Christian Perspective: Staying Happily Married Though Incompatible - PairedLife - Relationships
Updated date:

Christian Perspective: Staying Happily Married Though Incompatible

MsDora is a Certified Christian Counselor. Her views on premarital and marital issues are influenced by her Christian beliefs.

Staying Happily Married Though Incompatible

Staying Happily Married Though Incompatible

A square peg and a round hole are incompatible from the start. They are not “capable of living together in harmony”1 (the meaning of compatible). The emphasis is on capable.

Compare the situation in which a man and woman have already lived together in a five or twenty-five year marriage and then get divorced because they think that they are incompatible. How did they come up with that?

We can make several guesses.

  • They were always incompatible but they did not know, because they had not taken the compatibility test.
  • They were always incompatible and they knew they were, but they married for reasons other than “existing together in harmony.”
  • They were compatible until an irreparable change happened to one or both of them, rendering them incompatible.
  • They choose to label themselves incompatible because they do not want to name the specific reason for their pending divorce.

Anyone of these guesses may be right. The question is whether a couple can recognize their incompatibility and still choose to live together peaceably and happily. A wise couple can with the following suggestions.

(1) Confess Dislikes

Timothy Keller, in The Meaning of Marriage states that “some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation.”2

“Two flawed people.” So where does one get the idea that the other person would be completely likeable? There are bound to be some dislikes on both sides, which can be magnified to the point of incompatibility; or, with an understanding that both individuals have faults, the incompatibility can be disregarded in exchange for an adventure in learning to love.

Because the dislikes may remain (everything from dislike of seeing a spouse wearing certain color to the way he or she spends money), it is helpful to know them and confess them just so the surprise does not become a reason for argument. Barring destructive habits like abuse or dangerous threats resulting from mental imbalance, most inharmonious actions can be discussed, and some may even be understood.

Recognize incompatibility and still choose to live together peaceably and happily.

Recognize incompatibility and still choose to live together peaceably and happily.

(2) Maximize Likes

Justin A. Lavner and Thomas N. Bradbury studied 136 marriages. All the couples were satisfied with their relationships at the start and throughout the first 4 years. In the 10-year follow up, those who stayed married had healthier “interpersonal exchanges.”3 They enjoyed stronger and better commitment, communication, emotion and social support.

Early in the marriage, the atmosphere is set for the kind of marriage it will be. The more effort put into enjoying the likes, the less impact the dislikes will have. Marriages become happier when couples intentionally make it so, by practicing habits like the following:

  • Commending and strengthening the qualities they like in each other, instead of nagging about qualities they wished for;
  • Expressing gratitude for the number of similarities instead of regrets over the difference;
  • Reliving the occasions when love instead of indifference was the controlling factor;
  • Counting the benefits instead of the inconveniences of the marriage;
  • Laughing instead of complaining about situations in which your incompatibilities made things awkward.

People who make it a habit to be happy, also know how to share happiness. The dislikes of happy spouses may never disappear, but in time they will be remembered less and less.

  • Incompatible Spouses Share Their Secret to Unity
    Amanda and Rob Moody met in the Air Force. Amanda was 18, Rob was 20. They both describe themselves as immature, career driven, and selfish. They judged one another even more harshly. Read their amazing story of their happy marriage.

(3) Agree to Disagree

The Serenity Prayer is fitting for every situation in life, and most fitting for marriage. In essence, the spouses who pray this prayer believe that the reasons for disharmony can remain, without making them miserable.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.4

In marriage, it is wise to pray this prayer in stages. First, as individuals, for the serenity to accept the things he and she can and cannot change; then together when they seek courage to change the things they can and the wisdom to know the difference.

It is not enough to clarify thoughts and intentions with God, and leave the spouse guessing. Praying together, whether it be the Serenity or any other prayer, helps to foster a spirit of unity, and makes it easier for spouses who agree about their disagreements.

Wise couples can agree about their disagreements.

Wise couples can agree about their disagreements.

(4) Take Regular Relationship Check-Ups

"Couples are usually most compatible the day of their marriage, and things go downhill from there. . . Trouble is, most couples stop trying to be compatible as soon as they're married."5

Therefore whether or not a couple begins the marriage being compatible, it is wise to take regular relationship checkups.

There are various other check-up tools accessible online which can be used occasionally to identify areas which need to be improved, and areas in which there is growth.

People who choose to be in relationships might as well choose to stay happy in them. Happiness is not automatic. A little guidance helps.

