How to Change Your Perception of an Imperfect Relationship

Updated on June 17, 2019
Glenn Stok profile image

Glenn Stok shares his insight about relationships that he learned from his studies of social behavior and from personal experience.

Do you have disappointments in your relationship that stand in the way of recognizing if it has the potential for lifelong happiness?

Your attention might be on issues that make you feel the relationship is hopeless. The contrary might be so, but the negative issues tend to overwhelm you and leave little room for awareness of the good things.

To overcome the feelings of displeasure and frustration, appreciation of the positive things you experience with your partner is necessary.

In each of the following sections, I’ll review various ideas that can help change your perception by concentrating on existing positive features of your relationship. The result could lead to a rewarding experience with a happy and robust partnership.

Source

Do You See Growth Potential?

The future can be pleasant and rewarding, but you need to be sure that your relationship is going in the right direction. If it’s stagnant with no plans for a lifetime together, something is wrong. In most cases, it’s due to miscommunication—or lack of communication altogether.

Putting the disappointments aside, can you say that you have good experiences with your partner? Can you agree with any of the following statements about your relationship?

  1. It could result in a lifetime of happiness.
  2. It could become a rewarding experience.
  3. Your relationship with your partner usually does meet your needs.
  4. Your rapport with your partner is generally warm and comfortable.

If you feel these four statements are true, then your relationship is not one to dismiss so readily. Good relationships with a wonderful partner are hard to come by as it is. It may be possible to look beyond the feelings of disappointment by focusing on the positive. Consider the future together. Think it through in your mind. Do you see growth potential?

A healthy relationship that continues to grow requires emotional intimacy to be successful. You’ll want to achieve a closeness that allows insightful communication, an understanding of expectations, appreciation for different preferences and priorities, and a willingness to find common ground. Let’s examine each of these ideas in more detail.

Communicate with Your Partner

If something is bothering you, don’t hold it in. Discuss it with your partner. He or she may not have been aware that they are doing something that you find troubling.

You only run into trouble if your partner does not wish to listen or discuss the issue. If you find yourself in an argument, try to determine if you are not explaining yourself well, or if your partner is a non-listener.

The latter is difficult to overcome, but there are methods of getting through. It has to do with expressing your feelings in a way that they can relate. Give examples of how they might feel if it were the other way around. That will help.

Make productive statements, not condescending remarks. Focus on solving a problem rather than trying to win an argument. Sometimes you may have to compromise.

You need to both be on equal ground and discuss things with fairness and a good understanding of where the other is coming from with their feelings. Remember that you are in this together as a team.

Get in Touch with the Right Expectations

When we have too many expectations, we may be disappointed if things don’t turn out the way we had hoped. We might envision way too much more than our partner can offer.

Start by thinking about what you want from the relationship. Was it based on things you already saw possible? If not, was it based on dreams you’ve had all your life­—of a future you wanted to have?

The next step is to come to terms with reality. Try to adjust your thinking to the way things are and not about the way you thought it ought to be. That might be difficult to do. You might even be saying I’m asking for too much from you, but this is the reality of the life we have. Go with the flow. You may never have it so good again.

Once you have your mind focused on what you have, you may find yourself appreciating it more often.

Be Mindful of Your Partner’s Needs

You have your own needs, and it’s okay to expect your partner to appreciate what they are. However, never forget that your partner has needs too. For example, your partner may prefer doing things together a lot while you feel the need for “alone time” more often.

You can’t always have it your way. When you detect that there are different preferences with needs not being met, work on an acceptable compromise.1

Go back to the section on communicating with your partner. The concepts I explained are important. Put it to good use. I know from my one experience with failed relationships that the culprit was always a failure to communicate. That means being mindful of your partner’s needs. (Of course, you should expect the same in return.)

Find Some Common Ground

I think that everything that happens in a relationship is valuable for growth. Even though differences can sometimes cause problems in a relationship, it can actually enhance it too. Those differences can be the ingredients for growth since one’s partner can introduce new viewpoints to consider.

Each of you may have different priorities and values. In that case, you need to address some common ground.

It’s vital to recognize your partner’s reaction while having this discussion in order to find a mutual understanding. Body language is useful in this case since smiles or frowns can indicate more than words will ever say.2

  • Discuss differences.
  • Examine conflicting opinions.
  • Share your fears.

That can be the most crucial communication you may ever have with your partner.

Consider the Power of Two

Learning from one another and teaching each other new ideas can be gratifying and even pleasurable. Sharing different ways of looking at things and considering one another’s views of life can enhance awareness. Think of it as the power of two.

