The “Should I Go or Should I Stay?” Relationship Checklist

Updated on March 14, 2018
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Dr. Billy Kidd researched romantic relationships for 15 years. He held focus groups in various cities across the nation.

You might have asked yourself if there is a scientific way to figure out whether you should go or whether you should stay in your current romantic relationship.

The answer is yes. The checklist below is based on new discoveries about how our biological systems create all the different feelings that hold our relationships together.

If you are confused or feel ambivalent, this checklist will give you a reasonable second opinion about whether you should hold on or whether you should leave.

Source

Print the article by using "print" post on your browser. Study each statement, and then mark a true [T] or a false [F] in front of each one, according to how it applies to your relationship.

  1. I trust my partner.
  2. I consider my partner to be one of my friends.
  3. I’d say my partner generally thinks about me without getting angry or jealous.
  4. I can talk about my ideas without my partner trying to shatter my dreams.
  5. Sometimes it feels rewarding just to be together.
  6. When I think about our relationship, I generally don’t get angry or jealous.
  7. My partner usually doesn’t criticize the way I spend money.
  8. Sometimes my partner looks excited when we meet.
  9. My partner is OK with discussing his or her personal problems with me.
  10. When I talk about my sexual needs, my partner usually gets it.
  11. I sometimes enjoy helping my partner.
  12. My partner has occasionally tried out new things when we are in bed.
  13. I can kick back, relax, and talk freely with my partner about the events of my day.
  14. I am generally satisfied when the sex is over.
  15. I usually think my partner does OK when it comes to spending money.
  16. My partner often seems to be content after we’ve had sex.
  17. My partner can kick back and relax when I’m around.
  18. I don’t gossip about our relationship all over town.
  19. Rather than holding it inside, my partner generally talks to me if there is a problem.
  20. After I get angry with my partner, I am able to cool off and let it go.
  21. My partner generally forgives my mistakes rather than constantly reminding me of them.
  22. We occasionally have our differences, but we don’t call each other names or fight in public.
  23. My partner seems to want me to achieve my goals.
  24. We don’t hit each other.
  25. I can discuss my personal problems with my partner without it becoming a big hassle.
  26. My partner generally loosens up after talking with me about stressful events.
  27. My partner will generally help me when I really need assistance.
  28. I don’t feel isolated, anxious, or depressed because of our relationship.
  29. It’s important to me that my partner succeeds in life.
  30. I would do it all over again because it’s hard to imagine being without my partner.

Count up how many times you answered true [T] to the statements above. The score you get will reflect how well you and your partner’s emotional needs are being met. Use the interpretive chart below to help you figure out what your score means:

Score
What It Means
25-30
Great Relationship—Keep it!
19-24
OK Relationship—Discuss this questionnaire with your partner.
13-18
Troubled Relationship—Counseling could make it work better.
7-12
Not-Really-Worth-It Relationship—Get ready for the breakup.
0-6
There Is No Relationship At All—It’s time to go

These categories represent different levels of general relationship functioning. Most people seeking help have scores that fall in the middle one—Troubled Relationship.

If your score fell into the OK Relationship category, you probably want to tune up your relationship in order to bring more excitement and meaning into your life. Choose a good time and talk things over with you partner. Start with just one thing you want to discuss.

If your score fell into the Not-Really-Worth-It Relationship category, it would seem that you are prone to get into big hassles when it comes to romantic relationships. Generally, when someone is in your position, they only know how to pick partners who create stressful and chaotic situations. If that is true for you, make an appointment with a relationship counselor or a professional psychologist. Take this list with you as a conversation starter. The point of seeking help is to learn more about yourself and to enhance the meaning of your own life. It’s time for you to work on you!

If you are feeling upset right now, call someone and talk over the issues that concern you.

This exercise might lead you to believe that it’s time to leave your partner. If you have children, remember to think about them first before you make any big changes. Whatever your situation, it’s important to realize that it takes two people to create a great relationship. You cannot change it and make it exciting and meaningful without your partner onboard.

If you’re actually getting ready to cut your partner loose, right now, here’s something to think about: You don’t have to put someone down or scold them in order to go. You can just leave.

