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Is He Purposely Starting Stupid Fights With You?

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Does He Start Arguments for No Reason?

There are some men who are very immature. Instead of choosing to have an adult conversation with you, they will instigate a stupid argument. A guy like this definitely takes the fun out of bantering.

Bantering vs. Stupid Fights

I have found that men who love to banter a lot also love to start stupid fights. These types of arguments are either to distract you from why you were really mad to begin with, or to help keep him from emotionally connecting with you on a deeper level. The more fights he instigates, the greater the distance between the two of you. Often this is done subconsciously, but either way, the end result is a failed relationship. It's almost as if he's trying to prove to himself that he is not worthy of being loved.

But

I disagree with the idea that fighting is exciting. I actually think the opposite—people don't really hear each other when they're yelling. People get defensive; it's not actually effective communication.

— Janna Koretz, Psy.D., psychologist

4 Signs He's Purposely Picking Fights With You

Have you noticed these four signs that your boyfriend is purposefully starting fights with you? If so, he is not choosing his battles wisely.

1. You Feel Constantly Anxious

Since you don't know what it is that triggers these ridiculous fights, you will feel as though you are constantly on pins and needles around him, anxious that a fight may occur. It is extremely stressful and frustrating to be with a guy when you can't understand why he chooses the things he chooses to argue about—things that most people would consider to be trivial.

Do these stupid fights really bring any positive change? For men who like to start them, they do—for a moment, they get to enjoy a small victory that they've gotten under your skin to cause you to participate. What's also interesting—this guy is usually the first one to label someone as being "negative." Seriously, does he not understand the definition of negative? This guy is so judgmental he probably doesn't.

2. Everything Can Become an Argument

A guy who starts stupid fights with you does not believe in “choosing his battles wisely.” For him, everything can be a battle to argue about. You sneeze, and he will pick a fight about that. You have an opinion about anything—even if your comment is valid—he will pick a fight about that. You say "hi" to someone he knows—in front of him—he will pick a fight about that. You want to take a girls’ trip the same time he's planning his guys’ trip—he will find a reason to argue about that. Really? Or maybe, he doesn't like the tone of your voice, the way you walk, how you pronounce a certain word—here comes another ridiculous fight. Yikes!

3. He Sounds Like a Child

Once the stupid disagreements begin, there is no controlling him. Your relationship will be constant bickering—which he will usually start in front of your friends as well as his—raising his voice to get his point across. I never knew that a point has more validity the louder you get? His "point" is usually pointless, since most children wouldn't even waste their breath arguing about the things he chooses to. All you can think about when you're with this guy is when he's going to start stomping his feet and throw himself on the ground in a tantrum.

When you're dating a guy who gets a thrill out of starting stupid fights, the attraction level you had for him diminishes significantly. Can't blame you, what grown woman wants to feel as though she dating a two-year-old child in a grown man's body? Frightening!

4. He Lacks Maturity

This need to create drama through small arguments is also due to a lack of maturity. At first, this might seem playful since he will usually start off with fun bantering and jokes. But then the bantering becomes fighting over little things and the "jokes" become less fun. This guy doesn't have an off switch, so the fights tend to occur more and more frequently until you forget what attracted you to him in the first place. Men like this are typically bad communicators, therefore they not only project their negative feelings onto you but also spew their verbal vomit through unnecessary drama.

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Why Is He Starting Stupid Fights?

The first question to ask yourself is, "Am I contributing to these fights?" You may, without your knowledge, be humoring his provocation. But why is he provoking you in the first place? Here are a couple of possibilities.

  1. He is defensive: If your boyfriend was hurt in a previous relationship, he may be defensive in yours. He doesn't want to get hurt again, therefore he is extra defensive and may be quick to overreact.
  2. He is anxious or depressed: He may be going through a tough time and is coping in an unhealthy way (by taking it out on you). It might be beneficial to suggest that he see a therapist or talk to you about it if he's comfortable enough.
  3. He is deflecting: Aside from being anxious or depressed, he could be having a tough time at work or is having financial struggles.
  4. He isn't confident: Whether it be in the bedroom or in his communication skills, your boyfriend may be lacking in the confidence department. This may cause him to lash out.

The message here is that communication is key. You won't know which of these issues it is (or if it's something else) unless you ask. Most likely, he will be willing to talk about it with you or with a professional. Don't let things bottle up inside! After you address the issue, you may find that the best decision for both parties is to end the relationship because you're just not compatible. But oftentimes, a solution is just within reach!

Don't let a stupid fight ruin your day.

Don't let a stupid fight ruin your day.

My Boyfriend Was a Master of Stupid Fights

I dated a guy who was a master when it came to starting stupid fights with me. It was almost as if there wasn't a fight for him to start then he would have nothing to say. The brilliance that he shared had to be in an argumentative form in order to express himself. Well, as with most men, they don't reveal their mysterious true selves until they become comfortable dating you or know that you are "into them"—which they view as a safe zone to let their guard down.

What attracted me to this guy—in the beginning—was his playful bantering. I love a guy who can banter. Done correctly, it can bring light-heartedness and fun energy to a relationship. As our dating progressed, so did the bantering . . . except it switched—faster than Superman at the speed of light—to small fights that were beyond childish.

What was confusing is I hadn't dated this guy long enough for any real or serious issues to come up that might be worth having "intense" discussions about. Regardless, he would argue about e-v-e-r-y-thing. He would argue about where I needed to park when visiting him. He would argue about letting me into his apartment building—in the time it took him to argue, he could have let me in sooner. He would ask me where I wanted to eat and then argue with me about the establishment I chose. Then why ask? He fought about what movie or TV program we watched. He picked a fight when I cooked for him—finding some excuse about something he didn't like. When I would hang out with my friends and he had no plans, he would start an argument to make me feel guilty about going out. And the stupid fights increased exponentially.

I think that because I was open to playful bantering—because that's what bantering is meant to be—he assumed that stupid fights were also up my ally. Wrong! This guy was so clueless at the perception other people were having. What he thought was entertaining by having these small fights was actually a turn-off and inappropriate behavior seen by others—including myself.

Time is precious—don't waste yours.

Time is precious—don't waste yours.

Don't Waste Your Time

Ladies, why waste your energy, time, or breath with a guy who enjoys finding things to get upset about? When a guy starts stupid fights with you, you do have the power to walk away and not contribute. Having a guy arouse you in a negative way is not only controlling, selfish, and immature, but overall toxic to a relationship. If you can't find a solution or common ground, it may be in your best interest to end things. But ultimately, that is up to you.

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