Jorge's relationship advice is based on experience and observation. He's seen many people—including himself—get seduced and hurt by love.
The Perfect Relationship, the Perfect Partner
Are you looking for the perfect relationship partner so that your life can finally be complete?
I'm going to be upfront: this article is probably not going to be what you expect. But hear me out: if you are looking for a partner to ease your sense of loneliness, if you are searching for the "perfect partner" to complete you, you are headed for a minefield. DANGER! Here be monsters.
Loneliness is Not Cured By Other People
One of the paradoxes of life is that the harder your search for someone to complete some sense of emptiness in your life, the harder it will be to find such a person.
That's because they don't exist. Nothing will fill that void except you. When you try to find a partner out of sense of neediness, you can expect that you will attract mostly co-dependency, someone who will simply distract you from the emptiness for a limited amount of time. When you eventually break up with them, that feeling of neediness and emptiness with be waiting for you again. It will never actually go away.
There's also the fact that...
"Perfect" is a Fantasy
There is no one "perfect" for you in the sense of what you probably have pictured in your head. There are compatible people, but, if you're like most people, you will likely feel some kind of discontent with them once the honeymoon period has worn off.
It's not that perfect people don't exist. Maybe they do. It's just that humans are seemingly wired to find fault in everything, and to be at least slightly unsatisfied at all times. Eventually, this will seep into your relationship life, and will make it rather imperfect.
However, there is such a thing as someone who is more compatible with you than the average person. This is what we're all shooting for when we start dating and sniffing each other out.
So if you are trolling through the dating scene and having trouble finding "the one," keep these steps in mind as you're developing your fledgling relationships:
Step 1: Stop Looking for Another Person to Complete Your Life
The first thing that you'll need to do to avoid attracting someone who will simply be turned on by your neediness (and not by you) is to stop looking to anyone else to give your life a sense of completeness and satisfaction.
You may say, "Oh, no, I want the perfect relationship as a bonus, not to complete my life."
Maybe for some percentage of people, that may be true--but if you're like most people, then this is just something that you tell yourself. In reality, there is probably a deeper sense of dread inside you, a fear of being "forever alone." Something in you probably finds that prospect unacceptable.
Imagine yourself without a partner for the rest of your life, for one reason or another. Are you okay with that? Would you be at peace with it, and not spend a lot of your time searching? Chances are, you're probably not okay with that.
Neither are most people. You're certainly not the only one.
But a lot of the time, this need to have someone in your life can be the root of why we end up in dysfunctional relationships. We look for the wrong things in others. We look for people who will help us stagnate and stay safely in our comfort zones, people who we feel will never leave us.
And then, as we slowly grow discontented with life, the relationship starts to crumble, we have an explosive breakup, and then we start all over again with someone else.
How do we break this cycle so that we can be free?
It's not about giving up relationships altogether. It's about approaching others out of that sense of freedom and happiness, and building a relationship from that, instead of using people to distract from our fears.
Be conscious of where you are emotionally. Are you seeking a partner out of neediness or are you gently opening yourself up to the possibility of letting someone compatible in your life? This makes all the difference.
Step 2: Take a Look at Your Relationship With Yourself
Before you get with anyone else, you need to have a good relationship with yourself. What does that mean?
This means that you have to be in touch with what you were really meant to do in this life. You'll also be more in touch with what you want from a relationship, what you find acceptable, and what you find unacceptable.
Someone who doesn't have conscious and healthy standards for themselves will naturally turn into a doormat for others. Explore your inner world and don't compromise on the things that are truly important to you.
Step 3: Honor Your Life Path
This is an extension of the last point. How many times in your life have you let others influence you away from a path that you knew was the right one for you? Did you ever give up on an important dream because of a relationship or even just the criticisms of others?
Sometimes we may not even realize it when we do it, since it can be all quite subconscious.
The problem is that when we veer away from doing what we know is right by our inner voice, we're not creating the life that we want. Say you want to be a painter and you know that it's your calling, but you choose another path because your partner isn't comfortable with that career and thinks that you won't make enough money.
Chances are, this will lead to resentments--on both sides, actually. You will almost inevitably resent having to do work that doesn't fulfill you, and your partner will (probably unknowingly) grow weary of spending time with someone who isn't being his or her true self.