Whatever your score and however you are feeling, please keep searching for ways to simplify, dignify, and enhance your romantic relationship. There's help everywhere. So don't stop now.

Whatever you do, remember that we are born to love and have relationships. It's instinctual. Yet sometimes people get mistreated growing up and take those bad habits with them into their love lives. This is why generations of families are dysfunctional. But today with all the information available, people do not have to go on making the mistakes their parents made. Yes, you can get help, and then move on and stop having disastrous relationship.

About the Author

Dr. Kidd wrote his doctoral dissertation on romantic relationships. He practiced as a psychotherapist for 20 years. Then he devoted his time to a relationship research company. He is author of the book Low Stress Romance. The book shows how to take the drama out of a romantic relationship.

Prior permission is granted to copy and use the text of this checklist in any clinical therapeutic setting with trained professionals. On copies, please note the copyright holder, Dr. Billy Kidd, and the Website URL where this is located. DO NOT POST THIS BLOG TO ANOTHER WEBSITE. But posting the URL link to this blog is OK.

© 2011 Dr Billy Kidd

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      Dr Billy Kidd 4 hours ago from Sydney, Australia

      TooAmbivalent,

      I was not notified about your post like what usually happens automatically. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner.

      Being in-love is selecting one person to be with. This is a instinctual reaction. The in-love obsessive phase passes in about 3 to 6 months.

      You're not in-love with this person. Rather you probably have either feelings of friendship where you treat each other as good friends. Or you feel like family. Or maybe you do not.

      You have to live in the present. Right now you feel ambivalent. That may never go away. You need to back off and slow down. Do not make decisions on a whim. This is someone you care about, true. But if you're feeling ambivalent this is no time to try and move the relationship forward and deeper.

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      TooAmbivalent 8 days ago

      Dr Kidd,

      Thanks for the great article. I score high with my bf of one year (26-27), but I'm concerned that the reason is more because we are both caring, mature, well-adjusted adults rather than the strength of our love for each other, and it's really hard for me to know whether to stay together. I haven't had that stage of falling in love with him (I have with a couple exes), but I do think we are compatible and we do love each other. I'm worried that I will always have these feelings of ambivalence and feel like I 'missed out' on falling in love with my life partner if we move forward together. What should I do? If I break up with him I might miss out on a life with an amazing person, but if I stay with him I feel like I might be plagued with these doubts and uncertainties for the rest of my life.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 2 weeks ago from Sydney, Australia

      Helen,

      That is an amazing story!

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      helen shawn 2 weeks ago

      After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all other ones out there. Anybody who need his help, should contact his email, DROGBEMUDIANSPELLHOME@GMAIL.COM.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 2 weeks ago from Sydney, Australia

      weirdvibes,

      When someone says constantly that you stress him out, don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for his feelings, he is. If he sulks in his room and skips work, you both need some space, some time apart.

      I say that for many reasons. He needs to deal with his own depression and you can't help him much on that. When desire and sexuality are gone, romance fades away.

      Don't think he is going to suddenly come around. Where his head is at it would take a long time to change.

      Maybe it's time for you to get a condo again for yourself. You need time on your own to figure out what you feel, what your career goals are, what kind of partner you really want. He is not cutting it right now and may never be the man you really want--the husband and caring father

      .

      Remember--you cannot change him. So think about what you said, that you have basically given up your life. It's time to be on your own and find your life again. Only then can you think about continuing your relationship with him.

      Dr. Kidd

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      weirdvibes 2 weeks ago

      Dear Dr. Kidd

      Thank you so much for your blog. I love reading.

      I scored 17 which seems right for what I am going through with my bf. Although a lot of the important questions I answered ‘T’ to however most of the sexual questions I answered ‘F’. We have been together for 1.5 years and I have always been a lot more sexual and affectionate that him. Recently we moved in together and I moved across the country to a new job, living in a huge house and having room-mates coming from owning my own condo living alone and basically giving up my life. Over and over I have tried to communicate that I need more intimate time together and we came up with a compromise and it (once again) was not happening. Along with this I decided after many complaints and discomfort that I could not deal with having roommates and I told him I was going to move out if we didn't get rid of them. He said that we could live alone and I felt excited.

