My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.
Is He Too Damaged for a Relationship?
We all have baggage from our past that we either hang onto (tightly) or actively work at letting go. If we can't, we remain broken.
When we hold onto the emotional baggage that stems from childhood, family stuff, or past relationships, we are keeping our lives in a state of struggle, potential failure, and emotional self-entrapment. Basically, we stay in a state of being emotionally broken.
There are many men who are emotionally broken because they deny the effects that a past situation(s) truly had on them. Thinking that having a tough exterior and the attitude that "brushing issues off"—like things don't bother them—is the right choice. While other men will choose to completely ignore their issues. Seriously?!
Why do so many men view working on themselves as a negative thing?
Therapy is shunned as a weakness. Self-help books are looked at as a waste of time. Meditation and yoga are something they can't be bothered with. Really?! Does he think not dealing with his issues and continuing to have failed relationships is a better way of handling things?
Everyone has issues. However, getting into a relationship knowing you are not emotionally ready—regardless of the lies you tell yourself—is extremely selfish . . .
Ladies, we all have heard the term "emotionally unavailable man." This is a guy who is emotionally broken and therefore does not have the emotional capacity to be in a relationship—regardless of how much he claims he wants one or how fabulous you are.
How is a man to honestly let you fully into his life, let alone his heart if he:
1. Is Insecure
Is he constantly worrying that he is not good enough? Although he might have been confident in getting you to date him, most likely, he was also filled with self-doubt that he hid from you.
Now that he has you, he worries all the time that you will leave or break up with him—keeping an emotional wall between you. For many men, insecurities are formed from a past relationship (or several) that ended abruptly or due to betrayal that left him broken-hearted with feelings of inadequacy.
2. Doesn't Love Himself
This guy will find more things that are wrong with himself than things that he likes (a lot of these negative thoughts he will keep in his head). A guy who lacks self-love will show this in how he treats himself. This guy will think that by putting everyone and everything before him—the ultimate self-sacrifice—people will love him—and in time, he will grow to love himself. Not true.
Half the time, his heroic act is only to fulfill his ego. His lack of self-love (and usually self-awareness) will make him believe that if his ego is filled this will make up for lack of self-love. He will show this by trying excessively—giving him the excuse to not focus on himself and all the areas he feels he lacks in—like having a successful, lasting relationship.
3. Doesn't Believe He Deserves Love
A man like this usually comes from a divorced family, was a single child, or didn't get enough attention as a child.
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This man might have hope for love, but he does not fully believe that someone will love him for him. Instead of being the best version of himself—which is why women become involved with him—he will instead self-sabotage the relationships. Causing the end of a relationship keeps his heart protected because there is no way (in his mind) he is good enough or deserving of love.
4. Has Little Faith in Himself
This guy might be really smart and even talented, but he lacks true belief in himself, which will hold him back from excelling to his greatest potential. This holding pattern is due to the negative words he fills his mind with. His lack of faith in himself will not only affect his life but also in his relationships. How can he believe that his relationship will be successful if he constantly doubts himself and you? He can't.
Often a guy like this will also lack in having any spiritual faith—believing that experiences are always happening to him versus for him, shutting out the opportunity to be with someone good.
5. Will Not Take Ownership for His Actions
This guy is not willing to learn from his past mistakes, therefore continually making those same mistakes in future relationships. He fears true success and therefore will rarely take ownership for things that he has done wrong. He is too busy blaming everyone and everything else for why he can not possibly get his act together and be in a happy, loving, successful relationship.
Also, this guy will not be open to hearing or taking in feedback. He will internalize everything, communicate nothing, and place himself in the victim role. He might apologize (a lot)—to pacify you—but will never view anything as truly being his fault. Yikes!
Some broken men encompass all of these qualities, and some just a few. Regardless, until those issues are no longer there or he is actively working on himself to keep them from impacting his life and yours, they will continue to arise.
Dating a man who is broken can be hard. Dating a man who is in denial of his issues that are clearly present can be exhausting...
I was in a relationship with a man who was very broken. At first, I was not aware of all his issues—which he had clearly not dealt with and was holding onto—because, like a lot of men, they lead with their best foot forward.
Months into our relationship little things would appear. He told me he had an amicable relationship with his ex-wife and had emotionally moved on; again, that was not true. He was still very invested in her—completely separate from co-parenting. And, if I brought her name up, he would get extremely defensive, sternly telling me that he did not want to talk about her. Ok?!
Further into our relationship, I found out that he was also not the communicator he led me to believe. In fact, he was the complete opposite. He would internalize everything and rarely—and I mean rarely—communicate anything that bothered or upset him—something he learned from his father. He was also very insecure; the only time he displayed true confidence was surprisingly in the bedroom.
Although my ex claimed that he loved me and wanted to be in a relationship, his actions showed the complete opposite . . .
There was no room in his heart, let alone his life, for me since he was not willing to work on himself and all his issues. Regardless of all the support I gave him, he would turn my support into something negative because he was not used to having someone support him. He also displayed distrust because his ex-wife cheated and left him for someone else—her actions, not mine. He had little faith in himself and, therefore, in us.
Broken men tend to be selfish men but will act like they don't know it . . .
The list of issues continued to overwhelm our relationship. Instead of being a grown man and dealing with his issues, he chose to let his issues (and multiple excuses) be the reasons for not stepping up. This destroyed our relationship.
Ladies, although relationships take work, the effort can not and should not solely come from you. We all have baggage; however, if a man is so broken that he is in denial or incapable of mending himself—by seeking the best method(s) to do so—then he will bring an emotional battle that will destroy your relationship.
Bottom line, you deserve to be with a man who strives to work on himself—because he loves himself enough to do so. You deserve a man who does not live in the pretense that everyone is at fault but him. You deserve a man who is secure with himself that he wants to shine with you, not hold himself back or you. And most importantly, you deserve a man who is available emotionally.
Do not let a man's inability to grow (or lose his past baggage) bring you down with his heavy load. Find a man who is less broken and more open to being the best man for himself . . . as well as for you.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.