Should I Move in With My Boyfriend?
Should I move in with my boyfriend?
When you’re looking for a great guy, you need to act like a saleswoman of sorts. It sounds crude but the truth is that you’re on a marketing campaign. You have a story to tell and he has a story to tell. You’re both telling the best version of your stories, hoping to increase interest.
Of course, the whole time you’re telling your great story, you’re also spoon-feeding him your baggage, usually in a way that doesn’t make you look like an alcoholic or a screaming meanie.
In a long distance relationship, couples can go quite some time without sharing this baggage. When you’re together, you’re so happy to see one another that your conversations rarely turn to the negative.
When this couple spends enough time together, they may start to feel as if they have each changed. The reality is they’re just now starting to learn about one another.
This is one great advertisement for moving in together. You are able to test the waters and see if you’re truly compatible.
When I tell women this, the response I get is, “But if I move in with him, he’ll get comfortable and won’t want to get married.” This is true if you move in with a man who was never marriage minded to begin with. That’s your mistake.
Couples move in together for all the wrong reasons:
- They’re young and want to save money
- Their parents are driving them crazy
- They believe that cohabitating will lead to love, kids and marriage
- They believe living together will solve their issues
Moving in together isn’t about getting married, you both should want that, it’s about finding out if this is the person that is right for you to marry. It’s like a trial period for the relationship.
At some point, you may realize that he isn’t marriage material. If that happens, move out and find yourself a man who does want the same things you want.
It’s better to live together now and uncover the roadblocks, than to discover these in five years with three kids, combined assets, and a dog.
How do you make sure you’re both on the same page before the move?
You talk about it! Not after the first date but after many dates. This is a conversation you have only when things are going great between you. This is a values and goals conversation and you need to make sure you both want the same things.
If you don't then you both just saved yourself a world of grief!
Don’t come to me and tell me you hoped he would come around after living with you. He probably won’t if marriage was never discussed to begin with.
You move in together so you can get to know one another, morning, afternoon and night. You go on vacations, work together through stressful times and enjoy the fun times!
Before you jump into this plan, talk it over. Decide how long you’re going to give it. Will you sign a 12-month lease and see where you are at that time? Is that the point at which you make a marriage decision? Be clear about your expectations.
If his expectations don’t align with yours, then don’t do it!
It’s important for you to keep the drama out of this conversation. Don’t try to manipulate him with tears and begging. You will be sad and miserable sooner than later. If he doesn’t want to move in together, it’s time to re-evaluate. Do you want to be with him badly enough to wait?
I can’t help you answer all of these questions. All I can do is give them to you so you think about this clearly. Be smart, don’t let your emotions rule your decision-making and have honest, heart-to-heart discussions.
Can this conversation go badly for you? Yes, of course. You could find out that he’s been stringing you along all this time, saying he wants what you want but not meaning it. Life is about taking chances. You have to decide which chances you’re willing to take and which you aren’t.
If you want to find true love, you’ll have to take those chances and see what happens.
Should I move in with my boyfriend?
Moving in together isn’t about getting married, you both should want that, it’s about finding out if this is the right person to marry. Think of it as a trial period for both of you. He or she might come to realize that this person is not marriage material. If that’s the case, then you move out and find the next marriage-oriented guy.
© 2018 Gregg Michaelsen