      Recently he got a terrible cold and our basement flooded at the same time and now needs total reconstruction. He decided to start sleeping in another room (we also struggle to sleep together being both light sleepers which is a whole other issue). He started getting very frustrated, depressed (rightfully so) and complaining about how he doesn’t have any time to do his own thing, ever. My advice was to stop committing to so much and that he brings these issues on himself when he could easily simplify his life in many ways. Not the flooding, but he seems to ALWAYS have something on the go making him too busy to be affectionate or really stressed out.

      On the weekend I felt really frustrated and very upset and drank A LOT of wine and was very drunk (not the first time). I broke down screaming and crying and hit him multiple times across his body, said nasty things to him how he is a terrible sexual partner, would be an awful father and husband because if he can’t handle things now, how could he handle being a father! he said nasty things back and I broke up with him (second time doing this). The next day I regretted the entire thing feeling totally guilty and horrible. (I got very defensive during that fight and only slightly believe some of the things I said).

      After a long conversation we decided to take some space and he has been sleeping in a separate room and missing days of work, playing video games and clearly quite depressed. He says I am the one to stress him out and that I am the reason I don’t get sex as often as I want because I am a stress in his life and nagger and he can never make me happy because I will always find something new to complain about or drop all my emotions on him. I am now after everything taking most of the blame. I am trying to lighten things up, move forward but he just stays in this room most of the time depressed. I am so confused as to what to do so I am just leaving him alone to sulk in his man-cave. Is this a recipe for disaster and should I be leaving him or do I continue to work on making things better? It should be exciting moving in together, help!

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      Dr Billy Kidd 3 weeks ago from Sydney, Australia

      Hello CL,

      Yes you should feel confused, sad, grief stricken, hurt, and angry. Your boyfriend has made his emotional/work problems your problems. And that's no fun because you never know when he's going to break down again.

      You have to understand your boyfriend has a serious mental illness. Better communication between you and him is not going to make your problems go away.

      If I was you, I would break it off for a set period of time. That would give you some space to feel the freedom to work on your own issues and see what life is like without this madness. I know you don't want to hear that but you need a break from this craziness. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that the stressors in your relationship all relate to him.

      I say this knowing that you cannot help him straighten his life out. He needs a psychiatrist. Medications and talk therapy with a psychologist go hand in hand some times.

      My concern is with you. You really need a break for this madness. It has you all stressed out and your relationship is not going to be fulfilling until you both are more relaxed.

      Dr Kidd

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      CL 3 weeks ago

      Dear Dr Kidd,

      Thank you for this great article, I'm currently going through a tough patch in my relationship and it really helped give some perspective.

      However, I'm still feeling confused and would really like your thoughts on what I'm going through.

      I've been with my boyfriend for about 18 months. We score high on your questionnaire. However, the past 6 months have been really rough, and it started when my partner graduated from medical school and started working. Work has been really really tough for him with long hours and overnight shifts. One month into his job, he was diagnosed with MDD with symptoms of anxiety. He could hardly bring himself to go to work and he often felt like quitting. He eventually took a three month break, during which he got better, but when he resumed his work again things just starting deteriorating. He's been seeing a psychologist very regularly, and while he's trying to change, progress is slow and sometimes it seems like we're back to square one.

      I feel like his troubles with work has really affected our relationship, because it has been a large source of unhappines in my life. People around me tell me that it's because I love him that I hurt so much to see him struggle, but the hurt is real and intense for me. Perhaps it is also because of my perspectives of his troubles. I view them as a symptom of poor stress management and low resiliency in the face of adversity (because his mom tells me he struggled similarly in a previous episode before he met me, and also because many people go through the first few years of being a doctor without struggling as much). With this perspective, sometimes I really worry about our future and how he might react to future stresses. Which only adds to my grief and confusion over whether I should stay in this relationship.

      In addition, we very recently argued over a small matter. I left the house to get some space, but I made the mistake of not telling him I was leaving. He saw it as a rejection and he started to feel like he could never make me happy (I'm not very sure what exactly he was feeling, but this is my idea). In his desperation/anger, he tried to take his own life.

