"Help! I'm too afraid to tell him I'm falling for him because I don't want to lose him!"
I've been in this situation before. A lusty casual relationship, where he'd call and come and spend the night about every second week, or I'd stay over at his place. Our nights of passion were always planned to start after dinner time as we never went out on proper dates and were rarely out in public together. I didn't see him much in the daylight. This is because we were just 'lovers'. We had an 'open relationship' - or you could call it 'friends with benefits' - because, he - not me, was involved in other ongoing casual relationships.
It suited me just fine for a while, because I'd come out of a long term relationship with a man who was seriously and constantly trying to pressure me into getting married to him. I was only 20 and didn't feel ready. When our relationship ended I just wanted something casual, and to have some fun, I wasn't ready to get serious again with anyone. I was relieved to be single, and actually happy to find someone sexy who didn't want a serious relationship. No pressure, no strings attached, his company was like a delicious treat that I had in my life. Our affair lasted several years.
We had long conversations at home over candle-light, snuggling together on the couch. We sat up late laughing. We went skinny dipping. We had many nights of passion and pleasure. But I started to want and need more. Over time I began to see him as my 'boyfriend' although he never took me out on a 'proper' date and he was never there on special occasions like Christmas Day or at my Birthday party. I started to feel disappointed about these things, and I didn't know how to approach him about it. So I just didn't say anything. I couldn't find the courage to tell him I'd fallen in love with him. I hoped one day he would tell me.
But something else happened. Another girl he was dating was braver than me. She told him how she felt about him and that she was no longer willing to continue a casual relationship with him. She said she was not willing to 'share' him and she wanted a more serious relationship with him. He respected that. He wanted someone to love him. He also wanted to keep seeing her so he ended his relationship with me in order to do so. I had never told him how much I loved him. He truly didn't know about all the feelings I'd kept secret. He didn't know he broke my heart. He thought we were just 'casual'.
So from my experience, my advice to anyone in this situation would be to find a way to tell him how you really feel - Let him know, no matter how scary it might seem. And try to say it directly to him, not via text message or email, let him you really mean it. You have a right to your feelings and much more to lose if you don't tell him, but if you've kept your feelings hidden from him up until now also bear in mind that it could come as a shock to him, since your relationship has only been casual up to now. So, after you've told him try to give him some time and space to think about what you've said so he can make up his own mind about it.
Another way to go about it would be to say something subtle to him about how you feel you're developing stronger feelings for him than what you originally had, and just see what his reaction is, at the least it might get you talking about where you really stand with each other.
I've learned you lose more when you never tell the person you love how you feel, so you really need to find a way to overcome your fear of communicating your feelings to him.
This article is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge. Content is for informational or entertainment purposes only and does not substitute for personal counsel or professional advice in business, financial, legal, or technical matters.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 30, 2014:
Hi anh, Thanks for your comment. Wow! I could totally relate. Sometimes time apart, which is what you've had, allows you to see things more clearly. There is a chance that you both couldn't connect on an emotional level allowing your relationship to progress into something more serious. But it is not too late to let your feelings be known. But the problem is you would need to be able express yourself in a conversation with him directly. It is likely to catch him off guard if you do this, so I suggest you simply say that time apart from him has made you realize your feelings, explain them, and then give him time and space to think about what you said. In other words, tell him truthfully how you feel and what you want, keep it fairly brief and straight forward and then leave it up to him to decide what he thinks of the idea. Staying "friends" does no put you in a good position, you want to be adored by someone who can't live without you, nothing less. Good luck :)
anh on March 27, 2014:
Hey I'm in a similar situation. We were very causal for 2 years, same as you. Just seeing each other at night, no birthdays etc. I never told him how i felt either. I know he wasn't seeing anyone and would always think that i was. Whenever he wanted me to communicate with me i would shut down and not be able to talk as i was afraid he would reject me and would hang out with me less (we only saw each other once a week). Anyways about 2 months ago he ended it with me saying he's not ready but we can still be friends and not force the hang outs. I was ok for a while but now i just want to tell him exactly how i feel about everything and explain how i felt. He hasn't contacted me at all though so I'm even more scared to say something now after its been so long. Im just not sure if i should or not. I'm so confused and i really like him a lot and want to be with him but i also don't wanna chase after someone who doesn't want to be with me. Its just such a confusing situation and i hate thinking about it all the time!
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 19, 2014:
Thanks for your question Hey, It's great that you're officially a couple now. Only time will tell you if his intents are genuine. Of course you know just because you've decided to be bf/gf it does not mean it's ok to put pressure on you for a more physical relationship. That will only stress you out. Trust your instincts on this. And communicate your need for things to flow naturally, without pressure and stress because a new relationship can sometimes end before it gets serious when getting to know eachother sometimes it happens that you're not as compatible as you thought in the beginning... And sometimes it you find yourself falling deeply into something lasting. Just enjoy being a new couple spending some quality time together now sharing sports and hobbies and fun outdoor activities together and keep your guy up to speed with how you're feeling. If he's a good one he'll come through for you. Good luck :)
Hey on March 18, 2014:
Thanks for your reply.
