The Top 5 Reasons You Can't Find a Man (That Your Friends Are Too Afraid to Tell You)

Updated on April 20, 2018
Amanda Holter profile image

Amanda is a sexpert and love guru located in Las Vegas, NV. She has been in more relationships than she can count.

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Why Are You Still Single?

You've been in a million failed relationships and you just can't figure out why nothing is working. Your friends love you but sometimes it's hard to spit the truth, especially when it comes to the flaws that are dragging you down in your romantic life. I've been through it all and I'll tell you how to figure out what exactly is going on that's preventing you from getting a man. It's time to do some self-examination to find out if one (or more) of the following common causes of chronic singleness can explain your predicament:

  1. You have poor self-esteem.
  2. You're emotionally unavailable.
  3. You're a drama queen.
  4. You're looking for love in all the wrong places.
  5. Your expectations are too high.

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1. You Have Low Self-Esteem

Do you think you're not good enough for anyone? Are you concerned that you'll disappoint someone if you were to be in a relationship with them?

When you have poor self-esteem, you don’t have self-love. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you? Others can sense your low level of self-worth and it makes you less attractive as both a friend and a potential companion.

I've been in lots of potential relationship situations that I ruined simply because I didn't think I was quite good enough.

Low self-esteem also opens the door to a myriad of problems in your personal, professional, and romantic lives. You're more likely to have social anxiety and perceive others as being overly critical—obviously, your friends won't want to point out this flaw!

The fix:

Work on improving your self-esteem. Make a list of things you like about yourself and things you don’t like. Is the list of things you don’t like longer? Then make some improvements.

Don’t like your body? Get a gym membership and start a diet plan. I've recovered from many rejections by working on improving myself. It increases your self-esteem and makes you more attractive to potential mates. Don’t like your job? Work on your resume and reach out to friends and family about potential job openings. I've found that being happy makes me stand out to others and gives me a certain sparkle that draws men to me.

Yes, it’s easier said than done. But don’t you owe it to your future man (and more importantly, to yourself) to be the best “you” you can be?

Connect with the people who love you. Obviously, your friends don't want to tell you that you're single because of your self-esteem issues, but nobody wants you to be down on yourself, either. Learn to be assertive and figure out what you want, and most importantly, take care of yourself.

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2. You're Emotionally Unavailable

This one is major. Many women and men don’t know that they’re emotionally unavailable because they so strongly desire to be loved and cared for. Just because you want a relationship doesn’t mean you’re mentally and emotionally prepared to be in one. You keep a wall up between you and the men who try to worm their way into your heart.

You’re afraid to open up because you’re afraid of getting hurt. You’re attracted to men who are also emotionally unavailable: they’re in a relationship, they won’t open up to you, or they’re just plain uninterested.

Many of the men I've been with have been in relationship simultaneously and while it hurts me to realize the pattern I've fallen into so frequently, I have since realized that it's my own emotional unavailability that's preventing me from seeking out a stable and available partner.

The fix:

Confront your fears. What is it you’re afraid of—getting hurt? Too bad, it’s going to happen. Fear of intimacy is a common reason people stay single. You need to recognize and address your issues in order to gain the perspective and self-understanding that's essential to developing a meaningful relationship. Look deep inside yourself and work on figuring out what’s causing you to distance yourself from others. This is something I'm still working on—but I am working on it, and that's what matters.

Make a commitment to yourself to work on opening up to people. It's your responsibility to make an effort at connecting with those around you, despite any pain and trauma you may have experienced in the past. Be honest with yourself and others.

You need to recognize and address your issues in order to gain the perspective and self-understanding that's essential to developing a meaningful relationship.

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3. You're a Drama Queen

You started to get involved with a cute guy but then ruined everything by sending him a flurry of jealous text messages when you saw him talking to some other girl. You constantly seek to identify problems where there are none. You don’t exactly shy away from problems or conflict because, well, they make life more interesting, right? You might be a drama queen.