      He is physically fine right now, but yesterday he suggested taking a break from our relationship. He felt like he couldn't deal with the stress of our relationship in addition to his work. From my side, I actually don't agree with this point. I feel like the troubles in our relationship are very solvable with good communication, but I wanted to respect his choice so I agreed to the break.

      This is also actually not the first time that he self-harmed. He previously threw himself down the stairs during work. After that, he felt so guilty over his actions that he broke up with me over the phone. He called the next day to apologise and we got back together. I was very hurt by his actions, so we spoke about this issue with the therapist and he agreed not to take our relationship so lightly again.

      And right now, I'm feeling a mixture of many emotions. Sadness over the loss. Anger over the unfairness (I feel like he does not value our relationship as much as I do, and that he does not appreciate the things I do for him). Confusion over whether to stay in the relationship etc.

      Thank you for reading, if you have the time, I will really appreciate your thoughts on this.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 6 weeks ago from Sydney, Australia

      Alice,

      Many adults just don't feel the urge to take a relationship to the next level right away. They often feel like they are not fully an adult. Adulthood no longer has a set path or plan. It's subjective now. That's because it takes so much more time to feel one can take on the responsibilities of living together or getting married.

      You sound like you've had enough waiting. But don't feel alone. Even people living together feel uncertain about the future. It's a brave new world of love for so many people.

      So his hesitation may be about how he feels about himself and not about how he feels about you.

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      Alice 6 weeks ago

      I've scored very high, about 27-28, however one of the F's was I often feel depressed about our relationship.

      We are in a relationship more than two years, he is amazing, caring person and love him very much. However he wants to keep things as they are, doesn't want to bring our relationship to next level, as moving in together, marrying, creating fallmily. The idea of leaving him breaks my heart, but I don't see an other option.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 7 weeks ago from Sydney, Australia

      Garrick,

      You need to heal, with her or without her. You need to be with family and friends right now. Don’t run back to her, not when you’re hurting so much. It might only get worse. Try for a day not to dwell on your relationship. You’ve got to give your heart a break.

      She holds all the aces in this relationship as it currently stands. One day she wants to get together, and the next day she is unsure and wants to be alone. She’s in a flip-flop mood. To be with her now would only hurt you more.

      Your partner has a lot of things to sort out. This will take time. She also must be honest with you about why she left you in the first place. Regrettably, you have to wait until she is done sorting and invites you back.

      You just want to disappear, you say. Then do it a day at a time and wait for her to text you. And don’t let the 4 years you’ve been with her be the deciding factor. The time we spend in a relationship is always a learning experience. And maybe you have some sorting to do too.

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      Garrick Watson 7 weeks ago

      My girlfriend, after nearly four years of being in a committed relationship, felt dissatisfied enough that she started talking to and eventually left me for a guy she had only known for two months online. I really loved her and was, of course, devastated. She was my first date, my first kiss, my first time, my first real love. Since then she left the guy, and has been on and off with me over text for the past 3 weeks. Unfortunately when this all happened I attempted suicide and had to fly out to Mississippi to be with people who cared about and would take care of me, so I can no longer physically see her. She promised she wouldn't leave again, but has repeatedly been telling me she's "Unsure" and thinks she wants to be alone. She says she loves me and cares for me, and I'm offering her a sound future, the one she had asked me for in the first place. But she still seems unsatisfied with it, to the point of the only reason I found this site is because she was reading your forum. She repeatedly tells me she still loves and cares about me, and wants to be with me. And for me, she ranked extremely high, getting a perfect score on the above questionnaire. I'm unsure of what I should do, I care for her so much, more than I've ever loved anyone else, but she's jerking me around like a yoyo and i'm unsure of how to proceed. I want to be there for her, I want to take care of and love her, but I'm just not sure my heart can hold up. I've tried to communicate this with her repeatedly and she continues to reassure me it won't happen again each time, but then she's right back to being unsure and discontent. I know it's because I can't get her out here right now, and a text relationship isnt fulfilling, but I just have no possible way to fly her out for at least a month. How do I deal with this situation, how can I possibly keep her happy? I continue to pay her as much attention as I possible can, calling and skyping her, but even though she's happy during the video calls right afterwards she's even worse than she was before.

