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Can He Only Be Your Friend With a Stipulation Attached?

Updated on March 11, 2017
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

A meaningful friendship is doing things for one another without expecting anything in return...

Why do some men think that if they can't eventually get "frisky" in your pants then there is no point of being your friend at all? Really?! That is sad.

Not all male/female friendships are meant to end up in a "friends with benefits" situation. To assume that being friends with a woman includes "benefits" is ridiculous...

Yes, there are some single women who prefer to have a guy in their life who is their "friend" that they can also be intimate with—aka: have sex with—and there is nothing wrong with that. Women have their "needs" too. But, deciding this arrangement would have to be a mutual decision and something that is fully discussed ahead of time.

Let's keep it real, when you are single it can be hard to find a guy who is not only great in bed, but also sexually safe and disease free. However, both people have to be interested in having a "friends with benefits" relationship—not just one—in order to take a "friendship" to that level. The problem with some men, they will expect to one day have those benefits—even if you are not sexually attracted to them and/or only see them as just a friend—nothing more. Basically, their friendship is contingent only if one day sex, dating, or being exclusive is an option. Hmm...

Men, if you are incapable of being just friends with a woman without the condition of sex or something more, then you need to be crystal clear about that before "pretending" to be a woman's friend.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of women who already have this notion that most men lie. To think that a guy is genuinely in their life as a friend and then to find out later that he only became their friend in hopes of something more—only strengthens this belief. Not only that, a betrayal like this can be very devastating and disheartening, especially if you thought he was a genuine friend you could rely on to give you sound advice.

As women, we have our close girlfriends to guide us when we go through difficult times, however we also want and need a man we can also trust to get opinions and advice from...

Having the male perspective is important, especially since men and women are so different. What does not feel good, is trusting a guy in that sacred friendship role only to find out that he was always wanting more.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are men who honesty become friends with a woman having zero intentions of wanting anything romantic or sexual. However, after spending a lot of quality time together and really getting to know one another, unexpected feelings can develop—that's natural. However, the type of guy I am referring to is not this guy.

Ladies, you will know if a guy came into your life as an actual friend—not expecting or wanting more—by not only how he treats you, but also how he handles rejection...

I was great "friends" with a guy—at least I thought—who was exceptional at listening, communicating and giving me his honest opinion when it came to anything in my life, especially the men I dated. This guy was always respectful and never tried anything inappropriate throughout most of our friendship. He was also a wonderful ego booster. On days I felt down he would always be the first to remind me of how special and beautiful I was—encouraging me in all areas of my life. Honestly, looking back, this was a Red Flag.

As I trenched through various dates and relationships throughout the many years we were friends, he would remind me that none of those men were deserving of me and that I would one day find someone better. You know, what every woman wants to hear from a man, well...until he unexpectedly crosses the friendship line.

I was in a long-term relationship with a guy who cheated on me. As I was crying to my friend he decided that the best form of healing was to try and kiss me. Seriously! I was very shocked and upset. As I looked at him confused he started to profess his love for me. He explained that he was in love with me the moment he laid eyes on me. What?! Like that justified and excused his inappropriate behavior? No.

Women feel deceived when a guy only becomes their friend knowing that he actually wants more than just friendship. Finding this out means that his "caring advice" was not necessarily authentic and feels manipulating.

Hearing his confession, I felt instantly betrayed and felt our entire "friendship" was deceitful and a lie, because it was...

When you hear women complain that there are "no good men out there"—this refers to them having negative relationship experiences with men. These experiences are not just with men we date and become exclusive with, they also occur when men who weasel their way into our lives as friends knowingly wanting more.

Here's the thing guys, women don't enjoy believing that a guy genuinely wants to be her friend to find out that he has been secretly undressing her with his eyes the entire time, especially if they don't feel the same way. It's disheartening to think that we cannot even be friendly with some men without them assuming that we want more.

If friendship is the only thing you can offer...is that enough for him?

When I expressed to my friend that I did not want more than friendship, he completely vanished out of my life. Wow. So the friendship he was offering was only contingent if I was willing to take our relationship to the next level? Hmm...Disappointing.

I understand after him hearing that I was not interested in him, he might have needed some time to deal with his hurt and rejected feelings. However, to supposedly be a close friend for years and then to walk away—disappearing out of my life forever—without a care in the world—showed me that we were never friends at all and that our "friendship" was a complete sham.

A true friend, after time, would have worked on rebuilding a friendship. A true friend would have never deceivingly been "friends" with me secretly wanting more. A true friend would have never faked a friendship.

There are many men who will only be supportive in your life and do thoughtful things as long as there is the possibility that one day you will want to be intimate with them. Of course, this is not something he will out right tell you, however you will know this clearly by his actions and how his actions will change once he loses hope—realizing—that you do not and will not ever feel that way about him. Great.

Ladies, unfortunately there are some men who are not capable and frankly, too immature to be strictly friends with a woman. If you have a male friend in your life who seems to be overly supportive and he is not gay, chances are he might be hoping for something more one day. If you do not feel the same way, be open and express your concerns before the stipulation that he's already attached, also includes breaking your trust and your heart.

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    • wrenchBiscuit profile image

      Ronnie wrenchBiscuit 6 months ago

      At the age of 17 I became sailor. After that I became a professional musician. Both professions lend themselves to womanizing. Because I am good looking,very intelligent, and a good conversationalist and listener, it has been especially difficult for me to maintain a conventional relationship. My experience is just the opposite of what you describe in your article. I don't go looking for women, because as a rule they come looking for me.

      In fact, they won't leave me alone. I have even had married women stay behind at nightclubs after their boyfriends or husbands have gone home, hoping that I will have sex with them. Because of my attractiveness, I doubt that it would be possible for any woman under the age of 85 to just want to be my friend. I have tried such "friendly" relationships, but the women always get angry when I don't pleasure them. Of course, I can't really blame them. And so, I can relate to your article, except from a different perspective.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 6 months ago from Texas

      99.9 % of men can't have a platonic relationship with a woman. And if a man tells you he is only interested in you for your mind. Run like hell, he is the worst kind of liar.

      If you need a loyal friend, get a dog.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 6 months ago

      "Why do some men think that if they can't eventually get "frisky" in your pants then there is no point of being your friend at all?" (Didn't want friendship)

      "To think that a guy is genuinely in their life as a friend and then to find out later that he only became their friend in hopes of something more.."

      This needs to be said: It was WOMEN who invented the "friend zone"! :)

      If you are a reasonably attractive woman most single men who befriend you would jump at the opportunity to be (more than friends)!

      Any woman who doubts this can call one of her male friends and tell him they're feeling in the mood to have sex and invite him over.

      See just how many guys respond with:

      "Ewe! That's gross! You're like a sister to me!" or "Buy a vibrator!"

      Deep down I believe many women truly know if they gave their male "friend" an opportunity to have sex with them the guys would fail "the test". Men for the most part (settle) for friendship.

      There are also men who have been "groomed" to believe that the best relationships start off as friendships. In fact they may be been told by (women) in the past that they want to become friends first and see how things go.

      Under those circumstances a guy may not have had nefarious intentions but assumed being friends first is how one develops a relationship.

      The truth however if someone tells you lets be "friends" what they're really saying is: "I don't see you as being (the one) for me!"

      If someone really thought you were "hot" or a prospect they wouldn't risk leaving you on the "open market" for very long.

      One man's opinion! :)