Alex is a passionate person with a natural talent of writing and helping others via positive reinforcement and knowledge from experience.
You've Got It All Figured Out, Right?
You've got friends in relationships. You see them all over social media bragging about how happy they are. You see those sappy love quotes, and you're a nice, genuine person. You know exactly what it takes to be in a relationship! To this day, you've experienced it all, and every person you've dated was just not for you! They were a cheater, or a liar, or crazy! You're liked by your social group of friends and family, and you just can't figure out why the right person hasn't crossed your path.
Is it you? No way. Have you ever thought about if it was? Have you ever missed someone you've been with in the past? Chances are good that if you have, then the problem wasn't entirely the other person. It could be you! It isn't a bad thing, but in order to join those power couples on your social media, you've got some work to do!
"There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love."
— Bryant H. McGill
Maybe It Is Me! What Can I Do?
Well, you're still reading! This is part of the first step. Admitting that you're not perfect, and making that perfectly clear with yourself.
Throughout my life, I always struggled with relationships. I assumed that all girls were crazy. Well, although that may be partially true, I learned through experience that they were normally crazy because I drove them crazy unknowingly. Each one is a little different, but the variables (you) are always the same. The same goes for girls or guys who are unfaithful during a relationship. Although the reasons for this vary, you cannot shame THEM until you look at YOURSELF.
I've loved, I've experienced all kinds of heartache and happiness, and I've at the same time - broken trust, and been an active part in why my past relationships have failed. However, blaming yourself is not how you learn. Blaming yourself will only make you more alone, and unaware - much like blaming the other person.
The key to finding yourself, your flaws, and weaknesses regarding your personal relationships is how you react to the problems within them. For example: If your significant other is a social butterfly, and always receiving attention, and the resulting factor is you being jealous - Are they flawed for wanting attention, or are you flawed for being jealous? Does this mean its not meant to be? Of course not.
However, you'll never change someone, no matter how hard you try. If your significant other is a social butterfly; That's how they are! Chances are good, that's how you met them, it is what draws you to them. Embrace that. Communicate your feelings of jealousy, for it is temporary. Combat your feelings of jealousy, and your partners social status with a post of your own about them.
Like mentioned, feelings are temporary. Above all, they are only there for statutory feedback our bodies use to make temporary decisions; much like pain. How you learn, and evolve from making those decisions is exactly how you will gain confidence in your relationships. You get mad when you stub your toe on the table, but is it the tables fault? Is it your toes fault? Of course not, but you'll use pain to learn from that mistake, and be careful to not do it again.
“It's not about making the right choice.
It's about making a choice and making it right.”
A Powerful Weapon or a Useful Tool
Feelings are one of the most powerful weapons used in relationships. Knowing your partner's weaknesses can either be your greatest tool, or your most powerful weapon.
From experience, making decisions based on feelings (using the example above) instead of communicating your feelings for use; opens the possibility for them to be used against you. Blaming your partner for being social; or getting mad at others for feeding into it, threatens your partner. Threatening your partner in any situation creates conflict that will always end badly eventually. They will ALWAYS continue to do this and it will spiral out of control until you communicate, and control your feelings. Use them to your benefit, always. Be open, be honest, and communicate with your partner. How your partner reacts is an indication of their feelings. Come to an agreement. Compromise.
Once you master the art of being self aware, and using your feelings as tool for solving your problems, you and your partner should be able to get through anything that personally troubles you.
There will always be conflict, again; it's how we learn. But what can we do to keep the peace? Like a constant cycle and rhythm of good times and problem solving?
The best way I've learned to do this:
- ALWAYS be positive. A past relationship of mine that had failed, always haunted me because this person said I was always negative. I never realized the effect of being positive until I made it a necessity in my everyday life. I used that negative experience as a tool.
- Be thankful. For everything. Even the simple things! If you are always expecting more, you will never be truly happy. By constantly being thankful, neither of you will ever have to try. Constantly remind yourself of what you have. What you've worked for, and how far you have come. Always remember things could be worse.