Try a Check-Up Exercise

Created by Emma K. Viglucci, Founder of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, this exercise measures marriage health and detects areas which need attention.6

Conclusion

Many divorces happen because the spouses want an easier marriage. The spouses cite incompatibility, discord, conflict of personalities, irreconcilable differences only to find that there are many marriages with similar elements which survive happily.

Happiness in marriage begins with the knowledge that inner peace or harmony is an individual responsibility. Individuals who pursue personal happiness also focus on supporting happiness in others. Marriages remain happy because the spouses are wise and intentional in sharing happiness, not because discord is absent.

Incompatibility Survival Poll

References Online

1. Oxford Dictionaries: compatible - © 2014 Oxford University Press

2. Keller, Timothy: Relevant Magazine; You May Never Marry the Right Person (January 5, 2012).

3. Lavner, Justin A.; Bradbury, Thomas N: APA PsycNET; Why do even satisfied newlyweds eventually go on to divorce? Journal of Family Psychology, Record Display Vol26(1) February 2012

4. Neibuhr, Reinhold: Urban Connection, The Serenity Prayer

5. Harley, Dr. Willard F. Jr.: Marriage Builders,Inc. How to Survive Incompatibility (© 1995-2014)

6. Viglucci, Emma K: Metropolitan Marriage and Family Therapy, How Does Your Marriage Rate? (© 2006)

7. Olson, David H. Ph.D.: Fireproof Couples Quiz (© 2005 - 2014 Life Innovations, Inc.)

8. Arizona Family Therapy and Wellness Center, Inc.: Relationship Check-Up Quiz (© 2012)

This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.

© 2014 Dora Weithers

Comments

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on October 10, 2014:

Amine, I appreciate you sharing these stories. Thanks for your valuable input.

Amine from Doha, Qatar on October 10, 2014:

Why Incompatible Spouses Can Stay Happily Married?

about a year ago i saw an article of couple they have been married more than 60 years, somebody asked them what is your secret the answer was we fight everyday, but before we go to sleep at night we both apologize to each other.

this story reminds me of another story of this husband who used to give his wife each day a rose since they have been married.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on August 07, 2014:

Ologsinquito, glad you share my perspective. Thanks for your feedback.

ologsinquito from USA on August 07, 2014:

I really do like this message in an age when people are so quick to end a marriage. Thanks for writing this.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on July 16, 2014:

Crystal, it seems that these two are already in bed; hence the ultimatum. If that is the case, yes, he's trapped. I share your concern about him. Now he has to choose: marry against his will or give up the loveless relationship as well as his business investments. Without knowing all the details, it appears that he ought to put everything on hold and work on himself. You are right to suggest counseling, but first for him--then for the relationship if he still wants it.

crystal on July 15, 2014:

Thank you for responding MsDora. I understand you. I do not mean to bore you further, but there's a situation with a friend that truly has me worried. He has been dating a woman about 9months. She has placed an ultimatum on him to marry her within this month or next. From speaking with him, he does not want to marry her and he sounded scared. Sadly, he feels he has to give in, due to the fact that she has heavily connected herself to the business he's growing, thus making him fearful of the brand's reputation being adversely affected if they broke up. To me, it's like he's trapped. I don't believe he truly loves her (he declined to answer when I asked if he does), and he has vented his frustrations with her behaviors as of late. I can see that they definitely have issues to work out b4 entering marriage, just based on the things he's shared with me. He's already been married/divorced 4times. Wouldn't you want to go into your next marriage confident, excited, in love, and with a solid/healthy foundation?? Maybe I shouldn't worry too much about it. But when you love and care about a friend, you simply want the best for them. It just does not sit right in my spirit and I'm concerned that he could possibly face another divorce. If he does marry, yes I will support him and wish him well. It just seems like they are not on the same page. If they do wed, do you believe they truly have a shot?? I personally think they should seek premarital counseling if so..I am wishing him the best

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on July 10, 2014:

Crystal. I think I understand your comment. "There has to be an unbreakable compatibility/connection SOMEWHERE ." That is true, and sometimes the compatibility lies in the fact that both people agree not to have "constant friction, controlling, emotional abuse, stress, or manipulation in the relationship." They focus on their few, enjoyable similarities and they live in peace despite their many non-similarities. They choose happiness. I am agreeing with you, as long as you realize that incompatibility does not mean friction. I appreciate your input.