Wish I could msg you privately though. Because, here everyone can see this comment. Anyway,
I've been dating someone for more than 2months and spending a lot of time in his place at weekends also we went out a lot in the daytime too. But, we haven't slept yet so we are not like a FWB apparently.
------ I was going to talk about that "i want more" thing" but its sorted so, now I got something else on my mind.------------------
Well actually a few days ago we became a bf/gf (I told him I wanted to be official) . But then, he said like " Since we became a bf/gf, we have to do other things" and it sounded like I have a "duty". I want things to flow naturally without any duty or force. Maybe is that his purpose?
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 12, 2014:
Hey! Thanks for your message you can post anonymous here about your situation I'll happily reply.
Hey on March 11, 2014:
Hi thanks for good Hub, stricktlydating.
I read this Hub accidentally and I've found I have a similar problem but not exactly the same..it is a relationship. well.. I don't think it's FWB at all.. but Can you help me? I want to talk to you privately.. but I don't know how.. I really need your advice..
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on August 12, 2013:
Yes I agree with you, and I'm sorry your heart is hurting. I know it doesn't seem fair. But if you stick with your realisation of what you really want, there is a chance you will get it. If not with him, with someone else, and it's good to know where you both stand now, rather than later when there is more attachment and entanglement involved. You seem like a wonderful, strong person and I wish you all the best in life and love. Thank you for sharing your story for others to read on this page too.
betruecolore on August 09, 2013:
Hi, great hub.
I'm just experiencing the same situation. We met two weeks ago and started to meet at night time having dinner together at my place and watching TV shows, sometimes he stayed over the night. After being single for years, I really want a serious relationship and I can't do "casual" thing because I'm afraid I would develop any attachment to him. Last night, he was straight to me that he is just looking for fun, he's so broken after several serious relationships, and each one taught him a lesson that he is happier without a relationship and miserable within a relationship, he doesn't want to be with any one. I cried but I understand. We agree to be still friends. but I know I need some time to wrap up my feelings even though how much I want to tell him that I won't do anything to hurt him and just want to be with him together for future.But I guess I have to let him go. How sad it is. when people come into your life and walk way. but we have to let them go if they are not meant to be with you. My heart is hurting.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on December 08, 2012:
Hi Jamie Brock, thank you so much for sharing your experience on this topic, and I agree it's funny how life works! And yes, it could feel quite daunting sharing your feelings at first but it is the best thing you can do for yourself!
Jamie Brock from Texas on December 07, 2012:
This is the reason I've found it hard to have a "casual" sort of relationship. For me, when I start spending time and being intimate with someone, I naturally form an attachment to that person. I've never been able to do the casual thing... I have been in a position where I did the same as you and I became attached and then all the sudden he pulled away.. not because of someone else but because I made it clear that I wanted more. It was devastating to me but I'm glad it happened because I was able to get on with my life and spend my time and energy with someone who actually felt the same way about me. It's funny because the person I am speaking of, we are still close friends but I can't understand what I ever saw in him as far as romance and wanting a commitment ..LOL! It's funny how life works sometimes. Another great hub.. thank you for sharing your experience and I totally agree with your advice :) It's always best to let your true feelings be known even if it means rejection. It won't feel good at first but in the long run, it's the best thing to do.
miss.XYZ on July 04, 2012:
you r really good at advising ppl
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on April 12, 2012:
I'm hearing you and certainly know how you feel. And the resentment you're starting to feel is because you're realising he's not treating you the way you want to be treated. You might eventually get to the point where you really see something else for yourself and so you'll end it. Though, you could be in with a chance if you tell him he may be enjoying things the way they are, but unfortunately you're not. You have a "Non-boyfriend" and can only break from this rut with him if you insist on making changes and begin telling him about your current feelings regarding resentment (Including him not being around on special occassions). Sounds like you love him so hopefully he'll step up to the mark!
watermelon on April 11, 2012:
I loved this piece i relate to it in every way, I'm in the exact same position It's been nearly a year and it is very casual and i do honestly believe i am falling in love but the thing is me and him have had this chat he said that he likes me but enjoys how things are. personally its reached the point im starting to resent him because i feel like were boyfriend and girlfriend but he has never taken me on a date or been there for birthdays, christmas etc. hes only really here at night. I do love him but i feel like hes taking my kindness for weakness. :'(
Btw you seem very strong keep it up x
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on April 02, 2012:
Hi So Lost, Thankyou for your message and sharing your story and circumstances. I've published a lengthy response to your question and I hope it helps you. Due to the size of your message and my response it has it's own page. You can view it here: https://stricktlydating.hubpages.com/hub/Relations...