      I just want to disappear, I feel so useless and used but she's still my best case scenario as far as I can see, I've spent a lot of my life on her and don't want to give up just because she's making a couple of mistakes in the present...

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      Dr Billy Kidd 2 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Andrew,

      Your post leaves a lot of questions for me.

      When you say you would not do it again, does that mean it just was not worth it? No great memories? Little satisfaction today? You look back with regret?

      Are you staying in the relationship because you do not think you can find someone better?

      You say that desire has left you. What changed? Can you figure that out? Is it you that has changed or is it your partner or both of you that has changed? If that is it, remember partnerships take work to get through the changes.

      That leaves me wondering if you have any desire for women in general.

      You say you do not care much if your partner succeeds or not. Does that mean you do not care about what her goals are? Or have the two of you stopped communicating and you do not know what she desires in here life and her hope for you are?

      Remember, love and desire are actions. They propel us. If we do not keep up with it, we are in danger of losing it.

      As advice goes: you two would benefit from a vacation together where you explore something new. I say that because it sounds like you are going through the same old paces, with no new life coming into the relationship.

      You also might get a blood check to see if your testosterone level has dropped.

      I kind of get the feeling you want to leave this relationship. Do you want to live alone? The fact remains that regardless of what I say or what you do, some relationships have a time limit.

      If it were me, I would put some effort into communicating with my partner. And I'd take an interesting trip together. I'd also join a fitness center and work out. That raises ones desire for life and love.

      I'm left wondering if you are bored with her or with your life in general.

      I hope this gives you some new thoughts that might lead to new actions. I cannot say whether it is time to get up and move on.

      Dr. Billy Kidd

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      Andrew 2 months ago

      Dr. Kidd,

      I really appreciate that you continue to log on and answer questions. You also answer with genuine care. Thank you

      I scored very high. 27 out of 30, but I seem to have chosen [F] for the most important ones. I get a little depressed sometimes because our relationship, it honestly isn't too important that my partner succeeds, and I wouldn't do it all over again.

      On paper she is fantastic and I can't really complain. I guess my attraction to her has faded? I want someone new, but I feel it will be highly unlikely for me to find another person that will fulfill the criteria like she does.

      I'm not even sure what to ask. Stick through it, shes worth it? It's an issue I need to work out? Attraction is attraction and if its gone, its gone?

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      Dr Billy Kidd 2 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Emily,

      There are two stages to being in-love. The first is when you select a partner as the One and Only. That passes within 18 months. It’s a hormonal thing, both for men and women. Then in-love changes to feeling rewarded sometimes about being with your partner. And a person sometimes feels excited to see one’s partner—like when you meet someone coming in on a flight at an airport.

      If the partners did not move into the second stage of being in-love, the romance of partnership withers away. So people stop thinking about exploring the world together—doing new things together. Or doing romantic things. Nor do they care too much about one another’s future. That may be because the two of you do not feel like a family in a good way. You know, feel secure around each other. And you don’t kick back and relax together like two good friends. So the romantic things don’t come up.

      Remember, you cannot suddenly get your partner to move out of the relationship habits he has gotten into. So you probably have to take the partnership as it is or let it go.

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      emily foster 2 months ago

      I scored a 18. My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and we have a two year old.we argue all the time. He is emotionally detached but he says he loves me. Sometimes I feel like he is just with me until he finds someone else. When I tell him these things he says im acting insecure and I have noting to worry about. But he is never romantic with me and doesnt really go out of his way to make me feel special. I love him and I don't want to leave but I also dint anna waste my youth on someone who doesnt really love me.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 2 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Toospoiled??

      After you read my previous post maybe look at my article: Romance Without The Drama at

      https://pairedlife.com/love/kidd-love-code

      It explains the 5 independent feelings that create the way we love our partners. You are stuck on number 5: caring for your partner's future and fulfillment of his or her goals.

