given to me over the breakup is vulnerable and need me to face her with her new guy. What should I do?

Answer: Firstly, she didn't keep her promise. Why? Maybe it's because to her she found a better guy than you. Secondly, you can't jump from being a lover to an instant friend. That is self-destruction.

You'll have to let her know currently you can't be friends. You need time to heal and recover from the breakup and move on. Until you've moved on, that's when you can be friends. You'll have to stop any communication with her till you've healed and recovered from the breakup.

You can't face her and her man and feel good about it. The breakup hasn't affected her. If it has, only a little bit by the fact she didn't end the relationship as you'd agreed.

There are many reasons why she wants the two of you to be friends but it will have to wait.

Question: I am very much in love with a girl - can't live without her. I tried not to talk to her, but after some days or one week, I went back to her saying, "Hi! Hello!"

Whatever I do for her she always takes it in a negative direction. In the mid of our relationship she also cheated on me; now she is saying that we don't have any future and all that. What should I do?

Answer: You need to cut off communication with her despite how much you love her. I don't see your relationship heading anywhere because whatever you do she steers it in a different direction.

Don't contact her for more than two weeks. It will help in calming your mind and enabling you to reflect on the relationship without hurtful emotions or what you feel for her dictating what to think or decide. You need a time of your own to think things through.

But the way you've described the nature of your relationship, it's better you move on. It hurts but it's the only plausible solution.

Question: I am pregnant with the guy, but we broke up. I love him but he wants us to end the relationship. What can I do?

Answer: You can never force someone to stay if he doesn't want. Even if he stays, he won't be happy in the relationship and that will spell doom in the relationship. If you have talked about the relationship, and your love for him and why you would want the two of you to stay together but he insists in ending the relationship; you will have to agree to his proposal.

However, you should remind him of the unborn child. He has to send you money on a continuous basis to cater for you and the unborn child. This includes when the child has been born till you feel you no longer need his financial assistance. If you don't need his financial assistance, then it's alright. There are legal paths to follow if you feel you are unable to financially meet the needs of the child and the pregnancy when he refuses to cater financially for you and the child.

No need to force yourself on a person who doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Furthermore, is he running away from the responsibility of a father because you're pregnant? If it's also the case, don't bother to insist on staying together.

Question: My husband and I broke up and we have a baby boy. Every time he sends me a text, he want to speak to his child. He tells the child what he does in his life when the boy is only 3 years. What does it mean?

Answer: There are two reasons why he tells the child what is going on in his life or what he is doing.

Firstly, he does not want to break the connection. He doesn't want the boy to think he deserted him or he doesn't care for him. By updating the boy on what he does, he wants to deepen the connection and the love of the child for him.

Secondly, it might be he has found the child (especially since the child is a boy) a better person to talk to on what is going on in his life and what he is doing with his life. When the two of you were together, you were emotionally bonded. Therefore, you told each other what was going on in your lives. The emotional bonding is severed. Since he is emotionally bonded to the child, it might explain his behavior.

Question: My boyfriend of five years didn't want marriage. I did, and so I broke it off. I keep hoping he will change and suddenly become the man I wanted. How do I stop these silly thoughts?

Answer: You have to reaffirm to your heart that the relationship is over. You have to tell it whenever you long for your boyfriend, that you wanted a man to spend the rest of your life within the form of marriage. The man you'd thought would be the one didn't want it.

Also, whenever you think of such thoughts, snap out of them by telling yourself to stop thinking about such things. You're wasting your life. You need to move on. It will take time, but the heart has to always know it is a no-no about your boyfriend and the wishful thinking.

Lastly, cease any form of communication and concentrate on your life. Store away his photos or tear them into pieces. Erase his phone numbers.

Tell your mind and heart to focus ahead. Always remind them the past is past. Now is the present.

Question: I have had an intimate relationship with a guy, and now suddenly he is saying we should be friends again. We have been like this for 3 years. What can I do?

Answer: You can not go from being intimate partners to platonic or close friends. It will never work because it will bring back memories you would wish to vanish, and you'll always be living in the past when you're no longer lovers but friends.

It appears your boyfriend is using you if this getting back and breaking up cycle has been going on like this. The best you can do is to cease communication. Let him know you want to have your own space until you feel confident to be friends.

I don't think trying to get back into the relationship with him is a good decision considering you've been very intimate with your partner for 3 years. The guy is just wasting your time.