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 19, 2012:
I think you knew what he was all about the first time around, oops! This time it looks like he's done it again. Afterall it's been a week now. It's a shame he's like that with you. You could be very clear about what you're looking for at this point in your life if you do hear from him, but if not, I'd say he'll be left in the same category he was in 6 years ago with you.
paula2010 on March 18, 2012:
hi i was seeing a guy 6 yrs ago and we broke up after a short time as i belived he only wanted me for one thing now a weeek ago we meet up again and we spent nite together last nite now im missing him im not sure if it be same thing alll over again or more then that
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 17, 2012:
I'm hearing you 'scared' but why not just tell him you're afraid of losing him by saying it but you're enjoying his company so much that you've realise you've developed feelings for him? If you don't ask for what you want you might not get it. Goodluck!
scared on March 17, 2012:
It's really nice being able to read this and feel like you're not alone.
I've been in a casual relationship with a guy who lives near me for about 2 months now.
We actually met whilst drunk, and he ended up coming back to mine, but since then we've been meeting up quite frequently.
We meet up about 2 or 3 times a week, and usually hang out in the evenings/at night, and I get along with him so well. Our personalities are so similar, and I can stay with him for hours doing absolute rubbish and still have a lovely time.
By the end of the first month of meeting, I sort of mentioned the topic of ''what are we'' and he made it clear that it was just a casual thing at the moment, but then said ''we'll just see how it goes'' - but i think that was just to comfort me.
About 2 months have passed, and I'm getting really, really strong feelings for him but I am absolutely terrified of sharing my feelings with him in case it scares him off, as I can't bare the thought of losing him, even if it means just carrying on the casual relationship with him.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 03, 2012:
The best you can do to encourage him to be more romantic is to be honest about what you do and don't want, but then just leave it, don't push the issue further and give him time to think about what you said. If he wants to continue to spend more time with you he'll know he'll have to step up to the mark with you. If you never tell him about your standards then he may just feel happy to continue what you've been doing, whereas you will not be. Romance may come with time, getting to know eachother better doing fun activities together out of your dorm, that's why I suggested if you could organise to spend some time with him on a day trip or doing a sport together. You could also plan a picnic, day to the beach or mountains etc, make your time spent with him outdoor daytime activities as it keeps things real and will give you memories to share which you may be able to build your new relationship with. Keep open about your feelings. You could better do this by trying to resist sending him an sms asking why he didn't cuddle you etc but by telling him how it made you feel when you see him next or are speaking on the phone. For example during a conversation with him you might say something along the lines of "I really had a great day with your company last night, I just felt a bit awkward before you left because I like to have a cuddle before you go". Stating things this way rather than a text asking him why he didn't cuddle will work in your favour, as he's not being accused of anything, but he's being told what you like. The point is to give some hints and encouragement! Hope this helps and is worth a try! Best wishes!
confused on March 02, 2012:
I'm not sure how to make him put effort into romancing me. Am I supposed to just be upfront about it?
confused on March 02, 2012:
We haven't skyped since we got back after our "break".
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on March 02, 2012:
It would probably be easy to 'revive' the chemistry with him, just lay off skype for a few days, and don't do it every day, because it sort of makes your relationship voyeristic and mostly online. Sometimes just talk on the phone so that no matter what you talk about, he's not checking out what you're wearing etc like he can on skype (More focus on proper conversation, it gives him time to miss seeing you, with Skyping every day it's like having an internet relationship, and you want a real world relationship not that)... I really feel for you because of the text he sent you which implies nothing about you - it just seems to say he does not want to cuddle you because he's not feeling like that with you ): So I would not get intimate with him until he's feeling cuddly feely with you, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for disapointment. He will let you know if he decides to step up and treat you better in order to continue to spend time with him if you stand your ground on how you want to be treated without being dramatic about it. Just be confident about saying what feels right for you and leave it because it gives him time to think about what you say. It seems like he's not putting in an effort to romance you, he is treating you like FWB and you don't have to let it be that way, nor do you have to stress him over it, just be casual in stating what you are not comfortable with and leave it at that, but you could still ask him to do other activities with you so you still have his company and your relationship can develop (If it's going to) on a different level. for example you might feel comfortable about doing a sport together or taking a day tour, something like that where you can be carefree and have fun, and learn to communicate with eachother better, before having him back in your dorm again. Taking a step back for a little while to change the relationship dynamics is probably your best bet with him. Hope this helps!
confused on March 01, 2012:
Can you help me with my situation?
