When Your Girl Wants to Get Married and You Don't
Is It the End? Hmmm . . . Probably.
I got a question posted in the comments of something I wrote:
"I got a ques for ya.
my gf of 2 years is really pushing to get married. I think we're good like we are. I don't want to lose her but I don't think I want to get married yet. Or ever. I don't know. What should I do?"
The first time I read this, anon, I had only had 1 martini, and my advice was to try to reason with her.
Now that I've had 3 martinis, my advice is to break it off.
I get feistier with each martini.
OK, maybe that's a bit hasty. Let's look at this closely. First of all, someone you're with for 2 years, that you would even entertain the thought of marrying, deserves your honesty. You need to sit down with this chick and say it like you said it to me. You're happy with things the way they are. And you don't want to lose her. But you don't want to get married right now, and you aren't sure if that feeling is ever going to change.
She should be someone that appreciates your honesty, candor, and willingness to have a conversation about this. She should hear you. She should respect that you have the right to feel the way you do, and she should appreciate you for who you are, not who she wants to change you into being.
On the flipside, you need to listen to her. Ask her why she wants to take this next step, and why she's pressuring you. She may just feel insecure. She may be better after you tell her you don't want to lose her.
Talk about this. Talk this through. Maybe some patience and reassurance is all either of you needs right now. A good open dialogue does wonders for the soul, and there is nothing wrong with taking a month, or 6, or a year, to be sure about what you both really want.
Anon, dear, there is a damn good chance she just has it in her mind that she is getting married. Period. No matter how good your relationship is, she may be perfectly willing to throw it away because she wants to get married. She may want children the old fashioned way. She may be under pressure from family. She may want a wedding more than a marriage. She may be fiercely dependant and afraid to be alone. It doesn't really matter whether or not you think they are good reasons, or piss-poor reasons; they are her reasons, not yours.
I don't think there is anything wrong with someone wanting to get married. I really don't. But I also see nothing wrong with not wanting to get married. What I see as wrong, is not respecting your needs as well as respecting the needs of your partner. It's wrong when two people can't accept that they each want different things in life. She really can't expect to be able to pressure you into taking a huge life altering step that you don't want to take. But guess what, Skippy. It works both ways. The same goes for you. You can't expect her to give up on a huge life changing step that she wants to take.
I know the marriage step is a source of many couple's demise. I've read that men marry at the right time and will make any woman the right woman when the time comes. Women marry the right guy, and will make any time the right time when the right guy comes. When a woman meets the right guy, and the guy is at the right time, the angels sing and all is right in the world.
I'm not sure I believe that completely, but I see the validity in the thought. At the very least, I see that you may not be at the right time in your life for marriage. If you take this huge step because of pressure, or to not lose her, or for any reason other than that you actually want to, then you're a fool that will regret it. I'm sorry, buddy, but that's my three martini answer.
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© 2007 Veronica