Crystal Marie on July 09, 2014:

Your article hit on some good points, and I definitely believe it will inspire married people to continuously work things out despite the challenges that might arise. But it also makes me beg the question, if it's not so much about incompatibility, but more so about the effort to be happy, then what is the measuring stick guide to knowing if you should marry a certain person in the 1st place? Am I supposed to marry someone who I feel just "okay" with (even if I do love them) believing the goal is to work things out anyway in hopes I'll be content the marriage? I hope I'm making sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's a good idea to marry anyone where there's constant friction, controlling, emotional abuse, stress, or manipulation in the relationship. I believe some things just aren't meant to be, because it isn't healthy for anybody to tolerate such things. There has to be an unbreakable compatibility/connection SOMEWHERE at the core rooted in like, love, respect and trust - before "I do" is uttered.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 14, 2014:

CV, I appreciate your comment. Thank you.

Disillusioned from Kerala, India on June 13, 2014:

Good analysis and suggestions!

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on June 12, 2014:

Joe, thanks for your input. You got that right.

Joe from north miami FL on June 12, 2014:

People can work things out even if they are different. It just takes love and a desire to make it work, great hub.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 23, 2014:

Rajan, glad you like it. Thank you for letting me know.

Rajan Singh Jolly from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar, INDIA. on April 23, 2014:

I think you sum up the essence of a happy marriage in the last sentence. Inspite of discord it is the desire to intentionally share happiness that does the trick.

Excellent points here Dora and I love the Serenity prayer.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 22, 2014:

Martie, that scenrio is all too common. What a pity, because there is no guarantee that the new relationship would be any better. Oh, well. Thanks for weighing in.

Martie Coetser from South Africa on April 22, 2014:

It takes two to tango....

Too often only one of two is willing to create harmony, and sooner or later this one simply flies away to create harmony elsewhere. Of course, blaming the phenomenon called 'incompatibility'.

Great hub, MsDora :)

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 21, 2014:

Thelma, thanks for your input. Happy that you and your husband had the wisdom to work on your happiness and not be distracted by differences in culture and traditions--major inconveniences.

Thelma Alberts from Germany and Philippines on April 21, 2014:

A thought provoking hub with lots of advices. I´m almost 33 years married to the same man. People thought we were incompatible to each other due to our different cultures and traditions. We work for the success of our marriage and we respect each others opinion.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 20, 2014:

Marlene, thank you for this perfect illustration to my title. I appreciate your input.

Marlene Bertrand from USA on April 19, 2014:

Very nice. Informative. Lots of excellent lessons. My husband and I have been married since 1987. We are complete opposites. We disagree on just about everything. But, early in our marriage we identified who would be responsible for certain aspects of household decisions and agreed that it was OK to disagree with each other, but ultimately, the person responsible for a particular issue could assert their decision and that's that. We wholeheartedly hear the other person's side and if we still disagree, oh well... It doesn't mean we can't get along.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 17, 2014:

Romeos, surely glad to see you. I appreciate your input. Thanks for the kind remarks on the article as well as the picture.

Romeos Quill from Lincolnshire, England on April 17, 2014:

A good Hub MsDora. So many reasons for divorce; cause and effect, namely:-

Losing a child, unable to have a child, poor sex life, violence, selfishness, unfaithfulness etc... It seems a small miracle that so many do survive and last the long haul.

You really went to town on this article; great job. ( Love the new profile pic! ).

Best Wishes;

R.Q.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 17, 2014:

Eiddwen,thank you for stopping by, and for the votes. I appreciate you.

Eiddwen from Wales on April 17, 2014:

Some great suggestions in this very interesting hub.

Voted up and shared.

Eddy.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 16, 2014:

Dirt Farmer, I thoroughly agree that differences in values can be disastrous.

If the couple intends to be happy, that would be one of the areas to which they apply the serenity prayer, "God . . . grant me the courage to change the things I can (value system for the sake of personal growth and improvement in the marriage)" and act on it. Not easy, but also not impossible.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to include that.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 16, 2014:

Ologsinquito, well said. Thank you for your comment and votes.

Jill Spencer from United States on April 16, 2014:

You always give your readers something to think about! I agree that people with different preferences can be happily married, but to me a difference in core values creates true incompatibility. For instance, marriage to a man who is dishonest with money would cause suffering (on many levels) to a woman who values honesty. I think it would lead to disrespect, and that would kill the relationship.

ologsinquito from USA on April 16, 2014:

This is excellent advice. Of course there's going to be conflict in a marriage, because neither partner is perfect. Voted up and shared.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 16, 2014:

Hi Mona. Thank you for your observation on the possibilities for lasting marriages whether or not the spouses are compatible. I totally agree.