I have been facebook friends with this guy for about 3 years (He just turned 24, and I just turned 22). In October, we started talking on facebook chat again because I had problems with these two guys that I liked. I found out later that he was having relationship problems with his girlfriend as well. We met up a week since talking on facebook, and his girlfriend dumped him over text. We then set up 2 more dates for him to help me bake for a school event and another time to help me shop. The time after shopping we had coffee at my school cafe and then we went to my dorm, and one thing led to another and I lost my virginity to him. Since then we've been skyping everyday for two months and everything was great. At the end of December, I brought up the subject of me feeling used and I had an emotional break down, which caused him to think that a relationship is not what he wanted since his gf dumped him.
We took about a month break because he said he needed space. We got back together at the end of January and after two weeks of having sex (once a week), I texted him that it seemed like we were just friends and that I didn't want to be in a FWB relationship. He texted me back saying he thought I was more relaxed and would let things fall into place naturally. I approached him on skype a few days later and said the same things. He dumped me when i stressed him out too much, which caused me to ask him to give me one more chance and that I'm not usually a stressful person. He eventually did give me another chance. So we're back together. He then told me that his relationships usually start out purely physical and then it leads to something more because the girl usually wants something more.
Yesterday, I texted him asking him why we never cuddle and if we could cuddle more, to which he replied and said that "the feeling has to be back for cuddle". I think he means that his feelings for me were gone after i stressed him out so many times about him being a bad bf, etc.
Can you analyze my situation and tell me if you think it could work out? and if it's possible for "the feeling" (i'm guessing the spark/chemistry) to be revived?
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on January 16, 2012:
That's some great advice Justsayingit, thanks for commenting here.
tryingtogetsomelove on January 16, 2012:
We are both married to partners who rejected us. But both oaps with family and not sure that after 40 years of marriage we can up sticks. Also we have both got others and lack of trust means that hampers it. But after a long time we feel soulmates. But we would like more but it is not easy. When you are older you get set in your ways. It is not possible to take a leap in the dark. Yes if our respective partners dumped us. It is hard to risk losing your home, money and family. I guess we are not that into each other enough. But we do think a lot. At one time I was in love with him but it went away and changed when I found out he was two timing. Now I am not in love with him but getting over someone else. I value the attention I get. But it feels hollow. But it helps me to feel valued in one sense and in another it does not.
justobservingit on January 16, 2012:
You know reading all this stuff it occurs to me that if a guy really loves someone he will treat her right whatever the situation because it is actions not words that count. When women are not treated right it means he is just not that into you. What ever you said would not have changed that. If you are not what he is after. He will do whatever it is that you want because he wants you so much. Hopefully you will see it in time before he gets fed up and goes elsewhere and gets second best as he gives up. But sometimes it takes that losing something to make you think that what you had is what you wanted when it is not there. A lot of it is timing. If you are not in a place where you are open. Then there is the do you need to have it all or is some of it good enough. For instance you might have the chemistry and not the companionship or visa versa. And you want it all. But can't have it all. Or you have the emotional chemistry but not the physical chemistry. In France they have one woman for family, another for sex and one for intellectual. Ideally you want all three. But these relationships seem to go through the stages. Sometimes the honeymoon stage never happens, sometimes the relationship goes back to front.
justsayingit on January 16, 2012:
Have you done something about it and taken the advice given? Just saying because I can imagine you are maybe in a horrid place because of kids u may be fond of too.
Years ago when I was very some jerk tried to get me to do this and I told him where to get off smarly and thought what a cheek he had. But I know as you get older that somehow that confidence seems to not last and lack of self worth and confidence stops you. But you need to tell yourself you are worth more than that. You are not some one to be used and abused. You are a kind, caring person worthy of all that is going. If you have let yourself go I urge you to get yourself into shape so that you can get to a place where you can appreciate yourself enough to feel that there is something more out there. Plan your escape. Make yourself very lovely on the outside so you are as good there and on the inside. Get that confidence to show that jerk that someone else will like you. Then you will see there is an alternative. You are not responsible for those kids. They are not your responsibility. Leave him and he will have to pick up the bits or at least charge him for your services and get someone else. Show him that you are not his property. Show him what he has lost. He needs to see the result of his behaviour not to encourage his bad behaviour by condoning it. Let some other idiot do his bidding for nothing and not you. Listen to advice. You need to heal. You need to pamper yourself. Go get some attention and love yourself. You are worthy. You are not a dogsbody. You need to love yourself. Buy yourself some nice things - all the things he is not buying you.
Then someone else will hit on you when you look your best. Hopefully someone who will appreciate you if you value yourself and not let yourself be used again unless you are treated properly.
Get your self respect back. Go and find some friends that will listen to you and go to a women's group where others are in the same boat so you can support each other. You don't need this jerk.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on December 08, 2011:
Your instincts are right. He is using you ;(
He gets his own personal driver, cook and washing lady, and added bonus of sharing a bed too.