After not contacting him for some time, you can be friends but not intimate or close friends. You should be casual friends.

Question: How do I get over an online affair with an old boyfriend who wants to stay married with his wife?

Answer: Here is what you're supposed to do: Tell him you no longer want to have an affair with him since he is a married man. Let him know you are ceasing any communication with him.

Don't stop there. You should unfriend and block him from your Facebook account or any social media site you're communicating through, and delete his number from your phone book if you're chatting through WhatsApp.

Don't give him time to plead with you not to distance yourself. If you do so, you'll never get over him. You have to move on with your life because you wouldn't want to destroy the relationship.

Wish him all the best. Let him know you won't be conversing with him any longer. You want to move on with your life with the hope you'll find your man for life in the near future.

Question: I just ended my relationship with my ex of 4 years about 2 months ago. Things were incompatible for both of us for some time but we dragged on for another 2 years. In the end, she decided to dump me. It hurts like hell. I barely eat and feel so depressed. I feel an emptiness in me and I am afraid I won't get into another relationship with a girl anymore and I don't have many friends to talk to. I still dream of her almost every night. What should I do?

Answer: What you are feeling are the effects of a breakup. You should have healed and recovered by now. If you don't have many friends to offer emotional support, don't fret. You can heal and recover without external support.

You should tell yourself the relationship is over, you should stop thinking about her. Let your heart know that what's in the past is in the past, it's time to move on.

In the article, I have provided steps you can take to heal. I will advise you to read them again.

However, the most important thing to remember is that you've to always remind to focus ahead. When you think about her, snap out of the thoughts. You have to stop thinking about her.

Question: I have to see the person that hurt me all day long. What can I do?

Answer: If you have to see the person who hurt you all day long then you have to make peace with yourself i.e your heart and mind - not allowing negative emotions form and control how you should behave or talk.

Tell yourself you won't allow the hurt to affect your life and relationship with others negatively. Forgive that person as hard as it is. Don't hold onto grudge, bitterness, hatred or anger for long. They will cause more miseries in your life which can lead to depression.

Don't react negatively when you see that person. Act calm, take control of the negative emotions from exploding and don't say much. Don't talk on top of your voice, don't cry or weep and don't let the person see how much you're hurt. But there is nothing wrong in telling that person he hurt you if you feel the need to tell him. However, ensure things don't turn out nasty e.g war of words. Keep your calm and when you trust yourself to talk without shouting or letting hurtful emotions dictate your conversation then you can talk.

While I'm not sure the person who hurt you is your partner or friend; how you act when in that person's presence determines a lot how you deal with any hurt, how long or short it takes to heal from hurt and how much you're in control of hurtful feelings.

Question: I was in a relationship with a girl for three months and was physically involved with her too. We wanted to get married, but her parents were not ready and wanted her to choose between her parents and me. She said she can't leave her parents and ended the relationship. Now every single memory of her is disturbing me again and again, though I deleted my Facebook account and also deleted her contacts. I want to get married now. What should I do?

Answer: There are several things you can do to get rid of the memories of her and the relationship. In less than a month, you should have healed, recovered and moved on. You will have to forgive her parents because you feel they were the cause of the breakup. Remind your heart the relationship is over it has to move on. When you think of her, snap out of it but telling yourself the relationship is over, you have to move on; there is someone else waiting for you. This is the best technique to stop thinking about her. Every time you find yourself thinking about her, remind your heart the relationship is over. This continuous reminder will finally sink in the 'soul' of the 'heart,' and it will realize truly the relationship is over;, therefore, it needs to move on. Also, forgive your ex because if you exhibit any grudge against her. And please, do not jump in another relationship till you have moved on.

Question: My ex and I were best friends and we had a relationship going on for a while. We keep on going off and on and I am trying to stop talking to him but he will not stop talking to me. I just want some time to heal. What do I say to him when he tries to get back into a relationship?

Answer: Tell him you need space and time. Your life is falling into pieces because of the getting together and apart. The fights, the returning to the relationship before you've even taken time to heal is affecting you negatively psychologically. You don't feel right now is the time to get together.

Let him know you need time to heal, to reflect on the relationship, to make sense of the relationship and you need time to take care of yourself since you've neglected yourself for quite a time. Thus, he should give you space by not communicating to do each other for a while.

