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Is He There for You When You Need Him?

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.


He Wasn't There for Me When I Needed Him—What Should I Do?

There are many telltale signs that a guy is planning on being with you for the long run. One of the biggest—how does he react when there is a crisis in your life? Is he there for you when you need him, or is he MIA?

When a guy prefers (or chooses) to be MIA when you really need his emotional support, it is very clear that a long-term relationship is not in the cards for you. If he claims that he sees a future with you, but isn't there when you need him—you need to ask yourself, "Do I really want a guy who is that selfish?"

A guy that claims he cares for you needs to be there during the great and not-so-great times—anything less is unacceptable.

Why would you want to be with a guy that only wants to be with you during the good times? No matter how positive you are, no matter how hard you try to live your life in a good way—crap happens; it's part of life. If a guy cannot be there for you during the good and bad times, again, why would you want to be with him?

I've dated men who have been there to give me emotional support when I've needed it, as well as a few men who have not. I can tell you this; not having a guy there for me when I needed him was very hurtful—emphasizing that actions really do speak much louder than words. Regardless of how much a guy would tell me, over and over again, that he really liked me, the true test of those "feelings" was whether or not he was there when I needed him.

Sometimes, you need to go through trying times in your life in order to realize if a guy truly cares about you, or if he is blowing smoke up your ass. I understand that not everyone deals with tragedy or crisis well; however, there is a huge difference between being there—even to have a guy simply hold your hand and hug you, versus being too busy to make the time or physically being there, while completely checking out emotionally—unconcerned and unsympathetic.

The day I found out that my grandmother had cancer, it was devastating for me. Trying to wrap my head around the word "cancer" and then linking it to my grandmother, a person I love with my entire heart, seemed so surreal and unimaginable.

When I shared this information with a guy I had been dating for several months, he seemed very disinterested and frankly, rather tuned out. He was more interested in Facebook as he was scrolling on his phone, looking at posts while I was pouring my heart out. As I was opening up to him about my fears and concerns—in need of his emotional support, his reaction was, "Right, right; yeah, that sucks." Seriously?!

Who doesn't have the decency to at least give someone their full attention when a word as frightening as "cancer" comes up? He didn't. That was the day I realized that the end of our relationship was happening right in front of my eyes. This was not the type of man I could see myself with for the long haul. Once that vision was clear to me, there was no point in continuing the relationship.

As I expressed how rude he was being and that I couldn't believe that looking at Facebook was more important than what I was sharing, it dawned on me that if he really saw this relationship going to the next level in any capacity, he would have been there for me emotionally, as well as physically.

If a guy tunes out when you need him the most, it's usually because he was not fully tuned in to the relationship, to begin with. I'm not saying that tuning out will never happen, but it should not occur when you are clearly upset. If he truly cares and realizes that he has been tuning out on you during a time of emotional pain, he will quickly dial back in, doing everything in his power to be there for you.

Life is never going to be joyful all the time. There are bound to be a few emotional roller-coasters along the way, which will test any relationship, making it stronger or possibly tearing it apart. In my situation, it tore us apart. Luckily, not all men are like that, and I have met many that are the complete opposite . . . one guy, in particular, has definitely outshined the others.

A guy who can realize that something is wrong by the tone of your voice and shows concern is a guy worth keeping.

Not that long ago, I had an unexpected personal crisis that suddenly entered my life while I was on the phone with the guy that I am currently dating. Just hearing a difference in my voice, he could tell that something was wrong with me. Since our relationship at that point was fairly new, I was hesitant in wanting to share what had happened. I feared scaring him off, so I quickly got off the phone with him and called my best friend for advice and comfort.

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I learned that the right guy doesn't get scared or turn off easily. The guy I'm dating was more in-tune with my emotions than I had realized. By the time we spoke again, he made me feel comfortable, safe, and supported. I was able to share with him what was going on, without any fear of his reaction. His genuine concern made me feel cared for—and it didn't stop there. Before I knew it, he was on his way to my place—being there by my side, when I needed someone the most.

The expectation of having a guy there for you when you need him will obviously vary depending on how long you have dated. As time passes and feelings develop, "is he there when you truly need him?" If the answer is no, you might want to re-evaluate his true intentions.

Ladies, having a guy there for you—being fully present and giving you a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or a hug, feels amazing, even more so when it's not expected. A guy who sees potential in a future with you will be right by your side through all of the cliches . . . thick and thin, in sickness and in health, as well as in good times and bad. In order for any relationship to grow and move on to the next level, it is imperative not only to have open communication . . . but to also be there for one another.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.


Laura on November 19, 2018:

MIA. Missing in action. Not being there at all physically or emotionally

Georgia on February 08, 2018:

What is MIA?

LaTrice from Las Vegas, NV on December 27, 2017:

I absolutely love the article. You're right about everything. Women aren't obligated to cling on to relationships when it's not being reciprocated. I believe both parties should make themselves emotionally available during the difficult times. If your significant other is unable to support you, it's best to walk away.

happycamper10 on December 04, 2017:

And I assume that the reverse is equally true before she proves herself worthy of a man's heart, right?

She has to prove she's a good leader (she makes wise decisions with actions and money), morals/character, care for others beyond herself, does the right thing (even when no ones looking), stands for something, honest, and believes family is important.

When I read lifestyle blogs like this I feel that there is an inherent assumption that women exhibit all the right behaviors in relationships and that men inherently don't and must prove themselves worthy.

This wasn't written as gender neutral, as in "your partner needs to prove". It was written specifically about men..."he" needs to prove.

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on September 04, 2014:

Thank you realtalk247. I appreciate you reading and all your comments. I definitely agree that, "women need to remember that men should not be given your heart upon slight acquaintance. He has to prove he's a good leader, ect...." Love that statement! :)

realtalk247 on August 29, 2014:

I loved this article. You are so right. So many women cling to relationships when the actions of the man simply say your needs are irrelevant to me. Reciprocity must exist in a healthy relationship. If someone is not there for you when you need then you have to believe: "When people show you who they are believe them."

Sometimes people make excuses for a presentation that says: I'm only there for the good times, I'm selfish, and the only person that matters in life is me. Now is this marriage material or father material? Absolutely Not! Women need to remember that men should not be given your heart upon slight acquaintance. He has to prove he's a good leader (he makes wise decisions with actions and money), morals/character, care for others beyond himself, does the right thing (even when no ones looking), stands for something, honest, and believes family is important. Too many times we see signs before even getting involved with someone that shows red flags.

Actions do speak louder than words and a man that loves you will be willing to care, sacrifice, and be there for you during good and bad times.

Stephanie Bailey (author) from Denver on August 27, 2014:

Thank you Mary and thank you for reading.

Mary on August 26, 2014:

Very insightful and accurate observation.

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