- Don't be a negative Nancy. Truth is, you're the only one that cares. Take what you can, use it as a tool, and move forward being positive. You'll be amazed to find out the good that comes from this.
- Identify the good things when they do happen. Don't assume you have bad luck, or nothing good ever happens to you. It's in your hands! It's all how you perceive it. By identifying good things when they happen, it reminds you to be thankful and promotes positivity!
Treat Them How You Want to Be Treated!
This is an old saying. I've heard it thousands of times. What about it?
It's true. The biggest part of relationships is being respectful. After all, you didn't win them over by being rude, or petty; did you? Be kind, respect them, listen to them, analyze every situation for a chance to learn something new about them. Remember: "If you're always talking, you never have a chance to learn"
Belittling your partner because of jealousy, self-perceived authority, or any reason what-so-ever, is un called for. You HAVE to be aware of these situations as sometimes they are tricky. You, or your partner may not realize you are being disrespectful or commandeering.
Practice Forgiveness and Apologies
If I had a dime for every time I've heard "I'm Sorry" I'd own one of every sports car I've ever wanted.
People often overuse the phrase. For that, it's an easy thing to do. However; asking for forgiveness isn't just about the phrase. It's making a determination that you've done or said the wrong thing, and the first step to correcting it.
This is where most people stop. This is not enough! An apology is another tool, and must be used correctly to finish the job.
In order to correctly apologize after you've determined you've said/done the wrong thing, you need to determine the root cause of what you've done. Why did you do it? Feelings? More than likely.
If so, then you already know what you need to do to fix it, and you can communicate and compromise accordingly. No matter what the cause or justification, you need to clearly state your reasoning, and either ask your partner for advice, or proclaim a solution you devised. Afterwards, it is your responsibility to uphold that apology before you are given forgiveness.
As for forgiveness, That's easier said than done; and if you find yourself handing it out too often, or asking for it too often, you need to re-align your values and self awareness to compose a solution that is permanent - for you and your partner both.
If I could reach down in my heart, I would say I'm sorry for every unkind word and thought I ever had.
— Terry Bradshaw
Build Your Tool Box!
You've got all the tools you need for putting your best foot forward towards your relationship. The trick is, putting all these tools in your box, and learning the correct way to utilize them. Understanding how each tool can help you, and becoming self aware to these tools will constantly help you. Remain consistent and practice using them. Don't be discouraged. This takes time! However, with patience you'll soon find that everything comes together exactly the way you envisioned.
Utilize these tools everyday, and be thankful for every interaction and relationship you have. Even if it doesn't work out, you have gained valuable experience.
I sincerely hope these thoughts help you and your partner in some way. This information is nothing new. It's simply refreshing to read, comprehend, and good form to practice. Thank you for taking the time to read, I am always grateful for comments or questions.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
dashingscorpio from Chicago on March 14, 2018:
"Is it always the wrong person? Or is it you?" - Yes it's you!
Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse.
Each of us has our mate selection process/must haves list.
Each of us has our own boundaries and "deal breakers".
If you go to the grocery store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No! You learn to become a "better shopper".
When it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. Rarely does someone hit a homerun their first, second, third, or fourth time up at bat. If this were not true we would all be married to our high school sweethearts!
With each breakup, heartache, or divorce one is presented with an opportunity to learn something about them self and explore why they said "yes" to this person.
Nothing happens until (you) say "yes".
The goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things, and last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for one another.
Compatibility trumps compromise.
Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!
There are three basic reasons why couples split up.
1. They chose the (wrong) mate. (They're too incompatible.)
2. A "deal breaker" was committed in the eyes of another.
3. They fell out of love/stopped wanting the same things.
People don't usually "change" unless (they) are unhappy.
Most people want to be loved and accepted for who they are. Very few people are walking around with one hand raised in the air screaming: "I'm looking for someone to change me!"
There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.
When it's all said and done a breakup or divorce is nothing more than a public admission that a "mistake" was made in someone's "mate selection process". It's not the end of the world.
In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: NEXT!
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."
- Oscar Wilde