In return he denies anything between you other then friendship and refuses to even cuddle!
So tell me, what is it that he HAS got going for him?
Personally, I could not stand being a 'slave' to a man and with one that refuses affection and denies our relationship. You are definitely in a relationship with him, and it is disfunctional, because of him.
He's not appreciative. Especially not of your needs.
What you need to do is tell him how you've "Started to feel" (About how confusing it is to share a bed with him when you're alone but not cuddle and how he calls you a friend when you feel you do more that what a girlfriend would do for him). After you've told him how you feel, tell him WHAT YOU NEED in order to continue to feel good in his company. Just be straight forward and calm, and stick to your guns. You may lose him if he will not get his act together and show you some dignity and respect, but you can't go on the way you are - being used ;(
Hope this helps! You deserve to be treated so much better.
Nessaj on December 07, 2011:
I have a friend that I'm so in love with, he's a single father and has been raising his 2 kids since they were little. Very hard working man he's 34 and is currently leaving with me for the past 2 months even thou he has his own apartment his license is suspended for 5 month. Since he can't be driving I drive him to and from work take his 2 kids to and from school take him lunch everyday. Pick up and drop off his youngest child every other day. He has custody of his 2 oldest a girl n a boy 11 yrs n 10 yrs old n has joint custody of his youngest she's 2. I do so much for this guy that everybody thinks were together. When people ask him or say your girlfriend his reply is "she's not my girlfriend. She's my friend" i have 4 kids 12, 11, 6, and 4 so i got 6 kids with his here at my house that i keep up with. Including him. I wash, clean, cook, get the kids ready every day, drive, i buy my kids n his kids clothe constantly, I buy him clothe I iron and everything were a family and I love it but I'm scared to let him know how I feel. He has never had anybody do everything I do for him or his children. we both sleep on the same bed we have sex we call each other babe when were alone. He tells his family and kids were just friends. I want a relationship this is what I want the man kids house cars and all. Sometimes I feel that I'm being used. I scared to really tell him how I feel because I really love him and don't want to loose him if I tell him my true feelings. We don't cuddle cause he tells me "don't start getting all these feelings" we don't kiss or do anything while his kids, his family, my family r around. I don't know what to do?
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on December 07, 2011:
Hi Tiswos, It's quite a journey that relationship has taken you on. Thanks for sharing your story and I was so happy to read at the end that you are standing your ground because you don't want to be second best. Have you told him this is the reason for the no contact? I hope you were able to express those thoughts to him. I know you wish you'd spoken up earlier about your feelings, but it seems you were in a complicated situation at the time. Hoping wonderful things come your way.
tiswos on December 06, 2011:
I was in a relationship after being upset my previous affair was going nowhere when he went with someone else.
My marriage was dead. He was married at the time then she died. I supported him and he said he loved me but before I could think straight he would not wait and someone else came on to him when her husband dumped her and she grabbed him telling him she loved him. So he did not tell me and two timed me. When I fell in love with him he said he had changed his mind. He lied to me and went on hols with her and only told me when she found out he was texting me and she forced him to give me up so he had to confess. I was devastated and sick. I thought we had something special.
4 months later she dumps him and he is devastated so he tries to get back with me only I am too wary and guess he will just get back and anyway could not trust him ever.
I was just going to see how it went and he just does get back with her. But she does not want a commitment now as she is dating on line and says just see how it goes so he wants to be friends with benefits only keep having it off with her which I can't take so I am refusing and saying no contact as I don't want to be second best it is is too painful as is contact. I need to get over it but it is so hard and feel empty and wished I had spoken earlier when he first said he had feelings but then I was not sure.
WorkingOnMe on December 02, 2011:
Hey stricklydating, I appreciate your insightful comments! It's easy to say take a stand and express how you feel but it's hard when it's someone you really care about. I too feel like I am going in circles this person but I also care too much to let it go, essentially.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on November 21, 2011:
Hi WhatsItAllMean, Thanks for sharing your current situation, I know exactly where your coming from. It's great that you've been able to tell her how you feel, and you seem like quite a catch! The thing is if you don't take a stand on what you want with her - Tell her that you can't do the friends with benefits thing any more, and why, and then back off then you are most likely going to be going around in circles with her, and end up hurt in the end as she goes off on other dates etc. Remember someone else she gets involved with could take this stand before you do, and you don't want that to happen. It would involve making it clear about what you want and how you feel and then leaving the relationship, with the hope she will come around on her own accord. I wish you good luck!
Whatsitallmean on November 21, 2011:
Great Hub! I just ran across it googling random relationship stories.
Ive had virtually no luck in aquiring a girlfriend. I try to go out and be active but Im not a guy who's going to go clubbing every week. Im just hoping Ill find the perfect woman at a concert, park, mutual friend what have you... But no luck.