Mona Sabalones Gonzalez from Philippines on April 16, 2014:

This is a lovely hub, Ms. Dora. I tend to agree with you, the first four years define what the marriage will be like. But then, sometimes I say if you survive five years, you can make it. And then there's the saying of the seven year itch. The bottom line is, as you say, an incompatible couple can make their marriage work if they put effort to it. The same is true with compatible couples. Marriage takes work and commitment. If both sides are committed, over time they appreciate each other's loyalty, and they have each other's back. And then they get old and look forward to spending the years that they have left together, taking care of each other and waiting for the grandchildren. Marriage is great when it's good.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 16, 2014:

Sujaya, thank you for reading. I appreciate your comment.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 16, 2014:

Frank, thank you for your kind remark. My articles are lessons for me too; glad when others learn from them.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 16, 2014:

Jackie, thanks for your input. Loving God first is surely the best thing, because it is He who teaches us to love each other. You're right on!

sujaya venkatesh on April 16, 2014:

a good thought do

Frank Atanacio from Shelton on April 16, 2014:

Msdora your hubs teach, educate and make you think.. I love how you started this hub off: A square peg and a round hole are incompatible; so are oil and water, also day and night. overlooked but so true

Jackie Lynnley from the beautiful south on April 15, 2014:

Marriage is not an easy thing and certainly there should be required classes on it. I personally think we are none perfect and should do our best to make our marriages work out but I think we should put God first above our spouse and that in that case we should be firm. God wants our marriages to work certainly but none are to come before Him. Many hang onto spouses thinking they can change them when it can ruin our own lives if we are not very careful.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 15, 2014:

Crafty, I'm also divorced; some of my insights are hindsight, and I'm sure they would be effective if I were to remarry. Happy for you that you found someone with whom you can live happily. Please continue to treasure the relationship and enjoy your second chance.

CraftytotheCore on April 15, 2014:

This is a lovely Hub MsDora. I am re-married now to a wonderful man, but one time I was married to someone who just couldn't compromise on anything. Everything had to be his way. It was an awful experience and one that I look back on now as a way to appreciate my new husband even more.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 15, 2014:

Tireless, thank you for your kind comment and for sharing your beautiful marriage experience. "Who would have thought there would be new things to like in years 34-38, but there have been." Please be sure to share this marriage builder somewhere.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 15, 2014:

Mathi, I really appreciate your comment, realizing that you have been writing extensively on marriage. Thanks for your encouragement.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 15, 2014:

Elearn, thanks for your input! I agree that commitment is the important focus.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 15, 2014:

Flourish, you nailed it. Happiness in marriage is understanding the changes which occur in each other as they both grow. Thank you.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 15, 2014:

Michael, there are so many valid points in your comment. Thank you. You and your wife are being good examples of commitment to the marriage vows. More blessings and happiness today and in the future!

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 15, 2014:

Treasures, so good to hear from you. Congratulations on your upcoming 29th wedding anniversary. The God who helped you through so far, can help you through another 29. Thanks for your comment.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 15, 2014:

EP, thank you for weighing in. It is wise for couples to realize that every situation, including marriage, will have its share of ups and downs. That's just life!

Judy Specht from California on April 14, 2014:

Voted up useful awesome and beautiful. Beautiful because a marriage everyone decides is made up of flawed people is indeed beautiful. Periodically I write down what I like about my husband. One like for each year we have been married. The trials of the last few years have brought some new likes which I never expected. Who would have thought there would be new things to like in years 34-38, but there have been.

This is one of the best articles ever about marriage. Going to link it to my marriage advice hub.

mathira from chennai on April 14, 2014:

MsDora,

There is no such thing as easy married as most couples dream of when they marry. It is hard work all the way! Excellent tips and suggestions for a good relationship.

Darlene Matthews on April 14, 2014:

I believe a happy marriage is one that has perfect commitment and respect for one another. Everyone changes and grows as years and circumstances affect their lives.

We stay committed to our children and family when they change; why not your spouse? You did it again Ms Dora...Thought provoking topic.

FlourishAnyway from USA on April 14, 2014:

These are good suggestions Dora! Over the coure of decades, people change, sometimes quite dramatically. Emphasizing the common values, similarities, likes, history, common experiences, can at least bring continuity. It is okay to grow and change. We are never the same person we were at 25, so why should we expect our partner to be?

Michael-Milec on April 14, 2014:

COMMENT+MsDora

Hello MsDora.

Wow. All your hubs are so well composed, documented and informative and highly educational, uncompromisingly truthful- so is this one. A straight forward guideline for all marriages infected by wily popularized and welcomed disease called divorce. A very good question "Why…" of the particular article's title has put on alarm attention the one whose English isn't firs language. As always, I've reached for the Dictionary to check for myself, trusting that your point on the term is valid. What puzzled me most is one of the explanation "Not capable of forming successful graft." Hmm. Meanwhile a scientific observation came with the theory " spouses CAN stay happily married. Correct! They can entering into the matrimony fully persuaded "until we both live " and then from the very first second focus on working together toward a long, healthy, prosperous and productive life to the Glory of the Creator, displaying joy and happiness to everyone pleasure they know. It's a decision to want succeed and be happy , both of us goal is perfecting the imperfection of two strangers, whose life under the same roof and the same name is never known before. How are you prepared , and whose advice you follow as a role model?

