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How Long Should You Wait to Have "The Talk?"

My passions include writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based own personal experiences.


Everyone wants to rush to the finish line, relationship exclusivity, without fully knowing what the actual prize is: discovering who they are really dating. This can cause a potential end to an undeveloped beginning.

You hear it all the time: with people who rush into the next level—sex, partners, moving in, marriage—there tends to be a bigger risk that the relationship will fail. It’s easy to get caught up in the romance of it all, since during the first weeks—sometimes months—it's the honeymoon stage where everything seems perfect. But the true test of any relationship is how that person reacts in stressful situations, such as when they are angry, disappointed, tired, or hungry. How will your partner treat you when things don't go their way? And, of course, are they truly a great communicator, or is their communication style to emotionally shut down and walk away?

Build a Strong Foundation

It's important to take time to know someone and fully enjoy each stage of the relationship so that you build a strong foundation to help the relationship last as well as keep the spark that attracted you both

I'm definitely a sucker for romance; who isn't? Hearing stories of couples who meet, instantly become exclusive, then weeks later get married—it's very romantic. But when you actually hear a story like that, usually it ends in break-up or divorce.

Most women would love their life to be like a romantic movie, in which the guy instantly knows that she is the one, causing him to go out of his way to create a happily-ever-after with her. But realistically when a friend tells you that they met a guy, after a few weeks have fallen in love, and are exclusively dating—as happy as you want to be for them, you're filled with concern since you can already see the disaster ahead, like a car crash that you can't avoid.

Falling in Love

I've said this before: most people who fall in love quickly are in love with the idea of the person (pedestal syndrome), not the actual person. In order for any relationship to survive and for love to develop, there needs to be communication but also time spent together. Time fully getting to know each other. Time creating experiences. Time for the honeymoon stage to dissipate and the core of the person to appear. Time to build a strong foundation past the sexual desires. And time to interact with the outside world—family, friends, work stuff, etc.—to see if you actually are compatible in all aspects of life.

Falling out of Love

Relationships that move too quickly will end just as quickly. When a person is desperately seeking companionship and love, they do not take the proper time to date and get to know their potential partner. I've been guilty of this.

I have dated guys who have swept me off my feet in the beginning, and since we were still in the honeymoon stages of dating, would push for exclusivity. Although knowing a guy wants to be exclusive is flattering, it is also about their ego, taking the other person off the market like a trophy they have won. Realistically, when you don't know someone thoroughly, how can you decide to be exclusive? There's an order for things for a reason. It's not first comes marriage, then comes's first comes love, then comes marriage.

Know Before Going Exclusive

Why would you be exclusive, and then get to know the person? I'm not saying that you need to know 100 things about the person before exclusivity, but most people don't even know ten things (middle name, political views, birth date, sibling names, religious views, place of birth, allergies, passions, favorite color, etc.).

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Needless to say, once I was exclusive, the effort these men put into maintaining the relationship dwindled. The dating and planning became nights staying in, and the expectation was for me to come to them versus them coming to me. When you do not immerse yourself in the dating experience, you lose out on creating a pattern of working together to keep the spark ignited and continually making each other feel special.

The beautiful thing about dating is that it gives you the time to get to know one another. The longer you date, the more experiences you create, and the truth becomes clear if long term will work.

When you first start dating, you don't meet the person, you meet their representative. They instead put their best foot forward, showing you who they think you will like the most. Eventually, the true self always appears, and that person might not be who you really want for the long haul. That's why it's important to date someone for at least two months (preferably longer) before deciding if going to the next level is right.

Rushed Relationships Are Bound to Fizzle Quickly

Many people treat relationships like sex. In the beginning, there is a little foreplay—dating—before they jump right into sex—a relationship. It's very rare that two people who rush into sex, just like two people who rush into a relationship, end up lasting.

With men, if you sleep with them too soon, they usually lose interest since there is nothing to work for any more. Same with relationships, if you rush from dating to an exclusive relationship, complacency sets in, the courting ceases, and before you know it your date nights consist of evenings at his house watching movies and eating takeout. Don't get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with staying home once in a while, but if you didn't rush the dating process, would he still value you as the prize?

Ladies, it's also not just men. Some women tend to get lazy in their appearance once they are in a relationship, such as not working out as much, going from sexy to frumpy, living in casual clothes, never putting on high heels and dresses.

Let the Relationship Blossom

When you take the time to embrace the dating experience, like giving the relationship time to bloom, you have a better chance of having a successful one.

One of my girlfriends used to rush the dating experience. She would always have a boyfriend after just a few weeks of dating. This same scenario brought similar situations. These men would go from planning dates and putting their best foot forward, to doing the complete opposite once they knew that she was their girlfriend. These men didn't try to keep the relationship blossoming because they got what they wanted—her. This pattern got old quickly. My friend decided that the next guy she dated, she would take her time and not rush the dating experience

By not rushing the dating experience with the next guy, she was able to determine if they were a great fit for each other. During this extended dating (three months), a pattern was developed and formed by continually trying on both their parts. Guess what, not only did they keep the spark alive, they created a bond that developed slowly, a deeper bond than she has ever experienced previously. This time around, this guy not only become her boyfriend, but is leading her on the path to marriage.

Take Your Time

Ladies, take time to enjoy the experience of dating. If he is truly the right guy, he will want to take his time to build a relationship with you while valuing you and what you both have together. Know that relationships should be treated like delicate flowers. When you take time to find the right soil, plant the right seeds, and water will have a garden (relationship) that will continue to grow.


This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

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