Im now at the point where Im staring 30 in the face. Scary stuff I know. :)
So Ive had 1 somewhat longterm relationship. It started casual, I developed feelings, after a year or so it fell apart. That was 5 years ago and have had nothing more than the occasional date every 4 months or so that goes no where.
I get a random invite from a buddy to an event and I meet a seemingly amazing woman. We start seeing each other and after about the second or third date, she informs me that she wants to keep things casual. She just recently got out of a long term thing and wants to date and play the field. Though, she also wants to continue to see me and sex is all fine and dandy but doesn't want anything serious. I said yea, yea, yea, Im cool with whatever. Foolishly hoping that my boyish good looks and charm could win her over.
But now here I am. It's been 2 months, Im starting to develop feelings because we've been hanging out every weekend and Ive pretty much put myself in a friends with benefits situation I feel. Which is the last thing I want.
It just makes me question everything. Why would life put this amazing person in my life, give me some amazing perks(amazing time together), and then say "no soup for you". Soup I guess being a real relationship in this case.
She knows how I feel. Ive told her since that I think she's the best thing since sliced bread. Of course I got the old "im not ready yet, lets see what happens".
Yet Im faced with continuing to see her, most likely fall for her within the next 6 months and get totally crushed. Or the other stellar option of tell her now that I cant do the friends with benefits thing anymore because of my feelings and lose the best female companionship Ive had in 5 years....
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on October 09, 2011:
It doesn't sound like you're desperate at all. You're out there dating and good for you! When you meet the right person, it often will just come together easily, but if it's not that way, you need to tell them your feelings if you want a chance to take the relationship further. I think it's great that you told the guy you're seeing that you're into him, but then you've back tracked when he said he didn't want anything serious, that was your opportunity to stand firm with yourself about your feelings and give him time and space to absorb what you'd said, not apoligise to him for telling him how you feel, that's the part which will stop you from moving forward in relationships. Just saying from my own experience because I was just like you in the past, thinking I had to apologise for sharing my feelings. Think about it and it doesn't make sense. Best wishes ;)
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on October 09, 2011:
Thankyou for your comment. No, you don't have to stay away from him but I guess the point is to find a way to tell him how you feel and then give him time to think about what you've said.
lola on October 09, 2011:
Hi, can I firstly just say, great hub, really honest and insightful, but even though the answer is staring from the right there from the laptop screen why do I not get it.
I mean I do get it but I cant seem to live it.
My major problem is that I start the pursuit of a relationship with sex, I tell myself I dont want anything serious, I just want something casual, but I think I really do it just as a means to get that affection and comfort I crave.
I always think ( hope ) that the person will develop feelings for me, I've been in this situation a few times, but It never works out in my favour... Either it fizzles out, or I tell them I want more and they get scared and back off.
But its my fault right? Because they told me from the start they didn't want anything serious and I agreed with them.
I'm really upset now. What is wrong with me why do all men only want me for sex.
Recently had been seeing a guy, then one drunken night I admitted I was getting attached and he said he couldn't have anything serious, so the next day I text him apologising and saying I didn't mean to be intense and i'm ok with continuing to see him casually if he still wants to.
This is sounding desperate, How is it looking to you guys I would really appreciate feedback.
physician-jobs02 from Garden City, Georgia on October 07, 2011:
I am into the same situation. Upon reading this, I was crying. I could feel the pain. :( Do I have to stay away from him?
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on October 03, 2011:
Hi Peanut, great to have an update from you! Wow!
Peanut on October 02, 2011:
Right, so i didn't expect him to contact me..this morning (a week later), he gets in touch asking to meet up. I turned him down and suggested for him to meet his sister..he saw the funny side but still asked to meet up. I was clear and direct and told him he needs to find a new friend.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 29, 2011:
Hi Peanut, It's nice to hear from you again, sorry you were feeling a bit low, but glad you're feeling better now. It's disappointing that his reaction wasn't more positive! There is a chance he'll come around and contact you within the next few weeks, but at the moment I think you're doing the best thing you can do for yourself by deleting the number and keeping busy with work. You sound like a women with a great attitude and it's too bad he's missing out at the moment!
Peanut on September 28, 2011:
Sorry for bombarding you with updates...I have deleted his number and haven't heard from him. I don't expect to either to be honest.
I was feeling a bit low but am over it (makes me wonder, I problably didn't like him as much as I thought I did) especially with work keeping me really busy!
Thanks for your insight! Will join up soon!
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 27, 2011:
Hi Natural Solutions, that's great, it's lovely to have your feedback!