A relationship creates a new identity. In addition to the characteristics of each partner, their relationship has its character based on the combination of the two individual personalities.

Make a Mutual Plan for Rebuilding Together

Joining forces to work on a mutual plan to rebuild a failing relationship with excellent communication and fairness can reinforce trust and mutual respect. These are elements of a healthy relationship.3

When partners work on a common goal of rebuilding together, they feel more attached to one another as a team. They each learn how dependable their partner is while working on improving their relationship.

The act of sharing mutual interests will also give them something to focus on rather than having issues with negative concerns. Making a plan they both work on together can be a game changer.

Final Thoughts

Disappointments are a normal part of life. We can’t expect every day to be enjoyable. Nevertheless, it’s nice to know we have a partner who is on our side, someone who is there for us in our time of need, and someone interested in our happiness and takes pride in being in the relationship as a team player.

To be a team player in a relationship, you need to share and appreciate one another’s priorities, values, and goals. These may change over time, but being conscious of it and discussing these things is the key to an everlasting relationship.

I believe the thing that draws two people together is shared views of what they both want in life. Their values and their dreams are on the same wavelength. They have some understanding and agreement of what life is all about.

Isn't that what you want? Go make it happen!

References

  1. Ann Smith. (January 7, 2013). "I Want More From Our Relationship!" Psychology Today
  2. Darren Gergle (2013). "Using Visual Information for Grounding and Awareness in Collaborative Tasks". HCI Journal: 1–43.
  3. "Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships". University of Washington. (Accessed on Aug 14, 2018).

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

Questions & Answers

    © 2018 Glenn Stok

    Comments

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      • Natalie Frank profile image

        Natalie Frank 

        14 months ago from Chicago, IL

        De nada. Looking forward to the next article.

      • Glenn Stok profile imageAUTHOR

        Glenn Stok 

        14 months ago from Long Island, NY

        Thanks Natalie. Your comment about my article means a great deal, coming from one of authority on the subject, since you have a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. Your feedback is much appreciated.

      • Natalie Frank profile image

        Natalie Frank 

        14 months ago from Chicago, IL

        This is an extremely well written article, Glenn. You present the information in a straight forward, easy to understand manner. I think this is important since those with relationship problems often feel overwhelmed by other's advice, well meaning as it may be. Having someone provide suggestions in a down to earth way that isn't "preachy" can be enough to get them thinking about things in a different way which may get them on the road to a better relationship.

        That being said, I think that the things you mention in this article are useful for all of us to keep in mind for our own relationships whether or not we are having difficulties at this time or not.

      • Glenn Stok profile imageAUTHOR

        Glenn Stok 

        15 months ago from Long Island, NY

        Thanks for that comment Dora. For a successful relationship both partners need to appreciate the needs of the other. So true.

      • MsDora profile image

        Dora Weithers 

        15 months ago from The Caribbean

        Great counsel! Thanks for underscoring that too many expectations can lead to disappointment. We need to take into consideration all the other features you mentioned, including the fact that our partner has needs too.

      • Mark Tulin profile image

        Mark Tulin 

        15 months ago from Santa Barbara, California

        Helpful words of advice, Glenn.

      • Eurofile profile image

        Liz Westwood 

        15 months ago from UK

        When I read the title I wondered where this was going. But I have just read an excellent hub here, packed full of common sense, positive and helpful advice.

      • Glenn Stok profile imageAUTHOR

        Glenn Stok 

        15 months ago from Long Island, NY

        dashingscorpio - Your point is well taken. I wrote a prior article that is a discussion based on what you said. “When to Work On a Relationship and When to Leave“ — you can find it in my profile listing.

      • dashingscorpio profile image

        dashingscorpio 

        15 months ago

        Excellent advice!

        There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

        The choice is up to us. Choose wisely!

        "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

        - Oscar Wilde

      • Glenn Stok profile imageAUTHOR

        Glenn Stok 

        15 months ago from Long Island, NY

        Pam, That’s wonderful that you have a husband who understands all these important aspects of having a functioning relationship.

      • Pamela99 profile image

        Pamela Oglesby 

        15 months ago from Sunny Florida

        Glen, I think your article about relationships was spot on. Communication, common values and views seem to be the most important aspects as you described. I am fortunate to have a husband where all these aspects work, but I was in a relationship in the past that was nothing but problems. I appreciate having a partner that I can discuss anything with and always feel that acceptance. Excellent article.

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