      I've met people who have no goals, but I do not understand them. It may be a way (or defense mechanism) to deal with today's you're-on-your-own society. Maybe your partner cares about you meeting your goals. Maybe he could under stand that one of your goals is to have a partner who works to fulfill his or her dreams. Maybe not. One of your goals is to have a goal-oriented partner. I'm sorry to say that this may be a deal breaker for you.

      And believe me, you are not spoiled. Women today do not settle for a partner as easily as they used to.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 2 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      TooSpoiled??

      It sounds like your boyfriend does not have the same drive for success as you have. Have you discussed this with him?

      I do not understand how someone can work hard but not have any goals to further his career. But that's because I'm goal oriented.

      Maybe ask him about his goals. If he says "no, l don't have any", ask him "why not?"--since he is working hard anyway. If the conversation gets this far, ask him about possible, achievable goals. You know, "trouble shoot" it with him.

      And then again, maybe he is too young or immature to understand: It's become a goal oriented world.

      What about fulfilling his dreams? Doesn't he have any?

      I'll think about this a little more, and get back to you if there is something I missed.

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      TooSpoiled?? 2 months ago

      I scored REALLY high. only 4 falses and even one one them was not really 100% false. He is just a great boyfriend, that loves me above everything, treats me great, is honest, loving and kind. Why am I not happy? I focus & get annoyed over little stupid things. And even though he is sometimes out of line and we fight, he usually just wants to apologize eventually and get back to being in love. His lack of goals and business drive are frustrating although he works super hard, he's not interested in advancing and thinks material wealth is unimportant. I'm not materialistic but its hard to feel safe about growing old with someone that only wants to do ok.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 3 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Hello xxx,

      He probably needs professional anger management training. It often works.

      Tell him that this is the end. If he hits you one more time you are leaving for good.

      Personally, I think you've taken enough abuse. I would go now. But the decision is up to you.

      Just remember, once more and you're leaving for good. Let him know you are very serious.

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      xxxx 3 months ago

      He hit me many times before in fight and after each time he apologized and said will change. When I tried to leave he said he will change. I see he puts effort in changing himself. But usually fails. And realizes after.

      I told him I want to leave but he begged me for 1 last chance.

      How much time should I wait before i conclude anything

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      Dr Billy Kidd 3 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Tootsieandnick52, you need to talk to your partner about his lack of communicating with you. Perhaps, couple's counseling would help.

      Also, it's possible he can't relax around you, doesn't feel like a family, doesn't feel rewarded sometimes just to be with you, and doesn't care about your future. That's the stuff of the second stage of in-love love.

      Dr Billy

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      Dr Billy Kidd 3 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Tootsieandnick52, you need to talk to your partner about how you feel. Perhaps couple's counseling would help.

      There is also a chance he is not in-love with you anymore. I'm talking about the second stage of in-love. That's where partners relax around each other, feel rewarded sometimes just to be around each other, feel like family, and care about each other's future.

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image
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      Dr Billy Kidd 3 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      First, it would be best if you talk to him about not communicating with you. Tell him how you feel. If he says he has nothing to say, remind him that you're in a relationship. Happy couples share their thoughts.

      Second, true social anxiety is a mental health issue. People with it are afraid in public and they often withdrawal. Find out if there is any place where he feels comfortable. If he has the real social anxiety, he could be helped by a psychiatrist.

      Was there a time when the two of you did communicate. If so, tell him you want to go there again.

      If I have more thoughts, I'll let you know.

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      tootsieandnick52 3 months ago

      only complain I have is that he has social anxiety and is very quiet at time. he doesnt communiciate unless i initiate....makes me feel insecure....not sure what to do

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      Dr Billy Kidd 3 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Shandia, yes being in-love can really hurt. When a person is dumped especially. This hurt happens because with in-love love a person has selected someone as the one and only among all the possible people. When that person leaves, it triggers an unconscious feeling that the person has died. That conflicts with the fact that the person is still alive and simply doesn't want you around no more. This creates an emotion mind funk.

      In today's world, people generally go through 2 or 3 of these. And like the song says, "The first cut is the deepest.