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 27, 2011:
Hi Peanut, Nice to hear from you again. Well, if he really does feel like you are 'brother and sister' in your relationship, I guess that means he wants to keep the relationship platonic. Going on what you've said I have the feeling that's not the case. Even so, it's good that he knows how you feel and hopefully he doesn't play with those feelings by wanting a sort of part-time romantic relationship with you. Even with his initial reaction, at least now he will be able to think about what you said and possibly rethink the way he sees you. Stay true to the way you feel and don't compromise if you feel you're getting into a confusing sort of relationship with him. I admire your courage too :)
naturalsolutions on September 26, 2011:
A friend ask me something the same as your situation. I read it one more time and I give a great advice to my friend. Thank you for this hub, you really inspire and help a lot of people.
Peanut on September 26, 2011:
Ok so I spoke to him and he doesn't want the same! He said he likes me I know, although he thinks we get on like brother and sister, more than boyfriend and girlfriend..and that we fight like brother and sister.
I don't even know what that means...and didn't question it and told him that I appreciated his honesty.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 24, 2011:
Hi Peanut, I think go with your gut feeling, it does seem like he's feeling the same way as you as he's planned this trip away. I hope you find the words to tell him how you feel. It sounds like the perfect opportunity. I hope you have a romantic trip :)
Peanut on September 24, 2011:
Oops..not with his parents. Just me and him...
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 24, 2011:
Hi Peanut, If he's inviting you for a weekend away with his parents I don't think you have anything at all to be worried about! Good luck with telling him this weekend and have a great trip!
Peanut on September 24, 2011:
Thanks for this post...I'm also seeing a guy since July and am starting to fall for him. I don't think he is sleeping around with other women as we text each other everyday. It's nerve-racking as we both haven't said anything to each other about where it's heading. My gut feeling is that he must feel the same as he has asked me spend a weekend with him at his parent's in Europe. However I do come across as an ice maiden as I do not want to get hurt.
I plan to tell him this weekend! Argh, I'm so nervous!
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on September 22, 2011:
That's a really interesting point Naturalsolutions, thankyou for taking the time to comment :)
naturalsolutions on September 21, 2011:
Maybe that guy wants a situation just like yours, lovers but not attached in a formal relationship. I believe that its better to be friends with benefits that to a relationship without benefits.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on August 16, 2011:
Thanks for sharing your opinion on this subject PluralGem, it's much appreciated!
PluralGem from London, England on August 15, 2011:
I agree with dales comment. it seems very true and I completely believe that if he wanted you, he would have wanted to be with you. this girl was obviously the one for him.
don't waste your time thinking about what could have been, you will find someone else who is worthy of you and give you the respect and love you deserve :)
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on June 25, 2011:
Thankyou for your lovely comment stars439!
stars439 from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State. on June 24, 2011:
What a shame, but like they say, " It ain't over till the last lady sings." There are plenty enough beautiful fish in the sea. You will find the right one, and you probably will know right off the bat that you can say how you feel without any problems. I like what one of your other commenters pointed out. Aim high and for the best because your worth it. God Bless. Great hub.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on June 07, 2011:
I would tend to agree with you KateWest! But not everyone is so straight forward, I think sometimes there are some mixed feelings, so in those situations if you're not sure, you're best to ask. Thankyou so much for your comment!
KateWest from Los Angeles, CA on June 07, 2011:
I've been told repeatedly that if a guy is interested, he will let you know that that if you have to ask, or you have to question it, the answer will not be the one you are hoping for.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 14, 2011:
Groganfrancis on February 14, 2011:
Maybe he's out there thinking of you - his great lost love!
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on February 12, 2011:
Thanks for your comment Bronson_Hub, getting him drunk may have been an alright idea, but (Unlike me) he never got drunk!
Bronson_Hub from San Francisco, CA on February 12, 2011:
I was going to suggest getting him drunk before telling him, but your technique is much more ethical and will ensure long term success. Honesty - who would have thought it would give us the best outcomes?
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on January 03, 2011:
Very interesting comments dashingscorpio! Thanks!
dashingscorpio from Chicago on January 02, 2011:
I think it's always best to find out where you stand.
However what keeps most people from saying they want to change the dynamics of their relationship from "friends with benefits" or "booty call" is they don't want to risk losing what they have in case he decides to bail.
The other woman just happen to be someone he may have been feeling the same way about. No one changes their life simply because another person feels a certain way about them. It was reciprocal.
You have to give her credit non-the-less for being proactive. Even in this modern era with how far women have come with equality issues they are still "waiting" for a man to notice, approach, pursue, and propose to them. It takes courage to go after what you want.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on December 12, 2010:
Wow Dale! A great insight from the male point of view, thanks!
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on December 12, 2010:
Hi acaetnna, thankyou for your comment and thoughts on this topic. You're right about questioning whether I could trust him, but I never had the opportunity to see. And it did end up awful feeling hidden from the world with him!
Dale J Ovenstone from South Wales UK on December 12, 2010:
Nice hub I really enjoyed the read.