The consequences of following or not following your genuine path are inescapable. Think very carefully before getting into a relationship if you think you will be easily influenced into giving up the things that are most important to you.
Step 4: Give the People Who Show Up a Chance
After having taken all of that into consideration, and resolving to live a life that is true to who you really are, all you have to do is invite people to connect with you.
That's all. Be who you are and see who shows up. If you truly are living a life of action that is aligned with who you are, you will tend to draw in people who are attracted to your true self. Those are the kinds of relationships that can last, so make sure to advertise everything that you are!
Now, for a lot of us, there is a fear associated with this, even if we might not admit it. Sometimes it's buried quite deep in the psyche. The fear is basically: "What if I bare my true self and nobody likes it?"
The good news is that the chances of that are low. In fact, just by being yourself and not putting up a front, you'll be attractive to others because this trait of complete honesty is unfortunately a bit unusual.
Let's say that by some miracle, nobody is into you, though. Let's say you're a castaway on an island with only two other people, and neither of them like you. Would you really want to force a connection anyway, just for the sake of being with someone? Would you really rather pretend to be someone you're not to attract someone who is genuinely incompatible--just to be with someone?
Probably not, right?
Luckily, in practice, fearing that no one will like your true self is usually an irrational notion. Plenty of people will like you, if you just give them a chance.
Another problem is when we judge people and reject them too quickly. It's one thing if we're just flat-out not attracted to someone, but if someone seems reasonably attractive, but we're afraid of moving forward, it's easy to come up with BS excuses as to why that person is incompatible.
"Oh, he doesn't have a car, so that must mean he's a bum, anyway."
Maybe he's an environmentalist.
"Oh, she has foot-long press-on nails. That must mean she's superficial."
Maybe she's just artistic.
"Oh, he's of a different ethnicity. I don't want our cultures to clash."
Maybe you actually have a lot of common ground.
You get the picture. Give people a chance. Suspend your judgement until you've sniffed them out a bit. Go on a few dates. Put yourself "out there" without letting the fear-based part of your mind give you excuses to run away.
Step 5: Open Yourself Up
Emotional vulnerability can be a rough thing to display to other people. The fear tells us that we can't trust other people with our deepest thoughts.
Well, screw the fear. Relationships get interesting only when you can be vulnerable with people--and this goes for romantic relationships as well as friendships.
Open yourself up and tell people even the things that you're embarrassed about, or the things that you think they will judge you for. Put it all out on the table as soon as possible, and then you'll know quickly who you're compatible with.
Of course, this doesn't mean burdening people with all your negative thoughts--though there's something to be said for that, too. If that's where you are emotionally, then that's where you are, and sometimes you need to fully own things before you move on to change them.
Step 6: Expect Your Partner to Only Be Him/Herself
Similarly, just as it's best to show your true self so that you can attract true connections, expect your partner to also be themselves. It's easy to be critical of others and to try to change them, but this actually works against you!
When people try to push against our genuine selves, we usually either run away or build fake walls to show people what they want to see. Do you want to be on the receiving end of this? Do you want a fake version of your partner that is built just to appease you?
If you honor your true selves and discover that there is a genuine incompatibility there, then it's probably time to break up (or not get together in the first place).
Step 7: Practice Gratitude for What You Have
Finally, we can't really attract what we really want without being grateful for the nice things that we already have.
Maybe you haven't met "the one" yet, but you probably have great friends, a decent familiarly, or other people in your life that you care about. And if you don't, then maybe it's time to work on those connections first! They will give you a nice foundation of unconditional love (if you choose the right people) that will help move you in the direction of a truly compatible life partner.
Out of that well of gratitude, though, you'll be in a much better position to attract the right person than out of neediness or a sense of lack. So count your blessings every day and appreciate the wonderful people in your life!
Okay, That's Fine, But...
I know, I know.
It's not a step-by-step, one-size-fits all guide to finding the perfect match for you today, 100% guaranteed or your money back!
But that's because life doesn't really work that way. For better or for worse, we live among a complex spiral of human relationships, and that requires some subtlety. There is no magic formula.
The only universal thing here is that the quality of your relationships with others are heavily based on the relationship that you have with yourself.
Your "Perfect" Relationship Journey
Your Past Love Life
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
© 2018 Jorge Vamos