Question: How do I get over my husband of 24 years? We have two children 24 & 19 years respectively, finances, house and property together. He is now having his 4th affair and I don’t want him back but still love him.

Answer: It's so sad to love someone but that person doesn't reflect the same feeling.

These are ways you can get over your husband:

a) Your children will aid you in the healing process. As you spend time with them always reflect you want them to succeed in life because that's the desire of every mother. The realization you will do anything for their success will strengthen the resolve and will act as a reminder you can move on and feel good about yourself without your husband by your side.

b) You can't delete or block your husband's numbers because of emergency issues that might arise. But you can unfriend or block him from your social media accounts including WhatsApp (if you are each other's friends in Facebook or other social media sites).

c) Find in your heart the need to forgive him so that you can free yourself from negative emotions that might have taken hold of you. It will be far better if you send him a text either online (before you unfriend or block him) or through the normal SMS and let him know you have forgiven him and will no longer hold any grudge against him. In addition let him know even though you love him, you've to move on with your life and wish him all the best.

d) Family photos: You will have to store them away till in future when you have healed and recovered and are moving on with your life. If you keep on browsing through the photos (online, on the phone or physical album) you might break down and begin missing him and wishing a thousand things. Store them away or find a way of locking them.

e) Take a pen and paper. It's better than using a phone or laptop. What did you like about your husband and the relationship? Note them down. Be grateful for them. Now, he's no longer with you. You need to move on. Which things should you do to help you move forward? Your children, loved ones, friends, your work, your accomplishments, what you have, your resolve to move on, what you like most about yourself, your hobby(ies) and the desire (the will, the determination) to move on.

Tell yourself it's okay. You will cry, you'll long for him, you'll miss him but not for long. I will be determined to get through this.

f) Store away his possession or lock them in the store or basement if you have them with you. It would be much better if you give him his possession. They will always remind you of him when the most important thing now is not remember him but finding your foot to move on, that is, get over him.

g) Whenever you find yourself thinking about him, snap out of it. Let your heart know you don't want him back; you want to move on with your life without it. Always remind it the cord was broken by your husband. He had been unfaithful thus you cannot continue in a relationship whereby your partner is unfaithful. It's no longer a healthy relationship.

And when you forgive your husband, try to forget how he hurt you. The forgiving might be difficult but forgetting is more difficult. However, find the strength to forgive him and in time you'll forget how he hurt you and that's when you'll have truly moved on.

Question: How do I get over my ex as I have to see him every single day because we’re in the same class. Plus he wants to end the relationship and wanted to convert it into friendship. What do I do now?

Answer: You will need to reprogram your mind that the relationship doesn't exist anymore. It will take time but if you're persistent and disciplined by continually convincing yourself you're no longer in the relationship, you'll get through.

You shouldn't accept to be friends. It will be very hurtful to you as you're the one who's being dumped. You should be casual friends. Limit your talking to him. If it happens you're in his team or he's in yours when given assignment; don't talk to him too much. Converse to him like you would a new friend whom you barely know.

Additionally, it will help if you unfriend him on your social media accounts, and delete his numbers or store them away.

Ensure you don't think about him. Whenever you do so, snap out of the thoughts. Tell yourself you shouldn't think about him.

Don't engage in another relationship immediately and don't use it to show your ex you're better off. Spend more time with your friends and be grateful for the time you've spent with each other. Don't hold any grudge or hatred or anger against him.

In summary, don't be personal with him in whatsoever way.

Question: I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years and he decided to end it. Once it happened I found out that I have rejection issues and because of that, I could be arguing for very small reasons. But now I am working on it. He developed depression but told me just recently. I do love him and I think that his decision was made due to depression. I don't know whether to fight for it or move on. I cannot believe that I can live without him. What should I do?

Answer: Before you try to get him back into your life, you have to deal with the rejection issue. If you haven't dealt with it, it could lead to more problems. First of all, work on accepting and loving yourself. Don't feel worthless or have low self-esteem about yourself.

Secondly, your ex has to deal with his depression. If he hasn't, he won't get back with you. If he does get back with you, it will also cause problems in the relationship. Thus, he has to deal with his depression.

This means you have to give yourself and your ex time to work out on your areas before you try to get him back.

It will be good to ask your boyfriend to forgive you. This will partly help your boyfriend to overcome his depression. Also, it will make you feel good about yourself which will further boost your self-esteem.

