Can You Have a Successful Relationship With Trust Issues?
Trust is crucial for all relationships to move forward and be successful...
Have you ever been in a relationship with a person who has major trust issues? It's exhausting. No matter what you say or do they will think you are being dishonest, lying, cheating, or all three. Great!
Not everyone lies or is unfaithful...
Yes, there are a lot of people who have a difficult time being trustworthy and faithful. Some people find it easier to lie than tell the truth while other people have this belief that there is always someone better out there—hence the need to sleep around and be unfaithful. Let's be honest, the percentage of people who are in this category might be high, but remember there are also many people who can be trusted.
Trust is something that needs to be earned...
Very true, however, how can you earn trust if your significant other already doubts you and your motives? You can't.
A close friend of mine has major trust issues. She has been in multiple relationships where men have not only lied to her but also cheated on her, leaving her emotionally scarred. Every time my friend believes that she has finally found a great man who is faithful, he ends up having a wandering eye.
Since my friend will suspect that a guy is cheating way before she actually has proof, she will snoop through his things: drawers, house, email, text messages, etc.—until she finds the "proof" she needs. Is this healthy? Absolutely not!
What she fails to realize is that her insecurities are attracting men who have the ability to be unfaithful. She is attracting the energy that she is putting out into the universe. If you worry extensively that a man will never be faithful, then guess what...he won't.
By believing that you can and will find someone you trust...you will...
Entering a relationship doesn't mean that you are expected to put your entire guard down or ignore any red flags that appear. What it does mean is that you have faith in yourself that you are good enough, loving enough, and sincere enough to attract the same back. Meaning, if you are faithful there must be a significant other for you who is faithful too.
The even bigger issue with my friend, she has also cheated in past relationships herself—therefor placing her guilty conscious on to others. Although she has put her cheating ways to the side, until she can forgive herself for her past mistakes then how does she expect to attract a man who will be faithful to her?
Mistrust is what can push a significant other away...
We all have experiences from past relationships; great ones and not so great. If you continue to carry the fears from your past relationship (or your own personal experiences) as baggage into your current relationship, that my friends is a great way to push someone out of your life.
Learn to work hard to start each relationship with a cleaner slate by leaving the assumption aside until facts prevail, will help you develop the tools to build a trusting foundation versus destroying one.
I have dated a few men that have had trust issues...
One guy I dated revealed his trust issues in our relationship after several months of dating. When we first started dating he seemed extremely confident and secure. Then as our emotional connection continued to grow stronger, he would start making occasional accusations.
First he would accuse me of being attracted to other men (OK)—and this would happen if I looked in the direction of any man; at a restaurant, at a venue, in the grocery store, at a park, etc. Then his accusations got worse. He began accusing me of wanting to be with other men to eventually blatantly accusing me of having an affair. Really? Based on what?
Let's keep it real. It is unrealistic for anyone to think that you wouldn't find other people attractive. Finding someone else attractive is completely different than wanting to sexually be with them and actually acting on those feelings.
So why was he accusing me?
My ex was a guy who had a history of cheating. In fact, he had no issue telling me that he not only had cheated on various girlfriends in his past—hence his decisions to be a bachelor for many years, he also admitted that up until being in a relationship with me, he had a hard time imagining having sex with the same woman for the rest of his life. Hmmm....
He deflected his insecurities of his past mistakes onto me. Wonderful. He assumed that I would one day cheat on him—the karmic payback for all his misdoings—now that he was finally ready to settle down.
Regardless of how much I tried to convince him that I wouldn't cheat, his insecurities and fears got then best of him and destroyed our relationship.
Not all trust issues occur because of the other person’s karma demons. Many occur after a devastation of betrayal from another...
I dated another guy who was married and his wife not only had an affair, but had a full blown relationship with this other man for several months.
This guy was completely devastated since his wife expressed time and time again that she was happy in their marriage—even though she obviously wasn't. Because of his past experience, when I would discuss any issues with him regarding our relationship, he would immediately think that I wanted to break-up. Seriously!?
He was so used to being lied to by his ex-wife (and what she "claimed" she felt) that he programmed himself to assume the worst scenario—a break-up—regardless of anything I said—positive or negative. Whenever he had any doubt in the words I was saying he would put up emotional walls and pull away. Great.
I couldn't talk to him about anything negative regarding him or our relationship without him shutting down, not calling me, and showing no effort going forward in our relationship. Yikes!
Even though I would express multiple times that my concerns were not leading to a break-up he refused to believe me. He had convinced himself that I did want to end things so after many efforts of trying not to, I eventually did.
Discussing issues is important in all relationships to be able to grow and hopefully move past them. If you can't talk about things that are making you upset or unhappy—without the assumption that a break-up is coming then you aren't fully allowing yourself to be truly present to work on things. Until someone outright tells you that they want to end the relationship, trust that they don't.
If you have the pattern of attracting dishonest people, work on changing that pattern...
- Realize you deserve better and you will get better—ultimately change starts within
- When red flags come up don't ignore them—if patterns or consistency in their actions start to majorly change that is usually not a good sign
- Learn to be vocal about your concerns—if the person gets defensive then they might be lying
- Really listen to your true intuition versus the insecure you—your gut feeling is your best friend, insecurity isn't not
- Be OK with walking away from any relationship that doesn't make you feel secure, happy and loved—the less you tolerate unhealthy relationships, the less you will attract them
***If trust issues are deeply emotionally rooted it’s important to seek a therapist, psychologist or religious/spiritual advisor for further support, guidance and healing.
Bottom line, trust is hard to give…I get it, however without trust how can your relationship grow successfully? By becoming emotionally disconnected due to your fear of trusting someone else or even yourself, you are potentially holding yourself back from love...is that what you really want. Learning to trust again might be a slower process for you and that's OK—as long as you know that trusting again is possible...as well as finding a significant other who will work hard to earn it.