Casual Relationship - How Do I Tell Him I Want More?
"Help! I'm too afraid to tell him I'm falling for him because I don't want to lose him!"
I've been in this situation before. A lusty casual relationship, where he'd call and come and spend the night about every second week, or I'd stay over at his place. Our nights of passion were always planned to start after dinner time as we never went out on proper dates and were rarely out in public together. I didn't see him much in the daylight. This is because we were just 'lovers'. We had an 'open relationship' - or you could call it 'friends with benefits' - because, he - not me, was involved in other ongoing casual relationships.
It suited me just fine for a while, because I'd come out of a long term relationship with a man who was seriously and constantly trying to pressure me into getting married to him. I was only 20 and didn't feel ready. When our relationship ended I just wanted something casual, and to have some fun, I wasn't ready to get serious again with anyone. I was relieved to be single, and actually happy to find someone sexy who didn't want a serious relationship. No pressure, no strings attached, his company was like a delicious treat that I had in my life. Our affair lasted several years.
We had long conversations at home over candle-light, snuggling together on the couch. We sat up late laughing. We went skinny dipping. We had many nights of passion and pleasure. But I started to want and need more. Over time I began to see him as my 'boyfriend' although he never took me out on a 'proper' date and he was never there on special occasions like Christmas Day or at my Birthday party. I started to feel disappointed about these things, and I didn't know how to approach him about it. So I just didn't say anything. I couldn't find the courage to tell him I'd fallen in love with him. I hoped one day he would tell me.
But something else happened. Another girl he was dating was braver than me. She told him how she felt about him and that she was no longer willing to continue a casual relationship with him. She said she was not willing to 'share' him and she wanted a more serious relationship with him. He respected that. He wanted someone to love him. He also wanted to keep seeing her so he ended his relationship with me in order to do so. I had never told him how much I loved him. He truly didn't know about all the feelings I'd kept secret. He didn't know he broke my heart. He thought we were just 'casual'.
So from my experience, my advice to anyone in this situation would be to find a way to tell him how you really feel - Let him know, no matter how scary it might seem. And try to say it directly to him, not via text message or email, let him you really mean it. You have a right to your feelings and much more to lose if you don't tell him, but if you've kept your feelings hidden from him up until now also bear in mind that it could come as a shock to him, since your relationship has only been casual up to now. So, after you've told him try to give him some time and space to think about what you've said so he can make up his own mind about it.
Another way to go about it would be to say something subtle to him about how you feel you're developing stronger feelings for him than what you originally had, and just see what his reaction is, at the least it might get you talking about where you really stand with each other.
I've learned you lose more when you never tell the person you love how you feel, so you really need to find a way to overcome your fear of communicating your feelings to him.