Let him know you love him and that you're working on improving yourself.

This translates to not contacting him for a month. This is to give both of you your own space and to work out on things that are troubling you. After that period, you will have a clear picture of what to do - move on or try to get back your ex.

Question: How can I forgive him while he never asked for forgiveness? How can I forgive him knowing he was the cause of my miscarriage?

Answer: When you forgive someone, it doesn't mean you are giving him the leeway or opportunity to hurt you. It doesn't mean you accept what he did to you because it isn't acceptable.

Forgiveness is for your own benefit. It aids you in getting rid of negative emotions - anger, hatred, bitterness. When you hold onto these emotions, they will have disastrous effects on your wellbeing both psychologically and physically.

Nit forgiving him is the same as letting him (his actions) have control of what you should do and not do. They will dictate which actions to take.

In life, we experience hurt or wrong is done against us on different levels. In most of these cases, those who wrong us don't ask for forgiveness or acknowledge what they did. We can't force them. What we are left with is to forgive them because we don't want their actions to affect us negatively.

Forgive him not because you're condoning his action but to prevent yourself from being affected negatively by his action.

Question: How can I forgive my ex when he told me that he was with me for a year because he felt sorry for me after three years of our relationship?

Answer: It's very sad and hurting the words your ex uttered to you. But, you have to forgive him for your benefit. You might tell yourself you'll not forgive him because he doesn't deserve it. However, not forgiving him won't affect him in any way.

You'll be the only one who is hurting. The anger, the hatred will take control of your life. They will affect you negatively both psychologically and physically. It will negatively impact your relationship with other people and when you engage in a relationship.

You will develop depression and low self-esteem. The anger and hatred will take control of your mind to the extent you will do something you'll regret later.

To avoid all these negative effects which won't affect your ex bit you; you'll have to forgive him. You cry, promising yourself you won't forgive him. But, you're only hurting yourself.

When you let anger and hatred take control of you, you are letting your ex control your mind. You've to stop it as hard as it is. You've to regain peace of mind and heart, your self-esteem and control of your life.

Tell yourself you've forgiven him. You won't hold a grudge against him and will try to forget how he hurt you. You'll find your feet to move on because the far you've come, you won't let anyone destroy it because he has hurt you.

Look back the far you've come. Don't let the anger and hatred impede your progress in life. You've to stop minding him.

When you've forgiven him, send him a text and thank him for everything. Delete his numbers, block him from your social media accounts. You've to move on with your life. And, if he ever comes back don't welcome him.

I was on the same boat but a different water. My ex told my friends that she never loved me. They forced her to love me. However, my friends knew as I did; she did love me. She didn't want to tell my friends or I the reason she dumped me was that she was seduced by a man who had "good" money. It did hurt, but if I still held on to grudge, it wouldn't help me. She is with another man. I would only be self-destructing myself.

The power to forgive is in your hands. Tell yourself why you've to forgive him, which are the benefits of forgiveness, and forgive him as difficult as it is.

Question: I was in love with a person but I thought she was not that person at all! I'm grieving over someone that doesn't exist. Any ideas?

Answer: It's important you find the reason why you love someone that doesn't exist. So you lose your mother at a young age? Did your mother not provide you with enough love? Did your father mistreat or abused you as you grew up as a single dad?

You might be feeling a loneliness in you because of any of the above reasons or others. There are some factors that have led you to long or crave for love to a person that doesn't exist. Either you know or don't know the person you love.

You might love a light but in reality you are comparing her to a person that doesn't exist. Who is that person who doesn't exist?

Look back into your childhood. How did you grow up? What about the environment your free up in? Was it inviting or cruel?

Did a girl you loved crush your heart? Did she betray you? Did she end the relationship even though loved her very much?

You have to look back in your life to know why you're feeling this way.

It might be your fantasizing about that person who you don't know or haven't seen her face. You visualize her as the perfect girl for you. You talk to her. You have fallen in her despite she isn't real. If it's the case, you have to stop yourself from fantasizing about the nonexistent girl. This one is a common phenomenon. Grieving your nonexistent girl might mean you no longer feel attached to her. She appears distant. She is fading away. Let her fade away. Stop thinking about her because she isn't real.

Question: After my boyfriend and I broke up, he doesn't text me. I think he is avoiding me, what should I do?

Answer: Don't send him any texts as it's evident he is avoiding you. It is a difficult step to do but it's the right step to avoid falling into the pit of depression.