Once upon a time, as a marriage license holder, while " counseling " future couple I have advised them always give that hat you like and want the best to your spouse - this way you both will enjoy the best. Urging them that "love" is hard work and the first one hundred years in marriage is a trying,testing or putting to proof period of time to accommodate to each other will. Then saying, I never been there yet… ( I was much younger that time) , now well past a half of that journey I can say, it is getting much easier everyday , we both accept only one of two decision applicable at the time, no need for compromise; it's a good idea, let's do it, when you win we both celebrate the victory.

Voted useful, beautiful and interesting.

Have a blessed week.

Sima Ballinger from Michigan on April 14, 2014:

Great content MsDora. You have shed light on a very important topic "compatibility" in marriage. This is very helpful information. My husband and I have been married 28 (29 years next month), and I can use this. Married life goes through stages. Voted UP, Beautiful...

Elizabeth Parker from Las Vegas, NV on April 14, 2014:

Great advice. I think every relationship at one point or another will have ups and downs, but all relationships are a lot of work. This hub is definitely helpful!

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Parrster, you make a compelling argument in favor of keeping the marriage together. Thank you so much for your contribution.

Richard Parr from Australia on April 14, 2014:

Great article MsDora. Always struck me that no one ever gets rid of their children using the incomparability argument. They love them unconditionally and put every effort into making it work. We need to adopt that attitude always toward our marriage partners. Voted up

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Sallybea, good to see you. You're right. It truly is a shame to see how much effort we put into less important issues. We need to get our priorities straight. Thank you for your input.

Sally Gulbrandsen from Norfolk on April 14, 2014:

MsDora - the cost of giving up is probably far greater than is the hard work required to keep a marriage together. It is just such a shame that so few people realize that divorce is the easy part, living with the pain of separation from one's children and a life together living as a family is a very painful choice indeed.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Ron, thank you for your wise input. Incompatibility is over-rated in its power to destroy marriage. I appreciate your affirmation.

Ronald E Franklin from Mechanicsburg, PA on April 14, 2014:

"They can, not because they become compatible; but because they make the effort to live happily despite their incompatibility." I love that! I don't think I've ever known a couple who were not "incompatible" in some major ways. So the issue is not the incompatibility - that's a given - but the commitment to make the effort to learn and change and adjust in the relationship. Good word!

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Thanks Devika. If no individual is perfect, then there will be no perfect couple.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Bill, thanks for your input. Sometimes starting the effort is the hardest part. Also, it might take less effort than a second relationship. It is worth the try.

Devika Primić from Dubrovnik, Croatia on April 14, 2014:

Incompatible says it all and I so agree no couple can perfect and your reasons are explained in detail.

Bill Holland from Olympia, WA on April 14, 2014:

Your suggestions are all good ones, Dora! It would take a ton of work to make such a marriage last, and a ton of willingness to do the work.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Jodah, I pray that those who need this advice will act on it. Marrige is precious.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Crayonbrains, thank you for your kind comment. Alwys hoping to be helpful.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Yes, Faith. The alternative to keeping your marriage is more heartache than giving up on it. Praying happiness for you in your marriage.

Dora Weithers (author) from The Caribbean on April 14, 2014:

Doc Purpose, thank you for affirming that point of maximizing the likes. All happiness to you and yours going forward!

John Hansen from Queensland Australia on April 14, 2014:

Very good advice MsDora. Thanks for sharing this. Voted up.

crayonbrains from The World Is Mine ! on April 14, 2014:

A very informative and helpful hub.It may help some to understand a lot about marriage and compatibility Thanks for sharing .

Faith Reaper from southern USA on April 14, 2014:

Wonderful hub here MsDora! You have presented great points to ponder when and if a marriage turns into an incompatible one, either gradually or all of a sudden for the reasons you stated. I believe marriage is worth fighting for and would try anything and everything to stay married, as I made that covenant before God so long ago.

Up and more and away!

Blessings for a lovely week

Yvette Stupart PhD from Jamaica on April 14, 2014:

This is an insightful article for married couples, with some wonderful suggestions. I really believe and practice magnifying the likes in my own marriage, this attitude makes such a difference. Thanks for sharing MsDora.