Gregg Michaelsen, life and dating coach, and multiple #1 best-selling author talks directly with his readers. Understand men and find love!
Should I move in with my boyfriend?
When you’re looking for a great guy, you need to act like a saleswoman of sorts. It sounds crude but the truth is that you’re on a marketing campaign. You have a story to tell and he has a story to tell. You’re both telling the best version of your stories, hoping to increase interest.
Of course, the whole time you’re telling your great story, you’re also spoon-feeding him your baggage, usually in a way that doesn’t make you look like an alcoholic or a screaming meanie.
In a long distance relationship, couples can go quite some time without sharing this baggage. When you’re together, you’re so happy to see one another that your conversations rarely turn to the negative.
When this couple spends enough time together, they may start to feel as if they have each changed. The reality is they’re just now starting to learn about one another.
This is one great advertisement for moving in together. You are able to test the waters and see if you’re truly compatible.
When I tell women this, the response I get is, “But if I move in with him, he’ll get comfortable and won’t want to get married.” This is true if you move in with a man who was never marriage minded to begin with. That’s your mistake.
Couples move in together for all the wrong reasons:
- They’re young and want to save money
- Their parents are driving them crazy
- They believe that cohabitating will lead to love, kids and marriage
- They believe living together will solve their issues
Moving in together isn’t about getting married, you both should want that, it’s about finding out if this is the person that is right for you to marry. It’s like a trial period for the relationship.
At some point, you may realize that he isn’t marriage material. If that happens, move out and find yourself a man who does want the same things you want.
It’s better to live together now and uncover the roadblocks, than to discover these in five years with three kids, combined assets, and a dog.
How do you make sure you’re both on the same page before the move?
You talk about it! Not after the first date but after many dates. This is a conversation you have only when things are going great between you. This is a values and goals conversation and you need to make sure you both want the same things.
If you don't then you both just saved yourself a world of grief!
Don’t come to me and tell me you hoped he would come around after living with you. He probably won’t if marriage was never discussed to begin with.
You move in together so you can get to know one another, morning, afternoon and night. You go on vacations, work together through stressful times and enjoy the fun times!
Before you jump into this plan, talk it over. Decide how long you’re going to give it. Will you sign a 12-month lease and see where you are at that time? Is that the point at which you make a marriage decision? Be clear about your expectations.
If his expectations don’t align with yours, then don’t do it!
It’s important for you to keep the drama out of this conversation. Don’t try to manipulate him with tears and begging. You will be sad and miserable sooner than later. If he doesn’t want to move in together, it’s time to re-evaluate. Do you want to be with him badly enough to wait?
I can’t help you answer all of these questions. All I can do is give them to you so you think about this clearly. Be smart, don’t let your emotions rule your decision-making and have honest, heart-to-heart discussions.
Can this conversation go badly for you? Yes, of course. You could find out that he’s been stringing you along all this time, saying he wants what you want but not meaning it. Life is about taking chances. You have to decide which chances you’re willing to take and which you aren’t.
If you want to find true love, you’ll have to take those chances and see what happens.
Should I move in with my boyfriend?
Moving in together isn’t about getting married, you both should want that, it’s about finding out if this is the right person to marry. Think of it as a trial period for both of you. He or she might come to realize that this person is not marriage material. If that’s the case, then you move out and find the next marriage-oriented guy.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
© 2018 Gregg Michaelsen
Gregg Michaelsen (author) from Salem Ma on June 24, 2018:
I'm going to mosey over to your page and check out your many articles :)
Deborah Reno from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD on June 23, 2018:
Great article! I love how you describe the story telling we all endure and put out there. Well done.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on June 14, 2018:
Welcome to HP Gregg!
I made an exception and decided to follow you. :)
Sounds like we're on the same path. The tagline on my website is:
"Reviving Hearts With Awareness & Self-Empowerment."
Gregg Michaelsen (author) from Salem Ma on June 14, 2018:
Now that's a friggin' great comment, Dashing Scorpio! I might have to hire you :)
You nailed it on so many levels. I have a close friend who would not move in or have sex (intercourse) before getting married because of her religious beliefs. I get it. I'm not that person but I get it.
They got married and things, within the 1st month, went South! He was overbearing and jealous. He wanted his kids to move and go to the school of his choosing and he demanded separate sections inside the frig for "his family's food."
It took 3 months and they were separated and now divorced. Again, she was blinded by his "sales job" and didn't put him through my tests.
Even if he passed those tests, she could have avoided the marriage issues (she makes a lot more money than him) by living together before getting married.
Thank you for your comment - this is my 1st article so you made my day my friend!
dashingscorpio from Chicago on June 14, 2018:
"When this couple spends enough time together, they may start to feel as if they have each changed. The reality is they’re just now starting to learn about one another." (Yes and No)
During the "infatuation phase" both people are usually guilty of hiding their flaws in hope of avoiding scaring off the person they're attracted to. However once there is an "emotional investment" or "commitment" people tend to (relax) because they feel it's "safe" to reveal their "authentic side" without the fear you will walk out on them. Actually they may be of the mindset of not caring if they do!
It's enough to make you wonder:
Do we really save our best for the beginning?
It would almost be refreshingly honest if someone were to say the following right from the start:
“I hope you know in a year, 5 years, or 10 years from now I won’t be doing all these "nice things" for you! You can forget about wild passionate sex, I hate going to musicals, oral sex will be a thing of the past, and the only reason I went to the game, ballet, or shopping with you was because I thought you were hot! Once you’re mine I won’t feel the need to impress your ass!”
Truth is everyone plays a little "bait & switch" to win people over.
We treat "the new" better than "the tried and true". This goes for new cars, new homes, new jobs, and especially new relationships. "Dress to impress"/"Put your best foot forward"
As important as compatibility is for having a successful relationship it's actually our disagreements, boundaries, and "deal breakers" which reveal whether or not we'll be able to get along long-term.
“But if I move in with him, he’ll get comfortable and won’t want to get married.” This is true if you move in with a man who was never marriage minded to begin with." - AMEN!
According to statistics 52% of all weddings that take place in U.S. are between couples who have cohabitated. Having said that no one should see "moving in together" as a step towards marriage.
Most couples are not even engaged when they move in together. Generally speaking they reason: "Why are we paying rent on two places, paying two sets of utility bills, when you are always over here?" Truth is saving money never sounds stupid.
Given a choice between having a mate you have romance/sex with living with you or a "roommate" laying around the house farting and bringing his/her friends into your place, having discussions about privacy (Observe the sock on door knob!), separate groceries....etc
It's easy to understand why someone would rather share expenses with someone they're romantically involved with.
However as you pointed out if a guy believes a woman is "the one" and he wants to marry her most likely her living with him will not change that. Granted is possible that he may discover things about him that changes his mind. Nevertheless that's a "good thing". Breaking up is less draining than going through a divorce.
I know of no man who refused to marry a woman because he was too comfortable. There are 2 reasons why men don't propose.
1. Timing (Simply put marriage is not a top priority)
2. You are not "the one".
Very few men ever list marriage as a "goal". Most men believe they can get married just about anytime they want. Guys in their 20s are in no hurry to become their parents; As in married, signing a 30 year mortgage, dealing with crying children and so on. They see their 20s and sometimes early 30s as a time for establishing a career, partying, traveling, and getting laid.
A woman in her 20s who wants to get married would probably do better to date guys in their 30s who have never been married. They're more likely to be more established and ready to settle down. You also have the option of not moving in unless you have a ring on your finger and "save the date" notices have been mailed. Don't "move in" with a hidden agenda.