Getting in Touch With What's Missing in Your Relationship
If you’re in a committed relationship or already married, and you love your partner but you feel that something might be missing, I’ll help you discover how you can get in touch with the positive attributes of what you already have—and what you think is missing.
I'll ask you some revealing questions and include my thoughts on each one. Get in touch with your feelings by answering the questions yourself, especially the ones that trigger a strong emotional response.
What Gets in the Way?
I can think of three things that get in the way of a happy relationship:
- Your spirit is broken.
- You become frustrated.
- Your expectations are shattered.
We sometimes overlook some of the things that are most important, leaving us frustrated with a broken spirit, especially when our expectations are shattered.
Let’s try to discover what we’re overlooking. It just might enlighten you to the positive things you already have with your partner. The exercise that follows should help you get your spirit back as you begin to recognize the future you have been expecting to have with your partner.
Comparing You and Your Partner
Do you share the same values about life?
Being in a relationship, you both should be on the same page as far as your values are concerned. Do you know how your partner feels about being kind to others, about preserving the environment, about treating animals well, about appreciating friends? Do you find this is how you yourself feel?
Do you feel you work together as a team?
How do you both manage stress? Are you there for each other during hectic situations?
How about the way you both handle difficult matters? Do you shy away and let things go without resolving the issue, or do you work on it till it’s accomplished? Do you find that you both work as a team in these situations?
Are you both compatible with everyday life situations?
Do you both share the same ideas of where to live—small town or big city?
Do you have similar social desires, such as getting together with friends or having parties? How about the need for alone time? Do you have compatible requirements with that too?
Compatibility also includes things such as eating habits, music interests, and travel choices. Do you share the same desires? Does it matter? Maybe it doesn’t, and that’s a valid choice too.
Do you both have similar plans for the future?
Where do you both see yourself in 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years? This is important to know or else you may drift apart in the future. Better to know this now so you can decide what’s important and what’s not. Be honest about deal breakers. Sometimes they can be worked out with compromise.
Are you intellectually compatible?
Some men seek beauty before brains. Some women seek strength before appearance. If intelligence is important then nothing is going to compensate for the lack of it, in my opinion. It will become an issue over time, in the way you both think, in the way you relate, and in the way you see the world.
The good news is that it doesn’t necessarily have to stand in the way. If all other aspects of the relationship are healthy, and compatibility is confirmed, as you will determine from all the other questions in this article, then differences such as this could become unimportant.
How Comfortable Do You Feel?
Do you find it difficult to communicate with one another about personal issues?
When things don’t go the way we would want, some people back off rather than confront the situation by talking about it. That stifles a relationship. It’s important to keep the intimacy alive by sharing feelings, discussing what’s bothering you, and asking for input from your partner about their thoughts and feelings.
If you find that difficult, consider the following two questions.
Have you learned that you can depend on your partner to respect your feelings?
If you haven’t gotten to the point where you can expect your partner to respect your feelings, this can stand in the way of emotional intimacy. Try to get past that. Work on it by talking about it. It’s important. If you don’t get that respect, and give it too, then the relationship may be doomed to failure.
Mutual respect is an important factor in feeling wanted and desired. I like to think of it as a team. The two of you are in a mutually beneficial team.
Do you feel relaxed? Can you be yourself?
If the answer is “no” then you need to understand why this is the case. Is it coming from how you were treated when you were growing up, or from the way your partner is treating you now?
If you can’t be yourself because your partner doesn’t accept your behavior, or the nuances of your lifestyle, then a deep heart-to-heart talk is necessary. Don’t let this go without discussing it. It will only eat at your self-esteem and get worse over time.
Do You Know What You Want?
What do you want with your relationship?
If you find it easier selecting a career or the location where they wish to live, than you do with deciding what you want in a relationship, then you may need to change your focus.
We tend to ignore many things when it comes to selecting friends or working with business acquaintances. We never consider some of the important issues that can make or break a relationship. Maybe it’s time to think about it.
What do you admire most about your partner?
If you find yourself losing the desire to continue your relationship, try giving some thought to what you might be overlooking about what your partner already offers.
Think about what you admire. Give your partner some recognition for it. Show that you’re aware of it. The communication might have a powerful affect on how you feel.
What have you found that you both enjoy doing together?
Try not to lose sight of the wonderful times you share. Bring it up for discussion and make a mutual decision to repeat those events you both cherish doing together. Don’t let the few good things go unnoticed. Identify. Acknowledge. Repeat.
Do you both have a particular personal heaven where you feel comfortable?
Some people call it a Man Cave. Women have one too; they call it their Lady Cave. It’s a room set aside just for their own use and enjoyment.
I personally don’t know anyone who goes as far as to separate their domains in such a way, but people do. I guess as long as it’s accepted and appreciated by both, then it’s okay.
Do You Think About the Future?
Did your life change for the better after you got involved?
Are you focusing more on what you feel is missing than on how your life changed?
It’s normal to remember the bad times more than the good times. It’s the same as how people complain about bad customer relations with a company, but never show appreciation for good treatment.
That seems to be the way humans behave, but try to overcome that with your relationship. Try to recall the changes your partner brought into your life that had a positive effect. Then acknowledge it and show appreciation for it.
Can you see definite reasons for a great future together?
Taking into account what you now realize, how do you visualize your relationship going forward?
Do you have a stronger feeling for the companionship you share?
Repeating a question I asked you earlier in this article, where do you see yourself with this relationship in 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years? Is the answer any different now after doing the exercise of answering the questions I posed for you? Do you see a great future together?
Whatever your dream is of the perfect mate, you need to be realistic about the type of person with whom you are compatible.
Once you have worked on these questions and you had honestly answered them, you may realize that you already have everything you’ve ever wanted.
Did This Help?
Did you discover that you actually do have what you always wanted?
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2018 Glenn Stok