Men may like strong, feisty women, but once they realize you’re a drama queen, they’re out the door. Jealousy gets old quickly, and so does constant arguing. Putting down other women also makes you look insecure, which is a major turn-off.

The fix:

Turn it down a notch. Life isn’t a TV show and men shouldn’t be treated like disposable extras on one. Most men prefer to be with a partner who’s drama-free.

The most important thing you can do is to recognize when you’re creating drama. Once you realize you’re the source of the issue, you can work on fixing it. Try to relax and not overreact to minor inconveniences. It’ll make your life easier, and it’ll certainly make it easier for you to find a man.

Turn it down a notch. Life isn’t a TV show and men shouldn’t be treated like disposable extras on one.

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4. You're Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Maybe you’re wondering why none of your Tinder dates are working out. Or, maybe that drunk guy you met at the bar never texted you, even though you could’ve sworn he was super into you when he asked for your number the other night.

Looking for love in all the wrong places can also mean, well, you sleep around a lot. Often, people use sexual promiscuity as a crutch that substitutes parental love and affection. So, how does one overcome these issues?

The fix:

“Looking for love” at all is never really advisable. Love is what happens when you’re calculating plans for your best life and happen to meet someone who fits into that equation perfectly. Are you interested in going back to college to finish up that degree? You never know who might be in your chemistry class. Thinking about transferring to a different job in a new city? The love of your life could be there, waiting for you. Sporting events, church, or the gym are other fun places to meet people you might have something in common with.

I've had plenty of one night stands and most of them are fun and worthwhile. However, on occasion, I've been hurt by the notion that someone wasn't interested in a follow-up relationship or even a phone call.

One night stands might be fun, but they are exceedingly difficult to build meaningful relationships from. If you want a boyfriend, you'll have to get serious about finding one and stop looking in the wrong places.

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What about this “Mr. Right” draws you to the notion of him? Identifying your expectations versus your needs is important.

5. Your Expectations Are Too High

Do you have a long list of deal-breakers? Perhaps you've been in relationships before but they just never felt good enough. They've never really lasted very long because there was a certain way you imagined the relationship going in your mind and, well, it just didn't go that way.

We all have a “dream guy”. Maybe he’s tall, handsome, rich, sensitive, funny, smart, with hazel eyes, wavy chestnut hair, and is currently the world’s leading pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon. Years of being single have resulted in your mind constructing a single, perfect image of “the guy” for you, and now you won’t settle for anything less. And why should you?

I’ll tell you why. Because that man does not exist. Yes, he is a figment of your imagination. He is a fictional character crafted by your own lonely mind in an attempt to make excuses for why you haven’t yet found a man. Because you’re waiting for him.

The fix:

You could wait around forever for Mr. Right to show up. Or you could take a more realistic look at your expectations and relationship goals. What about this “Mr. Right” draws you to the notion of him? Identifying your expectations versus your needs is important.

Sometimes, it's not about expecting the perfect guy. Sometimes, it's just about expecting too much from a normal guy. There have been countless times that I was disappointed by a member of the opposite sex, even though I had never made my expectations clear.

Ultimately, you are responsible for your own happiness. Expecting someone else to ensure your happiness and contentment puts undue stress on any relationship. You need to take charge of your own life and be able to formulate and voice your (reasonable) expectations of others.

Let's Summarize!

The Problem
The Solution
Low self-esteem
Make improvements; focus on self-love and fixing things you dislike about yourself
Emotionally unavailable
Confront your fears; work on opening yourself up to others
Drama queen
Recognize when you're creating drama; don't overreact to minor inconveniences
Looking in the wrong places
Focus on yourself and love will follow; go to the places you love to find people you can love
High expectations
Identify expectations vs. needs; take responsibility for your own happiness

If any of these issues sound like symptoms of your lack-of-man-itis, then you might want to take a step back and re-examine yourself. Most chronically single women suffer from not one, but multiple of the above-referenced issues. In many ways, they are interconnected. The most important thing is to remember self-reflection and self-love. Happiness is the key to any successful relationship. Best of luck to all the single ladies out there!

Which of these issues do you think most affects your ability to get a man?

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