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      Shandia 3 months ago

      Love hurts

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      Dr Billy Kidd 4 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Anyone who wants ideas about a complex relationship can click on the "contact author" above. That way you can say more via an email to me.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 4 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Latrice, yes you must take care of your needs. So it was a good decision to leave your boyfriend.

      Stop thinking about it. Don't dwell on him. Make peace with your losing your mother. If it lingers, talk to some one about it.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 4 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Synthia, it took 12 days for me to be notified about your post to me. Sorry.

      If you know in your heart that your partner does not love you--it's time to leave for good.

      He will never change, not for you. It is his Love Style that stops him for doing anything else. What he does is a life long habit and way of living.

      Go. Don't Worry about him. He'll carry on.

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      LaTrice 4 months ago from Las Vegas, NV

      I just finished writing down the answers from the checklist and scored four points. I made the right decision by ending the relationship with my ex-boyfriend, because my needs were being neglected. It's a shame that he wasn't emotionally available when my mom passed away five months ago. I'm unable to forgive him for all of the heart ache that he put me through.

      I'm not going to lower my standards anymore. Those days are officially over.

      This is an excellent and informative article. Thank you so much for sharing, Dr. Kidd.

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      Synthia 4 months ago

      What would you suggest In a situation where.. I got a 4 and the only t's were some things that i do, but they werent full t's i just moreso fell to that side than the other. And ive tried to leave multiple times over the coarse of 3 years, I've been in this relationship for 8, and just don't feel.. loved I guess. Do you have any advice as to go about this? By me trying to leave and not being able to, I mean it's as if I'm not aloud to, because when I do they threaten themselves and I don't know what to do because I do care, but I also know I'm waiting my life caring for someone who obviously doesn't love me...

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      Dr Billy Kidd 11 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Swasp, thanks for the ideas in your comment.

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      swasp 11 months ago

      I find your checklist to be quite helpful towards my issues at hand but quite moving towards your on point analysis of character and the choices made.

      Thank you for doing this.

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      Ebonny 14 months ago from UK

      A great read. I like that you emphasised that there doesn't have to be masses of destructive drama and that a person can choose to simply leave without additional, unnecessary negativity.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 14 months ago from Sydney, Australia

      Thanks, k,nn!

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      Dr Billy Kidd 3 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Buddy, sorry it took so long to respond. But your kind response did not come up on my comments list until now.

      This post follows scientific guidelines. That's why it looks honest. I wrote what the research said, putting it into a checklist format. So, it's not about me. So many writers are really writing about what they think, coming from their past romantic experiences. This is quite different, following not what I think but what I learned from the research on romantic relationships.

      Thanks again.

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      Buddy 3 years ago

      I was struck by the honsety of your posting

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      Dr Billy Kidd 3 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Thanks, crissalina! Yes, sometimes we have to walk away from a relationship.

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      crissalina 3 years ago

      relationships have to bring out the best in us. staying in a relationship that doesn't offer emotional support, satisfaction can have a strong negative impact on how you perceive yourself. sometimes it's better to walk away eve if hurts. great advice dr. kidd

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      Derrick Bennett 5 years ago

      Great hub, relationship is helping each become even more happy than they already are

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      Carla Dominique 5 years ago from Philippines

      I'll try applying some in my situation. thanks for sharing.

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      cbpoet 5 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

      Post divorce- I have to agree with your checklist. They are essential to a healthy, long lasting marriage or divorce ..

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image
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      Dr Billy Kidd 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this. But I was thinking, we not only carry toxic relationships behaviors from partner to partner, but it's a family thing. Toxic relationship behaviors handed down from generation to generation. That's why it takes so much work to get one's head above water sometimes.

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      Dr Billy Kidd 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Thanks. A lot of work went into making the check list line up with what goes on inside of us.

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      patricia bubash 6 years ago

      Excellent suggestions, Dr. Kidd- So very true, that rather than learning from those relationships that were negative, toxic, dissatisfying, we carry over our "stuff" into the next relationship. On to the next relationship without taking time to examine, assess, evaluate the contribution you made, will lead to more failure. Again, insightful writing.

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      Alexander Thandi Ubani 6 years ago from Lagos

      Great hub. I concur with your reasoning

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