Don't send him another text for a minimum of two weeks. During this period you should concentrate your mind on things concerning you.

If he doesn't contact you within the two weeks, wait another two weeks of not contacting him.

Why should you not contact him? By not contacting him, you are preparing your heart and mind to accept there might be a breakup, and to gain the strength to move on.

After one month of no contact, send him a text to thank him and wish him all the best. Let him know it was cruel to treat you this way by ghosting you instead of letting you know he doesn't want to continue in the relationship.

This is a case of ghosting - not responding to your texts and not calling you.

© 2016 Alianess Benny Njuguna


Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on July 14, 2020:

@Dariel, the best way to know whether you want to remove only the obsessive feelings or don't want to leave all your feelings behind is by taking some time off from the relationship. This means you should not communicate with your boyfriend for some days - 3-7 days will do. You should find a way of letting him know of your intention not communicate for a few days.

During this period, look at the relationship from a third point-of-view. Is that person (you) totally obsessed to her (your) boyfriend or does she (you) have normal (romantic) feelings for him? Why is she (you) obsessed with him? Is it because she's insecure, hates herself, feels her (you) boyfriend can complement her (you) in the areas she's (you're) weak at? What is the cause of her (your) obsession on him? These are the questions you should ask yourself during this period.

Knowing the cause will enable you to deal with it - end the relationship if it's all based on obsession or deal with the obsessive part if you do have feelings for him.

Whichever decision you undertake, you can consider the following by letting your mind and heart know so that you can deal with your infatuation:

1. There are no perfect people in the world - everyone has a weakness. Since he is not a 'God' to you, you should stop looking at him as if he somebody who has surpassed human's limitations and weaknesses.

2. Start looking at yourself in a new light. Love yourself. Appreciate yourself. It doesn't mean you become proud or so. It means taking care of yourself - psychologically/mentally, physically, socially and spiritually.

3. Engage in activities that will make you happy, will enable you to appreciate yourself and life. Make use of your hobbies and talent(s). They will enable you to develop a love for things and people, and ultimately reduce the obsession you've for your boyfriend.

4. When alone in your bed, in your room or far away from him; stop thinking about him. While you can think about him, you don't have to spend most of your time thinking about him. Watch a movie, read a novel or book, listen to songs (reduce the length of time you spend listening to romantic songs), chat with your friends or loved ones about important things (not love). Don't watch romantic operas or films or read romantic novels or magazines.

What you want to accomplish is not feeding your mind and heart with thoughts about your friend. Your mind and heart have to learn there are limits in thinking of someone in love.

Dariel on July 12, 2020:

How can I get over infatuation if I don't want to leave behind my feelings on this person? I know it's a problem, but I don't really know if I want to remove all the feelings or just the obsessive part.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on September 11, 2019:

That's the sad fact about love or being in a relationship with another person.

As you had indicated, moving on is the right decision to undertake. You have to let her go and move on with your life.

In time, she will no longer form the central place in your heart. Someonr else will mean a lot to you. But, engage in another relationship when you have healed and have moved on.

Richter Amukumbi on September 11, 2019:

All the responses are adorable and have given me an insight that am not alone. loved a lady for three years, adoring her and even taking care of her....she looks at it as nothing and breaks up with me. I will move on although I still love her. I have to let her go.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 28, 2019:

Hi Amanda,

You have to stop thinking about your ex. You have to be disciplined that whenever you think about your ex, you have to force yourself to stop thinking about your ex. Always remind yourself your ex is no longer with you, he is no longer in your life.

Ask yourself why you should take sleeping pills and drink wine just to feel better, when in essence they're affecting you negatively. Why depend on them when you can do without them. When you want to drink wine or take the pills, stop. Be determined that you won't take it. Tell yourself you won't take it because they're having negative effect on you.

When you can control or bring into control your emotions that's when you'll stop taking the pills or getting drunk.

During the night listen to soothing songs not related with love - encouraging and inspirational songs.

If you have a close friend, tell her to always remind you at night that you need to live and take care of yourself. She should also remind you that you can sleep by yourself without relying on the addictive substances.

Like I stated above, you have to control your emotions. You can do this by blocking him from your social media accounts, deleting his numbers and tearing off his photos. Stop listening to love songs. Control your anger and hatred towards him. Tell yourself you don't need to be angry at him or hate him. It won't help you positively. When your heart longs for him, tell yourself he's no longer in your life thus you don't need to long after him.