But let me just say as a guy & a fellow human being you, or I, don't come second place for any other human being on this planet no matter how big they are lol.
What you want out of this world you got to take before someone else grabs it.
So make sure you only go for the best Stricktly!
How you honestly think about you as a person deep inside & what you can really achieve as this person, this person let me just remind you, who could be great & amazing, will either aid you, or quite the opposite, even prevent you, from getting what you want out of this world. Just by thinking what you are capable of trying or doing & going for it. Or not!
No person should fear the thought of talking their emotions to somebody else. When you know it matters to you go for it. Especially from the emotions of joy love or anger. Don't be concerned what others will think of you just because you express your own emotions into words & actions.
Your dying to speak your mind but you just don't know how to put the words to this person at times! & these are your deepest emotions at that given time. Or your trying to wait for the right time so this means the thoughts you hold about how your going to tell him prevents you from telling him.
So what can a person do?
I suppose there is a right way of pronouncing your emotions within certain situations & the first line of assault that springs to mind if you want to know more about your future together. Or your future not together, is to ask him what his intentions are, then you haven't spilt the beans on your own ideas of what you would like from him your relationship & your togetherness, because he will know too much about you, & if his intentions are not what yours are he will either come clean with a little prodding from the enquirer or he will keep on using it to get the great pleasure of sex.
Anybody can go about this prodding as you will know the times right & by doing so quelling your troubling inspirations & curiosity to free your mind to become either more at ease or to kick start your thoughts into even more action. You got to learn to control your emotions & free your mind!
You can enquire in a fun & inquisitive manner, you don't have to over pour your emotions but what you need to do is to get his partake of his intentions from this relationship & it's best to do this when your hanging out with him & having a bubble.
You could say something like 'so what's your plans for the future then bob?' (Or what ever his name is) then give him a playful wink & a smile & maybe nipple wrench him lol. You got to have fun & ease the emotions at times.
He will either come clean & tell you a little of his perceived intentions with his life & this is where you pry into little pieces of detail of how you might be involved in his life.
There's nothing wrong with this for your right to know.
Then you'll know where you stand & where this relationship is headed. Or he'll just buls**t you to get what he likes & what you are willing to put up with & that's just the way it is.
When you were twenty your guy was into you big time & pressured you heavily with the idea of commitment & rightly so, commitment was not for you at that time. Because you knew that's not what you wanted & you chose to stop it.
Along the game of excitement, love & affection to have casual affairs with a sexy person or two especially when you are single, after such a relief from the breakup of your 'other's' commitment for life, is just how one should, as a human being, be acting because it's normal for most! If your a guy or if your a woman!
As we travel through life we become involved with various partners looking for fun because of how they make us feel excited, sexy & special inside & sometimes, without intentionally looking for, or even intentionally looking for, we discover, 'THE ONE' But that's just our primal instinct along the game of love!
Now this ONE you may sometimes think you have found or they you, & you click with him on an energetic as well as physical level therefore you fall madly for him, but someone else comes & claims him before you got chance to speak up. Maybe he was only looking for a mistress?
Sometimes it's quite normal for a guy to create such a false vibe inside the woman if he wants to within a relationship no matter how beautiful she is. He will do this to get sex!
As that guy, yes me, in the situation you described above in the long run I would definitely go for the one most suited to me! & I'd chose to be with the ONE I desired when it came down to the crunch & if I had to make that choice!
But the going was good whilst I was getting it.
He was not for you. No matter what you would have, or not have said to him.
Maybe he was only looking for casual affairs & thought you was one of those partners as he is, & eventually over time he had to make a choice & HE found her more suited so he chose the one he wanted to be with because it's his life & his choice.
You always got to look inside to discover what YOU really want. I would definitely keep away from dating a woman who is already in a relationship unless I was going there just for sex because it would just tell me she's in it for the fun too so that's how I would treat it & my relationship with her.
Very good article stricktlydating & quite a unique relationship subject, thanks for sharing. Dale
acaetnna from Guildford on December 12, 2010:
Gosh you did learn the hard way but surely if it was meant to be he would have perhaps been the first to tell you of his deep feelings for you. I agree you should tell a person about your feelings, but strange he kept you so hidden. If he had committed do you really think you would always be able to trust him? I am not sure, I think you would be better finding someone else who always wants to show you to the world. A brilliant hub - really got me thinking.
StrictlyQuotes (author) from Australia on December 11, 2010:
Yes I agree, if you're not asking for commitment then you're not likely to get it. I learned it the hard way those years ago! Thanks for your comment ssaul.
ssaul on December 11, 2010:
you will know there's no difficulty in not knowing, if you find yourself not asking for a commitment and just want sex with no hard feelings well there you go! if you are not bothered by the person where about or who they have sex with and you want to have sex with other people well you are a casual person