Tell yourself you need to move on. Have your friend monitor you in terms of taking the pills and wanting to get drunk.

Tell yourself you deserve a life of your own thus you won't starve yourself to death because of the breakup. The breakup happened thus you need to move on. Control of your emotions and the determination to move on will help you to get over your ex and recover from the breakup.

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on May 28, 2019:

Hi Yashu,

I took long to reply to your comment. It's because it was detected as spam thus I wasn't able to notice it clearly. I have changed its status.

Thank you for your comment and also for sharing. I will keep on posting such helpful posts. Thanks for the encouragement and motivation.

Amanda on May 28, 2019:

I can't cope with the pain of my break up. Can't eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can't sleep without sleeping pills or wine. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 16, 2019:

You have to ask yourself why you love your current boyfriend. What is it in your boyfriend that will make you want to stay with him than returning back to your ex?

It's normal to still hold some feelings or a part of your heart still longing for your ex. But, ask yourself even if your ex has changed are you sure it won't lead to another breakup? Would your current boyfriend accept you back into his arms after dumping him?

If you do love your current boyfriend, and you need to have justifiable reasons why you love him, and want to get married to him then you need to do something that you should have done but somehow found it hard. You need to cease any communication with your ex.

The reason you still have feelings for your ex is because you're still communicating with him. You should tell him it's over between the two of you. You can't go back. You have moved on with your life and the evidence is you're in a relationship with another man.

The most important thing I will stress is you need to have justifiable reason why you love your current boyfriend. If you love him because he is good then it won't stand the test of time. If you had a daughter with your current boyfriend after getting married and she asks you why you decided to fall in love with daddy till you got married; what would be your reason(s)? That reason(s) will help you get over your ex. As per now you haven't yet moved on because you're still communicating with your ex.

You need to move on and that means forgetting your ex. You have to tell him you can't let go of your current boyfriend thus you can't continue any conversation with him unless it's very necessary.

If your feelings for your ex are greater than for your current boyfriend, the relationship won't last. It will breakup. If you're happy in the relationship you're in, tell yourself a million times why you would want continue in the current relationship.

Yes, he has changed (maybe). But it should be for his own benefit since you're in another relationship.

Concluding, you should have solid reasons why you are happy to be in the current relationship and why you will never get back to your ex even if he has changed.

Jay on March 16, 2019:

I am in a relationship but I still love my ex and even tho he has bring me nothing but pain and hurt I dnt want to be with him even tho he say he has change. I dnt want to leave my current relationship but I feeling empty even tho he makes me happy, and he is a better guy than my ex!! I think I need help to figure out my feelings. What if he propose and am still struggling with these feelings? Please help

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on March 15, 2019:

It does look she is being influenced by somebody, in this case as you've mentioned, her best friend.

From what you've described, she doesn't really know what a relationship is all about. She has some misconception of what constitutes relationship, she isn't ready and she's confused.

What does that mean? If you enter into a relationship with her right now, it will sure lead to a breakup.

You'll have to give her space and time. You too need it. It will assist you in reflecting about her and the relationship in general, and will initiate the healing process.

It's a hard decision to let her go. But you have unless you're sure she knows what she's getting into when she engages in the relationship.

Aditya on March 15, 2019:

We were in a relationship for only 1 month ...I am totally into her ..after 1 month she is suddenly saying that she wants to know me more ...and don't want to be in a relationship now ..she wants to live alone ...she thinks that if we get into relationship then her life will be controlled by me and I also think that she is influenced by her best (male) friend

Simon on January 29, 2019:

I've got a lot of help from putting myself first and stop focusing on my ex. If you're dealing with heartbreak right now, I can recommend you to check out breakupreceovery.com, it helped me a lot going through my breakup!

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on January 09, 2019:

Delete his phone numbers, tear into pieces or burn his photos, block him on your social media accounts. Do not contact him in any way. If you cannot avoid seeing each other because you work in the same office, just greetings; nothing more.

Will your heart and mind to stop thinking about him. Concentrate on yourself. Do what you like doing, read books, watch movies, listen to encouraging and inspiring songs, read motivational books, work on your talents, be close to your friends and loved one. Be disciplined you will not think about you. When you do so tell yourself you have to stop thinking about him.

Forgive your ex if he was the cause or yourself and ask for forgiveness from your ex if you were the cause. Stop wishing and be determined to move on.

Lastly, thank your ex for the time you were together and wish him all the best. The text is better than calling.

Maahi on January 08, 2019:

How can i move on after break up?

Yashu on December 16, 2018:

hi, Alianess Benny Njuguna lovely post i would like to share this because its very helpful for me keep it up & please don't stop posting.thanks for share such kind of nice information with us

Anonymous on December 03, 2018:

You lost me when I saw the "HE broke it into pieces".

Mant on September 17, 2018:

Hey! Samantha, i too just broke up. With my gf i feel so damn low like i just want to time travel and make it so that i never would have dated her, the pain doesn't go away (i hope it goes away) i am in the same class as her so its damn hard to not think about her each day feels like i m drowning in cold water its just too hard. We broke up and got back together several times i know we wouldn't happy but i can't aceppt my life without her today i went to talk to her just to be ignored Samantha i hope you will recover from this breakup and don't think about getting back it will only bring you more suffering

Alianess Benny Njuguna (author) from Kenya on August 14, 2018:

Hi Samantha. I understand how you feel. During the first days after the breakup you'll feel every pinch of pain. However, as was in my case and countless others, you can get out of breakup in one piece - heal and recover.

Now is not the time to think about your ex or the possibility of getting back. Whether you'll get back together or not shouldn't be your priority now. What matters now is to gain the strength to get through the breakup.

First, it will be good to confide to somebody you trust. This will assist you in loosening the baggage of pain you feel. Again, your friend or that someone you trust will act as a reminder you can get through.

Next, if you've any photos of your ex it'll be a good idea to tear them into pieces or lock them somewhere you'll not remember them. You can ask someone to keep them for you. Block him from you social accounts such as FB and Whatsapp. Don't unfriend because you might be tempted to friend them. This will help you from wanting to see his photos, his updated status and the need to contact him. Delete his numbers so as to avoid the temptation of contacting him.

As you've indicated, it will be a good idea to stop taking the sleeping pills. Although it will be hard to get sleep, there are various activities you can engage in to get the sleep that is much needed. Watch a movie, listen to songs (not love songs), chat with your friends and/or family members, read a novel, engage in writing activities e.g. participating in writing contests or if you have a pet, find time to play with it or spend some time with it.

Don't stay indoor for a long time (even if you're an introvert). Visit places, your friends, spend time in the public library. Avoid visiting spots you know your ex likes going to. No accidental bumps. You should try as much as possible not to see each other face-to-face. In case you work in the same company or study in the same school/college/university or live in a small neighborhood, you can greet each other but no more.

The Internet is full of success stories of individuals who healed and recovered from a breakup. Read those stories. They will strengthen and help you to resolve to get out of the breakup in one piece. There are online groups such as FB groups that deal with issues of relationships. You can join one of them. You will learn much and make friends who will enable you to get over the breakup.

Remember, you will not get over the breakup in a short time depending on how much you invested in the relationship and the duration of the relationship. But, resolve you'll get over the breakup. Make up your mind the breakup won't break you down into pieces. You'll pick up the pieces and move on. Don't think about getting back together or think about the failed relationship. Stop entertaining any image of your ex in your mind. When it happens, engage in an activity to distract you from it.

About the sleeping pills, flash them into the toilet. Don't take any.

You might be interested to read my other two articles which I hope will help you feel better and sleep better: The Benefits of No Contact Rule and why you should forgive your ex.

I know you'll get out of the breakup in one piece because you've resolved to do so. Best wishes.

Samantha on August 14, 2018:

I can't cope with the pain of my break up. Can't eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can't sleep without the sleeping pills. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

dashingscorpio from Chicago on November 06, 2016:

It's also good to spend time with your friends and family.

Not only can they be supportive but they can help you put things in perspective. Almost everyone has been rejected or dumped.

"A bend in the road is not the end of the road unless you fail to make the turn. Thankfully there are over 7 Billion other people on the planet.

Every ending is a new beginning!

One other thing to keep in mind....

In order for your (ex) to have been "the one" she would have had to see (you) as being "the one". At the very least a "soul-mate" is someone who actually WANTS to be with you! (And vice versa).

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

- Oscar Wilde

If someone dumps you they clearly don't think you're special.

Your future lies ahead of you and not behind of you.

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